Uncanny X-men #3 - All Talk, All Awesome

I consider myself an atypical American patriot with a drinking problem. I say atypical because even at my most drunk and most sober, I’m not so blinded by the red, white, and blue mantra that I cry uncontrollably when I hear the Star Spangled Banner. I have functioning balls last I checked and a head with a few functioning brain cells that I haven’t damaged yet. That means I’m not going stick my head in the same pit as Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity and say that America’s school system is in the shitter, our health care system is below average at best, and our policy of sending drones to murder people is fucked up. That also means I’m not going to defend the de-facto super-patriot that represents America in Marvel comics, which happens to be Captain America.

When it comes to my sentiment of Cap and the Avengers, I’ve been about as subtle on this blog as a bad hangover. I think their assholes were left way too intact at the end of Avengers vs. X-men. They had the billion-dollar movie. They had Joss fucking Whedon. They had Sam fucking Jackson. Conversely, the X-men had X3, Wolverine Origins, and Brett fucking Ratner. So while I shouldn’t have been terribly surprised that they came out with their shit smelling like French perfume, the extent to which the X-men were screwed simply defies my drunken abilities.

Now I don’t care to go over all the ways in which the Avengers were dead wrong and utter assholes over the course of Avengers vs. X-men. I know I sound like I’m shooting a dead horse with a bazooka here, but this issue is still not resolved in the comics. And it’s still very relevant in the pages of Uncanny X-men. It’s because the Avengers came out on top that Cyclops is a wanted fugitive, Emma Frost no longer lets him see her naked, and Magneto is secretly aiding SHIELD. Now that’s not to say Cyclops is innocent either. He’s still been a straight-A dick-cheese on more than one occasion. But he’s starting a new revolution in the pages of Uncanny X-men and he’s still stuck having to work around all the ways he was screwed over in Avengers vs. X-men.

The first two issues of Uncanny X-men have basically been Brian Michael Bendis showing how Cyclops’s new team functions in this new world where the Avengers have clean assholes and mutants are being shit on all over the world. He hasn’t exactly been subtle (or peaceful) in his efforts to protect a new generation of mutants, but he has succeeded in recruiting a handful of eager young teenagers. And he’s even managed to gain some public support as Cyclops has become sort of the Bill Murray while the Avengers are David Hasselhoff. The world doesn’t know that he killed Charles Xavier and even if they did, him being fucked up on the Phoenix Force still helps his case. Plus, he still can say he boned Emma Frost AND Jean Grey. That alone should earn him respect in any universe.

But ever since he busted out of jail, it has only been a matter of time before his new team crossed paths with the Avengers again. And at the end of Uncanny X-men #2, Magneto hastened that confrontation in the same way giving firecrackers to a 5-year-old hastens a trip to the emergency room. After one of the new mutants, Eva, convinces the team to visit her family in Australia, he called up SHIELD to let the Avengers know where Cyclops was going to be. Now it’s Avengers vs. X-men Part 2: Whose Shit Stinks The Least?

The first thing that happens in Uncanny X-men #3 is we find out that Tempest, the X-men's newest Aussie time-displacing mutant, admires Captain America the most. Hell, she even wrote a school essay about it. And it sounds like she actually wrote it while sober. I never had an essay topic that I felt that passionately about so that says a lot about this girl. But unfortunately, she gets to confront her idol while he and the Avengers are being a douche because once that flashback is over, she and the rest of Cyclops's team are standing face-to-face with the Avengers again. They still have a hard-on for throwing Cyclops in jail for murder. If only they could be as dedicated in throwing third world dictators that use the skulls of their victims as dildos in jail, then maybe they wouldn't come off as total assholes.

What comes next is an argument that should have happened immediately after the end of Avengers vs. X-men, which is someone pointing out that Tony fucking Stark was responsible for fucking up the Phoenix Force in Avengers vs. X-men. And this is pointed out by a woman he once fucked no less, namely Emma Frost. I don't know why, but something about that makes this scene all the more satisfying. It's like a girl telling a guy to fuck off just as he was about to give her herpes. And she's completely right. Iron Man and the Avengers were responsible for the shit that happened with the Phoenix, yet they want Cyclops and Emma to pay for it. That's like having a house party where you burned the house down and making the guy you set on fire pay for a new house.

