Invincible Iron Man #2: Nuff Said!

It's a new era for Tony Stark. If by new you mean he's got another new suit of armor and he's making yet another attempt to be less of an arrogant prick. By that standard, it's a new era for Tony Stark every other week. But this time, he really, really means it. Sure, he's ditched Pepper Potts and alienated damn near every friend he's ever had. He can still cry himself to sleep on top of a pile of money while banging supermodels.

But Brian Michael Bendis is doing his best to make this version of Tony Stark as charismatic and likable as Robert Downey Jr. is in real life. It's a tall, if not impossible order. He laid the foundation in Invincible Iron Man #1. He tries to build on that foundation in Invincible Iron Man #2. Does anything he build last longer than freshly painted wall in Downtown Detroit? That's what I hope to determine and I hope to do so without sobering up.

So now Dr. Doom is no longer a god. He’s no longer wearing that badass armor and cape. He now looks like a model for Jos. A Bank. And what’s Iron Man’s first instinct? Shoot him. Can’t say I blame him. Can’t say I’m surprised that Doom blocked it without breaking a sweat, courtesy of magic. He may look like an extra on Law and Order, but he’s still Doom. And he’s remarkably calm about it. He’s gone from looking evil and imposing to looking refined and well-dressed, but still evil as fuck. I say it’s an upgrade.

Tony Starks’ next instinct…attack with the Hulk Buster. All he does is ruffle up Doom’s die. Now, Tony just looks foolish and it’s entertaining as fuck. Sure, he doesn’t shoot a cosmic entity with a giant gun, but he might as well be that kid in gym class who pissed his gym shorts one day. Not gonna lie. I enjoyed this.

There’s still the matter of why the fuck Tony came to Latveria in the first place. Short of an orgy involving Emma Frost clones, there’s not much that could draw him to Latveria. But Madam Masque apparently is kicking up some shit and Doom doesn’t want to get any stains on his fancy new suit. Can’t say I blame him.

We don’t really learn much. And Tony retains what’s left of his dignity by not attacking Doom again. He opts to follow him into the ruins of his castle. I guess Doom takes pity on those who make an ass of themselves. He says Madam Masque is after some dangerous artifacts. They’re the kind that can tear the world a new asshole and on a planet that routinely attracts cosmic forces, alien invasions, and Thanos, it already has enough as it stands. So he’s going to help Iron Man. I guess if anyone is going to tear new assholes into this world at this point, it’s going to be Doom and he’s doing to do it in a nice suit, damn it.

Enter the Wand of Watoomb. It sounds the Voodoo name I would give to my penis. It’s a painfully generic mystical artifact. So of course Doom has one and being the nice sociopath he is, he lends it to Tony. But there’s another and that’s the one Madam Masque is after. And he trusts Tony to take care of it. That or he’s just expecting Tony to make an ass of himself again. Either way, Doom wins.

There’s a lot more talking. We don’t learn much else other than Madam Masque stole a fake wand and Dr. Doom isn’t in a hurry to rule over Latveria again. Hell, he was a god for a while. After that, ruling over a country would be like going from drinking imported vodka to expired light beer. We really have no fucking clue what Doom is going to do now other than look good in overpriced suits. He seems content to let his country fuck itself while he watches Tony Stark make an ass of himself.

Whatever his reasons, he makes sure Tony Stark leaves with a deflated scrotum. When Tony gets all cranky and paranoid around Doom, as most reasonable people in the Marvel universe are one to do, Doom just shrugs his shoulders and teleports him across the world and in a fucking zoo no less. And he does it without breaking a sweat and with more swag than three Kanye West albums.

Not gonna lie. I enjoyed that too. And now I kind of want to read a comic about this new Dr. Doom. Marvel, if you’re reading this, get on it before Fox makes another shitty movie about it!

Finally, we get to Madam Masque. So far, she’s done nothing we haven’t seen in a shitty Robert De Niro movie, stealing fancy shit and shooting people along the way. She finds the woman who gave her the location of the Wand of Watoomb, says his info was bullshit, and she shoots her and the guy who thought he would be getting his dick wet tonight. I feel bad for the guy’s dick, but not much else.

Since there are no more people left to kill, Madam Masque decides to shower. It’s barely as sexy as it sounds. Then, being the kind of guy who sneaks up on naked women, Iron Man shows up in the room. He’s not in his armor. He’s just there to ask questions. Madam Masque is understandably pissed and wearing just a robe no less. I’m sure Tony has confronted many pissed off, minimally clothed women in his life so there’s really nothing special about this scene. Angry, half-naked women as common as hangovers, minus the fun of being drunk.

