A Personal Apocalypse: Uncanny X-men #10

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #10, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

For a species that is constantly on the brink of extinction, apocalyptic themes can be downright inane at times. These days, apocalyptic scenarios are a twisted kind of normal for the X-men. If they're not confronting the extinction of the mutant race, they're recovering from it or preparing for the next extinction. Apocalyptic themes are so interwoven with the narrative of the X-men that any story that doesn't involve an extinction-level threat is an aberration.

By these dire standards, Apocalypse Wars is certainly not an aberration. That's not to say it follows the same apocalyptic formula though. The narrative Cullen Bunn crafts in Uncanny X-men focuses less on extinction, sterilization, or marginalization and more on a personal apocalypse. Granted, the world faces a serious threat in Genocide, one of Apocalypse's overly dedicated minions. However, the threat isn't as important as the turmoil it creates within the characters. It is basically the antithesis of a typical battle against Onslaught or Thanos.

This gives Apocalypse Wars a unique impact, one that is rarely explored in apocalyptic stories that don't involve time travel or evil clones. That impact unfolds gradually over the course of this series and in Uncanny X-men #10, the scope and scale of that impact finally sets in. It doesn't hit with the same weight as a traditional apocalyptic plot, but given the glut of such plots with the X-men, that may be a good thing.

There's no deception, mystery, or twist at this point in the story. Bunn opts for a more simplistic approach in wrapping up Apocalypse Wars and this ends up being the most prudent. Genocide does more than enough to garner no sympathy whatsoever. He tries to honor Apocalypse's legacy a little too closely, manipulating Angel and subduing Magneto in ways that only make the X-men angrier. Unlike the Hulk, however, the X-men are more focused with their anger.

Genocide's plan to manipulate Angel comes off as one of those plans that was never going to work out and not just because one of Angel's former lovers is a psychic ninja. He's not Apocalypse, nor does he ever make the case that he can be Apocalypse. He is essentially a decaffeinated version of Apocalypse who is capable of manipulation, but horribly lacking in cunning and strength. While he does have a menacing presence, he lacks the charisma that Oscar Isaac so masterfully captured in X-men: Apocalypse.

That lack of charisma, combined with the shallowest of motivations, may offer limited depth, but it makes the X-men's defeat of Genocide that much more satisfying. It also gives Greg Land abundant opportunities to craft stunning, apocalyptic visuals. It meshes well with the themes and tone of the narrative. With characters like Genocide, it's easy to get too cartoonish with the style. While Genocide has the personality of a Saturday morning cartoon character, Land and Bunn make sure it feels more refined.

While Genocide's personality is a poor selling point in Uncanny X-men #10, it's the personal impact of the story that makes it work. Most of that impact comes from Psylocke, who spends a good chunk of this story trying to get through to her former lover. The emotions don't run high or become melodramatic, but they are there. Bunn makes it a point to highlight's Psylocke's determination to save her former lover. This creates the kind of personal stake that gives greater weight to what would otherwise be a generic apocalyptic scenario.

However, this isn't the only personal impact guiding the narrative. Alongside this apocalyptic clash with Genocide, Bunn caps off another sub-plot involving Monet, Sabretooth, and Monet's demonic brother, Emplate. The personal impact here is different in that it involves two siblings trying to help each other. The problem is that one sibling's concept of help involving feeding on mutants, a species that just got sterilized for the second time. It makes for another conflicted clash where Land's art shines once more.

There's nothing wrong with this sub-plot. Bunn develops it nicely. The personal impact with Monet is not unlike the impact with Psylocke. What undermines this plot and the one involving Genocide is how disconnected they are. One does not affect the other in any way. They might as well be plots from two different comics. It's possible to cut, paste, and reorganize in a way where it's impossible to tell that they're from the same comic. This lack of cohesion undermines and disrupts the overall narrative.

