Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 - Prisoners of Awesome

Being in prison is a lot like being being a protologist whose office is right across the street from a gay bar. You're bound to find some pretty odd shit for some pretty fucked up reasons. There's also a major difference between being tossed in a drunk tank at the county lock-up after you've been caught pissing on the sheriff's mailbox at three in the morning and being sentanced for taking part in nearly destroying the world. The only way that could possibly suck any more would be if you actually weren't entirely responsible for nearly destroying the world and the assholes who played a much bigger role don't even get a slap on the wrist or so much as a parking ticket. That's the state Cyclops is in right now with Avengers vs. X-men. He may be guilty of a few crimes from Avengers vs. X-men, but only to the point that brain-dead American TV viewers are guilty of creating Honey Boo Boo.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences is taking the usual aftermath formula of an event and giving it ADHD. By that I mean it's taking the story from the moment the shit hits the fan to the moment when you go diving into a nearby pool to wash the fecal matter out of your eyes. Avengers vs. X-men ended with the Avengers proving that Cyclops was right all along about the Phoenix Force, but screwing him over anyway because admitting they were assholes for poking it like a drunk waving his dick at a cobra just made them feel too awkward. Now Cyclops is in jail, guilty for crimes that include saving an entire species, undoing a reality fuck from a crazy bitch that never answered for her crimes, trying to creat a global utopia, and being driven crazy by friends and allies that kept bullying your ass. I'm pretty sure those crimes are shakey even in North Korea, but I'm no lawyer. I only know the ones that get me off a drug charge on a technicality. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has no such technicalities becuase Cyclops is in jail, the Avengers are trying to partner with the X-men, and a new mutant population is a long list of new problems that are bound to give every hero a migraine.

If that shit weren't bad enough, Captain America has been trying to round up the rest of the Extinction Team on which everyone is pinning the Phoenix debacle. To hell with blaming Tony Stark for blasting the Phoenix with his fancy needle-dick compensating gizmo that split it into five pieces in the first place. He's rich and he's well connected. He'll never spend a day in jail in the same way the head of Goldman Sachs will never spend a day in jail. But along the way, Captain America discovered that someone from the inside is helping the Extinction Team. He asked Wolverine for help in getting Cyclops to play ball with them, but he did what I would do and just drank a beer while telling him to go fuck himself. The story about Cyclops's prison life, the traitor, and beer is the crux of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences and it continues with plenty of reasons to drink.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 ended with Wolverine paying an impromptu visit to Cyclops in prison for reasons that aren't conjacle. Avengers vs. X-men Consquences #2 picks up with that encounter and pretty much sticks with it for the entire fucking issue. There's no flashbacks, no teleportation, and no exotic locations where dinosaurs roam free and alien bugs bite off your dick. It's takes place entirely in a prison. And unless it's the setting of a softcore cable porn series on Cinemax, it usually doesn't translate to an awesome story. But like picking up a hooker with an unusually large adams apple, I've been wrong before.

The conversation starts off fairly simple. There's the standard awkward silence you get, not unlike the silence between you and your parole officer when he catches you taking a shit in his bird bath at two in the morning. Then Wolverine goes off on this angry "fuck you" speech because Cyclops killed Xavier. In response, Cyclops calmly points out he was fucked up on Dark Phoenix just as Jean Grey was when she killed 5 billion aliens and he still wanted to fuck her. But that's not enough for Wolverine. He calls Cyclops out for just walking down this road in the first place, even though he couldn't have known it would end the way it did. I want to say that's just the beer talking, but I'm just going to assume it's Wolverine being a big douche.

Then Cyclops says it. He says the very thing that so many fans like myself have been thinking in their most sober moments after reading Avengers vs. X-men. He points out (after being imprisoned and locked in a room with a guy that tried to fuck his wife no less) that he was right. Everything he did during Avengers vs. X-men turned out to be spot on. He was right about Hope. He was right about the Phoenix. And he also points out to Wolverine that at one point he tried to kill her, which would have fucked everything and doomed the whole species if not more. So while there are plenty who still have a right to call Cyclops a douche-bag, Wolverine ain't one of them.

