Uncanny X-men #2 - Heart-To-Heart Awesome

I imagine having to work closely with your ex is more awkward than having your prostate exam filmed in IMAX and showed in 3D in front of your whole family on your wedding day. There's a good reason why God gave human beings the ability to feel bitter and scorned. When two people have loved, boned, and lost their capacity to coordinate is complicated to a point where you would have a better chance teaching a cricket advanced calculus than finding a way to make it work. Bitterness is nature's way of telling us shit isn't working out and you'll only make it worse by trying.

Unfortunately, Cyclops and Emma Frost don't have the luxury of moving to different hemispheres and expunging all memories of one another through bitterness, alcohol, and revenge sex. After the events of Avengers vs. X-men, their long-standing relationship that had Marvel had been pimping like a hooker with fresh breast implants for nearly a decade came to an end. There's just no coming back from lashing out at one another while high on cosmic force. I also imagine that Emma mind-humping Namor while he laid waste to Wakanda didn't help either. Brian Michael Bendis said outright when his relaunch of Uncanny X-men was first announced that Cyclops and Emma Frost would no longer be romantically involved. Yet they would be stuck on the same team because when you're a fugitive and your powers are fucked up, you don't have the luxury of not teaming up with your ex.

I admit I never thought Marvel would do this because for so long they seemed hopelessly intent on making Cyclops/Emma the number one fuck buddies in the Marvel universe. I wouldn't have had a problem with this if they actually did what they did for other famous comic book couples and built up their relationship. Instead, they decided to make it one long re-run of Two and a Half Men, consisting mostly of bed scenes ripped off from old pornos and one-liners that essentially robbed both characters of their romantic credibility. Now I'm all for tits, asses, dicks, and butts in my comic books. But if the intent was to make Cyclops and Emma's love more mature and powerful than Cyclops and Jean, then that's not the way to go about it. That would be like trying to make Jessica Alba hotter by rubbing shit on her face. I made many rants on this blog about how unwilling Marvel was to create any tension with this couple. Yet here I am, my jaw open and my dick hard at their decision to break them up. And for that, I applaud them.

But as surprised I was to see Cyclops and Emma break up, I was equally surprised to see them remain on the same team. All New X-men and Uncanny X-men #1 show that they are taking part in a new mutant revolution. In addition to ending their relationship, Avengers vs. X-men kick started the mutant race again. And Cyclops isn't dicking around. He's taking a far more revolutionary approach because he doesn't think the human race is going to react in a calm, rational manner in dealing with the sudden re-emergence of the mutant race after having gotten so used to dealing with them as an endangered species. He's not wrong, but he's still being a dick about it. That was the main reason why Magneto visited SHIELD in Uncanny X-men #1 with the intent of helping Cyclops lose more than his access to Emma Frost's pussy. So in a team with a bitter ex-girlfriend and a bitter teammate, Cyclops's revolution is already on shaky ground.

Uncanny X-men #2 takes plenty of time to explore these shaky grounds on which Cyclops is building his revolution. We first explore the inner musings of a pissed off ex-girlfriend. While I’m sure my ex-girlfriends probably thought more about where they would hide the dead bodies, Emma Frost dwells on how utterly broken she is. And Bendis doesn’t skimp on the details either. She reflects on how she fucked her powers up and how she fucked her relationship with Cyclops up by listening to the wet spot in her panties when she was around Namor. She really is broken in that the life she had before Avengers vs. X-men is in complete ruin.

But as dramatic as this musing is, a more striking musing is that she actually takes the time to blame Tony Stark for the shit that happened with the Phoenix Force. This is the first time any character has actually noted that it was Mr. I-Shoot-Shit-With-Big-Guns-And-I’m-Not-Referring-To-My-Penis who fucked the Phoenix up. And it comes from someone better known for her bra size than her brain. For that, I applaud Emma Frost for crafting the most rational musings of an ex-girlfriend in the history of humanity. That and she still has a nice rack.

Eventually, Cyclops confronts her before those thoughts of hiding dead bodies can enter her mind. From here, she and Cyclops have a true heart-to-heart. It’s a conversation that was long overdue and one that was building since the end of Avengers vs. X-men. They essentially clear the air in that they make clear that they’re not going to be seeing each other naked anymore, but they will make an effort to work together for the sake of these new mutants. Bendis doesn’t leave any Matt Fraction-style ambiguity here in that he has Cyclops and Emma make clear that they can’t get back together after the shit that happened in Avengers vs. X-men. And it makes perfect sense too. You just can’t go back from ripping cosmic forces out of one another and boning other people in your mind while they lay waste to a country. But having been together and exchanged an untold amount of bodily fluids, they trust each other and know they can help one another.

Reading this conversation gave me a tingly feeling I usually don’t get without a blowjob and a bag of premium Mexican weed. Having gone on so many drunken rants about the flaws in the Cyclops/Emma relationship that have emerged over the past few years, it’s actually a great relief to see them part ways in such a clean, amicable way. None of my post-breakup conversations with ex’s have ever gone this well. Hell, most didn’t end without some kind of property damage. But even though Bendis already made it clear that the relationship is over, there’s a certain power in seeing it truly end on-panel. While I know the Cyclops/Emma fanboys may be bawling like someone shoved a peeled onion up their ass, it is a historic moment. Cyclops and Emma as a couple are no more. Excuse me while I raise my bottle of Jack Daniels to commemorate this moment.

Like many powerful moments in comics, there’s an inevitable buzzkill and it’s not uncommon for a very disturbed teenager to be involved. This is certainly no exception. After Cyclops and Emma have their moment, Magik shows up to let them know their new students are ready for a little orientation. Unlike the others, her powers weren’t fucked up by the Phoenix Force and somehow she ended up becoming even more creepy. Even Cyclops and Emma concede she’s more fucked up than any teenage girl who hasn’t caught her boyfriend making out with her father. She too agrees that it’s good that Cyclops and Emma aren’t together anymore, but I’m not sure how much weight I would give the opinion of a pretty blond who rubs elbows with demons. I’ll overlook a lot of flaws in pretty girls, but Magik is one of the few that is more likely to make a man cringe rather than give him a boner.

We then shift from a dramatic and heart-felt conversation to something more pragmatic and less gay. Going all the way back to All New X-men, Cyclops and his team have recruited a number of new mutants such as Eva, Christopher, Benjamin, and the latest being Fabio (a Mexican teenager not to be confused with the hot guy women of the 90s wanted to bone). Having gone through the trouble of turning an old Weapon X Facility into a brank spankin’ new Xavier Institute, they give these new mutants a hint at what they’re in for.

They start by reminding them of the Sentinel attack in the previous issue, which offers a nice sense of continuity in the story. Then they point out that they’re not alone. They’re the first of a new generation of mutants that is poised to populate the world like Evander Holyfield’s illegitimate kids. It offers a nice overview of what these kids are now caught up in. Since this is still only the second issue of this latest forced relaunch, it’s a nice touch in terms of setting the stage for this series.

And beyond the bigger picture of mutant relations, Cyclops even gives them a brief overview of their new home away from home. We already know they’ve been constructing a new Xavier Institute since the beginning of All New X-men. We don’t know how the fuck they manage that when they’re powers are broken and they’re wanted fugitives. I guess when you’ve got Magneto, demon-loving teenage girl, a rich ex-girlfriend with big tits you can pull strings. But given how quickly Wolverine slapped his Jean Grey Institute together, I won’t belabor the how and just marvel at the finished product. It may seem like needless exposition, taking the time to depict the layout of the new base when most readers could give a milliliter of wolf piss about such details. But I think that kind of attention to detail is what separates good comics from awesome comics. You can accuse Brian Bendis of a lot of things like being way too bald for a white guy, but you can’t accuse him of not paying attention to details in a story.

But as nice as their new digs are, the new mutants express concern about their families and the lives they’re leaving behind. Some are all too eager to get the fuck away from their boring ass lives. Fabio mentioned he was selling corndogs on a stick before his powers kicked in. Who would want to go back to that? But others, like Eva, still have a family and want to stay in touch with them. Cyclops makes it clear they’re not prisoners and can leave whenever they want. And unlike the cult leaders that demand all the cute young girls sleep in his bed to find God, he actually means it. So with Magik’s help, they create a few portals so they can check in with some of the insanely worried families. Again, it’s the kind of detail you don’t usually see in an X-men comic. Usually, when someone becomes a mutant, it’s all “fuck the family and let’s kill giant robots!” It adds yet another nice personal touch that really helps give this comic a unique feel.

