Uncanny X-men #23 Preview - Not-So-Secret Douche-Baggery

There was once a time when Charles Xavier ranked very highly on the scale of heroic visionaries who strived to make the world a better place. That is the Charles Xavier that Patrick Stewart brought to life in the X-men movies and that James McAvoy later failed to live up to by turning him into a drugged out 70s disco punk. It seems so long ago. Was Charles Xavier really once that respectable or was I just doing way too much Ecstasy back in the early 2000s? I’m not saying the Ecstasy and blow didn’t have an effect, but I think it’s worth adding a little perspective.

Xaiver has always had his history of questionable laurels. He lied to his students, making them think he was dead at one point. He kept Danger locked up for decades. He lied to Cyclops about having a third brother. He’s also divorced, has a son that’s crazier bag of brain dead rabbits,  That doesn’t even get into the whole Onslaught Epic, although I might be willing to give him a pass because that outfit looked pretty badass. The man just doesn’t have much credibility anymore. So when Cyclops killed him in Avengers vs. X-men, it wasn’t like he ripped an angel’s wings off, snapped its neck, and took a piss on its corpse. There’s also the whole issue of Xavier fucking attacking him, but I won’t belabor that point more than I already have on this blog. My liver can only take so much.

But with the ongoing events in Original Sin, dirty little secrets are being exposed more than Paris Hilton’s side-boob. So naturally, Charles Xavier is still going to have a few dirty secrets that haven’t been revealed. As if the man needed to be discredited anymore, he apparently has a will that reveals the kind of twisted shit that’s supposed to tear the X-men apart. It must be really bad, like being hot for one of his students or something. I mean what kind of guy would…actually, that’s a bad example. Forget I said that.

With the war against SHIELD and the Sentinels resolved, this promises to be the next major plot in Uncanny X-men. And thanks to our fine friends at CBR, a teaser and an unlettered preview was released. Anyone who has been keeping up with Original Sin probably won’t be surprised. The whole story is built around the premise that everyone has douche-bag secrets, but some are way more douchy than others. Given Charles Xavier’s track record, I might have to avoid spicy foods before this comes out.

CBR: Uncanny X-men #23 Unlettered Preview

This July, the X-Men crash headlong into Original Sin in Uncanny X-Men #23 – from New York Times Bestselling writer Brian Michael Bendis and rising star artist Kris Anka! Thanks to the events of Original Sin, Charles Xavier’s last will and testament has been discovered. The final wishes of a man who fought all his life for peaceful coexistence between man and mutant – until the very day it got him killed. The rift between the two X-Men squads grows with each passing day. Do the secrets contained in Xavier’s will have the power to finally reunite them? Or doom them forever? Don’t miss the story that will have everyone talking and sets the stage for huge X-Men stories on the horizon when The Last Will and Testament of Charles Xavier stands revealed in Uncanny X-Men #23!

Can’t really glean too much from these unlettered previews. For all I know, Cyclops is thinking “What an asshole!” while he’s recalling that fight with Charles Xavier. Not sure if the scene with Dazzler is related, but I’m going to assume she’s still pissed about what Mystique did to her and is probably going to spend the next few issues taking it out on someone or something. While I’m all for stories about pretty girls dealing with their feelings in fucked up ways, I’m more intrigued by Charles Xavier’s latest deep dark secrets.

It can’t just involve one character and it can’t just involve him having a boner for one of his students again. It could be any number of fucked up things. Maybe he intended to give the X-men to Magneto when he died or maybe he intended to integrate the X-men with the Brotherhood at some point if he felt peace was no longer possible. Or maybe he left all his money and property to Jean Grey, which would in turn mean that Cyclops now owns it because he was Jean’s husband.

I have my own theory and I think it’s one that would really rip the X-men apart from their foundation. It’s probably wrong, but I’ll share it anyways because drunks aren’t known for filtering their ideas. It’s well-established that Charles Xavier used psychic blocks on Jean Grey’s mind to help her control her powers. But maybe his secret is he didn’t stop with Jean Grey. He put blocks on the minds of all his students, making it difficult for them to control their powers. That might be the real reason why Cyclops couldn’t control his blasts or why Beast turned all furry or why Wolverine couldn’t control his berserker rage. It wasn’t because they weren’t strong enough to overcome it. It was because Xavier made sure they couldn’t. It was his way of either motivating them or controlling them.

This could have some really serious implications. Perhaps at one point, he realized that by holding Jean’s powers back, he made sure she couldn’t handle the Phoenix Force. These new powers Jean has in All-New X-men might be the powers she was supposed to have all along. By suppressing them, he essentially killed her by ensuring she wasn’t strong enough. This is the kind of shit that would undermine both their trust and their respect for this man, as if he had much left at this point. Again, I’m probably wrong, but this is my theory. Get enough beer in me and I’ll come up with another. If there’s another preview released, I might just share it. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #2 - Heart-To-Heart Awesome

I imagine having to work closely with your ex is more awkward than having your prostate exam filmed in IMAX and showed in 3D in front of your whole family on your wedding day. There's a good reason why God gave human beings the ability to feel bitter and scorned. When two people have loved, boned, and lost their capacity to coordinate is complicated to a point where you would have a better chance teaching a cricket advanced calculus than finding a way to make it work. Bitterness is nature's way of telling us shit isn't working out and you'll only make it worse by trying.

Unfortunately, Cyclops and Emma Frost don't have the luxury of moving to different hemispheres and expunging all memories of one another through bitterness, alcohol, and revenge sex. After the events of Avengers vs. X-men, their long-standing relationship that had Marvel had been pimping like a hooker with fresh breast implants for nearly a decade came to an end. There's just no coming back from lashing out at one another while high on cosmic force. I also imagine that Emma mind-humping Namor while he laid waste to Wakanda didn't help either. Brian Michael Bendis said outright when his relaunch of Uncanny X-men was first announced that Cyclops and Emma Frost would no longer be romantically involved. Yet they would be stuck on the same team because when you're a fugitive and your powers are fucked up, you don't have the luxury of not teaming up with your ex.

I admit I never thought Marvel would do this because for so long they seemed hopelessly intent on making Cyclops/Emma the number one fuck buddies in the Marvel universe. I wouldn't have had a problem with this if they actually did what they did for other famous comic book couples and built up their relationship. Instead, they decided to make it one long re-run of Two and a Half Men, consisting mostly of bed scenes ripped off from old pornos and one-liners that essentially robbed both characters of their romantic credibility. Now I'm all for tits, asses, dicks, and butts in my comic books. But if the intent was to make Cyclops and Emma's love more mature and powerful than Cyclops and Jean, then that's not the way to go about it. That would be like trying to make Jessica Alba hotter by rubbing shit on her face. I made many rants on this blog about how unwilling Marvel was to create any tension with this couple. Yet here I am, my jaw open and my dick hard at their decision to break them up. And for that, I applaud them.

But as surprised I was to see Cyclops and Emma break up, I was equally surprised to see them remain on the same team. All New X-men and Uncanny X-men #1 show that they are taking part in a new mutant revolution. In addition to ending their relationship, Avengers vs. X-men kick started the mutant race again. And Cyclops isn't dicking around. He's taking a far more revolutionary approach because he doesn't think the human race is going to react in a calm, rational manner in dealing with the sudden re-emergence of the mutant race after having gotten so used to dealing with them as an endangered species. He's not wrong, but he's still being a dick about it. That was the main reason why Magneto visited SHIELD in Uncanny X-men #1 with the intent of helping Cyclops lose more than his access to Emma Frost's pussy. So in a team with a bitter ex-girlfriend and a bitter teammate, Cyclops's revolution is already on shaky ground.

Uncanny X-men #2 takes plenty of time to explore these shaky grounds on which Cyclops is building his revolution. We first explore the inner musings of a pissed off ex-girlfriend. While I’m sure my ex-girlfriends probably thought more about where they would hide the dead bodies, Emma Frost dwells on how utterly broken she is. And Bendis doesn’t skimp on the details either. She reflects on how she fucked her powers up and how she fucked her relationship with Cyclops up by listening to the wet spot in her panties when she was around Namor. She really is broken in that the life she had before Avengers vs. X-men is in complete ruin.

But as dramatic as this musing is, a more striking musing is that she actually takes the time to blame Tony Stark for the shit that happened with the Phoenix Force. This is the first time any character has actually noted that it was Mr. I-Shoot-Shit-With-Big-Guns-And-I’m-Not-Referring-To-My-Penis who fucked the Phoenix up. And it comes from someone better known for her bra size than her brain. For that, I applaud Emma Frost for crafting the most rational musings of an ex-girlfriend in the history of humanity. That and she still has a nice rack.

Eventually, Cyclops confronts her before those thoughts of hiding dead bodies can enter her mind. From here, she and Cyclops have a true heart-to-heart. It’s a conversation that was long overdue and one that was building since the end of Avengers vs. X-men. They essentially clear the air in that they make clear that they’re not going to be seeing each other naked anymore, but they will make an effort to work together for the sake of these new mutants. Bendis doesn’t leave any Matt Fraction-style ambiguity here in that he has Cyclops and Emma make clear that they can’t get back together after the shit that happened in Avengers vs. X-men. And it makes perfect sense too. You just can’t go back from ripping cosmic forces out of one another and boning other people in your mind while they lay waste to a country. But having been together and exchanged an untold amount of bodily fluids, they trust each other and know they can help one another.

Reading this conversation gave me a tingly feeling I usually don’t get without a blowjob and a bag of premium Mexican weed. Having gone on so many drunken rants about the flaws in the Cyclops/Emma relationship that have emerged over the past few years, it’s actually a great relief to see them part ways in such a clean, amicable way. None of my post-breakup conversations with ex’s have ever gone this well. Hell, most didn’t end without some kind of property damage. But even though Bendis already made it clear that the relationship is over, there’s a certain power in seeing it truly end on-panel. While I know the Cyclops/Emma fanboys may be bawling like someone shoved a peeled onion up their ass, it is a historic moment. Cyclops and Emma as a couple are no more. Excuse me while I raise my bottle of Jack Daniels to commemorate this moment.