This scene may not have shit explode or result in a bloody brawl like Schism, but it does show something that Marvel hasn't shown much of lately. It shows they've actually read their own shit. They didn't gloss over certain details for once, namely that Cyclops was right about Hope and Wolverine was a complete asshole for trying to kill her. Those are details that Marvel has been glossing over lately more than Mitt Romney's tax returns. So for them to have Cyclops stand up on panel and say it to Wolverine's ugly ass face, that really helps make the whole Avengers vs. X-men timeline a bit less fucked up. It doesn't address everything, but at least it makes an effort. It's like a necrophiliac trying to salvage a corpse that's been burnt to a crisp. The effort entails a commitment, disturbing it may be.

But Cyclops isn't done pissing Wolverine off. He points out that him being right ensures his school will have more students and some of them may actually wear a T-shirt that says "Cyclops was right." Hell, there are people in the real world already wearing that shit! Not only that, he takes a page right out of his Schism playbook and drops a J-bomb. By that, I mean he references Jean Grey again. He tells Wolverine that since he's gone Dark Phoenix, he now understands her in a way he never will. Just as he'll understand Jean's pussy in a way he never will. That's enough to send Wolverine over the edge. He takes a page right out of a rerun from Oz (minus the prison rape) and tries to kill Cyclops on the spot. It's bad enough to be reminded that he was dead wrong. Being reminded that Cyclops now has even more of a connection with Jean Grey is just too much.

But Cyclops finds a way to fuck with Wolverine again. Wolverine figures out that Cyclops wants him to kill him. He flat out says that he would prefer Wolverine shank him than one of the prisoners who might not be so gentle with his asshole. It fucks with Wolverine in a way that all the whores in Bankok never could. Cyclops doesn't just do it to get under his skin though. He's still a tactician in addition to being an ass. He doubts anyone is going to let him live long enough to see a trial and even if he hires OJ Simpson's legal team, Captain America wouldn't stand to let him walk free. That would be like seeing a Nazi ass-rape Uncle Sam. Cyclops sacrificed pretty much everything to save the mutant race and the world. No one could blame him for wanting to check out, but Wolverine just has to be the bigger asshole and deny him.

But Wolverine doesn't just leave him along with what's left of his dignity. He points out that while Cyclops was right and he saved the mutant race, the shitty way it played out ensured that this new generation of mutants are going to have targets on their backs, heads, and assholes. When a mutant goes Dark Phoenix and tries to destroy the world, that shit makes a bad impression on an already petrified human population. It's like Mitt Romney doing a photo opp at a KKK meeting or George W. Bush pissing on the side of a mosque. People are going to be pissed and a little scared. Wolverine tries to get him to see this and asks him to help him bring in the Extinction Team. Cyclops doesn't give him anything, leaving Wolverine to finish his beer and leave before he can be pissed off by another Jean Grey reference.

At this point, the story is still entirely confined in the prison. We don't see any of the Avengers or Captain America. We don't even get any additional clues as to who the mole might be that's protecting the Extinction Team. Instead, we see Cyclops meeting up with one of his fellow inmates. He's not the inmate that tries to make newbies his bitch without a little chit chat either. Cyclops finds out that he was in prison during the whole Avengers vs. X-men shit storm and he was just one of the countless ordinary humans that suddenly became mutants. We even get a nice flashback that shows what happens when a prisoner is threatened by a guy twice his size with a shanking and an impromtu prostate exam and suddenly becomes a mutant. It's the closest this issue comes to throwing some flash and flare into the story, but it goes further than that.

To this point, the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men has been mostly focused on the heroes and how fucked up their world is after they started bitch-slapping each other. Not much attention has been paid to the millions of new mutants who are now free to show off their powers in a world where Wanda Maximoff's reality fuck has been undone. This issue focuses on just one case and he just happens to be a guy sharing a prison cell block with Cyclops. It's one of those little details I often gush about on this blog, but it certainly helps put some badly needed perspective on the post Avengers vs. X-men world that doesn't involve Captain America ignoring what a douche he is.

The guy makes small talk with Cyclops, hoping to ask about how real Emma Frost's breasts really were. He doesn't seem too bent out of shape about being a mutant either. It's probably the most exciting thing that's happened to him since his defense attorney showed up at his trial drunk and got stuck with more years behind bars. Unfortunately, not everyone is thrilled about sharing a prison cell with mutants. That guy that tried to shank the hapless new mutant earlier isn't too happy about his asshole still being intact. Cyclops notices that they guards have gone on a rather sudden break and now they're set to become prison bitches and/or martyrs. Cyclops makes it clear that he's hoping for and expecting to be a martyr. For the sake of his asshole, he better be right.