While visiting a family may give you a warm and fuzzy feeling, Magneto is in a position to fuck it up. At the end of the previous issue, Bendis revealed in one of the least surprising twists of all time that Magneto was secretly coordinating with SHIELD to bring about Cyclops’s downfall. And for some reason Cyclops wasn’t suspicious in the slightest when Magneto shaved his head and opted to stay behind while they left. While it’s reasonable to assume that his conversation with SHIELD took place before the sentinel attack in the first issue, we still don’t get any clarification on the sequence of events that led to him shaving his head. But it is another instance of Bendis not skimping on the details and taking advantage of an established plot, as unsurprising as it may be.

The team arrives in Australia and they manage to avoid being bitten by one of the many poisonous snakes that inhabit the County that God clearly wanted to keep uninhabited. The newbies are still getting over the novelty of teleporting through Limbo. One of the students, Benjamin, actually seems turned on by it and seems to indicate that he wants to be the pitchfork to Magik’s devil-loving fetish. That’s a very poor dick joke, but you get what I mean. Magik does tell him to keep it in his pants because the point of the visit is to talk to Eva’s family. It makes for another nice moment where Eva reunites with her mother. It looks like she may even invite Cyclops’s team in for tea. It’s as pleasant a visit as they could have hoped for.

But we all know where this shit is going. Anyone who has followed the X-men in any capacity knows they don’t have pleasant visits anywhere. At some point they’re going to be attacked by giant robots, evil geneticists, or religious bigots. They might as well a deer in Ted Nugant’s back yard. However, this time they’re confronted by a very different threat. Before they left, Magneto informed SHIELD of where they were going and before they could even get sun-burned by the Australian sun the fucking Avengers show up. It’s another stern reminder that Cyclops is still a wanted fugitive because nobody wants to blame Tony fucking Stark for shooting big guns and waving his dick in the face of a cosmic force. Now I could argue in several blog posts why the Avengers are total assholes for wanting to throw Cyclops in a jail cell while Wolverine and Wanda run free, but I’ll save that for another case of whiskey. I would much rather just entertain thoughts at how fucked up this battle is going to be in the next issue.

If the first issue of this ridiculously forced re-launch of Uncanny X-men was intended to offer a general taste of Uncanny X-men, this second issue dug deep into the shit-stained bowels of the personalities behind this book. And remarkably, what emerges smells less like shit and more like scented rose petals carefully placed on Jennifer Lawrence’s tits. Whereas the previous issue gave you giant robots and a pseudo-twist that was less surprising than the number of people Seth MacFarlane pissed off with his Oscar jokes, this issue addressed those smaller issues that usually get overlooked in between battles with giant robots.

The conversation with Cyclops and Emma was the highlight and taking the time to visit the families of their new recruits perfectly complemented the theme of adding a personal touch. In some ways it got a bit too personal, almost to the point that it feels like it belonged in a gynecology office. But Bendis made this issue awesome by presenting the characters in a profoundly raw manner. These aren’t just X-men. They’re people with issues too fucked up for Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, and most (but not all) reality TV shows.

Beyond the personal elements, this issue was wonderfully concise in how it followed the events of the previous issue. In addition to recruiting new mutants, Cyclops’s new team has to go through the fun of teaching a bunch of hormonal teenagers how to manage their powers. When one of them seems to be fantasizing about boning a demon-loving blond, you know you’ve got an uphill battle. But as Cyclops pointed out himself, Emma Frost is a very good and very competent teacher. Her ability to reach young minds is only equaled by her ability to cause boners. In addition, Bendis even took the time to give readers a layout of the new Xavier Institute. Unlike Wolverine’s Jean Grey Institute, it doesn’t have the architecture or style of a Lady Gaga concert nor does it reinforce his obscenely unhealthy obsession with a woman he never got to bone. It may seem trivial, but it’s these little details that make good comics great and great comics ball-bustingly awesome.

I get that some readers will probably be bored senseless or not appreciate the decompressed, detail-oriented story-telling Brian Bendis is using here. I’m sure many of those readers will read this issue and say “To hell with all this talking shit! Either show us your boobs or fight more giant robots!” Look, if you want that kind of Michael Bay-inspired action, go drop some LSD and watch the Matrix. But it’s not inaccurate to say that this issue was a setup issue in some sense that it just set the stage for Magneto’s betrayal to lead the Avengers right to Cyclops. It just completely ignores all those special personal moments that actually make readers give a damn about what happens to these characters. But if some people can ignore laws, facts, and birth certificates I guess some people can ignore those special little things that make comics awesome.

At this point, I’m still of the opinion that All New X-men is superior to Uncanny X-men, but not by much. Uncanny X-men is still behind in terms of awesome, but so close that it could smell a wet fart. I still have some reservations about little details like Magneto being bald, where the new uniforms came from, and how Magneto got back from SHIELD custody. But those are not the kind of details that are necessary to keep this book from earning my highest praise. I give Uncanny X-men #2 a 5 out of 5. If nothing else about this comic appeals to you, at least celebrate that Emma Frost and Cyclops are now single and ready to mingle! The race is on. Who will they bone next? I’m sure Bendis has plans and I’m equally sure fanfiction writers will have something horribly depraved. Either way, it’s a great time to be an X-man fan and/or to have a boner. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #2 PREVIEW - Beautiful Women Freaking The Fuck Out

As someone who is often attracted, for better or worse (mostly worse), to beautiful women, there's a certain range of emotions to seeing them freak the fuck out. If they happen to be a woman who just agreed to dress up like Starfire and claim she's sad about not being able to sunbathe nude, you feel sympathy. If they happen to be a woman that boned your best friend and took it up the ass for a guy that paid her cable bill, you feel positively gleeful. The same happens in a comic book.

Enter Emma Frost, the bearer of Marvel's ultimate set of tits and someone who can bust balls in the best and worst possible ways. She recently suffered the kind of downfall usually reserved for athletes that followed OJ Simpson's career path. She went from second-in-command at the X-men and fuck buddy to Cyclops to a wanted fugitive who had broken up with Cyclops AND fucked her powers up. It's more than just a lousy day at the office. It's the kind of shit that drives most people crazy. So if anyone is entitled to freak the fuck out, it's her. And wouldn't you know it? That's just what she does in the latest preview of Uncanny X-men #2, which was released by Newsarama earlier today!

It's a beautiful moment and not just because Emma hasn't lost her fondness of showing off her rack. She actually takes some time to reflect on what she's done recently. She also is the first to actually point out that it was Tony fucking Stark who was responsible for the Phoenix Five. Yet his ass never got thrown in jail. Charles Xavier never blamed him for the shit that happened. So for once the hot blond is the smart one and I say fuck yeah! In addition, she reflects on her relationship with Cyclops and how it actually did involve love for more than just the power of Cyclops's penis. That's something that has been lost since the Matt Fraction era of Uncanny X-men. Yet she also acknowledges that he never truly got over Jean Grey. So maybe that will open the door to some nice moments with All New X-men. Who knows? Either way, I intend to be as prepared as I am drunk when this comes out to craft my review! Nuff said!

Uncanny Avengers #2 - Not-So-Overhyped Awesome

I get that big businesses like Marvel and their Disney overlords could give three tenths of a shit about how much a comic or movie is hated by fans and critics, so long as it makes a fuckton of money. Every fan and every critic in the world could whine at the top of their lungs about how much they utterly despised something and threaten to go on a hunger strike while shitting on every affiliated product associated with the company. Marvel and their Disney overlords will still just casually shrug it off and go back to counting their money while doing blow off the tits of Russian hookers.

I bring this up because Uncanny Avengers #1 was billed as the biggest event to come out of Avengers vs. X-men. It was automatically deemed as the third most awesome thing Marvel has ever done after Mary Jane Watson's ass and Emma Frost's tits. It certainly had all the necessary elements to be awesome. It directly followed up the big (yet utterly illogical) events of Avengers vs. X-men by establishing a new team. This team would have heavy hitters from both the Avengers and the X-men while bringing back equally heavy threats like the Red Skull. It also promised to utilize the talents of Rick Remender, who has made Uncanny X-Force worth it's weight in Colombian imported blow, and John Cassaday, who made Astonishing X-men worth it's weight in purified whiskey. However, despite all these amazing elements, the shit was underwhelming. So they buried Charles Xavier, Havok was a douche-bag, Wanda and Rogue got into a fight with their clothes on, and the Red Skull took Charles Xavier's brain. You expect a book by Rick Remender to be that fucked up, but you don't expect it to be that underwhelming. However, it's a given that Marvel gives microscopic levels of shit. The issue still sold over 300,000 copies thanks to an onslaught of overpriced marketing gimmicks that nobody wants to admit still work.

