Heart, Rebirth, and Vision: X-men: Red #1

The following is my review of X-men: Red #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When a hero dies and comes back to life, it tends to cause varying degrees of upheaval. For some characters, namely villains like the Joker or icons like Thor, the extent of that upheaval is limited because it's assumed rather than expected that they'll return. The only real upheaval involves how team lineups get reshuffled and how much it'll frustrate heroes like Batman. Heroes returning from the dead is so routine, at this point, that the dramatic impact is almost muted.

Routine or not, the return of Jean Grey after a 14-year death sentence warrants an exception. Few characters affect the entire X-men narrative with their presence or lack thereof. It's impossible to make sense of the major events surrounding the X-men over the past decade-and-a-half without understanding the influence of Jean Grey. Her death and subsequent absence affected the X-men in ways that went beyond any death, resurrection, clone, shape-shifting alien, or time traveler.

As such, her return carries with it the kind of upheaval that's rare in an era where everyone not named Uncle Ben is a candidate for resurrection. That upheaval is still unfolding. With the conclusion of Phoenix Resurrection, there are no more teases or jokes. Jean Grey is back and she's returning to a world that is so different from the one she left that it's difficult to imagine her finding a place in it. After 14 years of functioning without her, a couple superhero civil wars notwithstanding, Jean faces the prospect of finding a new place in this world.

X-men: Red #1 marks Jean's first steps into re-entering a world that has left her behind, but has still struggled in her absence. The state of the X-men is mixed at best and messy at worst, a common byproduct of having too many time travelers and clones. In a sense, the time is right for someone like Jean to come along and get the X-men back on track.

Tom Taylor and Mahmud Asrar set the stage for that effort, establishing a new narrative for her with a new team. The core mission of that narrative is pretty familiar for an X-men comic. It's very much a back-to-basics approach, focusing on the true underpinnings of Charles Xavier's dream of peaceful coexistence. That dream may seem even more remote these days with mutants fighting Inhumans and X-men fighting Avengers. However, that's exactly why Jean's approach is so refreshing.

She doesn't try to reinvent what it means to be an X-man. From the very beginning, she does what the X-men have been doing for 50 years, helping innocent mutants who victims of hate or injustice. Like Charles Xavier before her, she doesn't just stop at saving the day and humiliating anti-mutant lynch mobs. She actually goes out of her way to show compassion and understanding to both scared young mutants and their parents. It's the kind of love and heart that even Charles Xavier couldn't always convey, even when portrayed by Patrick Stewart's uncanny charm.

That personal touch, going out of her way to show an extra bit of compassion, is an element of Xavier's dream that has been notably lacking during Jean's 14-year absence. That's not to say it was completely gone, but there's only so much heart and compassion the X-men can manage when Emma Frost is the lead telepath. X-men Red #1 effectively reaffirms Jean's place as the heart and soul of the X-men. She plays that part well, but that's still only part of the underlying narrative.

In returning from the dead after such a long absence, Jean Grey is in a unique position to assess the X-men and their efforts at human/mutant peace. By not being around during M-Day, Avengers vs. X-men, or the conflict with the Inhumans, she can be more objective than most in judging the effectiveness of their efforts or lack thereof.

Beyond just saving a couple innocent mutants, Jean acknowledges the no-win situation that mutants often find themselves in when attempting to better their situation. When they ban together and create mutant havens like Utopia, they become bigger targets. When they try to live their lives as individuals, they just become easier targets for hate-fueled lynch mobs. In either situation, they're targets and there seems to be no way around it.

When she's not saving innocent mutants, Jean attempts to forge a new path that's somewhere in the middle. It's not enough to just help mutants one at a time. Like Cyclops and Charles Xavier before her, she attempts to give mutants a larger voice on the international stage. While that makes her a target too, it can't be any less nerve racking than being dead for 14 years so there's little doubt that Jean can handle it.

It's her ability to forge a new team of X-men who can help her pursue this vision that brings out the true strength of the narrative. In the same way she injects a little heart into saving innocent mutants, she does the same in recruiting other mutants like Nightcrawler and Namor to her cause. She doesn't approach it like a diplomat or the leader of a mutant army. She just presents her hopes and dreams for a better future for mutants, never talking down to them or acting as though she's right by default. That ends up being more effective, much to the chagrin of every Magneto fan.

That element of heart is a big part of what gives X-men Red #1 so much appeal. It's not just about Jean Grey being alive again and having a chance to contribute to the X-men. It's about infusing elements into the greater X-men narrative that have been missing during her long absence. Even though these are familiar elements to anyone who saw an X-men movie other than X-Men Origins: Wolverine, they still resonate on a personal level that gives the story dramatic weight.

That weight ends up being important, especially at the end when Jean's approach gets tested in a big, brutal way. Heart or no heart, X-men Red #1 still exists in a world of killer robots, evil clones, and potential Skrull agents. There will always be powerful forces looking to strain, wound, or even break the hearts of someone like Jean Grey. The end reveals a threat that is in a position to strain her more than most, but that only makes her efforts more critical.

X-men Red #1 presents a flawed world in which Jean Grey is in a unique position to help. More than anything else, it shows that she has plenty to contribute, despite her long absence. In fact, that same absence puts her in a better position than most. If there's a shortcoming to that concept, it's that the scope of the story too limited.

It feels like it skips some critical elements, like showing Jean adjusting to a world she hasn't been part of for over a decade. Her place in the over-arching narrative of X-men isn't really established and, with the exception of a couple characters, she doesn't get a chance to deepen her personal connections to her new team. Some just end up going along with her because she's Jean Grey. Granted, that's not a bad reason to follow her, given her history, but it can't be the only reason.

This doesn't detract from the core of the story, though. If the goal of X-men Red #1 is to re-establish Jean Grey's place in the X-men, then it succeeds. If part of that goal involves reminding everyone what the X-men stand for and why a little compassion goes a long way, even in the face of hate, then it succeeds in that effort too. Taylor and Asrar do plenty to forge a narrative that remind everybody why Jean Grey was so sorely missed. Hopefully, she gets a chance to explore to pursue that narrative without cosmic forces trying to kill her.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Xtreme X-men #10 - Axis of Awesome

A few years ago, some asshole judge thought I had anger management issues because beating up the brain-dead hipster who gave me a decafe mocha late instead of a double shot espresso at Starbucks was a symptom of “serious issues.” His words, not mine. I can safely say that the experience was akin to being strapped to a chair and being forced to listen to Barney the Dinosaur sodomize an elf for three weeks. The problem wasn’t the information itself. I honestly didn’t know visualizing Santa Claus could help calm someone down. It was the burned out hippie running the class who made me want to shove my balls into a broiler. He was this annoying, touchy feely type guy who wanted every man in the room to surrender their testicles, put on a dress, and slow dance to classical music for the rest of the day. Needless to say, I punched the guy in the face the last day of the class and my anger issues were solved.

This kind of touchy feely leadership, if done with the same incompetence as the anger management teacher that now has a black eye, is almost infuriating enough to make someone want to vote for Rick Santorum. On the flip side, those uptight drill-sergeant leaders that grow up to be drill instructors or gym teachers are just as infuriating, except you probably won’t get away with punching them in the face. These are the extremes of leadership and for the most part, leaders not named after a dictator or a cult leader are somewhere in between. For a new leader like Dazzler in the pages of Xtreme X-men, it’s a matter of determining where in that spectrum she wants to be and how willing she is to risk getting punched in the face.

Since Greg Pak revitalized Xtreme X-men from the ashes of Chris Claremont’s genius, he’s made this inter-dimensional mission to hunt down evil Charles Xaviers a Dazzler-centric story. Because why the hell shouldn’t a story revolve around a hot blond who can sing, kick ass, and put on her own light show without having to smear glitter on her tits? As the mission has unfolded, she has been thrust into a leadership position and must lead a ragtag collection of displaced alternate X-men against deranged Charles Xaviers that range from evil wizards to cute little ponies. It sounds pretty fucked up and it is. But Pak has found a way to make it awesome and he’s also found a way to make Dazzler more compelling than most generic blonds can ever hope to be without marrying Hugh Hefner.

In the previous issue, Dazzler successfully wrestled away a leadership role from an alternate version of her that was far more qualified on the basis of her zombie-killing skills. She even found time to knock off another evil Xavier. Now in Xtreme X-men #10, she’s free to exercise her new leadership skills. So what does she do first? Perhaps drill the hell out of her team, make them do push-ups, and threaten to unscrew their heads and shit down their neck? Nope! She orders that they all take a break from killing evil Xaviers and go swimming. Hell, if this is how my anger management classes were run, I might have actually come to a few meetings sober.

