Thursday, October 8, 2015

Invincible Iron Man #1: Nuff Said!

What happens when Marvel’s biggest writer takes on Marvel’s most notorious billionaire, alcoholic, pussy hound, armored Avenger? That’s what Invincible Iron Man #1 attempts to answer. And as a service to comic book fans and nerdrage that sustains them, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a quick, quirky, spoilerrific rundown of what goes through the head of a drunk as he soaks in this latest effort to make billionaires more likable. So sit back, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, and follow me as I offer my own unique/fucked up interpretation of this comic. Enjoy!

So someone thought they could have a reasonable negotiation with Madam Masque and not get blood stains on the carpet. Who the fuck is that stupid? Seriously, this must be the same guy who thinks he’s friends with a Nigerian prince. He brings Madam Masque what she wants. He asks for money. She shoots him in the head. A guy dumb enough to make a deal with her deserves nothing less.

I guess we can completely throw out Superior Iron Man. The way Tony talks to himself, I guess that shit never happened. He’s eating a burger and not drinking a bottle of whiskey. Either the 8-month gap undid the inversion from AXIS or he’s already drunk and getting a head start on the hangover. If so, he’s the most productive drunk in history because he manages to make a brand spanking new suit of armor. There’s nothing special about it. The crotch bulge is a little telling. But then again, it’s not like the iPhone changes its design that much every year. That doesn’t make it any less awesome.

After he makes a brand spanking new set of armor, he goes on a date. He’s Tony fucking Stark. When he’s not building awesome suits of armor, he’s dating beautiful women and diving head-first into their panties. This beautiful woman’s name is Dr. Amara Perera. She’s apparently both beautiful and brilliant. I guess that’s standard in both the Marvel Universe and every CBS cop show ever created. She’s hot, but no hotter than any of the other women that Tony Stark bangs every other Thursday.

Tony Stark goes on a date. Madam Masque continues to shoot people who try to get in her way. Like a fat kid trying to get his candy bar back, she lets nothing stop her. She even manages to rob Stark Industries’ branch in Japan. That’s pretty brilliant because let’s face it. A supervillain crashing through a window and shooting masked ninjas isn’t even top 10 in terms of the weird shit that comes out of Japan. Look up one of their anime conventions and tell me I’m wrong.

The date with Tony and Amara is going surprisingly well. He doesn’t appear to be drunk and he hasn’t started waving his dick in her face. Instead, they actually have a serious conversation. What a fucking concept, right? They talk about how being geniuses and inventing genius shit can do more harm than good. While I doubt Dr. Perera ever tried to shoot the Phoenix Force with a giant gun, I’m pretty sure she’s created a few weapons of mass destruction during her down time. Apparently, one was a mutant cure. And she must have seen X3 because she understands how fucked up that can make everything.

It’s probably the most meaningful date that Tony Stark has been on in terms of him keeping his pants on. At one point, he does try to sneak into Dr. Perera’s panties. It doesn’t quite work. She doesn’t even let him cop a feel. I’m pretty sure Tony’s dick hates him. Then he finds out Madam Masque is on the loose and his penis gives him a pass.

He finally gets to power up his new suit of armor. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, but Robert Downy Jr. has found a way to make it seem awesome while making a fuckton of money. It gives him an excuse to ditch his date and since she wasn’t loosening her panties, why not? Fighting Madam Masque gives him something better to do with his boner.

He ends up in Latveria because I guess nobody is stupid enough to look for a criminal in Latveria. It is the anal wart of the Marvel Universe. Nobody wants to go there, but nobody can get rid of it. So of course this is where Madam Masque goes to hide. And since we still have no fucking clue what happens after Secret Wars, we’re left to assume his downfall fucked his country over.

Those assumptions are somewhat questionable because Stark does encounter someone who might be able to help. And it’s…well, it’s fucking Doom, minus the badass suit of armor. He now looks like he’s the CEO of a pharmaceutical company or a Tobacco lobbyist. Gotta say this version actually looks way more evil, assuming this isn’t a Doombot. And that’s another big fucking assumption. it awesome?

For those who hear Robert Downy Jr.’s sexy voice in every word Tony Stark says, then yes. This is a pretty awesome comic. For those who enjoy seeing Iron Man flaunt his awesome suit of armor the same way Nikki Manaj flaunts her awesome ass, not so much. Most of this comic is focused on establishing the kind of Tony Stark that Brian Michael Bendis will be dealing with here. And so far, he’s definitely an upgrade. He doesn’t come off as the kind of Tony Stark who would shoot the Phoenix Force with a giant fucking gun. He comes off as a Tony Stark who is trying not to fuck up as much as he has in the past. He shouldn’t, lest he make Robert Downy Jr. less sexy and we just can’t have that.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Secret Wars #6: Nuff Said!

