Heroes, Criminals, and Heroes Operating As Criminals: Astonishing X-men #15

The following is my review of Astonishing X-men #15, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In principle, being a superhero is simple. You find criminals, you fight them, and you defeat them. If you can cooperate with the authorities along the way, then that's a nice bonus. When heroes have to operate as criminals, though, things aren't as simple. That doesn't just apply to vigilantes like Batman and the Punisher, who overtly operate outside the law. Sometimes, a superhero has to function in an environment where they're branded a criminal for the wrong reasons.

That is Alex Summers' situation in Astonishing X-men. Now that he's not inverted anymore from the events of AXIS, he's attempting to rebuild his superhero credibility. His timing is actually really good, in some respects. With both his brother, Cyclops, and Captain America also having to salvage their reputations due to events like Secret Empire and Avengers vs. X-men, he's following ongoing trend among heroes. With the way things play out, however, he's going in the wrong direction and it's not entirely his fault.

Matthew Rosenberg and Greg Land give Havok plenty of opportunities to channel his brother's leadership skills. He manages to assemble a new team of X-men to carry out heroics on their own terms. It's not exactly a team of A-list heavy hitters, though. Between Warpath's attitude in Weapon X and Colossus still recovering from his failed wedding in X-men Gold #30, Havok needs more than just leadership to get them on the same page.

The underlying plot of Astonishing X-men #15 starts off simple. The Reavers are on the loose again and the X-men usually don't have many qualms about fighting Reavers. However, some major complications emerge that would hinder Captain America on his best day. These aren't the traditional, mutant-hunting Reavers the X-men are used to. They're now directly sponsored by the government and operating under the guise of law enforcement. Given the government's tenuous history with policing mutants, it's only shocking that they didn't resort to killer cyborgs sooner.

This immediately puts Havok and his new team are already behind the curve. Their confrontation with these state-sanctioned Reavers goes so badly that even Kitty Pryde has dissociated the X-men from Alex's team. Logistically speaking, they can't even call themselves X-men. In the eyes of both the law and their friends, they're not superheroes operating as criminals. They're just criminals.

This isn't just bad press like the kind Spider-Man deals with every other day. Officially, Havok's team fight and evade government agents. That's both frustrating and jarring because it subverts the X-men's traditional approach to battles. Like Sentinels or evil clones crafted by Sinister, the Reavers are the kinds of enemies that X-men usually battle without a second thought. It's almost like a reflex akin to Captain America saluting the flag or Deadpool making a dirty joke.

The difference this time is that the Reavers are sanctioned by the government. It's not entirely a mutual partnership. The Reavers, led by Donald Pierce, make it abundantly clear that this partnership was imposed. They didn't cooperate with the government out of civic duty. They were essentially drafted into serving and Havok doesn't find that out until it's too late.

This creates an unusual, but interesting backdrop to the conflict. There's no mind control or inverted personalities at work here. The only alteration to the X-men/Reaver clash is that the Reavers are now operating under the whim of the authorities. Even if they do it unwillingly, they're still technically government operatives and Havok's team fought them. From a legal perspective, they assaulted agents of law enforcement. That's not what heroes do. That's what criminals do.

It's less about the ethics of heroism and more about the bureaucracy surrounding it. Any team of heroes, be they X-men or Avengers, can take down all the cyborg assassins they want. Both the public and those in government will gladly cheer them on. However, as soon as those same cyborg assassins start operating with the government's seal of approval, those cheers turned to outrage.

It puts Havok in an unusual predicament. He wants to redeem himself. Instead, he and his new team find themselves on the wrong end of the law and public opinion. The media doesn't frame the story as the X-men heroically defeating the Reavers before they can harm innocent mutants. They report it as a group of rogue mutant terrorists battling government forces.

Technically, that's not some misleading headline on the front page of the Daily Bugle. That actually happens, forcing Havok and his new team to lay low. That doesn't work either, though. The Reavers still find them, which means they have to defend themselves. Doing so means fighting back, but that only compounds the problem because they're still fighting government officials.

It's a no-win situation for Havok. Unlike his older brother, he doesn't have a boy scout reputation to fall back on. People may question a news story that claims Captain America sucker-punched a police officer, but they're less inclined to doubt that Cyclops' less capable brother did something awful, especially after being inverted for so long. He even acknowledges how bad it gets, escaping to a bar frequented by other colorful criminals. It seems every conceivable force is working against Havok's efforts to redeem himself and for once, that's not just brooding.

It's not completely hopeless. Rosenberg never lets the tone of the story get too bleak. Havok still gets a chance to do his brother proud, hatching a plan towards the end that requires him to embrace his new criminal connotations to some extent. It's bold, but fitting approach. Given how the plot is almost framed, it feels necessary.

That also feels like a flaw, of sorts, because neither Havok nor his team really have much choice along the way. There's never a sense that they have any agency in how they impact the plot. The same goes for the Reavers, as well. Having that government label really limits their agenda to serving whoever has the right emblems on their uniform.

Even with those limits, Astonishing X-men #15 succeeds in presenting Havok with a daunting, yet novel challenge on his path to redemption. Just forming a new team of X-men and following his brother's example isn't enough. He has to operate as a criminal in order to become the hero he wants to be. His brother would be proud, but probably just as frustrated.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Musings on Mutant Matrimony: X-Men: The Wedding Special #1

The following is my review of X-men: The Wedding Special #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In real life, weddings are supposed to be a joyous, momentous occasion for couples, friends, and family. In superhero comics, weddings tend to have more mixed connotations. That's not just because deals with Mephisto have established that the world of superheroes is extremely unforgiving for couples who think their love can handle retcons, time travelers, and clone conspiracies. Most never even make it to the bachelor party. Only a handful ever establish themselves as a romance that even Mephisto can't corrupt.

Kitty Pryde and Colossus may not be on the same level as Reed and Sue Richards, but they're daring to make the effort. Considering the on-again/off-again nature of their relationship over the years, it carries more risk than most. That chaotic history includes moments where they've seen each other die and in relationships with other characters. It also includes instances where Kitty dates other men named Peter and even comes close to marrying one. That kind of history makes it difficult to elevate their love to the same level as other iconic superhero romances.

Despite all the inherent complications surrounding marriage in superhero comics, Kitty and Colossus enjoy a relationship that is one of the most sincere, genuine romances in comics. It doesn't try to be perfect. Their growth, as characters, isn't dependent on their relationship with one another. They're capable of holding their own as individuals. That makes them more prepared than most to take the matrimonial plunge.

X-men: The Wedding Special #1 acts as the last round of preparations before the big day. It's a giant-sized rehearsal of sorts, utilizing creative contributions from Marc Guggenheim, Kelly Thompson, and even the X-men's most famous scribe, Chris Claremont. There's no massive battle against an army of Sentinels. There's no surprise attack by the Shi'ar, the Skrulls, or the Purifiers. More than anything else, this issue makes the case that the marriage between Kitty Pryde and Colossus is worth rooting for.

Through three self-contained, character-focused stories, X-men: The Wedding Special #1 makes that case very well. It's a testament to the past, present, and future of Kitty Pryde and Colossus. One story shows where they came from. Another shows where they are in the present with their engagement. Another offers promise and hope for the future, albeit through strippers and karaoke. When presented together, it proves to be a potent combination.

