Fan Expo: ANOTHER All New X-men Cover Mystery

It goes without saying that Marvel loves to tease the shit out of their fans when a new series comes along that they know will make a fuckton of money and inspire a fuckton of variants. It also goes without saying that the motivation for this teasing isn't entirely predicated on just watching fans react and laughing their asses off behind the scenes while they plan to snort imported caviar off the ass of a teenage stripper. Keyword entirely. I've cited numerous instances on this blog where a cover turned out to be a complete ruse. Remember this shit?

May we pause for a moment while Jean Grey fans relive this terrible memory?

But sometimes a cover sparks an outcry without being a ruse if you can believe that. Sometimes the cover partly spoils the end of a big event. Other times it creates another mystery that has fans scratching their heads with intrigue and frustration. When that scratching starts chipping away at the skull, then Marvel knows they're onto something.

That brings me to All New X-men #1. I've already made two blog posts on this cover since Marvel started leaking them. One was just to admire the sight of Jean Grey and the Original Five gracing the cover of an actual 616 book again. The other added a new wrinkle to the teasing in the same way that a prostate massage adds a new wrinkle to a happy ending at a massage parlor. I won't review all the twisted conspiracy theories that the Rachel Grey look-a-like on that cover has incurred, mostly because I don't want to overshadow the 9/11 truthers or the birthers. But I will gladly spark a new round of conspiracy theories just because I think the sober world is too damn boring and needs something to mix some shit into the pot of awesome.

At this past week's Fan Expo, there was more teasing than Tijuana topless bar. Most of it was pretty standard, but then Marvel saw fit to reveal yet another All New X-men cover. This one may or may not have spoiled the outcome of AvX and sparked yet another conspiracy theory.

Suck it, Loose Change!

Let's start with the obvious. If this cover isn't bullshit, it basically reveals that all those teases about Cyclops and Emma fighting in AvX were bullshit yet again. Since they're standing to close and on the same team, they clearly haven't broken up or anything. So all that fighting in AvX is probably going to amount to jack shit yet again. I've ranted about it so many times before. Cyclops and Emma have become the same sacred cow that Marvel often criticized when Cyclops was with Jean Grey. They won't do dick about jack about squat with this relationship. They're not romantic. They're not affectionate. They're just a few witty remarks and bed scenes. Again, how is that any different than a fucking Two and a Half Men rerun? If these two are supposed to be the X-men's most passionate couple, why do they have the depth of a fucking porno while Northstar and Kyle get more emotional in one fucking issue before getting married? I seriously don't know what the fuck Marvel is doing with these two anymore. Are they just together because they want to see two attractive people fuck? Maybe they haven't heard, but there's this thing called the internet and most comic readers are smart enough to download a billion pictures of attractive people fucking onto their smart phones.

Since Namor isn't even in the picture, that pretty much reveals that he's not going to be in the X-books anymore and therefore he won't be causing any tension between Cyclops and Emma anymore. Hell, he was the only source of tension between these two and even that wasn't much to begin with. Now with a young Jean Grey coming back, there seems to be absolutely no room for drama. If Cyclops is still just bedding Emma, there's really not much room for Cyclops to do much other than say "Fuck, there's the teenage girl I used to bone. Oh well. I've got someone else now."

But I digress. My outrage with the Cyclops/Emma relationship is probably better explored once Marvel once again does jack shit with it in AvX. The other part of the promo that will probably get many a panties into many a nots is that odd looking guy next to Emma. Unlike the Rachel Grey look-a-like, there's not much of a hint as to who he is. He doesn't have red hair and green eyes so that really narrows it down. But for some reason, he's in the background and not a single clue has been given. That means human nature must by default create some wild conspiracy theory to fill the void because waiting for the explanation is for pussies.

I have my theory. I believe that character is a young Bishop. He's been MIA since before Second Coming. Marvel could have killed him beforehand, but they didn't. Instead, they left him in the future. And since Cable came back in X-Sanction, Bishop has no excuse. We already know that All New X-men will involve time travel and that is sort of Bishop's thing. So why not? Or maybe a better question is if that is him, why the hell does he look like he should be working as a cashier at Wal Mart? Whatever the case, it's clearly linked because this cover links up with the others.

They ALL look so pissed.

I'm sure Marvel will tease the shit out of this moving forward. Just as I'm sure I'll have plenty more to rant about regarding Marvel's shitty handling of the Cyclops/Emma relationship. But so long as they keep fucking with fans and I have a steady supply of booze, that means I'll have plenty to write about on this blog! Nuff said.