Even if this scene was way overdue, I found it very satisfying. Bendis once again shows that he's great at playing on tension, especially between characters that have boned. However, the argument is somewhat unbalanced. Everything Emma and Cyclops say is perfectly valid. But all the Avengers respond with is "You killed Charles Xavier. You got to jail, motherfucker." That's the only substance to their argument. They don't address their role in Avengers vs. X-men...again. Iron Man claims he helped fix the Phoenix Force when he broke it with his big micro-dick compensating gun, but he didn't do shit. That was all Hope freakin' Summers. Yet nobody pointed that out. While I'm glad to see the Avengers get pwned in a way they should have long ago, it was still more unbalanced than a bipolar schizophrenic off their meds.

Eventually, the debate shifts away from who fucked up during Avengers vs. X-men the most. Cyclops rightly points out to the Avengers that mutants are being treated in the same way the Vatican treats abused alter boys, namely by ignoring them. They point out that the mutants they've saved were arrested and harassed by the authorities for reasons that essentially boiled down to "They made me shit my pants! Arrest them!" Captain America claims they are doing something about it by hiring Havok for their Uncanny Avengers team. But that's like saying you're going to solve global warming by not farting anymore. It's a hollow gesture that doesn't change how mutants are being treated. Cyclops knows this. Captain America doesn't seem to give enough shits see that as well.

It's a debate the Avengers aren't winning and aren't even trying to win from the looks of it. Everything Cyclops and Emma tell them are valid. And they aren't even assholes about it (well, Emma is still a bitch, but that's besides the point). They even ask some of the Avengers to join them in helping mutants, which is pretty remarkable seeing as how these are the same assholes that threw them in jail. Even Tempest, the girl who said in a flashback that she admired Captain America the most, came out and said that she was arrested for being a mutant. She is living proof that they're not doing dick to help people like her.

The Avengers only have one recourse in the end. It essentially boils down to "Fuck it! Let's just kick their ass and forget all the perfectly valid points they made!" Hawkeye best embodies this spirit of who gives a shit? He and the rest of the Avengers make it clear that Cyclops and Emma can't sweet talk their way out of jail. They still blame them for the death of Charles Xavier and not the assholes who put them in that position in the first place. So does this mean we're going to get yet another round of Avengers vs. X-men? Is this yet another big overhyped event that will give Michael Bay some disturbing new ideas for his movies?

In short, fuck no. There's no need to get it up for that overfucked corpse of a story. Before the Avengers can channel their inner LAPD, Tempest steps in and freezes the Avengers in a time bubble. So even though she says she admired Captain America the most, she's not willing to ignore it when he's responsible for a dick move. I think that adds a little extra drama too the moment, having someone who admitted to admiring Captain America so much be the one that had to stop him. It allows the X-men to avoid another damaging battle and it also gives Tempest time to say goodbye to her mother again. Cyclops even does a little granstanding for the folks with camera phones. Is it shameless? Hell yes. Does it help reinforce the point that mutants are screwed and the Avengers don't give a shit? Fuck the hell yes.

While they leave Australia emboldened and intact, they return to their base with yet another unpleasant confrontation. In the first issue of Uncanny X-men, we found out that Magneto did something really fucked up in that he shaved his head and betrayed the team. In the previous issue, he opted to stay behind and call SHIELD so the Avengers could be there in the first place. That makes it pretty fucking obvious who tipped them off and Cyclops is none too happy about it. The confrontation here has the potential to be way more volatile than the one they had with the Avengers. Cyclops just can't seem to get a break in that he just pwned the Avengers. Now he's being betrayed.

However, Bendis throws in a twist that M. Night Shyamalan would scoff at. Magneto admits to betraying the team, but he claims he does it for a strategic reason. He's actually playing the role of a double agent, earning SHIELD's trust so that the team could have a leg up on the authorities that seem hell bent on throwing them and every mutant like them in jail. Cyclops is not happy with it, but everyone else seems to think it's fucking brilliant. It is on some levels, but in terms of story it effectively nullifies any tension that was established in the first two issues. So Magneto isn't actually betraying them. That was just a ruse and if you fell for it, then tough shit. All that really came of it is Magneto ended up bald.

