Uncanny X-Force #33 - Choosing the Side of Awesome

When you're a complete and utter asshole with a history of heavy drinking and trying to stick your dick in married women, you're bound to have a problem finding people you can trust. Even the biggest Wolverine fans in the world have to admit that he's a colossal douche-bag on some levels and most sane people probably wouldn't trust him to look after their cat, let alone trust him to lead a team. But that's exactly what he tasked himself with doing in Uncanny X-Force after Cyclops made it a point to disband X-Force after the events of Second Coming.

The result has been a team that has the kind of leadership that you only see when you give five stoners an unlimited supply of crystal meth, assault rifles, and bullets. But in many ways Wolverine's ineptitude as a leader has been what makes Uncanny X-Force such an epic source of awesome. Rick Remender seems to understand that Wolverine is the guy you send to stab shit and de-virginize naive women with animal fetishes. He's not the guy you want to lead a team because at some point someone is going to remember that he's a douche and turn on him.

That's exactly what happen in Uncanny X-Force #32. Wolverine is best to lead X-Force against a new Brotherhood of Mutants that's hell bent on turning their kill-first-spit-on-the-corpose-and-never-ask-questions approach against them. They already went to great lengths to abduct Genesis and expose all the bullshit lies he was fed by Fantomex which he ripped off from the first three seasons of Smallville. They survived a big ass explosion when the Brotherhood first attempted to screw them over. It seemed like they had the upper hand in locating the Brotherhood, tricking Mystique, and extracting the necessary resources from her in a completely non-sexual way. However, that meant putting her in the same room as her alternate reality son, Nightcrawler, who is dead in her world. Given that AOA Nightcrawler has come from a universe where Wolverine takes a giant shit on all that he holds dear, it doesn't take much convincing by Mystique to have AOA Nightcrawler screw Wolverine over.

Uncanny X-Force #33 has Wolverine dealing with the direct ramifications of AOA Nightcrawler's betrayal. After being knocked out, Wolverine has a rather disturbing dream. We know it's a dream because he's naked and giant heads are chasing him. In my nightmares I'm usually naked too, but I'm usually being chased by parole officers and ex-girlfriends. So it's only remotely as terrifying for Wolverine, even as he sees Cyclops take Genesis and throw him off a cliff after pointing out how much he's fucked over the world. He also has that snide grin that says "I fucked Jean Grey and you didn't" so I'm sure that can't help Wolverine's condition.

When Wolverine wakes up, he's confronted with a site that's just as horrifying as running naked from a giant mountain monster. I'm, of course, referring to his bastard pan-sexual son who takes the if-it-has-a-hole-I'll-fuck-it philosophy to the nth degree. But unlike their previous encounters, it's not dominated by a bloody brawl with a few romps a gay bar in between. Instead, it's just Wolverine tied to a chair while Daken gets drunk and calls his father out for basically being a dick father and a hypocrite. Now it's hard to call Wolverine a lousy father when he clearly didn't know about Daken until his bleached metro-sexual ass attacked him in the pages of Wolverine Origins. But oddly enough, Daken actually makes a valid point. I'll give readers a moment to digest that and throw up in the nearest trash can if necessary.

Back? Well here's what Daken so drunkingly points out. Wolverine is a born and bred killer. Killing is in his nature almost as much as trying to put his penis in married redheaded women. Yet he tries to be a hero. Then he forms teams like X-Force which essentially tries to mix killing with heroics and Daken points out that shit just doesn't make sense. And he's completely right. Unlike his dad, Daken embraces the killer role. He believes that his father is a dick and hypocrite for pretending otherwise. He also points out how he had to be a killer to survive the shitty life he was stuck with as a result of Wolverine being a deadbeat dad. It's a provocative conversation and for once Daken keeps his pants on. The only problem with it is that it's a little drawn out. It's good melodrama, but it kind of drags while other more gruesome shit is going on.

One such gruesome shit is Deadpool getting his ass kicked by a member of the Omega Clan. He doesn't have his healing anymore so he's not in a position to keep going against a brain-washed bitch that thinks he decapitated her mother (no, that's not colorful drunken metaphor because that's what she claims he did even though it's clearly the result of brainwashing). All the while, Deadpool is trying to urge Genesis to overlook the minor bit about his whole life being a lie that Fantomex ripped off from the Superman comics. The Brotherhood wants him to become the kind of twisted killer that would torture the X-men for shits and giggles and they've given him plenty of reason to do so. But Genesis, to his credit, hasn't made the Apocalyptic choice everyone is expecting...yet. He better make it soon though because Deadpool is starting to look like Rocky Balboa after ten rounds with Ivan Drago on meth.

Deadpool isn't the only one on the losing end of a battle against the new Brotherhood. In the previous issue, Psylocke attempted to take on Shadowking so at least X-Force wouldn't have to worry about being mind-raped into thinking evil rabbits were chewing on their eyeballs. For a time, anyways, she managed to hold her own in a psychic battle on the astral plane that looks like it was ripped from a Michael Bay and Peter Jackson movie. Psylocke offers some interesting narration, describing the battle as something that feels like it has been going on for decades. Think Israelis and Palestinians armed with unlimited weapons and LSD. But even though Psylocke's telepathy got an upgrade in the Dark Angel Saga, Shadowking is still a telepath that used to go toe-to-toe with Charles Xavier. And since he got his ass killed in Avengers vs. X-men, Psylocke is overmatched and she ends up getting the psychic equivalent of an uppercut by a steroid-abusing Mike Tyson.