Now I still maintain that Uncanny Avengers #1 was not even within the same time zone as a typical issue of Uncanny X-Force in terms of sheer awesome, but that's only from my drunken perspective. Hell, from my perspective, old Simpsons reruns are still funny after a few bong hits. But based on the numerous reviews and assorted bitching on message boards, I think it's reasonable to conclude that Uncanny Avengers #1 left plenty to be desired. For some, just seeing Charles Xavier get his brain ripped out after being such a douche for so many years and seeing Rogue and Wanda go at it in a way you can still jerk off to was enough. But the issue left me wanting more. Thankfully, the issue ended on a pretty awesome and pretty fucked up note with the Red Skull holding up Charles Xavier's brain as if it were a cup of Hitler's semen. There are so many ways that can become awesome that even an annoying delay isn't enough to make me want to skip the next issue.

Uncanny Avengers #2 doesn’t try to be quite as grotesque in the beginning. It merely deals with the immediate aftermath of Avalanche’s rampage in New York City, who had part of his brain cut out in an exceedingly grotesque way in the previous issue. Now I’m not saying there’s ever a valid reason to go on a rampage, but having your brain cut out by a Nazi should certainly earn a guy some sympathy. Wolverine isn’t in a very sympathetic mood though. He muses at how between Cyclops’s recent power trip with the Phoenix and Avalanche’s latest brain fuck powered rampage, it’s a pretty lousy time to be a mutant. Hell, I almost feel like buying the guy an Evanescence album if he wasn’t such a douche. But Captain America and Thor are taking a more pragmatic approach. They see this as more than just a guy who had a lousy day and ended up losing have his brain. They know someone has too much free time on their hands and since internet porn is no longer enough, they need to start a mutant war. So with Havok now as a figurehead, they're prepared to fight back. We're basically all fucked is what they're saying.

We only get a brief understanding of how fucked we are when the fine, dishonest folks in the media (or whatever qualifies as Fox News in the Marvel Universe) report the inevitable irrational response to the New York attack. The message is pretty basic, but Remender actually adds an element of connection and coherence that was lacking from the previous issue. He mentions the slaughter on Genosha, which left an indelible mark on the public about what happens when the mutant population surges. It's basically, "Do you really think they'll want to hug and smoke a joint after all those millions of mutants we killed?" It would be like the Ayatollah's in Iran inviting the entire population of Israel to a holocaust parade. That just just doesn't sit well for some.

But the broadcast isn't just the typical talking heads that Rupert Murdock pays millions to undermine truth in politics. Behind this veneer of typical talk show trash, the Red Skull is wielding his influence. So I guess TV in the Marvel universe is only slightly less evil. He still manages to get a few random citizens to murder a few mutants in cold blood. It's a rather disheveled scene, but it gets the point across. Normal humans that know how evolution works (or weren't homeschooled in Texas) know what happens when a stronger species emerges. Survival is the only universe instinct in addition to the instinct to fuck indiscriminately while intoxicated.

In addition to fucking with the general public, the Red Skull also has Rogue tied up in an S&M style dungeon. Again, he's still not as evil as the heads at Fox News, but he's getting pretty close! Both Rogue and Wanda were attacked by the Red Skull's latest brand of superpowered Hitler lovers and rather than leave them to whine to the Avengers about how he dug up Xavier's body, he abducted them. Again, still not as evil as Fox News. But Rogue, referencing some very kinky sexual proclivities that fanfiction writers live for, is able to trick this sexy looking woman made of water and steal her powers. From there, she breaks out and is intent on getting to Wanda so they can finish their cat-fight from the previous issues, hopefully with their clothes off this time.

But Wanda wakes up in much more comfortable settings. The Red Skull awakens her without being too disgusted by her being both Jewish and a gypsy. But he's willing to overlook that since she's shown a willingness to dab in a little genocide. He talks a bit about how he once had the chance to kill her father, but didn't. Then he fathered a woman who has the power to conduct mass genocide with a fucking sentence fragment. That's fate making lemonade out of lemons, spiked with a little PCP right there. It's a prime example of Rick Remender making connections in a story that give it a level of coherence that any self-respecting drunk can only admire. It works great on a sobriety test and even better in an awesome comic.

Despite the obvious revulsion Wanda should have to an unapologetic Nazi, she hears the Red Skull out. He shows her his fancy new training facility that he hopes to use to wage war against mutants. He also reveals that he's basically a backup Red Skull, his consciousness transferred to a spare body that was created back in 1942. To him, just a few months ago the most advanced phone still had a crank shaft. Now he's in a modern world where phones actually talk back and mutants are on the rise. And he wants Wanda to wipe them out again with another M-Day.

Now seeing as how the last time she pulled this stunt it caused mass genocide and incurred the wrath of the Phoenix Force, she would be completely against the idea. And by all accounts she is at first, but then the Red Skull gives her just the right nudge in the form of some telepathic mind raping. Where did he pick up that trick? Well that brain he was holding at the end of the previous issue should be a blatantly obvious clue. Marvel is assuming their readers have enough imagination to figure out how the Red Skull took on Xavier's telepathy. I question that assumption as some of our imaginations only exist to put tits on everything we see.

Imagination aside, Wanda is clearly influenced by the Red Skull. She's actually prepared to do another M-Day. However, Rogue is equally prepared to kick her ass in ways that will make her say, "No more broken bones!" After the Red Skull steps out, Rogue finds her and they resume their brawl from earlier. Sadly, they keep their clothes on. But Remender maintains some heavy dialog in between. This is one aspect of the book that is somewhat annoying. There's a lot of talk and it doesn't really improve the action. It just makes you think, "Why the fuck are they wasting their breath when they should be down to their bra and panties by now!" Wanda tries to say in way too many words that Rogue is just a thug who used to bone her father. It becomes a bit cliched, much like the dialog from Thor earlier. But even if the dialog is weak, it doesn't prevent the story from flowing in a very awesome manner.

That flow eventually leads Wanda and Rogue to a very gruesome discovery. They find Charles Xavier's body, which the Red Skull so sickeningly desecrated in the previous issue (in a non-necrophiliac way hopefully). This finally gets the two women to table their cat fight. Even though they have many reasons to hate each other, they're smart enough to understand that when the body of Charles Xavier is lying before them without a brain something is horribly fucked up. But they don't get a chance to be too disgusted. The Red Skull catches up to them, revealing that he's fused Xavier's brain with his somehow and now can use his telepathic talents to make them do whatever they want. I'm guessing these girls are in for the sickest fetish porn in the history of reality. And why not? The Red Skull is a German sadist last I checked. Who knows what kind of shit gets him hard?

Whereas the first issue tried to overcompensate for earlier shortcomings by shocking the hell out of readers (and making those with weak stomachs re-taste their meals for the past three days), this issue didn’t need to compensate for jack shit. This issue actually felt like an issue that Rick Remender would write in his most sober moments. It had solid, cohesive dialog. It had disturbingly grotesque moments that somehow came off as more than torture porn. It was nowhere near as disturbing as Deadpool feeding pieces of himself to Arcangel in the first arc of Uncanny X-Force, but it was right up there! Moreover, it actually came together in a way that felt as satisfying as a book that sold over 300,000 copies ought to be.

What made this issue work was the Red Skull. I know it’s taboo to praise an evil, Hitler-loving Nazi, but he really stole the show here and not just because he also stole Charles Xavier’s brain. He’s still a Nazi at heart, only able to get erections when a minority is being brutally oppressed. But he goes about it in a way that would make Hitler himself cry with joy. Using both Xavier’s brain and the Scarlet Witch, he demonstrates he’s out to do more than just throw giant robots at this new mutant-filled world. He’s willing to fuck reality again with M-Day 2.0. Rogue getting caught in the crossfire helps keep this issue from making a Nazi too awesome. And the disturbing (yet not grotesque) end offers a world of potential that I’m sure Rick Remender will turn into many more grotesque moments.

Now it may still be fair to call Uncanny Avengers ridiculously overhyped. While this issue may be awesome, it has yet to make a mark on the greater Marvel universe. That may just be a result of it being the first book in the relaunch whereas most other Marvel books are still in aftermath mode from Avengers vs. X-men. This book has plenty of potential to really spread the awesome over numerous Marvel titles, but at the moment it seems a bit narrow in scope and disorganized in terms of flow.

Never-the-less, Uncanny Avengers #2 is still a clear and welcome upgrade from the first issue. It still has a ways to go before it can be worthy of the hype that should come with having names like Remender, Cassaday, and 18 different variant covers attached to it. There are still a number of elements that need to come together, but my faith in this series has been officially renewed. As such, I give Uncanny Avengers #2 a 4 out of 5. First you had the Red Skull holding Xavier’s brain in his hand. Then you had him mind-fucking two beautiful women. Who knows what he could do in the issues to come? With a brain in one hand and two beautiful women under his control, he could either do something extremely evil or extremely pornographic. Nuff said!