A comic book that takes place entirely in a prison and involves mostly conversation and a slight threat of a shanking (and prison rape) shouldn't be very satisfying. Hell, this is usually the kind of comic book that should come with a warning label telling readers that this shit is just filler and nothing explodes. But damn it, this issue was still awesome. It sounds impossible, like being a hooker inside Flavor Flav's house and not coming out with an STD. But it actually happened. This issue, despite being mostly a conversation between Cyclops and Wolverine, was awesome.

Now I know there are some fans out there with shitty weed dealers that will never be too thrilled by a story that just involves two characters talking. The dialog could be written by Shakespeare themselves and they'll still bitch about there not being enough explosions. There's a case to be made by those people. I wish I could forward them to my weed dealer, but I'd rather not threaten my stash. Moreover, the excessive talking does make this comic come off as tedious if not overly narrow. It didn't deal with any other X-men or the Avengers. But the focus is part of what made this comic compelling. It actually did what probably should have been done in Avengers vs. X-men and showed that Cyclops was not only right. The assholes like Wolverine that are condemning him are fucking hypocrites for some of the shit they pulled. Wolverine wasn't quite as bad as Tony Stark, but he did try to gut the mutant messiah that ended up saving them all. In that sense he came off as the guy who should be getting shanked at the end.

While I'm glad and extremely relieved that Marvel addressed these details, it still feels a bit late in the context of the story. Like this should be part of Avengers vs. X-men #12, but Marvel just ran out of ink. So while it felt a little misplaced, it still succeeded in getting the necessary point across. It also added a nice addition at the end with the prisoner that became a mutant. It doesn't just give Cyclops a cell-mate who isn't inclined to sodomize him. It focuses on just one of the millions of new mutants who are now part of the Marvel universe. That gets right to the heart of the whole consequences concept and sets the stage for a struggle that hopefully doesn't involve too much sodomy.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has to do a lot in order to escape the shit stains left by Avengers vs. X-men. The last issue didn't exactly go the full distance, but it helped give the Marvel universe a nudge in the right direction. This book gave it a violent shove that it desperately needed. Avengers vs. X-men still sucks, but this issue shows that the shit it bore shall fertilize a lush new garden of Marvel awesome. For that, I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 a 4 out of 5. Clap your hands, stomp your feet, and clench your asshole! This comic took a trip to prison and made it awesome. Nuff said!

All New X-men #1 Minor/Major Spoilers

Last year it was reported that a few scientists with way too much free time on their hands studied the effects of spoilers on movies and books. Much to the surprise of fanboys who love to bitch and moan on message boards, it was discovered that spoilers didn't ruin the story and may in fact actually enhance enjoyment. I believe they likened it to revealing to someone that they were going to fuck a supermodel. This revelation did nothing to spoil the experience. It only makes people more excited. I'm not sure if those were the researchers' exact words, but I would be shocked if it wasn't much different.

I say this because Marvel appears to have read that study. Or at least Brian Michael Bendis has because recently, he leaked some very spoileriffic scans of All New X-men #1, which isn't slated for release until November. It wasn't the result of the fine folks at 4chan hacking the scans out of Marvel's secret database, which is probably located in a lair the Red Skull would kill for. It was as intentional as me getting drunk at a kegger. I've already done a few posts on panels that have been purposefully leaked. So I might as well share them with the fine folks that enable my drinking problems. But be forewarned that the scans are somewhat low quality. I couldn't find better ones so don't get pissed at me. There's only so much a drunk with a blog can do.

First scan with O5 Beast being a douche-bag.

Second scan with O5 Beast being an even bigger douchebag.

Third scan with modern Beast being a douchebag. Anybody else noticing a trend?

Fourth scan of Beast revealing to O5 Cyclops that his future self will be the kind of raging douchebag that will incur mass genocide against mutants. That or Beast is just trying to be an even bigger douche. It's hard to tell.

So even though I intended to get drunk and review this issue when it came out, we already know how the final page ends. There will be no shocks. No surprises. No assholes ripping the brains out of skulls and holding them up as if they came from Mila Kunnis's snatch. It just sets the stage for the Original Five X-men to return to the present. Their reason for doing so is simple. Cyclops won't listen to anyone who doesn't have DDD cup breasts and isn't named Emma Frost. So maybe he'll listen to his younger self. It's not groundbreaking, nor is it mindblowing. But fuck, it's still awesome.