Like many powerful moments in comics, there’s an inevitable buzzkill and it’s not uncommon for a very disturbed teenager to be involved. This is certainly no exception. After Cyclops and Emma have their moment, Magik shows up to let them know their new students are ready for a little orientation. Unlike the others, her powers weren’t fucked up by the Phoenix Force and somehow she ended up becoming even more creepy. Even Cyclops and Emma concede she’s more fucked up than any teenage girl who hasn’t caught her boyfriend making out with her father. She too agrees that it’s good that Cyclops and Emma aren’t together anymore, but I’m not sure how much weight I would give the opinion of a pretty blond who rubs elbows with demons. I’ll overlook a lot of flaws in pretty girls, but Magik is one of the few that is more likely to make a man cringe rather than give him a boner.

We then shift from a dramatic and heart-felt conversation to something more pragmatic and less gay. Going all the way back to All New X-men, Cyclops and his team have recruited a number of new mutants such as Eva, Christopher, Benjamin, and the latest being Fabio (a Mexican teenager not to be confused with the hot guy women of the 90s wanted to bone). Having gone through the trouble of turning an old Weapon X Facility into a brank spankin’ new Xavier Institute, they give these new mutants a hint at what they’re in for.

They start by reminding them of the Sentinel attack in the previous issue, which offers a nice sense of continuity in the story. Then they point out that they’re not alone. They’re the first of a new generation of mutants that is poised to populate the world like Evander Holyfield’s illegitimate kids. It offers a nice overview of what these kids are now caught up in. Since this is still only the second issue of this latest forced relaunch, it’s a nice touch in terms of setting the stage for this series.

And beyond the bigger picture of mutant relations, Cyclops even gives them a brief overview of their new home away from home. We already know they’ve been constructing a new Xavier Institute since the beginning of All New X-men. We don’t know how the fuck they manage that when they’re powers are broken and they’re wanted fugitives. I guess when you’ve got Magneto, demon-loving teenage girl, a rich ex-girlfriend with big tits you can pull strings. But given how quickly Wolverine slapped his Jean Grey Institute together, I won’t belabor the how and just marvel at the finished product. It may seem like needless exposition, taking the time to depict the layout of the new base when most readers could give a milliliter of wolf piss about such details. But I think that kind of attention to detail is what separates good comics from awesome comics. You can accuse Brian Bendis of a lot of things like being way too bald for a white guy, but you can’t accuse him of not paying attention to details in a story.

But as nice as their new digs are, the new mutants express concern about their families and the lives they’re leaving behind. Some are all too eager to get the fuck away from their boring ass lives. Fabio mentioned he was selling corndogs on a stick before his powers kicked in. Who would want to go back to that? But others, like Eva, still have a family and want to stay in touch with them. Cyclops makes it clear they’re not prisoners and can leave whenever they want. And unlike the cult leaders that demand all the cute young girls sleep in his bed to find God, he actually means it. So with Magik’s help, they create a few portals so they can check in with some of the insanely worried families. Again, it’s the kind of detail you don’t usually see in an X-men comic. Usually, when someone becomes a mutant, it’s all “fuck the family and let’s kill giant robots!” It adds yet another nice personal touch that really helps give this comic a unique feel.

While visiting a family may give you a warm and fuzzy feeling, Magneto is in a position to fuck it up. At the end of the previous issue, Bendis revealed in one of the least surprising twists of all time that Magneto was secretly coordinating with SHIELD to bring about Cyclops’s downfall. And for some reason Cyclops wasn’t suspicious in the slightest when Magneto shaved his head and opted to stay behind while they left. While it’s reasonable to assume that his conversation with SHIELD took place before the sentinel attack in the first issue, we still don’t get any clarification on the sequence of events that led to him shaving his head. But it is another instance of Bendis not skimping on the details and taking advantage of an established plot, as unsurprising as it may be.

The team arrives in Australia and they manage to avoid being bitten by one of the many poisonous snakes that inhabit the County that God clearly wanted to keep uninhabited. The newbies are still getting over the novelty of teleporting through Limbo. One of the students, Benjamin, actually seems turned on by it and seems to indicate that he wants to be the pitchfork to Magik’s devil-loving fetish. That’s a very poor dick joke, but you get what I mean. Magik does tell him to keep it in his pants because the point of the visit is to talk to Eva’s family. It makes for another nice moment where Eva reunites with her mother. It looks like she may even invite Cyclops’s team in for tea. It’s as pleasant a visit as they could have hoped for.

But we all know where this shit is going. Anyone who has followed the X-men in any capacity knows they don’t have pleasant visits anywhere. At some point they’re going to be attacked by giant robots, evil geneticists, or religious bigots. They might as well a deer in Ted Nugant’s back yard. However, this time they’re confronted by a very different threat. Before they left, Magneto informed SHIELD of where they were going and before they could even get sun-burned by the Australian sun the fucking Avengers show up. It’s another stern reminder that Cyclops is still a wanted fugitive because nobody wants to blame Tony fucking Stark for shooting big guns and waving his dick in the face of a cosmic force. Now I could argue in several blog posts why the Avengers are total assholes for wanting to throw Cyclops in a jail cell while Wolverine and Wanda run free, but I’ll save that for another case of whiskey. I would much rather just entertain thoughts at how fucked up this battle is going to be in the next issue.

If the first issue of this ridiculously forced re-launch of Uncanny X-men was intended to offer a general taste of Uncanny X-men, this second issue dug deep into the shit-stained bowels of the personalities behind this book. And remarkably, what emerges smells less like shit and more like scented rose petals carefully placed on Jennifer Lawrence’s tits. Whereas the previous issue gave you giant robots and a pseudo-twist that was less surprising than the number of people Seth MacFarlane pissed off with his Oscar jokes, this issue addressed those smaller issues that usually get overlooked in between battles with giant robots.

The conversation with Cyclops and Emma was the highlight and taking the time to visit the families of their new recruits perfectly complemented the theme of adding a personal touch. In some ways it got a bit too personal, almost to the point that it feels like it belonged in a gynecology office. But Bendis made this issue awesome by presenting the characters in a profoundly raw manner. These aren’t just X-men. They’re people with issues too fucked up for Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, and most (but not all) reality TV shows.

Beyond the personal elements, this issue was wonderfully concise in how it followed the events of the previous issue. In addition to recruiting new mutants, Cyclops’s new team has to go through the fun of teaching a bunch of hormonal teenagers how to manage their powers. When one of them seems to be fantasizing about boning a demon-loving blond, you know you’ve got an uphill battle. But as Cyclops pointed out himself, Emma Frost is a very good and very competent teacher. Her ability to reach young minds is only equaled by her ability to cause boners. In addition, Bendis even took the time to give readers a layout of the new Xavier Institute. Unlike Wolverine’s Jean Grey Institute, it doesn’t have the architecture or style of a Lady Gaga concert nor does it reinforce his obscenely unhealthy obsession with a woman he never got to bone. It may seem trivial, but it’s these little details that make good comics great and great comics ball-bustingly awesome.

I get that some readers will probably be bored senseless or not appreciate the decompressed, detail-oriented story-telling Brian Bendis is using here. I’m sure many of those readers will read this issue and say “To hell with all this talking shit! Either show us your boobs or fight more giant robots!” Look, if you want that kind of Michael Bay-inspired action, go drop some LSD and watch the Matrix. But it’s not inaccurate to say that this issue was a setup issue in some sense that it just set the stage for Magneto’s betrayal to lead the Avengers right to Cyclops. It just completely ignores all those special personal moments that actually make readers give a damn about what happens to these characters. But if some people can ignore laws, facts, and birth certificates I guess some people can ignore those special little things that make comics awesome.

At this point, I’m still of the opinion that All New X-men is superior to Uncanny X-men, but not by much. Uncanny X-men is still behind in terms of awesome, but so close that it could smell a wet fart. I still have some reservations about little details like Magneto being bald, where the new uniforms came from, and how Magneto got back from SHIELD custody. But those are not the kind of details that are necessary to keep this book from earning my highest praise. I give Uncanny X-men #2 a 5 out of 5. If nothing else about this comic appeals to you, at least celebrate that Emma Frost and Cyclops are now single and ready to mingle! The race is on. Who will they bone next? I’m sure Bendis has plans and I’m equally sure fanfiction writers will have something horribly depraved. Either way, it’s a great time to be an X-man fan and/or to have a boner. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4 - Villainous Badass Awesome

There are some world class drunks out there (like yours truly) that don't need a whole lot of excuses to get wasted. But some of those excuses are pretty fucking stupid in the grand scheme of things. When a guy gets fired from his job after his house is foreclosed upon because he spent too much money on a Brazilian stripper named Coochie Mocha, he's more than justified in getting shit faced. But when your name is Tony Stark, you have billions to your name, and you can build an army of robot Pamela Andersons to cater to your every perverse fantasy, you have no excuse. There was actually a time when Iron Man was a world class drunk in Marvel comics. He's not the first comic book character to struggle with real world addiction, but he was by far the least believable.

Iron Man's movies may be as awesome as Scarlett Johansen's rack, but in the comics he's about as sympathetic as Mitt Romney pleading for food stamps. He may claim to be sober, but I refuse to believe that some of the shit he did in Avengers vs. X-men wasn't the result of some mind-altering substance that just doesn't show up in piss tests. Only a drunk could determine that the best way to deal with the looming threat of the Phoenix Force was to shoot it with a big ass gun. And only a drunk would pretend that he was too fucked up to take any level of responsibility for shit that he caused. But Iron Man has faced absolutely zero scrutiny for his role in Avengers vs. X-men, just as he faces zero scrutiny for the shit he did in Civil War (thanks to a bullshit retcon). As such, I scorn him on behalf of all us honest drunks.

In both Avengers vs. X-men and the ongoing Consequences mini, Iron Man is still walking around as if he played no part in the bullshit surrounding the Phoenix. He didn't seem to give a damn when Cyclops was thrown in jail and he didn't get any shit from Captain America for his gizmos being responsible. He also pretends to have a new appreciation for the mystical aspects of life. There's a term for that as well. It's called being fucked up out of your mind, leaving no doubt that he was smoking something in Avengers vs. X-men. But I doubt Marvel will ever admit to it.