NOTE: This is a new review format I'm trying. Since I originally intended to stop Scanned Thoughts after Secret Wars, I decided to try something else to cover the rest of the event. It's much shorter. And it may only be temporary. Let me know what you all think.

What happens when a drunk decides to share his opinions of an overly ambitious, obscenely delayed comic? Well, if that question has ever crossed your mind, congratulations. You’re in the right place and you might need to lay off the weed. It actually happened. It took over two fucking months, but Secret Wars #6 came out this week. And in an effort to create a fun, spoiler-filled rundown of this comic, I’ve prepared the following drunken rant. Enjoy!

So the survivors of 616 and Ultimate are fucking up Dr. Doom’s divinely ordered world. They’ve already managed to get Dr. Strange killed. And for some reason, an army of Thors isn’t enough to take down a tiny team of survivors. Either Dr. Doom is really shitty when it comes to managing god-like power or he should stick to Doombots. They don’t have badass hammers, but they don’t hesitate to get the job done.

He might be able to deal with having an inept army of Thors. It’s still more effective than a competent army of SHIELD agents. But can he deal with Valeria starting to suspect that a world where Doom is god just ain’t right? It’s hard to say, but I think Doom is going to really appreciate his Doombots more by the end of this.

Valeria might be a cute blond, but she knows how to make trouble. And it’s not the kind of trouble that involves school girls uniforms, middle-aged teachers, and anal lube. It looks like she’s actively looking for ways to screw Dr. Doom over, or at least figure out how he screwed multiple universes over. It could be just out of sheer, scientific curiosity, which is not unreasonable for a character like her. But she could also just be looking to fuck shit up as only cute blonds can. I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence would give Valeria her seal of approval.

So in the time since the survivors arrived up until Dr. Strange scattered them throughout Battleworld, Reed Richards and Evil Ultimate Reed Richards found a way to meet up. That’s not a question. That apparently happened and I have no fucking clue how. Maybe I’m just that drunk or maybe after all these delays, I’ve stopped giving a shit about those minor details. All I know is that Reed Richards looks shitty with a beard and Ultimate Reed Richards looks like meth addict with a bad case of pink eye. Yet somehow, I’d rather be locked in a room with that meth addict than Ultimate Reed Richards. Is that weird?

Valeria continues to be a naughty yet lovable blond. It’s not enough that she’s searching for ways to screw over Dr. Doom. She helps Spider-Man from both 616 and Ultimate in their efforts as well. She knows that a grown man and a teenage boy are going to trust a cute blond, even if she doesn’t flash her tits. She lets them do the dirty work of uncovering Dr. Doom’s dirty secrets. That way if they get caught, she can just give him the puppy-dog eyes and get away with it. It’s a dick move, but a brilliant dick move.

Peter and Miles enter the realm from which Doom draws his powers. That’s where they find Molecule Man, who looks as approachable as Gary Busey on a crack binge. But Miles Morales has a burger in his pocket. That gives them the ultimate leverage. Apparently, burgers are just that valuable in Battleworld. Go figure.

Not saying it’s unreasonable. A good burger is almost as good as god-like power. But Molecule Man basically confirms what we already know. Doom is using him to channel the power of the Benyonders. He’s basically akin to the plug we use for our cell phones. He’s dirty and underappreciated, but his importance can’t be understated.

Doom still isn’t aware how Valeria and the others are plotting to screw them over. He’s all-powerful, but not omniscient. He probably wishes he was because he has to chat with his Barons from other realms. They’re basically about as helpful as Comcast Customer Support. One of them is even working against him. Somehow, Sinister tracked down Captain Marvel and convinced her to have a drink with him. Either he’s the greatest smooth-talker in the history of the omniverse or Captain Marvel just really needed to get drunk in a world where Doom is god.

Even in death, Dr. Strange always expected that he would have to screw Doom over. Let’s face it, Doom is about as fit to be a god as I am to be the head of Alcoholics Anonymous. With his dying breath, Strange somehow managed to get Black Panther and Namor to the Isle of Agamatto, which I guess is Strange’s mystical version of a porno stash. Because he’s got some pretty forbidden shit in here. And by forbidden, I mean the kind of shit that could make Doom divinely shit himself.

What could possibly be in his collection that could undermine a god-powered Doom? How about a fucking Infinity Gauntlet? Yeah, that would do the trick. I’m pretty sure any god or wannabe god would piss themselves at the notion of someone wielding that kind of power. Hell, Namor is lucky that Black Panther doesn’t test it by turning him into shrimp cocktail for laying waste to Wakanda during Avengers vs. X-men. I guess in a world where Doom is a god, they can’t afford to be petty.

