All New X-men #4 - Raw Emotions of Awesome

I've poked fun at the anti-Cyclops crowd on many occasions in my reviews. I look at them the same way I look at the fat kids in high school who constantly bitched about the athletes getting all the praise and adulation, conveniently ignoring all the work those athletes put in and all the shitty circumstances they have to go through. I doubt any of those fat fucks have ever had to work their ass off at mastering a game that didn't involve rolling dice or digital characters on a computer screen, willingly subjecting themselves to coaches, critics, and competition whose sole intent is to make them losers. I'm not saying all Cyclops-haters are fat fucks, but they share a few things in common with them. That said, they do occasionally make some valid points.

Cyclops has become a bit of a douche over the past few years. Even before he got drunk on the Phoenix Force, he's become the kind of guy that's easy to hate. He's leader of the X-men, he always seems to have his shit together, and he got to regularly put his penis inside Emma Frost. He's basically like Vladimir Putin and whoever happens to be boning Pamela Anderson. And his arrogance has showed at times. It started when he began psychically fooling around behind Jean Grey's back during New X-men. After pulling the entire mutant race under his wing, he essentially pissed it away during Schism. Granted, it wasn't all his fault. The circumstances were pretty fucked up, even by Marvel standards. But he was still responsible and he damn well knows it. And until recently, he could always drown his sorrow in Emma Frost's boobs.

Avengers vs. X-men sent him over the edge. Now he doesn't have Emma Frost's boobs for consolation anymore. Hell, he doesn't even have the X-men anymore. They basically gave him the finger when he tried to turn the world into a global utopia with the Phoenix Force. I don't get it either. For some reason, the X-men had a problem with that and were willing to team up with the Avengers, who also just can't do the whole utopia thing. And for some reason they were shocked when constantly attacking and provoking a cosmic force made it really upset. Because apparently these so-called heroes don't know what happens when you poke a hungry grizzly bear with a stick one time too many. Cyclops went nuts, he killed Charles Xavier, and got thrown in jail for...I don't know anymore. I've given up trying to make sense of that shit.

Whatever the reason, he's now gone from leader of the X-men to mutant revolutionary. And what choice does he have? It's this or going back to being someone's prison bitch. He's put together what's left of the Extinction Team, freeing Emma Frost in the process, despite her refusal to ever let him see her naked again. He's traveling all over the world, looking for mutants that are in trouble and fucking with the people that end up fucking with them. It's not exactly a dick move, but for some reason the authorities don't like people fucking with them when they're trying to fuck with minorities. So he's a terrorists. Go figure. And he has to do all this while their powers are being fucked up. For some reason, Emma lost her telepathy, Beast is dying, and Cyclops's optic blasts are more volatile. There isn't an explanation yet, but Emma suspects it's the Phoenix basically giving them the finger.

This has led the X-men, who once again can't seem to wrap their head around Cyclops rubbing elbows with Magneto, to take drastic measures. Then again, drastic may not be an appropriate enough word for fucking with the time stream and bringing back the Original Five. Hell, even on my worst bender that ends with me lying face down in a barn with a dead goat lying next to me doesn't get that fucked up. But it happened. The Original Five are in the present, they ditched the X-men, leaving Wolverine in a hilariously gay porno-like pose, and decided to confront future Cyclops and his revolutionary bullshit. All New X-men #3 finally finished setting the stage for this confrontation. Now All New X-men #4 is poised to shovel the shit into the fan.

It starts with Cyclops dealing with the biggest WTF moment since that guy in England found out that he accidentally married his sister. Now usually when an unexpected threat enters a scene when Cyclops is in full I’ve-boned-Emma-Frost bravado mode, shit gets pretty heavy pretty fast. But not this time. Instead, we get a very insightful and very appropriate scene where Cyclops contemplates what he’s seeing, whether or not it’s real, and what he feels when he sees a live Jean Grey again. And not just any Jean Grey either. This is teenage, pre-Phoenix, pre-multiple deaths, pre-Wolverine Jean Grey. That’s the Jean Grey he fell in love with. And since Jean just recently discovered her ability to read the thoughts of dirty old men, it overwhelms her. That or she also found out what happened on her and Cyclops’s honeymoon.

In being so overwhelmed (and maybe a little disgusted) Jean Grey shuts Cyclops up by a quick telekinetic blow that knocks both him and Magneto back. But keep in mind this is happening at a college keg party. This sort of shit isn’t even the fifth most destructive thing that can happen. If no couches have been set on fire, then it’s not much of a party. So it’s somewhat underwhelming when not much of a battle breaks out. I mean why would Cyclops fight against his younger self and a younger version of his wife? But still, all Magneto can do is throw a fucking bike at Iceman. That’s the extent of the action here. Now I’ve been to some pretty lame parties, but this one is right up there.

Even if the party and the battle sucked, this scene did a nice job of establishing of how different Cyclops and Magneto are in the present. It’s easy to forget that to this point, the Original Five only know Magneto for being the stubborn, racists, demigod who would gladly step a litter of kittens in the middle of a battle. Yet here he just retreats with Cyclops before the O5 even have a chance to question them, if that’s even what they want to do. I keep forgetting that the O5 are teenagers. Seeking to understand the context of the situation just isn’t in their nature anymore than not trying to get laid.

While the Original Five are left wondering how Magneto could have become such a pussy and the mutant that attracted this space time continuum fucking chaos (who was pretty much overlooked completely) stands just as confused, Cyclops's team arrives back at their Weapon X base in a state of shock. We also encounter Eva and Chris, the two mutants that Cyclops's team rescued in the first issue and who haven't done jack shit sense. Now I'm glad Bendis is at least acknowledging they're still part of the story and he even takes some time to have both characters reflect on how their previously boring lives are deader than Mike Huckabee's credibility. It's actually a nice moment for these two characters because Bendis gives them a moment to actually develop. However, it seems out of place because at this point most readers are still giddy about seeing Cyclops shit himself at the sight of a teenage version of his dead wife.

These two characters, Chris and Eva, quickly fall to the wayside as Magneto tells Emma about what happened. Naturally, she's not too thrilled. Given her history with Jean Grey and how much incentive she's given her to brutally maim her for kinky tastes in married men, even a teenage version of her is cause for concern. But the best reaction comes from Cyclops, who doesn't even attempt to take comfort in Emma's boobs like he used to. When a man forgoes Emma Frost's boobs in times of crisis, you know he's fucked up.

But Cyclops's Extinction team isn't the only one reeling. After ditching the keg party, the Original Five go somewhere nice and remote to wrap all the shit they just saw around their immature teenage minds. Jean Grey is especially fucked up and not just because she found out the guy she's in love with grows up to be a douche who runs around in a giant condom for a costume. In the second issue, she manifested her telepathy early. And an onslaught of thoughts in conjunction with the mind of a teenage girl is not a good combination to say the least. All the while, some of the others like Warren favor just forgetting this shit and repressing it like normal teenagers. Because when has that shit ever gone wrong?

This scene is probably the most important in the book, aside from seeing Cyclops freak out and seeing Iceman get a bike thrown at him of course. The Original Five clearly didn't come here expecting to say. They were just going to fuck with their future selves, fix it, and be done with it. But like every teenager at some point, the find out shit just isn't that easy. All these grim revelations that Beast told them about have been essentially confirmed. And Jean Grey knows it. It leads her to give Cyclops a scold that would castrate even the ballsiest man. It indicates that the epic love story that Marvel spent so many years developing is getting dangerously close to One More Day territory. However, at this point no one has pointed out to Jean that by not being with Cyclops, there's no Cable and with no Cable there's no Hope Summers and with no Hope Summers the events of Avengers vs. X-men go very badly (see Cable's vision of the future in X-Sanction). So it's not clear what Bendis's intentions are here, but it's clear Jean is now much more reluctant to give Cyclops her virginity.

This strikes future Cyclops in a way that goes beyond his penis now hating him. Emma Frost confronts him about what he saw. Together, they surmise that Beast was the one who brought the Original Five to the present and his reason for doing so involved pissing Cyclops off so he could see what an ass he's become. And since he's no longer letting him see her naked, she doesn't even try to console him. For once, Scott Summers does not have the love of a beautiful woman to comfort him. It's actually a pretty surreal moment and an important moment too because for his character it's a big fucking deal. He's already having to accept that he killed Xavier. So what is he going to do about it? Is he going to keep being a douche-bag or is he going to make an effort to make Jean Grey or Emma Frost at least contemplate letting him cop a feel? It's a great dramatic moment that Bendis captures perfectly. So even if you were disappointed by the action, you shouldn't be disappointed by this.

As Cyclops continues to fume, the Original Five return to the Jean Grey Institute where they still have that little unresolved issue of Beast dying to content with. It's an issue that stems from the ongoing mystery of how certain mutant powers were fucked up by the Phoenix. Emma just lost her telepathy. Beast is dying. How the fuck is that fair? Whatever the case, O5 Beast seems to have some theories and demands he be allowed to handle his own medical situation. Even Dr. House would have few problems with this because who has better motivation to save a dying patient than a guy's past self? That and it helps he's also a genius. But he arrives just in time to find his future self dying. This would be another great dramatic moment if Marvel hadn't already spoiled that Beast was going to be part of future Avengers books. I know in this day and age you can't avoid spoilers, but it would help it Marvel at least made an effort to conceal shit like that. Spoilers have other purposes aside from making Dan Slott's life is more miserable.