But not everybody chooses to partake in Dazzler's fun-loving leadership. Black Cyclops apparently wasn't forced into bullshit anger management classes in his universe so he basically stays back until Kid Nightcrawler teleports his clothes off and prompts him to take a dip. This sounds a lot less gay than you think because as soon as he's in his skivvies, Dazzler's mouth goes dry and all the moisture goes to her other mouth (by that I mean her vagina). I won't make a once you go black, you never go back joke. But it's the kind of scene that would piss off a member of the KKK so for that I find it extra enjoyable.

But the appeal isn't just seeing a pretty blond get moist for a big, strong black man not named Denzel Washington. In this suggestive scene that involves frolicking around in underwear, we actually get some long overdue details about who this Black Cyclops is. He showed up pretty abruptly with zombie killer Dazzler in the previous issue and his backstory really wasn't explored. But now that he's in his underwear and has a chance to bone a hot blond, he explains to Dazzler that he comes from a world where mutants were enlisted to help win a Civil War from a History Channel version of Nick Fury and Charles Xavier. He and another team of mutant powered soldiers were so effective at winning the war that both racists and his own allies started to fear him. He claims he killed 6,000 men. I'm sure that sounds like a lot, but I'm sure Wolverine would probably laugh at that figure. He kills that many people when his favorite hockey team loses.

And it isn't just Black Cyclops that gets some time to build his story. Hercules, who also showed up with Zombie Killer Dazzler, takes some time to discuss where he comes from as well. His story isn't exactly as big a mystery. We already know he comes from the same world as Wolverine and that he's playing hide the flesh rocket in the peanut butter cavern with him. We also know that he comes from a world where people like Rick Santorum are actually taken seriously because two men loving each other just doesn't fly. In his world, he and Wolverine were the best warriors, but they had to work under a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. It was only after they killed the most powerful creature in their world, which appeared to be a T-Rex on crystal meth, that they revealed their love. Shit didn't exactly go over well. Hercules's father, Zeus, ended up throwing their bleached asses into Tartarus. I guess in his world Zeus wants his sons to favor vaginas or he's a registered republican from Texas.

Now I like that Greg Pak is taking some time to flesh out these characters. They all manage to really open up here, letting each other and the readers know they come from worlds that are pretty fucked up in their own unique way but still not as fucked up as a world where Cyclops is thrown in jail for making the world a global utopia. However, a lot of these details feel like details that it should have been revealed a few issues ago. It's nice that they can open up to one another while swimming in their underwear. I guess that may be part of Dazzler's team-building exercise, but it still seems out of place to the point of it being filler and filler belongs in a burger. Not a comic.

Filler aside, there's one aspect to Xtreme X-men that still sets it apart from every other X-book. It's one of those books where you can see twists on certain characters that aren't just unique, but they piss off the Fox News crowd. That's what happens when you make Cyclops black and Wolverine gay. But Pak isn't done pissing off the assholes who voted for Mitt Romney. He's fucked up the ethnicity and race of another beloved Marvel character. He made Namor Japanese! Okay, so maybe he's not beloved as much as he is desired by hot blondes, but it's yet another twist in a book that has had many good ones.

A Japanese Namor is just what Dazzler's team faces when their little bonding swim is interrupted by Sage, who informs them that they've discovered that this world has a nasty little alternate history that involves London being flooded. Before they could figure out how the fuck this could have happened, they're attacked by a Japanese Namor who has a hate-boner for Xavier. It marks the first solid bout of action in the comic and when Namor is involved, you can expect it to be destructive, egoistical, and panty soaking. So while he may be Japanese, he's still the same Namor. He may just care less for blondes and more for cute girls in revealing school-girl uniforms.

So if Namor is Japanese in this universe, what about Xavier himself? What could he be? What he possibly be in a series that has already had him appear as a freakin' pony? How about a fucking Nazi? If that revelation shocks you an any way, then clearly you haven't been reading this series or you've been reading it stoned. Because considering all the crazy, twisted version of an evil Charles Xavier we've seen, a Nazi Xavier actually isn't all that ground breaking.

He makes his big Naziriffic entrance after Dazzler's team battle Namor and manage to convince him that the Xavier-in-a-Jar that has been guiding them isn't the on he wants to rip apart. He shows up looking like every boss battle in every Wolfenstein game ever. Naturally, Dazzler's team reacts in the same way anyone would react if they saw a real Nazi. They try to murder his Hitler-loving ass. It becomes another glorious spectacle of a battle where Nazi Xavier flexes his Aryan superiority in ways that should make any hippie vomit. It's a fun scene, but feels a little condensed after the filler from the earlier parts of the issue.

But just like we saw with the creepy My Little Pony Xavier, this Nazi Xavier may not be what he seems. He uses his telepathy to inform Dazzler's team that he's not the same sinister Nazi that eats babies for breakfast and the innocence of little children for lunch. He claims Nazi's in this world aren't all that bad and he's trying to save the last remaining innocent survivors of a world that was drowned, presumably by Namor. It puts Dazzler's team in an awkward position because now they have to choose between helping a Nazi and helping Namor when he's got a rage boner. If ever there was a "we're fucked" situation, this was it. However, Dazzler is the leader now. She just showed she can be the nice, touchy feely leader by letting her teammates go for a swim. Now she has to show that she's also the kind of leader that can make a tough decision and make sure it's the right one. So what's it going to be Dazzler? A Nazi or a Namor? Even her tits can't help her escape this one and we won't find out what she decides until the next issue sadly.

There are only so many stories you can tell about killing Nazis before shit starts to get old. The video game industry has yet to reach this point and comics can’t seem to get enough of it either. However, as clichéd as it may be, it can still be a lot of fun and this issue proves it. The sheer diversity of Greg Pak’s universe-hopping Xtreme X-men makes it possible to create yet another world where a Japanese Namor and a Nazi Charles Xavier don’t feel like something a writer came up with while playing Call of Duty stoned one too many times. Like the evil pony of Charles Xavier, Pak is able to give this theme a unique charm that is just plain fun.

The only problem with that special charm is that it is somewhat buried in this issue. While it was nice to see Dazzler and her team get a little downtime, it had too much of a filler-like taste to it. This quiet moment was essentially used to help catch the readers up with some of the characters that hadn’t really been explored yet, namely Hercules and black Cyclops. I’m all for filling in the blanks. I’ve said numerous times before in a perfectly sober mindset on this blog that those kinds of details are what separate good comics from awesome comics. But another thing those awesome comics do is find a way to fit these details into the story. In this instance it just seemed squeezed into the story and really didn’t affect the plot with Nazi Xavier or Japanese Namor.

Because of this, Xtreme X-men #10 feels like two halves of a different book. One half is exposition and the other is the actual story. Both by themselves are decent, but putting them in the same book makes it feel disorganized. Plus, it’s a lot harder to read while stoned and I do think that’s an important issue to consider. And while the concept of a Nazi Xavier and Japanese Namor fits nicely with the theme of this series, it still comes off as more flat when compared to stories about pony Xavier’s and evil wizard Xavier’s.

But I’m still perfectly comfortable saying this book is pretty awesome. Greg Pak continues to make Xtreme X-men an entertaining interlude from the regular X-books. Where else will you find shit like Nazi Xavier’s, black Cyclopses, and Wolverine swapping spit with someone who isn’t a redhead with a nice rack? The artwork is consistently solid. The dialog is smooth and conversational. And the touch of drama adds a few extra sprinkles on the top. For that, I give Xtreme X-men #10 a non-racist, anti-Nazi 3.5 out of 5. There may never come a day where stories about killing Nazis gets old. There may never come a day where I don’t meet an anger management teacher I don’t want to punch in the face. But even if that day doesn’t come, we can still find ways to enjoy it every chance we get. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #20 - The Awesome Is NOT Over

Not too long ago, I poured my heart and soul into a review of Uncanny X-men #544. That issue was the final issue of Uncanny x-men before a relaunch. That shit was a big fucking deal because Uncanny X-men had been one of those series that had been coming out in some form or another since the days when Jack Kennedy was bending Marilyn Munroe over a sink so she could help him solve the other missile crisis in his pants. It was a powerful, emotional issue that took place in wake of an awesome event in Schism where the X-men were divided. Some left. Some stayed. It send a message that the world of Uncanny X-men was forever different and there was no going back. I got so emotional writing that review that I got drunk, cried like a baby, and called up one of my ex-girlfriend to vent my feelings. It ended up with some awesome pity sex so for that I deemed the end of Uncanny X-men fitting and appropriate.