They barely talk about the people she just shot. Tony tries to ask questions as calmly as he can in front of a half-naked women. Madam Masque responds with generic bitchiness. She claims to know nothing about what’s going on with Dr. Doom. For some reason, Tony thinks this is terrifying because it means Doom might actually have told him the truth. And that’s more horrifying than Thanos on crystal meth. Can’t say I disagree. But beyond the bitching and confusion, there’s nothing all that exciting other than a beautiful woman in a bathrobe.

Eventually, Madam Masque gets pissed off enough to attack. It doesn’t work. Turns out Tony’s new armor has stealth mode because of course he does. He’s Tony fucking Stark. If he can build a giant gun to shoot the Phoenix Force, he can build a stealth suit to protect him from a pissed off, half-naked woman.

The problem is this pissed off half-naked woman has another trick. After failing to land her first punch, she does…something. It could be magic. It could be some fancy new weapon. I really have no fucking clue other than it big, flashy, and not in a Transformer movie. It’s just a generic spectacle, which pretty much sums up this comic in a nutshell…well, that and Dr. Doom looks damn good in a suit.

So...is it awesome?

Well, the new, less menacing version of Dr. Doom is pretty damn awesome. That's for sure. Everything else? Well, I'd need a more than a few joints to answer that question fully. For the sake of my lungs, I'll offer a partial answer. Yes, there is a fair amount of awesome in Invincible Iron Man #2. Granted, not a whole lot happens other than Tony Stark making an ass of himself and while he's sober no less. But there's still a story worth telling here involving Madam Masque. There are still too many blanks and nobody's going to get a raging boner waiting for the next issue. But still, it's Tony Stark making an ass of himself. Like the Indianapolis Colts special teams fuck-up last Sunday Night, some shit never gets old.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Vulnerable Invincibility: Invincible Iron Man #1

The following is my review of Invincible Iron Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Contrary to the belief of every hippie, communist, and Bernie Sanders supporter, the ultra-rich of the world have a vested interest in not destroying it. What's the point of having all that wealth and power if there's not an intact world in which to flaunt it? But unlike riots and petitions, the ultra-rich actually have the resources with which to save the world. They don't need superpowers. Sometimes, having the real-life equivalent to the infinite money cheat in Skyrim is just as good.

Tony Stark is the embodiment of this concept. He's unambiguous in his desire to save the world. He doesn't hide behind a mask like Bruce Wayne or Spider-Man. He makes saving the world part of his brand and from a pure business perspective, it's brilliant. What customer wouldn't respond to a brand that both claims to save the world and actually does more than fund Al Gore documentaries? Even if Tony Stark is an arrogant jerk, he's still an arrogant jerk who's trying to save the world.

It's the arrogant jerk part, however, that often undermines his goal and his competence. That's what makes Tony Stark such a compelling character. He's arrogant enough to flaunt his money and hook up with every stripper in Las Vegas, but he's also driven enough to use his resources to protect a world in ways that nobody else can. That imbalance has driven his story for decades and Robert Downey Jr. helped turn it into a billion-dollar boon for Marvel and Disney. Invincible Iron Man #1 probably won't make quite as much money without Robert Downey Jr. being involved, but it does offer a version of Tony Stark that's fit for any Joss Whedon movie.

Even before the events of Secret Wars, Tony was in an usual place. He found out that he is not the biological son of Howard and Maria Stark. He also pushed away his long-time assistant and friend, Pepper Potts, in a way that wasn't nearly as kind as Gweneth Paltrow's conscious decoupling. He's basically raw, like pro-bowl football player who just got cut because he screwed up off the field one too many times.

But he still has plenty of talent and potential to offer. He just needs to convince others he's still got it while not letting his arrogance get the better of him. And for a man who makes cute redheaded holographic assistants, that's a challenge.

For most of the story that plays out in Invincible Iron Man #1, Tony Stark is not in his armor. And having just created another new set, it's quite a feat for him to not take out for a test drive while the metal is still warm. Instead, he spends a good amount of time chatting with Dr. Amara Perera, a fairly run-of-the-mill beautiful female genius who sounds like a knock-off of half the female characters on CSI. While she does little to set herself apart, her conversation with Stark is pretty revealing.

It's this conversation that reveals some of Tony Stark's deeper insecurities. They talk about inventions that they dare not reveal because of the damage they would do. Unlike the inventor of the ski-mask, they know the dangers of being a genius. They can create things that a world full of non-geniuses world might not be ready for. And being able to surmise which invention won't do more harm than good takes a genius that Tony Stark simply does not possess.