There’s a special kind of beauty in a story that takes multiple ongoing plots and brings them together in a harmonious way. It’s the kind of beauty I put somewhere between big tits and sunsets on a nude beach in Europe. And like any beauty, it’s rare for everything to really fall into place in a comic book. I’m not going to say that All New X-men #4 succeeded, but it came pretty damn close. Big tits still has a comfortable lead to say the least.

The confrontation that we all knew was building for three issues was heavy on drama, but light on action. The struggles between the Extinction Team and the Original Five X-men really played up the emotions, but when the most intense action involves Magneto throwing a bicycle at Iceman you can’t help but be underwhelmed. It was the complete opposite of the multi-page brawl between Cyclops and Wolverine in Schism. But what it lacked in graphic images of two grown men beating the shit out of each other, it more than made up for in emotion. The point of the battle and the issue as a whole was not to overplay the conflict. It was to intensify the drama, which Brian Michael Bendis has shown on numerous occasions that he can write that shit with the same skill as Samuel L. Jackson wields all phrases involving the word fuck.

What really makes this issue awesome is how Bendis had it affect the characters. It didn’t leave too many unanswered questions. It’s pretty damn clear that Cyclops will have to seriously re-evaluate the shit he’s doing after seeing Jean Grey alive and not in his wet dreams again. The same goes for O5 Cyclops and especially Jean Grey. It’s painfully clear that she simply can’t look at Cyclops the same way anymore. Granted, she doesn’t know the full story. Hell, none of them know the full story. Jean still hasn’t reacted to the revelation that she murdered 5 billion aliens, shacked up with Mastermind, swapped spit with Wolverine, and was cloned on more than one occasion. Angel hasn’t reacted to going from boning a hot Asian psychic to being an amnesiac hippie. But more than anything else, Bendis gave the O5 a reason to stick around in the present and continue the story.

While Bendis managed to clean up some of the plot holes, the beauty of this issue wasn’t flawless. If it were a hot chick, it would be one of those chicks with a great rack but an ugly birth mark on her ass. The two mutants, Eva and Chris, were somewhat random in their role. Hell, until this issue we didn’t know what the hell they were doing or why they didn’t see fit to help the Extinction Team. In addition, some of the reactions from the characters were a bit vague. While the emotions ran high, too much was left unsaid. That and the impact of the ending was largely underwhelming since we already know that Beast survives. It’s like seeing the Empire Strikes Back after the ending is spoiled. It loses its meaning.

Even so, this issue is a major improvement on the last issue and a perfect example of just how awesome this series can be. We’ve had plenty of X-books that involve exploding celestial shit and insane schoolyard conflicts that make you question what sort of drugs Jason Aaron is on. This is the kind of comic that really explores the emotions of the X-men and what it means to be X-men in a way that hasn’t been done in a long time. It has its flaws, but the beauty is undeniable. I give All New X-men #4 a 4 out of 5. Going back to all the anti-Cyclops fans out there, I’m pretty sure they’ll have plenty to jerk off to from this point forward. And for Jean Grey fans…well, I think they have enough to jerk off to already! Nuff said!

All New X-men #3 - Confusing Yet Awesome

Being pleasantly surprised by a comic book is a lot like being into sadomasochism. You're willing to endure so much pain and degradation until at some point in your own fucked up mind it becomes pleasure. Now I don't mean to imply that all comic book fans all have secret S&M fetishes that act out scenes from 50 Shades of Grey in their spare time, but having had to review many disappointing and sometimes painfully shitty comics on this blog I almost prefer being tied up, gagged, and repeatedly spanked with a leather whip at times.

But enough about my last trip to a German whore house. This is a great time to have an X-men blog because despite Avengers vs. X-men ending in the kind of crushing disappointment that would ruin the buzz of an entire ecstasy fueled rave. Brian Michael Bendis has ditched the Avengers after eight years and set up shop in the X-books with All New X-men (and later a relaunched Uncanny X-men). He already endeared himself to legions of X-men fans when he dared to bring back Jean fucking Grey from the dead. Granted, he had to use a shitty time travel gimmick to do it, but given all the bullshit teases Jean Grey fans have endured over the years they're more than happy to accept it.

And Bendis hasn't wasted any time reminding X-men fans why Jean Grey is awesome and why the Original Five X-men will always be the best, regardless of the lengths Beast goes to be a complete douche-bag. She and the rest of the Original Five X-men didn't just return to the present with Beast in an effort to stop what he claimed was a Cyclops whose balls became too big for even Emma Frost to handle. They returned to humiliate Wolverine as well. This picture alone shall endear in the hearts of Jean Grey fans and Wolverine haters for the rest of time.

But it isn't just about humiliating some creepy, old guy obsessed with swapping body fluids with Jean Grey. The Original Five X-men have returned to the present in the pages of All New X-men to uncover a future more fucked up than any future ruled by killer robots. They have the world being repopulated with mutants at an alarming rate and Cyclops has grown into a guy who is essentially pissing on the face of human/mutant peace by becoming a new Magneto-lite revolutionary. After having coming to see Magneto as the anti-Christ in their early years, it's just too fucked up to see Cyclops working alongside him so the Original Five are committed to giving the finger to the space time continuum and confronting this new Cyclops.

All New X-men #3 sets the stage for that confrontation by having the new Revolutionary Cyclops set up shop at a new Xavier Institute. Well, it's actually and old Weapon X facility. Setting up an Xavier Institute there would be like having a Christmas party at a mosque in Iran. It's just awkward as hell. But to his credit, Cyclops does attempt to justify his odd choice of base. For one, it's probably the last place anyone would look for him. He clearly hasn't forgotten that he's a wanted fugitive and on the Avenger's shit list. It helps to have a good place to hide. Also, it would turn a place once used to torture mutants into a place where mutants could stand up and say, "We're not going to take it, motherfuckers!" I think there's something very poetic about that. Hell, it could be a lost Nirvana song for all I know.

But between him, Magneto, and Magik, Cyclops knows that he could barely sell any girl scout cookies with his team, let alone start a mutant revolution. So he sets out to add to their ranks by freeing another mutant that happens to be a fugitive on the shit list of one too many Avengers. The problem is that they're being transported under heavy guard. But that's never stopped the X-men before. It's the kind of shit they can handle while hung over if they had to, but for some rather mysterious reasons this rescue gets a little messy. Instead of just subduing the trucks, transports, and drivers they find out that Magneto's powers are out of whack. He's unable to subdue them while waving his dick in their face laughing like he's often prone to do. Cyclops has issues to because when he tries to use his powers, his visor starts to fuck up like an old Windows Vista computer. It leads to a much messier (albiet much more entertaining) rescue operation for everyone except the poor souls driving that shit. Guess that's what you get for signing a contract with Halliburton and Black Water.

Messiness aside, they do succeed in their mission. They free a prisoner that was deemed so dangerous it probably required multiple bribes from Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld to put together. That prisoner was Emma Frost, which is painfully obvious and painfully logical as well because we never got a full explanation as to how Emma Frost was no longer in prison and hanging out with Cyclops and Magneto again. Now I had assumed she had just sucked enough dicks to get paroled, but this works just as well and is a more thorough explanation.

However, she isn't exactly happy for someone that no longer has to wear prison garb and go down on the butch woman in the showers every morning. Before this series even launched, Brian Bendis announced that the Cyclops/Emma relationship was officially over. Well in this scene, it's more than official. Emma is exceedingly pissed at Cyclops and doesn't believe him for a second when he uses the "The Phoenix made me do it," excuse. He still betrayed her, taking her share of the Phoenix. She even claimed he left her for dead, which is bullshit considering he rotted in jail too and wasn't in a position to really come back for her. But even if that is bullshit, she has another perfectly legitimate reason to be pissed, as if scorned women don't have enough between religious extremists and Chris Brown.

Apparently that mysterious glitch in their powers that made this rescue so messy extended to Emma Frost as well. She reveals that she can't read Cyclops's mind anymore to find out if he's being sincere or just wants to see her naked again (although it's probably a little of both). Her powers have been fucked up too. She claims it's because of the Phoenix Force. They fucked with it and like nymphomaniac on amphetamines, it fucked them back. For that reason, Emma Frost says with some exceedingly weak and very un-Emma-like dialog that she's ditching Cyclops. I say it's weak because Bendis clearly doesn't know how to write Emma Frost here. She sounds like a pissy teenage girl who just caught her boyfriend in a three way with her best friend and the girl who once put crazy glue on her tampons. Now I can believe to a degree that prison has hardened Emma's crass demeanor, but by this much? Fuck no! Even though I think it's good that the Cyclops/Emma relationship is over, this hardly gets the right sentiment across. However, Emma does remember eventually that she's a wanted fugitive and doesn't have much of a choice. Either she has to follow her ex and hope he'll fix this or acquire a taste for pussy for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, she picks the option that will deny us the hottest prison porno in the history of the universe.

