Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #8
Every week I get a collection of comics and raid my stash of illicit substances to indulge in the kind of sensory overload that would blow up any supercomputer. The result of said explosion is a series of drunken rants about a few select comics that I consume. I don't claim that they make sense. I don't even claim that they're valid. I just write them because I enjoy sharing my deranged ravings with the masses. Below are ravings associated with Uncanny X-men #8.
So after the Limbo mission, some of the new mutants at the new Xavier School found out they were total pussies. Fabio, the guy who actually shoots out gold balls from his body, turned out to have no balls himself and whined like a little girl who just had her sippy cup taken away at the end of the previous issue. Now at the beginning of this issue, Cyclops and Emma drop him off at his home in San Diego with no hard feelings. They don’t even call him a pussy. And it’s hard to justify doing so for a guy who just went up against Dormammu. However, he already destined to go up against a force that’s far more horrifying than any fire-headed monster…the US Government. That’s right, the NSA is just as big a dick in the Marvel universe as they are in the real world. They’re spying on Fabio just as he leaves and they don’t even have the good sense suspect him of a crime. That’s the NSA for you. I know they’re probably reading this so I just want to tell them, keep up the good work! Someone needs to give Big Brother his daily blowjobs.
Fabio is the only one who leaves after the last mission. The rest of the students opt to stay, which is a testament to their guts/stupidity. Then again, they are teenagers. Limbo still probably beats the shit out of summer camp. But Fabio’s departure reveals a much bigger problem that has nothing to do with their abundance of hot blonds. After fucking up in Limbo, they realize they are badly in need of training. And even with an Original X-man in Angel on their team, they might as well be a drunk Karate Kid. It’s not like they have the luxury of time either. Emma Frost reminds them that more new mutants are popping up all over the world. And the world isn’t going to wait for them to be ready before they start fucking with them.
Case and point, a luckless new mutant named David Bond was introduced a couple of issues ago. Yeah, I forgot about him too. Then again, I tend to forget about a lot of things after watching fireworks on LSD during the 4th of July (it’s as awesome as it sounds by the way). But I sobered up just long enough to remember that he was just a normal guy whose girlfriend was in the process of leaving him and breaking his heart. After that, I had to get drunk again to avoid going into a homicidal rage about my last girlfriend, but this guy managed to soften the blow by finding out that he was a mutant who could put his girlfriend in a very awkward position by taking control of her car. He then further taunts his ex by demonstrating his new talent in a parking lot. I guess it’s his way of saying, “Bet you’ll never find another boyfriend who can do this, bitch!”
As nice as it is to see a man piss off his now ex-girlfriend, this was one of those scenes that was poorly organized. It would have been much nicer if a scene like this took place later on and wasn’t wedged into an arc involving fucking Limbo demons. This series is supposed to be about a new group of X-men helping mutants who the world fucks over, not flaming skulled demons who have a thing for teenage girls. Leave that shit to anime porn.
It may be disorganized and out of place, but David Bond’s story in this issue is a perfect reflection of what Uncanny X-men is about in the post-AvX era. After he shows off his powers, hurting nobody in the process, a couple of cops show up and freak the fuck out. His ex-girlfriend even rats him out, proving once again that there is no situation that an ex-girlfriend can’t make worse. And as soon as the cops find out that David is a mutant, they react the same way Lou Dobbs would react to a Mexican crossing the border illegally with a bag of weed in one hand and a Richard Dawkins book in the other. They fucking shoot him.
This is how bad it is for mutants right now. David does nothing with his powers except start cars and honk their horns. How the fuck does that even remotely warrant getting shot? At least when a cop pulls you over and sees that you’re high as fuck on weed, they have the good sense to pull you out of the car and tell you that you’ve broken a law before arresting you. They just fucking shoot this kid for no reason other than using a power that hurt absolutely nobody and didn’t cause a cent of property damage. It’s basically symbolic of the minority metaphor that the X-men have always stood for. If you think this issue makes cops out to look like assholes, then clearly you’ve never been in a gay bar prior to Stonewall or were black in the deep south in the 1950s.