The presence of two, well-developed sub-plots doesn't negate the impact of either plot. However, they do cut into one another like ill-timed commercial breaks. It gives the impression that both plots have to be rushed to tie up the necessary loose ends. To Bunn's credit, he's able to do this with both plots, but there's only so much polish he can manage with two utterly disconnected stories.

Even without the polish, Uncanny X-men #10 does manage to capture the same underlying theme in Apocalypse Wars that also plays out in All-New X-men and Extraordinary X-men. Each plot and sub-plot, regardless of how disconnected they are, tie into concepts of destiny and inner nature. Genocide doesn't even try to avoid either whereas Angel tries desperately to do the opposite. One succeeds through the aid and support of his telepathic girlfriend. The other ends up on the wrong end of Magneto and Mystique's wrath. There's no ambiguity in terms of which effort is more worthwhile.

In many respects, the theme of Apocalypse Wars is a fitting metaphor of sorts for the X-men and mutants in general, ongoing sterilization plots notwithstanding. It's easy to accept apocalyptic doom and gloom when that sort of thing seems to happen every other week, but it is possible to reconnect with a less dire outlook. It won't make a second round of sterility feel less apocalyptic, but it will rally the likes of Magneto, Mystique, and Sabretooth on a cohesive team. In facing any apocalypse, it's hard to imagine a team more equipped.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #10: Nuff Said!

What makes an Apocalypse story apocalyptic, but in a good way? It's not enough to just pay Oscar Isaac to make an appearance. Fox only recently learned that lesson. It's a matter of taking Apocalyptic themes, injecting apocalyptic threats, and creating an apocalyptic mood that gives every character an apocalyptic kick in the balls. By that standard, Cullen Bunn is succeeding where Fox failed and he does it without Oscar Isaac's sex appeal. Hell, he does it without Apocalypse actually showing up in Uncanny X-men, whereas he has a strong presence in Extraordinary and All-New. That's like preparing a steak dinner with a butter knife. It's a testament to his craft.

Now, Uncanny X-men #10 is here. With the way this story has been going, it can act either as a cherry on top or a fresh ball of shit on top of a chocolate pie. Apocalypse's asshole son, Genocide, is set to succeed where he failed. However, he has to succeed over a pissed off Magneto and a Psylocke who just fought a bitter ex-lover. It's like he uses the exact opposite of cheat codes, but maybe that's just his way of waving his dick in the face of Apocalypse. I've got a cold beer and a joint that says he's going to fuck up in some ways and I'm here to take it all in for your reading pleasure.

I imagine the fine folks in Green Ridge, Colorado are going to need more than a beer and a joint after this. After Genocide got a little too rough with Angel's lover, who happens to also be a sexy psychic ninja, he invites yet another method for which to screw himself. I guess pissing off Mystique and Magneto just wasn't enough. He has to make sure he's completely fucked himself beyond repair. There are overly depressed emos in high school that would say he's overdoing it at this point.

The fight is no longer fair because now there are an army of Archangels reining unholy hell on Genocide's quint little hideout. Psylocke finally decided it was time to ensue Genocide gets the ass-kicking he seems to so desperately want at this point. She has shown in this series that she has an uncanny ability to channel Arcangel's apocalyptic rage boners for good and she doesn't even have to flash her tits. That's power even Genocide has to respect.

That's not to say that this tactic is completely without risk. There's always a risk associated with unleashing a pissed off horseman of Apocalypse. Psylocke is the only one able to temper that risk. She's psychic. She's a ninja. She and Angel used to bang. She has every possible mechanism to reach him and ensure that he doesn't fall back into his Apocalyptic habits. I imagine the thoughts and memories of a naked Psylocke are far more powerful than any influence Apocalypse can conjure.