Fast forward less than two years. I still have enough brain cells to remember that review and that issue. In that time I reviewed every issue of the relaunched Uncanny X-men and for the most part, it was a joy that led to more drunken rants and more pity sex. But now it's ending yet again. Uncanny X-men is having yet another final issue, stopping after just 20 issues to make way for All New X-men. It sure as hell isn't much time to develop a history. Hell, this shit was all written during the same presidential term and I'm shocked nobody in Congress blamed Barack Obama for what happened to the X-men after Schism. But the powers that be at Marvel have seen that fanboys and consumers are stupid enough to buy extra copies of any issue with a #1 on the cover so they'll take any excuse to relaunch a book. It may take away from the impact, but fuck if it doesn't make great business sense.

The relaunch of Uncanny X-men may not have been long, but it had some pretty awesome moments. And some of those moments actually took place in the major tie-ins with Avengers vs. X-men, a shitty event that stunk up various X-men and Avengers comics over the course of six months. Uncanny X-men under Kieron Gillen's brilliant pen found a way to shine through the shitty smell. But now that Avengers vs. X-men is over, it's left to follow deal with the aftermath like so many other books. And it also has to close out its series yet again to make way for a new series that Marvel knows will boost sales because we consumers are just that stupid. I can be as cynical as I want, but the fact remains that shit works and Marvel is a business last I checked. You tend to do shit that works and makes you money. All that blow and strippers don't pay for themselves.

But thanks to Gillen's pedigree and past experience with closing out Uncanny X-men, there's plenty of reason to have hope and I'm not referring to the bitchy rip-off character either. Moreover, this is Kieron Gillen's last take on this title before Brian Michael Bendis takes over and Gillen heads over to write the Iron Man series. It's basically exchanging getting regularly reviewed by a drunk to writing a drunk. I feel both honored and used, making it all the more important that this review count! Mr. Gillen, if you're reading this, consider this my last drunken hurrah!

Uncanny X-men #20 focuses on three general plots. It shows Cyclops in jail (before he gets fitted with that fancy power-suppressing headgear we saw in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences), Danger paying a visit to Unit in the brig of a now defunct Utopia, and Colossus sitting in the ruins of one of the Phoenix Five's world-hunger beating greenhouses. It's not exactly the kind of shit you expect to focus on for what's supposed to be another final issue of Uncanny X-men. Granted, these are all plots that Kieron Gillen has dealt with in his run, but it's still leaving out some pretty significant details like Emma Frost, Namor, Magneto, Storm, Psylocke, and how hot the psychic sex between Emma and Namor was when they humped during the siege of Wakanda. Okay, maybe that last part was just my on perverse curiosity, but you get the idea. Gillen only focuses on so much with this issue, but as he's shown many times throughout his Uncanny X-men tenure he knows how to make each drop of ink count.

The first issue he addresses is the most pressing issue for the extinction team. Cyclops, the guy who put this ominously named team of X-men together, is now in jail for crimes against humanity and/or creating a global utopia. I still don't know when that became a crime, but I've given up trying to figure that out. This takes place before Avengers vs. X-men Consequences so it allows Cyclops to get a quick visit from Kate Kildare, who earlier in Kieron Gillen's run became the X-men's official PR rep. It was an impossible job, akin to head of tourism for Iraq. But she made it work to some extent. Now she visits Cyclops to inform him that he now is viewed in the same mold as Dr. Doom. Going Dark Phoenix will do that to a guy's rep, even though he tried to help the world in a way Doom could never be bothered with. But she didn't just visit to tell him how screwed he is. That would make too much sense. Gillen throws a major twist into this little story and one that involves the kind of gender bending you won't find outside a gay bar in San Francisco.

It turns out that Kate Kildare isn't exactly Kate Kildare. She's Sinister. As in, the same Sinister who made himself an entire species and tried to control the Phoenix Five during Avengers vs. X-men. That little stunt got him and his own little mock-up of Victorian style England burnt to a crisp by cosmic flame. But if a guy is smart enough to make himself into his own fucking species, he's smart enough to have a backup plan. Well that plan involved taking the form of the X-men's PR rep, boobs and all. It's not just shocking. It's surprisingly logical for a guy who has taken on a woman's body before and somehow made it sexy.

A slightly less shocking twist involves Danger and Unit, the walking dick-joke who was the subject of Kieron Gillen's recent Uncanny arc that led into Avengers vs. X-men. Since then, Unit has been secretly controlling Danger in the same way oil companies control the Department of Energy. Danger clearly isn't okay with this, especially since she's actually responsible for managing all the X-men's prisoners, Unit included. But now that the Extinction Team are fugitives and Utopia is just a tourist attraction for tourists who are amazingly cheap, there's no reason for Unit to be there anymore. So he basically taunts Danger, saying he's leaving and she can't do jack shit about it. But before he leaves, he will release her from his control and the control she's endured for much of her existence. On the surface, it sounds like a gift. But somehow Unit manages to make it sound like a final fuck you.

Unit certainly interprets it as such. After Unit causes her to shut down just long enough to escape, never revealing his true plan in the process, Danger awakens and is understandably pissed. So like one of Donald Trump's ex-wives that was stupid enough to sign a pre-nup, she goes off on an angry rampage worthy of any creature that bears boobs of any kind. She's effectively free and the first thing she does with that freedom is open all the cells in the brig to release the prisoners. That's certainly not what most people would do with newfround freedom. Usually a fresh cheeseburger, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a hooker is the perfect epitome of freedom. But I guess freeing prisoners works. It doesn't just show how pissed Danger is. It shows how fucked up she can be now that she's free. I'm not sure what kind of stories this will lead to, but I'm pretty sure it's going to make for more shitty mutant PR.

Someone else who has a good reason to be pissed off is Colossus. This is another plot that Gillen has been developing for much of his run. During Fear Itself, Colossus refused to believe that his little sister, Magik, had turned into the kind of demon seed that in the real world would earn her a reality show on Bravo. So he sacrificed himself to the Cytorrak so that he could become the new Juggernaut. It cost him his girlfriend, his humanity, and his ability to look human outside a Raiders game. Yet he did it because that's just the kind of guy his is. Well Magik revealed during Avengers vs. X-men that she gave about as many fucks about his sacrifice as Rick Santorum gives about gay rights. She basically tells him she knew he would be fucked up by Cytorakk and just sat back, laughed her as off, and watched Colossus make an ass of himself. Now that he's also a wanted fugitive, he finally snaps and attacks his little sister. In any other circumstance, a guy beating up his little sister would be horrifying. When said little sister takes the fight to Limbo and openly taunts her brother, even the most ardent feminazi would root for Colossus.

In the end, Gillen throws yet another twist into the mix. While in Limbo, Magik reveals that she had the ability to remove the Cytorrak curse on him all along. That means he could still be swapping body fluids with Kitty Pryde, but she just couldn't be bothered to help him. She proves her point by actually doing it and then basically telling him she wanted to teach him a lesson. That lesson was simply to not sacrifice himself to someone who has since lost their fucking mind and that the little sister he once knew is as dead as Todd Akin's credibility. It all boils down to her not deserving his sacrifice and this is what she went through to prove her point. It's excessive, wasteful, and cruel. That kind of shit will get you promoted at Halliburton, but it isn't a very effective teaching tool.

This marks a pretty powerful moment for these two characters. For quite some time, Colossus has been a dedicated brother to his little sister. It's been one of the defining features of his character. But this scene essentially shatters that dynamic. Magik is not his sweet, innocent sister anymore. She's a demon seed who is beyond saving and she doesn't give a damn about it. On some levels, it's a metaphor for a little girl that was once so sweet, but then she discovered that she could manipulate men by wearing thongs and giving out blowjobs at the mall. In essence, she's not innocent anymore. Now we already knew that about Magik. Any reader that thought she could still be saved is high on something you can't get outside a Mexican pharmacy. But Colossus didn't realize it and the fact he has definitely leaves a solid impact.

The impact of Sinister's little revelation is just as potent, albeit less flashy. He spends some time essentially mocking Cyclops, explaining the failsafe he implemented while hatching his little let's-see-how-much-I-can-control-the-Phoenix-without-getting-burned plot. Before his Victorian kingdom got scorched, he paid a visit to Kate Kildare and did to her what Ted Nugant does to wounded deer. He then took her place, but made it so his persona was locked away in a manner that was undetectable even to the Phoenix. Once the Phoenix torched his kingdom, that persona activated. It wasn't just for his own survival. Sinister is also a man/woman who loves to just mock his enemies when they're utterly fucked. So even though his crimes and bullshit are too long to list, Cyclops is the one in jail. Paying him a visit just rubs it in his face in a way that has to be more satisfying than three way at the Playboy Mansion on Christmas.

