Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #16

Maybe I’m a heretic in the world of sports, but I believe we should allow steroid abuse in sports. And not because I’m one of these uber-libertarian hippies who think people should be free to pump their bodies full of toxic chemicals. Don’t get me wrong. I support that right, but I kind of like having publicly funded hospitals and fire fighters. But I just think it would be a lot more entertaining to watch a bunch of overly aggressive muscle-headed behemoths beat the shit out of each other. I mean who really wants to see a couple of undersized Tim Tebow types slap fight? Anyone who enjoys the superpowered brawls in comics can’t deny the appeal. And Uncanny Avengers has already had plenty of brawls. It’s like steroids mixed with Superman’s jizz. It has made for some beautiful and messy moments. The Apocalypse Twins are now on the brink of success and a few notable X-men and Avengers have paid the ultimate price. But fuck if it isn’t entertaining. That’s the standard I’ll be emphasizing with Uncanny Avengers #16. With the Apocalypse Twins kicking so much ass, the Uncanny Avengers will just have to kick even more ass than usual.

Even so, they sure could use some backup. And that backup was actually amassed a few issues ago by Kang in the future. He did a little universe hopping to find some alternate versions of Marvel heroes and villains who might have a problem with the future being utterly fucked. But they’re still stuck in the future because of the goddamn temporal dam that the Apocalypse Twins have put up. They work smart, not hard when it comes to kicking ass. But these guys have been doing nothing but sitting on their asses, watching as time literally fucks itself into oblivion around them. It makes this side-plot feel annoyingly stagnant, as if it’s only there to remind readers who kill too many brain cells in their spare time that it still exists. I guess in that sense, I should be thankful.

No illicit drugs are necessary to understand the sheer scale how fucked the world is. Thanks to the Apocalypse Twins outright murdering a Celestial, Earth is now literally under the boot of Exitar, the Executioner, which I’ve decided is the new name for my penis. This sort of shit is hard not to notice. I imagine it would be trending on Twitter pretty damn quickly, although probably not as much as the Superbowl. And for the Avengers who aren’t part of this battle, they’re scrambling for a way to save the planet from being a chunk in Exitar’s shit.

While Tony Stark and everyone else with a 300-plus IQ debate how they’re going to defy a fucking space god, Wasp lets them know that they do have backup waiting. She just needs to knock out that temporal dam that the Apocalypse Twins have put up. She also tells them that if that’s still not enough to stop Exitar, then Thor is going to use the same mystical axe that the Twins used against another Celestial to kill this one. It sounds like a reasonable plan, if that’s even possible when dealing with Exitar. But that’s enough about my penis.

The seeds of this shit storm began when Thor got drunk, picked a fight with Apocalypse, and used Jarnbjorn to win. Well now he’s perfectly sober and even more pissed off. And on top of that, the Apocalypse Twins have spent a good deal of time and energy tormenting Captain America, who happens to be one of Thor’s closest friends. They couldn’t have goaded him more without claiming to have boned Sif.

So these two really have gone the distance in terms of pissing off a fucking demigod and given their recent track record, the Apocalypse Twins have every reason to be confident. That doesn’t make Thor’s menacing threats to them any less badass. That turns that confidence I just mentioned into a special breed of stupidity. For once, it looks like the fight will be even. I can only see this situation being more awesome if it took place at a bar in Ireland.

Once Thor frees Captain America and returns his shield, they each pick and Apocalypse Twin and attack. I don’t know how they determined who would get who. I didn’t see them flip a coin. But it turns into the kind of one-on-one, demigod vs. demigod style brawl that hippie douchebags are trying to eliminate from football and hockey. Thor takes his battle into space while Captain America keeps his inside the ship. It’s makes for some nice variety in these battles, yet each still packs plenty of firepower. It’s the kind of visceral battle that feels more satisfying than eating a pound of bacon off Jessica Alba’s ass.

It may be shallow and I’m not going to apologize if it is. I’m a drunk and drunks are easily entertained by this kind of action. How else can the success of the NFL be explained? But beyond the action, it also helps provide some balance to a series that has distinguished itself by having plenty of it. Uncanny Avengers has had its share of emotional and personal moments. It also has had its share of epic battles. It’s the way they complement each other that makes this series so special and the battle between Cap, Thor, and the Apocalypse Twins is a perfect example of this.