But not every battle is going poorly for X-Force. What about the guy who was foolish enough to listen to his psychotic mother and betray Wolverine? AOA Nightcrawler is very different from his 616 counterpart in one key area. That is he really isn't into the whole compassion and forgiveness bullshit. In Age of Apocalypse, Wolverine became the new Apocalypse and Blob horribly maimed people he loved. 616 Nightcrawler may have only been pissed. But AOA Nightcrawler throws some Charlie Sheen style crazy into the mix and teleports a fucking shark right into Bolb's stomach and has it eat him alive. No, I didn't get a bad batch of shrooms this week (although I noticed some elves watching me type this). That shit actually happens.

It's a much more gruesome and ball-bustingly awesome moment compared to the other fights. While every Uncanny X-Force battle tends to borrow elements from slasher movies, Remender tends to add a little something extra. The battles with Psylocke and Deadpool weren't really that spectacular and pretty much glossed over. But a battle that involves someone being eaten alive by a shark from the inside is the kind of shit that sticks with you and haunts your nightmares when you're not dreaming of your first day of high school. Every issue of Uncanny X-Force has one particular moment that tattoos itself into your memory banks. This is definitely one of them.

After such a creatively sadistic means of torture, it's almost a let-down when Daken reveals his plan to finally resolve his daddy issues. He allows Genesis to take a break from seeing Deadpool get the shit beat out of him so he can watch him kill his father. How does he plan to do that? Some elaborately grotesque method that somehow overpowers his healing factor? Fuck no, he just decides to drown him. The man will come up with some amazingly perverse ways to fuck someone, but he's not nearly as imaginative when it comes to killing. Go figure. But while he's watching his father die, he also further pushes Genesis to embracing his Apocalypse persona. He kicks the kid's ass, telling him that if he wants to save Wolverine then he'll have to become Apocalypse. It's a pretty cruel thing to do to a kid, but given the cruel things Daken probably does to his lovers I doubt it's all that excessive by his standards.

Eventually, he beats him so bad that he looks dead. So one of the Omega Clan brings him back to the site of Deadpool's ass-kicking so Daken can masturbate to his father's death in peace. But Genesis reveals that he's not dead and he's sick of being a weak little bitch. He understands that he's not going to help anybody (or screw anyone over for that matter) by being such a pussy. He needs to stop being clumsy Clark Kent and start being fucking Superman. But for him that means dawning his Apocalypse armor and going on a Celestial-powered rampage against everyone that's been fucking with him. It makes for some spectacular visuals and an asshole clenching conclusion.

When two sides try to screw each other over only to end up screwing themselves, I not only find that ridiculously ironic. I think it's incredibly entertaining as well. It doesn't always end with someone getting their insides eaten by a fucking shark, but it tends to be just as bloody and just as entertaining. That's one of the many unique traits of awesome that Rick Remender has established in Uncanny X-Force. Every side, the good guys and the bad guys, usually find a way to fuck up on their own accord while trying to fuck with others. It makes for great drama, great character moments, and great scenes that involve more blood and guts than toilet at a bulimia convention. For the past few issues X-Force and the Brotherhood have exchanged low blows, cheap shots, and probably a few yo-mamma's-so-fat-jokes. Now it's starting to catch up with them. Genesis is about ready to skip the rest of the bible and become Apocalypse. Even though the outcome was indirectly spoiled by teasers of future issues of Wolverine and the X-men, it's still tantalizing to contemplate how this is going to fuck up both X-Force and the Brotherhood.

This issue did a great job of devolving the conflict into a glorious state of controlled chaos. However, it was an unbalanced process at times. Too much time was focused on Wolverine and Daken trying to have a father/son moment in the midst of really bad blood and alcohol. They might as well try to pimp gay prostitutes outside a Mormon temple. Meanwhile, other ongoing battles like the struggle with Psylocke and Shadowking are underplayed while the mother/son moments for Mystique and AOA Nightcrawler aren't even touched on. Usually, Remender does a great job of covering every angle of a series. In this issue you get the sense that he just ran out of ink and wasted too damn much of it on Daken and Wolverine.

The issue is still worth picking up and waiting in line naked in the middle of winter to do so, if for no other reason than to see a shark eat Blob from the inside out. The gruesome shock value and moments of melodrama are part of what has made Uncanny X-Force a key source of awesome since its inception. Now with only two issues left, Remender is poised to put a cap on his ball-bustingly awesome run. This issue didn't have the usual cohesiveness or balance that we've come to expect with previous issues, but it's still pretty fucking awesome and future issues promise Daken getting his ass reamed in ways that won't give him a boner. For that, I give Uncanny X-Force a 4 out of 5. Uncanny X-Force has a very simple formula. Give readers a reason to smile and lose their lunch at the same time. This is just the latest issue that succeeds in that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a toilet to clean. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5 - Unchanging Awesome

Getting comic book fans to agree on anything to a large degree is a lot like trying to teach evolution to Pat Roberson. You're bound to get obscenely frustrated and probably make yourself dumber in the process. But every now and then, something does unite a certain segment of comic book fans in a way you won't get outside a group of PETA supporters trying to rescue a crate of baby seals from underneath an overturned truck. Avengers vs. X-men did a lot to pit comic fans against one another. Hell, I'm convinced that if Marvel could find a way to force fans into covering their bodies in peanut butter and fighting live bears in an arena in addition to buying their comics, I'm sure they would do it. But in the end that division led to a few profound realizations amidst the terrible storytelling that no sober mind could possibly conjure. It led us all to realize that Cyclops is the man with the plan and while may be a douche that gets to regularly put his penis into the hottest telepaths in comics, he's often vindicated in the long run.