Between Extremis 3.0 and the big gun that he used to fight the Phoenix Force, Tony has shown an uncanny inability to make this determination. It's his greatest vulnerability in that his genius tends to create as many problems as it solves. Creating a suit of armor that can save lives and punch Dr. Doom in the jaw is all well and good. But creating a giant gun to fight a cosmic force? That demonstrates that Tony Stark's genius has more than its share of flaws and as smart as he is, he tends to learn from it at a 4th grade level at best.

This vulnerability with Dr. Perera makes for some nice insight into Tony Stark, even if it fails to seduce her into his bed. It helps set a compelling tone for the kind of Tony Stark this series will be dealing with, namely one who can't seduce beautiful women as easily as flashing a charming smile and a wad of bills. But as compelling as this Tony Stark is, the conflicts surrounding him are less thrilling.

While Tony is enjoying his date, another sub-plot is unfolding with Madam Masque. It's as generic a sub-plot as can happen in the Marvel Universe. A well-known villain steals something valuable from a well-known location. In this case, it's Madam Masque and the well-known location is Latveria, the one-stop shop for every generic high-stakes theft. There's not much about this sub-plot to get excited about, but it is an excuse for Tony to test out his new armor so it more than serves its purpose.

Beyond that purpose, there isn't much progression with the story. Tony doesn't even get to shoot anything in his new armor, which for him is like driving a Ferrari under the speed limit on the highway. There's an effort at a shocking ending, but it feels forced. Without having much reason to care about Madam Masque or what she's doing, the only thing this conflict accomplishes is robbing Tony of a chance to score with another beautiful woman.

Even if Tony Stark does strike out in this issue, Invincible Iron Man #1 sets an intriguing tone for his character. His inherent vulnerabilities, coupled with his current situation, put him in a position where being a genius just isn't enough. No amount of genius will build around the revelations surrounding his parents or the extent to which he's alienated his friends. He's still arrogant, but he's trying to avoid instances where his genius does more harm than good. Compared to the man who invented ski-masks, he's still got a long ways to go.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Invincible Iron Man #1: Nuff Said!

What happens when Marvel’s biggest writer takes on Marvel’s most notorious billionaire, alcoholic, pussy hound, armored Avenger? That’s what Invincible Iron Man #1 attempts to answer. And as a service to comic book fans and nerdrage that sustains them, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a quick, quirky, spoilerrific rundown of what goes through the head of a drunk as he soaks in this latest effort to make billionaires more likable. So sit back, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, and follow me as I offer my own unique/fucked up interpretation of this comic. Enjoy!

So someone thought they could have a reasonable negotiation with Madam Masque and not get blood stains on the carpet. Who the fuck is that stupid? Seriously, this must be the same guy who thinks he’s friends with a Nigerian prince. He brings Madam Masque what she wants. He asks for money. She shoots him in the head. A guy dumb enough to make a deal with her deserves nothing less.

I guess we can completely throw out Superior Iron Man. The way Tony talks to himself, I guess that shit never happened. He’s eating a burger and not drinking a bottle of whiskey. Either the 8-month gap undid the inversion from AXIS or he’s already drunk and getting a head start on the hangover. If so, he’s the most productive drunk in history because he manages to make a brand spanking new suit of armor. There’s nothing special about it. The crotch bulge is a little telling. But then again, it’s not like the iPhone changes its design that much every year. That doesn’t make it any less awesome.

After he makes a brand spanking new set of armor, he goes on a date. He’s Tony fucking Stark. When he’s not building awesome suits of armor, he’s dating beautiful women and diving head-first into their panties. This beautiful woman’s name is Dr. Amara Perera. She’s apparently both beautiful and brilliant. I guess that’s standard in both the Marvel Universe and every CBS cop show ever created. She’s hot, but no hotter than any of the other women that Tony Stark bangs every other Thursday.

Tony Stark goes on a date. Madam Masque continues to shoot people who try to get in her way. Like a fat kid trying to get his candy bar back, she lets nothing stop her. She even manages to rob Stark Industries’ branch in Japan. That’s pretty brilliant because let’s face it. A supervillain crashing through a window and shooting masked ninjas isn’t even top 10 in terms of the weird shit that comes out of Japan. Look up one of their anime conventions and tell me I’m wrong.

The date with Tony and Amara is going surprisingly well. He doesn’t appear to be drunk and he hasn’t started waving his dick in her face. Instead, they actually have a serious conversation. What a fucking concept, right? They talk about how being geniuses and inventing genius shit can do more harm than good. While I doubt Dr. Perera ever tried to shoot the Phoenix Force with a giant gun, I’m pretty sure she’s created a few weapons of mass destruction during her down time. Apparently, one was a mutant cure. And she must have seen X3 because she understands how fucked up that can make everything.

