Uncanny X-Force #31 - Upbringing Awesome

I strongly believe that every child goes through a phase in their live when they're a complete sociopath. When I was 12-years-old, I went to school with this guy we'll call Dip Shitforbrains. Now I had known Dip since grade school. We weren't exactly close, but we grew up in the same neighborhood and stole pornos from the same hobo. For the most part, he was a normal snot-nosed kid. Then for a few years in middle school, he was a complete and utter douche. He would spit on your lunch, take a piss on your locker, and wipe his ass with your homework while smiling from ear to ear. He knew he caused the people around him pain and utter rage, but it didn't bother him in the slightest. I don't know what happened to Dip. I know he eventually got his ass kicked by some girl's brother who also happened to be a football player. I'm not sure how much he fucked him up, but let's just say his ass tensed every time someone dropped a book on the floor.

So what happens to a kid when they're already destined to be a douche-bag? That's the question that Rick Remender has been exploring in Uncanny X-Force. The first arc ended with a memorable moment that included an insanely creepy kid version of Apocalypse that still haunts my dreams and kills my boner whenever I watch a Friday the 13th movie. Well despite being shot in the head, Fantomex attempted to turn that creepy kid into someone who could contribute more than simply being a tyranical mutant douche. He seemed to succeed to an extent because that kid became Genesis and enrolled at the Jean Grey Institute where he was no less creepy Broo or Husk when she's trying to bone Toad. But a new Brotherhood of Mutants is trying to undo all of Fantomex's hard work and they got off to a great start by killing his ass via an underwear clad Mystique. Hey, even if he failed at reforming Apocalypse, you can't say the man didn't die respectably.

The previous issue of Uncanny X-Force basically explored what would happen if you let my old school buddy, Dip, hang out with Charles Manson for an entire summer. The Brotherhood, namely Sabretooth and Daken, abducted Genesis and began the arduous process of making him the asshole he was destined to be. They tormented him throughout the issue by putting him in moral dilemmas like forcing him to kill Sabretooth while he wiped the floor of a gas station with the blood of innocent people (and probably used it as anal lube with Daken afterward). That didn't work as well as they hoped, but they probably got some boners out of it so I doubt it was a total loss. They were still able to expose the truth to Genesis, revealing that his whole life had been an illusion ripped off from the Superman movie. Now they have to see if that's enough to turn him into an asshole.

Uncanny X-Force #31 once again shows that Marvel is willing to give the finger to Stephen Hawkings and the entire space time continuum by flash forwarding to the future. In the span of a mere three hours, readers are led to believe that Genesis will don his Apocalypse gear and start tormenting X-Force for making his entire life a bigger lie than George W. Bush's war record. The world is in ruin. Wolverine has once again been burned to a crisp and Psylocke looks dead. This could be a flash forward or it could just be Deadpool hallucinating again. Either way makes it a pretty awesome scene.

The present isn't quite as ominous, but just as urgent. After being absent for a full issue in Uncanny X-Force #30, X-Force returns from yet another apocalyptic future. They arrive in the ruins of Cavern X, which was blown up courtesy of the Brotherhood and Ultimaton. Given how many times the Xavier Institute has been blown up over the years, I hate to think what their insurance premiums are. But Deathlok shows up to say he'll take care of Ultimaton in case it gets any ideas. That allows X-Force go after the Brotherhood. Along the way they get a very angry call from a very angry Beast, who was present when Genesis got abducted. Now I find it odd that he's so pissed at Wolverine for getting Genesis caught up in X-Force's bullshit when he saw fit to fucking jump ship on Cyclops when he was running X-Force, but I've sense developed a tolerance to Beast's hypocrisy. May that overgrown furball get jizz in his hair that never comes out.

From one ugly create, we go to the complete opposite end of the spectrum to the kind of creature that even beast's want to bone. I'm talking about Mystique of course. Recently, she killed Fantomex by first fucking him and then poisoning him. Because to kill a man without getting her pussy wet first for Mystique is like going to a strip club for the food. Now she's celebrating by boning Sabretooth, the guy Wolverine hates the most. You have to believe she's soaked more than one pair of panties in this arc and even if you utterly despise Sabretooth, you can't help but envy the guy.

He and Mystique have a little post-romp chat about how they think Wolverine isn't dead. Given their history with the guy, they're wise to work under the assumption he's still alive. But Mystique never settles for screwing over one man. That's actually not as hot as it sounds because she reveals that she also joined the Brotherhood to kill Shadowking. So killing Fantomex and Wolverine just isn't enough for her. She needs to kill the guy who killed Destiny while she's at it. She may be a sexual deviant, but you can't say she's also not good at multi-tasking. What kind of revenge involves revenge killing and orgasms, you ask? The awesome kind! That's what!

But while Mystique is doing some subtle plotting in between orgasms, the bigger plot for the Brotherhood is still unfolding. At the end of the previous issue, Genesis learned that his entire life was a lie. It was just some illusion ripped off from Superman movies, courtesy of Fantomex. Since Daken and Skin Man haven't done enough to qualify for the child abuse award of the century, Skin Man decides to fuck with him even more by pretending to be Fantomex. This only torments Genesis further. And then Daken tempts him to get revenge on all the liars and hypocrites by dawning his Apocalypse armor. Now I'm not sure if Daken is somehow also flirting with the kid. Daken has already shown before that he's willing to fuck anyone for any reason. Pedophilia for him sounds like just another hobby, but I'm assuming someone at Marvel had a bad experience with a priest so I doubt they'll go that far.