Whatever shit Iron Man is on, there's no indication he's sobered up. Cyclops, who we found out in the previous issue was working a plan with Magneto on the outside, is still taking all the accountability for what happened with the Phoenix even though he's only partially responsible at best. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4 continues by having Tony Stark pay a visit and not for a conjugal visit in the women's prison either. He's still high from his Joseph Smith style religious experience, but unlike Joseph Smith it isn't a complete fraud. He expresses a desire to understand the Phoenix while still deflecting responsibility for his role in fucking it up and having Cyclops take the blame. Whether out of boredom or pity, Cyclops humors his curiosity. There's really no indication here as to what Tony hopes to gain or why the fuck he's not taking responsibility like a good recovering alcoholic should. Either he's drinking again or he gave the finger to Alcoholics Anonymous. Either way, he's still a dick.

Whereas Iron Man's latest non-alcoholic obsession does nothing for the story other than remind readers of what a dick he is, there are other parts of the story that help actually move things forward. In the first issue of this mini, Captain America said he suspected that someone with a lot of access and too much free time was helping the Extinction Team. Unlike the CIA's suspicions about Iraq, this actually proves accurate because someone who definitely has that kind of access is Agent Brand of SWORD. She worked closely with the Extinction Team in the pages of Uncanny X-men. So it makes such perfect sense that she would be the one to help them that you feel like you were lobotomized in your sleep for not thinking of it. Apparently, she's been coordinating with Magneto because she's of the opinion that the Avengers and the X-men intent on sucking their dicks for approval aren't going to do what needs to be done for this new influx of mutants. Since she admits she's also a mutant, she decides to roll the dice with the Extinction Team. While she may be fucking Beast at the moment, her willingness to give the finger to both the Avengers and the X-men earns her plenty of points in my book.

So by now, we've caught up with every member of the Extinction Team except one. Of all the members that were forgotten faster than Vanilla Ice's movie career, Namor definitely got shafted the most. After he laid waste to Wakanda and set the stage for the glorious breakup of Storm and Black Panther, he was barely mentioned and never even seen. Well now that he's on the collective shit list for both Wakanda and the Avengers, he's been lying low. That's understandable, but still a dick move. Apparently, he's been hanging out in the old ruins of Utopia, which have since been shot to shit. This happens to be where Hope, everyone's least favorite rip-off bratty bitch, decides to travel to track down Cable. It makes about as much sense as the rest of the bullshit she's done outside of betraying the X-men. But I guess I've come to expect that from her.

But despite Hope's annoying presence and incessent intent on making everyone hate her, there's a nice moment to be enjoyed here. Hope goes out of her way to ask Namor what the fuck he was thinking when he laid waste to Wakanda. I imagine it's akin to asking someone what the fuck they were thinking when they fought that transvestite hooker over a half-eaten hot dog on a cocaine bender. But Namor basically describes how the Phoenix fucked him up and showed that being the king of Atlantis with access to all the hot mermaid pussy he wanted just didn't amount to jack shit in the grand scheme of things. Nothing else really comes of this other than Hope being an annoying bitch and Namor discussing why he took his sexual frustrations over Emma Frost out on Wakanda. But at least we finally get to see what the fuck he's been doing since the Avengers vs. X-men shit hit the fan.

Namor's handling of the events of Avengers vs. X-men is at least twenty seven times more mature than Colossus. In this series, he's developed the kind of hatred for his sibling that couldn't be matched outside the Baldwin family. Now free from the Cytorakk influence and made to feel like an ass for helping his sister, he's basically become one of those creepy hermits who lives in a cave, minus the occasionally spying on children at playgrounds. Storm, who received a message about Colossus's location courtesy of Magik in the last issue, paid him a visit. Since she's nowhere near the asshole that the Avenger strive to be, she doesn't turn him in. She just tries to talk to him. Colossus only tells her to fuck off and leave him alone in the most polite way possible. Of all the members of the Extinction Team, you gotta feel sorry for him the most. He went out of his way to save his sister and all along she was just fucking with him. That's like a homeless man finding out that the stray dog he's been taking care of was a stuffed animal all along. It's tough shit.

But Colossus isn't the only one Storm visits. After she's done chatting, she encounters Magneto. Now in nearly every other era of X-men, when Storm is on the same page as Magneto it's usually accompanied with a violent battle that involves magnetism and F5 tornadoes. But for a time, these two actually worked side-by-side during their days on the Extinction Team. I admit it always felt awkward, like having a pot head manage your stock portfolio. You know it couldn't last, but it was fun while it did and made work a shit ton more interesting. Storm and Magneto have what may be their last civil conversation. Storm tries to convince him that he can still be a good guy, but Magneto makes it clear that good guys don't make progress in this world. To get shit done, you need to be a little bit of an asshole of a villainous kind and that's something that he's willing to do that the Avengers are too chicken shit to try.

There's tension everywhere it seems. Siblings now want to kill each other and former allies are too fucked up to do anything. But some elements of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences have taken an approach that probably wouldn't make an episode of Jerry Springer. In the last issue, Cyclops met up with a fellow prisoner named Jake who happened to be a mutant. He was no Magneto. He was a dipshit burglar who happened to be among those who got mutant powers after the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Rather than whine about how he's going to be hated and feared, he actually made friends with Cyclops and expressed a desire to make his life better. Hell, he even got an X-men tattoo. He sounds like the kind of guy you want to have your back in prison and not in a way that will lead to severe rectal trauma.

Unfortunately, Cyclops doesn't get the chance to become prison buddies with this guy. In the previous issue, a bunch of other prisoners with poor impulse control and no fresh anuses to sodomize tried to shank Jake and Cyclops. They failed miserably. But this time, they succeeded in attacking Jake. Cyclops tries to help him, but the guards don't let him this time. Instead, they just subtly laugh their asses off and use his collar to shock him so he can't save the guy. It's a sad end to the most lovable prisoner since Tony Montana. But it has a strong impact and one that sends a message that goes beyond why you shouldn't give prisoners tooth brushes and nothing better to do with their time.

While Cyclops is left reeling by this latest injustice on top of the massive amounts of shit already piled on top of him, Wolverine pays another visit. To this point the only things his visits have accomplishes is making him an even bigger asshole than before. Maybe he's had time to sober up or maybe he's finally stopped drinking shitty light beer, but he actually comes off as decent this time. He finally tells Cyclops that he believes that he didn't mean to kill the Professor when he was fucked up on the Phoenix Force. He also has a very nice bromance moment where he tells him that while he may hate his guts for what he did in Avengers vs. X-men and for having access to Jean Grey's pussy, he still respects him and still thinks he can be the better man. Whether he's trying to dissuade him from this stupid martyr gig or trying to dissuade him from getting back at the prisoners who killed Jake, he sends a clear message.

However, I don't think Wolverine expected Cyclops to respond to that message by secretly contacting Magneto. In the previous issue, he revealed that he had been keeping in touch with him as part of some sort of plan. At the time, the plan didn't involve him being busted out of jail. Well after seeing how the world is treating new mutants like Jake and how few fucks people like the Avengers seem to give, he changes that plan. He's prepared to give a big middle finger to the justice system and allow Magneto to break his ass out. On behalf of everyone who has ever gotten a bullshit parking ticket, I say fuck yes!

The word badass and villain is thrown around a lot like herpes on the Jersey Shore. Marvel has done a great deal to blur those lines over the years, whether it's with their stories or with their characters. It's an inescapable fact of comics. If most of these characters existed in real life, we would think they were complete assholes. Tony Stark flies around in an Iron Man suit and doesn't share that shit with anyone. Wolverine is a drunken, sex-crazed dick with anger management issues. Fuck, if I want that I'll visit my cousin in Texas (if he hasn't broken parole). But every now and then, Marvel walks that fine line in a way that even if a character existed in real life you would be inclined to say, "Fuck yeah! Someone get this guy a beer and a hooker!" The end scene with Cyclops accomplished this feat in the best possible way.

This issue helped tie up a few more loose ends that were not addressed in the previous issue. With only one issue left, the mysteries are falling to the wayside in favor of setting the stage for All New X-men and all the rest of Marvel's overhyped relaunch that they'll never admit to being overhyped. We already knew Cyclops was going to bust out of jail, if for no other reason than to ensure the sanctity of his anus for mutant kind. But this issue actually presented an even better reason for him bust out if his asshole wasn't good enough. The death of that prisoner mutant, Jake, effectively conveyed the message that rotting in a prison cell isn't going to solve the problems mutants now face in the post Avengers vs. X-men world. And since the Avengers and his fellow X-men can't be bothered to deal with it, Cyclops needs to flex his nuts again. You couldn't give the man better motivation without serving it on Emma Frost's tits and Jean Grey's pussy.