This has given rise to the whole Cyclops was right movement. Sure, the Avengers came out of Avengers vs. X-men smelling like the Virgin Mary's vagina, but that doesn't change the inescapable fact that they were dead wrong and epic dumbasses over the course of the fight. If they had their way, the Phoenix Force would have torched the whole planet (see X-Sanction if you think that's just the bias conclusion of an admitted drunk) and the entire mutant species would have been doomed. They would either have had to spend the rest of their lives sucking Cyclops's dick to apologize or just shrug their shoulders and act like even bigger assholes. But despite all the bullshit that transpired in Avengers vs. X-men, most of which the Avengers were directly responsible for, Cyclops was right about the Phoenix kick starting the mutant race. And what was his reward? He got thrown in fucking jail. That and killed Professor Xavier by accident, but fuck if that guy wasn't asking for it by taking on the Phoenix all by himself and doing everything possible to piss it off.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences follows Cyclops and the rest of the Marvel universe as they recover, but mostly it focuses on how much Cyclops's life in prison sucks ass. In the past four issues we've seen various major players in Avengers vs. X-men make sense of this new world where mutants aren't endangered and Cyclops is a criminal for being right. At times, it's been somewhat narrow. Hell, for most of this series, you could just call it, "The shit that happens to Cyclops and the team he used to save the fucking world." I get that it's probably too much to ask to cover every corner of the Marvel universe in the aftermath of a big event in just a five-issue mini, but this mini took a critical turn at the end of the last issue.

From the beginning of this little aftermath series, Cyclops has been committed to taking full responsibility for his actions. He's allowed himself to be imprisoned, despite getting some secret help from Agent Brand at SWORD and a still at-large Magneto. He's prepared to spend the rest of his days protecting the integrity of his asshole, playing the part of a martyr for the mutant race and requesting that he be buried face down in his grave so the Avengers (and Wolverine) can kiss his ass. But then in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4, a very dramatic event prompted him to say, "Fuck this! There's still work to be done and my asshole isn't going to get any less vulnerable!" A newly manifested mutant, who happened to be a prisoner that Cyclops befriended, was murdered right in front of him and the guards at the prison handled it with the same urgency as Rush Limbaugh has to losing weight. Even though mutants are back from extinction, they're in a world that's determined to shank them and piss on their corpses for shits and giggles. And he just can't have that.

Avengers vs. Consequences #5, the final issue of this mini, begins with Magneto preparing to comply with the order given to him by Cyclops at the end of the previous issue. Breaking him out of jail at a time when the Avengers are supremely pissed off at him is tricky, but Magneto has just the right tools for the job and one of those tools has great tits. Danger, who was essentially relieved of her duty as prison guard on Utopia by Unit has decided to help out along with Magik, who most likely just got bored fucking with Colossus and Storm. It's their job to get Cyclops out before the Avengers and X-men team up again and reinforce each others' douche-baggery. In the Marvel universe, we call this kind of shit every other Tuesday.

Something else that happens every other Thursday is Hope Summers being an annoying little brat. I know I seem to dedicate a good chunk of my blog and a good bit of my stash of blow towards describing all the ways in which Hope is a useless Jean Grey rip-off that deserves to be utterly nullified from existence, but it's a point worth reinforcing. After deciding in the first issue of Consequences that she wanted to give a normal life a change, she once again said "Fuck it, I'm going back on that shit" in the same way she went back on the X-men when they tried to protect her ass in Avengers vs. X-men. The Avengers catch up with her, who now know that whenever Hope is left to her own devices really bad shit happens. They find out she's been looking for Cable and finding new ways to make herself come off as a bitch. Because with her there's never enough. Not much is really said here other than the Avengers are worried and they had to go to great lengths to find her. Like Hope Summers herself, this development is useless until the Avengers get word there's a prison riot going on and it doesn't involve a fucking hunger strike.

Knowing that the Avengers are probably not too keen on letting Cyclops escape, Magneto and what's left of the Extinction Team descend on the prison with the subtlety of monster truck being driven by Lindsey Lohan. Armed with Magik's teleportation powers and her Facebook friends in Limbo, she tears some holes in that prison that no sodomy joke could ever appropriately describe. It's not very flashy. Hell, they don't really break a sweat. They might as well be twiddling their thumbs and playing Angry Birds while Magik's buddies do all the work while Cyclops waits patiently for his ride.