The first story, written by the X-men legend Chris Claremont, acts as a slide-show of Kitty Pryde's journey to this monumental moment in her life. For those who haven't kept up with Kitty's eventful life, from training alongside Wolverine to getting trapped in a giant space bullet, this offers a comprehensive insight into who Kitty is. For those who know her story, it won't reveal anything too groundbreaking. There are no dark secrets or Skrull agents in this emotional recap.

However, it will add some extra personal insights that are worth adding, especially for a character who's about to get married. Kitty muses about how being a mutant has effected her life, from joining Excaliber to losing her father. These are all things that feel like something a young woman thinks about before her wedding. She doesn't approach it like some fairy tale princess, thinking everything is all rainbows and sunshine. She takes the good, the bad, and the hopeful all at once and she's stronger because of it. That's what makes her Kitty Pryde.

The second story, written by Marc Guggenheim, offers some insight into Colossus. It's not quite as comprehensive as Kitty's story in that it doesn't recall the journey he took to get to a point where he's about to marry the love of his life. It does provide more entertainment value, though, in the form of Colossus beating up a renegade demon who just got fired from a Las Vegas casino run by demons. It's as colorful and entertaining as it sounds, even if it is somewhat short.

It acts as a tie-in story, of sorts, to the ongoing events of X-men Gold. It also provides a closer look at the kind of person Colossus is and the kind of man Kitty will be marrying. He sets himself apart from his more free-spirited teammates, like Gambit and Nightcrawler. He establishes himself as the kind of guy who isn't into bachelor parties or the Las Vegas lifestyle. He's just a gentle, soft-hearted guy who can still beat up a demon when he has to.

Given how many men named Peter that Kitty Pryde has dated, it's worth making clear that Colossus is the right Peter for her. He isn't the kind of character who will impress a woman with his attitude, charisma, or style. He's a man of action. Whether he's fighting a demon or spending a night in Las Vegas with his fellow X-men, what he says and does lets everyone know the kind of person he is. Gambit may have more personality and Nightcrawler may have more charisma, but Colossus shows that he's the kind of man any woman would be proud to marry. Kitty Pryde just happens to be that lucky woman.

The last story, written by Kelly Thompson, follows Kitty on her bachelorette party. Unlike her future husband, hers doesn't involve Las Vegas or attacking demons. It does, however, involve a visit from an old friend/enemy from an iconic moment in X-men lore. It makes for a brief fight, but one that isn't meant to derail Kitty's night or her wedding. In a world where time travelers and clones are known to interfere in romances, that's almost seems strange.

Instead, the fight only acts as another reminder of sorts, one meant to inspire Kitty to make her marriage with Colossus work. It's something that's worth fighting for. It's something that's worth all the loss, heartache, and struggle they've endured. It also reminds her that loving someone means being vulnerable and not just to Mephisto. She can either recoil in fear or become stronger. Being one of the X-men and having Storm plan her bachelorette party, Kitty certainly comes out stronger.

In terms of a prelude, X-men: The Wedding Special #1 achieves something important for Kitty and Colossus. It may very well be the most important thing it can possibly achieve for a superhero wedding. It reaffirms why these two iconic characters are getting married and why they're worth rooting for. The love between them may not be as famous, but it's every bit as genuine.

It acts as a reflection of the emotional journey these characters have taken together. While there's some attempt at conflict, it's fairly minor and somewhat forgettable. There's an effort to tie these stories into other happenings in recent X-men comics, but those ties are fairly loose and not really critical to the overall story.  

X-men: The Wedding Special #1 still succeeds in the most important way for Kitty Pryde and Colossus. It gives emotional and dramatic weight to their upcoming wedding. In a world where every marriage is a few deaths, resurrections, and retcons away from destruction, that counts for a lot. These are two characters who are strong as individuals, but when they're together, they become something truly special. That bodes well for any marriage, superhero or otherwise.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #12: Nuff Said!

It's a basic law of physics. When people become rich and power, they tend to use both to enjoy fancy dinners, decadent orgies, and dresses that cost more than a typical mortgage. The Michael Moores of the world may see this as obscene, but admit it. If you had that kind of power and wealth, you'd be inclined to do the same thing.

That's why I have a certain level of respect for the Hellfire Club. They don't hide from this. Hell, they embrace it and they rarely do it fully clothed. For a long time, Emma Frost embodied this decadent, horny, don't-give-a-fuck spirit. Now that she's missing, thanks to the big fart cloud unleashed by the racist xenophobic slave-owners, there's room for a new order in the Hellfire Club. We've already seen hints of that order since Cullen Bunn began his run on Uncanny X-men. We finally get some insight into that order in Uncanny X-men #12. Sadly, this insight is very SFW, but it's still the Hellfire Club. It's safe to assume there's a gang-bang going on in between every panel.

Before they get to the gang-bangs though, we get a brief glimpse into how Magneto set things up before throwing in with a bunch of orgy-loving deviants. We venture to that magical period that Marvel used to fuck the X-men over worse than any bondage club ever could. During that period, Magneto seeks Psylocke out before he seeks help from the Hellfire Club. Considering she'd be more focused on helping mutants than trying on overpriced lingerie, it's probably smart.

They have a pretty meaningful conversation here. Psylocke is not all that enthusiastic about joining Magneto's new team. He does kind of have a history of turning into a selfish, murderous prick so she's right to be skeptical. Then again, this is a time when Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners get preferential treatment so maybe a selfish, murdering prick is just what they need. She seems to agree that there's really no way that they can't make this shit worse and sadly, she's probably right.

Psylocke agrees to join Magneto's team, as was kind of already spoiled in the first fucking issue of the series. Flash forward to this issue where Psylocke meets the new Hellfire Club for the first time and she's probably questioning how sober she was when she made that decision. She's about as happy about this revelation as someone who just found out they have a malignant tumor festering inside their asshole.

For their part, the new Inner Circle, of which Magneto is a part of, doesn't immediately try to tie Psylocke up and whip her into submission. That's the kind of shit Emma Frost does on a Sunday. Instead, they're remarkably cordial, offering wine and friendship with orgies just being a nice side-benefit. They may be asshole deviants, but at least they have manners. That goes a long ways for some people. Plus, Pyslocke is British. That should make her hesitate at least somewhat before resorting to stabbing them with a psionic blade.

She's still not all that happy with Magneto keeping these kinds of secrets from her. Then again, even she has to concede this isn't the worst secret he could've kept. It's not like he's been eating live puppies on the side or anything. Psylocke bitches and moans for a good long while as Magneto introduces this new Hellfire Club. Unlike the club's previous incarnation, it doesn't involve any per-pubescent kids. That alone is a big fucking upgrade.

Instead, we see a lot of familiar faces. It's not just Sebastian Shaw as the Black King that's familiar either. We have Black Tom Cassidy as the White King, a C-list X-men villain who hasn't had a chance at many orgies I imagine. We have Monet as the White Queen. Granted, she doesn't look as awesome as Emma Frost does in white lingerie, but then again very few people do. We even have Briar, who was one of the best parts of Cullen Bunn's Magneto solo series. If you don't know why her presence is awesome, then you need to read Magneto's latest solo series. It's so good I actually read it sober. That alone should tell you all you need to know.

It's a nice balance. The new club has some familiar deviants and a few new faces like Black Tom and Monet. That doesn't stop Psylocke from bitching and moaning even more, but even she has to admit there may be some benefits to teaming up with orgy-loving deviants. They aren't heroes, but they can get shit done and they can do it with or without their pants on.