It's Official: Uncanny X-men Relaunch and Cyclops/Emma Breakup!

There are some things that are just so unsurprising that you have to actively fight the urge to roll your eyes. It's like finding out your wife secretly fantasizes about being double penetrated by Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Or that a porn star's tits aren't real. It's just one of those inescapable truths that you can't avoid unless you have the willful ignorance of a creationist.

On the flip side, every now and then some genuinely surprising shit comes along that makes you swallow your tongue, grab your balls, and run for the nearest bunker because you're certain it's a sign of the end-times. Now comics have been known to do some pretty shocking shit. DC has Superman and Wonder Woman swapping superhuman bodily fluids. Marvel brought back Bucky freakin' Barnes. Hell, both companies were crazy enough to give Jeph Loeb a job. That shit is pretty shocking, but they both have certain tendencies that readers and drunks come to expect. We expect that Wolverine will be an asshole, that Hope Summers will be an insufferably annoying Jean Grey rip-off, and that Deadpool will never shut up. I've gone on plenty of rants in my reviews about how Marvel outright refuses to do shit they should while doing shit that a drunk monkey that just had his balls cut off wouldn't do. But every now and then, the geniuses at Marvel sober up and I have to eat my words and take a few extra shots of whiskey that I probably would have taken otherwise.

Let's start with the unsurprising shit. A week ago, Marvel teased a new Marvel NOW! series for the relaunch with Uncanny. I did a blot post about it calling it the least ominous teaser since Snakes on a Plane. And for once, Marvel didn't try to be coy about it like that guy who tries to pick up women at a bar by telling them they're licensed to do breast exams (it's shocking how much that shit works by the way). They outright confirmed that Brian Michael Bendis will be adding another X-men book to his already impressive pedigree with All New X-men with the help of Wolverine and the X-men artist, Chris Bachalo.

Marvel: Uncanny X-men Relaunch for Marvel NOW!

It's unsurprising because it makes perfect sense. As we saw at the end of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5, Cyclops has escaped from prison and the Extinction Team is back in action. And since we already know that they'll be clashing with the Original Five in the pages of All New X-men, it's pretty clear they'll have a very different kind of story to tell and there just isn't enough ink for one book to tell it. This way Bendis can tell the story of the Original Five X-men in All New X-men and the Extinction Team in Uncanny X-men. It promises to put Cyclops in a new situation where mutants are not going extinct and some just aren't going to be okay with other bigoted humans trying to kill them.

That in and of itself isn't too shocking. What will have your balls shooting up into the back of your throat is one little twist that involves the beautiful women that Cyclops's penis has become so used to accommodating.

Marvel.com: Speaking of love, Cyclops and Emma Frost went through some rough times during Avengers Vs. X-Men. How does the fallout affect their relationship?

Brian Michael Bendis: The romance is done. They are not together anymore romantically. It's pretty hard to come back from what they went through in Avengers Vs. X-Men. Things were said, powers were stolen, and as we will discover in the very first issues of UNCANNY X-MEN, some things happen between them that cannot be taken back.

I had to read this shit at least six times, smoke a joint, read it again, sober up, take a shot of tequila, sober up again, and then read it six more times. I just couldn't accept that it was real until I had been sufficiently drunk, high, and sober. But I eventually came to accept it. Marvel has actually done something I never thought they would do. They ended the Cyclops/Emma relationship.

Cyclops's penis will NEVER forgive him.

This may not be a big deal to fans who don't care who is boning who in their comics, but for fans that give a shit about the personal lives of their favorite characters this is like your sister telling you she's having a sex change. This is one issue that I've ranted about many times, complaining endlessly and drunkenly how Marvel refuses to genuinely shake shit up with this relationship. It was great when it started out under Joss Whedon, but then it turned into a prolonged episode of Two and a Half Men that consisted only of the occasional one-liner and bed scenes. And since no relationship in Two and a Half Men has ever ended without a horrible breakup, laughable infidelity, or John Cryer coming off as a pussy it made no sense to think of this relationship as anything more than fodder for fans to masturbate to.

Sure, Marvel teased at some tension. In recent years Emma Frost has shown a strong desire to bone Namor, who never passes up an opportunity to put his penis in a hot blond. But nothing ever came of that shit. It was constantly swept under the rug or just shrugged off. I found that more annoying than those stoner friends that always insist they'll pay you back for the weed they stole, but conveniently forget even after you've kicked them in the balls several times. The guys at Marvel just seemed intent on keeping these two together, as if the writers were trying to live through Cyclops so that in a way they could bone Emma Frost. While it's completely understandable to want to fuck someone like Emma Frost, readers like myself are not okay with it coming at the expense of character, plot, and common fucking sense. Just keeping these two together for that reason is a bad fucking reason and anyone who has ever tried to get back with an ex-girlfriend for a bad fucking reason know that shit doesn't end well.

She's probably erasing every memory he's ever had of her naked.

Now shit got pretty heavy in Avengers vs. X-men when Cyclops flat out turned on Emma Frost, beat the Phoenix Force out of her, and took it for himself. That's the kind of relationship gaff that even Ike Turner would find disturbing. But I figured Marvel would find some way to work around that shit so they could keep pretending that they were the ones boning Emma. But I was wrong. And fuck, it never felt so good to be wrong. If one of my health teachers from high school heard me say that now, they would break down crying.

So Cyclops and Emma Frost aren't boning anymore. And that's great. Well, not for Cyclops's penis, but in a purely pragmatic sense it's perfect. Now Cyclops and Emma Frost have to be on the same team as ex-lovers. That's like your parole officer being your pot dealer. It's awkward as fuck and definitely screws up the mission.

Uncanny X-men promises a very different kind of mission under Bendis. Not only is Cyclops a fugitive on a team of other fugitives including his ex, he's in a world where mutants aren't going extinct. He made it clear at the end of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences that he's prepared to do what Wolverine and the Jean Grey Institute can't. He's prepared to protect the mutant race from extinction, even if it means being a douche about it. He had to stop being a boy scout after M-Day and he's not going back. That means there's the potential for new mutants, new X-men, and some very awkward moments between two ex's and Cyclops's past self. It's the kind of Uncanny X-men that could only be more often if every copy came with pictures of Mitt Romney crying like a little pussy for losing the election. And for that, I have high hopes that this will be awesome in a very special way.

So in closing, I propose yet another drink to honor to the end of the Cyclops/Emma relationship and the sorrow of Cyclops's penis. May Marvel find new ways to fantasize about boning hot blond telepaths. Nuff said!

New Uncanny X-men Teaser: All New Relaunch

Some comics you just know are going to get rebooted and relaunched because if Marvel is even semi-competent as a business, they know that we consumers are stupid enough to buy anything they slap a new #1 on. DC Comics proved this beyond all doubt with their New 52 relaunch. Marvel is preparing to do the same with Marvel NOW! albeit without the reboot part. So far, they've already announced numerous relaunches for books like Wolverine, Captain America, Fantastic Four, and Hulk. So is it really all that shocking when after ending Uncanny X-men a mere 20 issues after the last relaunch that they're inclined to do it again?

I already pointed out how the latest end of Uncanny X-men had about as much impact as a presidential endorsement by Snookie. And I've already posted numerous previews of the book that was supposed to replace it, All New X-men. But being all new just isn't enough for Marvel. They know that even without the brilliance of Kieron Gillen, Uncanny X-men is another source of income for their Disney overlords. So it wasn't too surprising when it was announced last week that Bendis would be writing another X-men book with a teaser so painfully obvious that it only could have been made more shocking if it was accompanied by a picture of Andy Dick's penis.

CBR: Marvel NOW! Teases Uncanny with Bendis and Bachalo

The reddish tint in the background is another telling hint that it's going to involve Cyclops. Not the teen boy scout Cyclops who yells "JEAN!!!" every other sentence. But the Cyclops who took on both the Avengers and the X-men, saved the mutant race, and willingly went to jail with his head held high because he was right all along. While he's still in jail in the pages of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences, we already know from other previews of All New X-men that he either gets paroled or pulls a Shawshank Redemption on the Avengers.

And by all accounts, his asshole is still intact.