In addition, the whole powers glitch thing has some problems. Now on some levels, it is logical because this was exactly what Beast had been struggling with in the first issue. He seemed to understand that something was happening to their mutation. And it makes sense that it would extend to other mutants who had been close to the Phoenix Force battle as well. But what doesn't make even a half a shit stain of sense is why they didn't seem at all affected in All New X-men #1. And it had to have taken place after this scene because Emma was with them. So what the fuck happened? How were they able to use their powers so competently if they were being fucked with? It's a pretty glaring flaw. It may be an ongoing mystery, but when the plot holes are that big even a drunk like me can't ignore them.

While established mutants are having their powers fucked with, All New X-men has also been exploring a new generation of mutants. The first issue introduced us to two unfortunate mutants whose powers put them on the wrong side of a gun. And they didn't even have powers that were all that dangerous. Well now we catch up with yet a new mutant named Benjamin, a college student in Texas who presumably was never taught about evolution or condoms. He's hanging out at some pro-mutant protest, which is actually a nice shift from the usual "kill them all with giant robots!" demonstration. But while he's talking to a girl he'll probably end up getting pregnant, he starts to show some mutant powers. It's nothing too explosive. He's a shape shifter who takes on the appearance of his girlfriend. He's basically a reverse Mystique. I'm not expert in mutant powers, but having the ability to shape shift boobs is one of the powers which all sentinels should probably spare.

It may be great for Benjamin, but Cyclops and the rest of his rebuilding Extinction Team are at a loss. Now they have to both kick start their mutant revolution and fix whatever is fucking with their powers. It leads to a rather angry confrontation between Magneto and Cyclops where Magneto blames him for fucking with the powers he loves so much and claims the Phoenix was never responsible for what he did. It was all him. Yeah, because we're all capable of controlling ourselves when we're consumed by a cosmic power or a nasty dose of meth. I can't speak for the Phoenix, but having picked fights with fire hydrants at three in the morning I'm among the few that can say Cyclops's point does have more worth.

Now this is a great scene in some ways because Magneto basically calls Cyclops out, telling him that he's responsible and he shouldn't blame the Phoenix Force. But what keeps it from being great is that again it makes no fucking sense. Cyclops already admitted responsibility in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences. Did Bendis forget there were other X-men books before this? He might have because Cyclops's reaction really doesn't make fall in line with the shit that's been established. Hell, how could he be this insecure in one scene and all "Join the revolution!" in the other like he was in the first issue? Now unless some crazy shit happened in between that wasn't revealed yet, it really fails every logical test going back to Socrates. And the weak dialog doesn't help, although it isn't nearly as bad as some of Fraction's old dialog.

This bullshit exchange is only thwarted from becoming more fucked up when Emma Frost breaks it up and tells them a new mutant has emerged. So rather than get into a dick-measuring contest, they head out to track down Benjamin so he can join their little revolution. He's apparently at a kegger celebrating his new powers, which is probably exactly what I would do if I found out I had superpowers. He hasn't had a gun pointed at him by the authorities yet, but since Cyclops feels it's only a matter of time he shows up to recruit him to his revolution. However, the events of this book finally catch up with the events of the previous book because the Original Five shows up as well. So while the limited details, shitty dialog, and plot holes of this book were egregious, you can't say it doesn't set the stage for a pretty awesome battle!

Back when I was reviewing Avengers vs. X-men, one of the major sticking points that had me dipping my balls into a deep fryer was the end not making any damn sense. I like to think I'm not too demanding on my comics. I enjoy the over-the-top action, melodrama, and grossly ill-proportioned tits as much as the next all-American drunk, but I also prefer that all that shit makes sense. The way Avengers vs. X-men was more fucked up than the third Matrix movie and that's not factoring in the Keanu Reeves influence. I was willing to put that shit behind me and lock it away along with the rest of the trauma I've endured over the years, mostly at the hands of underfunded public schools, but seeing that shit again even if it's to a lesser degree has my balls smelling like fried chicken again.

Now to be fair to Brian Michael Bendis, this is the middle of the arc and not the end. There is still plenty of time to tie all this crazy shit together in a way that actually will make sense and won't require the suppression of more trauma. Whether or not Bendis actually follows through is another matter. One of the major criticisms of his Avengers run was that he was more all over the place than a bipolar meth addict at a Chuck-e-Cheese. He introduced so many awesome concepts, but he just couldn't find a way to make that shit fit together in something that wouldn't have readers scratching their heads and/or banging them against the wall. I would like to think that Bendis can avoid those mistakes in All New X-men since it's a smaller, more concentrated cast of characters. I would also like to think a Las Vegas judge would be more sympathetic the next time I'm arrested for walking down the Strip at two in the morning with no pants smelling like cheap whiskey. There's only so much delusion a drunken comic book fan can handle.

There's casual ommissions and then there's gross oversights. The whole situation with Cyclops, Magneto, and Emma Frost's powers is fucked up in and of itself. It would only be a casual oversight if this shit was never touched on or hinted at in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences because it could just be written off as a new development. But when all three of these characters are effectively using their powers in All New X-men #1 without any hint of strain, that's a big ass problem. There's only so much weed I can smoke to make me overlook certain shit and my dealer isn't that well-connected. In addition, the weak dialogue with Emma Frost and Magneto is pretty glaring. It's not the most egregious I've seen in the past. Bendis still has a ways to go before he can say his dick is bigger than Matt Fraction's in that department. But after doing such an amazing job with the voices of each character in All New X-men #2, it's a pretty significant disappointment.

Make no mistake, these are some big ass flaws. However, these flaws aren't as exceedingly damaging to the overall story. While the details don't make sense, the concept works perfectly. The first issue set up the Jean Grey Institute. The second issue set up the Original Five. Now the third issue has set up Cyclops and what's left of his Extinction Team and Bendis has set it up in a way that puts them on a direct and logical collision course with the Original Five. He also made clear in this issue that the post-Avengers vs. X-men Cyclops is still hung over from his Phoenix-fueled bender. He's talking all this revolution and shit, which is a stark difference from his younger self. Now he's going to have to answer to his younger self and see how fucked up that's going to make him. It took three issues, but Bendis set a stage so awesome that it could only be better if it included strippers and Neil Patrick Harris.

So how do I score this book? Well, the inconsistencies are pretty fucking glaring, but the concept is pretty fucking awesome. Also, I can't forget even without the aid of good weed that this issue is the middle of an arc. Not every loose end can be tied up here, nor should I expect it to. But the weak details, utter disregard for the precedent set by Kieron Gillen, and the inconsistent characterization of certain characters like Emma Frost really hurt the issue in ways that should have been easily fixable with the property application of logic. But in the end we're left with a book that feels like a win by the Cleveland Browns. It's ugly, but it's a win. Unfortunately, style points do matter when grading a comic. So I give All New X-men #3 a 3 out of 5. For the sake of my balls and my roommate's deep fryer, I hope Brian Michael Bendis finds a way to have this shit make sense in the end. If nothing else, I'll gladly settle for more scenes of Jean Grey making Wolverine look stupid. Nuff said!

It's Official: Uncanny X-men Relaunch and Cyclops/Emma Breakup!

There are some things that are just so unsurprising that you have to actively fight the urge to roll your eyes. It's like finding out your wife secretly fantasizes about being double penetrated by Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Or that a porn star's tits aren't real. It's just one of those inescapable truths that you can't avoid unless you have the willful ignorance of a creationist.

On the flip side, every now and then some genuinely surprising shit comes along that makes you swallow your tongue, grab your balls, and run for the nearest bunker because you're certain it's a sign of the end-times. Now comics have been known to do some pretty shocking shit. DC has Superman and Wonder Woman swapping superhuman bodily fluids. Marvel brought back Bucky freakin' Barnes. Hell, both companies were crazy enough to give Jeph Loeb a job. That shit is pretty shocking, but they both have certain tendencies that readers and drunks come to expect. We expect that Wolverine will be an asshole, that Hope Summers will be an insufferably annoying Jean Grey rip-off, and that Deadpool will never shut up. I've gone on plenty of rants in my reviews about how Marvel outright refuses to do shit they should while doing shit that a drunk monkey that just had his balls cut off wouldn't do. But every now and then, the geniuses at Marvel sober up and I have to eat my words and take a few extra shots of whiskey that I probably would have taken otherwise.

Let's start with the unsurprising shit. A week ago, Marvel teased a new Marvel NOW! series for the relaunch with Uncanny. I did a blot post about it calling it the least ominous teaser since Snakes on a Plane. And for once, Marvel didn't try to be coy about it like that guy who tries to pick up women at a bar by telling them they're licensed to do breast exams (it's shocking how much that shit works by the way). They outright confirmed that Brian Michael Bendis will be adding another X-men book to his already impressive pedigree with All New X-men with the help of Wolverine and the X-men artist, Chris Bachalo.

Marvel: Uncanny X-men Relaunch for Marvel NOW!