In the end, Sinister sums things up nicely for Cyclops and for Kieron Gillen's run. Cyclops went to great lengths to protect mutants and ensure the survival of his race. Yet in the end, he lost everything. The world hates him, his friends hate him, and he's in jail. He won the battle, but Sinister is still free and in a new body with a nice set of boobs to play with. On a great many levels, that's a victory. He also indicates that he's got plans beyond playing with his new boobs. He doesn't give any clue as to what those plans are and that's a pretty glaring omission in a book that focuses on only a select number of details yet is still supposed to close out a series. Cyclops gets the message, but in the end it really doesn't have much impact. Of course it isn't over. Of course Sinister isn't going to cease his bullshit. Does yet another final issue of Uncanny X-men need to spell that out? I say no. Fans could have easily assumed Sinister survived in some way and found a way to give himself boobs. It's an unceremonious way for Gillen to end his run, but it gets the message across at the very least.

When Kieron Gillen first ended an era of Uncanny X-men, he had a pretty tall order. He had to wrap up decades of material in a way that both satisfying and appropriate to justify a relaunch. Against odds that would make a Las Vegas bookie cum in his pants, Gillen succeeded. But the odds for making the ending for this series after a mere 20 issues left bookies everywhere with relatively unstained underwear. There was clearly a conscious effort on Gillen's part to tie up a number of loose ends that he had been developing from his Uncanny X-men run. He managed to resolve a couple, but others were left untouched. Emma Frost didn't show up. Namor never showed up. Magneto and Storm didn't show up. They weren't even mentioned. So even though Gillen did an admirable job resolving the plots that he addressed, it still left the book feeling rather incomplete.

Even so, the book was still satisfying on some levels. It effectively filled a particular gap between Avengers vs. X-men #12 and Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1. It also effectively resolved the Magik/Colossus conflict with an emotional yet devious resolution that should make anyone who ever had nasty siblings feel a bit better about their situation. It also threw in a fairly satisfying twist with Kate Kildare turning out to be Mr/Mrs. Sinister, but offered little in terms of implications. The scene with Danger and Unit was a bit less satisfying, but it got the job done. It still didn't address the future of Utopia, the Extinction Team, or the bigger picture Gillen had established in Uncanny. You get the sense that he just ran out of ink, but he did well with what he had to work with as he so often does.

In the end, the issue itself feels incomplete. It doesn't have the same feeling as Uncanny X-men #544, not by a long shot. The end does offer some sense of a new beginning that makes a relaunch for All New X-men marginally understandable. However, it lacks the definitive feel that Gillen so effectively established previously. It will raise an eyebrow, but it won't induce any boners. It will spark some curiosity for All New X-men and Avengers vs. X-men Consequences, but it won't make readers foam at the mouth in anticipation for what comes next. It's just a solid comic that doesn't have the feel of a comic that should cap off yet another volume of Uncanny X-men. As such, I give Uncanny X-men #20 a 3.5 out of 5.

I sincerely wish I could give Kieron Gillen's last Uncanny X-men book a perfect score. Hell, if I had to score Kieron Gillen's entire run on Uncanny X-men, I would give it an unequivocal 5 out of 5. Coming off what Matt Fraction established, Gillen took Uncanny X-men to a level of quality it hadn't seen since the days of Chris Claremont. I can honestly say that I haven't been more satisfied with an Uncanny X-men run in over a decade. It's hard to believe that this series was once a level below used toilet paper during Chuck Austin's run. Kieron Gillen didn't just make Uncanny X-men awesome again. He made every issue and every arc his own event. It was awesome enough to make readers become sexually aroused by any British accent under any circumstances. Now that Kieron Gillen is moving on to Iron Man, I bid him a fond farewell with a heavy heart and fresh bottle of tequila. Thank you for so much awesome, Mr. Gillen! You will be missed by the fans of Uncanny X-men! If our paths should ever cross, I owe you several rounds and two lap dances from the strippers of your choosing! Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men: Thoughts and Reflections from New Avengers #29

I was planning to do one more review this week. One book in particular I wanted to touch on was New Avengers #29. I know I haven't touched on many of the Avengers tie-ins for Avengers vs. X-men. Again, that shit isn't my fault. Blame God for only giving us 24 hours in a day, which is hardly enough to live life as an honorable drunk and review all the comics I want. But after reading New Avengers, I decided to do something different. This was one of those issues that was really one of those aside issues where we get a break from the spectacle of seeing two superhero teams beat the shit out of each other and have prominent characters actually talk about what's going on. It may not sound very exciting, but it's shit like this that helps tie the overall story together and give it a fuller context.

One of the biggest moments in Avengers vs. X-men #8 (you know, aside from Namor decimating a whole fucking country) was Professor Xavier finally coming out form wherever he was sitting by twiddling his thumbs to scold Cyclops for...well, I don't know what the fuck he was so mad about. Cyclops to that point had been leading the Phoenix Five on a world-wide tour of utopian peace. He wasn't preaching mutant supremacy. He wasn't waving his dick in the faces of world leaders saying mutants are better than humans and they need to accept that or he'll rip off their dicks and burn them with cosmic fire. He was basically going around the world and saying all this war and violence and shit was no longer cool. It was time to listen to John Lennon for once and give peace a chance. So why the fuck was Xavier and the rest of the Avengers for that matter trying to shit all over that peace?

Well New Avengers #29 takes place before Avengers vs. X-men #8. So this is before the Phoenix Five showed any inclinations that may or may not lead them to wiping out a country. It starts with a quick flashback that helps remind readers that way back in the dog days of World War II, Captain America and Namor were basically war buddies. Hell, they were war BFFs. So him being part of the Phoenix Five is more personal than you see in the actual series. But that just sets the emotional backdrop. The meat of this issue centers around a meeting organized by Captain America, Iron Man, Dr. Strange, Reed Richards, and Professor Xavier. Together, they make up the Marvel version of the Illuminati, but not the Dan Brown kind and not the kind that you hear about on the Alex Jones radio show.

What they discuss is pretty basic, but pretty deep. They all take a moment to process what's happening. They knew the Phoenix was coming, but they done fucked it up by throwing one of Iron Man's untested gizmos at it. Now the Phoenix has five X-men in it's grasp and they're literally reshaping the world with their power without any oversight or any accountability. That's a perfectly legitimate reason to be worried, but it's Professor Xavier's stake in it that makes this shit personal.

Now I've already pointed out that Xavier was a massive tool in how he basically attacked Cyclops in Avengers vs. X-men #8 for shit that he didn't cause. Namor was the one that attacked Wakanda. Emma was the one that used the power of the Phoenix and her pussy (mostly her pussy) to tempt Namor into attacking. So why single Cyclops out? He flat out admitted in the next issue that he wasn't in a position to control Namor. Cosmic force or not, Namor is going to flex his ego in ways that can destroy countries and soak panties (and sometimes both). But in this issue, Xavier says that Cyclops is taking everything he was taught and twisting it. My only response is what the fuck is Xavier drinking and where can I get some?

Here's a little X-men 101. Going all the way back to the Lee/Kirby era, Xavier taught his X-men to use their powers to protect a world that hates and fears them. He taught them to use their powers to serve mankind and not dominate them. Well that's exactly what Cyclops is doing to the nth degree. He's taking the power of the Phoenix and using it to not only protect the world, but make it a much better place. He's not demanding worship or statues made out of diamond and children's tears. He's not oppressing the poor, hoarding the wealth, or plundering resources. He's using his powers to make the world better for both humans and mutants alike. He's giving them reasons to actually live in peace and going after the assholes that would threaten it, but without killing them. Was there a lesson I missed? Did Xavier somehow throw in a footnote that said "Oh, and don't try to solve all the world's problems even when you have the power to do so. Because that would be just too easy."

But I'm not the only one that notices this. It's not just crazy fans with blogs and drinking problems that have noticed that Cyclops's behavior is pretty much fully in line with Xavier's dream. Reed Richards comes out and proves with cold hard facts that the Phoenix Five are doing some damn good shit in the world. They're not attacking the Avengers, nor are they asking for them to surrender and carry a sign that says "I'm a douchebag and I was wrong" around their necks for the rest of their lives. He points out that poverty is down, crime is down, conflict is down, and the world is objectively safer with a cosmic force now protecting it. You think the Skrulls, the Kree, or even fucking Galactus would come near Earth knowing they have to deal with the fucking Phoenix?