Now this could still be a complete ruse and Marvel could just be fucking with us gullible fans. But that might just be too awesome for them. It may not even be called Uncanny X-men either. Hell, they could call this shit Uncanny Brotherhood for all we know, but as Marvel has shown with Uncanny Avengers the sales of a book can be supplemented greatly just by throwing the word Uncanny into the title. Is it shameless? Fuck yes. Do fans give a shit? Fuck no. Depending on how Consequences plays out and how All New X-men shapes up, it could go in many different directions. If Bendis is as competent as X-men fans all hope, then it'll be worth stocking up on booze and weed for! Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #275 - The End Feels Awesome

There comes a time in every high when you know you're either going to pass out or sober up in a way that'll make you feel like shitting through your nose. The feeling has many parallels with what happens when a long-running comic book series ends to make way for a non-reboot relaunch. We know it's a gimmick. We know it's just a pitiful way for the big wigs at Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic to boost sales. But in the same way you know that too much blow will make your heart explode, you bury your face in it and inhale the awesome. Sure, the high is going to wear off and there's a chance you could wake up face down on a pool table with an eight-ball shoved in your ass, but it's worth it if it's awesome.

One of the many titles that is getting a relaunch at Marvel is X-men Legacy. This is a book that has been a good chunk of the bedrock for the X-books for a very long time. It spun out of Grant Morrison's New X-men run and Mike Carey spent years making sure it was consistently awesome in a way most pot dealers could never hope to match. After a successful tenure, Christos Gage took over for the home stretch. His run has had it's ups and downs. Some of it has been awesome. Some of it has been disgusting because it evokes images of Magneto's wrinkled nutsack banging against Rogue's chin.

But thankfully, that shit was officially ended at the end of X-men Legacy #274. Since then, Marvel has already announced that Rogue will be a major member of Uncanny Avengers where she may be able to get another old guy's balls banging against her chin in Captain America. But while that series is just beginning to establish itself, Rogue still has some shit to resolve in X-men Legacy and hopefully it doesn't involve cat people dongs.

X-men Legacy has been following the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men fairly closely. In the previous issue, Rogue assisted with some of the rescue efforts while trying hard to keep Magneto out of her panties. For the final issue of X-men Legacy, that aftermath continues as Rogue gets roped into helping SHIELD break up a prison riot because their infamous Raft prison was damaged during Avengers vs. X-men. And for reasons that are exceedingly convenient, nobody but Rogue is in a position to help. Being the nice girl she is (and because she's now going to be one of the pretty faces on Uncanny Avengers), she agrees to help out. She also gets Mimic to tag along, who has been somewhat fucked up since the Weapon Omega story a few arcs back. At first, it sounds like he's trying to get into Rogue's panties. She's quick to remind him that since she's broken away from Magneto, her panties are not fit for anyone's presence. But he makes it clear that he admires her ability to ditch baggage like Magneto and come off looking hot doing it. And maybe by helping her with that mission, some of that skill will rub off. But since he doesn't have Rogue's rack, the odds are stacked against him.

Rogue and Mimic arrive on the Raft to the kind of prison riot you won't see without a severe concussion and a massive dose of LSD. Perhaps this is Marvel's way of showing how the X-men and Avengers are cooperating now that they've discovered that fighting one another leads to a shitty comic book event. But it still comes off as utterly ridiculous that she and Mimic are the only ones that can handle this shit. The action here is pretty awesome, which is welcome since X-men Legacy has been pretty light on the action lately and heavy on cat people dongs. Since this is the last issue before the relaunch, it's refreshing to see an X-book get back to basics by having a hot woman like Rogue show a pansy little shit like Mimic how to kick ass.

But like I mentioned earlier, they horribly undermanned and the Avengers can't be bothered to break up a typical prison riot. They just have to save their energy for more important shit like fucking with cosmic entities and blaming the guy who was right all along. Okay, bad example. But since Rogue isn't a dumb shit, she understands that all these super-powered criminals aren't going to go down quietly and they can't expect the Avengers or the other X-men to get off their fat asses to help them. And since Mimic is know for his strategy about as much as he's known for his ability to soak Rogue's panties, Rogue has to come up with the plan. So she expects him to not be a pussy and hold off the riot until she hatches a plan. It sounds like she's trusting Pacman Jones at a strip club, but that's how limited her options are I guess.

With Mimic now holding the line, Rogue ventures into the part of the prison that hasn't devolved into a mass shank-fest. She stands in front of a bunch of hardened superpowered criminals that probably haven't seen a pair of breasts outside stick figures drawn on their cell walls and gives a rather rousing if not futile speech. But it's not as cliched as it sounds. Rogue's speech essentially sums up her personal journey over the course of X-men Legacy. She tells them about how she had once been bad enough to let Magneto touch her breasts. She had been a villain who had made some pretty lousy decisions that were almost as bad as letting Magneto see her naked. Yet she was able to overcome that shit and be better. She was able to become the kick-ass X-man she is now.

It may not be a Braveheart style speech, but it is an extremely appropriate speech given the context of the issue. Since this is the final issue of X-men Legacy, it acts as an epilogue of sorts to show Rogue's current mindset while reflecting on how far she's come. It's a great moment in some ways, even if it doesn't have the necessary emotional impact. It still acts as a nice summation to what X-men Legacy has been about for all these years and in that sense it's satisfying.

Most of the prisoners are inclined to just ask that she show them her boobs. I admit I would probably ask the same. But some superpowered criminals aren't complete douche-bags and offer her the use of their powers. And she doesn't even have to show them her boobs. It's a little bland in that respect, but it has the desired effect. Now Rogue is armed with some extra power that not only makes her capable of taking on an entire prison of superpowered criminals, but it makes her look even more menacing than before. Yet somehow she's still hot enough to jerk off to. Very few characters can pull that shit off and Rogue has made a habit of pulling it off throughout the course of X-men Legacy. I speak for my penis when I say I'll really miss that.

Armed with this new power and with Mimic managing to hold off long enough to not piss himself, Rogue is able to quell the prison riot in another round of action that's both satisfying and entertaining. It's not overly elaborate and it's a little chaotic at times, but then again X-men Legacy has never been known for well-organized action. It's still impressive enough to make Mimic reconsider trying to get into Rogue's panties. Even if he has no chance, you have to believe he's committing this to memory the next time he's alone with a bottle of lube and no internet connection. And since this may very well Rogue's last big action moment in the pages of X-men Supreme, it's something for both readers and my penis to savor.

Later on after the Raft is somewhat unfucked, Mimic catches up with Rogue back at the Jean Grey Institute and they have a nice moment. Rogue essentially gives Mimic another speech that also sums up her journey and how she intends to move forward. It's a little melodramatic, but it's still a nice, concise summation of where she is now and how her journey and X-men Legacy has led her to this point. It doesn't feel overly contrived either because Mimic seems to be in a similar position, not sure of himself and needing guidance from a hot chick with bigger balls (and tits) than he'll ever have. But it doesn't quite have the impact it should for a final issue.

In many ways, these speeches by Rogue are like bookends to the theme of X-men Legacy. It's always been one of those X-books that deals with characters looking to rebuild themselves from a fucked up past. Whether it's Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, or Frenzy they're stuck making choices that often lead to shit exploding and cat-people dongs. But Rogue's journey has been the most complete. Her speech may be a bit wordy here, but it covers all the basics and gives the reader a nice sense of what X-men Legacy has been all about.

The final scene is a nice little image of Rogue essentially telling Mimic that once he gets his shit together, it feels better than a blow job and a bong hit. It also shows that Rogue has gotten to that point, minus the blow job and the bong hit of course. The final scene essentially caps off Rogue's journey in X-men Legacy. It's not over for the X-books in general, but it's over for X-men Legacy. After you wipe the tears from your eye and the lube from your dick, it finally sinks in. This story is over and a new one is set to begin.

X-men Legacy has been a unique approach to AX-men since it began under Mike Carey's pen. Rogue has been the central focus for years and in that time she's gone through a lot of growth and a fuckton of regression, primarily due to her boning Magneto. There have been times where X-men Legacy has been the most consistent source of awesome in the X-books and there have been times when it has been nauseatingly unreadable (see cat people dongs). Now that it's over, what kind of legacy does X-men Legacy leave behind? Well it can't be too shitty because Marvel is relaunching this shit with an exceedingly short grace period. But the new X-men Legacy promises to get away from the stories surrounding Rogue and focus on Legion, Xavier's now orphaned Schizophrenic son. So the focus has gone from a hot woman with a great rack in Rogue to a mentally unbalanced dick-cheese with fucked up hair. That has to be the worst tagline for a comic in history.

But the major theme of X-men Legacy #275 was to close this chapter in Rogue's history and make way for the next one. She's already poised to move on in Uncanny Avengers and hopefully not ending up being as big a dick as Captain America. But her story in this series had to end and for the most part, that's what this issue did. It wasn't overly dramatic. Rogue's speech to all the prisoners was a nice summation of how far she's come and where she is now. However, it still came off as rather bland and not very compelling. So she's moved on from being Magneto's fuck-toy, but that's about it. Granted, she's been through a lot more in this series, but you don't really get that impression in reading this issue. It was nice that Mimic provided a means with which to sort of convey that sentiment. But in the end it didn't resonate as well as it could have.