It’s probably the most meaningful date that Tony Stark has been on in terms of him keeping his pants on. At one point, he does try to sneak into Dr. Perera’s panties. It doesn’t quite work. She doesn’t even let him cop a feel. I’m pretty sure Tony’s dick hates him. Then he finds out Madam Masque is on the loose and his penis gives him a pass.

He finally gets to power up his new suit of armor. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, but Robert Downy Jr. has found a way to make it seem awesome while making a fuckton of money. It gives him an excuse to ditch his date and since she wasn’t loosening her panties, why not? Fighting Madam Masque gives him something better to do with his boner.

He ends up in Latveria because I guess nobody is stupid enough to look for a criminal in Latveria. It is the anal wart of the Marvel Universe. Nobody wants to go there, but nobody can get rid of it. So of course this is where Madam Masque goes to hide. And since we still have no fucking clue what happens after Secret Wars, we’re left to assume his downfall fucked his country over.

Those assumptions are somewhat questionable because Stark does encounter someone who might be able to help. And it’s…well, it’s fucking Doom, minus the badass suit of armor. He now looks like he’s the CEO of a pharmaceutical company or a Tobacco lobbyist. Gotta say this version actually looks way more evil, assuming this isn’t a Doombot. And that’s another big fucking assumption.

So...is it awesome?

For those who hear Robert Downy Jr.’s sexy voice in every word Tony Stark says, then yes. This is a pretty awesome comic. For those who enjoy seeing Iron Man flaunt his awesome suit of armor the same way Nikki Manaj flaunts her awesome ass, not so much. Most of this comic is focused on establishing the kind of Tony Stark that Brian Michael Bendis will be dealing with here. And so far, he’s definitely an upgrade. He doesn’t come off as the kind of Tony Stark who would shoot the Phoenix Force with a giant fucking gun. He comes off as a Tony Stark who is trying not to fuck up as much as he has in the past. He shouldn’t, lest he make Robert Downy Jr. less sexy and we just can’t have that.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Inferior Superiority: Superior Iron Man #8

The following is my review of Superior Iron Man #8, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

We all have our inner demons and we all love to blame our problems on those demons. They’re right up there with alcohol and bad parenting as our top excuses for screwing up. Whereas some will blame, others will confront. Few that confront succeed and those that do have the right to say they’re superior on some levels. In many respects, Tony Stark has earned that right.

Superior Iron Man has been a case study in confronting inner demons. However, this superior version of Tony Stark doesn’t fight them. He embraces them. In his inverted state of mind, he turned those demons into a strength and he did it in a way that some of his closest friends found disturbing. This descent into a twisted brand of strength and ambition is what has made the concept of Superior Iron Man so compelling. At the same time, it has had its share of glaring flaws.

At this point in the superior Tony Stark’s story, he confronts something more daunting than his inner demons. He confronts a back-up version of himself that isn’t inverted and hasn’t become jaded by a world where bad Transformers movies make a billion dollars and Kardashians are treated as legitimate talents. This older more idealistic Tony Stark is a shadow of the man he once was. He’s supposed to be a more heroic Tony Stark. However, the conflict that emerges in Superior Iron Man #8 reveals a different dynamic that undermines the overall concept.

This concept has been built around the moral ambiguity that the inverted Tony Stark has exercised since he unleashed Extremis 3.0 on San Francisco. What he did was reckless, but not inherently evil. Like Walter White in his pre-Heisenberg days, he tried to achieve something he believed to be moral using less-than-moral tactics. The main difference in Tony’s case is that these tactics worked and without any pizzas getting stuck on any roofs.

These results put him at odds with allies like Pepper Potts, but he was able to walk that fine line that Walter White tried to walk in that he didn’t come off as overly villainous. That’s has helped give the narrative of Superior Iron Man a sense of balance, which makes for a struggle that feels more novel than just some angry employee whining about her boss. But in responding to Pepper’s tactics, the inverted Tony Stark decides to stop walking that line. In fact, he comes dangerously close to spitting on it altogether.

The tone and theme of the story is no longer about this new Tony Stark trying to further his vision. It’s now about him shoving Pepper out of the way and doing it in a way that even Donald Trump wouldn’t approve of. He resorts to using hostages and human shields, forcing Pepper and a back-up version of his non-inverted self to adjust their tactics. It’s no longer a battle of ideas or methods. It’s a battle of people who are okay with human shields and people who aren’t.