They prove this first by offering Psylocke a new role as the Black Queen, a role that traditionally belongs to immortal mutant vampires with a knack for both giving and killing boners, among other things. Knowing she's inclined to bitch and moan even more, Briar offers her something more tangible in the form of a sample of brain matter. Why does this matter? Well, this is where Bunn shows that he puts more effort into his stories than most of us put into lattes.

It turns out this brain matter is from the Someday Corporation. Remember those assholes? In the first arc of this series, they offered mutants a chance to sleep through the latest shit storm caused by the Racist Xenophobic Slave Owners. Turns out desperate mutants don't read the fine print of the user agreement. They're the only organization that might actually have bigger assholes than the Hellfire Club and that goes a long ways with Psylocke. This still doesn't stop her from bitching and moaning to Magneto, but he still finds a way to make their conversation meaningful. It means that before she embraces wine and orgies, they have an actual mission.

We finally move away from wine, lingerie, and orgies and onto less kinky conflicts, relatively speaking. Knowing that the Someday Corporation is probably doing much worse than the Hellfire Club, minus the orgies, Psylocke and Magneto lead their team to a research station in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Because I guess if you have something to hide, you just have to do it on an ominous base in the middle of the ocean. Maybe there's something tactical to the Hellfire Club's use of orgies and parties.

Not surprisingly, they get attacked shortly after they arrive. It essentially confirms what Psylocke surmised from the Hellfire Club's little clue. Someday Corporation is up to more shit and they don't even give the courtesy of a good orgy. Even Psylocke has to admit that these assholes deserve stabbing more than anyone in the Hellfire Club.

A fight breaks out and Greg Land shows he can draw more than just sexy women in lingerie. This time, Someday doesn't just throw thugs with guns at them. Turns out those mutants they put in stasis really should've read the fine print after all. Now, they've been weaponized and turned into meat puppets. Because I guess nothing bad ever happened to anyone who tried to turn mutants into living weapons. I'm pretty sure Wolverine is rolling his eyes in his adamantium grave.

The action is quick, flashy, and intense. It's not rushed, but it's not overly epic either. Fighting mutants that were turned into living weapons doesn't happen as often as fighting killer robots, but it's still regular enough to seem inane at times. It's still entertaining. It also has some important details thrown into the mix, giving it the kind of refinement that sets it above a typical Street Fighter game.

Part of that refinement involves teasing the ongoing conflict between Monet and her brother, who is now inside her. No, I'm not talking about Game of Thrones style incest here. She merged with Emplate during the last arc and she's still struggling to control it. She still has the urge to feed on mutants the same way I feed on bacon. She doesn't fight that urge all that well. Then again, she's part of the Hellfire Club now. Fighting urges isn't their style.

There battle against the Someday Corporation is escalating quickly. That makes it a lousy time for another flashback, but it also gives the story a chance to gain further refinement. Once again, we go back to that magical 8-month gap where mutants got shafted by Fox's lawyers and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners who benefit as a result. Magneto just made his pitch to Psylocke. Now, he's looking for new allies. This leads him to the steps of the Hellfire Club.

This is where Briar Raleigh comes back into the picture. Again, her presence only helps Magneto and this series. She may be human, but she proved during Magneto's solo series that she can kick more ass than most and do it after having lost part of her leg. She can also do it while looking sexy as hell and that goes a long ways in a place like the Hellfire Club. Magneto knows this and needs her help. Plus, it never hurts to have someone who's sexy as hell on your side.

The introductions go about as well as they can hope. By that, I mean everybody keeps their pants on and nobody gets gagged, although I'm sure that's part of the negotiations. Along the way, Magneto makes an important point. At a time when Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are getting preferential treatment left and right, mutants can't be petty anymore. They can't be divided. As far as he's concerned, every mutant is an X-man now. They have to be if they're to survive and sadly, he's probably right.

So...is it awesome?

It's kinky, deceptive, and ethically questionable on all fronts. In other words, it's perfectly in line with who the Hellfire Club is and how they operate. Cullen Bunn did not turn them into a charity for botched breast implants or to teach bondage to former nuns. He makes them allies of the X-men while still maintaining the spirit of decadence, bondage, and excessive cleavage. That alone is an accomplishment that sets Uncanny X-men #12 apart.

As a story that just happens to have a bunch of kinky, bondage-loving sadists, there's plenty of intrigue. Granted, some of that intrigue gets lost by having Psylocke bitch and moan for a good chunk of the story. While she's well within her right to be skeptical about a team-up with the Hellfire Club, she overdoes it somewhat at times. It still leads to a well-developed plot that connects with previous arcs and even Bunn's previous Magneto series. Those kinds of cohesive connections go a long ways towards showing that he gives a damn about making Uncanny X-men #12 awesome. In an era where relaunches and reboots happen more often than annoying car insurance commercials, that means something.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #11: Nuff Said!

Some things never get old. A cold beer, chocolate donuts, and masturbation come to mind. On the other side of that coin though, there are some ideas that are never good ideas, yet people still keep trying to make them work. I'm not talking about Fantastic Four movies or Comcast customer service either. I'm talking about the kind of shit that never ends well, but people still can't take the fucking hint. That's the best way to describe any idea that involves turning mutants into weapons.

Apocalypse Wars is over. Cullen Bunn, still intent on proving that he deserves to have his shoes licked clean by Emma Frost, is intent on turning Magneto's team of fuck-this-sterilization-shit X-men into a pack of winners. He steps up to the plate again in Uncanny X-men #11, already with a lead and the bases loaded. So why not use that bat to beat down at the pile of shit concept of making mutants into weapons? Yeah, it gave us X-23, Deadpool, and Wolverine, but sometimes awesome requires that things get messy/bloody as hell.

Bunn decides to skip a couple steps to get to the messy/bloody as hell part and Odin bless him for it. The target is some faceless research facility in Utah that's probably funded by Mormons, corrupt casino owners, and Texas republicans. That makes me feel a lot better when the guards get attacked with one of them being turned into mindless ape who bludgeons his co-worker to death. Still less mindless than a typical Trump supporter though.

I want to have sympathy for guards in the Marvel universe, but these guards aren't military. That means they have a choice in the companies to which they lend their services. If they even suspect that the company is making living weapons, I can't have too much sympathy. How many guards have to die before they realize that living weapons fucking hate guards.

More messy/bloody as hell action follows. A group of mutants who look nothing like Wolverine or Deadpool lead the charge. They're not as brutal or hairy or annoying as other living weapons, but they're still pretty damn efficient. Along the way, one of them offers some nice telepathic insight that highlights a lesser known detail of the current Marvel universe, one that makes the Lewis Black in me want to yell at the nearest small animal.

Mutants are already going extinct. They've been sterilized, exiled, and marginalized to such a degree that shooting a mutant in the street probably qualifies as a tax write-off in some parts of the world. Even so, people are STILL making weapons to fight mutants? That's like the Pentagon spending a billion dollars to develop weapons to kill endangered condors.

It's the kind of obscene logic that only those who deal with Fox's lawyers probably understand. This mysterious team of mutants don't bother trying to understand that logic. They find what they're looking for, namely a tank created from Sentinel technology. More messy/bloody as hell action follows and one of the mutants gets cold feet, which means he gets fucking killed on the spot.