Moreover, he also points out that the only time the Phoenix Five are getting volatile is when the Avengers annoy them. That's like hitting a beehive with a baseball bat and then whining when you get stung. It's also worth noting that they're the ones that attacked Utopia with a full scale invasion, demanding that they hand over their mutant messiah so they could take on a force they've had next to no experience confronting. Reed Richards is a smart man, one of the smartest in the Marvel universe even. Yet he's able to understand this and maybe his absence in Avengers vs. X-men is a reflection on it. Now he doesn't address the lingering concerns about the Phoenix's history of corruption and the lack of accountability with the Phoenix Five. But he makes a strong point about them basically creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by pestering them until they get pissed enough to throw their cosmic power back in their faces.

Herein lies what has become a microcosm of the Avengers vs. X-men story and one I'm sure Marvel planned from the beginning. Both sides have valid concerns. Neither the Avengers nor the X-men can be considered villains. It's much more gray than it was in Civil War. At least with that you assume the heroes that sided with the government were going to get screwed over. There is simply no other endgame when your on the same side as the fucking IRS. But Avengers vs. X-men has a very different set of circumstances.

For one, the Avengers started this mess. Their bullshit and their lack of experience in confronting the Phoenix Force is what led to this meeting in New Avengers #29 in the first place. It's easy to forget that it was Tony Stark's machine that made the Phoenix Five and it was the Avengers invading Utopia to steal Hope that led to the fucking Limbo prison. But the X-men are also assholes for thinking they can use this force that wipes it's ass with entire planets to kick start they're dying race. They're basically dancing on top of a mountain of nitro glycerine in hopes that they can control the Phoenix. To this point, they did with the Phoenix Five. They were making the world a better place, but the Avengers couldn't let it go because they felt it was only a matter of time before the Phoenix Five became corrupt. They may have hastened this process, but their concerns are valid.

In the end, the only clear line is the one that makes Charles Xavier a complete asshole. I can't for the life of me figure out why he's committing to stopping Cyclops when he's not the problem here. Why not Emma Frost? Why not Namor? Why not Magik? Why not focus on the people who actually have a history of abusing power in some very nasty ways? Does Xavier really believe that Cyclops will lose his mind before Emma freakin' Frost? I cannot for the life of me see the logic in that. Maybe I'm just smoking the wrong strain of weed, but Xavier is the only one in this event thus far that is dead wrong on damn near every level.

Issues like New Avengers #29 leave you wondering just what forces are at play here and who is ultimately responsible? Both the Avengers and the X-men are at fault, but neither seems to be seeing the big picture. With Act 1 and Act 2 now complete, they've already passed the point of no return. The Phoenix is becoming corrupt and it's only a matter of time before it ditches what's left of the Phoenix Five and moves onto it's next host (which will probably have red hair and green eyes and won't be named Jean Grey). However this event ends, it still leaves the question. Who's to blame? The Avengers attacked, but the X-men picked the battlefield. Marvel has done an excellent job balancing this event so far and Act 3 promises to bring it all together while giving fans like me plenty of reasons to get drunk and rant about it on the internet. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men #8 - Cosmic Destruction (of Awesome)

I don't pretend to know much about complex geopolitical situations. Unless it involves the precise formula that makes a perfect vodka/whiskey mix, my brain can only grasp a certain level of complexity. Considering how some of the most brilliant political minds on the planet couldn't figure out that invading Iraq was a shitty idea, I would say that nobody truly knows much about it. But I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that when you throw a massive tsunami at a country that's as friendly to outsiders as the KKK at a Wu Tang Clan concert definitely falls under the category of a geopolitical clusterfuck.

I admit the notion of throwing geopolitics into a big event like Avengers vs. X-men is like someone pouring gasoline into a tub of chocolate. You'll still eat it, but there's a chance your liver is going to crawl up out of your chest and kick your ass. However, that shit is pretty much unavoidable in the context of the story that Avengers vs. X-men is telling. Act 1 was basically Marvel finding ways and excuses to make the X-men and Avengers fight like two crack whores clawing at each other for the last rock of crack. They found pretty damn good excuses as well because it was pretty fucking awesome for the most part, but Act 2 has changed the nature of the struggle. Once Cyclops, Colossus, Emma, Namor, and Magic became drunk on Phoenix power thanks to Tony Stark's beta version of his Phoenix killer, they've been reshaping the world in a way you won't find outside a John Lennon song. They're finally standing up and saying "Enough with this war, bigotry, and Karl Rove bullshit! We're going to have world peace and prosperity for all and anyone who is against that can suck my Phoenix-powered cock!" Okay, so maybe they were a little nicer about it, but you get the premise.

Well the Phoenix Five's efforts to remake the world would be all peaches and pot brownies if the Avengers didn't still have Hope in their possession. Not only that, the Avengers keep picking fights with the Phoenix Five. To be fair that's because the Phoenix Five are now taking them prisoner, but considering how they took their mutant messiah that's somewhat understandable. Then in Avengers vs. X-men #7 this whole peace and love approach started to crack under the frustration of the Avengers sheltering this annoying redheaded bitch not named Jean Grey. So in a move that is sure to make Cyclops's penis shrivel, Emma Frost got cozy with Namor in the same way a stripper gets cozy with an executive from Goldman Sachs on bonus day and lets him know that the Avengers have Hope and a prisoner they took, Transonic, in Wakanda. Namor's solution? Lead a massive fucking wave attack on the most technologically advanced nation in the Marvel universe. Still makes more sense than the Iraq War.

Avengers vs. X-men #8 continues this geopolitical uber-fuck by following Namor as he lays waste to Wakanda in the same way Chris Christie lays waste to an all-you-can eat donut buffet. This isn't Iraq mind you where the army consists mostly of teenagers with guns, pick-up trucks, poor training, and no porn to jerk off to. This is Wakanda, the most technologically advanced nation in the Marvel Universe. The Avengers know they're pissing into the wind so they make sure Iron Man gets all his gear to K'un L'un while the Avengers prepare to take on Namor. I would almost rather have a prostate exam done giant squid.

Namor attacks the Avengers with is usual bravado that would soak the panties of any woman with daddy issues. But in addition to his usual towering testicle taunting, he offers a reminder of why he went behind Cyclops's back to begin with. He yells at Captain America for rejecting all this good shit the Phoenix is providing and for reasons that aren't entirely egoistical, he doesn't appreciate that. Now it's still possible to argue that the X-men have a good point about remaking the world and the Avengers have a good point about them having no accountability. But it's nice to see here that there's actual motivation behind Namor's stunt and for once it doesn't primarily involve finding a way to bone Emma Frost (although I'm sure that's a major factor).

Whatever morally gray argument can be made here is quickly lost dialog is traded for another epic-scale brawl. This time it's not the Avengers vs. the X-men. It's the Avengers vs. Namor with Phoenix powers. Even in that context, it still sounds like a pretty lopsided battle. But this time the Avengers have just one target and plenty of motivation with which to tenderize his sea-loving ass. This guy just laid waste to a country that happened to be the kingdom of one of their own. When shit gets that personal, geopolitics goes out the window faster than I do when I find out the hot chick that invited me up to her room to check out her thong collection had a retired marine with an M-16 collection for a father.

The battle that follows is richly detailed even if it is overly basic. It starts off with the Avengers landing a few punishing blows. However, you get the sense that Namor is just fucking with them and letting them get in a few free shots Rocky Balboa style so they can at least entertain the possibility that they may get out of this battle in one piece. But like Muhammad Ali with the rope-a-dope, he reminds them he's the fucking man real fast. He's not just the king of Atlantis with a taste for hot blondes now. He's the king of Atlantis with a taste for hot blondes and the fucking Phoenix Force. This means he can do shit like break Red Hulks arm and take a shot from Thor's hammer. It's as brutal as it sounds.

Now when someone goes out of their way to launch a full scale invasion of a country like Wakanda, that shit is bound to get noticed. Cyclops never sanctioned this shit at any point. He was content to let the Avengers run and hide while they focus on more important shit like ending world hunger and poverty. For once, that shit isn't sarcasm. But when Magneto tells him Namor is riding his titanic sized balls to a battle on Wakanda, he's understandably miffed. Emma brushes it off, telling him that he never should have expected to control a man with a hard-on for violence and hot blondes. Cyclops asks her if she knows anything about this (spoiler alert: she did and she fucking encouraged him) and she dances around the question. Yet Cyclops doesn't call her out on her shit and just prepares to reign Namor in.