Such a shift disrupts that fragile balance that the Superior Iron Man was able to maintain in the face of so much criticism. It used to be that a part of us might be willing to go along with his vision. Who wouldn’t want to live in a city that gave them something that made them smarter, sexier, and stronger that didn’t involve quack advice from Dr. Oz? Some might be willing to live in that world where Tony Stark is a de-facto mob boss, giving them what they want so long as they pay the price.

Now even ardent communists probably wouldn’t pay the price Tony is asking. If Extremis 3.0 comes with a human shield clause in the user agreement, that’s a deal-breaker. And Tony’s willingness to exercise this part of the agreement that nobody probably read goes beyond inversion. It goes beyond reckless. It might as well be a move stolen directly out of Dr. Doom’s playbook.

That’s not to say that the theme of Superior Iron Man as a whole is shattered by this change, but it does cause a significant crack. The inverted Tony Stark still has a vision that he wants to pursue. That vision still has merits. He’s now just caught up in confronting those who stand in his way, even if they are cherished friends. But his methods for doing so lack the cunning and charm that’s supposed to come with superiority. When he resorts to bigger fancier sets of armor, he’s basically reverting to mediocrity.

Beyond Tony’s more inferior approach, there are other parts of the story that are less disruptive. Pepper’s new connection to Teen Abomination provides a solid sub-plot that doesn’t feel completely disconnected from the narrative. His presence helps make this conflict more personal for Pepper, which in turn helps her come off as more than just a whiny employee. She’s a lot easier to root for, even if she’s done a poor job of challenging Tony’s vision. She no longer comes off as some cantankerous old woman who whines about how complicated smart phones have gotten. She’s trying to stop someone from doing legitimate harm to innocent people.

It’s not a poor narrative in and of itself, but Superior Iron Man #8 does sacrifice some of the complexity and novelty that made it such an intriguing concept. If this were a game of dodge ball, everyone would be ganging up on Tony right about now. He didn’t just lose his credibility as a savvy yet morally ambiguous visionary. He threw it away, spit on it, and stepped on it. Now he may still have a plan that’s worth following that doesn’t involve human shields. But like Peter Parker trying to be a marriage counselor, Tony now has little credibility left to work with.

Final Score 5 out of 10

Aura of Superiority: Superior Iron Man #1

The following is my review of Superior Iron Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

What does it mean to be a superior hero? It’s a question that didn’t evoke any controversial answers until recently. It used to be a pretty simple process. Gauging the superiority of a hero was dependent on the response to the question, “How much like Superman is the hero in question?” Then, the Superior Spider-Man came along and the whole concept of superiority became a lot more complicated. Now, in order to be superior, it’s also necessary to be an egotistical jerk to some extent. The Superior Spider-Man raised this brand of superiority to an art form. Now Iron Man is poised to make it its own sub-genre.

The concept of superiority is rapidly changing in an era where nobody expects superheroes to be boy scouts anymore. In fact, it has gotten to the point where the Boy Scout heroes are considered the freaks in that could never be believably portrayed by Robert Downy Jr. For some reason, superiority takes a certain degree of flaws and personality disorders. I don’t know if this constitutes a new meaning for the word or denotes the need for a new word entirely, but the context was certainly there for Superior Spider-Man. Now, thanks to the events of Avengers and X-men: AXIS, it’s there in Superior Iron Man #1.

The whole premise for this new “superior” version of Iron Man is built around two concepts. The first is the tried and true method of working smart and not hard. From the earliest days of human civilization, people realized how much they hated picking food one-by-one and trying to strangle a deer with their bare hands. Naturally, creating better tools allowed them to work more efficiently to get what they want. The second part of that concept involves appealing to the sensibilities behind every successful Victoria’s Secret ad ever made. A superior hero doesn’t just save lives. A superior hero finds a way to make them better, sexier, and healthier.

It’s a concept that, on the surface, shouldn’t be so revolutionary. What good is saving the lives of the innocent if those lives don’t considerably improve? That’s like giving CPR to a deer that’s in the process of bleeding to death. Well Tony Stark noticed that no other hero has dared to try that and since he happens to be the resident billionaire/tech genius, he decides to take a stab at it. And he does it in the most shallow, self-indulgent way possible.

First, he unleashes a new version of Extremis. He doesn’t ask permission or stop to think that this might backfire on him in some horrible way. Then, he grants everybody a free app that allows them to use Extremis to make themselves beautiful, healthy, and sexy. Now everybody has the ability to look like every heavily Photoshopped model to ever appear on Cosmos. It certainly doesn’t exude the merits of a hero. It exudes the merits of every makeup commercial to ever air and Kanye West album ever made. It certainly doesn’t come off as the actions of a hero. Yet somehow, Tony Stark is able to carry it out in a way that feels both superior and awesome.