The team seems fairly eager to forgive Magneto for going behind their backs. Cyclops still doesn't like it, but it does present them with some pretty compelling opportunities. After things settle, they find out from a news broadcast in Australia that the Avengers are still frozen in time. In addition, Tempest's mother says on camera that the Avengers were acting like assholes. It can only be a good thing for Cyclops's team because that means the Avengers can't stop them if they choose to fuck with them. Magik even suggests going to Avengers Tower and clogging all their toilets, probably after binging on expired Mexican food. But Cyclops has something more pragmatic in mind and involves less strain on their assholes. I still would go to the tower and put crazy glue on all the condoms and tampons they have, but I guess Cyclops isn't as willing to push his luck.

Instead of fucking with the Avengers, he and his team choose to pay a visit to the Jean Grey Institute. Since no Avengers are going to be there to arrest them, that means they're free to make their pitch to any of the mutants who have gotten sick of Wolverine's training. It also means they're poised to confront the Original Five again, who they initially encountered in All New X-men. Seeing as how that confrontation was flat out ignored in the first two issues, we may actually see something come of it now. Plus, it means Cyclops will be in a position to shoot Wolverine again. And that can only make any comic more awesome!

I get the sense that this issue of Uncanny X-men was written explicitly for the fans who were pissed off by the end of Avengers vs. X-men. For that, I owe Brian Michael Bendis and Chris Belacho a round of beer, a few joints, and a line of my best blow. This could have easily become one of those comics where they just copied and pasted the battle scenes from Avengers vs. X-men and saved themselves the time and trouble of actually doing some work. But that didn't happen here. Cyclops and his team confronted the Avengers, but they didn't pwn them by just beating them. Everyone from the Red Skull to Thanos knows that shit doesn't work. Instead, they beat them by pointing out how they were just as responsible, if not more so, for fucking up during the events of Avengers vs. X-men. This is something I have pointed out multiple times on this blog, both sober and drunk. It took a while for my arguments to show up in a comic book, but it was worth the wait and the extra liver damage!

Now whenever a comic is mostly talk and not much action, there's always a risk that it's going to turn out boring, lame, or fucked up. Comic fans these days have been raised on a steady supply of mindless action featuring killer robots, macho men, and big-breasted women dominating movies, TV shows, and comics. While this issue had the macho men and big-breasted women part down thanks to the presence of Captain America and Emma Frost, there wasn't much mindless action. You actually had to read and think for most of this issue and for some people, that's just unacceptable. But for me, I say fuck those people! By not having mindless action, this issue was all the more awesome.

Brian Michael Bendis has been very consistent in terms of making the dramatic moments count and taking things slowly over the course of a story. In both All New X-men and Uncanny X-men, the big action scenes that involve shit blowing up actually are pretty rare when you get right down to it. Bendis's greatest strength is his ability to really develop the characters and the circumstances surrounding them. With three issues of Uncanny X-men, he's set up a pretty awesome theme. Cyclops and his team are on the run. They're trying to help the new generation of mutants while the Avengers won't loosen their panties and insist on throwing him in jail while they do jack shit for mutants. Seriously, do they really think they can do as much good as Cyclops could do with Alex freakin' Summers? I think not.

The one issue that may be a buzzkill on par with your parents finding your porno stash is Magneto's so-called betrayal. While I admit it makes perfect sense to work smarter and not harder when your powers are on the fritz, but Magneto pretending to betray the X-men just kills whatever tension there may have been surrounding this plot. It could have made for a very daunting challenge for Cyclops and his team to face. Now it's just another act of pwnage that could blow up in their face and probably will. I get that Magneto's triple-cross was meant to give the team a tactical edge, but it just seemed like another missed opportunity. I actually believed Magneto in the first issue when he said he wanted Cyclops to suffer for killing Charles Xavier. Now he's just shrugging that shit off, continuing to be Cyclops's de-facto lieutenant. It essentially puts Magneto back into the same position he was in before Avengers vs. X-men. The only difference now is that he shaved his head and that rarely works for an old white guy.