This had the potential to be a very dramatic scene because Emma did something pretty fucked up here and it went beyond just lying to the guy she's currently sleeping with. She instigated this shit by telling Namor where the Avengers were and she faces absolutely no scrutiny. Given Cyclops has the Phoenix Force too, he has no fucking excuse. He should know his girl is being a deceitful bitch here and he does absolutely jack shit like he's done when he's not wielding the Phoenix Force. I could go on another long rant about how Marvel never develops any drama with Cyclops and Emma, but since future covers show them fighting in ways that would get them their own Jerry Springer special I'll hold off for now. But trust me when I say I've got my whiskey in hand in case we get the same dramatic acrobatics.

Back on Wakanda, the Avengers are still chasing their own tales against Namor. However, they had no intention of this being their last stand. Before Iron Man ran like a chicken shit to K'un L'un, he told Captain America about a secret weapon of sorts. Well that secret weapon had tits and is named the Scarlet Witch. It was already established in other issues that her powers actually hurt the Phoenix. Well this time they try to use a more direct approach and unleash Wanda on Namor. It makes for a very flashy battle that shows more struggle than a man taking a shit after binging on four jalapeno burritos.

The end result is a striking turn in the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Namor is actually defeated. Even with his bravado and the Phoenix Force, he couldn't come out on top this time. He falls to the ground (not dead mind you) and the Phoenix Force says "You lost, you pussy. I'm outta here." and leaves to link up with the four remaining Phoenix hosts. So not only do the Phoenix Five become the Phoenix Four, but they all become more powerful. It's yet another instance where the Phoenix is twisted in a new way. Plus, it sets a precedent for future conflicts. If someone can lose their Phoenix, then what's preventing them from a cosmic power struggle? It also leads you to wonder whether Emma knew about this and used Namor's desire to get into her pants to take his fragment of the Phoenix. The possibilities are vast and awesome.

But the twist with the Phoenix leads to another twist of the more fucked up variety. As the Phoenix Four are now absorbing their new power, Charles Xavier takes a break from jerking off in whatever hole he's been hiding in to telepathically scold Cyclops for what he's doing. He essentially tells Cyclops that while forcibly remaking the world with a power he knows full well is dangerous is all well and good, but now he's gone too far. He warns him to stop whatever he's doing or he will stop him. He's basically like a teenage boy's father trying to tell his kid to quit masturbating. Cyclops basically tells him to fuck off, but it still makes for a rather random moment for Xavier to rear his head again.

Now let's back up for a minute. Cyclops did NOT order this attack on Wakanda. Hell, he was the pacifist in the last issue. Yet Xavier is blaming him for this shit? In what parallel universe does that make sense? Cyclops did not contribute at all to this bullshit. It was all Namor, courtesy of Emma Frost dangling her pussy in front of him like a chocolate dipped strip of bacon. Aside from this latest clusterfuck, Cyclops's focus has been on making the world a Utopia. Yet Xavier is yelling at him? I'm starting to like that asshole better when he was crippled.

Xavier comes off as the biggest raging douche in Avengers vs. X-men to date and that includes cosmic entities. The rest of the Avengers were teleported to K'un L'un before the Phoenix Four could flex their new power, but they all concede that they might as well be Charlie Brown trying to kick the football from Lucy. They can beat one Phoenix if they throw everything they have at it, but it only ends up making the others stronger. Even with Hope and the Scarlet Witch, how the fuck are they going to beat that?

Reading this issue of Avengers vs. X-men is probably the simplest lesson in geopolitics anyone is ever going to learn anywhere at any time. The point is very simple. If you unleash a huge fucking attack on technologically advanced country, you're going to get your ass kicked even if you have a cosmic power and an ego the size of Montana. It also teaches the invaluable lesson that it's possible to fuck yourself over without a bottle of lube or a batch of bad crystal meth at a gay bar. This issue was largely dominated by the Avengers beating up on Namor and Namor trying to once again prove that his balls are bigger than all the world's oceans. Except in this case his balls couldn't take the strain and should probably stick to orgies with hot blondes. But while the bulk of the issue may have been overly basic, the outcome was a major turning point.

This is one comic where you could probably read the first few pages and the last few pages and still not miss a beat. Don't get me wrong. The middle parts are still pretty damn awesome and there's a certain smug satisfaction in watching the guy who likes to flirt with married women and steal kisses from other men's girlfriends get his ass kicked. However, there wasn't much else beyond that. The big theme here was that defeating one member of the Phoenix Five only emboldened the rest of the Phoenix wielders. It didn't just leave the Avengers more screwed than midget hooker at a bachelor party for NBA stars. It once again altered the nature of the Phoenix. Now it's concentrated in four X-men and how they handle that extra power may be the driving force behind their eventual downfall.

This major shift is what makes this comic worth reading. It's also what makes this issue awesome in the same mold as the other issues that have come before it. However, the bullshit by Charles Xavier along with the lack of details in the middle render it somewhat behind it's predecessors. But saying this is the weakest issue of Avengers vs. X-men is like saying it's the least attractive Playboy playmate in an orgy with Hugh Hefner. This is a solid issue that definitely changes the stakes for the Avengers and the X-men. As Act 2 draws to a close, it's setting the stage for some pretty fucking incredible struggles. For that, I give Avengers vs. X-men #8 a 4 out of 5. The king of Atlantis has fallen and so have his chances at a cosmic romp with Emma Frost. While he may be off the board, the rest of the Phoenix wielders have plenty of romping left. They're probably going to need some cosmic powered lube for Act 3, but I think it's safe to say they've ensured everybody's dick (or clit if your a lady comic lover) is hard enough to enjoy it. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #12 - Innuendo and Awesome

Sex. Now that I have your attention I'm ready to begin my review of yet another issue of Uncanny X-men. Now I didn't just say sex to get your attention. I may have said it because I just finished watching three hours of anime porn and my dick is still hard or maybe I'm trying to set the tone for what this issue has in store. Or maybe I'm just a little drunk. Well, I'll leave it to you the reader to figure that out and save the rest for my parole officer. My point is that comics are full of sexy, ridiculously proportioned men and women. Why not celebrate it every now and then? When you have a great writer like Kieron Gillen and an artist like Greg Land who probably uses porn stars as tracing material, you're bound to do a little titillating and make some 13-year-old boys that haven't gotten around porn filters on their computers yet very happy.

You may think that there isn't much time for wanking and hanking in the pages of Uncanny X-men and you would have a valid point. Uncanny X-men is in the midst of Avengers vs. X-men and who has time to get their freak on when two superhero teams are mashing it up? Sure, beautiful women can get into those sexy uniforms with ease, but getting out of them to do a little boinking is just too much. But like every tie-in linked to Avengers vs. X-men, Uncanny X-men has it's own style and it's own theme. So far the tie-ins for Avengers vs. X-men have been above average. Most tie-ins are hit or miss with more misses than hits. Marvel seems to be getting it right this time and Uncanny X-men is one of those titles they probably don't want to fuck up.

Uncanny X-men #11 was the first tie-in and it didn't try to use sex to sell the story. It was essentially an extended recap, covering the points of view of several characters as we relived the events of Avengers vs. X-men #1 and #2. It's about as gripping as it sounds, but it did offer some intriguing new insight. However, it didn't really move the story forward in the context of the overall struggle between the Avengers and the X-men. Uncanny X-men #12 is poised to take a different approach and hopefully one that doesn't just act as an extended reminder. This is the 21st century. We have apps for that shit.

Uncanny X-men #12 picks up shortly after Avengers vs. X-men #3. It catches up with Cyclops and the team of X-men that slipped out of the Avengers grasp courtesy of a little trick from Magik. They've since surmised that Hope may be in the Savage Land, Tabula Rasa, Latveria, Wakanda, or Wundagore. Since the Avengers have sent teams to each location, the X-men are obligated to do the same less their collective dicks not measure up. Namor leads a team consisting of Sunspot and Hepzibah, two characters that have been in the pages of Uncanny as many times as my Aunt Pumpkin O'bigtits. It seems like a random team, but Kieron Gillen has fun with it by showing that Hepzibah clearly didn't get laid enough while she wasn't a major character because she hits on Namor from the get go. To be fair, he's a fucking king with the body of an Olympian. He is to women what Pamela Anderson is to men, minus the silicone.

Their chosen battleground, Tabula Rasa, should be familiar to anyone who has been reading Uncanny X-men for the past few months. Unless of course you smoked more weed than me, then you're lucky if you remember how to wipe after taking a shit, but I'll assume your dealer isn't that stupid. The X-men have been to Tabula Rasa, but the Avengers have not. So when Luke Cage, She-Hulk, and Thing show up they might as well be a transvestite hooker in Pat Robertson's church. They find out that the landscape is not very forgiving and while it may make for a good post card, it's like those berries you end up eating while stoned. They turn your insides to molten magma and give you diarrhea for the next three days. So they're already at a disadvantage.