This bold new experiment isn’t just an exercise in realizing the false promises of every beauty product ever advertised. It represents an entirely new approach to being Iron Man. Tony Stark was already as respected and admired as any billionaire/superhero/Avenger could be. For most peoples’ ego, that’s more than enough. But Tony Stark needed more. By giving the people of San Francisco access to this incredible technology, he endeared himself to these people the same way anyone giving out free doughnuts would endear themselves to Homer Simpson. It creates an environment where he’s more than just a hero. He’s something that is superior in every sense of the word.

This new approach to being Iron Man still leaves room for typical Iron Man duties. When a wholly unoriginal gamma-powered villain named Teen Abomination comes along, Iron Man still deals with it like he usually would. He just does it with more style now. He doesn’t need to get his hands dirty. He can send a remote-controlled Iron Man suit into the field to do his work for him while he sips cocktails and hooks up with beautiful women. He’s like a Navy Seal and Hugh Hefner all rolled into one.

Tony Stark has every reason to call himself superior. But with superiority comes critics, as anyone who ever tried to make a well-reasoned argument on a message board knows. Pepper Potts tries to be the voice of reason for this new superior Tony Stark. The problem is that none of the arguments she makes carry much weight. She derides him for not sharing the app with more people and not considering the consequences. It may leave some to wonder if she would’ve made the same argument to whoever invented breast implants. Her perspective lacks depth whereas Tony Stark’s perspective lacks accountability.

That’s not to say her arguments are completely without merit. Some of the consequences Pepper warns of do manifest, albeit in a somewhat predictable way. But it’s Tony Stark himself who essentially vindicates Pepper’s concerns when he reveals a huge catch to this gift he’s given San Francisco. That catch, like the fine print of a user agreement on an iPhone, is that this wonderful gift is not free. Tony Stark is still a businessman and he’s basically treating Extremis like Candy Crush. He’s given the people a free trial. Now he’s going to see how badly people want to keep playing his game.

In the end, what makes Iron Man so superior in Superior Iron Man #1 has nothing to do with how he conducts himself as a hero. He’s still doing heroic deeds in protecting people from gamma-powered threats. He’s also being a good businessman, giving people a product he knows they want and charging for it in ways that would make Ayan Rand blush. It’s a superiority that’s built on a mix of cunning and ambition. He’s not just content with saving the day. He wants to make the days that come more enjoyable for the people he saves. He’s just not going to do it for free anymore. Like anyone who ever bought a cheap cell phone, Tony Stark understands that superiority in any form comes at a price.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Superior Iron Man #1

We have a very schizophrenic attitude when it comes to dealing with narcissistic douche-bags. They exhibit all the qualities we’re taught to avoid as kids. They’re selfish, they’re greedy, they’re egotistical, and they see other people as glorified meat bags. Yet for some reason, we make these people are representatives in Congress and give them their own reality show. Sure, it sometimes helps if they look sexy or have fucktons of money, but the fact we still pay attention gives them plenty of incentive to keep doing what they’re doing. In a ways, we’re partially to blame for their continued douche-baggery. But from a strictly evolutionary standpoint, this kind of narcissism does have its place. In order for someone to feed their egos and be loved to the point where they can masturbate to thoughts of how awesome they are, they kind of have to do stuff for other people. Game of Thrones has shown time and again that just being a dick is a pretty quick way to get eaten by a dragon or disemboweled at a wedding.

Tony Stark must be a Game of Thrones fan because he realized this during the events of Avengers and X-men: AXIS. Having already taken a big steaming dump on his credibility, he’s struck out on his own to try a different approach to being Iron Man. It may or may not be a result of the “inversion” spell that was cast in the battle against the Red Skull, but it has inspired Iron Man to channel his inner Steve Jobs. Now he’s prepared to turn San Francisco into his own personal Apple Store dedicated to showing how awesome he is, complete with fucked up user agreements. Superior Iron Man #1 is the grand opening of this store. He’s already given the people of San Francisco a reason to kiss his ass with imported lipstick. Now he’s going to make them eager to suck his dick on demand.

He’s already several steps ahead of the game if that’s his goal. He’s already released the Extemis 3.0 app, as revealed in the pages of Avengers and X-men: AXIS. He delivered his message to San Francisco and they’ve now elevated him to a level second only to Madison Bumgarner. Everybody can now make themselves as sexy as Jennifer Lawrence and as healthy as an Olympic athlete (minus the steroids and doping) with a simple smartphone app. I admit if someone gave me a product like that for free, I’d gladly lick dog shit off their shoes. And anybody who claims otherwise is dirty, rotten liar. So I’d say Iron Man has done more than enough to enjoy a victory lap and savor all the love and adulation from the people of San Francisco. And he didn’t even have to use a giant gun to succeed this time. That alone is a step towards superiority.