But Uncanny X-men #3 wasn't about Magneto's betrayal. It was about pwning the Avengers and in that sense it succeeded. Cyclops and his team didn't have to bitch-slap Captain America to prove their point. They only needed to make his balls shrivel to the point that they could work around him. And now they are. Cyclops's team is in position to get around SHIELD and the Avengers while continuing their goal of helping a new generation of mutants. And now they're also poised to get a few new recruits from the Jean Grey Institute, and maybe cop a feel from a teenage Jean Grey in the process. If that isn't an epic win, then how much close can you possibly get without the use of blow? I give Uncanny X-men #3 a 4.5 out of 5. After reading this issue, I stood up proudly and said "Suck it, Avengers!" Of course, that ended up getting me thrown out of the Starbucks, but one of the baristas was a comic fan so I got her number. Guess that's an epic win for both me and Cyclops! Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5 - Unchanging Awesome

Getting comic book fans to agree on anything to a large degree is a lot like trying to teach evolution to Pat Roberson. You're bound to get obscenely frustrated and probably make yourself dumber in the process. But every now and then, something does unite a certain segment of comic book fans in a way you won't get outside a group of PETA supporters trying to rescue a crate of baby seals from underneath an overturned truck. Avengers vs. X-men did a lot to pit comic fans against one another. Hell, I'm convinced that if Marvel could find a way to force fans into covering their bodies in peanut butter and fighting live bears in an arena in addition to buying their comics, I'm sure they would do it. But in the end that division led to a few profound realizations amidst the terrible storytelling that no sober mind could possibly conjure. It led us all to realize that Cyclops is the man with the plan and while may be a douche that gets to regularly put his penis into the hottest telepaths in comics, he's often vindicated in the long run.

This has given rise to the whole Cyclops was right movement. Sure, the Avengers came out of Avengers vs. X-men smelling like the Virgin Mary's vagina, but that doesn't change the inescapable fact that they were dead wrong and epic dumbasses over the course of the fight. If they had their way, the Phoenix Force would have torched the whole planet (see X-Sanction if you think that's just the bias conclusion of an admitted drunk) and the entire mutant species would have been doomed. They would either have had to spend the rest of their lives sucking Cyclops's dick to apologize or just shrug their shoulders and act like even bigger assholes. But despite all the bullshit that transpired in Avengers vs. X-men, most of which the Avengers were directly responsible for, Cyclops was right about the Phoenix kick starting the mutant race. And what was his reward? He got thrown in fucking jail. That and killed Professor Xavier by accident, but fuck if that guy wasn't asking for it by taking on the Phoenix all by himself and doing everything possible to piss it off.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences follows Cyclops and the rest of the Marvel universe as they recover, but mostly it focuses on how much Cyclops's life in prison sucks ass. In the past four issues we've seen various major players in Avengers vs. X-men make sense of this new world where mutants aren't endangered and Cyclops is a criminal for being right. At times, it's been somewhat narrow. Hell, for most of this series, you could just call it, "The shit that happens to Cyclops and the team he used to save the fucking world." I get that it's probably too much to ask to cover every corner of the Marvel universe in the aftermath of a big event in just a five-issue mini, but this mini took a critical turn at the end of the last issue.

From the beginning of this little aftermath series, Cyclops has been committed to taking full responsibility for his actions. He's allowed himself to be imprisoned, despite getting some secret help from Agent Brand at SWORD and a still at-large Magneto. He's prepared to spend the rest of his days protecting the integrity of his asshole, playing the part of a martyr for the mutant race and requesting that he be buried face down in his grave so the Avengers (and Wolverine) can kiss his ass. But then in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4, a very dramatic event prompted him to say, "Fuck this! There's still work to be done and my asshole isn't going to get any less vulnerable!" A newly manifested mutant, who happened to be a prisoner that Cyclops befriended, was murdered right in front of him and the guards at the prison handled it with the same urgency as Rush Limbaugh has to losing weight. Even though mutants are back from extinction, they're in a world that's determined to shank them and piss on their corpses for shits and giggles. And he just can't have that.