This would be difficult enough, but for the reader it's a point of confusion. I'm not talking about the unforgiving landscape of Tabula Rasa. I'm talking about She-Hulk's presence. Now I understand why the Avengers would want a super strong woman with green skin that looks great in skin tight outfits on an unforgiving landscape like Tabula Rasa, but she was already playing a major role in the pages of X-men Legacy by making Rogue sexier with green skin. Now maybe this comic takes place sometime before or after the events of that comic, but it isn't very clear or very logical. I know tie-ins sometimes result in the writers or publishers just saying "fuck it, let's show heroes beating each other up" it's still one of those little things that make's it look like Marvel isn't trying as hard as they need to.

Inconsistencies aside, the Avengers quickly find out that the so-called intelligence they're relying on to find Hope is about as reliable as stock tips from Bernie Madoff. They make their way to a nearby cave and as anyone who has read more than two comics will tell you, caves in comics either contain unparalleled treasures or a horrific monster or both. Let's jut say that when Thing comes out of the cave, his net worth is the same. Tabula Rasa hasn't become any less forgiving since the last time Kieron Gillen and Greg Land visited it and many fans will probably appreciate that.

Unlike the Avengers, Namor's X-men team has it much easier. During the X-men's last trip to Tabula Rasa, Namor couldn't keep it in his pants and ended up fucking an alien underseas queen that looked like an overgrown tapeworm. Say what you will about Namor's inability to stop himself from humping anything that has a fuckable hole, but he knows how to make an impression on a woman or woman-like creature. That queen was nice enough to escort Namor's team through Tabula Rasa. It's the least she could do for getting freaky with a king. Hepzibah is even lurid enough to ask for details. She can't speak the language, but she can probably assume that whatever this creature considers multiple orgasms was a significant factor.

This time it's the X-men that get the drop on the Avengers. Namor lands the first blow, hitting Luke Cage and going right for Thing since their little scuffle during Avengers vs. X-men #2 didn't exactly go his way. The battle plays out with varying degrees of action, but the main factor here is the effectiveness of home field advantage. The X-men know this territory and it shows. They clearly seem to have the edge, but the Avengers do put up an admirable fight. Sunspot certainly shows his youth in his inability to hold up against She-Hulk and Thing. Hepzibah shows she may have skills with her guns (and I'm not referring to her boobs), but that only goes so far against three Avengers with bullet-proof skin. If she's trying to get into Namor's pants, she might have to plan on getting fresh batteries for her vibrator.

Despite some of these setbacks, Namor shows that he's still a freakin' king and he knows how to fight dirty. He goes so far as to grab Luke Cage and use him as a bat to knock around She-Hulk. I'm a bit surprised that he didn't offer to make She-Hulk die of multiple orgasms, but I guess he's not turned on by a woman that isn't a tapeworm queen or has blonde hair and big tits. Luke Cage and She-Hulk are definitely roughed up and it's a pretty satisfying way to see them defeated. Namor hasn't had a chance to shine in a way that doesn't involve making Emma Frost's panties wet, but this definitely helps.

He then turns his attention to Thing, the everloving asshole that was able to get the better of him back during the early parts of the Avengers vs. X-men brawl. This battle is much more thorough. They lay into each other like a drunk Ohio State alum against an equally drunk Michigan alum after a football game. As they're going at it, they're being watched by another familiar face from Uncanny X-men. His/her name is Apex, the lovable yet twisted creature that is the last of his kind in Tabula Rasa. He shows that despite having too much free time and no females to hump, he finds ways to get aroused. He actually goes so far as to stop Thing and Namor so he can get a better seat. He thinks this is a mating ritual for humans and as creepy as that sounds, he's still as lovable as he is perverted.

Now do you see why I opened this review with jokes about sex? First we had Hepzibah looking to jump Namor's bone. Then we have Apex trying to study the mating rituals of superhumans. Even though this is a serious tie-in that shows the Avengers and X-men fighting over who will possess Hope, there's still some room for dirty humor. Leave it to Kieron Gillen to make readers think superheroes fighting counts as foreplay. But in this day and age when you can get a boner from damn near anything, it's not as ridiculous as it sounds.

Before the battle ends with more awkwardness, Magik shows up to teleport Namor's team away. At this point the timeline catches up with the events in Avengers vs. X-men #4 where the X-men found out where Hope is going. That means Cyclops is recalling the Extinction team so they can take a quick trip to the moon. If you read Avengers vs. X-men #4, you know how that shit ends. For Uncanny X-men #12, it represents a nice ending that fits the events of the Avengers vs. X-men mythos into a much more complete picture. While some details may have been messed up and laced with sexual humor, it still feels satisfying and enjoyable in the end.

I once tried on a pair of nearly seamless underwear. My balls thanked me and my penis smiled. That's because a seamless piece of work is to be celebrated. Avengers vs. X-men is a big motherfucking event and it's full of a shit ton of tie-ins. They don't have to fit together perfectly. They just have to fit together. Yet Marvel has found a way to make it as close to perfect as possible without making my penis smile again. I say it's close because there are still some inconsistencies, but in the end it does succeed in doing what a tie-in issue is supposed to do. It tied in the events conveyed in this issue to the events that would later play out in Avengers vs. X-men #4. I know that may not sound like much. Hell, it sounds like wondering what the movie "Snakes on a Plane" is about. But it's remarkable how few comics get that shit right so that makes Uncanny X-men #12 special.

It's not without some concerns. The presence of She-Hulk on Tabula Rasa after her presence was such a big spectacle in X-men Legacy is confusing and a little fucked up. So is Hepzibah's sudden appearance after being MIA so so fucking long. Someone like Sunspot is acceptable given his role in other comics like New Mutants, but Hepzibah? How she entered the fray would have made for a nice aside, but she just happened to be in a position to get her panties wet around Namor. I'm all for throwing in a hot alien chick, but a little explanation here and there goes a long ways. But I guess that's just me.

Uncanny X-men #12 is still solid all the way through. It doesn't just recap shit like the last issue did. It actually takes one of the many battles currently unfolding in the Avengers vs. X-men conflict and expands on it. Moreover, it takes events from recent issues of Uncanny X-men and incorporates them into the conflict. Throwing in a little sexual innuendo along with some dirty jokes also really helps and Kieron Gillen's mastery of dialog is just icing on the crack of a strippers ass. I give Uncanny X-men #10 a 4.5 out of 5. Tie-ins are pretty erratic, not unlike Charlie Sheen when he hasn't had his daily helping of cocaine and hookers. Avengers vs. X-men is actually bringing some consistency into the mix. It feels like it should've been done long ago, like withdrawing from Iraq. At least this time we didn't have to elect a Black President to do it. Thank you for saving us the campaign ads, Marvel! Nuff said.

Uncanny X-men #11 - Reflections on Awesome

I have a very simple policy when it comes to filler. Unless it's part of a stripper's breast implants, I'm generally against it. Filler in comics is no different than the filler in the Chicken McNuggets served in McDonalds. You don't know where it comes from. You don't care to know either. And while the taste may not make you sick, it's more bland than Al Gore's facial expression. Big comic events tend to have a metric fuckton of filler. That's why you don't often see me review tie-ins on this blog. I'm sure some of them have great stories to tell, but in the grand scheme of things they're basically the guys in Star Trek with the red uniforms. They tend to be expendable, forgettable, and they never get you laid.

Since Avengers vs. X-men is shaping up to be the biggest Marvel event in a decade, it's impossible to avoid the filler that comes with tie-ins and what not. While I do plan on focusing primarily on the main 12-issue series, some of these tie-ins run through some of my favorite books so I can't avoid them anymore than I can avoid a wet T-shirt contest at a Mexican bar. And like a serving of Chicken McNuggets at McDonalds, I'll partake in these tie-ins/filler every now and then. I won't even need to be drunk at one a.m. with a bad case of the munchies. But there's reason to be hopeful about the Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins and it's not just because it has the potential to show more pages of the X-men and Avengers kicking each others' ass.

The first tie-in I reviewed was Jason Aaron's Wolverine and the X-men #9. It was a comic that expanded on a scene in Avengers vs. X-men #1 where Captain America paid Wolverine a visit. It didn't just add in some extra dialog or give Aaron another excuse to do scenes with Kid Gladiator being a douche. It actually told a compelling story that didn't feel like a tie-in. It's like finding a McNugget that was dipped between Jenna Jameson's breasts and submerged in chocolate. It gave me hope that future tie-ins would be better than history would lead us to believe.