It's unsurprising because it makes perfect sense. As we saw at the end of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5, Cyclops has escaped from prison and the Extinction Team is back in action. And since we already know that they'll be clashing with the Original Five in the pages of All New X-men, it's pretty clear they'll have a very different kind of story to tell and there just isn't enough ink for one book to tell it. This way Bendis can tell the story of the Original Five X-men in All New X-men and the Extinction Team in Uncanny X-men. It promises to put Cyclops in a new situation where mutants are not going extinct and some just aren't going to be okay with other bigoted humans trying to kill them.

That in and of itself isn't too shocking. What will have your balls shooting up into the back of your throat is one little twist that involves the beautiful women that Cyclops's penis has become so used to accommodating.

Marvel.com: Speaking of love, Cyclops and Emma Frost went through some rough times during Avengers Vs. X-Men. How does the fallout affect their relationship?

Brian Michael Bendis: The romance is done. They are not together anymore romantically. It's pretty hard to come back from what they went through in Avengers Vs. X-Men. Things were said, powers were stolen, and as we will discover in the very first issues of UNCANNY X-MEN, some things happen between them that cannot be taken back.

I had to read this shit at least six times, smoke a joint, read it again, sober up, take a shot of tequila, sober up again, and then read it six more times. I just couldn't accept that it was real until I had been sufficiently drunk, high, and sober. But I eventually came to accept it. Marvel has actually done something I never thought they would do. They ended the Cyclops/Emma relationship.

Cyclops's penis will NEVER forgive him.

This may not be a big deal to fans who don't care who is boning who in their comics, but for fans that give a shit about the personal lives of their favorite characters this is like your sister telling you she's having a sex change. This is one issue that I've ranted about many times, complaining endlessly and drunkenly how Marvel refuses to genuinely shake shit up with this relationship. It was great when it started out under Joss Whedon, but then it turned into a prolonged episode of Two and a Half Men that consisted only of the occasional one-liner and bed scenes. And since no relationship in Two and a Half Men has ever ended without a horrible breakup, laughable infidelity, or John Cryer coming off as a pussy it made no sense to think of this relationship as anything more than fodder for fans to masturbate to.

Sure, Marvel teased at some tension. In recent years Emma Frost has shown a strong desire to bone Namor, who never passes up an opportunity to put his penis in a hot blond. But nothing ever came of that shit. It was constantly swept under the rug or just shrugged off. I found that more annoying than those stoner friends that always insist they'll pay you back for the weed they stole, but conveniently forget even after you've kicked them in the balls several times. The guys at Marvel just seemed intent on keeping these two together, as if the writers were trying to live through Cyclops so that in a way they could bone Emma Frost. While it's completely understandable to want to fuck someone like Emma Frost, readers like myself are not okay with it coming at the expense of character, plot, and common fucking sense. Just keeping these two together for that reason is a bad fucking reason and anyone who has ever tried to get back with an ex-girlfriend for a bad fucking reason know that shit doesn't end well.

She's probably erasing every memory he's ever had of her naked.

Now shit got pretty heavy in Avengers vs. X-men when Cyclops flat out turned on Emma Frost, beat the Phoenix Force out of her, and took it for himself. That's the kind of relationship gaff that even Ike Turner would find disturbing. But I figured Marvel would find some way to work around that shit so they could keep pretending that they were the ones boning Emma. But I was wrong. And fuck, it never felt so good to be wrong. If one of my health teachers from high school heard me say that now, they would break down crying.

So Cyclops and Emma Frost aren't boning anymore. And that's great. Well, not for Cyclops's penis, but in a purely pragmatic sense it's perfect. Now Cyclops and Emma Frost have to be on the same team as ex-lovers. That's like your parole officer being your pot dealer. It's awkward as fuck and definitely screws up the mission.

Uncanny X-men promises a very different kind of mission under Bendis. Not only is Cyclops a fugitive on a team of other fugitives including his ex, he's in a world where mutants aren't going extinct. He made it clear at the end of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences that he's prepared to do what Wolverine and the Jean Grey Institute can't. He's prepared to protect the mutant race from extinction, even if it means being a douche about it. He had to stop being a boy scout after M-Day and he's not going back. That means there's the potential for new mutants, new X-men, and some very awkward moments between two ex's and Cyclops's past self. It's the kind of Uncanny X-men that could only be more often if every copy came with pictures of Mitt Romney crying like a little pussy for losing the election. And for that, I have high hopes that this will be awesome in a very special way.

So in closing, I propose yet another drink to honor to the end of the Cyclops/Emma relationship and the sorrow of Cyclops's penis. May Marvel find new ways to fantasize about boning hot blond telepaths. Nuff said!

MORE Previews of All New X-men #1 and Beyond

At this point, keeping up with all of the previews and teasers for the upcoming All New X-men series is like trying to keep up with Charlie Sheen on a cocaine bender. It's damn near impossible and somewhere along the way some hookers may end up permanently scarred. But you don't have to keep up with all the teasers, hints, spoilers, and hype Marvel is throwing behind this new series to be excited about it. Just seeing the Original Five X-men back in the present and imagining how awkward it will be for Wolverine when he has to keep it in his pants around a teenage Jean Grey makes this series more than worth knocking yourself out with heroin so you don't have to wait as long. But this past week, Marvel has gone into greater detail about what to expect with this series as if they haven't done enough to divulge the entire first issue. They did an entire liveblog about it in which Brian Michael Bendis and Nick Lowe couldn't stop soaking their panties at the prospect of writing Jean Grey again. To be fair, I've yet to walk out of a situation that involves talking about All New X-men where my panties haven't been soaked as well.

CBR: Bendis & Lowe Introduce All New X-men

There is so much potential for a series like this. It doesn't just bring Jean Grey back into the fold. It essentially takes what made Back to the Future awesome and applies to the X-men, minus the incest. It also has the potential to get back to the basics with the X-men. Since House of M, they've been less about heroics and more about being this mutant militia fighting for survival. Now I'm not going to deny that shit is pretty awesome and has made for some damn good stories, but it gets old after a while. There's only so many ways you can make a superhero team look like badasses before they become douche-bags.

And if time travel wasn't enough, Bendis and Lowe also promise a few hints beyond the overly spoiled All New X-men #1. Like who will be in a position to fuck with the Original Five more than Wolverine will fuck with Jean Grey's underwear? How about motherfucking Mystique!

Bendis also revealed who the major villain of the piece will be. "A very big, positioned antagonist is going to be Mystique," Bendis said. "She's going to be very interested in the past X-Men coming here."

So not only is one famous redhead coming back. Another is entering the picture again. Apparently, she's going to get tired of fucking Sabretooth in the pages of Uncanny X-Force and need to fuck with someone else. Given that Mystique was one of the first comic book women I've ever jerked off to, this is a wonderful revelation and I will buy Bendis a full brick of cocaine if he can make it sufficiently awesome.

He also says there are plans for the Original Five to cross paths with Hope "Jean rip-off" Summers. 

There are also huge plans for Hope Summers -- Lowe referenced "Cable and X-Force," but Bendis said there might be some interaction with Jean Grey and Hope later down the line.

I've already gone into many rants about how this bitchy ripoff character needs to die a 1,000 deaths and her grave be shat upon by a 1,000 fat men with irritable bowel syndrome. So I won't go into another and just say I hope Original Five Jean Grey is prepared to telekinetically bitch slap this pathetic excuse for a mutant messiah.

There's so much to look forward to. I've already made plans for when this series is finally released and Marvel stops spoiling the first issue. I've got a bottle of lube, a few bags of blow, some candles, and a new bong. I intend to lay naked on my bed, covered in baby oil while I read the book with my Grateful Dead collection playing in the background. My balls are already wet so November 7th can't come fast enough! In the meantime, here is some of the preview art that Marvel released for All New X-men #1 and beyond.

Not sure if Kitty and Iceman are doing something important or are just trying to enjoy a little thrill sex before the Original Five hogs the spotlight. Might be a little of both.

This image was already released months ago, but this time it's in motherfucking color! I was tripping on shrooms when I saw the first preview so I didn't notice.

Wolverine has clearly detected the scent of a live Jean Grey. His penis is taking it from there!

The Original Five confront Adult Cyclops, Magneto, and a lot of visibly confused people who probably think their drinks were spiked. Whereas Wolverine's penis will probably fuck with him upon seeing Jean Grey again, I imagine many other body parts will be fucking with Cyclops when he sees his dead wife as a teenager again.

Not sure what's going on here, but I think the reason they're focusing on their heads is because they may be in the process of shitting themselves.

Once again, teenage Jean Grey is overwhelmed and teenage Cyclops tries to help her. Is it cliched? Yes. Is it still awesome? Fuck yes.

Looks like someone got way too fucking wasted last night. It looks like me after my 21st birthday. A vision of the past or a prelude of what will happen on my next trip to Tijuana? We'll have to wait and see! Nuff said!

MORE All New X-men #1 Preview Pages (And Cyclops Kicking Ass)

Just when I think Marvel has done enough to spoil a comic, they find new ways to get away with it. It's not enough that they like to leak spoilers for big issues to mainstream media the day before the issue hits. On some levels I applaud their foresight because someone at that company is smart enough to tell his boss, "Fuck it. This shit will be all over the internet anyways. Why not exploit the living hell out of it?" Well like that hooker I picked up at an S&M club last week, I say exploit me motherfuckers!