Avengers vs. Consequences #5, the final issue of this mini, begins with Magneto preparing to comply with the order given to him by Cyclops at the end of the previous issue. Breaking him out of jail at a time when the Avengers are supremely pissed off at him is tricky, but Magneto has just the right tools for the job and one of those tools has great tits. Danger, who was essentially relieved of her duty as prison guard on Utopia by Unit has decided to help out along with Magik, who most likely just got bored fucking with Colossus and Storm. It's their job to get Cyclops out before the Avengers and X-men team up again and reinforce each others' douche-baggery. In the Marvel universe, we call this kind of shit every other Tuesday.

Something else that happens every other Thursday is Hope Summers being an annoying little brat. I know I seem to dedicate a good chunk of my blog and a good bit of my stash of blow towards describing all the ways in which Hope is a useless Jean Grey rip-off that deserves to be utterly nullified from existence, but it's a point worth reinforcing. After deciding in the first issue of Consequences that she wanted to give a normal life a change, she once again said "Fuck it, I'm going back on that shit" in the same way she went back on the X-men when they tried to protect her ass in Avengers vs. X-men. The Avengers catch up with her, who now know that whenever Hope is left to her own devices really bad shit happens. They find out she's been looking for Cable and finding new ways to make herself come off as a bitch. Because with her there's never enough. Not much is really said here other than the Avengers are worried and they had to go to great lengths to find her. Like Hope Summers herself, this development is useless until the Avengers get word there's a prison riot going on and it doesn't involve a fucking hunger strike.

Knowing that the Avengers are probably not too keen on letting Cyclops escape, Magneto and what's left of the Extinction Team descend on the prison with the subtlety of monster truck being driven by Lindsey Lohan. Armed with Magik's teleportation powers and her Facebook friends in Limbo, she tears some holes in that prison that no sodomy joke could ever appropriately describe. It's not very flashy. Hell, they don't really break a sweat. They might as well be twiddling their thumbs and playing Angry Birds while Magik's buddies do all the work while Cyclops waits patiently for his ride.

He doesn't have to wait for very long either. He's as calm as Tom Brady in an orgy of supermodels as Magneto busts down a few walls and Danger frees him of that ridiculous helmet he's been forced to wear. There's not much in terms of resistance. We're left to assume the underpaid prison guards just started shitting themselves and ran or were so ill-equipped to handle the attack that they Magik just took them out while Magneto was waving his dick in their faces. Again, it's not very flashy and not very detailed. The focus is on freeing Cyclops, but it's not enough to just get him out of jail. Cyclops, having adopted this new fuck-the-world-and-my-old-boy-scout-image mentality, has to make a statement first.

The last issue left a significant impact on Cyclops. After finding out that one of his fellow prisoners was a mutant, befriending him, and watching him get murdered in front of his eyes, he decided that shit just can't stand. Now armed with a career supervillain, a killer robot AI with tits, and a crazy teenage mutant girl who had her soul gang-banged in Limbo he's in a position to do the very un-Christian thing and get back. He starts by taking the prisoners responsible for the mutant's death and letting Magik send them on an all-expense-paid trip to Limbo where their assholes will be ravaged in ways that no prison will ever match. Then he addresses the warden who was profiting from this shitty excuse for a prison and jerking off while mutants were murdered. He doesn't kill him. He just makes it clear that he's not going to get away with shit like this unscathed.

Now stop for a moment and listen. Do you hear that? That's the sound of every Cyclops-hater taking to the internet and bitching about how he's the new Magneto and how he's now a villain. Well in this case there's not much ambiguity. Cyclops is carrying himself as the kind of guy that would have a beer with Magneto and not favor peaceful solutions to human/mutant conflict. But in this context, it makes sense because Cyclops just witnessed in the previous issue what a new generation of mutants is facing. There are a lot of crazy assholes out there who are more inclined to kill mutants rather than embrace them. And Xavier's old philosophy of peace just isn't going to work with them. While Cyclops is pretty badass, he's not very Cyclops-like. And maybe that's the point of this scene and this series as a whole. The events of Avengers vs. X-men have created a very different Cyclops. He's not Magneto, but he's not Xavier either. He's just a guy who has a big fucking problem with people who get boners from killing mutants.