He doesn't have to wait for very long either. He's as calm as Tom Brady in an orgy of supermodels as Magneto busts down a few walls and Danger frees him of that ridiculous helmet he's been forced to wear. There's not much in terms of resistance. We're left to assume the underpaid prison guards just started shitting themselves and ran or were so ill-equipped to handle the attack that they Magik just took them out while Magneto was waving his dick in their faces. Again, it's not very flashy and not very detailed. The focus is on freeing Cyclops, but it's not enough to just get him out of jail. Cyclops, having adopted this new fuck-the-world-and-my-old-boy-scout-image mentality, has to make a statement first.

The last issue left a significant impact on Cyclops. After finding out that one of his fellow prisoners was a mutant, befriending him, and watching him get murdered in front of his eyes, he decided that shit just can't stand. Now armed with a career supervillain, a killer robot AI with tits, and a crazy teenage mutant girl who had her soul gang-banged in Limbo he's in a position to do the very un-Christian thing and get back. He starts by taking the prisoners responsible for the mutant's death and letting Magik send them on an all-expense-paid trip to Limbo where their assholes will be ravaged in ways that no prison will ever match. Then he addresses the warden who was profiting from this shitty excuse for a prison and jerking off while mutants were murdered. He doesn't kill him. He just makes it clear that he's not going to get away with shit like this unscathed.

Now stop for a moment and listen. Do you hear that? That's the sound of every Cyclops-hater taking to the internet and bitching about how he's the new Magneto and how he's now a villain. Well in this case there's not much ambiguity. Cyclops is carrying himself as the kind of guy that would have a beer with Magneto and not favor peaceful solutions to human/mutant conflict. But in this context, it makes sense because Cyclops just witnessed in the previous issue what a new generation of mutants is facing. There are a lot of crazy assholes out there who are more inclined to kill mutants rather than embrace them. And Xavier's old philosophy of peace just isn't going to work with them. While Cyclops is pretty badass, he's not very Cyclops-like. And maybe that's the point of this scene and this series as a whole. The events of Avengers vs. X-men have created a very different Cyclops. He's not Magneto, but he's not Xavier either. He's just a guy who has a big fucking problem with people who get boners from killing mutants.

The Avengers eventually do arrive on the scene, but like Bristol Palin after a camping trip with her boyfriend they're late. Not much happens here other than cleaning up the rubble and some light head-scratching as to why Cyclops would be inclined to escape after being so thoroughly screwed over by the events of Avengers vs. X-men. It's not very exciting, but it does play up the melodrama a bit more when Wolverine finds the warden. Apparently, Cyclops had him scarred with a badass X on the face that probably won't get him laid outside a biker bar. He also gave him a letter to give to Wolverine, which essentially said, "Fuck being the better man. That's your job now you Avenger-loving, wife-stealing, hard-drinking, excessively hairy midget. Someone needs to keep mutants from being killed and it sure as hell ain't going to be use. PS: I still got to fuck Jean Grey and you didn't. Just thought I would remind you." Cyclops's words might have been a little nicer, but I think that nicely sums it up.

The implications of Cyclops escaping and reforming the Extinction Team are pretty fucking big. What's not so big...Hope Summers whining about her daddy issues when her daddy has clearly stated that off is the general direction in which he wanted her to fuck for the time being. Well after she takes a breather from running around like a drunk monkey with a boner, Cable eventually finds her. Not much is said. Hell, not much is even implied. He just tells her that it's his job to look out for her and not the other way around. She should stop being a little bitch and listen to the people that care about her. But we all know that she's not going to do that.

I'm really not sure what the point of Hope's little non-journey was in Consequences. Once again, she says she's going to do something, but changes her mind as soon as she remembers that she doesn't give a damn about the people who sacrifice for her messianic ass. She finally meets up with Cable, but what the fuck does that do other than show she's more desperate for attention than Honey Boo Boo? Avengers vs. X-men gave me and many others a nearly infinite number of reasons to despite this pissant little brat. And this mini just adds to them. While it's already been announced that Hope will be featured in the new Cable and X-Force series, this scene really doesn't do shit to indicate or even tease what her role will be. And that's probably for the better because the sooner Hope can be in the line of fire of people who want her dead, the better.

A much more important precedent is set by Cyclops and his reformed Extinction Team now. We already know from the overly spoiled previews of All New X-men that Cyclops will be on the loose and giving his old friends at the Jean Grey Institute plenty of headaches. This issue and the final scene nicely demonstrate why. Now that mutants are no longer in danger, someone has to be the asshole that fights back against the people that would want to kill them. Cyclops is ready to be that asshole with Magneto and Magik by his side. Magneto claims everything is different after the shit that went down in Avengers vs. X-men. But Cyclops says otherwise. He just asks "What has changed?" I'm pretty sure the implied response is jack shit.

It's not an unreasonable question to ask. Really, what has changed? Did the Avengers accomplish anything by throwing his ass in prison and admitting that they were assholes for not paying more attention to all the ways mutants were getting fucked? Avengers vs. X-men, while being a wondrous source of bullshit and bile, did accomplish one important change that may or may not qualify as a change. It undid the Scarlet Witch's M-Day spell so that mutants could re-populate the Earth like the Duggers in heat. But is that really a change or is that just putting shit back to the way it was? I'm too drunk to get philosophical so I won't try to rationalize it. I'll only say that this comic and this glorious little mini-series served as a nice kick in the balls for the Marvel universe. It essentially reminded them that humans still hate mutants and will jump at the chance to fuck with them, regardless of what the Avengers try to do to placate them. Cyclops knows this and rather than putting his asshole at risk and staying in jail, he decides to skip the whole suck-the-ACLU's-dick-for-a-decent-lawyer part of the justice system and parole himself. It's not just badass. Hell, this shit is necessary in a Marvel universe with a fresh influx of mutants and an abundance of humans ready to shit themselves!