It still felt like a solid ending. After reading this issue, you get the sense that Rogue doesn't need to be in this comic anymore. She's got another story to follow in Uncanny Avengers. However, it doesn't really do much to get you excited for Legion taking over. Given how little he's been used lately, his emergence at this point would just feel somewhat random despite the recent death of Charles Xavier. I like that Rogue got to have one last moment of badassery that summed up her current state in the Marvel universe. But it could have been a lot more awesome. That's why I give X-men Legacy #275 a 3 out of 5.

Rogue has been on an amazing, bonerific journey in the pages of X-men Legacy. The book won't be nearly as awesome or nearly as easy to masturbate to with her gone. But from Mike Carey to Christos Gage, her story has been an awesome ride. It's lasted through many bottles of lube and many boxes of tissues. It'll have a special place in my heart, on my dick, and in the annuls of the X-men mythos. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4 - Villainous Badass Awesome

There are some world class drunks out there (like yours truly) that don't need a whole lot of excuses to get wasted. But some of those excuses are pretty fucking stupid in the grand scheme of things. When a guy gets fired from his job after his house is foreclosed upon because he spent too much money on a Brazilian stripper named Coochie Mocha, he's more than justified in getting shit faced. But when your name is Tony Stark, you have billions to your name, and you can build an army of robot Pamela Andersons to cater to your every perverse fantasy, you have no excuse. There was actually a time when Iron Man was a world class drunk in Marvel comics. He's not the first comic book character to struggle with real world addiction, but he was by far the least believable.

Iron Man's movies may be as awesome as Scarlett Johansen's rack, but in the comics he's about as sympathetic as Mitt Romney pleading for food stamps. He may claim to be sober, but I refuse to believe that some of the shit he did in Avengers vs. X-men wasn't the result of some mind-altering substance that just doesn't show up in piss tests. Only a drunk could determine that the best way to deal with the looming threat of the Phoenix Force was to shoot it with a big ass gun. And only a drunk would pretend that he was too fucked up to take any level of responsibility for shit that he caused. But Iron Man has faced absolutely zero scrutiny for his role in Avengers vs. X-men, just as he faces zero scrutiny for the shit he did in Civil War (thanks to a bullshit retcon). As such, I scorn him on behalf of all us honest drunks.

In both Avengers vs. X-men and the ongoing Consequences mini, Iron Man is still walking around as if he played no part in the bullshit surrounding the Phoenix. He didn't seem to give a damn when Cyclops was thrown in jail and he didn't get any shit from Captain America for his gizmos being responsible. He also pretends to have a new appreciation for the mystical aspects of life. There's a term for that as well. It's called being fucked up out of your mind, leaving no doubt that he was smoking something in Avengers vs. X-men. But I doubt Marvel will ever admit to it.

Whatever shit Iron Man is on, there's no indication he's sobered up. Cyclops, who we found out in the previous issue was working a plan with Magneto on the outside, is still taking all the accountability for what happened with the Phoenix even though he's only partially responsible at best. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4 continues by having Tony Stark pay a visit and not for a conjugal visit in the women's prison either. He's still high from his Joseph Smith style religious experience, but unlike Joseph Smith it isn't a complete fraud. He expresses a desire to understand the Phoenix while still deflecting responsibility for his role in fucking it up and having Cyclops take the blame. Whether out of boredom or pity, Cyclops humors his curiosity. There's really no indication here as to what Tony hopes to gain or why the fuck he's not taking responsibility like a good recovering alcoholic should. Either he's drinking again or he gave the finger to Alcoholics Anonymous. Either way, he's still a dick.

Whereas Iron Man's latest non-alcoholic obsession does nothing for the story other than remind readers of what a dick he is, there are other parts of the story that help actually move things forward. In the first issue of this mini, Captain America said he suspected that someone with a lot of access and too much free time was helping the Extinction Team. Unlike the CIA's suspicions about Iraq, this actually proves accurate because someone who definitely has that kind of access is Agent Brand of SWORD. She worked closely with the Extinction Team in the pages of Uncanny X-men. So it makes such perfect sense that she would be the one to help them that you feel like you were lobotomized in your sleep for not thinking of it. Apparently, she's been coordinating with Magneto because she's of the opinion that the Avengers and the X-men intent on sucking their dicks for approval aren't going to do what needs to be done for this new influx of mutants. Since she admits she's also a mutant, she decides to roll the dice with the Extinction Team. While she may be fucking Beast at the moment, her willingness to give the finger to both the Avengers and the X-men earns her plenty of points in my book.

So by now, we've caught up with every member of the Extinction Team except one. Of all the members that were forgotten faster than Vanilla Ice's movie career, Namor definitely got shafted the most. After he laid waste to Wakanda and set the stage for the glorious breakup of Storm and Black Panther, he was barely mentioned and never even seen. Well now that he's on the collective shit list for both Wakanda and the Avengers, he's been lying low. That's understandable, but still a dick move. Apparently, he's been hanging out in the old ruins of Utopia, which have since been shot to shit. This happens to be where Hope, everyone's least favorite rip-off bratty bitch, decides to travel to track down Cable. It makes about as much sense as the rest of the bullshit she's done outside of betraying the X-men. But I guess I've come to expect that from her.

But despite Hope's annoying presence and incessent intent on making everyone hate her, there's a nice moment to be enjoyed here. Hope goes out of her way to ask Namor what the fuck he was thinking when he laid waste to Wakanda. I imagine it's akin to asking someone what the fuck they were thinking when they fought that transvestite hooker over a half-eaten hot dog on a cocaine bender. But Namor basically describes how the Phoenix fucked him up and showed that being the king of Atlantis with access to all the hot mermaid pussy he wanted just didn't amount to jack shit in the grand scheme of things. Nothing else really comes of this other than Hope being an annoying bitch and Namor discussing why he took his sexual frustrations over Emma Frost out on Wakanda. But at least we finally get to see what the fuck he's been doing since the Avengers vs. X-men shit hit the fan.

Namor's handling of the events of Avengers vs. X-men is at least twenty seven times more mature than Colossus. In this series, he's developed the kind of hatred for his sibling that couldn't be matched outside the Baldwin family. Now free from the Cytorakk influence and made to feel like an ass for helping his sister, he's basically become one of those creepy hermits who lives in a cave, minus the occasionally spying on children at playgrounds. Storm, who received a message about Colossus's location courtesy of Magik in the last issue, paid him a visit. Since she's nowhere near the asshole that the Avenger strive to be, she doesn't turn him in. She just tries to talk to him. Colossus only tells her to fuck off and leave him alone in the most polite way possible. Of all the members of the Extinction Team, you gotta feel sorry for him the most. He went out of his way to save his sister and all along she was just fucking with him. That's like a homeless man finding out that the stray dog he's been taking care of was a stuffed animal all along. It's tough shit.

But Colossus isn't the only one Storm visits. After she's done chatting, she encounters Magneto. Now in nearly every other era of X-men, when Storm is on the same page as Magneto it's usually accompanied with a violent battle that involves magnetism and F5 tornadoes. But for a time, these two actually worked side-by-side during their days on the Extinction Team. I admit it always felt awkward, like having a pot head manage your stock portfolio. You know it couldn't last, but it was fun while it did and made work a shit ton more interesting. Storm and Magneto have what may be their last civil conversation. Storm tries to convince him that he can still be a good guy, but Magneto makes it clear that good guys don't make progress in this world. To get shit done, you need to be a little bit of an asshole of a villainous kind and that's something that he's willing to do that the Avengers are too chicken shit to try.

There's tension everywhere it seems. Siblings now want to kill each other and former allies are too fucked up to do anything. But some elements of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences have taken an approach that probably wouldn't make an episode of Jerry Springer. In the last issue, Cyclops met up with a fellow prisoner named Jake who happened to be a mutant. He was no Magneto. He was a dipshit burglar who happened to be among those who got mutant powers after the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Rather than whine about how he's going to be hated and feared, he actually made friends with Cyclops and expressed a desire to make his life better. Hell, he even got an X-men tattoo. He sounds like the kind of guy you want to have your back in prison and not in a way that will lead to severe rectal trauma.