That's another problem with living weapons that too many overlook. When they start to fuck up, they tend to die brutally. You either have to be that stupid or have that strong a stomach to get into that business. It's sad, but then again we live in a world where Fox keeps trying to make Fantastic Four movies.

We already know how shit involving living weapons tends to pan out. We don't know what happens when someone has to merge with their flesh-eating twin brother from another dimension. I'm honestly curious about that sort of thing. Smoking a lot of pot makes you think about that shit. Now, Monet is in that exact situation, having absorbed Emplate during Apocalypse Wars. She's stuck with her brother, who is now part of her mind and body. Not only does she give the most terrifying hand jobs ever, she's got to deal with this while the X-men deal with other sterilization shit.

It's a nice demonstration of inner conflict, something Cullen Bunn does very well. He did this with Angel during Apocalypse Wars. Now Monet has to deal with it in a fairly seamless transition of shit storms. At a time when deaths happen off-panel and entire schools move to Limbo, those seamless transitions are pretty damn valuable.

Another precious resource in this let's-fuck-mutants-over-off-panel era is trust. That's something Magneto kind of pissed away during Apocalypse Wars when he revealed he had been working with Mystique and Fantomex on the side. Psylocke, who has multiple reasons to stab anyone who works with Fantomex in any capacity, is not pleased. Being a sexy psychic who can earn trust by telepathy or flashing her tits, she's probably not used to that.

It leads to a tense, but meaningful conversation while Psylocke is wearing sexy workout clothes. So it's both productive for the plot and sexy as hell. That's a damn good combination in my book. Psylocke reveals that despite his lies, they did save Angel. However, he still lied to her and teamed up with Fantomex and Mystique of all people. She doesn't say it outright, but I think she lets him know he better put an adamantium lock on his balls for the foreseeable future.

On top of that, Psylocke is convinced he's still lying to her. Since one lie is rarely the only lie with a guy like Magneto, she has every reason to do more than just take her frustration out on his balls. That's where Monet comes in. Sure, she has secrets of her own, but what better way to distract from her crazy shit than to expose the crazy shit of someone else? It's perfect logic.

You know what's also a perfect combination? I mean besides Psylocke in sexy workout clothes? Sabretooth living in the Savage Land. This place is to him what living in a brewer is to me. It's a perfect environment that maximizes every one of his violent instincts. There are cute adorable animals that will make it into a Disney movie in this place. There are only angry, blood-thirsty dinosaurs and giant bugs. We don't necessarily need a nice montage of Greg Land artwork to reinforce that concept, but it definitely helps.

It's bloody. It's brutal. It's visceral. It's also completely in line with Sabretooth as a character and living weapons like him. It may not do much to move the story forward, but it does give Sabretooth some overdue insight. Since Uncanny X-men began, he's basically just been a Wolverine place-holder, playing the part of the gruff, burley asshole who stabs things that need stabbing. This gives him a chance to channel his more primal traits, something that Wolverine usually resists unless a cold beer or a cute redhead are involved. It's refreshing and it gives Greg Land an excuse to draw more visceral scenes and we can never have too many of those.

It isn't just visceral hunting that probably makes PETA supporters queasy though. Eventually, Sabretooth's therapeutic bloodlust is interrupted by a renewed and more talkative Arcangel. It's another moment that builds on the aftermath of Apocalypse Wars, as opposed to letting all that shit happen off-panel. He finally has more personality than a toaster oven, but still clearly fucked up by being split in two and not in a sexy sort of way. He comments on how his current state and Sabretooth's are similar. Ominous? Yeah. Vague? Fuck yeah. It's still meaningful enough to keep a non-sober mind interested.

He also lets Sabretooth know that they have a mission. On a team where the leader keeps secrets and one of them is possessed by an inter-dimensional sibling, that may even be relaxing in a strange sort of way. It still means stabbing may be necessary so of course Sabretooth is going to play a part.

This mission takes them away from the savage jungles into a domain that may as well be the exact opposite. I'm talking about the Hellfire Club, an organization where the silverware is actually silver, the clothes are made from endangered animals, and the orgies are always refined. Psylocke decides that since Magneto has too much experience keeping secrets from powerful telepaths, she needs to confront him directly. That means going to the Hellfire Club with Sabretooth and stabbing the truth out of someone, even if that means making blood stains on clothes that probably cost a mortgage just to dry clean.

It's not the first time the Hellfire Club has shown up in this series. Their involvement in Uncanny X-men has been hinted at for a while now. Again, Bunn shows an uncanny commitment to cohesion and connections, something that has been seriously lacking at Marvel since they discovered the benefits of letting shit happen off-panel. So this little visit feels both overdue and right.

It does, however, lead to another awkward revelation that will probably prompt Psylocke into stabbing more than Sabretooth. She makes her way to the Inner Circle, only to find out that it has more familiar faces than she thought. Sure, Magneto is there. That she already suspected, but Monet? The same Monet that encouraged her to look into this in the first place? I'm sure that surprises/pisses her off in one too many ways. She claims they want to talk business, but I'm pretty sure Psylocke is ready to do as much stabbing as Sabretooth after this shit.

So...is it awesome?

There's gratuitous bloodshed alongside meaningful plot developments, two ingredients as essential to an awesome comic as beer and porn is to a successful frat party. It's easy, and sometimes necessary, for the aftermath of a major arc to get ignored in favor of something that'll blow more shit up. Cullen Bunn continues to exercise admirable restraint in that respect, focusing more on exploring the fucked up peculiarities of having Magneto lead a team of killer X-men. It's a restraint that even a drunk can admire.

That said, this issue has some of the same flaws that dragged Apocalypse Wars down somewhat. There's a lot of shit going on here, but the connections between the shit isn't all that clear. Don't get me wrong. I like a story about the Hellfire Club and living weapons trashing a military base as much as the next guy, but when you don't read comics sober, it can be more confusing than a non-sober mind can manage. No matter what your mindset though, there's still plenty of fun in gratuitous violence, meaningful plot development, and orgy-loving secret societies. Uncanny X-men #11 has all that and Psylocke in sexy workout clothes. You get your money's worth.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

A Personal Apocalypse: Uncanny X-men #10

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #10, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

For a species that is constantly on the brink of extinction, apocalyptic themes can be downright inane at times. These days, apocalyptic scenarios are a twisted kind of normal for the X-men. If they're not confronting the extinction of the mutant race, they're recovering from it or preparing for the next extinction. Apocalyptic themes are so interwoven with the narrative of the X-men that any story that doesn't involve an extinction-level threat is an aberration.

By these dire standards, Apocalypse Wars is certainly not an aberration. That's not to say it follows the same apocalyptic formula though. The narrative Cullen Bunn crafts in Uncanny X-men focuses less on extinction, sterilization, or marginalization and more on a personal apocalypse. Granted, the world faces a serious threat in Genocide, one of Apocalypse's overly dedicated minions. However, the threat isn't as important as the turmoil it creates within the characters. It is basically the antithesis of a typical battle against Onslaught or Thanos.

This gives Apocalypse Wars a unique impact, one that is rarely explored in apocalyptic stories that don't involve time travel or evil clones. That impact unfolds gradually over the course of this series and in Uncanny X-men #10, the scope and scale of that impact finally sets in. It doesn't hit with the same weight as a traditional apocalyptic plot, but given the glut of such plots with the X-men, that may be a good thing.