It's this kind of setup that helps make Avengers vs. X-men Consequences even better than Avengers vs. X-men itself. It actually fucking tries to make sense of the fucked up circumstances you find in a comic book world where people have superpowers and people who don't have superpowers act immeasurably stupid in response. It may not sound like much, but Kieron Gillen seemed to put more effort into five issues than anyone of Marvel's big guns did when they wrote Avengers vs. X-men. While I won't say that Gillen effectively cleaned the shit stains left on the Marvel universe left by the event, I will say he left it clean enough to take future stains if necessary.

While the end of this mini was immensely satisfying for those who wanted to see how Cyclops was going to react to being screwed over on a cosmic scale in Avengers vs. X-men, it wasn't very satisfying to anyone else. Hell, this whole series could have been called "Shit that happened to Cyclops" and it would have fit perfectly. Aside from the bullshit and utterly inconsequential side-plot with Hope Summers, this series really didn't cover much of anything. It lightly touched on the rest of the Extinction Team, but just barely. Hell, some were only in a few pages before being forgotten faster than Mitt Romney's tax returns. So while the series set the stage nicely for Cyclops's team in All New X-men, it didn't do much else.

It's that narrow focus that is the biggest weakness for this book. It was supposed to be the aftermath for Avengers vs. X-men as a whole and not just Cyclops. The shit the Avengers have to deal with was ignored or forgotten. The shit with the Jean Grey Institute was barely mentioned. Hell, this series was the comic book equivalent to tunnel vision and you didn't even need to huff an obscenely unsafe volume of laughing gas. While the narrow story it focuses on is very nicely done, it leaves a fuckton of unresolved issues that don't give this issue or this series the sense of a good aftermath comic. But for succeeding in a very important way while hitting just the right level of melodrama without getting too Twilight-ish, I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5 a 3.5 out of 5. Cyclops is free. His asshole is intact. He's given the finger to Wolverine and is supremely pissed off at the human race for not giving a fuck when innocent mutants are killed. Be afraid, human bigots and registered Tea Party members! Be very afraid! Nuff said!

New Uncanny X-men Teaser: All New Relaunch

Some comics you just know are going to get rebooted and relaunched because if Marvel is even semi-competent as a business, they know that we consumers are stupid enough to buy anything they slap a new #1 on. DC Comics proved this beyond all doubt with their New 52 relaunch. Marvel is preparing to do the same with Marvel NOW! albeit without the reboot part. So far, they've already announced numerous relaunches for books like Wolverine, Captain America, Fantastic Four, and Hulk. So is it really all that shocking when after ending Uncanny X-men a mere 20 issues after the last relaunch that they're inclined to do it again?

I already pointed out how the latest end of Uncanny X-men had about as much impact as a presidential endorsement by Snookie. And I've already posted numerous previews of the book that was supposed to replace it, All New X-men. But being all new just isn't enough for Marvel. They know that even without the brilliance of Kieron Gillen, Uncanny X-men is another source of income for their Disney overlords. So it wasn't too surprising when it was announced last week that Bendis would be writing another X-men book with a teaser so painfully obvious that it only could have been made more shocking if it was accompanied by a picture of Andy Dick's penis.

CBR: Marvel NOW! Teases Uncanny with Bendis and Bachalo

The reddish tint in the background is another telling hint that it's going to involve Cyclops. Not the teen boy scout Cyclops who yells "JEAN!!!" every other sentence. But the Cyclops who took on both the Avengers and the X-men, saved the mutant race, and willingly went to jail with his head held high because he was right all along. While he's still in jail in the pages of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences, we already know from other previews of All New X-men that he either gets paroled or pulls a Shawshank Redemption on the Avengers.

And by all accounts, his asshole is still intact.

Now this could still be a complete ruse and Marvel could just be fucking with us gullible fans. But that might just be too awesome for them. It may not even be called Uncanny X-men either. Hell, they could call this shit Uncanny Brotherhood for all we know, but as Marvel has shown with Uncanny Avengers the sales of a book can be supplemented greatly just by throwing the word Uncanny into the title. Is it shameless? Fuck yes. Do fans give a shit? Fuck no. Depending on how Consequences plays out and how All New X-men shapes up, it could go in many different directions. If Bendis is as competent as X-men fans all hope, then it'll be worth stocking up on booze and weed for! Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue #66: The Phoenix Saga Part 4 PREVIEW!