Nearly everything in this issue fit together nicely. However, it did drag a bit at times. The whole notion of Iron Man wanting to understand the Phoenix seemed about as pointless as Mitt Romney's position on welfare reform. And while every scene involving Hope Summers is akin to smearing horse diarrhea on the page, her conversation with Namor amounted to less than Donald Trump's prenup. While there's definitely the potential for these scenes to expand in the final issue, they didn't really give much reasons for the reader to give half a shit about them.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences is largely a transition series meant to bridge the gap between Avengers vs. X-men and Marvel NOW! As such, it has to wade through the river of shit carved by Avengers vs. X-men and somehow mask the stench. The first few issues did an admirable job, but the past two have taken it to some badly needed levels of awesome. While Avengers vs. X-men will always suck, the way in which Marvel is moving forward from it doesn't have to. I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4 a 4 out of 5. Now if I can get serious for a moment, let's all have a moment of silence for Jake, the imprisoned dip-shit burglar who didn't stand a chance. Rest in Peace, Jake! May your last breath be accompanied by an intact asshole. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 - Prisoners of Awesome

Being in prison is a lot like being being a protologist whose office is right across the street from a gay bar. You're bound to find some pretty odd shit for some pretty fucked up reasons. There's also a major difference between being tossed in a drunk tank at the county lock-up after you've been caught pissing on the sheriff's mailbox at three in the morning and being sentanced for taking part in nearly destroying the world. The only way that could possibly suck any more would be if you actually weren't entirely responsible for nearly destroying the world and the assholes who played a much bigger role don't even get a slap on the wrist or so much as a parking ticket. That's the state Cyclops is in right now with Avengers vs. X-men. He may be guilty of a few crimes from Avengers vs. X-men, but only to the point that brain-dead American TV viewers are guilty of creating Honey Boo Boo.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences is taking the usual aftermath formula of an event and giving it ADHD. By that I mean it's taking the story from the moment the shit hits the fan to the moment when you go diving into a nearby pool to wash the fecal matter out of your eyes. Avengers vs. X-men ended with the Avengers proving that Cyclops was right all along about the Phoenix Force, but screwing him over anyway because admitting they were assholes for poking it like a drunk waving his dick at a cobra just made them feel too awkward. Now Cyclops is in jail, guilty for crimes that include saving an entire species, undoing a reality fuck from a crazy bitch that never answered for her crimes, trying to creat a global utopia, and being driven crazy by friends and allies that kept bullying your ass. I'm pretty sure those crimes are shakey even in North Korea, but I'm no lawyer. I only know the ones that get me off a drug charge on a technicality. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has no such technicalities becuase Cyclops is in jail, the Avengers are trying to partner with the X-men, and a new mutant population is a long list of new problems that are bound to give every hero a migraine.

If that shit weren't bad enough, Captain America has been trying to round up the rest of the Extinction Team on which everyone is pinning the Phoenix debacle. To hell with blaming Tony Stark for blasting the Phoenix with his fancy needle-dick compensating gizmo that split it into five pieces in the first place. He's rich and he's well connected. He'll never spend a day in jail in the same way the head of Goldman Sachs will never spend a day in jail. But along the way, Captain America discovered that someone from the inside is helping the Extinction Team. He asked Wolverine for help in getting Cyclops to play ball with them, but he did what I would do and just drank a beer while telling him to go fuck himself. The story about Cyclops's prison life, the traitor, and beer is the crux of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences and it continues with plenty of reasons to drink.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 ended with Wolverine paying an impromptu visit to Cyclops in prison for reasons that aren't conjacle. Avengers vs. X-men Consquences #2 picks up with that encounter and pretty much sticks with it for the entire fucking issue. There's no flashbacks, no teleportation, and no exotic locations where dinosaurs roam free and alien bugs bite off your dick. It's takes place entirely in a prison. And unless it's the setting of a softcore cable porn series on Cinemax, it usually doesn't translate to an awesome story. But like picking up a hooker with an unusually large adams apple, I've been wrong before.

The conversation starts off fairly simple. There's the standard awkward silence you get, not unlike the silence between you and your parole officer when he catches you taking a shit in his bird bath at two in the morning. Then Wolverine goes off on this angry "fuck you" speech because Cyclops killed Xavier. In response, Cyclops calmly points out he was fucked up on Dark Phoenix just as Jean Grey was when she killed 5 billion aliens and he still wanted to fuck her. But that's not enough for Wolverine. He calls Cyclops out for just walking down this road in the first place, even though he couldn't have known it would end the way it did. I want to say that's just the beer talking, but I'm just going to assume it's Wolverine being a big douche.

Then Cyclops says it. He says the very thing that so many fans like myself have been thinking in their most sober moments after reading Avengers vs. X-men. He points out (after being imprisoned and locked in a room with a guy that tried to fuck his wife no less) that he was right. Everything he did during Avengers vs. X-men turned out to be spot on. He was right about Hope. He was right about the Phoenix. And he also points out to Wolverine that at one point he tried to kill her, which would have fucked everything and doomed the whole species if not more. So while there are plenty who still have a right to call Cyclops a douche-bag, Wolverine ain't one of them.

This scene may not have shit explode or result in a bloody brawl like Schism, but it does show something that Marvel hasn't shown much of lately. It shows they've actually read their own shit. They didn't gloss over certain details for once, namely that Cyclops was right about Hope and Wolverine was a complete asshole for trying to kill her. Those are details that Marvel has been glossing over lately more than Mitt Romney's tax returns. So for them to have Cyclops stand up on panel and say it to Wolverine's ugly ass face, that really helps make the whole Avengers vs. X-men timeline a bit less fucked up. It doesn't address everything, but at least it makes an effort. It's like a necrophiliac trying to salvage a corpse that's been burnt to a crisp. The effort entails a commitment, disturbing it may be.

But Cyclops isn't done pissing Wolverine off. He points out that him being right ensures his school will have more students and some of them may actually wear a T-shirt that says "Cyclops was right." Hell, there are people in the real world already wearing that shit! Not only that, he takes a page right out of his Schism playbook and drops a J-bomb. By that, I mean he references Jean Grey again. He tells Wolverine that since he's gone Dark Phoenix, he now understands her in a way he never will. Just as he'll understand Jean's pussy in a way he never will. That's enough to send Wolverine over the edge. He takes a page right out of a rerun from Oz (minus the prison rape) and tries to kill Cyclops on the spot. It's bad enough to be reminded that he was dead wrong. Being reminded that Cyclops now has even more of a connection with Jean Grey is just too much.

But Cyclops finds a way to fuck with Wolverine again. Wolverine figures out that Cyclops wants him to kill him. He flat out says that he would prefer Wolverine shank him than one of the prisoners who might not be so gentle with his asshole. It fucks with Wolverine in a way that all the whores in Bankok never could. Cyclops doesn't just do it to get under his skin though. He's still a tactician in addition to being an ass. He doubts anyone is going to let him live long enough to see a trial and even if he hires OJ Simpson's legal team, Captain America wouldn't stand to let him walk free. That would be like seeing a Nazi ass-rape Uncle Sam. Cyclops sacrificed pretty much everything to save the mutant race and the world. No one could blame him for wanting to check out, but Wolverine just has to be the bigger asshole and deny him.

But Wolverine doesn't just leave him along with what's left of his dignity. He points out that while Cyclops was right and he saved the mutant race, the shitty way it played out ensured that this new generation of mutants are going to have targets on their backs, heads, and assholes. When a mutant goes Dark Phoenix and tries to destroy the world, that shit makes a bad impression on an already petrified human population. It's like Mitt Romney doing a photo opp at a KKK meeting or George W. Bush pissing on the side of a mosque. People are going to be pissed and a little scared. Wolverine tries to get him to see this and asks him to help him bring in the Extinction Team. Cyclops doesn't give him anything, leaving Wolverine to finish his beer and leave before he can be pissed off by another Jean Grey reference.

At this point, the story is still entirely confined in the prison. We don't see any of the Avengers or Captain America. We don't even get any additional clues as to who the mole might be that's protecting the Extinction Team. Instead, we see Cyclops meeting up with one of his fellow inmates. He's not the inmate that tries to make newbies his bitch without a little chit chat either. Cyclops finds out that he was in prison during the whole Avengers vs. X-men shit storm and he was just one of the countless ordinary humans that suddenly became mutants. We even get a nice flashback that shows what happens when a prisoner is threatened by a guy twice his size with a shanking and an impromtu prostate exam and suddenly becomes a mutant. It's the closest this issue comes to throwing some flash and flare into the story, but it goes further than that.

To this point, the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men has been mostly focused on the heroes and how fucked up their world is after they started bitch-slapping each other. Not much attention has been paid to the millions of new mutants who are now free to show off their powers in a world where Wanda Maximoff's reality fuck has been undone. This issue focuses on just one case and he just happens to be a guy sharing a prison cell block with Cyclops. It's one of those little details I often gush about on this blog, but it certainly helps put some badly needed perspective on the post Avengers vs. X-men world that doesn't involve Captain America ignoring what a douche he is.

The guy makes small talk with Cyclops, hoping to ask about how real Emma Frost's breasts really were. He doesn't seem too bent out of shape about being a mutant either. It's probably the most exciting thing that's happened to him since his defense attorney showed up at his trial drunk and got stuck with more years behind bars. Unfortunately, not everyone is thrilled about sharing a prison cell with mutants. That guy that tried to shank the hapless new mutant earlier isn't too happy about his asshole still being intact. Cyclops notices that they guards have gone on a rather sudden break and now they're set to become prison bitches and/or martyrs. Cyclops makes it clear that he's hoping for and expecting to be a martyr. For the sake of his asshole, he better be right.

A comic book that takes place entirely in a prison and involves mostly conversation and a slight threat of a shanking (and prison rape) shouldn't be very satisfying. Hell, this is usually the kind of comic book that should come with a warning label telling readers that this shit is just filler and nothing explodes. But damn it, this issue was still awesome. It sounds impossible, like being a hooker inside Flavor Flav's house and not coming out with an STD. But it actually happened. This issue, despite being mostly a conversation between Cyclops and Wolverine, was awesome.

Now I know there are some fans out there with shitty weed dealers that will never be too thrilled by a story that just involves two characters talking. The dialog could be written by Shakespeare themselves and they'll still bitch about there not being enough explosions. There's a case to be made by those people. I wish I could forward them to my weed dealer, but I'd rather not threaten my stash. Moreover, the excessive talking does make this comic come off as tedious if not overly narrow. It didn't deal with any other X-men or the Avengers. But the focus is part of what made this comic compelling. It actually did what probably should have been done in Avengers vs. X-men and showed that Cyclops was not only right. The assholes like Wolverine that are condemning him are fucking hypocrites for some of the shit they pulled. Wolverine wasn't quite as bad as Tony Stark, but he did try to gut the mutant messiah that ended up saving them all. In that sense he came off as the guy who should be getting shanked at the end.