There's no deception, mystery, or twist at this point in the story. Bunn opts for a more simplistic approach in wrapping up Apocalypse Wars and this ends up being the most prudent. Genocide does more than enough to garner no sympathy whatsoever. He tries to honor Apocalypse's legacy a little too closely, manipulating Angel and subduing Magneto in ways that only make the X-men angrier. Unlike the Hulk, however, the X-men are more focused with their anger.

Genocide's plan to manipulate Angel comes off as one of those plans that was never going to work out and not just because one of Angel's former lovers is a psychic ninja. He's not Apocalypse, nor does he ever make the case that he can be Apocalypse. He is essentially a decaffeinated version of Apocalypse who is capable of manipulation, but horribly lacking in cunning and strength. While he does have a menacing presence, he lacks the charisma that Oscar Isaac so masterfully captured in X-men: Apocalypse.

That lack of charisma, combined with the shallowest of motivations, may offer limited depth, but it makes the X-men's defeat of Genocide that much more satisfying. It also gives Greg Land abundant opportunities to craft stunning, apocalyptic visuals. It meshes well with the themes and tone of the narrative. With characters like Genocide, it's easy to get too cartoonish with the style. While Genocide has the personality of a Saturday morning cartoon character, Land and Bunn make sure it feels more refined.

While Genocide's personality is a poor selling point in Uncanny X-men #10, it's the personal impact of the story that makes it work. Most of that impact comes from Psylocke, who spends a good chunk of this story trying to get through to her former lover. The emotions don't run high or become melodramatic, but they are there. Bunn makes it a point to highlight's Psylocke's determination to save her former lover. This creates the kind of personal stake that gives greater weight to what would otherwise be a generic apocalyptic scenario.

However, this isn't the only personal impact guiding the narrative. Alongside this apocalyptic clash with Genocide, Bunn caps off another sub-plot involving Monet, Sabretooth, and Monet's demonic brother, Emplate. The personal impact here is different in that it involves two siblings trying to help each other. The problem is that one sibling's concept of help involving feeding on mutants, a species that just got sterilized for the second time. It makes for another conflicted clash where Land's art shines once more.

There's nothing wrong with this sub-plot. Bunn develops it nicely. The personal impact with Monet is not unlike the impact with Psylocke. What undermines this plot and the one involving Genocide is how disconnected they are. One does not affect the other in any way. They might as well be plots from two different comics. It's possible to cut, paste, and reorganize in a way where it's impossible to tell that they're from the same comic. This lack of cohesion undermines and disrupts the overall narrative.

The presence of two, well-developed sub-plots doesn't negate the impact of either plot. However, they do cut into one another like ill-timed commercial breaks. It gives the impression that both plots have to be rushed to tie up the necessary loose ends. To Bunn's credit, he's able to do this with both plots, but there's only so much polish he can manage with two utterly disconnected stories.

Even without the polish, Uncanny X-men #10 does manage to capture the same underlying theme in Apocalypse Wars that also plays out in All-New X-men and Extraordinary X-men. Each plot and sub-plot, regardless of how disconnected they are, tie into concepts of destiny and inner nature. Genocide doesn't even try to avoid either whereas Angel tries desperately to do the opposite. One succeeds through the aid and support of his telepathic girlfriend. The other ends up on the wrong end of Magneto and Mystique's wrath. There's no ambiguity in terms of which effort is more worthwhile.

In many respects, the theme of Apocalypse Wars is a fitting metaphor of sorts for the X-men and mutants in general, ongoing sterilization plots notwithstanding. It's easy to accept apocalyptic doom and gloom when that sort of thing seems to happen every other week, but it is possible to reconnect with a less dire outlook. It won't make a second round of sterility feel less apocalyptic, but it will rally the likes of Magneto, Mystique, and Sabretooth on a cohesive team. In facing any apocalypse, it's hard to imagine a team more equipped.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #10: Nuff Said!

What makes an Apocalypse story apocalyptic, but in a good way? It's not enough to just pay Oscar Isaac to make an appearance. Fox only recently learned that lesson. It's a matter of taking Apocalyptic themes, injecting apocalyptic threats, and creating an apocalyptic mood that gives every character an apocalyptic kick in the balls. By that standard, Cullen Bunn is succeeding where Fox failed and he does it without Oscar Isaac's sex appeal. Hell, he does it without Apocalypse actually showing up in Uncanny X-men, whereas he has a strong presence in Extraordinary and All-New. That's like preparing a steak dinner with a butter knife. It's a testament to his craft.

Now, Uncanny X-men #10 is here. With the way this story has been going, it can act either as a cherry on top or a fresh ball of shit on top of a chocolate pie. Apocalypse's asshole son, Genocide, is set to succeed where he failed. However, he has to succeed over a pissed off Magneto and a Psylocke who just fought a bitter ex-lover. It's like he uses the exact opposite of cheat codes, but maybe that's just his way of waving his dick in the face of Apocalypse. I've got a cold beer and a joint that says he's going to fuck up in some ways and I'm here to take it all in for your reading pleasure.

I imagine the fine folks in Green Ridge, Colorado are going to need more than a beer and a joint after this. After Genocide got a little too rough with Angel's lover, who happens to also be a sexy psychic ninja, he invites yet another method for which to screw himself. I guess pissing off Mystique and Magneto just wasn't enough. He has to make sure he's completely fucked himself beyond repair. There are overly depressed emos in high school that would say he's overdoing it at this point.

The fight is no longer fair because now there are an army of Archangels reining unholy hell on Genocide's quint little hideout. Psylocke finally decided it was time to ensue Genocide gets the ass-kicking he seems to so desperately want at this point. She has shown in this series that she has an uncanny ability to channel Arcangel's apocalyptic rage boners for good and she doesn't even have to flash her tits. That's power even Genocide has to respect.

That's not to say that this tactic is completely without risk. There's always a risk associated with unleashing a pissed off horseman of Apocalypse. Psylocke is the only one able to temper that risk. She's psychic. She's a ninja. She and Angel used to bang. She has every possible mechanism to reach him and ensure that he doesn't fall back into his Apocalyptic habits. I imagine the thoughts and memories of a naked Psylocke are far more powerful than any influence Apocalypse can conjure.

Psylocke puts that influence to use by going into Angel's mind. She even takes on her classic Psylocke costume, something that Greg Land does an excellent job of recapturing for this moment. The psychic setting of a church with dead bodies is creepy as shit, but still very appropriate. It sets the stage for Psylocke reconnecting with Angel again, something that nicely reflects their history together. At a time when Marvel seems too eager to ditch established romances so Spider-Man can hook up with Mockingbird, it's a refreshing moment.

It's almost as refreshing as seeing Magneto and Mystique kick Genocides ass. Almost. He pissed them off. He attempts to finish what Apocalypse started, minus Oscar Isaac's charisma and sex appeal, and fails miserably. No plan can succeed when it involves pissing off Mystique and Magneto.

It's a concise, brutal, understandably lopsided battle. This time, Magneto and Mystique have the edge and not just because they're pissed off. They have an army of Archangels as backup and Genocide has a town of brainwashed civilians too terrified to throw a punch. It's like a sick kitten fighting John Cena. It's not a fair fight. He does throw around some classic Apocalypse rhetoric, but without Oscar Isaac's influence, it's only too satisfying when Magneto and Mystique shut his ass up.