While the battle in space is well matched, every other hero on Earth tries to contribute by attacking Exitar. This contributes just about as much as taking a piss into the Pacific Ocean contributes to flooding in the Philippians. I guess this shows that they gave up looking for a scientific way to stop Exitar if Thor and Wasp failed. Now they’re just going to try and fight it. I think it makes more sense to just grab the most expensive bottle of liquor within the area, drink every last drop, and let the chips fall where they may. I may get drunk, but at least I can say I’m not pissing into the wind. If it’s supposed to be their noble last stand, it’s a hollow gesture at best and a missed opportunity to get drunk at worst.

At least Wasp can say that she’s contributing in a more meaningful way. While the Apocalypse Twins are occupied with Thor and Captain America, she has finally made her way to the temporal dam that’s keeping Immortus and his forces from joining the fight. She actually could help tip the balance and she doesn’t even need a mystical weapon to do so. Plus she’s a woman. That alone should piss off the Rush Limbauh’s of the world.

But the Grim Reaper must be a Tea Party supporter because he catches up with Wasp before she can destroy the temporal dam. It’s a nice yet inconvenient reminder that the Apocalypse Twins still have horsemen and they’re not going to play fair in any battle. The Grim Reaper even taunts Wasp that the only way she’s going to stop him at this point is to kill him. Seeing as how saving the world might improve her chances of getting naked with Havok, I think that’s a pretty stupid bet.

That battle stalls while the battle against the Apocalypse Twins continues to escalate. But it’s not all just hammers, fists, and bloodlust. At some point Thor crosses paths with the body of the Scarlet Witch. It makes for a nice moment where he closes her still opened eyes and uses that as additional motivation, as if he even needed it. While it makes for a bitter reminder of all the death that this series has had in the past few issues, it also adds some emotional weight to this brawl.

Those emotions take on a different tone when Captain America struggles against the same Twin that fucked his face up with acid blasts. And since nobody fucks up the face of America except banking lobbyists from Goldman Sachs, he manages to get the better of her. And for once, he’s the one that outsmarts her by kicking her out of the ship and into the depths of space. It’s probably not enough to kill her, but it’s a great victor for Cap and America as a whole. I’m sure that somewhere out there George W. Bush is crying tears of joy.

The result of Thor’s battle is a lot less patriotic, but a lot more satisfying. He has long since past the point of giving a divine fuck. Despite claiming to do the will of the cosmos by putting the human race out of its misery, Thor says in the most badass phrase ever uttered in ye old English, “I care not.” I think that’s Asgardian for “Go fuck yourself.” And when he finally shoves Uriel into some kind of portal and listens to him bitch and moan, it’s both overdue and awesome. I don’t know where the portal came from and I honestly am too drunk to give a shit. It still is an awesome sight because it’s the first time the Apocalypse Twins have been truly pwned. It took a while and the Uncanny Avengers got humiliated on more than one occasion. But like the 2007 Patriots losing in the final two minutes of Superbowl XLVII, it’s fitting and appropriate.

With Uriel down, Thor still has to deal with Eimin. As expected, just knocking her out the air lock didn’t kill her. It only pissed her off. And now that her brother has been beaten, she’s now gives about as many fucks as Thor. So at some point she managed to grab Jarnbjorn and uses it to attack Thor. There’s still the matter of Exitar in the background. I’m not sure why it’s taking its sweet time in executing Earth, but I guess that sort of shit isn’t as easy as deleting old porn, even for space gods. At the very least, it provides an awesome backdrop for yet another epic battle. Exitar may just be waiting to see who wins because space gods just don’t get this kind of entertainment where they come from. But again, that’s enough talk about my penis.

Many recent issues of Uncanny Avengers have been very satisfying. This issue is no exception, but it’s satisfying in a very different way. This time, the Apocalypse Twins were the ones that got their asses kicked and it’s about damn time. They’ve been on such a winning streak lately that they’ve made the Uncanny Avengers look like the Cleveland Browns. Well this time they weren’t dealing with Ryan Leaf. They were dealing with Richard fucking Sherman if he had Asgardian blood. This whole issue was like a blowjob to Thor fans and why not? He’s the one that set the stage with his bar brawl with Apocalypse. It’s only fair that he set things right by using his hammer to pound shit back into place. And no, that’s not a dick joke. While plot itself didn’t progress that much, it still made for a satisfying issue. I give Uncanny Avengers #16 a 7 out of 10. So the Apocalypse Twins got their asses kicked and now a Celestial is about to get its ass kicked. Is there any ass left in the Marvel universe that isn’t sore? I doubt it. Nuff said!