Unfortunately, Cyclops doesn't get the chance to become prison buddies with this guy. In the previous issue, a bunch of other prisoners with poor impulse control and no fresh anuses to sodomize tried to shank Jake and Cyclops. They failed miserably. But this time, they succeeded in attacking Jake. Cyclops tries to help him, but the guards don't let him this time. Instead, they just subtly laugh their asses off and use his collar to shock him so he can't save the guy. It's a sad end to the most lovable prisoner since Tony Montana. But it has a strong impact and one that sends a message that goes beyond why you shouldn't give prisoners tooth brushes and nothing better to do with their time.

While Cyclops is left reeling by this latest injustice on top of the massive amounts of shit already piled on top of him, Wolverine pays another visit. To this point the only things his visits have accomplishes is making him an even bigger asshole than before. Maybe he's had time to sober up or maybe he's finally stopped drinking shitty light beer, but he actually comes off as decent this time. He finally tells Cyclops that he believes that he didn't mean to kill the Professor when he was fucked up on the Phoenix Force. He also has a very nice bromance moment where he tells him that while he may hate his guts for what he did in Avengers vs. X-men and for having access to Jean Grey's pussy, he still respects him and still thinks he can be the better man. Whether he's trying to dissuade him from this stupid martyr gig or trying to dissuade him from getting back at the prisoners who killed Jake, he sends a clear message.

However, I don't think Wolverine expected Cyclops to respond to that message by secretly contacting Magneto. In the previous issue, he revealed that he had been keeping in touch with him as part of some sort of plan. At the time, the plan didn't involve him being busted out of jail. Well after seeing how the world is treating new mutants like Jake and how few fucks people like the Avengers seem to give, he changes that plan. He's prepared to give a big middle finger to the justice system and allow Magneto to break his ass out. On behalf of everyone who has ever gotten a bullshit parking ticket, I say fuck yes!

The word badass and villain is thrown around a lot like herpes on the Jersey Shore. Marvel has done a great deal to blur those lines over the years, whether it's with their stories or with their characters. It's an inescapable fact of comics. If most of these characters existed in real life, we would think they were complete assholes. Tony Stark flies around in an Iron Man suit and doesn't share that shit with anyone. Wolverine is a drunken, sex-crazed dick with anger management issues. Fuck, if I want that I'll visit my cousin in Texas (if he hasn't broken parole). But every now and then, Marvel walks that fine line in a way that even if a character existed in real life you would be inclined to say, "Fuck yeah! Someone get this guy a beer and a hooker!" The end scene with Cyclops accomplished this feat in the best possible way.

This issue helped tie up a few more loose ends that were not addressed in the previous issue. With only one issue left, the mysteries are falling to the wayside in favor of setting the stage for All New X-men and all the rest of Marvel's overhyped relaunch that they'll never admit to being overhyped. We already knew Cyclops was going to bust out of jail, if for no other reason than to ensure the sanctity of his anus for mutant kind. But this issue actually presented an even better reason for him bust out if his asshole wasn't good enough. The death of that prisoner mutant, Jake, effectively conveyed the message that rotting in a prison cell isn't going to solve the problems mutants now face in the post Avengers vs. X-men world. And since the Avengers and his fellow X-men can't be bothered to deal with it, Cyclops needs to flex his nuts again. You couldn't give the man better motivation without serving it on Emma Frost's tits and Jean Grey's pussy.

Nearly everything in this issue fit together nicely. However, it did drag a bit at times. The whole notion of Iron Man wanting to understand the Phoenix seemed about as pointless as Mitt Romney's position on welfare reform. And while every scene involving Hope Summers is akin to smearing horse diarrhea on the page, her conversation with Namor amounted to less than Donald Trump's prenup. While there's definitely the potential for these scenes to expand in the final issue, they didn't really give much reasons for the reader to give half a shit about them.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences is largely a transition series meant to bridge the gap between Avengers vs. X-men and Marvel NOW! As such, it has to wade through the river of shit carved by Avengers vs. X-men and somehow mask the stench. The first few issues did an admirable job, but the past two have taken it to some badly needed levels of awesome. While Avengers vs. X-men will always suck, the way in which Marvel is moving forward from it doesn't have to. I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4 a 4 out of 5. Now if I can get serious for a moment, let's all have a moment of silence for Jake, the imprisoned dip-shit burglar who didn't stand a chance. Rest in Peace, Jake! May your last breath be accompanied by an intact asshole. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #3 - Rehabilitating Awesome

I've been accused of being pretty damn arrogant in the past. I've also been accused of being forgetful. Every now and then I'll black out at a bar, wake up on the floor of my kitchen with my pants around my ankles and mustard smeared on my anus, and get a call from some random woman that claims I shaved her dog and drew dicks all over him with permanent marker. But at least when that woman shows me her dog with a giant dong drawn right over the tail, I admit that I was fucked up and someone was stupid enough to let me borrow their electric razor and a permanent marker. I don't just ignore that shit and claim it was someone who just looked as drunk as I do. I've come across one too many state troopers to know that excuse is bullshit. I make no exceptions for comic book characters either. Sure, they're fictional. But it doesn't give them an excuse to be arrogant assholes.

Anyone who saw the first Iron Man movie would never claim that Tony Stark is Mother Theresa. Hell, if arrogance was a disease, this guy would be fucking quarantined on his own moon. But he's usually pretty good at about shrugging his shoulders when he fucks up. Recovering alcoholics at least try to do that in between withdraw symptoms and insomnia. But in Avengers vs. X-men, Iron Man's arrogance took on a Freudian level of bullshit. This guy actually thought that it was a good idea to deal with a cosmic force by shooting it with a big ass gun. That would be like me saying at a bar, "Too many shots of tequila may kill me? Fuck, someone get tank! That ought to fix this shit!" Anyone who has any experience with tequila (may Galactus have mercy on your soul) knows why that shit is a bad idea.

Iron Man's so-called solution for the Phoenix Force was a bad idea for the exact same reason. Yet has anyone called him out on his shit? Fuck no! He's never even acknowledged that maybe he fucked up in causing the Phoenix Five fiasco in the first place. No one, Avengers or X-men, has even tenderized his ass for basically preventing something that ended up being the right thing after all. Hell, even he reached that conclusion in Avengers vs. X-men #12 when he conceded that the Phoenix needed to merge with Hope. But at no point did he admit he was wrong or full of shit or take any responsibility for what happened.

In the end, all that shit was lumped on Cyclops and he came out smelling the worst. Yet he was right. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 nicely articulated this when he pretty much gave Wolverine the finger and proclaimed that he did the right thing while Wolverine came dangerously close to fucking everything up. He accepts responsibility for what happened to Xavier and for all the destruction. But he doesn't regret it. And why should he? He saved a whole fucking species and created a worldwide utopia. Some shit you need to apologize for. You take a piss on your buddy's boot, you fess up. But saving a species and creating a utopia? Fuck, you deserve a free blowjob from all the hookers in Vegas for that.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has only slightly explored these details that Avengers vs. X-men shrugged off in the same way George W. Bush shrugs off illegal torture. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #3 continues that exploration with Tony Stark as he lends a hand in rebuilding K'un L'un. But does he mention at all that it was his alcoholic ass that split the Phoenix, led to the Phoenix Five, and the destruction that followed? Fuck no! He just talks about how awesome it was to finally walk that fine line between science and magic. Because like a creationist, science is hard. It's just easier to believe in crazy shit. It helps distract you from the bullshit your guilty of that everyone else seems to have forgotten. It's a pretty worthless scene that only amounts to Iron Man saying goodbye to K'un L'un and returning to rebuild the world that he indirectly helped fuck up yet isn't in jail for.

Iron Man has it easy. All he had to do was just believe crazy magical shit. For Cyclops, all the crazy beliefs in Texas wouldn't save his ass. At the end of the previous issue, he found himself at the business end of an improvised shank made by a guy twice his size who looks only slightly less menacing than Wolverine when he's hung-over. Anyone else in that situation would probably be able to forge a diamond out of coal from their clenched asshole, but Cyclops isn't just anyone. He's fucking Cyclops! His skills go far beyond controlling his optic blasts and giving multiple orgasms to the likes of Jean Grey and Emma Frost. He can also fight. He can fight well enough to beat the shit out of a bunch of prison thugs with too much free time, no women, and poor impulse control. I'm not sure if this counts as another instance of him giving the finger to Wolverine and the Avengers, but fuck standards! I'm counting it anyways!

But Cyclops isn't the only one in jail because of the shit storm that was Avengers vs. X-men. It's barely been mentioned in a few passing speech bubbles, but Emma Frost ended up behind bars as well. Because apparently it's a crime to have cosmic power, make the world a global utopia, and look inhumanly sexy. But her situation as well as her relationships with the rest of the team have been completely ignored. Hell, she hasn't even talked to anybody with her usual wit and lurid subtext for much of the Avengers vs. X-men aftermath. Well we finally get to hear from her and I'm proud to say that one thing I learned from prison porn turned out to be true. You can masturbate to a woman in prison garb.