I’d love to see how a god-powered Doom takes on a pissed off Black Panther armed with an Infinity Gauntlet. Instead, I get Sue Richards telling Franklin a bedtime story. It’s a lame bedtime story in that it doesn’t have any unicorns that shit chocolate, but it does offer some background into the history Doom has created in this world. There’s no Reed Richards, but there is a Fantastic Four. And Dr. Doom made damn sure it happened his way. It’s like a fanfiction writer making his story become reality. I admit I’d do the same thing if I had Doom’s power.

So at some point, Thanos managed to get himself imprisoned. Guess without his Infinity Gauntlet, he’s just a giant purple scrotum. But he happens to have a cell next to Ben Grimm. He also happens to know that Doom created this world with the sole purpose of screwing the Fantastic Four over. And he did almost as good a job as Josh Trank. That’s more than enough to piss Thing off. So now he wants to screw Doom over too in addition to Valeria. Pretty sure he’s going to be divinely fucked soon enough. Secret Wars #6 awesome?

If I were to sober up and offer my most sincere assessment, then I would say not really. This issue moved the plot forward, but not much else. And after over a two-month delay, that’s more than a little disappointing. That’s like waiting in line for eight hours to see a new Star Wars movie only to find out at the end that Jar Jar is the main character. While this issue didn’t derail the whole event, it did make me give substantially fewer fucks about it. Between being annoyingly incohesive and distinctly underwhelming, I doubt anybody’s panties are getting wet from this. At the very least, it moves the story forward enough to know that Dr. Doom is about to get divinely screwed over. And honestly, that shit never gets old.
Final Score: 5 out of 10

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Spider-Man and the Prostitute: The Proposition UPDATE!

Since I know certain fans can be impatient about certain stories, I did a little overtime on my new side-project, Spider-Man and the Prostitute. It's a story I built around the premise of being unambiguously, unapologetically sexy and nobody likes to wait on that, I'm making sure I don't leave too many fans hanging.

Few characters evoke a natural, unmistakable sexiness than Mary Jane Watson. She's right up there with Emma Frost in terms of characters who exude a natural, powerful sexiness. And for reasons I can only attribute to chronic blue balls, Marvel has decided to sideline and marginalize her. Even when she does show up, they don't let her be sexy and that's a crime against comic fans everywhere.

Now this story has cranked up the sexiness, some might say to a gratuitous level. But to those who would say that, I say fuck off. This is a story about a world where Mary Jane Watson became a prostitute and never knew Peter Parker in her youth. And that's a story that's bound to get sexual in a major way very soon. That story continues in this next chapter, which I hope gets the blood flowing in all the right directions.

I plan on letting this story get a lot sexier before it's finished. It's not going to be long, but it will be hot as hell because we should expect nothing less from Mary Jane Watson. Nuff said!

Monday, October 5, 2015

Mutants, Demons, and Heart: Inferno #5

The following is my review of Inferno #5, which was posted on

There are certain combinations that don’t sound like they go together at first. I’m sure the first person who proposed putting peanut butter and jelly between two pieces of bread was laughed out of the room. Several generations of school kids can attest that this combination worked out pretty well for the most part. So who’s to say that the combination of mutants and demons can’t work? Sure, it has the absurd undertones of Monsters vs. Aliens, but then again DreamWorks managed to turn that into a blockbuster movie. So why can’t Dennis Hopeless do the same for comics?

Hopeless has dared to turn an absurd concept like X-men vs. Demons into a compelling story and remarkably, he’s succeeded. Inferno has proven itself to be one of the most entertaining and engaging stories to spin out of Secret Wars. It’s not just some flashy spectacle ripped out of a Sharknado movie. It’s a story that has many personal elements, revolving primarily around Colossus and his desire to save his sister’s soul from Limbo.

It’s a simple setup, but one not so simple that it could be mistaken for a Kirk Cameron movie. And it takes place within the context of a massive war between mutants and the demon armies of Limbo. It has elements that are both epic and personal, which are every bit as potent as peanut butter and jelly.

Colossus’ struggle in this story has been the catalyst. His efforts to save his sister have led to entanglements with the Goblin Queen, who is the only one in a position to benefit with either outcome. Now, the rest of the X-men are involved. Even Sinister has gotten in on the action. It effectively sets up Inferno #5 with all the potent ingredients it needs to be awesome. While some of those ingredients prove bland, the most important details deliver the satisfaction of a dozen peanut butter sandwiches.