It still leaves a number of unanswered questions. Like why the fuck does Beast think Cyclops is going to cause mass genocide? Does he do it from prison or does he bust out and decide the world is shit for not embracing the chance at a worldwide utopia? Or is this just another case of Beast and everyone else in the Marvel universe thinking that Cyclops is a douche-bag for trying to actually make the world a better place with his powers. It's hard to tell and chances are it'll give me plenty of things to rant about after a night of heavy drinking. I'm looking forward to it and I hope rest of my fine readers are as well! Nuff said!

X-men #37 - Respectfully Awesome

For the past few weeks as Avengers vs. X-men has taken a tailspin into a lake of raw sewage, I've tried to take solace in other comics that haven't required a comparison to human excrement. Last week I had Uncanny X-Force to help soften the blow of the stool sample that was Avengers vs. X-men. This week, I have a comic that has actually been on an upswing lately. I know I come off as a hateful, spiteful, bitter drunk in my reviews and as accurate as that may be to an extent, I'm still capable of deriving pleasure from other areas of the Marvel universe and it doesn't always require that I ingest a certain amount of LSD (although it sure does help).

Brian Wood's adjectiveless X-men has been to Avengers vs. X-men what ethical journalism has been to Fox News. It's not flashy. It's not big. It's not a huge fucking event that requires everyone working at Marvel to proclaim it's awesome from the top of every building in New York City. It's a story that follows a select group of X-men on missions that don't involve shameless crossovers or gimmicks. Brian Wood's subtle approach was slow at first in how he introduced the concept of proto-mutants. But in the past few issues, he's made it more compelling and thrown in a few twists along the way. It hasn't been action packed, but it has led to a creepy guy blowing a hole in the side of a plane and jumping out. It's not global catastrophe, but it's still pretty awesome.

Part of what has made Brian Wood's adjectiveless X-men so compelling is the sense of progression. Aside from books like Uncanny X-Force, not a lot of comics follow that kind of progression. The proto-mutants started off as an anomaly. But then Storm's security team did some digging and uncovered some rather disturbing trends, including a creepy cult based around proto-mutant DNA and a Jesus wannabe. Then in the previous issue, they met up with a proto-mutant who actually doesn't look like a monster, a ball of shit, or something out of a Japanese anime porn. And when they upset him by mentioning that proto-mutants were being used like dirty needles in a crack house. He responded completely logically by blowing a hole in their plane (when it was in mid air) and flying out. It's only slightly less outrageous than Lindsey Lohan's last meltdown.

In X-men #37, Storm's team has to deal with the immediate aftermath of a powerful proto-mutant jumping out of a plane and flying around in anger. Also in the previous issue, Pixie jumped out after him. This issue begins by showing how their proto-mutant friend, Gabriel Sheppard, caused such a raucous with his tirade that he attacked the fucking air force. And since military budgets are overbloated and certain pilots are trigger happy, their first inclination was to shoot it with a missile. Thankfully, Pixie manages to teleport him away before Joe Biden can convince the President to throw nukes at the situation.

As for the plane Mr. Sheppard flat out ruined, Storm and her team had to make an emergency landing and somehow explain to the airport workers why there was a big hole in their plane without them laughing their ass off. But a far more serious conversation was had between Cyclops and Storm. Now for the past few issues, conversations between Cyclops and Storm have been more volatile than the presidential debates. Storm has been keeping secrets from Cyclops about her little operation and Cyclops has been understandably paranoid about her secrets. This time there's no beating around the bush. Storm tells him (using the secret channel that Colossus was using to chat with Cyclops no less) that she's ditching her mission and coming back to utopia. And since this happens before Avengers vs. X-men, we know how that shit is going to end. It doesn't have the same impact as some of the previous debates, but the tension here makes for a nice prelude to what happens in Avengers vs. X-men.

We then switch from a volatile conversation to one that should give readers a warm and fuzzy feeling. After escaping a clearly confused Air Force that's probably still operating under Dick Cheney's rules, Pixie transports Sheppard to Antarctica to escape. When that proves to be too cold and cause too much shinkage (she is a teenage girl), she transports them to a deserted island. Because nothing bad could possibly happen by putting an old man and a teenage girl on a desert island with no supervision. I'm pretty sure that's how certain anime porn begins.

