Scanned Thoughts: Inferno #5

There are certain kinds of stories that are just impossible to fuck up because the premise alone is inherently awesome. That's not to say they can't be fucked up. If the Wachowskis have taught me anything since 1999, it's that there are far more ways to fuck something up than there are to make something awesome. And I'm certain if they were given control over a story that involved the X-men teaming up with the Goblin Queen to fight a demon army led by Illyana Rasputin, they'd find ways to fuck it up. But I feel comfortable in trusting Dennis Hopeless to make that story awesome.

There's a lot to love about Inferno and I'm not just talking about the Goblin Queen's obscenely revealing choice of attire. It's a story built around Colossus' struggle to save his sister from becoming the alpha and omega of demonic bitches while finding time to bang Domino on the side. It's the kind of story that I don't think Colossus fans ever thought they would get. But like getting a free blowjob from a Megan Fox on Christmas morning, it's a story that has been full of epic mutant/demon conflicts. And now, with Colossus ready to accept that there's no way to save his sister's soul from an eternity of demonic gangbanging, he's ready to finish this fight once and for all. However bad it turns out in Inferno #5, I think it's pretty safe to say that it's going to make the Goblin Queen horny at some point.

At the moment, however, I don't think any psycho bitch in Battleworld is hornier than Magik. Her demon armies have successfully invaded this realm, beat back the X-men, and forced them into the sewer. Her attack was so successful that she even managed to find the time to grab a couple of hot dogs. She couldn't have more swag at this point if she was starring in a Nike commercial with LeBron James.

Swag aside, she still can't just put her feet up and start masturbating on top of a pile of corpses just yet. One of her demon minion, minus his head, informs her that her pissed off older brother is still kicking and still has a burning desire to make her less horny and not by posting embarrassing baby pictures on Facebook either. But being so powerful and fueled by hot dogs, she's not worried. Hell, she still looks pretty damn horny.

What she doesn't know, however, is that the X-men have a new ally with which to combat her demons and her horniness. And while it's hard to think of Sinister as anyone who shouldn't show his face outside of a bad Halloween party, he does seem to be concerned about the possibility of a psychotic teenage demonic bitch destroying his world. So he meets up with the surviving X-men and offers them a chance to team up. And since their base is currently a fucking sewer, it's a chance they have to take.

The problem is that Sinister is good at being a diabolical douche-bag. He's not good at being an ally to the X-men. His contribution to this battle isn't a giant demon-killing gun or a demon plague. It's an army of Boom Boom clones. Yes, that's all he has at this point. More clones. I'm pretty sure if Spider-Man were there, he would say, "This won't end well."

It's one of those plans that sounds like it came from burned out college student who ran out of Adderall. He can't think of anything more creative so he resorts to clones. He thinks clones, combined with Colossus' soul sword, gives them a chance. I want to say it sounds reasonable, but I can still hear Spider-Man yelling in the distance, "Don't do it! It'll fuck everything up!"

And wouldn't you know it? He's right. Sinister learns once again that relying on clones is a quick and easy way to fuck everything up and I'm not just talking about bullshit retcons. He seems to forget that he's standing in the same room as Madelyne Pryor, another clone he screwed over and not in a fun way either. While not the same omega level psycho bitch that Magik has become, she's still a psycho bitch and she's not exactly fond of Sinister. So it surprised pretty much nobody when she up and attacks Sinister before he could even begin his allegiance with the X-men. And fittingly enough, she manages to end his pasty ass by turning one of his own clones against him.

This sudden turn surprises absolutely no one. Cyclops, Jean, and the rest of the X-men couldn't have been less surprised without someone telling them that Snoop Dogg got busted for weed. While it's not at all surprising that Maddie turned on Sinister, it effectively derailed the whole concept of Sinister helping the X-men fight Illyana. So anyone hoping for a final climactic battle between Magik's forces and the combined might of the X-men and Sinister should put their dicks back in their pants.

Not only does it derail their allegiance, it creates yet another problem that quickly becomes chaotic and disorganized. Like wearing a Han Solo costume to a Star Trek convention, it completely fucks up the situation. With Sinister dead, the clone army of Boom Boom attacks the X-men because that's what clone armies do. They turn on everyone and go fucking crazy. Seriously, when was the last time a clone army actually did something awesome?

This battle is nowhere near the epic struggle that unfolded in previous issues. It's not even on the same level as the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones. It has some nice visuals, but all it really does is show that the X-men are screwed. Not only do they have to battle Magik's armies. They have to battle another one of Sinister's fucked up cloning experiments. The X-men are good, but they're not that good.

And because this situation isn't fucked up enough, Magik decides to show up at the worst possible moment to screw the X-men over even more. Because why not? If you're going to be a psychotic demon bitch, why wouldn't you fuck over your enemies when they're in the process of fucking themselves? That's just common sense.

She unleashes her demon minions into this unfolding clusterfuck, making everything even more disorganized. The X-men fight, but they basically get lost in the clusterfuck, as often happens in the case of clusterfucks. There's no epic struggle with them. We don't see who lives, who dies, and who escapes. We're kind of just left to assume that they've all been horribly maimed by demons. It's a shitty assumption to make, especially when it's effectively glossed over because of the extent of said clusterfuck. But that's pretty much all we're left with and that's pretty damn disappointing.

One detail that doesn't get glossed over, thankfully, is Colossus' dedication to ending his sister's demonic ass. It took him way too fucking long to realize over the course of this series that his sweet little sister is beyond saving. She let a demon gangbang her soul and there's no coming back from that. Now, he has to be the one to stop her and he's got a big fucking sword with which to do it. So he has the tools, the incentive, and the hot girlfriend on the side in Domino. He should be able to end this. Right?