I've done a series of blog posts recently on the various pages of All New X-men #1 that Marvel has spoon fed the web. The first time was basically a glorified teaser, which is not too outrageous for a comic company to do. The second time took it a step further, spoiling the whole fucking ending. You would think by now that All New X-men #1 is more spoiled than a tun sandwich left in a locked car for three days in Phoenix, Arizona. Well what's a little food poisoning and violent diarrhea at this point? This past week, Marvel has spoiled yet more panels that spoil way more than the ending.

The biggest revelation, which is probably the least surprising revelation since Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to banging Bridget Nielson when it was still something to brag about, is that Cyclops apparently got paroled from prison. And Emma Frost also managed to suck enough dicks to get pardoned. So they're free, they're hanging out with Magneto, and making it clear that the Avengers and the X-men that joined them can go fuck themselves.

And if the message wasn't clear enough, Cyclops gives them the finger in a very creative X-men style way.

It may be a cheap spoiler, but it is a major spoiler in the sense that we know how the shit unfolding in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences ends. Cyclops doesn't just break out of jail. He jumps right back into action and doesn't give a sliver of a fuck that he's still a fugitive. It's the kind of badass usually reserved for Wolverine, but Wolverine's badassery has been since replaced by douche-baggery as was so eloquently described in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2. So not only was Cyclops right, but he's also brazen enough to bust out of jail and continue fucking with the Avengers. Excuse me. I just teared up a little.

But as nice as it is to see Cyclops and what's left of the Extinction Team kicking around, it does raise some additional and possibly distressing questions. Namely, what the fuck is Cyclops doing that has the rest of the X-men thinking his younger self would be so disgusted? In the previews, it looks like he's saving mutants and/or throwing himself into anti-mutant rights to bust some heads. How is that shit against anything Xavier taught him? Is it because he's doing it with Magneto, a former stripper, and a teenage girl who was possessed by a demon? Fuck, why would anyone be disgusted by that. Hell, that just shows a commitment to teaching former villains to kick ass!

Another issue that hasn't been addressed is the Cyclops/Emma relationship. I've bitched about it a lot on this blog and made no bones about it. After the events of Avengers vs. X-men, these two should at the very least should take a break from making pornos. When Emma tried to convince Cyclops to burn the world to a crisp and when Cyclops ditched Emma to find Hope, that's shit that even Dr. Phil would say is unhealthy. Now Marvel has yet to clear up whether their relationship is over or if they're just going to sweep everything under the rug like they always do so they can keep pretending that these two somehow share a love that's deeper than your typical porno. But if these two are still together after the sheer recklessness with which they've handled them lately, it'll only prove that the writers at Marvel have stopped giving a damn.

I'm trying to be optimistic. Seeing Cyclops out of jail and giving the finger to the Marvel universe that screwed him over is more than enough to warrant buying multiple copies of this comic. We already know the Original Five are going to clash with their modern counterparts. This just promises to make that clash all the more awesome. Nuff said!

All New X-men #1 Preview: More Promise and More Bullshit

A while back, I did a post on some previews for All New X-men #1 that had been recently released by Marvel. Not content to merely offer fans a whiff of the shit they have planned, a few more panels have been released. I meant to post them sooner, but I wasn't sure how much more Marvel was going to post. That and I may have gotten drunk again. Okay, so maybe one was more a factor than the other. But the fine folks at Newsarma have compiled all the images released thus far and the scripts. I'll leave it to my wonderful readers how much it soaks their panties.

Page 16-17:

4- Iceman is next to Hank, who leans on the blackbird.  Trying to disguise [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]... And says it.

ICEMAN
The thing is Ororo, I've known Scott longer than ANYONE.

Me AND Hank.

We've known him forever.  We were the ORIGINAL X-Men.

The Scott we grew up with - he would HATE this.

Page 15:

5- Ororo is angry and the sky behind her is dark purple wind and lightening.  The wind is insane.

ORORO

I KNOW!!

I know, Kitty.

But a fight like this will end in half the mutants dead and half the world hating us.

All we’ve been doing here will have been for nothing.

All New X-men #1 Preview: Promise and Bullshit

Because I'm drunk and I'll probably end up writing about this topic in many a drunken rants, I might as well post some news and updates on this topic. I'm talking about All New X-men #1. I've already done posts on the covers that were recently released. Now Marvel has been releasing a few pages of All New X-men #1 along with some script. Is it going to make you shit your pants? Probably not. But it poses some interesting questions for which fans on message boards will bitch about.

ALL-NEW X-MEN #1
Page 2-3
1- Ext. Jean Grey School for Higher Learning- day
Wide shot of the mansion from the front gate looking in.
It is a gorgeous day and it’s a calm day at the mansion.
Reads: the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning
THE BEAST
JOURNAL
I am mutating.    
And it is [REDACTED]. 

Page 16-17:
4- Iceman is next to Hank, who leans on the blackbird.  Trying to disguise [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]... And says it.
ICEMAN
The thing is Ororo, I've known Scott longer than ANYONE.
Me AND Hank.
We've known him forever.  We were the ORIGINAL X-Men.
The Scott we grew up with - he would HATE this.


So the X-men think Cyclops's younger self would be appalled that he tried to create a worldwide utopia and was constantly attacked until he went crazy. Really? And Beast is mutating yet again. Really? I'm cynical yet intrigued. Avengers vs. X-men can't end fast enough.

Fan Expo: ANOTHER All New X-men Cover Mystery

It goes without saying that Marvel loves to tease the shit out of their fans when a new series comes along that they know will make a fuckton of money and inspire a fuckton of variants. It also goes without saying that the motivation for this teasing isn't entirely predicated on just watching fans react and laughing their asses off behind the scenes while they plan to snort imported caviar off the ass of a teenage stripper. Keyword entirely. I've cited numerous instances on this blog where a cover turned out to be a complete ruse. Remember this shit?

May we pause for a moment while Jean Grey fans relive this terrible memory?

But sometimes a cover sparks an outcry without being a ruse if you can believe that. Sometimes the cover partly spoils the end of a big event. Other times it creates another mystery that has fans scratching their heads with intrigue and frustration. When that scratching starts chipping away at the skull, then Marvel knows they're onto something.

That brings me to All New X-men #1. I've already made two blog posts on this cover since Marvel started leaking them. One was just to admire the sight of Jean Grey and the Original Five gracing the cover of an actual 616 book again. The other added a new wrinkle to the teasing in the same way that a prostate massage adds a new wrinkle to a happy ending at a massage parlor. I won't review all the twisted conspiracy theories that the Rachel Grey look-a-like on that cover has incurred, mostly because I don't want to overshadow the 9/11 truthers or the birthers. But I will gladly spark a new round of conspiracy theories just because I think the sober world is too damn boring and needs something to mix some shit into the pot of awesome.

At this past week's Fan Expo, there was more teasing than Tijuana topless bar. Most of it was pretty standard, but then Marvel saw fit to reveal yet another All New X-men cover. This one may or may not have spoiled the outcome of AvX and sparked yet another conspiracy theory.

Suck it, Loose Change!

Let's start with the obvious. If this cover isn't bullshit, it basically reveals that all those teases about Cyclops and Emma fighting in AvX were bullshit yet again. Since they're standing to close and on the same team, they clearly haven't broken up or anything. So all that fighting in AvX is probably going to amount to jack shit yet again. I've ranted about it so many times before. Cyclops and Emma have become the same sacred cow that Marvel often criticized when Cyclops was with Jean Grey. They won't do dick about jack about squat with this relationship. They're not romantic. They're not affectionate. They're just a few witty remarks and bed scenes. Again, how is that any different than a fucking Two and a Half Men rerun? If these two are supposed to be the X-men's most passionate couple, why do they have the depth of a fucking porno while Northstar and Kyle get more emotional in one fucking issue before getting married? I seriously don't know what the fuck Marvel is doing with these two anymore. Are they just together because they want to see two attractive people fuck? Maybe they haven't heard, but there's this thing called the internet and most comic readers are smart enough to download a billion pictures of attractive people fucking onto their smart phones.

Since Namor isn't even in the picture, that pretty much reveals that he's not going to be in the X-books anymore and therefore he won't be causing any tension between Cyclops and Emma anymore. Hell, he was the only source of tension between these two and even that wasn't much to begin with. Now with a young Jean Grey coming back, there seems to be absolutely no room for drama. If Cyclops is still just bedding Emma, there's really not much room for Cyclops to do much other than say "Fuck, there's the teenage girl I used to bone. Oh well. I've got someone else now."

But I digress. My outrage with the Cyclops/Emma relationship is probably better explored once Marvel once again does jack shit with it in AvX. The other part of the promo that will probably get many a panties into many a nots is that odd looking guy next to Emma. Unlike the Rachel Grey look-a-like, there's not much of a hint as to who he is. He doesn't have red hair and green eyes so that really narrows it down. But for some reason, he's in the background and not a single clue has been given. That means human nature must by default create some wild conspiracy theory to fill the void because waiting for the explanation is for pussies.