But even if it has the makings of anime porn, the conversation they have is very deep and very heartfelt. It's the exact opposite of Storm's conversation with Cyclops. It's like exchanging a line of blow for a shot of heroine, minus the vomiting. Pixie basically gets a sense for why Sheppard is so isolated. He's been alive for 700 years and done jack shit. He basically explains why he chooses solitude and it's not a bad reason. He says he's seen his entire race of proto-mutants live and die. That would give most people anti-social tendencies. As for him being overly pissed and busting out of their plane, he justifies that by not being comfortable with the X-men and assholes like David Gray fighting over the remains of his people like a couple of necrophiliacs fighting over a corpse. Wood does a great job of making his plight understandable here. It may not be as flashy as battle where he uses his shitty luck to justify beating the shit out of babies, but it still has an impact.

If the conversation with Sheppard was heartfelt, the conversation that followed with Colossus and Storm was akin to Terrel Owens trash talk minus the popcorn. For much of this arc, Colossus has been chatting with Cyclops behind Storm's back. She finally confronts him about it and Colossus goes off, explaining to her in a not-so-friendly tone why he thinks she's been treating him like some mindless battering ram that can be thrown out of a jet without so much as a shrug. Being forced to lie to his friends and go behind the back of Cyclops just doesn't sit well with him. Storm is smart enough to know this, yet she's done it anyways and for what? She's tried to do her own thing and what has it gained her?

It culminates in the biggest (and only) fight of the issue. Colossus, still drunk on Juggernaut power and not happy with being thought of as a mindless muscle, lashes out at Storm. She calls it a temper tantrum. He probably calls it saying, "Fuck you!" But Storm isn't one to take a temper tantrum lightly. Once Colossus starts implying that Cyclops would have handled this better and with enough time to get a couple of blow jobs from Emma Frost on the side, Storm shuts his ass up with a big ass bolt of lightning. It's not a very effective way of proving that she was right, but it is an effective way of winning an argument. It's like walking into a debate with a shotgun and Chuck Norris. You're not going to lose.

However, that battle with Storm and Colossus is the only battle in the book. It's personal and it's intense, but it really doesn't feel that action-packed. I know not every comic can have an epic battle, but it felt like this battle was just underplayed. It didn't have the impact that it could have, even if the argument was a good argument to have.

Without any fighting or arguments, Pixie and Sheppard part ways. Sheppard decides that with the proto-mutants extinct, he has no place in this world. So he decides to just leave. He doesn't say where he's going. That's probably just a subtle hint that the editors at Marvel don't care to see any more stories about him. It's like killing off a character whose actor has a contract dispute. But before he goes, he makes Pixie promise to destroy the remaining samples of the proto-mutant DNA that everyone has been fighting over. He just doesn't feel comfortable with more necrophiliacs trying to dry hump the corpse of his people. And that's a completely understandable request.

Pixie does as she asks, having a nice moment to herself as she revisits the area where David Michael Gray got this shit ball rolling in the first place. She essentially buries what's left of the proto-mutant arc. It's like an epilogue of sorts, showing that whatever potential the proto-mutants may have had is now lost along with Sheppard. It can also be seen as a prelude of sorts because Pixie describes how lost mutants are and with the coming events of Avengers vs. X-men, it's only bound to get more fucked up. It's not so much the calm before the storm. It's more like the wet fart before the onslaught of explosive diarrhea.

Some stories or arcs have a natural, definitive end while others are dragged out in a way that's so overblown and so convoluted that the Wachowskis will try to make it into a trilogy. This story surrounding the proto-mutants was the former thankfully. Brian Wood probably could have dragged this story out for as long as he damn well pleased, but he chose not to. He didn't end it with an overly spectacular final battle between X-men and a hoard of monsters or some other mad scientist that went off his meds. In fact, the climactic battle for this story was between two X-men who were supposed to be on the same side. It may not have been spectacular, but it had a solid impact. It may not have resolved itself in the most satisfying way, but it worked.

For once, the biggest flaw in a story isn't that a writer did way too fucking much. It was that Wood stopped it rather abruptly. He opted for subtlety and personal dramas rather than giant monsters that shit fire. In a market of comics that has that every other week, that helps set his proto-mutant story apart. He also emphasized the more personal connections in this story, such as Pixie and Sheppard as well as the much more volatile connection with Storm and Colossus. They emotions didn't run as high as one would hope, but they were there and they fit the situation.