Halloween is over, but the horror is just getting warmed up in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series! The X-men Supreme Phoenix Saga continues to unfold, bringing to this fanfiction series a cosmic level threat the likes of which the X-men have never seen before. In the latest issue, the X-men were betrayed by one of their former teammates, Emma Frost. Now much of the team along with the ailing Jean Grey, who has been having ominous visions for a great deal of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope, have been abducted by the Inner Circle. Led by the likes of Sebastian Shaw and Selene, this mysterious group has already caused problems for the X-men. It was Sebastian Shaw who orchastrated the ill-fated incident in the Partners In Madness arc. Now their agenda and the devious extent to which they'll go to attain it will be revealed! The X-men Supreme Phoenix Saga is entering a volatile new stage and Phoenix fans and X-men fans of all stripes should enjoy the big moments to come! As such, I've prepared an extended preview of this action-packed issue of X-men Supreme.

“Errrrrr! Out of my way!” roared Wolverine.

“We got company! Begin emergency lockdown!” yelled one of the guards.

All nearby guards had little time to be shocked at the sight of a very angry-looking figure landing right on one of their comrades. Immediately, the five other guards convened on the path leading to the front door. Getting in low, they took aim with their weapons. However, the threat of gunfire did little to dissuade Wolverine. He kept charging face right into their line of fire.

“Shoot him! Shoot him! Take that creature down!” yelled one of the guards.

On that order, the guards and their reinforcements opened fire. The guards with the Uzis fired first, sending a shower of bullets towards the raging Wolverine. Now nearly lost in his berserker rage, he was slowed only briefly as a half dozen rounds ripped through his flesh. His determination and healing factor kept him going though and he leaped into the air above the line of fire and descended towards the platoon of guards with his claws drawn.

The guards watched with dread as they fell back while trying to redirect their weapons, but they weren’t fast enough. Wolverine landed right in the middle of their formation and went on a tear, stabbing two guards right in the chest and back kicking two more. One tried to hit him over the head with the butt of his gun, but Logan was able to counter with a spin moved followed by an arm grab. After a quick knee to the gut, the guard was down for the count.

“Is this the best you can do, Shaw?!” he yelled out with the body of six guards lying in his wake.

Almost immediately, he got his response. The front doors to the manor burst open and more guards stepped out. Only these guards were much more menacing. They were the same masked guards he saw with Shanobi in Panama and looked much more intent on bringing him down. They were also better armed. Each guard was wielding what appeared to be a night stick, only this one was glowing with intense blue sparks.

“This is as far as you go, animal!” one of the guards said, “Our orders are to terminate trespassers on sight!”

“Go ahead and try! I dare you!” spat Wolverine.

With another primal roar, the former living weapon charged the masked guards. This time, they were ready for him. The first ones managed to dodge his initial attacks and get in a quick blow with their energy sticks. When Logan felt them, it was like a huge shock to the system. Having metal bones sure didn’t help either. It was even worse than getting shot, but he couldn’t afford to be slowed down at this point. Ignoring the pain, he kept fighting.

Gritting his teeth, he slashed with his claws at the two masked guards that struck him. The first slash destroyed their energy sticks. The next severed an arm of one of the guards and an ensuing roundhouse kick took out the other. But there were still plenty of masked personnel to go through. While still stunned, they all surrounded him and began countering with an attack of their own. They didn’t give him anywhere to maneuver. There would be no cover or escape. It was just him versus them.

Still working off his berserker rage, Wolverine began another attack. This time he was met with a far more forceful response. Three masked guards coordinated to strike him simultaneously with their energy sticks. As if one wasn’t painful enough, three really sent Wolverine into a world of hurt.

“Arrrrgggghhhhhh!” he roared in pain.

“Keep going! Don’t let up!” said a masked guard.

More joined in the assault. Soon there were six masked guards striking the feral mutant with their energy sticks at once. Wolverine tried to fight them off, landing a few kicks and slashes. It wasn’t enough. The shocks were too powerful and his healing factor wasn’t able to heal him fast enough. His flesh became charred and his muscles convulsed, making it difficult for him to keep his bearings.

“Hrrrrrrrr! Can’t...won’t...stop!” he roared.

“Shut up, peasant!” spat one of the masked guards just as he struck him on the head.

Logan let out more pained howls. It seemed as though Shaw was ready for an attack. His men were armed with just the right tools to take down someone like him. Gritting his teeth in agony, Logan stayed on his feet and slashed through a couple more energy sticks. But more reinforcements came. Soon he had nearly a dozen masked guards surrounding him on all sides. They all ganged up on him, beating him with their weapons and kicking him in the newly created wounds. Eventually, it became too difficult for him to stand. His enraged state kept him conscious, but it could not keep him fighting.

Finally, he fell flat on his face as four energy sticks struck him on the back at once. This sent a paralyzing surge through his body, causing all his limbs to fail him. Even when he was down, they kept striking him. These guys were not taking any chances.

“Hnn…can’t pass out!” he grunted, “Must…get to…Jeannie…and Ro.”

“You’re not going anywhere!” spat a masked guard as he struck him in the heat.

“AUGH!” yelled Logan, feeling half his face bruised by the blow.

“Bosses orders are to terminate on sight,” said another, gripping his weapon intently, “We were warned that you X-men were pretty resilient. We can do this all night if we have to. We can go until there’s no flesh left on your bones!”

“That…supposed to…scare me?” grunted Wolverine.

“It should give you an idea of what you’re in for!” said another, “His majesty requested that no one interrupt. And his decree must be obeyed!”