While I'm glad and extremely relieved that Marvel addressed these details, it still feels a bit late in the context of the story. Like this should be part of Avengers vs. X-men #12, but Marvel just ran out of ink. So while it felt a little misplaced, it still succeeded in getting the necessary point across. It also added a nice addition at the end with the prisoner that became a mutant. It doesn't just give Cyclops a cell-mate who isn't inclined to sodomize him. It focuses on just one of the millions of new mutants who are now part of the Marvel universe. That gets right to the heart of the whole consequences concept and sets the stage for a struggle that hopefully doesn't involve too much sodomy.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has to do a lot in order to escape the shit stains left by Avengers vs. X-men. The last issue didn't exactly go the full distance, but it helped give the Marvel universe a nudge in the right direction. This book gave it a violent shove that it desperately needed. Avengers vs. X-men still sucks, but this issue shows that the shit it bore shall fertilize a lush new garden of Marvel awesome. For that, I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 a 4 out of 5. Clap your hands, stomp your feet, and clench your asshole! This comic took a trip to prison and made it awesome. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 - Inconsequential Awesome

Your bullshit has consequences. That's not me talking. I'm quoting a Baltimore County judge with whom I'm on a first name basis unfortunately. I know better than most that when you do stupid shit like piss on the windshield of a cop car at four in the morning, you're going to get in trouble. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Not remembering how you woke up face down in a puddle of piss doesn't work either. You're ass is still going to be in trouble and if you're really unlucky, it's going to be the new semen repository for your cell mate.

The big difference between my drunken antics and what Cyclops did in Avengers vs. X-men is that I chose to get drunk and to accept those odd purple pills from the guy at the liquor store with a neck tattoo. Cyclops didn't choose to wield the Phoenix Force, nor did he choose to go Dark Phoenix after the entire fucking Marvel Universe ganged up on on him. That would be like someone sneaking up on me, injecting me with booze and PCP, pissing me off by insulting my mother and the size of my dick, and then letting me loose in a bar fight. Yet Cyclops has a shitty lawyer in the sense that he still ended up in jail, despite being completely right about the Phoenix saving the mutant race and being driven insane by the Avengers's bullshit. Now both his friends and his enemies hate his guts despite him being completely right on pretty much all counts. I'm not sure if that's a win, but I think that means he's not in a position to be anyone's bitch in prison.

But the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men go far beyond Cyclops. In wake of the bullshit ending that I had so much fun shitting all over, the entire Marvel universe has been affected and now it's being reshaped to make way for Marvel NOW! But as bad as Avengers vs. X-men was, it wasn't so bad that it made the Marvel universe unreadable. Hell, only one guy died and it was a character that had been MIA since he was shot in the fucking head a mere five years ago. Some characters got more screwed than others, but that's not the point. The point is the shit storm has passed and Marvel has a chance to reshape their universe for the better. And it all begins with Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1, courtesy of Kieron Gillen. His work on Uncanny X-men #19 showed that he was one writer who didn't have his head up his ass for much of Avengers vs. X-men. So he would be in the best position to tell the story about the aftermath.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 begins by reminding readers of some of the good that Avengers vs. X-men accomplished. Hell, one of the only notable gems things that came out of this shit mine was that it finally ended the pathetically contrived Storm/Black Panther marriage. This was one relationship that even Jerry Springer would call trashy out of the sheer circumstance surrounding it (or lack thereof). We find out that Black Panther still has some bitter feelings about their annulment because when the X-men fly to Wakanda to offer help, he shoots at them. That's only slightly less hostile than shoving divorce papers in Storm's face, but it still brings a non-alcohol induced smile to my face to see that this relationship is fucking over.

From bullshit relationships to bullshit imprisonment, Kieron Gillen also takes some time to explore how the Marvel universe is screwing over Cyclops. It's not enough they've killed his wife twice. They have to make him a criminal for doing shit that Wanda Maximoff did less than a decade ago, yet she remains free. But I've already ranted about that. This scene doesn't dwell on the bullshit reasons why Cyclops is in jail. It essentially describes the kind of prison life's in for. See, the Avengers just haven't been big enough assholes to date so they don't want to put him in a prison with other villains that have nearly destroyed the world and aren't named Wanda Maximoff. They instead put him in a new private prison, complete with advanced mutant shock collar technology and a guy who looks disturbingly similar to a George W. Bush. It's about as fucked up as it sounds and then some.

But aside from screwing Cyclops over in ways that don't yet involve prison rape, Gillen uses this to explore another important aspect of the post-Avengers vs. X-men world. With so many new mutants emerging, the world has to re-learn how to deal with them. It was all so much easier when there was less than 200 of them and they were just hanging out on an island. Now they have to worry about imprisoning them again and what better way to test their tyrannical ingenuity than testing it on the guy who nearly destroyed the world after making it into a utopia? It's bullshit, but it's pragmatic bullshit and shows that Gillen is actually putting some thought into this issue. If only Avengers vs. X-men had been that logical.

And since Avengers vs. X-men gave readers even more reasons to want to see Hope Summers horribly tortured in ways that only Todd Akin would approve of, an aftermath book wouldn't be complete without reinforcing that hatred. Now that Hope has fulfilled her destiny and helped re-power the mutant race (exactly as Cyclops predicted no less), what's left for her? What the fuck does she do? Captain America and the Scarlet Witch (who Hope punched in the nose no less), come to her to ask that very question. She basically says she wants to live a normal life. That's right. This bratty little cunt who ditched the X-men after they did everything to save her ass and didn't bat an eye when one of them was thrown in jail just wants to say "Fuck it, I'm done with this." It would be like Jesus saying, "Fuck this, I'm going to a Roman orgy." Again, you want another reason to hate Hope Summers? Well there you go. Now excuse me while I fantasize about taking a shit on her grave.

Not only that, we find out that Cable was MIA from Avengers vs. X-men because he just fucking left. After X-Sanction, he did absolutely nothing to affect Avengers vs. X-men despite having insight into the future. He left Hope a note, but all it said was "Don't come looking for me you little brat. I've had enough of your shit." Okay, so maybe it was nicer than that, but it would be completely understandable. While this feels like a complete omission, it's worth pointing out that Marvel already announced that Cable would be part of a new X-Force book and that his activity or lack thereof during Avengers vs. X-men would be explained in that book. So while it may have been glossed over here, Marvel hasn't swept that shit under the rug and called it burnt bacon.

Another issue aside from Hope being an even bigger bitch is the rest of the Extinction Team. At the end of Avengers vs. X-men, only Cyclops and Emma Frost were taken into custody. The rest of the team including Colossus, Magik, Danger, Magneto, and Namor are still unaccounted for. So the Avengers have been taking breaks from being complete assholes in the face of victory to try to hunt them down. Whether by karma or incompetence, they've failed every step of the way. There's a nice scene with Iron Man and Captain America attacking what they think is Magneto's location. But it turns out it's just another dead end. You have to assume that somewhere Magneto is watching and waving his dick at them while laughing his ass off.

Because of this inability to find the Extinction Team and the prospect of having to deal with a new mutant population, Captain America tries to get some more help out of Wolverine, who is still an embittered drunk. This is another instance where Gillen ties this book with Uncanny Avengers very nicely. It takes place after the funeral scene that was so poorly depicted, but the funeral is secondary to this scene. The main issue is Captain America trying to convince Wolverine to help the Avengers hunt down the Extinction Team. That, unfortunately, means him trying to convince Cyclops to help them. Because for some reason, Captain America thinks Cyclops can be convinced to turn on his teammates after the Avengers have treated him like shit and thrown him into a private prison whose warden has probably sucked half the dicks in Congress. He might as well try to convince Wolverine to go vegan because he says no and isn't polite about it, which helps make up for him being such a massive douche as of late...somewhat.

But there's another little twist to Captain America's visit. While discussing with Wolverine the difficulty he's been having in tracking down the Extinction Team, he mentions that he suspects someone on their side is helping them avoid capture. He just refuses to believe that the same team that shot the Phoenix with a giant gun and split it into five pieces is too incompetent to track down a bunch of wayward heroes/villains. Go figure. But Captain America points out that the longer the Extinction Team remains free, the more people are going to shit their pants over this new surge of mutants. He's not wrong even if he is an asshole, but it does open the door to another plot twist. Who could the traitor be? Who would still help Cyclops's team at this point when the Avengers have labeled him the worst human being since Hitler sodomized Doom? There isn't a hint as to who it could be, but it definitely opens the door to some intriguing stories.

The intrigue must have gotten to Wolverine because despite telling Captain America to fuck off when he asked him to talk to Cyclops, Wolverine goes behind his back and pays Cyclops a visit in jail. It's not a very jaw-dropping moment. But at least Wolverine brought beer with him so that earns him points in my book. Perhaps he's also interested in who the traitor is that's helping the Extinction Team or for all we know he is the traitor because he's finally realized what a douche he's been. But that shit would just be too awesome for Marvel to come up with. Wolverine is already pissed off at Cyclops for being able to put his penis inside Jean Grey for so long. This visit can only be another way for him to give Cyclops the finger before his cell mate does worse.

In terms of consequences, this issue wasn't so much a lesson as it was an insight into what consequences one could expect if the world were run by Donald Trump. By that I mean ex-spouses hate each others' guts and the people with power and influence determine who the true victim is. This issue expanded somewhat on what Uncanny Avengers did in that it showed how shitty Cyclops's situation has become. He went from sharing a bed with Emma Frost to sharing a jail cell and keeping his asshole clenched at all times. It also shows just how big an asshole Captain America and the Avengers are when it comes to victory. They'll give their enemies a fancy cell that doesn't involve shock collars, but when one of their hero buddies goes crazy with power and isn't named Wanda Maximoff they get sent to a private prison where shit like torture and sodomy aren't frowned upon. It makes for a lousy message and it does hurt the comic in many ways because like Uncanny Avengers it essentially ignores circumstances and double standards in the same way creationists ignore fossils.

That's not to say there weren't some good moments. One thing that this comic did that Uncanny Avengers didn't was give a sense of progression from the end of Avengers vs. X-men to the aftermath. Kieron Gillen addresses lingering issues from the event like the whereabouts of the Extinction Team, how the world is going to handle a massive influx of new mutants, and the new partnership between the X-men and the Avengers. Even though Avengers vs. X-men sucked and plenty of details were still ignored, you at least get a sense from this issue that Marvel is trying to address them as best they can. But since Avengers vs. X-men was supposed to be their best as well, that's probably not saying much.