The Avengers eventually do arrive on the scene, but like Bristol Palin after a camping trip with her boyfriend they're late. Not much happens here other than cleaning up the rubble and some light head-scratching as to why Cyclops would be inclined to escape after being so thoroughly screwed over by the events of Avengers vs. X-men. It's not very exciting, but it does play up the melodrama a bit more when Wolverine finds the warden. Apparently, Cyclops had him scarred with a badass X on the face that probably won't get him laid outside a biker bar. He also gave him a letter to give to Wolverine, which essentially said, "Fuck being the better man. That's your job now you Avenger-loving, wife-stealing, hard-drinking, excessively hairy midget. Someone needs to keep mutants from being killed and it sure as hell ain't going to be use. PS: I still got to fuck Jean Grey and you didn't. Just thought I would remind you." Cyclops's words might have been a little nicer, but I think that nicely sums it up.

The implications of Cyclops escaping and reforming the Extinction Team are pretty fucking big. What's not so big...Hope Summers whining about her daddy issues when her daddy has clearly stated that off is the general direction in which he wanted her to fuck for the time being. Well after she takes a breather from running around like a drunk monkey with a boner, Cable eventually finds her. Not much is said. Hell, not much is even implied. He just tells her that it's his job to look out for her and not the other way around. She should stop being a little bitch and listen to the people that care about her. But we all know that she's not going to do that.

I'm really not sure what the point of Hope's little non-journey was in Consequences. Once again, she says she's going to do something, but changes her mind as soon as she remembers that she doesn't give a damn about the people who sacrifice for her messianic ass. She finally meets up with Cable, but what the fuck does that do other than show she's more desperate for attention than Honey Boo Boo? Avengers vs. X-men gave me and many others a nearly infinite number of reasons to despite this pissant little brat. And this mini just adds to them. While it's already been announced that Hope will be featured in the new Cable and X-Force series, this scene really doesn't do shit to indicate or even tease what her role will be. And that's probably for the better because the sooner Hope can be in the line of fire of people who want her dead, the better.

A much more important precedent is set by Cyclops and his reformed Extinction Team now. We already know from the overly spoiled previews of All New X-men that Cyclops will be on the loose and giving his old friends at the Jean Grey Institute plenty of headaches. This issue and the final scene nicely demonstrate why. Now that mutants are no longer in danger, someone has to be the asshole that fights back against the people that would want to kill them. Cyclops is ready to be that asshole with Magneto and Magik by his side. Magneto claims everything is different after the shit that went down in Avengers vs. X-men. But Cyclops says otherwise. He just asks "What has changed?" I'm pretty sure the implied response is jack shit.

It's not an unreasonable question to ask. Really, what has changed? Did the Avengers accomplish anything by throwing his ass in prison and admitting that they were assholes for not paying more attention to all the ways mutants were getting fucked? Avengers vs. X-men, while being a wondrous source of bullshit and bile, did accomplish one important change that may or may not qualify as a change. It undid the Scarlet Witch's M-Day spell so that mutants could re-populate the Earth like the Duggers in heat. But is that really a change or is that just putting shit back to the way it was? I'm too drunk to get philosophical so I won't try to rationalize it. I'll only say that this comic and this glorious little mini-series served as a nice kick in the balls for the Marvel universe. It essentially reminded them that humans still hate mutants and will jump at the chance to fuck with them, regardless of what the Avengers try to do to placate them. Cyclops knows this and rather than putting his asshole at risk and staying in jail, he decides to skip the whole suck-the-ACLU's-dick-for-a-decent-lawyer part of the justice system and parole himself. It's not just badass. Hell, this shit is necessary in a Marvel universe with a fresh influx of mutants and an abundance of humans ready to shit themselves!

It's this kind of setup that helps make Avengers vs. X-men Consequences even better than Avengers vs. X-men itself. It actually fucking tries to make sense of the fucked up circumstances you find in a comic book world where people have superpowers and people who don't have superpowers act immeasurably stupid in response. It may not sound like much, but Kieron Gillen seemed to put more effort into five issues than anyone of Marvel's big guns did when they wrote Avengers vs. X-men. While I won't say that Gillen effectively cleaned the shit stains left on the Marvel universe left by the event, I will say he left it clean enough to take future stains if necessary.