That victory lap is all well and good, but superiority alone doesn’t make Iron Man or San Francisco immune to the occasional shit storm. A week after Iron Man takes his victory lap, some D-list villain calling himself Teen Abomination decides to drop in and fuck up all the good times. And yes, his name really is Teen Abomination. I guess gamma radiation doesn’t increase creativity as much as it does strength. She-Hulk is there to get the fight going. Iron Man shows up just in time to make fun of his name and to see She-Hulk get decked. For whatever reason, villains these days are very sensitive about their shitty names. Go figure. But Teen Abomination really isn’t presented as some daunting threat. He’s just some generic, run-of-the-mill threat that’s supposed to make Iron Man take a break from jerking off his ego. It’s more an inconvenience than a struggle.

The battle unfolds fairly predictably. Teen Abomination snarls and whines as one might expect of completely bland villain. Then, he manages to get in a lucky blow that knocks Iron Man’s head off. And no, that’s not a colorful drunken metaphor. And yes, I say as casually as I would order Chinese Food. That’s because knocking Iron Man’s head off in this battle is about as consequential as messing up Donald Trump’s hair. It turns out Tony Stark isn’t even in this particular Iron Man armor. He’s operating it remotely because why should he be there to get roughed up by a badly named villain? He’s Tony fucking Stark. He works smart, not hard. That’s not just heroic. That’s downright American.

And it’s because Tony Stark isn’t there (or maybe in spite of it) that he finishes off Teen Abomination in as rough a way he can. It’s not exactly epic and it’s probably the fasted any gamma-powered villain has gone down in the history of Marvel, but it’s not intended to be a big part of the story. It’s just a way of showing how much more efficient Iron Man has gotten at being Iron Man. When he can beat up a gamma powered threat without even being there, then that’s a clear sign of superiority.

There’s also another sign of superiority and that’s being able to remotely operate an Iron Man suit from a pool surrounded by sexy men and women while sipping cocktails. And once again, Tony Stark finds a way to stay ahead of the curve because that’s exactly what he was doing while taking down Teen Abomination. It’s probably something he could’ve done before becoming “superior.” Hell, it’s probably something he did every now and then just for shits and giggles. But now, with all these beautiful people who owe him for their beauty, he has even more reasons to enjoy himself. He even boasts how he took Teen Abomination down between an orgy in a spa and a cocktail. What kind of hero multi-tasks like that? The awesome kind, that’s who.

Tony Stark has every reason to keep partying while being Iron Man in between drinks. But like any awesome party, there’s always going to be someone to come along and be a total buzzkill. Pepper Potts decides to take on that role because I guess being played by Gweneth Paltrow rubbed off on her. Playing the part of Tony Stark’s brain that isn’t easily distracted by breasts, booze, and butts she often has to be Iron Man’s gatekeeper. And while I’m sure she’s had to clean up plenty of orgies and puke stains over the years, she’s never had to confront something like this.

Pepper only briefly touches on the fact that Tony is drinking again before busting his balls about his new venture in San Francisco. It’s not like he doesn’t give her a reason to be concerned. He even reveals that he’s created a new Iron Man suit out of a fucking symbiote and Odin knows no good has ever come from mixing it up with a symbiote. I’m sure Spider-Man would shit himself if he heard about this. But Pepper is more concerned about the fact that Extremis 3.0 has turned San Francisco into a giant orgy of drunkenness, irresponsibility, and excess. That’s kind of what happens when everybody is suddenly beautiful, healthy, and flushed with a sense of superiority. I’m not entirely sure how that’s any different than most uber-liberal cities, but there is some merit to Pepper’s outrage.

And by some, I mean barely any. She whines about how not everybody has access to Extremis 3.0, but I get the sense she would yell at him just as much if she gave it to everybody. Isn’t it prudent to restrict access to a new product to a select group of people? She says there are other possible consequences and she’s probably right. But she’s pointing out all the wrong consequences. Seriously, how does Tony Stark expect a city to function where everyone is beautiful and sexy? How would they ever stop humping and drinking long enough to get any shit done? This would’ve been a much more reasonable argument to make, but she chose not to and that just amplifies her role as a total buzzkill.