Genocide isn't the only one someone needs to shut up. As the plot with Genocide has been developing, another entirely different plot has been unfolding in the Morlock sewers. This one involves Sabretooth, Monet, and Monet's much less sexy twin brother, Emplate. Emplate, for reasons that only make sense after a joint or two, needs to psychically feed on mutants to remain anchored to this world. Monet and Sabretooth had to fight through a lot of mutant zombie types to get to him. However, Monet isn't as inclined to be as ruthless or efficient as Mystique and Magneto.

That sucks for her because the only way to save her hideous, mutant-murdering brother is to let him feed on her. It's not nearly as incestish as it sounds and Monet is hardly thrilled with the idea. Not wanting to set feminism back another couple decades, she doesn't completely stick to her promise to help her brother stop feeding. She channels her inner Hillary Clinton and flexes a little dishonesty, albeit in a way even Trump supporters might approve of.

She kicks Emplate's ass. She also makes clear that, siblings aside, she thinks he's a real piece of shit for tormenting mutants and using her to keep himself tied to this world. It's basically all the shit women want to say to internet trolls and ex-boyfriends. Yes, it is satisfying on some levels. Yes, it does end with Monet subduing Emplate and neutralizing him in a way that allows her to not completely break her promise, which is more than Hillary Clinton can claim. It's just not as dramatic or as emotional as it needs to be.

Why is this? Well, one might think this plot with Emplate has something to do with Genocide and Apocalypse Wars. One would be dead wrong, despite being perfectly logical. Outside arguments against creationists, that sort of thing shouldn't be par for the course. Cullen Bunn is usually so adept at tying in parallel plots into the same story. This time, they might as well be two separate comics in two separate arcs. Granted, both are pretty damn awesome by most measures, but their inability to gel makes it feel like a poorly constructed sandwich. It's still palatable, just not nearly as satisfying.

There's still plenty to digest with the battle against Genocide. In this battle, Psylocke holds her own and looks dead sexy while doing it. That's basically Tuesday for her. At some point, Fantomex has a chance to be an even bigger douche, but for once, he doesn't take advantage of it. After his douche-baggery in previous issues, that's a good thing. There's only so much douche-baggery a character can take on before they enter Hope fucking Summers territory. Even Fantomex doesn't dare take it that far.

Between Genocide's attack and Arcangel's minions, it's a hell of a spectacle and one Greg Land renders beautifully. People can say he uses too many Playboy centerfolds as tracing material. My eyes and my penis don't care. He helps bring scale and spectacle to this battle. Once Psylocke meets up with Magneto and Mystique, the results are a sight to behold.

However, the fight does not end when Magneto and his team run out of asses to kick. It only ends once Angel is subdued and Genocide's influence is purged from his mind. With Psylocke's help, she's able to figure out how Genocide fucked Angel up so thoroughly. It turns out that the wannabe cult leader version of Angel is actually a part of Arcangel that Genocide separated. That's why Arcangel is basically a blunt instrument now who has the personality of Kristen Stewart on valium. The only way they can balance out the bluntness and make Arcangel less likely to be Apocalypse's personal meat puppet is to re-merge.

It's not as sexy as it sounds, but it offers a certain level of drama. Angel makes it clear he doesn't want to be one bad hangover away from French kissing Apocalypse again. However, he's willing to re-merge with his Apocalyptic self if it will undo Genocide's shit storm. He does it because that's what a hero is supposed to do, especially in the presence of a woman who he used to sleep with. It makes Arcangel, by far, more likable than Fantomex will ever be.

Genocide is defeated. The innocent people of Green Ridge, Colorado will have to find another deranged cult leader now. Maybe they can call in Tom Cruise or something. On the plus side, the X-men have a fully coherent Arcangel back. So overall, it's a solid win on their part. There's still some awkwardness between Magneto and Psylocke. She isn't exactly thrilled with the revelation that he's been working with Mystique and her ex, but let's face it. That's not the worst secret Magneto could've kept from her. It's not like he had Gambit record her taking a shower or something.

This newfound mistrust comes at a time when Monet is now harboring her vampire-loving twin brother. Sure, he's not feeding on innocent mutants in the Morlock tunnels anymore, but now he's stuck inside her. She avoided becoming her brother's pet, but he's still pissing her off. So I guess that's another complication that's bound to screw the X-men over at some point, as if they can ever have too many.

Complications aside, Cullen Bunn does try to cap off his share of Apocalypse Wars on a high note. We get to see Psylocke and Angel share a moment again in Angel's mind. It's a moment that contains a wonderfully fitting message for any X-men story. Arcangel may be one of Apocalypse's many bitches, but now Angel is determined to forge a different path that doesn't involve being someone's bitch. He's not a blunt instrument anymore. He doesn't know what he is, but he's not going to let anyone who isn't a sexy psychic ninja influence that. It's the kind of empowered, understanding sentiment you just can't get out of an Inhuman comic.

So...is it awesome?

There's some wonderfully poetic undertones to the conclusion of this arc. It lines up nicely with classic themes of X-men, none of which involve sterility or Inhuman fart clouds. It has plenty of bloody, brutal moments that are to be expected in any clash involving Magneto, Mystique, and Fantomex.

That said, Uncanny X-men #10 just doesn't hit with the full impact that Cullen Bunn so masterfully set up in previous issues. The ending hit on the right themes, but feels rushed. That's not to say it's flawed. It's like a brownie without frosting. It's still good, just not as delicious as it could've been. Given the bar set by All-New X-men with its Apocalypse Wars tie-in, Uncanny X-men just doesn't measure up. It does set up some juicy plots moving forward, but the promise of a good brownie is never as satisfying as actually eating a brownie.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #9: Nuff Said!

There aren't a whole lot of ways that can make a conflict involving Apocalypse more shitty, but the X-men usually find a way in every major crossover event. As in real life, any crisis can be made worse by injecting ex-lovers into the mix. I'm convinced that a jaded ex-lover will suck Mephisto's cock just to make someone a little bit more miserable. They will make a deal involving their soul and a half-eaten bag of skittles to add to such misery.

This is the situation Psylocke finds herself in with Apocalypse Wars. She's been trying to save one former lover in Angel, who isn't all that jaded. To do that, she must deal with a far more jaded ex-lover in Fantomex. As a character who tries to be a sophisticated kind of douche-bag anti-hero, he is uniquely qualified to make the shit storm in Apocalypse Wars even worse. Uncanny X-men #9 has him poised to add more shit and make Psylocke want to rip his heart out through his asshole. I usually don't root for jaded ex-girlfriends, but I'll gladly make an exception for Psylocke.

I also make that exception because Psylocke has Magneto in her corner and generally, it's not wise to be on any side opposing Magneto. He still managed to get himself captured with Psylocke in an earlier issue. Psylocke spent a lot of time and effort trying to free him, having to go through her douche-bag ex in the process. In the end, she doesn't succeed, but Mystique does.

Yes, she has finally arrived. Jennifer Lawrence couldn't hog her completely. Her presence has been teased mercilessly since Uncanny X-men began. Finally, she shows up and at the best possible time. She doesn't just free Magneto. She does it while busting his balls and probably giving him a boner at the same time. Few women who didn't marry Larry King can make such a claim. Sure compares Magneto to Apocalypse, which does plenty to piss him off. However, he's pissed off in Akkaba City where Genocide is prepared to take a giant, genocidal dump on the mutant race. That means he has someone to take it out on.