Once they've sufficiently piled onto Genesis's trauma, they meet up with Shadowking and the Omega Clan. Along the way, Sabretooth does some encouraging to Daken as well. He essentially points out that Wolverine gave several hundred more fucks about this kid than he ever did about him. He also points out that Wolverine is just another killer, but somehow gets to parade around as a big hero with the Avengers and the X-men. And the saddest part is he has a point. Wolverine's track record has more blood on it than a junkyard of used tampons. Yet he's never held accountable while they're hunted. There's a strong message there and one that shows the Brotherhood actually does have motivations beyond being douche-bags. That and boning Mystique is probably an awesome plus.

But Mystique, as hot as she is and as tempting her pussy may be, is always plotting. After a nice hot shower scene that should have plenty of dicks crashing through the roof, she muses at how she intends to turn Genesis against Shadowking after he's done with Wolverine. Because again, she's the kind of sadistic bitch that loves to multi-task and she finds a way to look sexy along the way. But she already told Sabretooth about this and you can't expect that asshole to keep his mouth shut. So he somehow finds a way to not be tempted by her wet, naked body to take her aside to chat. He talks about how they need a plan in case someone like Shadowking screws them over. It sounds like an ominous hint of foreboding. And it is, but in a much more awesome way than you think.

Once again, Rick Remender finds a way to fuck with the minds of the readers. At times, he's fucked with them in ways that couldn't be matched without shoving a dick into your eye socket. In a story about shape shifters, telepaths, and French douche-bags with deception powers it's to be expected. Yet for some reason I'm still shocked when it's revealed that Sabretooth isn't Sabretooth in this scene. He's actually X-Force and Psylocke somehow found a way to mind-fuck Mystique in a way that didn't give her an orgasm. Well, at least not one we can tell.

By mind-fucking Mystique, X-Force is able to catch up on what they've been doing to Genesis. They quickly conclude that the Brotherhood has acted with their usual efficiency in fucking with the minds of innocent children. So now it appears Genesis is poised to become Apocalypse again. It essentially takes them back to the first arc of Uncanny X-Force where they had to wrestle with the notion of killing kid Apocalypse before he grew into the tyrannical mutant asshole they all knew and despised. Again, it's not an easy dilemma to confront...well, for some people I guess.

Remember how Fantomex was the guy that just said "fuck it" and decided that shooting a kid between the eyes was okay if you knew he was going to turn into an asshole? Well this time, Deadpool reaches that conclusion in his twisted mind. Of all the murderous members of X-Force, it makes sense that the most mentally unstable guy to come to a conclusion like that. So while X-Force is in the midst of a heated morality dilemma, Deadpool runs off and confronts Genesis as he's preparing to don his Apocalypse armor. It makes for such an awesome scene. The only bad part is that this is where Remender ends the comic. It's like losing power while watching a porno. It's so frustrating that you had the power company almost as much as your dick hates you.

Following Uncanny X-Force is a lot like following a hot chick minus the restraining order. Everything she does seems to give you a boner. Rick Remender has shown a remarkable talent for not just telling awesome stories, but making them flow in a logical, coherent way. As someone who is only coherent for so many hours of the day, I know the value of it. The events of the last issue really didn't involve X-Force that much. It was essentially a story that established what the Brotherhood was doing and didn't skimp on the details. Well those details along with what happened with X-Force in the future link up here in yet another coherent way. And once again, Remender finds and awesome way to tie the events of his first arc to this current arc. List for me other comics that do a better job and I'll go to an AA meeting sober.

Remender has always made every drop of ink count in Uncanny X-Force. However, this is one issue where it feels like he just ran out of ink. It started with a compelling view of the future that showed just how much X-Force fucked up by killing kid Apocalypse. But by the end we didn't come full circle. Granted, the stage was set for Genesis to become Apocalypse. The stage was also set for Deadpool to do only the 10th craziest thing he's ever done. The connection is clear, but we just don't get to see it through. It gives the impression that this comic ended too soon. Don't get me wrong. It's still pretty fucking awesome. It just doesn't feel as complete as other issues of this series.

Even if it doesn't feel complete, the insight into the Brotherhood's plot as well as the overtly titillating moments with Mystique make this comic more than worthy of it's awesome legacy. The twist with Mystique, the ultimate deceiver, being deceived herself, was just the extra shot of vodka in the coffee. Any time a comic shows Mystique naked and Deadpool doing something crazy within the same story you know that shit is special. The prospect of seeing Mystique naked again and seeing how X-Force handles Genesis makes the next issue all the more compelling. I give Uncanny X-Force #31 a 4.5 out of 5. Once again, a kid has a gun to his head and Mystique is getting screwed over in only the most awesome ways. Seriously, if this isn't awesome enough for you, you're either in serious withdraw or you're Donald Trump. Either way, you need serious help. Nuff said!