Psylocke puts that influence to use by going into Angel's mind. She even takes on her classic Psylocke costume, something that Greg Land does an excellent job of recapturing for this moment. The psychic setting of a church with dead bodies is creepy as shit, but still very appropriate. It sets the stage for Psylocke reconnecting with Angel again, something that nicely reflects their history together. At a time when Marvel seems too eager to ditch established romances so Spider-Man can hook up with Mockingbird, it's a refreshing moment.

It's almost as refreshing as seeing Magneto and Mystique kick Genocides ass. Almost. He pissed them off. He attempts to finish what Apocalypse started, minus Oscar Isaac's charisma and sex appeal, and fails miserably. No plan can succeed when it involves pissing off Mystique and Magneto.

It's a concise, brutal, understandably lopsided battle. This time, Magneto and Mystique have the edge and not just because they're pissed off. They have an army of Archangels as backup and Genocide has a town of brainwashed civilians too terrified to throw a punch. It's like a sick kitten fighting John Cena. It's not a fair fight. He does throw around some classic Apocalypse rhetoric, but without Oscar Isaac's influence, it's only too satisfying when Magneto and Mystique shut his ass up.

Genocide isn't the only one someone needs to shut up. As the plot with Genocide has been developing, another entirely different plot has been unfolding in the Morlock sewers. This one involves Sabretooth, Monet, and Monet's much less sexy twin brother, Emplate. Emplate, for reasons that only make sense after a joint or two, needs to psychically feed on mutants to remain anchored to this world. Monet and Sabretooth had to fight through a lot of mutant zombie types to get to him. However, Monet isn't as inclined to be as ruthless or efficient as Mystique and Magneto.

That sucks for her because the only way to save her hideous, mutant-murdering brother is to let him feed on her. It's not nearly as incestish as it sounds and Monet is hardly thrilled with the idea. Not wanting to set feminism back another couple decades, she doesn't completely stick to her promise to help her brother stop feeding. She channels her inner Hillary Clinton and flexes a little dishonesty, albeit in a way even Trump supporters might approve of.

She kicks Emplate's ass. She also makes clear that, siblings aside, she thinks he's a real piece of shit for tormenting mutants and using her to keep himself tied to this world. It's basically all the shit women want to say to internet trolls and ex-boyfriends. Yes, it is satisfying on some levels. Yes, it does end with Monet subduing Emplate and neutralizing him in a way that allows her to not completely break her promise, which is more than Hillary Clinton can claim. It's just not as dramatic or as emotional as it needs to be.

Why is this? Well, one might think this plot with Emplate has something to do with Genocide and Apocalypse Wars. One would be dead wrong, despite being perfectly logical. Outside arguments against creationists, that sort of thing shouldn't be par for the course. Cullen Bunn is usually so adept at tying in parallel plots into the same story. This time, they might as well be two separate comics in two separate arcs. Granted, both are pretty damn awesome by most measures, but their inability to gel makes it feel like a poorly constructed sandwich. It's still palatable, just not nearly as satisfying.

There's still plenty to digest with the battle against Genocide. In this battle, Psylocke holds her own and looks dead sexy while doing it. That's basically Tuesday for her. At some point, Fantomex has a chance to be an even bigger douche, but for once, he doesn't take advantage of it. After his douche-baggery in previous issues, that's a good thing. There's only so much douche-baggery a character can take on before they enter Hope fucking Summers territory. Even Fantomex doesn't dare take it that far.

Between Genocide's attack and Arcangel's minions, it's a hell of a spectacle and one Greg Land renders beautifully. People can say he uses too many Playboy centerfolds as tracing material. My eyes and my penis don't care. He helps bring scale and spectacle to this battle. Once Psylocke meets up with Magneto and Mystique, the results are a sight to behold.

However, the fight does not end when Magneto and his team run out of asses to kick. It only ends once Angel is subdued and Genocide's influence is purged from his mind. With Psylocke's help, she's able to figure out how Genocide fucked Angel up so thoroughly. It turns out that the wannabe cult leader version of Angel is actually a part of Arcangel that Genocide separated. That's why Arcangel is basically a blunt instrument now who has the personality of Kristen Stewart on valium. The only way they can balance out the bluntness and make Arcangel less likely to be Apocalypse's personal meat puppet is to re-merge.