That doesn’t mean that some of those consequences haven’t played out. In a city where the vast majority of the people are beautiful, healthy, and superior that means those who aren’t just become easier targets. This is nicely demonstrated in the hippie parts of San Francisco where five yuppie-type asshole decide to gang up on a homeless woman. Because as it turns out, when any group of people are given superiority, they like to exercise it by being total assholes. Not saying it’s right or anything. I’m just saying it’s human nature. These people see ugly ass girls like this the same way most of us see pimples. They want to get rid of it and they don’t care how messy it is. I guess it’s just easier to pop pimples.

This naturally attracts the attention of Daredevil, who recently set up shop in San Francisco. He doesn’t take kindly to angry mobs of beautiful people ganging up on homeless girls. I guess that’s easier for him when he doesn’t look like he slept in a dumpster. He’s eager to do his usual routine, throwing his sticks around and making assholes uncomfortable. And no, that wasn’t a gay joke. I’m trying to resist those jokes now that this story is taking place in San Francisco.

However, the fight here ends before anyone can throw too many punches. Before Daredevil can give these people a lecture on why being beautiful doesn’t give them an excuse to be assholes (unless their name is Tom Cruise), they start having a bad reaction. It’s not clear what it is at first, but they start writhing like I did during my last colonoscopy. Daredevil can’t be that intimidating. Hell, he can’t even be the oddest dressed guy in San Francisco. Anyone who has ever been to the Castro District knows that.

Their sudden discomfort has an easy explanation that takes Tony Stark beyond being a superior asshole and into a realm once reserved for Steve Jobs. Everybody who was enjoying the fruits of Extremis 3.0 is suddenly losing its effects. They’re becoming their ugly, inept former selves again. And it’s not because the app is malfunctioning. In fact, the app is working just as it’s supposed to work in that it reveals Tony Stark’s bold offer wasn’t exactly free out of the goodness of his heart. Like Candy Crush, people have to pay to keep using it and he has the audacity to charge $99.99 a day for that privilege. It’s wholly unreasonable, but Tony Stark reminds everyone that he’s a businessman. Giving shit away for free would just defeat the purpose.

It is a huge dick move. He gave everybody a taste of perfection. They all got to experience just how awesome it is. It would be like us ordinary folk getting to live like Bill Gates for a day. When it’s over and we go back to our shitty apartments, it doesn’t feel very good. This is a hundred steps beyond that. At the same time, it’s not downright evil. He gave everybody something they all wanted on some levels. It’s basic human nature to want to be beautiful and healthy. Now he’s just charging for it. How is that any different than make-up companies charging obscene amounts of money for their products? The only difference here is that Iron Man’s product works way fucking better.

At this point, Pepper has seen enough. Again, it’s probably easy when she still looks sexy as hell in a business suit. But she sees what’s happening with Tony Stark and she doesn’t like it. She thinks he’s either being mind-controlled or he’s let his alcoholism kick his ass again. Either way, she wants to stop him. So to do that she enlists the help of someone who has somehow taken over one of Iron Man’s older models. Given how Tony Stark just beat up a gamma-powered villain while sipping cocktails from a pool, I have a hard time believing that this will make much of a difference. But it’ll at least give Tony Stark an obstacle so he can’t spend all day jerking off his ego and getting drunk.

Before this series, I don’t think anybody would argue that Tony Stark was an asshole to some degree. He’s just a lot better than most superheroes at channeling his inner douche-baggery into being a competent hero. We common folk love to shit all over the super-rich and the super beautiful, ignoring most of the time that these super-rich assholes are a big reason why we have many of the comforts we enjoy. But what Tony Stark did here is raise the bar for super-rich, superhero douche-baggery to an unprecedented level. Most importantly, he was made himself look awesome doing it.

What Iron Man is doing here is not a total dick move. Iron Man is only a dick in the same sense that Steve Jobs and Bill Gates are dicks for charging so much money for shit we really want that makes us really happy. This is capitalism in the purest Ayan Rand tradition, but Tony Stark takes it to a level that would probably soak her panties. He’s not just saving people from assholes like Teen Abomination. He’s giving the people he’s saving something they want. And now it’s something they can’t live without. And as shitty a price he’s charging, I’d say it’s still not nearly as bad as the price Apple charges to upgrade their iPhones. It’s a bold new world and Tony Stark is the ultimate pimp in a city he’s turned into whores, both literally and figuratively. Dick move or not, it’s still way more than any Avenger has dared to do and that makes Iron Man awesome again. Superior Iron Man #1 gets a 9 out of 10. Now someone just has to keep Tony Stark away from giant guns so that he doesn’t fuck everything up like he did with the Phoenix Force. Nuff said!