That said, some may take Wood's subtle approach as a more boring approach. And that's not entirely wrong. Not a lot happens here aside from the fight between Colossus and Storm. The team basically decides to stop pursuing the proto-mutants and leave them alone. That's really not much of a resolution and it leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Yet Wood does find a way to make it feel fitting. It just isn't going to knock your socks off or make your dick hard.

Brian Wood's run on adjectiveless X-men has definitely grown on me. It started off rather slow, but he's found a way to make it worthwhile in a way that's hard to do with any comic. Reading this book left me satisfied with the progression of his run, but disappointed with the abrupt manner that it ended. Wood clearly knows how to write an X-book. His style may not be fore everyone, just as magnum sized condoms aren't for everyone. But they have their place. For that, I give X-men #37 a 3.5 out of 5. If you want a comic where shit blows up and makes no fucking sense, read Avengers vs. X-men. If you want a comic that focuses more on character relationships and subtle moments that you can read with your girlfriend before the ecstasy kicks in, this book is for you. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue #64: The Phoenix Saga Part 2 Is LIVE!

The Phoenix Saga is underway and the cosmic fires are heating up in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series! The event that forever changed the face of the X-men comics promises to do the same for this fanfiction series. The first issue showed just how bad Jean Grey's condition had become. It's a condition that began way back in X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers. However, the previous issue also revealed that these issues that have troubled Jean run much deeper. She's not in a position to overcome them on her own. It is up to the X-men to help her before it's too late.

But while the X-men are struggling to comprehend what is happening to Jean Grey, other forces are hard at work plotting against the X-men. This includes the likes of Sebastian Shaw, who showed up in a big way in the Partners in Madness arc. Then in Issue 63: The Phoenix Saga Part 1, he brought in Emma Frost to aid his agenda. I know Emma Frost has some very passionate fans so expect her to play a major role in this event! But first, she'll play a major role in the latest issue of the X-men Supreme Phoenix Saga. Enjoy!

Issue 64: The Phoenix Saga Part 2

To make the addition of this latest issue even more awesome, I have another bonus to include! With the previous issue, I included a spectacular commission courtesy of Brian Brinlee. He was generous and talented enough to provide an image of Jean Grey in her Phoenix Form for X-men Supreme. Well in the spirit of adopting Marvel's love of variants, I've posted a variant of his commission along with the new issue. It comes courtesy of a friend named Constance, who I know from comic book message boards. Constance happens to be good with Photoshop and did some tweaking to the commission. You can find it both within the issue and in the X-men Supreme Official Panels section.

And if anyone else is looking to have their work posted on the X-men Supreme website, please know that I'm always willing to accommodate! The more I can add to this fanfiction series, the better the experience. So if you want to do another variant to the Jean Grey Phoenix cover, feel free to do it and contact me if you want me to post it! As always, I deeply appreciate feedback and input for this and all aspects of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I already got three generous reviews for the first issue of my Phoenix Saga. The event promises to escalate so please keep the reviews coming! I'm always willing to chat with readers so please contact me or post a review in the review section. Until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 - Inconsequential Awesome

Your bullshit has consequences. That's not me talking. I'm quoting a Baltimore County judge with whom I'm on a first name basis unfortunately. I know better than most that when you do stupid shit like piss on the windshield of a cop car at four in the morning, you're going to get in trouble. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Not remembering how you woke up face down in a puddle of piss doesn't work either. You're ass is still going to be in trouble and if you're really unlucky, it's going to be the new semen repository for your cell mate.

The big difference between my drunken antics and what Cyclops did in Avengers vs. X-men is that I chose to get drunk and to accept those odd purple pills from the guy at the liquor store with a neck tattoo. Cyclops didn't choose to wield the Phoenix Force, nor did he choose to go Dark Phoenix after the entire fucking Marvel Universe ganged up on on him. That would be like someone sneaking up on me, injecting me with booze and PCP, pissing me off by insulting my mother and the size of my dick, and then letting me loose in a bar fight. Yet Cyclops has a shitty lawyer in the sense that he still ended up in jail, despite being completely right about the Phoenix saving the mutant race and being driven insane by the Avengers's bullshit. Now both his friends and his enemies hate his guts despite him being completely right on pretty much all counts. I'm not sure if that's a win, but I think that means he's not in a position to be anyone's bitch in prison.