Well, it would've been an even bigger clusterfuck if it had been that simple. The battle that unfolds is not nearly as chaotic. It's very visceral and personal, one that has all the details of a climactic final clash. It's like Darth Vader vs. Luke Skywalker if Darth Vader was a demon bitch with nice tits and Luke Skywalker wasn't some puny lightweight with an oversized glow stick for a weapon. Colossus has a big fucking sword and big fucking muscles. That makes for a pretty awesome battle.

And despite his muscles and having a big fucking sword, he still can't finish off his sister at first. She still fucks with his mind and his heart in a way that only a psycho demon bitch could. It's a harsh moment, but one that maintains the strong emotional undertones that have fueled Colossus' story since this series began. He still loves his sister, even though she's become a demon-loving psycho bitch. Ending her psychotic ass isn't like turning the garden hose on a couple of Mormons.

Colossus eventually manages to see through Magik's ruse and her fucking with his heart. He starts going in for the kill, but even that isn't enough. Magik isn't just good at taking a big steaming piss on the emotions of her enemies. She's also fast, powerful, and enjoys tormenting her enemies way too fucking much. Colossus tries to get in a few kill shots. He even stops hesitating. But Magik manages to brush it off and put him in a position to end his metal ass once and for all. Chances are, she'll pleasure herself with pieces of his corpse just as an added fuck you. It's a tough moment for Colossus, but he's dealing with a crazy psycho demon bitch. There's no shame in getting overwhelmed at times.

It only finally turns against Magik when she gets too horny for her own good and decides to go after Domino, who enters the battle in an effort to help her man. That makes her both an awesome girlfriend and an easy target. Magik, deciding that jerking off on one corpse just isn't enough, tries to end Domino first. Colossus doesn't appreciate this. It's one thing for his sister to be a powerful demon-loving psycho bitch. It's quite another for her to fuck with the woman he's currently banging.

This leads to the final moment where Magik's panties are dried forever. Before she can end Domino and lick up Colossus' tears, he uses the soul sword to fucking cut her in half. And no, that's not me making another porno joke. That's actually what happens. He uses that big fucking sword to cut Magik in fucking half. Darth Vader only lost an arm. Magik got cut in fucking half. There's just no contest is what I'm saying.

And considering the unapologetic demonic rampaging that she's done, Magik's defeat is extra satisfying. It's probably one of the most satisfying moments involving demons that don't one clawing out of Donald Trump's chest. It's the end of an emotional struggle for Colossus. He wanted to save his sister. He accepted she couldn't be saved and had to be the one that killed her. I think the big guy has earned both respect and a hot girlfriend.

That's exactly what he gets in the end. He and Domino share a nice moment. I'm sure if the original Boom Boom wasn't present, they would've boned right then and there. They end up just getting the fuck out of there, hopefully finding a better place to fuck overall. Boom Boom says that all the demons and the X-men are dead. We don't get any further details about that, nor do we know the extent of the battle that took place. While that oversight is disappointing, it's none-the-less fitting that Colossus finishes his mission and is able to escape with a friend and sexy girlfriend by his side. It's not the happiest of endings, but who can expect such an ending in a story that involves crazy demon psycho bitches?

Speaking of psycho bitches, one of them does end up getting a happy ending. It's not the same happy ending most get in a Thai massage parlor, but it's close. Madelyne Pryor and toddler Cable somehow managed to survive the clusterfuck earlier because of course they did. Psycho bitches, especially those that look good in thongs, tend to survive. And with Magik dead and Colossus ditching this wasteland of a world, she figures the power of the Darkchilde is up for grabs. Since a psycho bitch rarely lets that kind of tormenting power go to waste, she takes it for herself. And Cable, being the wide-eyed toddler, just thinks it's cool. I usually don't agree with toddlers on issues that don't involve ice cream, but I agree with him here. Madelyne does look pretty damn cool as the new demon queen. So in the end, she got what she wanted and probably got pretty damn horny as a result.

Anyone who has seen or read the spoilers of Old Yeller had a pretty good idea of how this was going to end. But unlike Old Yeller, nobody is going to get choked up over seeing Colossus disembowel his demon-loving bitch sister, especially after she laid waste to an entire realm and slaughtered the X-men. If anything, seeing Colossus end her demonic ass was the most satisfying part of the story. It was still an emotional clusterfuck for Colossus, having to kill his sister. But in the end, it had to be done and he got to do it while banging Domino on the side. That's a win if ever there was one.

While Colossus got the win and the hot girl, the rest of the details were a more classic clusterfuck. Sinister's contributions to the story after his unexpected arrival at the end of the previous issue ended up contributing jack shit. And the contributions of the rest of the X-men ended up being jack shit as well as they got wiped out off-panel. There was no last stand or chaotic battle. It's not like Brett Ratner was directing it either. It just got glossed over and like depictions of Jennifer Lawrence's ass, that's just not something you can gloss over.

The emotional component of the story succeeded and that was the most important part. But every other part was disorganized to the point of being fucked up and not in the classic Deadpool way either. At the very least, the story did not lose sight of its main priorities. That's something the Brett Ratners of the world can rarely claim. It's just the little things that it missed and like watching pixilated porn, it's not nearly as satisfying. I still give Inferno #5 a 7 out of 10. Colossus got to slay a demon queen and make out with a hot woman. I'm pretty sure that makes him the most badass Russian who never starred in a Rocky movie. Nuff said!