Civil War II: X-men #1: Nuff Said!

Let's not beat around the bush or get all JFK here. The X-men are fucked. There's no conspiracy about it. They really are more fucked than a two-dollar whore. Thanks to the movie rights and the shit head lawyers who enforce them, it's safe to assume that the X-men will always be fucked, no matter what the circumstances. That extends to Civil War II. How could it not? It centers around a fucking Inhuman. So yes, the X-men will be fucked in every hole and possibly a few new holes. However, that doesn't mean Civil War II: X-men #1 can't be awesome. It just means that it can only be awesome in the context of the X-men being fucked.

Within this context, there are those content to sit on the fences and wait for the shit storm to pass. It's a dick move, but it's also uncomfortably smart. It's also a good survival skill for those not used to fighting killer robots. A bunch of rich mutant douche-bags in Dubai understand this so they've sealed themselves off in a building, stocked up on overpriced wine and caviar, and are prepared to wait it out while the X-men wade through the shit. Yes, they're douche-bags, but they're smart douche-bags. Like shitty CEOs who still manage to get paid after being fired, they can laugh all the way to the bank and whatever private island they happen to own.

I'm guessing Magneto and his team of renegade X-men are Bernie supporters because they decide to barge right in on this douche-bag party, carrying a bunch of poor mutants who don't own yachts along the way. The rich asshole mutants are understandably concerned that these poor mutants might track dirt on their oriental rugs and eat all their caviar, but unlike Bernie, Magneto is a bit more convincing with his arguments. There's no Hillary Clinton to protect them this time.

As these rich mutants are trembling in their Italian shoes, they find out that their dick move of a plan to wait out the shit storm has a huge fucking flaw. It turns out the servants they have serving their food, pouring their wine, and cleaning their toilets are sentinels in disguise. Honestly, I'm a little conflicted here. Killer robots or rich douche-bags? Which is worse? I am not sober enough to figure that out.

Just like that, the rich mutant assholes are glad that Magneto and his team came barging in on their little bunker. He and his X-men fight these sentinels in a brief, but intense battle. They're more than equipped to handle a few sentinels and they didn't need a bunch of rich assholes to pay them. Bet none of their butlers would ever give them that.

The problem is this battle is taking place within a confined area, just as a cloud of Inhuman farts descends over the city. So all the Sentinels have to do is break a window. A kid with a baseball bat and a shitty batting stance can do the same. Just break a window and let the Inhuman farts do the rest. Again, it's a dick move, but it's smart. Can't remember the last time I said that about a killer robot and I've seen every Terminator movie.

Magneto and his X-men look fucked even more than they're used to. That's when they get a lucky break from the Extraordinary team. For some reason, they're in the neighborhood and offer a hand. They help protect the innocent mutants, destroy the sentinels, and protect them from the Inhuman fart cloud. It's a friendly gesture to their fellow mutant. That or they're just bored on a Sunday afternoon. When they live in a fucking demon realm, I imagine that happens a lot.

There's some decent action. Nothing as epic as Wolverine in a drinking contest with Thor, but still plenty enjoyable. It's a very simple, very basic act for the X-men. They protect innocent mutants and try not to get screwed worse than they already are. The fact that nobody ends up dead off-panel, sterilized, or time-displaced is a victory in and of itself.

Within this battle, there are also a few solid character interactions. Psylocke and Nightcrawler have a nice reunion. It acts as a reminder of sorts that the Extraordinary team and the Uncanny team operate very differently from one another. They haven't really interacted much since Secret Wars ended and Cyclops became more evil than Comcast's technical support. So this is kind of an overdue moment, but it comes together nicely and Cullen Bunn handles the interactions well. At the very least, he shows that both teams are united in their efforts to protect innocent mutants.

Some interactions fall a bit flat though. Old Man Logan and Sabretooth actually interact in this battle. Usually when Sabretooth and any version of Logan interact, it's a big fucking deal. It's kind of glossed over here though. They do bark at each other, as old enemies tend to do, but not much more than that. The focus is mostly on protecting mutants and destroying killer robots, which always takes priority.