As a strong supporter of civil rights and as someone who has been harassed by plenty of cops, I take a special kind of comfort in seeing Magik and the Stepford Cuckoos show up to fuck with both the cops and the guy’s ex-girlfriend. I normally am not in favor of mind-fucking anyone that doesn’t volunteer in a Las Vegas magic show, but these two asshole cops deserved it. The Cuckoos both make them shit themselves by having them point their guns at each other and expose the guy’s ex-girlfriend for being a total bitch. And since David is badly wounded and probably can’t expect courtesy from the authorities at this point, they telepathically end his pain and take them to a place where he’s much less likely to get shot at by asshole cops.
While this luckless and now single mutant is being rescued, Cyclops and Magneto have a nice chat about the aftermath of the previous mission. Again, the lack of organization and coherence in this issue is telling. They start talking about Magneto pretending to rat him out to SHIELD (or at least pretending to pretend). This was a plot that began in the first fucking issue and was cast aside to make way for the damn Limbo plot. Again, I had to sober up to recall the details and nothing kills the awesome in a comic for me more than having to be sober any longer than I need to be.
It’s still a nice, productive conversation. Magneto reminds Cyclops that while he will never forgive him for killing Charles Xavier, he will do everything to protect the mutant race. He talks about how humans will not be comfortable against other powerful mutants that they can’t control. And he’s fucking right. The previous scene with David Wong proved it. And since none of the other X-men gave enough of a damn to help him, he believes Cyclops is the one who can best protect the mutant race. But to do that they need to get control of their powers and train. And that’s what they start doing. Scenes like this have always been the highlight in Uncanny X-men under Brian Michael Bendis. It’s enough to make me wonder why the fuck the Limbo story was necessary in the first place.
Back with David, he wakes up in much friendlier surroundings. For that very reason, he actually thinks he’s dead. And that’s understandable, given that he’s surrounded by cute blonds and a guy that looks like an angel. Or that may just be the gunshot wound talking. Even if it is, their healer, Christopher, is able to fix him right up. It takes a moment for him to accept that he’s not dead, but saving his ass from trigger-happy cops and bitchy ex-girlfriends should definitely go a long ways towards earning his trust. They then officially recruit him into the X-men and considering the alternative, namely jail and a bitchy ex-girlfriend, I think he would welcome a mission to Limbo.
So it turns out it didn’t take that long for Fabio to get replaced. He would rather go back home and hope his parents don’t have a problem with him being a mutant. Unfortunately, he finds out that parents can be just as hostile as any demonic creature in Limbo. They aren’t exactly welcoming to the idea of having a mutant son in the same way the Catholic Church isn’t welcoming to the idea of women having sex for pleasure. It’s another nice metaphor that goes to the heart of X-men, having parents that don’t understand when a kid reveals he’s different. And just like some parents try to do to their gay children, Fabio’s parents think he needs medical treatment. It’s tragic, but painfully realistic. Talk to the gay children of right-wing Christian parents and see how exceedingly relevant this scene is.
After a rather emotional outburst that involves Fabio shooting more of his gold balls out into the yard, they get an unexpected visitor. This visitor is yet another side-plot that began a few issues ago and was derailed by the fucking Limbo arc and wouldn’t you know it? It involves another hot blond. Dazzler, who is now working for SHIELD, shows up because SHIELD knows that teenage boys are a lot more trusting of hot blonds. She wants Fabio to tell her where Cyclops’s base is and if he even wants to entertain the possibility that she’ll show him her tits, he’ll fucking tell her.
So a comic that already has an extensive cast of hot blondes is bringing another hot blond into the picture? Fuck, that's an epic win in and of itself. The only problem is that after reading this issue, you get the sense that the whole plot with Limbo was just filler and you could have just skipped it, jumped to this issue, and didn't miss a damn thing. This series is still undeniably awesome, but at times it holds together about as well a bar fight. Granted, it's a bar fight of hot blonds and you can still jerk off to it, but it's still a bar fight none-the-less. Uncanny X-men #8 is awesome and if you didn't like the Limbo arc, you have no excuse to dislike this issue. This is what my drunken thoughts have concluded and I'm not changing them. Nuff said!