Overall, Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 does partially succeed in exploring the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men. It only fails in glossing over certain plots like Cable and providing yet another reason for readers to wish Hope dies a horrible, horrible death. Everything else from the dialog to the art to the general pacing of the story is solid. It's not Kieron Gillen's best, but it is more readable and more enjoyable than Uncanny Avengers. That's still not saying much so I give this issue a 3.5 out of 5. If you're going to teach your kids about consequences, this is not the kind of issue to use as a guide. But if you're going to teach them how to follow-up a shitty story and why men like Donald Trump should never be in charge, this will do the job. Nuff said!

Uncanny Avengers #1 - Partial Brain Damaging Awesome

I try not to hold grudges. I find it difficult at times. Not because I'm really forgiving, but with all the brain cells I've killed over the years I just have a hard time remembering why I'm pissed. And if I can't figure it out, I use that as an excuse to get myself another beer to make myself less pissed. It doesn't always work, but it's an excuse to get drunk so I'll take it. I needed more than booze after reading Avengers vs. X-men and not just because the story went down faster than Paris Hilton after a line of coke and six shots of tequila. The story ended with both the Avengers and the X-men looking like assholes, but the Avengers looked like stupid assholes. I'm willing to forgive a lot of assholery, but when the shit that comes out of it is just too much I can't bring myself to forgive that easily.

By now, everyone with an internet connection and enough will-power to stop looking at porn for more than ten minutes knows how Avengers vs. X-men ended. The Avengers came out on top, as one would expect a franchise whose movie grossed a billion dollars and allowed the Marvel execs to bathe in high priced champagne, hookers, and cocaine. But how they came out on top was what made them assholes. They didn't really defeat the X-men. They just made it so the X-men had to suck their dicks to get back into their good graces when they felt that the Phoenix couldn't be controlled. Never mind that nobody seemed to notice that the Phoenix only lost control when the Avengers started fucking with it. They didn't think twice in the same way an intoxicated Paris Hilton doesn't think twice when they're inclined to suck a dick.

But worst of all, the Avengers turned out to be dead fucking wrong. They thought the Phoenix Force was going to destroy the world and Cyclops thought it was key to kickstarting the mutant race. Guess who was right? And guess who ended up in jail? I've met some asshole cops in my life who would throw a 15-year-old girl in jail for having a single joint, but the Avengers throwing Cyclops under the buss and pissing on his corpse was just a dick move of cosmic proportions. So he killed a guy who hadn't done shit since he was shot in the head and kept trying to mind rape him. Fuck, that's not murder. That's self defense. Also, they didn't throw Wanda Maximoff in jail, who also happened to go fucking crazy and kill some very beloved friends (remember Hawkeye and Vision from Decimation?) not to mention decimating the entire mutant race. And yet she's not just free. She's prominent in Uncanny Avengers, which promises to be the biggest book to spin out of Avengers vs. X-men.

Now granted all these reasons to be pissed, I'm still willing to give Uncanny Avengers a shot. It doesn't just promise to wade through the shit left behind by Avengers vs. X-men. It's billed as a new era in Marvel. It's supposed to be the flagship book of Marvel NOW! where both the Avengers and the X-men join forces in a single team. While their reasons for doing so may be fucked, both Rick Remender and John Cassaday are crafting this book. That's like Da Vinci teaming up with Michelangelo (the artist and not the turtle) in comics. So I would be stupid in addition to being a drunk of I didn't give this book a chance.

Uncanny Avengers #1 begins with a rather grotesque scene that would probably give Dr. House a boner and a craving for more Vicodin. A rather unfortunate yet familiar figure is receiving a rather extensive lobotomy from an unknown figure. That figure is about as unlucky as the coach of the Cleveland Browns in that while he's getting his brain removed, the surgeon (who I'm assuming is on the AMA's shit list) is talking about how humans are more pissed off on mutants than ever before and the only way for mutants to respond is to give the finger to Charles Xavier's memory and start killing people. Guess that's an easy lesson to teach when you're literally picking at someone's brain.

From a very disturbing scene, it transitions into something a little less nauseating depending on how much you cried at the end of Old Yeller. Wolverine gives a eulogy at Professor Xavier's funeral. Because for some reason, they didn't think it was necessary to have something like this when he was FUCKING SHOT IN THE HEAD AT THE END OF MESSIAH COMPLEX! Yes, I yelled that as I typed it because it's worth yelling. It's also worth pointing out because it serves as a reminder that the death of Charles Xavier was ridiculously cheapened because of his history of getting his ass killed. In addition, he had done absolutely jack shit in the X-books as the mutant race he dedicated his life to teaching was on the brink of extinction. Yet for some reason they forget all that shit at the funeral? It must have had an awesome open bar.

As for Wolverine's eulogy, it's surprisingly bland for something that was written by Rick Remender. He essentially reminded everyone what Charles Xavier fought for while completely omitting the fact that he was fucking MIA when the entire mutant species was dying. Hell, Wolverine was flat out wrong when he said the X-men pushed Xavier aside. Does he even know his own continuity? Xavier stepped down from the X-men and never stepped up! If you don't know the man's history, the speech will only make you wonder why Remender cut and pasted shit from John Lennon's funeral when he's shown he's clearly a better writer than this.

As the speech is unfolding, Havok takes a break from doing jack shit and visits his brother in his ruby quartz prison. He basically tells him what an ass he is for killing Xavier and letting the Phoenix Force corrupt him. But anyone who read Avengers vs. X-men even partially sober know Cyclops didn't ask for the Phoenix Force. It was thrust on him courtesy of Tony fucking Stark. Hell, Cyclops could probably sue Stark for sexual harassment if he wanted. But does he take that into account? Fuck no! He's Cyclops's brother and at no time in the history of the human race has a man let little things like the truth prevent him from rubbing salt in an open wound for their brother. In that sense Havok's attitude is understandable, but grossly oversimplifying what actually happened and ignoring the logical inconsistencies with his words just makes him too big a douche. Cyclops, to his credit, doesn't reinforce his brother's attitude. He just reminded him that nobody (including Xavier) did shit to save the mutant race. He did. So he can suck his balls.

He leaves the prison, most likely in a very bad mood, and is greeted by Captain America and Thor. They invite him for a little chat over some overpriced coffee about the future of the Avengers. Captain America, having at least acknowledged that the Avengers have a history of turning a blind eye to mutant affairs, wants Havok to join them. He the Avengers need a mutant presence and the world needs a mutant face they can trust. And who better than the brother of Cyclops and son of Corsair? Because it turned out so fucking well for them. Havok even points this out, but he's still a douche-bag. Claiming his brother is an egotist? Fuck, if trying to create a worldwide utopia and saving your species from extinction is egotistical, then by comparison Mother Theresa was a cunt.

But while Havok was chatting with Captain America and Thor, we find out who that unfortunate lobotomy patient was. It was Avalanche, another mutant who has been more MIA than Terrel Owens's child support payments. For reasons that can only be attributed to brain damage, he unleashes a random rampage in the middle of New York City. Havok assists Captain America and Thor, but the damage is done. In this scene John Cassaday's artwork really shines as does the focus on the civilian victims of the attack. That shit often gets overlooked whenever shit starts blowing up in comics. In real life, when something blows up in a crowded city people get hurt. It's one of those little things that has been missing from the comics and it definitely helps set a different tone for Uncanny Avengers.

That tone gets all the louder when Rogue confronts the Scarlet Witch while she's paying her respects to Professor Xavier's grave. Now no longer languishing with Magneto and cat people dongs in X-men Legacy, she shows up to call the Scarlet Witch a total bitch for basically being the cause of all this shit. And unlike Havok's bullshit attitude against his brother, Rogue is right. None of this shit would have happened if the Scarlet Witch hadn't lost her fucking mind and tried to wipe out an entire species. But again, she (and Remender by default) ignore her own fucking continuity when she claims she accepts responsibility. Really? How the fuck does she do that? She's welcomed back into the Avengers with open arms and she isn't in fucking jail like Cyclops. There's double standards and then there's just plain willful ignorance.

That kind of ignorance really does hurt the story and the dialog. You get the sense that Remender is ignoring the facts even though the circumstances are still fresh. The Scarlet Witch killed a lot of fucking people with her bullshit. Cyclops killed one guy while he was Dark Phoenix. Rogue is right to call her out on her shit and Wanda is total bitch for just calling X-men soldiers who were trying to save their race. This is an instance where Remender's talent fails to create a balanced moment here. Wanda is simply wrong and Rogue is right. But nothing comes of it.

And it's not just because of the circumstances. Rogue never gets a chance to calmly explain why Cyclops killing a man while Dark Phoenix is no different than committing mass genocide while under the influence of Dr. Doom. They never even get a chance to have a little hot girl-on-girl action that Marvel should know by now is something a vast majority of their male readers appreciate. That's because they get attacked by a new team of villains that have only slightly better fashion sense than the last One Direction music video. They have horribly unoriginal names like Goat Faced Girl and Living Wind. Hell, if that's how they're going to identify themselves I should just call myself Iron Liver. But however lame their names may be, they successfully beat back Rogue and the Scarlet Witch to obtain what they came for.

What exactly did they want and who exactly are they working for? How about the dead body and brain of Charles Xavier and the motherfucking Red Skull? That's who has decided to come in and exploit the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men the same way republicans exploit dipshit religious nuts. While it was already revealed in the teasers for Uncanny Avengers that the Red Skull was going to be the main villain, ending the issue with him holding up the brain of Charles Xavier after having given a lobotomy to Avalanche early on definitely leaves an impression. That impression will either put a smile on your face or make you want to throw up. Since I've seen far more disgusting shit hunched over a toilet in a gas station bathroom at three in the morning, I smile because it helps make up for some of the bullshit circumstances of this comic.

I'll give everyone who happens to be a pussy with a weak stomach a moment to come back from praying to the porcelain god like I've done with many a hangover. Now after reading this comic, I'm inclined to disclose that some comics are worth upchucking your meal from the last three days. However, I don't think this is one of them. Comics that are worth it are usually as awesome as a pair of tits and a line of blow. This comic wasn't awesome. It wasn't bad either. It was just okay. A big, fat okay for a book with Rick Remender and John Cassaday. That's like going to a Shakespeare play and getting a Rebecca Black concert instead. Given the massive fuckton of variant covers Marvel has thrown behind this book and the top tier talent they put behind it, for this to be anything but awesome is like taking a shit on the grave of Aristotle.