The original Phoenix Saga, written by Chris Claremont, is a very special story in the history of X-men. I understand that for X-men fans of every generation, it is an integral part of the X-men. So far, I've received positive feedback for what I've been doing thus far. The volume of feedback still isn't that great, but I have been getting more attention now that I'm taking on the Phoenix Saga in this fanfiction series. The biggest moments for my Phoenix Saga are yet to come and I eagerly await the reactions to those moments. As such, I strongly encourage everyone to take the time to review my X-men Supreme Phoenix Saga and my fanfiction series in general. I can always be reached through my contact page here on this site and if you leave feedback on each issue, I will be happy to address it. I hope X-men fans of all kinds enjoy my Phoenix Saga and the X-men Supreme fanfiction series in general. Until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

X-men Legacy #275 - The End Feels Awesome

There comes a time in every high when you know you're either going to pass out or sober up in a way that'll make you feel like shitting through your nose. The feeling has many parallels with what happens when a long-running comic book series ends to make way for a non-reboot relaunch. We know it's a gimmick. We know it's just a pitiful way for the big wigs at Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic to boost sales. But in the same way you know that too much blow will make your heart explode, you bury your face in it and inhale the awesome. Sure, the high is going to wear off and there's a chance you could wake up face down on a pool table with an eight-ball shoved in your ass, but it's worth it if it's awesome.

One of the many titles that is getting a relaunch at Marvel is X-men Legacy. This is a book that has been a good chunk of the bedrock for the X-books for a very long time. It spun out of Grant Morrison's New X-men run and Mike Carey spent years making sure it was consistently awesome in a way most pot dealers could never hope to match. After a successful tenure, Christos Gage took over for the home stretch. His run has had it's ups and downs. Some of it has been awesome. Some of it has been disgusting because it evokes images of Magneto's wrinkled nutsack banging against Rogue's chin.

But thankfully, that shit was officially ended at the end of X-men Legacy #274. Since then, Marvel has already announced that Rogue will be a major member of Uncanny Avengers where she may be able to get another old guy's balls banging against her chin in Captain America. But while that series is just beginning to establish itself, Rogue still has some shit to resolve in X-men Legacy and hopefully it doesn't involve cat people dongs.

X-men Legacy has been following the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men fairly closely. In the previous issue, Rogue assisted with some of the rescue efforts while trying hard to keep Magneto out of her panties. For the final issue of X-men Legacy, that aftermath continues as Rogue gets roped into helping SHIELD break up a prison riot because their infamous Raft prison was damaged during Avengers vs. X-men. And for reasons that are exceedingly convenient, nobody but Rogue is in a position to help. Being the nice girl she is (and because she's now going to be one of the pretty faces on Uncanny Avengers), she agrees to help out. She also gets Mimic to tag along, who has been somewhat fucked up since the Weapon Omega story a few arcs back. At first, it sounds like he's trying to get into Rogue's panties. She's quick to remind him that since she's broken away from Magneto, her panties are not fit for anyone's presence. But he makes it clear that he admires her ability to ditch baggage like Magneto and come off looking hot doing it. And maybe by helping her with that mission, some of that skill will rub off. But since he doesn't have Rogue's rack, the odds are stacked against him.

Rogue and Mimic arrive on the Raft to the kind of prison riot you won't see without a severe concussion and a massive dose of LSD. Perhaps this is Marvel's way of showing how the X-men and Avengers are cooperating now that they've discovered that fighting one another leads to a shitty comic book event. But it still comes off as utterly ridiculous that she and Mimic are the only ones that can handle this shit. The action here is pretty awesome, which is welcome since X-men Legacy has been pretty light on the action lately and heavy on cat people dongs. Since this is the last issue before the relaunch, it's refreshing to see an X-book get back to basics by having a hot woman like Rogue show a pansy little shit like Mimic how to kick ass.

But like I mentioned earlier, they horribly undermanned and the Avengers can't be bothered to break up a typical prison riot. They just have to save their energy for more important shit like fucking with cosmic entities and blaming the guy who was right all along. Okay, bad example. But since Rogue isn't a dumb shit, she understands that all these super-powered criminals aren't going to go down quietly and they can't expect the Avengers or the other X-men to get off their fat asses to help them. And since Mimic is know for his strategy about as much as he's known for his ability to soak Rogue's panties, Rogue has to come up with the plan. So she expects him to not be a pussy and hold off the riot until she hatches a plan. It sounds like she's trusting Pacman Jones at a strip club, but that's how limited her options are I guess.

With Mimic now holding the line, Rogue ventures into the part of the prison that hasn't devolved into a mass shank-fest. She stands in front of a bunch of hardened superpowered criminals that probably haven't seen a pair of breasts outside stick figures drawn on their cell walls and gives a rather rousing if not futile speech. But it's not as cliched as it sounds. Rogue's speech essentially sums up her personal journey over the course of X-men Legacy. She tells them about how she had once been bad enough to let Magneto touch her breasts. She had been a villain who had made some pretty lousy decisions that were almost as bad as letting Magneto see her naked. Yet she was able to overcome that shit and be better. She was able to become the kick-ass X-man she is now.