The greatest strength of this series as a whole has been Colossus’ journey. He began wanting to save his sister. However, after some painful struggles, one of which resulted in him losing an arm briefly, he comes to the harsh realization that his sister can’t be saved. And he has to be the one to put her down. It’s not quite like Old Yeller. Old Yeller was never as lovable as crazy demonic teenage girl with an army of blood-thirsty demons at her disposal. Few people outside the Marilyn Manson crowd will shed a tear for Illyana at this point.

That doesn’t make it any easier for Colossus. That doesn’t make it less heart-wrenching either. The real meat of this story is him confronting his demon-possessed sister in one final clash. He’s got muscles and a big sword. She’s got an army of demons at her back. All Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader had were lightsabres. It makes for a powerful spectacle, but one that doesn’t gloss over the emotional undertones.

It’s because these emotions are so well-developed that the end result is so satisfying. Colossus was in a difficult position where he had to swallow all these emotions and do what had to be done. These emotions clearly impacted him and Illyana did not hesitate to exploit them. This impact, along with the connection he developed with Domino, gave the story an impact that felt more meaningful than a PG-13 version of Monsters vs. Aliens.

While the emotional undertones were well-developed, the other secondary details were essentially glossed over. The role of characters like Sinister, Cyclops, Jean Grey, and the rest of the X-men were entirely forgettable. They might as well have been generic henchmen in a Power Rangers rerun. They really didn’t do much other than to act as demon bait. While some helped supplement Colossus’ struggle, they were too easily cast aside in the final confrontation.

This is somewhat of a letdown in terms of plot because previous issues had done a nice job of setting up these other characters to contribute in the final showdown. They could’ve contributed a lot more, especially after the arrival of Sinister. But in the end, the story takes on the mold of a movie that did one too many reshoots. The sub-plot with Sinister was abandoned, any potential sub-plots with other X-men were abandoned, and any emotional impact they could’ve had was snuffed out off-panel. That might work for a Josh Trank movie, but not for a series like this.

That’s not to say that this oversight derailed the story as a whole. It didn’t. Colossus’ battle with Illyana still had the right impact. There’s a distinct sense that if the book had been several pages longer, the details surrounding the rest of the X-men wouldn’t have been glossed over. If the story itself had been an issue longer, then there would’ve been time to add even more depth to Colossus’ struggle. So while the final battle still succeeded, it still felt rushed.

Now the reason for this isn’t entirely a result of insufficient ink or page restrictions. In many respects, Colossus’ inability to protect his fellow X-men comes from his reluctance to accept that she can’t be saved. Everyone around him accepted that Illyana was a lost cause. Even Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor agreed and anytime two ex-spouses agree on something, it’s pretty telling. So while the end result is rushed, it’s not completely without merit.

Rushed or not, Inferno #5 still succeeds in finishing the primary plot of the story. That alone makes it more complete than a typical Christopher Nolan movie. Colossus set out to save his sister. In the end, he had to be the one who stopped her. It made for a difficult, emotional struggle. But he still succeeded and managed to keep his girlfriend from dying. That’s more than Cyclops and Wolverine can say.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Spider-Man and the Prostitute: A Sexy New Fic

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to enjoy Spider-Man. With the exception of the recent Renew Your Vows story, I just haven’t been able to enjoy a story about Peter Parker, a middle-aged man-child whose life never progresses and whose story has become too predictable. I can tell you exactly how the current comics will pan out. At some point, he’ll all his money, Parker Industries will go bankrupt, and he’ll be back to working for Jameson, living with his Aunt May, and struggling with women. That shit was fine 30 years ago, but at some point a character needs to fucking progress.

That said, I still have a passion for Spider-Man. His cartoons and comics may suck, but he’s still one of the most iconic characters in Marvel. And whether Joe Quesada likes it or not, he and Mary Jane Watson are among the most iconic romances in the history of comics. No deal with Mephisto can ever undo that. And even if Mary Jane ends up taking up the ass from Tony Stark in the new Invincible Iron Man series, her relationship with Peter Parker will still be iconic.

It’s going to be a long time before Marvel lets that relationship prosper again. But that doesn’t mean guys like me can stop celebrating it. So in another one of my sexy side-projects, I’ve crafted a Peter/Mary Jane story that should help remind some Spider-Man fans that there was once a time when Peter was likable. It’s a story that takes place in an alternate universe, but it does NOT involve any deals with the devil. It’s just a world where Peter and Mary Jane come together in a different way. Oh, and Mary Jane is a prostitute in this universe. Can’t forget that tidbit. Enjoy!

I get that this setup might offend some fans of Mary Jane or the typical radical feminist, but it’s my story. And since we’re never going to get a story like this from Marvel, be it about a prostitute or Peter/Mary Jane being a thing again, I want to offer something for the other fans who haven’t forgotten about a time when Peter Parker was actually awesome. Nuff said!