This comic had some nice moments. Rick Remender's dialog was strong in some areas, but weak and others. Cassaday's artwork was consistently awesome the whole time, especially in the gruesome moments that involved unnecessary brain surgery that would earn any doctor a lawsuit and a jail cell next to Jerry Sandusky. However, what really dragged this issue down was the poor characterization. That's supposed to be one of Remender's greatest strengths, as I've articulated with many drunken reviews of Uncanny X-Force. Here, it's like he thought he was so good at it that he tried to do it blindfolded. It led Havok to coming off as a complete douche, it made Wolverine's eulogy about as emotional and heart-felt as an apology from Mel Gibson, and it did nothing to make Captain America come off as less an asshole. This in addition to the bullshit circumstances left over by Avengers vs. X-men makes this comic a hard book to digest if you've got a weak stomach, but it's good enough in other areas to get you through without chugging a gallon of Pepto Bismol.

Uncanny Avengers #1 was billed as the beginning of a new flagship title for Marvel NOW! But if this is the best Marvel can do, then check that ship for leaks and look for Leonardo DiCapprio drawing Kate Winslett naked because that motherfucker isn't seaworthy. However, it does establish a new mission and a new team against a very devious threat that isn't afraid to desecrate graves and give random characters full lobotomies. In that sense, it's a decent issue. But again, the panties of the comic loving world will remain as dry as the Sahara and the wounds from Avengers vs. X-men will still fester. Because of that, I give Uncanny Avengers #1 a 3 out of 5. It's got pretty pictures and some nice moments. That sort of shit won't get you full service at a Bankok massage parlor, but it will get you a half-hearted happy ending. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men #12 - Epic Cosmic Failure

Strap on your rubber boots, stuff your nose with cotton balls, and drink a gallon of paint thinner because it's finally here! Marvel's once promising epic crossover turned Category 5 shit storm is coming to an end! Avengers vs. X-men, the once promising mega-event that Marvel promised would be the greatest innovation in comics since Emma Frost's breast implants started off like an ecstasy fueled orgy at the Playboy Mansion. Then beginning with the 10th issue, it turned into a prostate exam with a boxing glove. After 9 issues, Marvel pretty much just said "fuck it" and ditched everything that made the story compelling. They threw away the story with Hope and any potential Jean Grey connection. They threw away any notion of making the conflict between the Avengers and X-men balanced on any level. Hell, they might as well have been a paranoid schizophrenic throwing away their medications and then watching the Matrix. It's been that fucked up. So it is with a sense of relief, mercy, and a touch of a hangover that this epic tribute on how NOT to do a major comic event comes to an end.

Now to be fair, Avengers vs. X-men still has had some pretty awesome moments. Watching Cyclops beat up Captain America was great. Seeing Emma Frost utterly neuter Thor will always put a smile on my face. And seeing Storm and Black Panther's relationship dissolve in a spectacle that would even disgust Chris Brown ensures that this event will have some slivers of gold in the mountain of shit it turned out to be. But there's a saying by some guy I used to smoke weed with before he disappeared mysteriously in the jungles of Columbia. Even a 100 epic beginnings can be nullified by 1 epic ending. There was something else he said about bratty, redheaded Jean Grey rip-offs, but at this point I'm pretty sure he was out of his fucking mind.

But as critical as I've been towards Avengers vs. X-men, I'm always willing to give a story a chance to redeem itself at least in part (unless it involves cat people dongs, ie X-men Legacy). Even though at this point the story has devolved to a point where it couldn't be awesome even if it was printed on Pamela Anderson's tits, there's still a chance that it could at least become less shitty. Marvel has already made a big deal about the aftermath of this series and how it will lead into the Marvel NOW! relaunch. And even I'm not drunk enough to deny that some of that shit looks pretty damn sweet, but it'll definitely be sweeter if Avengers vs. X-men doesn't end up swirling the toilet bowl with hangover vomit mixed with purified shit.

That may be a tall order after Avengers vs. X-men #11 because Marvel once again went out of their way to ditch the little things like detail and plot, opting instead to just try to shock readers into not regretting paying four bucks for this shit. After being poked, prodded, tempted, and talked down to like a dog, Cyclops finally lost his shit. He killed Xavier, attacked his girlfriend, stole her part of the Phoenix Force, and went Dark Phoenix. It was less a story and more a case study in how you shit all over a character for incredibly shitty reasons without having to call it German fetish porn. Now I've been in favor of Cyclops being humbled for a while. A guy who runs his own country and gets to bone Emma Frost is bound to let shit go to his head at some point. But if you're going to humble him, at least have that shit make sense. Cyclops spent the past few issues with everyone claiming he's a fucking monster after he used his Phoenix powers to create a worldwide Utopia. Not only that, the only way they try to reason with him is to fight him. Even when it clearly makes shit worse, they keep doing it like that retarded kid in grade school who wouldn't stop eating the paste. Marvel could have at least tried to be more cohesive in his downfall, but that would have required thinking.

In addition, they've pretty much ignored Hope Summers and haven't tried to make her any less a little bitch. If anything, they've made her even more unlikable, if that's not a feat in and of itself. Not only did she run off from the X-men, but she later agreed to leave with the Avengers after the X-men went to great lengths to save her ass in Second Coming. Instead, she didn't just trust the assholes who don't have a lick of experience in dealing with the Phoenix. She trusted Wanda fucking Maximoff, as in the same bitch who made her messiah tricks necessary. Not only that, Marvel reached into the deepest recesses of their asses and pulled out some elaborate story about how the Phoenix Force is connected to K'un L'un and some other redheaded Jean Grey rip-off named Fongi. Speaking of which, that connection between Hope Summers and Jean Grey that was hinted at so many times before? Completely forgotten. Now I've blacked out many times and forgotten some pretty messed up shit, namely where I parked my car and who shit in my pants. But something that blatant? Fuck, even I can't drink that much. But sooner or later, Hope Summers has to do something that makes her partially redeemable. And since Avengers vs. X-men #12 is the last issue, it's now or never for the little rip-off bitch.

Avengers vs. X-men #12 starts by just reminding readers how fucked they are and how little thought Marvel has given to the details. Iron Man basically summarizes that when Wanda went nuts and tried to wipe out the mutant race, the Phoenix Force got pissed because it fucked up its sense of cosmic order. Hope was basically the yin to Wanda's yang/nervous breakdown. She's supposed to be to the Phoenix what Wanda is to her crazy chaos magic that she used to butt-fuck the universe. And together, they're best equipped to stop Cyclops and the Phoenix. In other words, Cyclops was right. Hope needs to take on the Phoenix Force and the Avengers were fucking stupid to try and prevent it in the first place. That's how fucked this story is and how fucked readers should feel.

This knowledge isn't lost on Hope, aka the Jean Grey ripoff that is still an arrogant bitch. She finally points out to Wanda that all this shit is her fault. And she's right. It was her fault. She's responsible for M-Day. She's responsible for Hope having to be born in the first place. Hell, she's responsible for Hope having to be this arrogant little bitch that ditches the people who did everything to save her ass and trusts people who didn't give a damn about her until the world was coming to an end. So yeah, Wanda deserves to get her ass kicked and to shoulder some of the blame. But will she be held accountable for M-Day in the same way Cyclops will probably be held accountable for Xavier's death? Fuck no! That shit might actually make sense. It's just a flashy little fight between two bitches that have done nothing but fuck up reality. And flashy is fun. It's just not as fun as it would be if they were naked and covered in rum.

But that shit happened in a flashback. In the present, Cyclops has gone Dark Phoenix after all the bullshit and pestering the Avengers have done since they personally split the Phoenix. Oh wait, the Avengers were responsible for splitting the Phoenix? I'm sorry, but that shit was never mentioned. It's all just Cyclops going on a rampage while the Avengers and the X-men who have since decided to become Avengers groupies trying to keep the world intact. There's not even a thought bubble that says "Hmm...maybe we shouldn't have tried to shoot the Phoenix with one of Stark's crazy inventions or keep poking Cyclops until he went nuts." It just gives the impression that Cyclops is evil now and the Avengers had no part in it. Really Marvel? You can't spare a fucking thought bubble anymore?

As is often the case with Dark Phoenix, everyone is obscenely outmatched. Cyclops beats up and bitch-slaps everyone that tries to attack him. He compares it to them trying to snuff out the sun by throwing pebbles at it. It's a pretty fair comparison. One of those pebbles is named Nova, as in the same annoying kid from that shitty Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon that first reported that the Phoenix was coming. Well, he shows up to blind-side the Phoenix. You get the sense that Marvel just realized they were running out of pages and needed to do something with Nova so they did the least creative thing possible. There's being contrived and then there's just being lazy. Nova does absolutely nothing to change the nature of this battle aside from allowing Marvel to say they didn't ignore him. Really? That's worth wasting a two-page spread? When did you treat story like Congress treats debt, Marvel?

The tide finally does turn when Hope and the Scarlet Witch enter the battle. Really? It took them this fucking long after they did absolutely jack shit in the last issue? The Avengers decided it didn't make tactical sense to lead with the Yin and Yang that Iron Man told them in a flashback? They just had to screw with the Phoenix even more until it went Dark Phoenix? Again, there isn't so much as a fucking thought bubble to explain this obscenely shitty tactic! Did they think they needed another challenge? And that was worth incurring the wrath of Dark Phoenix?

It's yet another detail Marvel has overlooked, almost as much as any hint of a Hope/Jean Grey connection. They just needed their heroes to look stupid first by attacking something they knew they couldn't stop until Hope and the Scarlet Witch had taken their thumbs out of their asses to actually participate! What makes this shit all the more egregious is that their combined efforts finally do turn the tide. Without any other help from the Avengers, they're able to disrupt Dark Phoenix's rampage. I's still not all that epic. Again, being naked and covered in rum would help, but that may just be another extra that makes too much sense for Marvel.