This leads us to Kieron Gillen's first tie-in issue with Uncanny X-men #11. If ever a writer earned the benefit of the doubt (and a free lap dance from my sister), it's Gillen. He's made Uncanny X-men one of the top X-books on the market. Now like Jason Aaron, he takes a number of scenes right out of Avengers vs. X-men #1 and expands on them. Is it still filler? Well if it's awesome, who the fuck cares? Uncanny X-men #11 carefully weaves itself into the events of Avengers vs. X-men #1, showing Cyclops's and Emma's reaction to Hope's little Phoenix tantrum during her 'training.' With help from Dr. Nemesis, they find out that this wasn't your typical PMS-level Phoenix flare. This one actually sent out a signal that some very interested parties (namely the Avengers) would pick up on. It actually explains nicely how Cyclops was so prepared when the Avengers decided to kick diplomacy in the nuts and attack their ass in Avengers vs. X-men #2. And that's the mark of a good tie-in issue, filling plot wholes with the same efficiency as a giant tampon.

The issue then goes from filling in some holes from Avengers vs. X-men to expanding on what happened in the previous issue of Uncanny X-men. That's right. Gillen wasn't content to play off the main series. He actually thought it would be prudent to expand on his own series. It may sound obvious, but I can only assume that the sheer lack of such depth in previous tie-ins was simply a result of comic writers having shitty weed dealers. But I digress.

In the previous issue, the now imprisoned Unit requested to speak to Hope. It was implied at the end that he told her about the Phoenix Force, which would help explain how she seemed to know about it in Avengers vs. X-men #0 (I'm sorry, but continuity can be a beautiful thing so it's worthy pointing out). Now he goes on to give a lecture about destiny and choice. It sounds like he's telling her that she shouldn't give a damn what the other X-men think. She needs to choose her destiny in the end. But as soon as she leaves, he makes a snide remark about how he knows she'll have to make a sacrifice. He taught her one thing while believing the complete opposite. Put on a black robe and he's practically a Catholic priest.

It's an ominous hint that nicely connects the first scene. However, there was nothing ominous about the next scene. It essentially just replays what happened in Avengers vs. X-men #1 when Cyclops flexed his scrotal muscles and shot Captain freakin' America when he demanded that the X-men hand over their mutant messiah. The difference here is that the scene is being narrated by Namor. Okay, so the transition from Hope to Namor made about as much sense as Bernie Madoff's bank account. But it's still a compelling scene because it offers a little insight into why Namor is fighting alongside the X-men. Anyone who knows his history also knows he has far more experience fighting alongside the Avengers. Yet he sees the mutants as analogous to Atlantis, a small group on an isolated plot of land being oppressed by much larger forces. He doesn't mention that the promise of Emma Frost's pussy is keeping him there as well, but he does make clear that while he would prefer to go snorkeling with her he respects Cyclops too much NOT to fight by his side.

Namor quickly joins the battle as it unfolds between the Avengers and the X-men. As he draws some Avengers into the water, Colossus takes a dip as well. It's a somewhat smoother transition here because it picks up on the battle between Colossus and Red Hulk that was only left to the readers' imagination in Avengers vs. X-men #2. Since I'm low on acid, that shit pissed me off so I'm glad we got some more details regarding this battle between the Unstoppable Russian and the blowhard General who looks like a giant rectal wart. But aside from the big time slug fest, Colossus takes some time to do some narrating of his own. Gillen makes another connection to the previous issue where Colossus started showing concerns that he was becoming too unstable with the power of Cytorak. His insight is disturbingly delightful, like reading the journal of Kathey Griffin when she's on peyote. At first he seems to be holding back, but once Red Hulk pisses him off to a certain point he starts to flash some monster mojo that red skin and hulking muscles just can't compete with.

The story then picks up with Hope again, but it's another instance where the transition and the context leave you scratching your head like Chaz Bono at public restroom. Gillen does the same thing he did with Namor, taking a scene from Avengers vs. X-men #2 and expanding on it with his trademark inner monologs. This time Hope narrates the scene where she first flashed her Phoenix potential just as Wolverine was attempting to jam his adamantium appendages into her bowls. In addition to that making a good title for a gay porno, Hope offers some decent insight into what was going through her mind when she started rubbing elbows with that cosmic parrot. She reflects on the rush the power gives her. Wait...a redheaded mutant being overwhelmed by the rush offered by the Phoenix Force? Where have we seen that shit before? It doesn't help that Greg Land's artwork truly shows the extent to which Hope is a Jean Grey ripoff, but it nicely reflects the transformation she went through.

While Gillen's insight here was as enjoyable as can be expected, it didn't exactly fit with what happened in Avengers vs. X-men #2. Maybe I didn't read enough into the scene or maybe I was more drunk than I should've been when I read it, but Hope's demeanor in that issue was very different compared to what was shown here. She almost looks like she's a hooker trying to seduce some Arab oil sheik out of his weekly allowance in this. In Avengers vs. X-men #2 she looked more overwhelmed. It really doesn't seem to fit and it doesn't make clear whether Hope really understands what she's doing or if the Phoenix Force is just fucking with her like it does to all redheads.

The fight with Colossus and Red Hulk is a bit more basic so fortunately it's an isolated incident. It wasn't shown how the battle between Colossus and Red Hulk panned out. Again, this is the kind of shit readers don't like leaving to their imagination when they don't have enough good acid on hand. Gillen does a nice job here of showing Colossus's continued struggle with Cytorak. He also shows that while Red Hulk may not look as badass in the light of other monsters, he's still a full fledged general and you don't get to be a general without knowing a little strategy. Red Hulk pulls a rope-a-dope style move on Colossus, allowing him to pummel his ass until he starts damaging the support columns to Utopia. This is where Colossus shows that he's still capable of controlling his unstoppable nature and allows Red Hulk to beat his ass before he beats Utopia to a pulp. It's like admitting your dick is small when a douche-bag challenges you, but it shows that Colossus still has a sense of humility behind that unstoppable shell.

After word gets out that someone stopped the unstoppable Colossonaut, Cyclops goes into a "we're fucked" mode. Not only did one of their strongest fighters get beat, but they lost the mutant messiah. With the Avengers still understandably pissed, he's forced to try a different tactic. It involves contacting the X-men's PR person, Kate Kildare, that they hired shortly before the events of Schism. He has her issue a press release that essentially calls the Avengers fascists for storming onto their self-proclaimed country and demanding they hand over a girl that may be the key to burning the planet to a crisp. I'm not sure I got the memo where one press release is enough to turn public sentiment against Earth's Mightiest Heroes, but I'm pretty sure it's bullshit. Otherwise Rupert Murdoch would have been crowned emperor of the United States years ago.

This may be the start of a disturbing new trend and for once it doesn't involve my tastes in fetish porn. Marvel is actually churning out some high quality tie-ins with Avengers vs. X-men. You would think that an event built around the premise of the X-men beating up the Avengers wouldn't have much room for depth, but both Jason Aaron and Kieron Gillen have essentially given the finger to traditional tie-ins and found a way to make them awesome. This issue follows the similar path established in Wolverine and the X-men #9. It takes some scenes from Avengers vs. X-men and expands on them. Gillen's inner monologs with characters have always been his strength. He really showed them off here with his take on Colossus, Hope, and Namor. It's like having an 11-inch cock. What's the good of having one if you can't whip it out and show it off?

While Gillen's knack for dialog is readily apparent, this issue is lacking in some areas. The events surrounding Hope when she bolted from Utopia in Avengers vs. X-men #2 seemed inconsistent. In the main comic she seemed less coherent. In this she seemed to make a conscious choice. It doesn't quite fit, but it doesn't change too much either. In addition the transition from scene to scene was a bit spotty. Some parts took place before the big clash in Avengers vs. X-men #2. Some took place after. There was no logical flow to them. It didn't tell the same coherent story that Wolverine and the X-men #9 told. It was still a solid expansion of sorts on the characters, but it just didn't fit together as well as it could have.

I can be pretty damn dogmatic in some things. Certain brands of beer are one of them. However, when it comes to tie-in comics being awesome I'm more than willing to change my beliefs. I'm not a creationist. I don't live in a world of willful ignorance and magical fairies. I can accept that tie-in issues can be just as awesome as the main event. Jason Aaron showed it. Now Kieron Gillen has reinforced it. This gives me hope that future Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins won't have to be overlooked. It also means I'll have to sell a few extra bags of weed to have enough money to buy all these new comics, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I give Uncanny X-men #11 a 4 out of 5. I would have Cyclops's woman as well. I would also enjoy stabbing a blatant Jean Grey ripoff in the gut with adamantium claws. When your that much in tuned to a comic, it doesn't mean dick if it's a tie-in issue. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #10 - Casually Charming Awesome

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.