Can we all just agree that Mystique know show to piss people off in just the right ways at just the right times?

As this shit storm in Akkaba City is unfolding, there's another conflict that is still woefully disconnected in the sewers of New York. That's not to say it's a meaningless conflict. It involves Monet and Sabretooth fighting mutant zombies, courtesy of Monet's evil, ass-ugly brother Emplate. So meaning or not, it's still pretty entertaining and personal. I'm just not sure what the fuck it has to do with Apocalypse Wars. Like light beer, that's not going to stop me from enjoying it, even if it takes a little more to get the same buzz.

The fight began in the previous issue. Now, it's progress naturally to a point where Sabretooth fucks up and gets considerably maimed by Emplate. I know he's still inverted. I know he's trying hard not to be a raging asshole. I'm just saying it's still entertaining as hell watching him get maimed. Some inversions just can't change that.

Monet doesn't let Sabretooth get maimed too much, only to the point where it's still entertaining as fuck. This is personal for her. She hasn't clashed with her brother since the Clinton Administration so this is a pretty big deal for her. Like a Backstreet Boys comeback tour, she can't afford to fuck this up. Emplate doesn't make that easy for her though. He confirms that he's the one who drew her to the Morlock tunnels. He also confirms he didn't draw her there just to maim Sabretooth, although I'm sure that was a nice bonus. Like any whiny brother, he wants her help. He just uses mutant zombies to get his point across. Not saying that's right, sane, or logical, but I can't say it doesn't work.

It's hard to top the entertainment value of mutant zombies and Sabretooth getting maimed. That said, Mystique and Magneto fighting side-by-side against the forces of Genocide is pretty damn close. It's a battle that I think Michael Fassbender and Jennifer Lawrence would approve of. They're not relying on Psylocke to work around her douche-bag ex. They're taking matters into their own hands, looking to kick Genocide's ass on their own terms. It's one thing to piss off Storm, Cyclops, or Wolverine. Pissing off Magneto and Mystique though? Even Apocalypse's minions are really pushing it.

The battle leads to a fucked up, disturbing, and oddly satisfying revelation. You know all these monstrosities and Skrillix wannabes that Genocide is making? Well, he didn't just buy them from Sinister, although I'm sure he considered that. He creates them from Angel's flesh. Sure, it requires a healthy bit of torture, but so does waiting for Comic Con tickets. It's a matter of perspective. For Angel, it's worth it because having the blood of Apocalypse in him really fucking sucks. It's another echo from the Dark Angel Saga and completely understandable in that context. Like actually paying to see the last Adam Sandler movie, it's one of those scars that just doesn't go away easily.

I still don't get the sense that Angel thought this through completely. Sure, he's a handsome, rich, charismatic preacher for some cultish church that reeks of bad televangelism and Scientology. However, he's also helping Genocide and making himself a real pussy in the process. So while his choice is understandable, it's still a dick move. In a story that has Mystique, Sabretooth, and Fantomex though, I guess it's a matter of perspective.

The same perspective applies to Emplate. He's done maiming Sabretooth, which may be disappointing to some. However, he offers a few more important revelations as to why he feels the need to communicate with mutant zombies. It turns out feeding on them is the only thing keeping him anchored to this world, which in turn prevents him from slipping back into a world that really fucking sucks. It has to suck if he considers it a downgrade from a New York City sewer. The problem is that mutants are kind of going extinct thanks to giant Inhuman fart clouds. He's going to run out of mutants soon so he kind has to get proactive.

This leads to another powerful brother/sister moment in a non-creepy, non-Game of Thrones sort of way. Emplate actually makes clear that he loves his sister. He doesn't love her enough to not attack with mutant zombies, but that's beside the point. He loves her enough to want her help and she's willing to help him, provided he stops killing mutants. However, she can only do that by making a really shitty deal for herself. It's a powerful moment and while it doesn't seem to do shit for Apocalypse Wars as a whole, it is a nice reminder of why she's awesome.

Touching, non-incest moments between siblings is nice and all. Flashy, explosive battles between Magneto, Mystique, and Holocaust are still way more fun. I'm all for sentiment in comics, but there's just no substitute to seeing Magneto and Mystique kick ass. It's not the most brutal battle. It's not Wolverine and Cyclops fighting over an old pair of Jean Grey's panties. It's still entertaining as hell and given how much Mystique pissed Magneto off earlier, it ends up being a fairly even fight. Since Apocalypse battles usually require the fucking Phoenix Force to tip the balance, this is a nice change of pace.

So all this epic shit is going on. Where is Psylocke? Did fighting with her ex really distract her that much? Well, I think we can all forgive someone for getting a little side-tracked when an asshole ex enters the picture, but she's supposed to be tougher than this. Modern feminism demands it. Instead, she encounters some of the fucked up monstrosities that Genocide created with Angel's flesh. She's so spent from fighting her ex at this point that she doesn't stand a chance when they attack and poison her. Of course Fantomex sees this and of course he's probably resisting the urge to dance to a Taylor Swift song. He's just that big a douche. It really is a low point for Psylocke. It's definitely one Olivia Munn will want to avoid for future X-men movies.

There is an indirect benefit/problem for situations when Psylocke is in that much trouble. It pisses off Arcangel, her drone/attack dog/boy toy. He doesn't talk much and has been basically a blunt instrument since Uncanny X-men began. Now, Psylocke is in trouble and her ex is eager to piss on her corpse. Brainwashed or not, Archangel can't have that. He finally arrives, ready to fuck up Genocide and Fantomex's balls, but not necessarily in that order. I still find it strange rooting for jaded ex-girlfriends, but when this is the shit it inspires, I'm happy to make an exception.

So...is it awesome?

It has Mystique finally joining the battle and fighting alongside Magneto. Does I really need to write an essay on why that shit is awesome? It took a while, but it finally converged in a cohesive way. Then shit started blowing up. That's basic level awesome at its best. The advanced levels aren't on as big a display as before, but for good reason. Uncanny X-men #9 focuses less on drama and more on moving the plot forward. It does this with a lot of destruction, suffering, and mutant zombies. It's not as concise in some areas, but it's still entertaining as hell. If you can't be entertained by mutant zombies, then adjust your medications because something is wrong with you.

Final Score 7 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #8: Nuff Said!

Ever try to judge a pizza after smoking a shit ton of weed? Well, I wouldn't advise that in places outside of Denver, but I will say that being buzzed as fuck makes everything taste pretty damn awesome, be it pizza or some half-eaten cookie you find under the bed. I say this because I'm still fucking buzzing after X-men: Apocalypse. How could I not? It was an X-men movie that didn't suck or turn Wolverine into a total pussy. I still have a raging fucking boner from it and no, I'm not calling my doctor.

I say this because it may end up coloring my reviews for Apocalypse Wars. And no, I'm not going to fucking apologize for it. X-men: Apocalypse is the first X-men movie that didn't have Deadpool that didn't make me want to dry heave. So my thoughts on Uncanny X-men #8 are bound to be skewed as fuck. Again, I'm not apologizing for it. If it sounds like I'm ready to kiss Cullen Bunn's boot, then so be it.