The battle eventually ends. The mutants are safe. The X-men are safe. Nobody dies, gets sterilized, or gets killed off-panel. It's a great day for the X-men and a shitty day for Brett Ratner. For a moment, it seems the X-men make it through a day without getting screwed over worse than they already are. There's still the strange matter of the Extraordinary team showing up just in time to save Magneto's team from being choked by Inhuman farts, but that sort of shit happens every time in a re-run of Superfriends. The heroes always show up in time for no reason to save the day. Can they leave at that and be happy?

Short answer, fuck no. As they're all enjoying this moment of momentary unity, Monet senses the truth. The Extraordinary team didn't just aid them because they got bored talking to demons in Limbo. They had some foresight, thanks to Ulysses. The X-men played a part in the first part of Civil War II. O5 Jean even met the newest Inhuman who made sure a Celestial didn't wipe his ass with Earth's asses. That same Inhuman gave them the warning they needed to save the Uncanny team from being poisoned by Inhuman farts. Given that the Inhumans are responsible for their current status of being way more fucked than usual, it's kind of awkward.

Thanks to Monet and Psylocke's telepathy and O5 Jean Grey's direct involvement in the events of Civil War II, Magneto's team gets a full refresher course in the events if Civil War II. They find out who Ulysses is, what he can do, and how he already managed to save the world with his power. It's kind of sobering because it means that without him, Magneto's team would've died at the hands of Inhuman farts. Short drowning in Blob's toilet, it's a bad way to go for any mutant.

It leads to a major argument between the two teams, despite having just worked so well together to save a bunch of innocent mutants. This isn't Wolverine versus Cyclops over who gets to see Jean Grey naked. This is Magneto and Storm, arguing about the merits of helping the Inhumans or letting them have an asset like Ulysses. It's a powerful argument and for once, Magneto is the more reasonable side. Yes, the man famous for villainous performances from Michael Fassbender and Ian McKellan is the more reasonable one here. Let that shit sink in for a moment.

He points out one too many valid facts. The Inhumans are responsible for the current shitty state of mutant affairs and they aren't doing jack shit to help. They're celebrated, welcomed, and subject to no killer robot attacks while mutants have to live in fucking Limbo. Now, they've got the ultimate weapon on their side, ensuring they can never be beaten. After losing one war against the Inhumans, why the fuck would any mutant want to give them a greater edge?

I'm sorry, Storm. You have a great ass, great hair, and you made me forget about Hallie Berry's performance in Catwoman, but you're wrong here. Helping the Inhumans is like giving a tax break to the Bill Gates. It's creating way more problems than it solves.

The teams part on a bitter note. Storm and her team go back to a world where they tolerate letting the Inhumans shit all over them. Meanwhile, Magneto and his team discuss what to do about this newest Inhuman. He's already seen how the Inhumans can fuck over the mutant race and still be called heroes despite it. He's more than a little uncomfortable with them having an asset like Ulysses on their side.

Again, everything he says is perfectly valid. I really don't like agreeing with Magneto this much, but he's right. There's no way around it. I'm not the only one who sees that too. In the middle of discussing how fucked they are, Nightcrawler shows up and says he's sick of being fucked over by the Inhumans as well. He'll gladly work with Magneto to help prevent mutants from being screwed any further. When Nightcrawler, a devout Catholic and a very forgiving person by nature, has had enough of the Inhumans' shit, you know the X-men are fucked.

So...is it awesome?

It sets the stage for every member of the X-men getting pissed at Magneto. That on its own is nothing new. Shit, that's the basis of no less than 75 percent of every major X-men event. However, what sets Civil War II: X-men #1 apart is that Magneto is...well, kind of right. There's nothing he says that anyone, even an omega level psychic, can disagree with. Working with the Inhumans is kind of like lubing your own asshole up in prison. No matter how shit turns out, you're fucked in the worst possible way.

It's a powerful, compelling setup for the X-men. It ties in nicely with the ongoing conflicts in Civil War II while building on the X-men's current struggles in semi-dystopian present. Sure, the X-men are still fucked. Sure, there's nothing they can do until Marvel can make more obscene profits from movie deals. That still doesn't stop Civil War II: X-men #1 from being awesome. It sets up a simple, basic clash between Magneto and the X-men. What more do X-men fans want that doesn't involve Emma Frost's tits?

Final Score: 8 out of 10