While the end of this mini was immensely satisfying for those who wanted to see how Cyclops was going to react to being screwed over on a cosmic scale in Avengers vs. X-men, it wasn't very satisfying to anyone else. Hell, this whole series could have been called "Shit that happened to Cyclops" and it would have fit perfectly. Aside from the bullshit and utterly inconsequential side-plot with Hope Summers, this series really didn't cover much of anything. It lightly touched on the rest of the Extinction Team, but just barely. Hell, some were only in a few pages before being forgotten faster than Mitt Romney's tax returns. So while the series set the stage nicely for Cyclops's team in All New X-men, it didn't do much else.

It's that narrow focus that is the biggest weakness for this book. It was supposed to be the aftermath for Avengers vs. X-men as a whole and not just Cyclops. The shit the Avengers have to deal with was ignored or forgotten. The shit with the Jean Grey Institute was barely mentioned. Hell, this series was the comic book equivalent to tunnel vision and you didn't even need to huff an obscenely unsafe volume of laughing gas. While the narrow story it focuses on is very nicely done, it leaves a fuckton of unresolved issues that don't give this issue or this series the sense of a good aftermath comic. But for succeeding in a very important way while hitting just the right level of melodrama without getting too Twilight-ish, I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5 a 3.5 out of 5. Cyclops is free. His asshole is intact. He's given the finger to Wolverine and is supremely pissed off at the human race for not giving a fuck when innocent mutants are killed. Be afraid, human bigots and registered Tea Party members! Be very afraid! Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 - Prisoners of Awesome

Being in prison is a lot like being being a protologist whose office is right across the street from a gay bar. You're bound to find some pretty odd shit for some pretty fucked up reasons. There's also a major difference between being tossed in a drunk tank at the county lock-up after you've been caught pissing on the sheriff's mailbox at three in the morning and being sentanced for taking part in nearly destroying the world. The only way that could possibly suck any more would be if you actually weren't entirely responsible for nearly destroying the world and the assholes who played a much bigger role don't even get a slap on the wrist or so much as a parking ticket. That's the state Cyclops is in right now with Avengers vs. X-men. He may be guilty of a few crimes from Avengers vs. X-men, but only to the point that brain-dead American TV viewers are guilty of creating Honey Boo Boo.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences is taking the usual aftermath formula of an event and giving it ADHD. By that I mean it's taking the story from the moment the shit hits the fan to the moment when you go diving into a nearby pool to wash the fecal matter out of your eyes. Avengers vs. X-men ended with the Avengers proving that Cyclops was right all along about the Phoenix Force, but screwing him over anyway because admitting they were assholes for poking it like a drunk waving his dick at a cobra just made them feel too awkward. Now Cyclops is in jail, guilty for crimes that include saving an entire species, undoing a reality fuck from a crazy bitch that never answered for her crimes, trying to creat a global utopia, and being driven crazy by friends and allies that kept bullying your ass. I'm pretty sure those crimes are shakey even in North Korea, but I'm no lawyer. I only know the ones that get me off a drug charge on a technicality. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has no such technicalities becuase Cyclops is in jail, the Avengers are trying to partner with the X-men, and a new mutant population is a long list of new problems that are bound to give every hero a migraine.

If that shit weren't bad enough, Captain America has been trying to round up the rest of the Extinction Team on which everyone is pinning the Phoenix debacle. To hell with blaming Tony Stark for blasting the Phoenix with his fancy needle-dick compensating gizmo that split it into five pieces in the first place. He's rich and he's well connected. He'll never spend a day in jail in the same way the head of Goldman Sachs will never spend a day in jail. But along the way, Captain America discovered that someone from the inside is helping the Extinction Team. He asked Wolverine for help in getting Cyclops to play ball with them, but he did what I would do and just drank a beer while telling him to go fuck himself. The story about Cyclops's prison life, the traitor, and beer is the crux of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences and it continues with plenty of reasons to drink.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 ended with Wolverine paying an impromptu visit to Cyclops in prison for reasons that aren't conjacle. Avengers vs. X-men Consquences #2 picks up with that encounter and pretty much sticks with it for the entire fucking issue. There's no flashbacks, no teleportation, and no exotic locations where dinosaurs roam free and alien bugs bite off your dick. It's takes place entirely in a prison. And unless it's the setting of a softcore cable porn series on Cinemax, it usually doesn't translate to an awesome story. But like picking up a hooker with an unusually large adams apple, I've been wrong before.