You can say a lot about Magneto's team of renegade X-men. Sure, they're not winning any prizes by Amnesty International anytime soon, but they do have a kickass base in the Savage Land and they have their own killer Arcangel. That has to count for something, right? That killer Arcangel has shown his worth in this series so far. Granted, he's still a mindless drone with a mental capacity on par with a brain-damaged Kardashian, but he gets the job done and he's the one who helped kickstart Magneto's involvement in Apocalypse Wars. He's still waiting in the wings, waiting for a chance to contribute. After his limited role in X-men: Apocalypse, I think he's itching to do something more.

Psylocke is already doing Olivia Munn proud. The fine folks of Akkaba City think it's a good idea to throw Magneto and Psylocke into a prison cell. They're right up there with people who think it's a good idea to serve beer at a shooting range. Of course Psylocke breaks out. Of course she kicks the everloving shit out of the minions who try to stop her. She's a fucking horsemen in X-men: Apocalypse. Anything less than kicking omega-level ass puts us all on Olivia Munn's shit list.

Those hapless minions, however, aren't as mindless as typical Bond villain henchmen. They offer a telling clue as to what they're up against. This began with a freaky cult in the middle of Colorado, as if there aren't enough of those in a state where weed is legal. These guys are willingly brainwashed, keyword willingly. Like any cult, they think there's something holy about being irradiated by Genocide and turned into a walking tumor. Given how some cults manage to avoid paying taxes while screwing over adherents, sometimes literally, I can't say this cult is any more devious than others.

Psylocke goes looking for Magneto. She finds Genocide and an overly hippie-version of Angel, who seems overly comfortable working with someone like Genocide. Again, that's the power of cults. If it can convince people that magic underwear is real, then it can convince people of anything.

So what could be worse than seeing Angel rub elbows with Genocide? Well, there actually is something that's way fucking worse. His name is Fantomex. Yes, it's that Fantomex. He shot a kid in the head and got to bone Psylocke. Sure, he's an omega level douche, but one you have to respect on some levels. Psylocke, however, respects him as much as Willie Nelson respects the IRS. Things did not end well between them to say the very least. They're both inclined to kill each other and not in a sexy sort of way.

Psylocke and Fantomex have plenty of baggage that they can only work out with gratuitous violence. They aren't the only ones though. While exploring a new Morlock society, Monet and Sabretooth learn that Monet's deranged and demonic brother is back in action. Gratuitous violence is really the only healthy way she can deal with a sibling like him. It's only slightly less fucked up than some of the family feuds on Jerry Springer, but it doesn't make gratuitous violence less entertaining. Sorry, One Million Moms.

Basically, Monet's brother, Emplate, is using evil creatures to snatch up mutants so he can feed on them like non-Twilight vampire. It's simple, but it makes for plenty of brutal action. It's a big part of the appeal in Uncanny X-men and making it a family affair only adds to that appeal. Since Monet only recently became at least as relevant as Squirrel Girl in the comics again, it's an appeal that feels overdue.

By that same token, Psylocke kicking Fantomex's phony French ass is more overdue than Half-Life 3. There's some confusion as to why the fuck Fantomex is even in Akkaba City. There is some other ongoing plot involving him and Mystique that has been unfolding in other issues. However, none of that is relevant here. None of it even connects effectively. So in terms of details, this makes as much sense as an OJ Simpson alibi. In terms of entertainment value though, this is right up there with watching Tron on weed.

There's nothing overly elaborate here. Psylocke and Fantomex beat the shit out of each other. They're bitter ex-lovers. They're not on the same team. One of them may even be working for Akkaba City. It doesn't matter. They have more than enough reason to kill one another. For those who forgot or are too lazy to do a simple Google search, there's a nice little recap of their recent history, going back to Uncanny X-Force, a series I reviewed in full and one that you should totally fucking read. At the risk of giving myself too huge a boner, I'll just say that these two screwed each other over in the worst and best ways. The worst ways just left a bigger impression.

The fighting is brutal, drawn out, and overly elaborate. It's also entertaining as fuck. There's a lot of talk and a lot of confusion. They at least try to figure out how the fuck they ended up in Akkaba City. They only learn that at some point, Magneto helped Fantomex put himself back together again. He then wisely kept him and Psylocke as far away from one another as possible. It's smart, but pointless. Bitter ex-lovers will find each other the same way sharks find wounded seals.

Whatever Magneto's role and whatever the details may be, most of it is lost in the gratuitous violence, albeit in the best possible way. That said, there is a clear winner and angry feminists can exhale. It's Psylocke who wins. She's a psychic ninja. Fantomex is a living weapon/douche. She has the edge. She also still has to find Magneto and do something about this Akkaba cult before they employ too many lawyers. Whether she succeeds or not, I think she'll still see kicking Fantomex's ass as part of a victory.

It's hard to say if Monet feels the same way about her brother. After kicking the shit out of his creatures, she tracks him to his cozy little lair. Along the way, she explains how he needs to feed on mutants to stay anchored in this reality. At a time when mutants are going extinct yet again, that's kind of a big fucking problem. She even suspects that's why he called out to her. Maybe he just wants to hug his sister. Or maybe he just wants to devour her too. With deranged siblings, it can go either way.

They eventually find them. They see he's uglier than the reviews of the last Fantastic Four movie. After what he did to the Morlocks, they're more than inclined to kick his ass and Monet has to not enjoy it too much. Then, much to their surprise, he claims he doesn't want to fight them. He says he wants them to save him. I'm confused and a little high, but still intrigued. Again, this a deranged sibling they're dealing with here. If Game of Thrones has taught me anything, it's that deranged siblings are capable of all sorts of kinky shit.

It's a lot less kinky for Pyslocke, sadly enough. After kicking Fantomex's ass in a way that'll make her panties wet for days, she goes back to her mission to finding Magneto and Angel. Once again, her mission gets derailed when she encounters something so horrific that she can't help but call out to Arcangel. No, it's not another bitter ex-lover, as horrifying as that might be. It's a room full of deformed Angel clones. I assume Psylocke keeps in touch with Peter Parker. She knows that deformed clones are fucking terrifying so who can blame her when she overreacts?

This finally brings Arcangel back into the picture. While the details throughout this issue are scattered and disjointed, this one vital detail that kickstarted the whole story remains intact. Arcangel knows that Psylocke is in trouble. He probably knows that she just kicked her ex-boyfriend's ass and is probably horny as hell. Even with the forces of Apocalypse being involved, I can't think of anyone or anything that can keep him from getting to her. Mindless drone or not, you have to respect that on some levels.

So...is it awesome?

Well nearly half the issue depicts Psylocke kicking Fantomex's ass. That alone makes it worth the sticker price. As to why they're fighting or why Fantomex is in Akkaba City, that's kind of unclear, but you really don't need to know that to enjoy it. Sure, you need to know that for the story to have depth, but it's still entertaining as fuck and the best part of this issue. Hell, I could read a whole arc of Psylocke kicking Fantomex's ass and be one happy motherfucker.

Beyond that though, the story doesn't move forward very much in Uncanny X-men #8. It still moves forward though. That's way more than I can say about most Spider-Man comics these days. The two plots involving the Morlocks and Akkaba City are still disconnected, but they have their moments and Cullen Bunn finds ways to inject drama into both. So while I may be buzzed as fuck by X-men: Apocalypse, I can only be so generous in assessing these comics in a meaningful way. I know some of you people rely on my drunken ass to assess these comics for awesome and I take that job pretty damn seriously.

Final Score: 7 out of 10