I have my theory. I believe that character is a young Bishop. He's been MIA since before Second Coming. Marvel could have killed him beforehand, but they didn't. Instead, they left him in the future. And since Cable came back in X-Sanction, Bishop has no excuse. We already know that All New X-men will involve time travel and that is sort of Bishop's thing. So why not? Or maybe a better question is if that is him, why the hell does he look like he should be working as a cashier at Wal Mart? Whatever the case, it's clearly linked because this cover links up with the others.

They ALL look so pissed.

I'm sure Marvel will tease the shit out of this moving forward. Just as I'm sure I'll have plenty more to rant about regarding Marvel's shitty handling of the Cyclops/Emma relationship. But so long as they keep fucking with fans and I have a steady supply of booze, that means I'll have plenty to write about on this blog! Nuff said.

All New X-men #1 Cover Update - Mystery of the (non-Jean) Redhead

A while back a did a quick post on the recent release of the cover for All New X-men #1. There wasn't much to say about it. Okay, I may have been a little high and there's only so much shit we can derive from a cover, but it was definitely newsworthy because it offered a brief glimpse into the return of the Original Five. In addition, it was the first cover with Jean Grey that we can at least be somewhat sure isn't a fucking cock tease.

They still look pissed.

While my dick did thank Brian Bendis and Stuart Immonen, there has been a new twist to this story. A few days later, Marvel released a variant cover for All New X-men #1. It wasn't too surprising. In the original article it already hinted at this cover might be one of those comic jigsaw puzzles that fit together with other comics to make some big uber cover that later becomes a poster that fans like me put in the corner of their room so as not to obstruct the playboy pinups. I didn't do another blog post because it seemed pretty innocuous.

They also look pretty damn pissed and/or constipated.

It's a pretty basic team. It's the X-men's heavy hitters in Wolverine, Storm, Kitty Pryde, Iceman, Beast, and Rachel Grey. For a book like All New X-men where Brian Michael Bendis said outright that the Original Five would be interacting heavily with X-men's regulars it's to be expected. But then a few days later, Bendis threw in a twist that adds another piece to a puzzle that should be pretty basic.

See that redhead in the corner? The one that most normal, sober people would say is Rachel Grey sporting a mini-skirt that's a few inches too high? That's NOT Rachel Grey. Bendis actually confirmed this on his message board. That's not to say Rachel Grey isn't a major player. It's already been revealed that she's going to survive Avengers vs. X-men and remain a major player at the Jean Grey Institute. However, that girl on the cover isn't her.

Now when I heard this, my first logical conclusion was to assume I either had too much to drink or not enough. Once I ruled that possibility out, the synapses in my brain started working overtime. Who the fuck could that be? Some speculated it's Jessica Jones or Tabitha Smith. But Bendis has already said that's not the case. But how many other redheads associated with the X-men that dress in mini-skirts are there?

We don't know yet because Marvel isn't spilling the details this soon no matter how drunk the fans get or how fucked up their theories may be. But right now, the brain cells I haven't managed to kill have concluded that this may be a new version of Hope Summers. I've made my utter hatred of this character clear before. I'll go on record as saying that if she dies in Avengers vs. X-men, I'll be the first one to take a shit on her grave. But there's also a chance that old Jean rip-off may undergo a transformation in the final act of Avengers vs. X-men. There's an even more remote chance that the transformation will make her a character you don'[t feel the urge to punch in the face. But I learned long ago not to get my hopes up for shit like that. For all I know, this could be someone else entirely. Hell, maybe Emma Frost lost AvX and now has to walk around as a redhead as punishment. Or maybe Kid Omega had a sex change. In comics, pretty much all options are on the table.

So I'm opening up this den of drunken comic book fans to crazy theories and wild accusations. Who is this mysterious redhead and what are the chances she's somewhat less annoying than Hope Summers? Bendis has fans by the balls at the moment and it's only a matter of time before he starts squeezing. So why don't we all save our balls and our future children the trouble and figure it out before infertility sets in? Nuff said!

Giant Sized X-men Supreme Issue 0: Revelation X is LIVE!

Merry Christmas Eve Eve everybody! I hope all you X-men Supreme fans are having a great holiday. I've worked long and hard to make sure I have a gift to give all those generous supporters who have helped make this fanfiction series so uncanny over the past couple of hears. With X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers and X-men Supreme Reflections Volume 2 complete, I'm ready to offer a very special giant sized story to celebrate the progress of this fanfiction series.

As I stated previously, this one-shot is akin to a Giant Sized issue or an Annual the likes of which Marvel occassionally produces. They're larger than most comics, but contain a much denser story. X-men Supreme has quite a history, but I haven't been able to explore it fully since it began. I've had flashbacks and retellings such as Issue 31: Memory Musings. But that simply isn't enough! I'm ready to take this fanfiction series a step further. That's why I'm so excited about this first of what I hope to be many giant sized one-shots. It tells a story about the past, long before X-men Supreme Issue 1: Mutant Revolution. It tells the story of one of the most vital moments in the history of the X-men Supreme universe. So with great pride, I present to you wonderful fanfiction fans my first Giant Sized X-men Supreme Special.

Issue 0: Revelation X

With this giant sized special, the stage is set for X-men Supreme Volume 3. I've been building it up for a long time now and I'm ready to unleash it to the fanfiction world. X-men Supreme Volumes 1 and 2 followed a certain path of conflict. Well X-men Supreme Volume 3 will take the X-men down an entirely new path. There's a lot of story to tell and I look forward to developing it in the year 2012! As always, I deeply appreciate the support of those who take the time to read and provide feedback. If ever you have any questions or comments on this giant sized special or X-men in general, please contact me at any time. Have a very happy holidays everybody! Until next time, take care and best wishes.

Jack

Uncanny X-men #544 - An Ending (and Beginning) of Awesome

As a professional drunk, I understand that even the best benders have to end at some point. You could be high off your tits, surrounded by supermodels, doing blow off Scarlett Johanson's ass, and arm wrestle Mike Tyson in an epic weekend in Vegas that you could make a Lord of the Rings style trilogy about. Eventually, you're going to wake up in a dirty motel room staring at the ceiling with your pants around your angles, a strange mucus gushing from your nose, and a hangover that would castrate an elephant. In that sense a bender is like a comic. Some comics aren't meant to last more than a few years or a few months for that matter. Very few last so long that they've been coming out consistently since the time before Kennedy was shot by the CIA in a cover plot with the Illuminati. Uncanny X-men was one of those books and at a time when all the other major titles like Action Comics and Fantastic Four were resetting, Uncanny just kept rolling along. Well today that bender ends and X-fans everywhere must contend with the hangover, although I hope it involves less vomit.

Uncanny X-men has made it to 544 issues, spanning a long list of writers that read like the lead singers in famous bands that tried to do solo albums. It hasn't always been the premier X-men book. Hell, it wasn't until four years ago that it actually became the main focal point of the X-men universe. Matt Fraction helped make it relevant again after Joss Whedon's Astonishing X-men run nearly monopolized all the awesome (and numerous characters) in the series. Then Kieron Gillen took over and solidified the title as the top X-book where all the most important shit went down. That lasted barely a few months because recently, the X-men were bitterly divided by the events of Schism. That created a new lead X-book humbly titled, Wolverine and the X-men. Gee, I wonder what it's about? This moment marked a big change for Uncanny and in yet another gimmick to keep up with DC's new 52, Marvel is ending Uncanny X-men's iconic run and relaunching it along with Wolverine and the X-men. It's not sad as much as it is a WTF type moment, but since relaunching is the trend these days why not milk that tit until it's dry?

Uncanny X-men hasn't played a role in the events of Schism. While that event was going on, Uncanny was mixing it up with the events of Fear Itself. That story ended just as Schism ended. Now Uncanny X-men #544 acts as an epilogue for both. Yet it also has to be an epilogue for the whole fucking series. This book that's been around since my parents were still smoking weed in hippie communes has had a lot of shit happen over the years. Teams have been reshuffled, people have died, come back, died again, come back again, died a few more times, and somewhere along the way the X-men saved the world. How do you end all of that in a fulfilling way? Well, it's as impossible a task you can ask for without trying to jerk off to nude photos of Janet Reno. But Kieron Gillen has proven himself to be an awesome writer so if anyone deserves a snowball's chance in hell against a blow-torch wielding Freddy Kruger, it's him.

This epilogue to this epic series begins from the point of view of a guy who has done more to fuck with the X-men than 26 Chris Claremonts and 34 Grant Morrisons. Mr. Sinister has been MIA for a while, but he's been rearing his ugly ass head in other forms. He showed up in X-23 and he played a major role in Messiah Complex. This guy gets over death like regular people get over hang-nails. Like those creepy narrators from those old horror shows in the 80s, he reads from a book that essentially summarizes who the X-men are and the events of Schism. Granted, it's an extremely bare-bones version, but Sinister isn't a patient guy and neither are most comic readers. He just sets the tone and that tone is creepy as hell.

It's not all doom, gloom, and Linkin Park songs. The events of this issue appear to take place before the very end of X-men Schism #5 before the team leaves. Or they don't. Seriously, I don't get how the fuck time works in the Marvel universe, but it's more fucked up than a hit of LSD and concussion. Whatever the time, Iceman catches up with Cyclops. He's pretty much the only one left in the Original Five that isn't dead, MIA, or a complete douche. Iceman, Ringo Star of the Original Five, confides that he's reluctant to leave behind his friend. He's actually still fond of the days when they were the Original Five. It was a simpler time before the Phoenix Force, Wolverine, X-Force, and the Chuck Austin run. And it's worth pointing out to Cyclops that it's worth remembering fondly. He's not wrong.