It's not as sexy as it sounds, but it offers a certain level of drama. Angel makes it clear he doesn't want to be one bad hangover away from French kissing Apocalypse again. However, he's willing to re-merge with his Apocalyptic self if it will undo Genocide's shit storm. He does it because that's what a hero is supposed to do, especially in the presence of a woman who he used to sleep with. It makes Arcangel, by far, more likable than Fantomex will ever be.

Genocide is defeated. The innocent people of Green Ridge, Colorado will have to find another deranged cult leader now. Maybe they can call in Tom Cruise or something. On the plus side, the X-men have a fully coherent Arcangel back. So overall, it's a solid win on their part. There's still some awkwardness between Magneto and Psylocke. She isn't exactly thrilled with the revelation that he's been working with Mystique and her ex, but let's face it. That's not the worst secret Magneto could've kept from her. It's not like he had Gambit record her taking a shower or something.

This newfound mistrust comes at a time when Monet is now harboring her vampire-loving twin brother. Sure, he's not feeding on innocent mutants in the Morlock tunnels anymore, but now he's stuck inside her. She avoided becoming her brother's pet, but he's still pissing her off. So I guess that's another complication that's bound to screw the X-men over at some point, as if they can ever have too many.

Complications aside, Cullen Bunn does try to cap off his share of Apocalypse Wars on a high note. We get to see Psylocke and Angel share a moment again in Angel's mind. It's a moment that contains a wonderfully fitting message for any X-men story. Arcangel may be one of Apocalypse's many bitches, but now Angel is determined to forge a different path that doesn't involve being someone's bitch. He's not a blunt instrument anymore. He doesn't know what he is, but he's not going to let anyone who isn't a sexy psychic ninja influence that. It's the kind of empowered, understanding sentiment you just can't get out of an Inhuman comic.

So...is it awesome?

There's some wonderfully poetic undertones to the conclusion of this arc. It lines up nicely with classic themes of X-men, none of which involve sterility or Inhuman fart clouds. It has plenty of bloody, brutal moments that are to be expected in any clash involving Magneto, Mystique, and Fantomex.

That said, Uncanny X-men #10 just doesn't hit with the full impact that Cullen Bunn so masterfully set up in previous issues. The ending hit on the right themes, but feels rushed. That's not to say it's flawed. It's like a brownie without frosting. It's still good, just not as delicious as it could've been. Given the bar set by All-New X-men with its Apocalypse Wars tie-in, Uncanny X-men just doesn't measure up. It does set up some juicy plots moving forward, but the promise of a good brownie is never as satisfying as actually eating a brownie.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #10

Take a comic book fan, some booze, a bit of weed, and some dick jokes and blend them together. What you get is something that will be as appetizing as a triple bacon cheese burger with Jack Daniels for some or deep fried bustle sprouts dipped in horse piss for others. I take it upon myself to both feed and disgust comic book fans with my thoughts on certain books. So if you’re hungry, get your fork and plate ready because I’m about to post my thoughts on Uncanny X-men #10. If you have a weak stomach, either get a trash can or get some more bacon in your diet.

Now if you don’t find a couple of teenage girls fighting appetizing, then I’m guessing even bacon won’t save your stomach now. Because the first few pages of Uncanny X-men #10 reminds readers that having mutant powers and looking hot in skin tight outfits does not an X-man make, although it’s pretty damn close. New students still have to learn how to kick ass and that’s what Tempus has to do with Magik as a sparring partner. Because why not pit a 16-year-old Australian girl against mentally unstable Russian who recently took on Dormmamu? That’s like teaching a teenager how to drive by having them race in the Daytona 500 while all the other drivers are on meth. It’s not a fair fight, but then again the X-men are almost always on the ass end of unfair fights so I think it’s a good lesson. Plus, Emma Frost gets to chide her ex a bit. She hasn’t castrated Cyclops yet so I’m guessing she’s not as bitter as she could be.