The combined efforts of Hope and the Scarlet Witch finally overwhelm Cyclops. It allows the Avengers to finally participate and not look like they're pissing into the wind. Again, why the fuck didn't they just wait until Hope and the Scarlet Witch softened him up ahead of time? I seriously cannot wrap my head around that shit. But in the end it does weaken Cyclops to a point where the non-crazy part of his brain kicks in and he asks them to kill him. But the crazy is just too strong and he tries to fight back. That's when after 11 issues of Phoenix, we finally get a shadowy glimpse of Jean Grey.

Now maybe this shit is all in his head. That's probably the official story at Marvel so they can still say Jean is dead with a straight face. But whatever ti is, Jean's figure shows up to Cyclops and she tells him to let the Phoenix go. Emma doesn't tell him this. Xavier doesn't tell him this. It's Jean. She's the one who can get through to his sorry ass. It's probably the only shit in this battle that makes sense at this point. But at least we can say partially that Jean Grey does show up in Avengers vs. X-men, but at the last fucking moment no less. As if she couldn't do this before Cyclops killed Xavier. Again, that shit would just make too much sense. Really Marvel? What do you have against stories that make sense? Do they make you sick or something? If so, see a fucking doctor and quit using it as an excuse to fuck up good comics.

Cyclops takes Jean's advice. He finally lets the Phoenix Force go and it in turn goes directly to Hope Summers...as in, the same Hope Summers that was supposed to get the fucking Phoenix in the first place! This time, the Avengers don't get in her way. They don't try to blast it with one of Tony Stark's gadgets. They just let the Phoenix take Hope...as they should have fucking done in the first fucking issue! And what happens? The world doesn't end. That's right. It took a royal fuck-up that led Cyclops to go Dark Phoenix for them to realize that Hope is meant to wield the Phoenix. And with it, she essentially repairs the damage Cyclops did...after he did the exact same thing without being a messiah and without any bullshit training in K'un L'un. Again, is Marvel allergic to stories that make sense?

This scene only confirms something I suspected after smoking enough weed. Marvel purposefully dragged this series out because they knew it would sell more. And you know what? They're right. Fear Itself was just 7 issues and that's not enough money for their Disney overlords. So what's the solution? Draw a story out much longer than it needs to be. The whole point of the battle between the Avengers and the X-men was because one side wanted the Phoenix to go to Hope and the other didn't. Well now the Phoenix took Hope and it fucking worked. All that shit with the Phoenix Five didn't need to happen. It was just padded on and/or an excuse to fuck up Cyclops beyond repair. I'm not sure which reason was more pressing, but I'm pretty sure padding it and the money that would result played a bigger role.

After Hope is done fixing the damage that Cyclops did (only after the Avengers made it possible in the first place) she takes on the same White Phoenix costume that Jean Grey used to wield. So now she doesn't just look like Jean Grey and use the Phoenix like Jean Grey. She has to dress like her as well in the EXACT SAME FUCKING COSTUME! And yet Marvel did absolutely nothing to explain a link between her and Jean if there was one?

But I digress. The key moment here is where the Scarlet Witch comes in. She tells Hope that before she does what Cyclops did and try to fix the world, she should consider why she's the mutant messiah. She says it isn't because she can wield the Phoenix. It's because she can let that shit go and somehow that's going to fix everything. It makes about as much sense as saying that holding a magnet to your nuts will cure cancer. But at this point I've given up hoping that this story will make sense.

With help from the Scarlet Witch, Hope released the Phoenix with a "No more Phoenix" spell. This causes it's power to spread out, as explained by the Stepford Cuckoos, and undo M-day. All over the world, mutants start popping up again. And it's not just isolated mutants and Akira rip-offs that Hope has to fix. These are real mutants that M-Day nearly wiped out. This has another grave implication. It means Cyclops was fucking right all along! Hope was meant to undo M-Day. The Phoenix was meant to save the mutant race. He was fucking right all along and the Avengers just got in the way until the world got fucked up enough for them to realize that they screwed up. Oh wait, they didn't fucking realize that! They just watch in the same way a cow watches two horses fuck each other. And all Hope had to do was fucking let it go. Really? She needed training for that shit?!

Even though the Avengers were the ones that fucked up the Phoenix and got in the way from Hope doing what needed to be done, Cyclops is still arrested. He's still the big villain that must pay for the crimes that the Avengers themselves started. To his credit, Cyclops admits his guilt. He and Captain America have a little conversation in a ruby quartz cell where Cyclops basically laments for what he's done. He knows he killed Xavier and went crazy. And he wants to take full responsibility, even though Emma and the rest of the Phoenix Five are still missing. Captain America takes some of the blame as well, but not for provoking the Phoenix Force or anything that logical. He just admits that the Avengers were assholes for not helping mutants when they should have. That's it. That's all he apologizes for. Yet he has the balls to yell at Cyclops and call him a criminal? Hearing that from Captain America almost makes me want to renounce my citizenship and move to Switzerland.

That would have been a pretty shitty ending to the story. But Marvel just can't resist making it even more shitty. They show that Hope, after finally fulfilling her destiny, is still fucking alive! This annoying, bratty, arrogant, rip-off character didn't die in releasing the Phoenix. She's still in one piece and looking like the rip-off character we've all come to despise. I thought messiahs were supposed to sacrifice? What the fuck did she sacrifice? She betrayed the X-men, acted like an arrogant brat, and came off without a scratch. That, my friends, is how you make shit shittier.

Allow me to take a deep breath and a shot of heroine to gather my thoughts before closing the book on this herculean clusterfuck that Marvel has conjured. I'll start by saying that Avengers vs. X-men #12 didn't make shit any worse. That's the absolute least we could have hoped for at this point. But beyond that, it really did nothing that would make me conclude, either drunk or sober, that this story was even remotely decent. It did succeed in one key aspect though. It undid M-Day. It finally took mutants off the endangered species list and it did so exactly as Cyclops thought it would by having Hope use the Phoenix Force kickstart the mutant race again. So in the end, he was right and Captain America was wrong. Yet still Cyclops lost and is labeled a douche-bag. It makes about as much sense as an economics lecture by a drunk Glenn Beck. But beyond restarting the mutant race, it also forced the Avengers to admit they were twiddling their thumbs while mutants were being ass-fucked by karma. It effectively sets the stage for Marvel NOW! It also humbles Cyclops in a way that's been overdue for quite some time. Granted, it was more excessive than Marlon Brando's caloric intake, but now he's not the ruler of a country that's boning Emma Frost on the side. He's been utterly screwed so hopefully that means the rabid anti-Cyclops crowd will finally shut the fuck up for at least five minutes. Plus, it ended the Storm/Black Panther marriage. Let's face it, that alone does give this story some merit because that relationship was more screwed than Tiger Woods's marriage.

That's the good. The bad is a billion times worse. The conclusion of Avengers vs. X-men is a case study in what happens when you give a drunk a frontal lobotomy and unlimited amounts of alcohol before telling him to organize a story. This issue is like that asshole that drives a Hummer, runs over people, and doesn't even bother to slow down to take note of who they just maimed. The bikers in this case are the details and cohesiveness to this story. Cyclops went Dark Phoenix and terrorized the utopian world he created. Yet no one seemed to realize that he only did this after every fucking hero on the planet kept poking him with a stick and finding new ways to piss him off. All Captain America admitted to was that he didn't help mutants when he should have. He never admitted that he was wrong to just pick a fight with the X-men when he didn't know shit about the Phoenix.

That leads to the absolute most egregious detail of the story. The Avengers were fucking wrong in keeping the Phoenix away from Hope. Had they just gotten out of the way and let Hope do her shit, she would have fixed everything without all this Phoenix Five shit in the first place! In the end they pretty much ignored the fact that they fought tooth and nail to keep the Phoenix from getting to her, but only found out in the end that it had to happen. And all that so-called 'training' she did in K'un L'un? What the fuck was it even for? All she had to do was fucking let the Phoenix go. Do you really need to train for that shit? She did with the Phoenix exactly what Cyclops did and fixed the world. And he didn't need any training. So why the fuck would Hope? It essentially renders all those details about the Phoenix and its history with K'un L'un that Marvel pissed out like ricey diarrhea completely worthless.

Moreover, Hope Summers is still fucking alive! That's the second most egregious detail. This annoying brat/Jean Grey ripoff is still fucking breathing after this series. I know I've made my hatred of Hope very clear in recent times, but Marvel keeps finding ways to make her easier to hate. First, they constantly tease a link between her and Jean Grey and claim it will be explained in Avengers vs. X-men. But do we get those details? Fuck no! All we get is Hope ditching the X-men after they sacrificed damn near everything to save her ungrateful ass and trusting the Avengers, who ended up being dead wrong about her and the Phoenix anyways. Not only that, we have a teenage Jean Grey coming back in All New X-men. That shit is confirmed. Yet we still have this annoying little bitch who looks like her and was teased to be her still alive? If the shitty organization of Avengers vs. X-men didn't make it worth less than the paper you wipe your ass with, that shit sure does.

This event had so much promise. It started off as one of the best events I've ever read and I was so hopeful that it would raise the bar for Marvel moving forward. But once again, I've learned to never trust Marvel with big events. They only know how to start. They don't know how to finish. They can jump out of a plane with ease, but they don't know how to work the fucking parachute. Avengers vs. X-men was an egregiously bad event in that it failed to understand its own logic and was about as cohesive as Britney Spears's second marriage. The fine folks at Marvel have adopted a "Fuck the finer details" policy while thinking that the only way to develop a character is through fucking character assassination. After the sheer disappointment left by Fear Itself, Avengers vs. X-men found a way to actually lower the bar. For that, I give Avengers vs. X-men #12 a 2 out of 5. It would have been much lower, but it wasn't bad enough to make me want to ditch Marvel NOW! For the next big event, I just hope that Marvel starts giving more of a shit.

So it's over. The Phoenix is gone again and we're still stuck with Hope fucking Summers. Marvel has taken a massive shit on Cyclops's character while going out of their way to make the Avengers come out smelling like Scarlet Johannen's breasts. All I can say is good riddance, fuck Avengers vs. X-men, fuck Hope Summers, and fuck I need a beer and a mountain of blow. Nuff said!