But the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men go far beyond Cyclops. In wake of the bullshit ending that I had so much fun shitting all over, the entire Marvel universe has been affected and now it's being reshaped to make way for Marvel NOW! But as bad as Avengers vs. X-men was, it wasn't so bad that it made the Marvel universe unreadable. Hell, only one guy died and it was a character that had been MIA since he was shot in the fucking head a mere five years ago. Some characters got more screwed than others, but that's not the point. The point is the shit storm has passed and Marvel has a chance to reshape their universe for the better. And it all begins with Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1, courtesy of Kieron Gillen. His work on Uncanny X-men #19 showed that he was one writer who didn't have his head up his ass for much of Avengers vs. X-men. So he would be in the best position to tell the story about the aftermath.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 begins by reminding readers of some of the good that Avengers vs. X-men accomplished. Hell, one of the only notable gems things that came out of this shit mine was that it finally ended the pathetically contrived Storm/Black Panther marriage. This was one relationship that even Jerry Springer would call trashy out of the sheer circumstance surrounding it (or lack thereof). We find out that Black Panther still has some bitter feelings about their annulment because when the X-men fly to Wakanda to offer help, he shoots at them. That's only slightly less hostile than shoving divorce papers in Storm's face, but it still brings a non-alcohol induced smile to my face to see that this relationship is fucking over.

From bullshit relationships to bullshit imprisonment, Kieron Gillen also takes some time to explore how the Marvel universe is screwing over Cyclops. It's not enough they've killed his wife twice. They have to make him a criminal for doing shit that Wanda Maximoff did less than a decade ago, yet she remains free. But I've already ranted about that. This scene doesn't dwell on the bullshit reasons why Cyclops is in jail. It essentially describes the kind of prison life's in for. See, the Avengers just haven't been big enough assholes to date so they don't want to put him in a prison with other villains that have nearly destroyed the world and aren't named Wanda Maximoff. They instead put him in a new private prison, complete with advanced mutant shock collar technology and a guy who looks disturbingly similar to a George W. Bush. It's about as fucked up as it sounds and then some.

But aside from screwing Cyclops over in ways that don't yet involve prison rape, Gillen uses this to explore another important aspect of the post-Avengers vs. X-men world. With so many new mutants emerging, the world has to re-learn how to deal with them. It was all so much easier when there was less than 200 of them and they were just hanging out on an island. Now they have to worry about imprisoning them again and what better way to test their tyrannical ingenuity than testing it on the guy who nearly destroyed the world after making it into a utopia? It's bullshit, but it's pragmatic bullshit and shows that Gillen is actually putting some thought into this issue. If only Avengers vs. X-men had been that logical.

And since Avengers vs. X-men gave readers even more reasons to want to see Hope Summers horribly tortured in ways that only Todd Akin would approve of, an aftermath book wouldn't be complete without reinforcing that hatred. Now that Hope has fulfilled her destiny and helped re-power the mutant race (exactly as Cyclops predicted no less), what's left for her? What the fuck does she do? Captain America and the Scarlet Witch (who Hope punched in the nose no less), come to her to ask that very question. She basically says she wants to live a normal life. That's right. This bratty little cunt who ditched the X-men after they did everything to save her ass and didn't bat an eye when one of them was thrown in jail just wants to say "Fuck it, I'm done with this." It would be like Jesus saying, "Fuck this, I'm going to a Roman orgy." Again, you want another reason to hate Hope Summers? Well there you go. Now excuse me while I fantasize about taking a shit on her grave.

Not only that, we find out that Cable was MIA from Avengers vs. X-men because he just fucking left. After X-Sanction, he did absolutely nothing to affect Avengers vs. X-men despite having insight into the future. He left Hope a note, but all it said was "Don't come looking for me you little brat. I've had enough of your shit." Okay, so maybe it was nicer than that, but it would be completely understandable. While this feels like a complete omission, it's worth pointing out that Marvel already announced that Cable would be part of a new X-Force book and that his activity or lack thereof during Avengers vs. X-men would be explained in that book. So while it may have been glossed over here, Marvel hasn't swept that shit under the rug and called it burnt bacon.

Another issue aside from Hope being an even bigger bitch is the rest of the Extinction Team. At the end of Avengers vs. X-men, only Cyclops and Emma Frost were taken into custody. The rest of the team including Colossus, Magik, Danger, Magneto, and Namor are still unaccounted for. So the Avengers have been taking breaks from being complete assholes in the face of victory to try to hunt them down. Whether by karma or incompetence, they've failed every step of the way. There's a nice scene with Iron Man and Captain America attacking what they think is Magneto's location. But it turns out it's just another dead end. You have to assume that somewhere Magneto is watching and waving his dick at them while laughing his ass off.

