Thursday, March 3, 2016

Old Man Logan #3: Nuff Said!

If the success of the Deadpool movie should teach us anything, it’s this. First off, it’s okay for a superhero movie to show women’s breasts and Ryan Reynolds’ penis. Second, sometimes a gritty formula just works so for fuck’s sake, stick to it! Old Man Logan has offered further proof of this concept, courtesy of Jeff Lemire and Andrea Sorrentino. It doesn’t try to make Logan a leader, a teacher, an Avenger, or some pretty boy who can’t stop falling in love with married women. It just lets him be Logan. It’s simple, it’s crude, and it fucking works. I can’t say that Old Man Logan #3 will have Ryan Reynolds’ penis in it, but it has plenty to offer in terms of highlighting all that is violent, dark, and awesome about Wolverine.


Old Man Logan was hoping to find Hawkeye, who was among his few remaining allies in his craptastic future. Instead, he heads to his place and finds his apprentice, Kate Bishop. She’s not Hawkeye, but she looks better in a thongs. She also points an arrow right at Old Man Logan’s skull. Considering how often he gets shot with guns, he might actually be relieved.

It leads to a tense, but blunt conversation. Old Man Logan says he’s from a shitty future. Kate does what most heroes in the Marvel Universe would do and tries desperately not to groan. So long as this one doesn’t involve Ultron, I’m sure she’s not too worried. She’s probably even relieved when Old Man Logan passes out after telling her how fucked that world is. She’s new and she’s still getting used to hearing about apocalyptic futures without throwing up.


While passed out, we get another flashback into Old Man Logan’s world, just as we got in the first two issues. This one isn’t quite as grim as others. It shows Logan with his family. Lemire and Sorrentino have been going out of their way to remind readers that while Old Man Logan is a cantankerous old fuck, he was a family man. He loved his wife and kids. That means he actually enjoyed doing things like going to the beach with them. He didn’t let being a whiney old fuck keep him from being a good father. That’s something Alec Baldwin can’t say.

It’s an important reminder. For those of us with attention spans only as long as our last joint, we need to remember that Old Man Logan isn’t just kicking ass because it gives him a boner. I’m sure that’s part of it, but it’s personal for him. He wants to stop the future that destroyed his family and friends. It makes him the most likable old man outside a Pixar movie.


This could’ve been a happy memory. Odin knows Old Man Logan needs them. Then, we’re reminded that this is an apocalyptic world. That means shit like the dead bodies of Marvel heroes are bound to show up, even during family trips the beach. That’s exactly what Old Man Logan finds, which is right up there with jellyfish and sunburn in terms of ways to ruin a day at the beach. Anyone who’s been stung by a jellyfish can appreciate this more than most.


This flashback and all the harsh reminders they give help keep Old Man Logan motivated once he wakes up. The fact he doesn’t have an arrow lodged in his balls is a good sign that Kate Bishop is willing to help him. He’s healed, but he’s still an old fart who is way off his game. He probably figures if Peyton Manning can win a second Super Bowl, then he can finish off the hit list he’s created to stop his shitty future.

This is where Kate contributes in ways other than pointing arrows at old men and looking sexy in skin-tight outfits. She uses a SHIELD database to track down Mysterio, also known as the asshole that tricked Wolverine into killing his friends. I imagine Old Man Logan wants to be extra thorough with his deceptive ass and Kate Bishop is remarkably okay with it. She gives the impression that Hawkeye exposes her to enough blood and guts that she’s numb to it. That or she’s been watching the last two seasons of Walking Dead on an empty stomach.


They had off to find Mysterio, but along the way Kate drops a telling hint to Old Man Logan. She mentions the female Thor, who wasn’t around in Old Man Logan’s world. Why is this telling? Well remember, Old Man Logan still thinks he’s a more badass version of Marty McFly, attempting to stop a shitty future that a gang of Biff wannabes fucked up. He hasn’t yet entertained the possibility that he could be in an alternative universe wherein killing the guys on his list won’t do jack shit. It’s kind of tragic, but if he does really fuck up, at least he’s old enough to blame senility and prostate problems.


Despite these telling hints, it doesn’t stop Old Man Logan from barging in on the potential location of the asshole that made him kill his friends. It’s as messy, brutal, and bloody as it sounds. Once again, Andrea Sorrentino’s artwork is like an orgy in chocolate sauce for the eyes. Old Man Logan proves once again that he’s still the same Wolverine we know and love. He’ll ask questions with his claws and let the bloodied cries of his enemies give the answers.

The only problem, aside from who ends up cleaning the mess, is that these assholes don’t know shit. They’re just more flesh bags for Old Man Logan to carve up, hopefully as practice for when he finds Mysterio. It’s basic. It’s blunt. It’s brutal. Fuck, it’s Old Man Logan. This is what we want, expect, and desire. If it’s too brutal, then stick to My Little Pony comics.


Kate Bishop must have some broney in her because she’s not all that keen on Old Man Logan’s tactics. Not saying Hawkeye is a pussy or anything, but compared to Old Man Logan, we all might as well be wearing skirts. It leads to a clash with Kate Bishop, who isn’t too fond of random slaughter that doesn’t happen at a distance. Old Man Logan takes a couple of arrows and a foot to the face. But this guy went up against the fucking Hulk in the past issue. This might as well be a massage.

It leads to a swift and bitter end of Old Man Logan’s partnership with Kate Bishop. He’s trying to save the future, damn it! He’s not looking to make new friends for him to slaughter down the line. It’s perfectly fitting in a sense because Old Man Logan is a loner. And since he’s too old to flirt with married women, it has to be his main shtick.


But just as he’s ditching one potential ally/victim, he encounters another that promises to help him even more than a cute girl with a fancy bow in a skin-tight outfit. It might even count as another hint that he’s not in the same timeline he remembers. That’s right. Old Man Logan encounters Old Man Cap. Finally, we get a team-up of two old geezers who aren’t named Deniro or Stallone. It’s by far the most fitting pairing since nachos and weed. If only Ryan Reynolds’ penis was somehow involved, then it would be perfect.


So...is it awesome?

Well Old Man Logan didn’t stab quite as many people this time. He also didn’t get used as a tap-dancing lesson by the Hulk. Sure, he took an arrow from Kate Bishop, but this is Old Man Logan. If Mel Gibson can shrug it off in a movie, then it might as well be a hangnail for Old Man Logan. That doesn’t mean Old Man Logan #3 was lacking. It offered more insight into Old Man Logan’s tormented memories while dropping some hints for him that he might not be in the same position as Marty McFly. But more than anything else, he still carries himself as we would expect of a bitter, jaded, pissed off version of Wolverine. Anyone who can’t enjoy that on some levels is either in a coma or really needs to adjust their Xanax prescription.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

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