Being in prison still hasn't hurt Emma Frost's edge. She engages in a brief conversation with Kitty Pryde. Unfortunately, it doesn't vindicate some of my other beliefs about prison porn, but if you close your eyes and use your imagination I figure you can still masturbate to it. As expected, Emma has no remorse for what she did. She just tells Kitty, who only shows a tiny hint of sympathy, that she regrets that new mutants won't be able to learn from her. Because somehow young mutants can only learn from someone with the capacity and willingness to use her boobs as often as her mind. I'm not going to argue with it. I'll just say it's a great scene that adds some long overdue context to Emma's assessment of her situation. Some issues remain clear. The status of her relationship with Cyclops wasn't addressed, but there was a hint that she may not be inclined to let him see her naked anymore. Then again, if I had a nickle for every woman that called me stupid, I would own every cocaine factory in Columbia by now.

Her sensual grit aside, Emma Frost did bring up one important issue. There's a whole new generation of mutants emerging because of what happened in Avengers vs. X-men. We actually met one of those mutants in the previous issue. Cyclops's cell mate, whose powers manifested while he was still in prison for planning a burglary as well as Todd Akin prepares for a gynecological exam, happens to be a mutant. After seeing Cyclops beat the shit out of a bunch of prisoners with his asshole intact, he's understandably intrigued. Cyclops actually talks to him about doing something with his powers. He even refers him to Wolverine's school. Again, I'm counting that as another middle finger to Wolverine. But moreover, he further explains why he has no regrets. It's because new mutants are emerging once again that guys like this failed criminal have a chance to be something more, be it a hero or a guy who ends up going batshit and killing his mentor. It adds a greater insight into how Cyclops is coping with this new world. And it makes him all the more awesome yet he didn't have to bone Emma Frost to do it. Need I say more?

Cyclops's awesome may be undeniable, but SHIELD and the Avengers are struggling with logistics like every other government agency that ever existed. Wolverine returns from his visit with Cyclops to report that not only did he get no information from Cyclops, but he got the size of his balls reduced by more than two thirds. The Avengers and SHIELD are basically stuck at a dead end. They know someone is helping Cyclops and the Extinction Team, but they have no fucking clue how to find out. It leads Maria Hill and Captain America to question whether Wolverine really knows how loyal his team is. Being a drunk womanizer with a tendency to juggle multiple superhero teams, it's not too crazy to think that maybe someone is pulling some shit behinds his back. It's a disturbing possibility for them, but an awesome possibility for the reader.

That possibility may or may not manifest with Magik, who finally pissed her brother off enough to make him want to snap her neck if they're ever in the same time zone. There's a memory of how much I pissed off one of my old teachers by posting pictures of his gay porn career in the school cafeteria, but I'll save that for another review. After prettying must cutting ties with her brother, Magik has clearly found some other means of occupying her time. She appears to Storm at the Jean Grey Institute telling her she knows where Colossus is. Does this mean she's the one operating behind the scenes? Or does it mean Storm is? SHIELD wants to arrest Colossus as well. Yet Storm doesn't seem to be in too great a hurry. It's vague, but it's a scene that has so many possibilities and I'm not just talking about the femslash fanfiction I know some fans are going to write for this scene.

Unfortunately, there are far fewer possibilities for the little redheaded rip-off character that Avengers vs. X-men turned into the most annoyingly bratty pissant since Honey Boo Boo. Yes, I'm talking about Hope fucking Summers. I know I've given her a lot of shit on this blog, but I maintain that I don't even give her a fraction of what she deserves. Because of her Mitt Romney-style flip-flopping, the events of Avengers vs. X-men were both royally fucked up and her likability fell apart faster than downtown Detroit. This little bitch has no redeeming qualities. Yet after the events of Avengers vs. X-men where she betrayed the people who sacrificed everything for her and shrugged her shoulders when others were sent to jail for that shit, all she wanted to do was live a normal life. Yeah, well after I was found naked in ball pit, I would love to go back to a McDonald's with a play house but that shit ain't happening.

In one of the least coherent scenes of this issue, we find out that somehow Hope managed to enroll in some fancy private school that isn't the Jean Grey Institute. She's basically a school girl in a Harry Potter-like uniform pretending to be a normal girl that fucks over anyone who sacrifices for her. She muses about how much school sucks and how much fitting in sucks. Well here's a news flash you little shit, you don't need to survive an apocalyptic future to figure that out! She's whined about damn near everything else so it's no surprise when she whines about this. Unfortunately, she's not going to be a character that Marvel just sweeps under the rug like a pile of dog shit on your grandmother's living room floor. She wants to find Cable, who apparently got sick of her bratty ass and ditched her in an earlier issue. But being the little rip-off character, she can't take a fucking hint and decides to go looking for him. With any luck, she'll get shot or contract an incurable rectal itch. I'm sorry if I'm harsh, but there was no fucking explanation for how she joined this fancy school and since she's already back to defying the wishes of everyone who cares about her it felt like a pretty pointless scene.

There's much more mystery surrounding the shit Cyclops is doing while behind bars. To this point, he hasn't shown that he plans to do anything in prison other than take responsibility for his crimes and protect the integrity of his asshole. But this is Cyclops we're talking about. Not only can he beat the shit out of a bunch of prison thugs, but he can formulate a plan under any circumstance. So we find out here that Captain America was actually right for the first time since Avengers vs. X-men began in that he did know something. Using some fancy looking powder that probably isn't the kind you buy from a guy in a Grateful Dead T-shirt on a street corner, he communicates with some unknown person in the form of powder messages. Is it Magik? Is it Storm? We don't know, but Cyclops makes it clear that he doesn't want to be broken out of jail...yet. He's more valuable as a political prisoner than he is a fugitive. So he decides to stick around. Score another middle finger against Wolverine!

Whereas most of the previous issue took place entirely in a prison cell and consisted mostly of Cyclops informing Wolverine that he acted like a complete douche during Avengers vs. X-men, this issue takes a slightly broader view. It not only continues the story of Cyclops in jail, but it finally catches up with some of the other stories that were established in the first issue while addressing others that have slipped through the cracks, namely the fate of Emma Frost. It also finds a way to deepen the mystery surrounding the so-called sympathizer that's helping the Extinction Team. Cyclops may be rotting in jail, but the man always has a plan and we finally found out what he's been secretly laughing about behind everyone's back. He clearly knows more than he told Wolverine, which I guess counts as yet another instance where he upstaged that wife-seducing furball. It also indicates that the Extinction Team is still active, as Magik's little visit to Storm showed. What does it all mean? Shit if I know. I'll need to do a few bong hits to come up with a sufficiently crazy idea. Or I can wait until the next issue, whichever comes first.

But what really sets this issue apart from the previous issue is that it finally felt like the story was moving behind all the characters pissing themselves as they tried to process all the shit that happened in Avengers vs. X-men. Ever since Avengers vs. X-men #12, it seems like the only thing anybody is doing is whining about how much the world is fucked up and blaming it all on Cyclops. Some manage better than others. Then you've got a shitty rip-off bitch in Hope Summers suddenly playing the part of the cute school girl that always gets tentacle raped in anime porn. Not all of it is coherent, but it all makes sense in a way that is very refreshing.

After reading the last few issues of Avengers vs. X-men, I was starting to worry that a Marvel comic would never make sense again. I'm glad I was at least partially wrong. This issue made a clear effort to move the Marvel universe forward while still exploring the aftermath. It worked for some, but not others. In that since it's like tequila. Some people can enjoy the brain-melting power of that shit and some can't even say the word without dry heaving.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has had to claw its way out of a pretty deep hole. It's success is basically akin to the chances the Cleveland Browns have at going to the Superbowl this year. It's not just an uphill battle. It's pretty much impossible. But after two solid issues and this issue on top of it, I can finally say that the Marvel universe is on its way to becoming coherent again. It's like that guy who goes on a week-long cocaine bender in Columbia and only finally starts remembering how many dicks he's had to suck along the way. It's incredibly disturbing, but it opens the door to rebuilding a new era of awesome. This issue did a great job in most areas in rebuilding that awesome while maintaining that fragile balance that every aftermath issue must deal with. It has some skid marks in its underwear, but it's nothing that'll get you kicked out of a public pool. For that I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #3 a 4 out of 5. Cyclops has a plan. Hope Summers is an annoying little brat. Wolverine is a douche. And Magik enjoys fucking with people. Take a deep breath, Marvel fans. Shit is finally getting back to normal! Nuff said!