It may not be a Braveheart style speech, but it is an extremely appropriate speech given the context of the issue. Since this is the final issue of X-men Legacy, it acts as an epilogue of sorts to show Rogue's current mindset while reflecting on how far she's come. It's a great moment in some ways, even if it doesn't have the necessary emotional impact. It still acts as a nice summation to what X-men Legacy has been about for all these years and in that sense it's satisfying.

Most of the prisoners are inclined to just ask that she show them her boobs. I admit I would probably ask the same. But some superpowered criminals aren't complete douche-bags and offer her the use of their powers. And she doesn't even have to show them her boobs. It's a little bland in that respect, but it has the desired effect. Now Rogue is armed with some extra power that not only makes her capable of taking on an entire prison of superpowered criminals, but it makes her look even more menacing than before. Yet somehow she's still hot enough to jerk off to. Very few characters can pull that shit off and Rogue has made a habit of pulling it off throughout the course of X-men Legacy. I speak for my penis when I say I'll really miss that.

Armed with this new power and with Mimic managing to hold off long enough to not piss himself, Rogue is able to quell the prison riot in another round of action that's both satisfying and entertaining. It's not overly elaborate and it's a little chaotic at times, but then again X-men Legacy has never been known for well-organized action. It's still impressive enough to make Mimic reconsider trying to get into Rogue's panties. Even if he has no chance, you have to believe he's committing this to memory the next time he's alone with a bottle of lube and no internet connection. And since this may very well Rogue's last big action moment in the pages of X-men Supreme, it's something for both readers and my penis to savor.

Later on after the Raft is somewhat unfucked, Mimic catches up with Rogue back at the Jean Grey Institute and they have a nice moment. Rogue essentially gives Mimic another speech that also sums up her journey and how she intends to move forward. It's a little melodramatic, but it's still a nice, concise summation of where she is now and how her journey and X-men Legacy has led her to this point. It doesn't feel overly contrived either because Mimic seems to be in a similar position, not sure of himself and needing guidance from a hot chick with bigger balls (and tits) than he'll ever have. But it doesn't quite have the impact it should for a final issue.

In many ways, these speeches by Rogue are like bookends to the theme of X-men Legacy. It's always been one of those X-books that deals with characters looking to rebuild themselves from a fucked up past. Whether it's Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, or Frenzy they're stuck making choices that often lead to shit exploding and cat-people dongs. But Rogue's journey has been the most complete. Her speech may be a bit wordy here, but it covers all the basics and gives the reader a nice sense of what X-men Legacy has been all about.

The final scene is a nice little image of Rogue essentially telling Mimic that once he gets his shit together, it feels better than a blow job and a bong hit. It also shows that Rogue has gotten to that point, minus the blow job and the bong hit of course. The final scene essentially caps off Rogue's journey in X-men Legacy. It's not over for the X-books in general, but it's over for X-men Legacy. After you wipe the tears from your eye and the lube from your dick, it finally sinks in. This story is over and a new one is set to begin.

X-men Legacy has been a unique approach to AX-men since it began under Mike Carey's pen. Rogue has been the central focus for years and in that time she's gone through a lot of growth and a fuckton of regression, primarily due to her boning Magneto. There have been times where X-men Legacy has been the most consistent source of awesome in the X-books and there have been times when it has been nauseatingly unreadable (see cat people dongs). Now that it's over, what kind of legacy does X-men Legacy leave behind? Well it can't be too shitty because Marvel is relaunching this shit with an exceedingly short grace period. But the new X-men Legacy promises to get away from the stories surrounding Rogue and focus on Legion, Xavier's now orphaned Schizophrenic son. So the focus has gone from a hot woman with a great rack in Rogue to a mentally unbalanced dick-cheese with fucked up hair. That has to be the worst tagline for a comic in history.

But the major theme of X-men Legacy #275 was to close this chapter in Rogue's history and make way for the next one. She's already poised to move on in Uncanny Avengers and hopefully not ending up being as big a dick as Captain America. But her story in this series had to end and for the most part, that's what this issue did. It wasn't overly dramatic. Rogue's speech to all the prisoners was a nice summation of how far she's come and where she is now. However, it still came off as rather bland and not very compelling. So she's moved on from being Magneto's fuck-toy, but that's about it. Granted, she's been through a lot more in this series, but you don't really get that impression in reading this issue. It was nice that Mimic provided a means with which to sort of convey that sentiment. But in the end it didn't resonate as well as it could have.

It still felt like a solid ending. After reading this issue, you get the sense that Rogue doesn't need to be in this comic anymore. She's got another story to follow in Uncanny Avengers. However, it doesn't really do much to get you excited for Legion taking over. Given how little he's been used lately, his emergence at this point would just feel somewhat random despite the recent death of Charles Xavier. I like that Rogue got to have one last moment of badassery that summed up her current state in the Marvel universe. But it could have been a lot more awesome. That's why I give X-men Legacy #275 a 3 out of 5.

Rogue has been on an amazing, bonerific journey in the pages of X-men Legacy. The book won't be nearly as awesome or nearly as easy to masturbate to with her gone. But from Mike Carey to Christos Gage, her story has been an awesome ride. It's lasted through many bottles of lube and many boxes of tissues. It'll have a special place in my heart, on my dick, and in the annuls of the X-men mythos. Nuff said!