Because of this inability to find the Extinction Team and the prospect of having to deal with a new mutant population, Captain America tries to get some more help out of Wolverine, who is still an embittered drunk. This is another instance where Gillen ties this book with Uncanny Avengers very nicely. It takes place after the funeral scene that was so poorly depicted, but the funeral is secondary to this scene. The main issue is Captain America trying to convince Wolverine to help the Avengers hunt down the Extinction Team. That, unfortunately, means him trying to convince Cyclops to help them. Because for some reason, Captain America thinks Cyclops can be convinced to turn on his teammates after the Avengers have treated him like shit and thrown him into a private prison whose warden has probably sucked half the dicks in Congress. He might as well try to convince Wolverine to go vegan because he says no and isn't polite about it, which helps make up for him being such a massive douche as of late...somewhat.

But there's another little twist to Captain America's visit. While discussing with Wolverine the difficulty he's been having in tracking down the Extinction Team, he mentions that he suspects someone on their side is helping them avoid capture. He just refuses to believe that the same team that shot the Phoenix with a giant gun and split it into five pieces is too incompetent to track down a bunch of wayward heroes/villains. Go figure. But Captain America points out that the longer the Extinction Team remains free, the more people are going to shit their pants over this new surge of mutants. He's not wrong even if he is an asshole, but it does open the door to another plot twist. Who could the traitor be? Who would still help Cyclops's team at this point when the Avengers have labeled him the worst human being since Hitler sodomized Doom? There isn't a hint as to who it could be, but it definitely opens the door to some intriguing stories.

The intrigue must have gotten to Wolverine because despite telling Captain America to fuck off when he asked him to talk to Cyclops, Wolverine goes behind his back and pays Cyclops a visit in jail. It's not a very jaw-dropping moment. But at least Wolverine brought beer with him so that earns him points in my book. Perhaps he's also interested in who the traitor is that's helping the Extinction Team or for all we know he is the traitor because he's finally realized what a douche he's been. But that shit would just be too awesome for Marvel to come up with. Wolverine is already pissed off at Cyclops for being able to put his penis inside Jean Grey for so long. This visit can only be another way for him to give Cyclops the finger before his cell mate does worse.

In terms of consequences, this issue wasn't so much a lesson as it was an insight into what consequences one could expect if the world were run by Donald Trump. By that I mean ex-spouses hate each others' guts and the people with power and influence determine who the true victim is. This issue expanded somewhat on what Uncanny Avengers did in that it showed how shitty Cyclops's situation has become. He went from sharing a bed with Emma Frost to sharing a jail cell and keeping his asshole clenched at all times. It also shows just how big an asshole Captain America and the Avengers are when it comes to victory. They'll give their enemies a fancy cell that doesn't involve shock collars, but when one of their hero buddies goes crazy with power and isn't named Wanda Maximoff they get sent to a private prison where shit like torture and sodomy aren't frowned upon. It makes for a lousy message and it does hurt the comic in many ways because like Uncanny Avengers it essentially ignores circumstances and double standards in the same way creationists ignore fossils.

That's not to say there weren't some good moments. One thing that this comic did that Uncanny Avengers didn't was give a sense of progression from the end of Avengers vs. X-men to the aftermath. Kieron Gillen addresses lingering issues from the event like the whereabouts of the Extinction Team, how the world is going to handle a massive influx of new mutants, and the new partnership between the X-men and the Avengers. Even though Avengers vs. X-men sucked and plenty of details were still ignored, you at least get a sense from this issue that Marvel is trying to address them as best they can. But since Avengers vs. X-men was supposed to be their best as well, that's probably not saying much.

Overall, Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 does partially succeed in exploring the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men. It only fails in glossing over certain plots like Cable and providing yet another reason for readers to wish Hope dies a horrible, horrible death. Everything else from the dialog to the art to the general pacing of the story is solid. It's not Kieron Gillen's best, but it is more readable and more enjoyable than Uncanny Avengers. That's still not saying much so I give this issue a 3.5 out of 5. If you're going to teach your kids about consequences, this is not the kind of issue to use as a guide. But if you're going to teach them how to follow-up a shitty story and why men like Donald Trump should never be in charge, this will do the job. Nuff said!