While the rest of the young, aspiring X-men are learning how to kick ass and look sexy doing it, Magneto is just sulking by himself. And when a man is sulking without his porno stash readily available, nothing good ever comes of it. This is no exception. He’s clearly still pissed about his powers being broken, which STILL hasn’t been fully explained just yet. But I’m willing to overlook that if it leads to something more compelling.

However, I’m not sure if what happens here is as compelling as it is confusing. Magneto’s sulking is interrupted by a text message from someone who clearly has a poor understanding of how to use mayonnaise on a sandwich. I’m guessing their talking in code or something, but I can’t tell if Magneto is scheduling another secret meeting with Maria Hill or if he’s trying to order lunch from retarded deli. It turns out to be a message from Maria Hill and another instance of Brian Michael Bendis giving a shout-out to his home state of Oregon. But if this was meant to convey a James Bond type spy mentality, it failed. All it did was make me hungry and I don’t like to feel hungry until after I’ve had my daily joint.

The training with the young X-men is much less obscure and references much less mayonnaise. Tempus was still getting her ass kicked by Magik and like most teenage girls, there’s only so much pwnage they can take before they start ignoring the rules. But instead of offering the teacher a pair of her panties like some of the girls in my junior year of high school, she uses her time powers to freeze Magik before she could land another blow. It’s a perfectly reasonable “to hell with this shit” moment, but it throws in an additional twist that sadly doesn’t involve panties.

To this point in Tempus’s brief stint with the X-men, her powers have only involved her stopping time. On its own, that’s a pretty awesome power. She used it to pwn the Avengers a few issues back and she has proven to be more useful than a bottle of lube at a peep show in Amsterdam. But this time when she freezes Magik, she disappears when Tempus tries to free her. It causes a big “oh fuck, we just lost our teleporter!” moment. But then she shows up a minute later and we find out that she was just sent a minute into the future. This freaks Tempus out, but reveals a new skill for the X-men to utilize. They now have a mutant that can send people into the future. Is it a mere coincidence that this happens just before Battle of the Atom takes place, which happens to involve time travel? I suppose it’s only a coincidence if you also believe what the DEA says about weed turning people into mass murderers.

I still consider the DEA only slightly less trustworthy than Maria Hill at SHIELD, who has had a pussy boner for arresting Cyclops since the beginning of this series. Despite the coded messages involving deli meat, Magneto manages to decipher it and meets with Maria Hill in broad daylight in a park. I’m guessing that meeting at a gay bar in Los Angeles would have been too subtle. She tells him flat out that his role as SHIELD’s mole in Cyclops’s operation has yielded less returns than Anthony Wiener’s mayoral campaign. And unless he’s willing to give them something she can use to jam a pylon up Cyclops’s ass, they’re finished.

It’s actually more compelling than it sounds, at least as much as seeing the X-men gain another means of fucking up the timeline. Magneto being SHIELD’s mole is a story that began in the very first issue of Uncanny X-men and it hasn’t really been addressed that much. It’s good to see that the editors at Marvel don’t smoke as much weed as I do and remember details like this. It also shows Dazzler continuing her role with SHIELD, although at this point she may still be Mystique in disguise because fucking with both SHIELD and the X-men is like a three-way with two supermodels for her. And Maria Hill, being the stubborn bitch that she is, manages to get her way and it appears Magneto finally gives her something else to work with. Whether it’s something that will sufficiently fuck Cyclops over is left unclear.