When Iceman goes so far as to ask Cyclops if he remembers everything, it's not enough to just say yes. Artist, Greg Land, has to use this as an opportunity to whip his artistic dick out and wave it in the face of the readers. And I'm not afraid admit in an ambiguously gay manner that it looks so awesome. How the fuck do you condense nearly 50 years of comics in a single 2-page spread? It sounds even harder than squeezing nearly 50 years of history into an epilogue issue like this. Yet Greg Land does a damn good job with it. In one image he captures the moments that stand out most. Dark Phoenix is of course front and center. The Sentinels, Magneto, Apocalypse, Emma Frost, and of course Wolverine all show up. It's like a snapshot inside Cyclops's mind that helps capture so much of the X-men's history. It doesn't capture everything, but it captures so much of what matters. Moreover, Cyclops doesn't dwell on it for long. He says outright that he's not keen on the past anymore. He's focusing on the future. Iceman doesn't like it, but then again he's never been the most mature member of the X-men. This scene and the image explains why quite nicely.

Now there's no narration here or any real rhythm to this image. It's basically just Cyclops remembering all the important moments of his life. What makes it all the more remarkable is that it actually flows with how the conversation with Cyclops and Iceman progresses. It doesn't just come out of nowhere. For an image like this, Gillen and Land could have just forced it in and let the pretty pictures captivate the stoned readers and it probably would have worked. But there's substance behind it and in an issue that's trying to end a 544 issue run, that's pretty damn important.

We then go from a visually stunning trip down memory lane to the kind of creepiness that would your skin crawl and your dick retreat into your stomach. For some reason Sinister sees fit to randomly incinerate his flesh in some blast chamber and then be reborn out of what looks like an inside out vagina. It's sickeningly disgusting, plus Sinister comes out naked looking like he just took an amazingly shit. On top of that he's talking to this odd red light as he's essentially narrating his little exploration of the X-men. It's not clear what this is. Hell, he could just be high because I know I've seen lights like that during many a fun trips. They're usually accompanied by lizard people and girls with six breasts, but I guess Sinister just has shittier weed.

While the readers are taking some time to finish throwing up, Sinister essentially lays out where the X-men stand. He describes what Cyclops is doing on Utopia and what Wolverine is doing in Westchester, probably sounding completely sarcastic every step of the way. He then goes over some of the characters and which sides they chose. He doesn't go over everyone, just the major names. He also revisits the Summers/Grey bloodline that's always captivated him. Again, it's basically past reminders for those who got too high and forgot some of the details of Schism. But it's not a complete refresher. He still moves the story along, albeit still being incredibly creepy about it.

One of the names he brings up is Beast. Now if you'll recall, Beast and Cyclops aren't on speaking terms. In fact, I'm pretty sure they've unfriended one another on Facebook. Beast only shows up now to be a complete dick to Cyclops. Now I try to be balanced here. I get there are two sides to every story and Beast has some legitimate reasons for being upset with Cyclops. He kept X-Force from him. He put people in danger. But Beast just finds a way to be a complete asshole about it. He calls Cyclops out, saying that all those hard decisions he make don't end up with him in torture chambers. Well of course they don't, idiot! Hell, most don't end up in torture chambers last I checked! The mutant race fucking survived because of him. It came at a price. Nothing worth having is for free and I refuse to believe that someone as brilliant as Hank McCoy doesn't understand this.

Now I know I'm being harsh towards Beast, but there's just no excuse for being such a massive dick. For one, Cyclops is hardly a tyrant as a leader. He doesn't demand worship or censor criticism. When word got out about X-Force, he fucking ended it. He honed up like a real man should. And what did Beast do? He pissed and he moaned! That's it. He didn't offer any alternatives. He didn't propose any plans of his own. He never at any point put himself in a position to make those hard decisions. All he did was fucking whine. While this issue may glorify the Original Five, Beast still comes off as a complete dick.

As the X-jet leaves like it did at the end of Schism, Sinister takes over again with the narration. He shows that he knows Cyclops pretty damn well because he predicts that he'll do something to help lay the whole Schism affair to rest. And he does. He goes to a room in Utopia that contains all the pictures that show past X-men and he starts taking them down. But Sinister seems unusually gleeful about it, only adding to his creepiness factor. He essentially reviews the entire experience of the X-men and interprets it as a simple data set. It's a dick thing to do, but it's Sinister. You can't expect anything less. He considers the X-men over, which means he's in a position to do a whole new range of dick moves. It may be a dark time for the X-men, but it's a golden era for creepy pasty-faced psychopaths.

So Sinister finishing narrating. We're left with Cyclops and the pictures. He's clearing the walls, putting them in a box along with all the symbolism that goes along with it. Emma shows up along the way because we all know Greg Land never passes up a chance to draw Emma Frost in an obscenely pornographic manner. But she through the power of her pussy is able to get Cyclops to put some words into what he's doing. He clearly feels shitty after Schism, but he makes one thing clear. He's not going back to school or playing the part of a student anymore. He's his own man. If Beast and Iceman want to go back to that, they can do so. That's not his world anymore. He's graduated and that in many ways is the most powerful means of ending Uncanny X-men. Cyclops was the first X-man. He's been with the series since issue one and now he's evolved beyond his role from those early days and become his own man. So when he puts a picture of the Original Five in a box and seals it away, it has meaning to it and that meaning is abundantly clear. This era of Uncanny X-men is over. The bender has passed. The hangover has ended. Now a new bender is set to begin!

Now let us pause for a moment to reflect on what we have just witnessed. Uncanny X-men (at least this run) is over. 544 issues that helped shape the world of comics and set new standards of awesome is now over. I'm not going to pretend to burst out in tears and break empty vodka bottles over my head. This book is getting relaunched in a month. Yet still, this issue is written as if there will be no more Uncanny X-men after the ending. It feels like an ending. It's not just the epilogue to an important arc like Schism. It's the end of a major era in X-men. For a long time there have been major themes within the pages of Uncanny. Some of those themes are still there, but some have drastically changed. What the Original Five started back when most of us were seeds in our father's scrotum has ended and a new kind of X-men has begun.

But enough with the poetic bullshit. This is still a review so how do you rank a book like Uncanny X-men #544? Well if you ignore the issue number, it's a solid epilogue of recent events. Using Sinister to clear the air after all the recent shit that's unfolded was a nice angle because it provides a unique perspective. Sinister had no role in Fear Itself or Schism. He's basically an objective observer. Granted, he's still crazier than a hoard of drunk ferrets, but you can be crazy and objective (so long as you're not working for Fox News). In addition we get some nice input from key members of the Original Five. Angel and Jean aren't there, but the transition is clear. Cyclops is not a student anymore and Beast is just a big, furry dick. The conversations, the musings, and the themes were all masterfully done. Kieron Gillen captured the emotions and the themes of this moment in all the right ways. For that, I can safely say this comic is awesome even if you don't ignore the circumstances surrounding it.

There's still a problem with the whole finality of this issue. Even though Uncanny is ending, this feels more like an end to Schism than it does to Uncanny. I get that trying to condense the stories and themes of nearly 50 years of comics is like trying to summarize Moby Dick in the form of a Haiku. It can't be done, but it doesn't feel as though enough of an effort was made to do so. But I really can't hold that shit against this issue because it still felt complete in the end. Since Uncanny is relaunching, there's really no need to grieve or lament. It's just a transition to a new era and this comic does that masterfully. For that, I give Uncanny X-men #544 a fitting 5 out of 5. If you're going to end a series that's outlived Michael Jackson, disco, and Marlon Brando's movie career then this is how you want to do it. Now I'm ready for the relaunch! For this I raise my bottle of Jack Daniels and lay out a fat line of blow. Thanks a ton for all the good memories Uncanny X-men! Now joint he fucking 21st century, go day-and-date digital, and start kicking ass for a whole new generation! Nuff said.

X-men #12 - Retroactive and Proactive Awesome

After reading a book like Giant Sized X-men #1 my expectations for the next part are well...giant so to speak. The story that Chris Yost started in Giant Sized X-men was special and not just because he told a great story in the present. He was able to tell an equally great story in the past with the Original Five. That's like juggling knives, giving Joan Rivers a face lift, and teaching Sarah Palin advanced calculus. It was a story that could have easily been two separate comics, one in the present and one in the Original Five era. It probably would have been decent, but it wouldn't have been nearly as awesome. Mixing the past and the present in a story is difficult enough. Mixing it with the X-men's history, which is more convoluted than Apple's user agreements, is cock-smashingly hard.

Giant Sized X-men #1 was not a stand-alone issue. It was set up to continue in the adjectiveless X-men series. Now I'm glad Marvel is doing this because for a while this X-men series had been so underwhelming that it might as well have come with a free sample of Ambient. X-men #11 was a nice shift. I reviewed the issue and wasn't completely put to sleep as a result. Chris Yost is giving Victor Gischler a breather, which seems overdue. He's continuing the story with the Evolutionaries in X-men #12. So for the first time since the early parts of Curse of the Mutants (before it crashed and burned) I was excited about this series. Between this and Fear Itself, I needed a boat-load of heroine to keep me calm.