The story then takes a radical shift that would make Sean Hannity shit his pants if his head wasn’t stuck so far up it. Another feature that the early issues of Uncanny X-men showed was the support Cyclops’s little Che Guevera speech was getting. It has actually been shown in other comics as well, namely All New X-men. Some regular humans actually like Cyclops’s message. The man has boned both Emma Frost and Jean Grey. He also recently pwned the Avengers. Even if you’re an avid Fox News viewer, you have to give the guy some level of respect. And now it turns out there’s a huge pro-mutant rally on a college campus in Michigan.

It’s actually a unique sight in X-men comics. Usually when there’s a rally with humans involving mutants, the message is that humans would prefer that mutants throw themselves in the nearest volcano. But in this world of NSA spying and Congressmen tweeting pictures of their dicks, some people aren’t exactly convinced when the government tells them they should hate a certain person. Just look at Edward Snowden and he never banged Emma Frost. This sort of pro-mutant rally is something that feels like it has been happening in some dark corner of the Marvel universe. Yet it has never been revealed like this and the X-men are almost as pleasantly surprised as I am.

Despite their first inclination that this is the same trap that sent Tommy Chong to jail, Cyclops takes a team and teleports with Magik to the campus. I imagine it’s like One Direction appearing at a tween slumber party for the audience. They look shocked and excited, but it’s hard to tell because of the very flat art style. But that’s nothing a few hits of LSD doesn’t cure if you don’t mind Emma Frost coming to life and yelling at you. What Cyclops is doing here makes total sense, although I don’t doubt there’s a touch of ego involved. He needs to reinforce the notion that the government is full of shit and they shouldn’t treat him like a criminal when innocent mutants get shot for no reason. And unlike most Marxist rallies at college campuses, this one actually has some relative substance.

But the speech Cyclops gives here actually tones his ego down to a point. He addresses the crowd, but he doesn’t just wave his dick in the air boasting a about how he pwned the Avengers and how he’s doing way more to protect innocent mutants than them. He actually tells these clearly gullible college students who probably get stuck with some very lousy weed that they shouldn’t bash the Avengers or any hero that makes the world a better place. And these are the same people who just a few issues ago tried to arrest his ass. Many do accuse Cyclops of having a bloated ego and he does to a point, but he also has some humility too and it shows here.

I also think it’s worth pointing out here that the students at this rally point out something that I’ve already pointed out on this blog in a less-than-sober mind. When Cyclops had the Phoenix Force, he used that power to make the world a better place. Then the Avengers attacked him and it all went to shit. Nobody else seems to have made that connection that the Phoenix Five only became dangerous when the Avengers starting attacking it. And if a bunch of debt-slave college students can figure that shit out, then the rest of the Marvel universe has no fucking excuse.

It would have been a great opportunity for Cyclops to make this abundantly clear to the public at large. But as is often the case when the X-men try to do something publicly, they get attacked by a giant robot. I only wish that was a joke, but anyone who has been reading X-men comics for more than a few months knows full well that it’s never long before giant robots start attacking the X-men. And this killer robot, called the Blockbuster Sentinel, isn’t looking to take Cyclops into custody. It’s looking to kill him and probably doesn’t give a damn that a bunch of innocent college students will get caught in the crossfire. It’s hard to say if this is SHIELD or some shady government agency, but the lack of concern for innocent college students leads me to believe they may have voted for Mitt Romney.

This issue did a great job of revisiting some of the key plots that made the early issues of this series so awesome. It also introduced some new dynamics with Tempus. It was still somewhat basic. I know a killer robot attacking the X-men will never get old, but it’s hard to know if this is something SHIELD has done or if someone with too much time and money watched too many reruns of Battlestar Galactica. The art may be lousy, but the fundamentals are sound. There’s a lot to like about Uncanny X-men #10, but it feels too short in the end. So I give Uncanny X-men #10 a 7 out of 10. It’s all about revolution and pissing off republicans. And what’s wrong with that? I’m not a revolutionary, but I will say it’ll enchant the inner Che Guevera in all of us. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #10 - Casually Charming Awesome

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