Before anyone picks up this issue, go out and get Giant Sized X-men #1. Not that it's completely necessary to read this issue, but that comic was so good that to read this without reading the comic that came before it is worthy of more shame than all the bestiality in Tijuana. That comic introduced the Evolutionaries, a group of badass looking super-beings who see fit to judge an entire species as it evolves. It's like American Idol with Charles Darwin as the judge. If your species is deemed stagnant, you get voted off and that usually involves a touch of genocide. So it's only slightly worse than being scorned by Simon Cowell. The Neo attacked the X-men in the present and found this out the hard way. In the past, the Evolutionaries showed up to the Original Five and tried to do the same to homo sapians. It obviously didn't work. Jean Grey of all people did something to prevent it. Now the Evolutionaries are back and they're looking to correct their mistake.

X-men #11 starts out in the past. The very distant past before the Original Five were proplasm floating around in their parents' loins. In the caveman era that the Texas School Board refuses to acknowledge, an oddly dressed group of super-beings are overlooking the newly evolved homo sapians. It's not clear if these are the same Evolutionaries, but they sure as hell act like them. They act like the Celestials int that they're playing the role of ultimate judge. If a species doesn't evolve, they're fucked. It's evolution 101 with tacky costumes.

Flash forward to the future, which happens to be the past in the context of the comics. By the way, if your head starts hurting when trying to make sense of time in Marvel comics don't worry. That's normal. A line of blow usually does the trick (sorry, but aspirin just doesn't cut it). Charles Xavier tries to reason with the Evolutionaries while the original five, who are still immature teenagers at this point, resist the urge to impersonate John Rambo. Xavier gives the Evolutionaries his peaceful approach. Humans are dicks at times, but he prefers to co-exist with them rather than wipe them out. It seems so reasonable, but the Evolutionaries deem that counter-productive to their survival.

Now the rest of the team isn't in the mood to moderate a debate. The Evolutionaries want to kill all humans and that doesn't sit well because some like Bobby and Warren still have parents. And as it just so happens, their parents are human. So as you can imagine, they're not going to be nearly as reasonable. Bobby being the youngest decides to be the most immature as is often his role. He tries to attack the Evolutionaries head on. He might as well be hammering a nail with a feather. The Evolutionaries are about as thrilled as Donald Trump in line at the DMV.

Yet to their credit, they don't turn on the X-men. Remember, they're trying to help the mutant race. They make that clear even as the rest of the team joins the battle. Remember, this is the First Class. They're not quite used to dealing with cosmic threats just yet. This is pre-Phoenix Jean. Beast and Angel get into the act. Cyclops takes a few shots as well. The Evolutionaries take it like cross between Chuck Norris and Ghandi. They don't fight back, but they do make it clear they're no punching bags. At one point they knock Beast and Angel back, but they don't play too rough. They make it clear they could kill them all while casually yawning and humming the opening theme to House. But they don't.

This is part of what makes the Evolutionaries so compelling. They're not some dangerous force seeking outright destruction. They genuinely believe they're helping the mutant race. The X-men attacking them is an inconvenience that they could easily brush aside, but they don't. A cosmic power in comics usually looks down at humans the same way a kid looks down at ants. Their motives here are different and intriguing. It puts a different twist on this fight.

Eventually, it's Xavier who stops the X-men's attack, which by the way is taking place completely inside his study. If you missed it, you're not high. It's just disorienting. The background kind of fades into that bullet time that you see in animes. When the Evolutionaries figure out that Charles Xavier doesn't speak for all mutant kind, they decide that talking to him isn't a productive use of their time. So they leave. Xavier tries to plead with them, but they don't listen. He might as well be trying to teach modesty to Kim Jong Ill. So when they leave, the X-men are left scratching their heads. But Xavier being the world's greatest psychic at that time (again, it's pre-Phoenix Jean) knows what they're up to. They need to find the leader of all mutant kind.

Before he can clarify, the story goes back to the present on Utopia. Here, the Evolutionaries remind Cyclops how many times humanity and even other mutants have tried to fuck the mutant race. They mention the sentinels, the Legacy Virus, and House of M. They're not entirely wrong in saying that mutants have screwed the pooch to the point where the pooch is utterly traumatized and begging to be put down. However, Cyclops still points out that they're alive and the mutant race is no longer doomed to extinction. He continues to tell everyone to not attack. This doesn't go over well, even with Bobby and Angel. Emma is exceptionally pissed even though she has no right to be.

As an aside, it's worth pointing out that Emma chides Cyclops for keeping secrets about the Evolutionaries. Never mind the fact that he didn't remember up to this point, but in one of the most recent arcs in Uncanny she was doing the exact same thing. She kept a pretty nasty secret about Sebastian Shaw and flat out lied to him about how she handled it. This comes after Cyclops came clean about X-Force. She's a complete hypocrite here. I'm not sure if Chris Yost read those issues of Uncanny, but it makes Emma look more a bimbo than just a bitch.

Cyclops basically delivers a blanket order via the telepaths. No one is to attack the Evolutonaries. He basically tries to do what Charles Xavier did in the past. He tries to reason with them that human kind need not go the way Windows phones. Seeing as how Xavier couldn't reason with these guys, it really isn't all that surprising that Cyclops doesn't succeed. Keep in mind, the Evolutionaries were deceived. They're a bit more pissed now than they were during the First Class days. So when Cyclops fails to make a decent argument, they counter his argument with their first real attack. Lucky for Cyclops, Wolverine of all people pushes him out of the way. Now Wolverine could have let Cyclops die, which would mean he would have Jean all to himself when she comes back from the dead. But he didn't. That's why Wolverine is awesome despite being a prick at times.

Once the Evolutionaries start firing, shit gets real. They ditch the passive aggressive approach from the First Class era and adopt the Bush Doctrine. They go from gentle blue to burning orange. The X-men get Cyclops out of the way so he can't issue any more hippie commands. Sparks start flying. Shit starts blowing up and it looks pretty fucking sweet. Seeing as how Emma Frost gave the order and she's banging the leader, everyone listens to her. It's not logical, but it shows you the power of a hot chick with big boobs.

Cyclops makes it clear that he respectfully disagrees with Emma in a way that may or may not make his dick hate him until the end of time. While the rest of the team is fighting off the Evolutionaries, Arcangel flies him back to his girlfriend before she becomes too drunk with power. She tries to get Pixie to teleport him away. Then he reminds her that he's the one with the working memory here. He knows a bit more about this than anyone else. He says once again in a way that will prevent Emma from sewing her legs shut forever that they need to get a certain him away from Utopia. But who could that him be?

The answer to this question like most everything in the Karate Kid movies is found in the past. Remember that spokesmen for all of mutant kind that the Evolutionaries asked for and didn't get? Much like a quality service at a Best Buy during a shift change? Well they found another after Xavier proved uncooperative. They figure this one is a lot more open to the idea of wiping out humanity. It's Magneto and his old school Brotherhood of Mutants. He has the attention of the Evolutionaries. They might as well be Santa Clause to him because if he's even remotely interested in being a bigger prick, the Evolutionaries would be more than happy to oblige. It's a great way to end the issue and it raises the stakes for the next issue.

So the story unfolds, asses are kicked in both the present and past, and the mystery deepens at the end. It sets the stage for an interesting conflict between the past and present. In the past Magneto was an enemy, an unrepentant douche-bag who wanted nothing more than to see humanity wither away like a bad case of crabs. In the present, he's not quite as big a douche-bag. He's still not the friendliest guy to be around, but he's on the side of the X-men. He actually takes orders from Cyclops when in the past he wouldn't take an order from Taco Bell. If he's supposed to speak for mutant kind, then both humans and mutants are in more trouble than a million-dollar sports car on the set of a Michael Bay movie.

There's a lot of quality awesome in both the present and past with this book. It doesn't feel like it's on the same scale as Giant Sized X-men #1, but it still feels like a great comic injected with whatever steroids are keeping Sylvester Stallone ripped. The mystery surrounding the Evolutionaries is a great plot and Chris Yost developed it very well. I can't find too many flaws without really nit-picking. The only caveat some readers may have is that the fight between the Original Five and the Evolutionaries took place completely within Xavier's office. There wasn't as much action, or at least that's how it seemed when compared to the fight in the present. It was still plenty epic and it's no reason to dock any points from this book.

There's no way around it. X-men #11 and Giant Size X-men #1 are great books that compliment each other perfectly. They still have that amazing two stories for the price of one deal. One is in the present and one is in the past. Both work perfectly in unison. They offer just the right insight and progression. It's a tough balancing act for any book to follow and by succeeding, this book more than earns a 5 out of 5. It's quite possibly the best book in the new adjectiveless X-men series yet. Given how underwhelming the last few stories have been, I'll go so far to say as this book has raised the bar. Since there is more story left to tell, there's a chance it could be raised again with the next issue. Nuff said!