The conversation starts off fairly simple. There's the standard awkward silence you get, not unlike the silence between you and your parole officer when he catches you taking a shit in his bird bath at two in the morning. Then Wolverine goes off on this angry "fuck you" speech because Cyclops killed Xavier. In response, Cyclops calmly points out he was fucked up on Dark Phoenix just as Jean Grey was when she killed 5 billion aliens and he still wanted to fuck her. But that's not enough for Wolverine. He calls Cyclops out for just walking down this road in the first place, even though he couldn't have known it would end the way it did. I want to say that's just the beer talking, but I'm just going to assume it's Wolverine being a big douche.

Then Cyclops says it. He says the very thing that so many fans like myself have been thinking in their most sober moments after reading Avengers vs. X-men. He points out (after being imprisoned and locked in a room with a guy that tried to fuck his wife no less) that he was right. Everything he did during Avengers vs. X-men turned out to be spot on. He was right about Hope. He was right about the Phoenix. And he also points out to Wolverine that at one point he tried to kill her, which would have fucked everything and doomed the whole species if not more. So while there are plenty who still have a right to call Cyclops a douche-bag, Wolverine ain't one of them.

This scene may not have shit explode or result in a bloody brawl like Schism, but it does show something that Marvel hasn't shown much of lately. It shows they've actually read their own shit. They didn't gloss over certain details for once, namely that Cyclops was right about Hope and Wolverine was a complete asshole for trying to kill her. Those are details that Marvel has been glossing over lately more than Mitt Romney's tax returns. So for them to have Cyclops stand up on panel and say it to Wolverine's ugly ass face, that really helps make the whole Avengers vs. X-men timeline a bit less fucked up. It doesn't address everything, but at least it makes an effort. It's like a necrophiliac trying to salvage a corpse that's been burnt to a crisp. The effort entails a commitment, disturbing it may be.

But Cyclops isn't done pissing Wolverine off. He points out that him being right ensures his school will have more students and some of them may actually wear a T-shirt that says "Cyclops was right." Hell, there are people in the real world already wearing that shit! Not only that, he takes a page right out of his Schism playbook and drops a J-bomb. By that, I mean he references Jean Grey again. He tells Wolverine that since he's gone Dark Phoenix, he now understands her in a way he never will. Just as he'll understand Jean's pussy in a way he never will. That's enough to send Wolverine over the edge. He takes a page right out of a rerun from Oz (minus the prison rape) and tries to kill Cyclops on the spot. It's bad enough to be reminded that he was dead wrong. Being reminded that Cyclops now has even more of a connection with Jean Grey is just too much.

But Cyclops finds a way to fuck with Wolverine again. Wolverine figures out that Cyclops wants him to kill him. He flat out says that he would prefer Wolverine shank him than one of the prisoners who might not be so gentle with his asshole. It fucks with Wolverine in a way that all the whores in Bankok never could. Cyclops doesn't just do it to get under his skin though. He's still a tactician in addition to being an ass. He doubts anyone is going to let him live long enough to see a trial and even if he hires OJ Simpson's legal team, Captain America wouldn't stand to let him walk free. That would be like seeing a Nazi ass-rape Uncle Sam. Cyclops sacrificed pretty much everything to save the mutant race and the world. No one could blame him for wanting to check out, but Wolverine just has to be the bigger asshole and deny him.

But Wolverine doesn't just leave him along with what's left of his dignity. He points out that while Cyclops was right and he saved the mutant race, the shitty way it played out ensured that this new generation of mutants are going to have targets on their backs, heads, and assholes. When a mutant goes Dark Phoenix and tries to destroy the world, that shit makes a bad impression on an already petrified human population. It's like Mitt Romney doing a photo opp at a KKK meeting or George W. Bush pissing on the side of a mosque. People are going to be pissed and a little scared. Wolverine tries to get him to see this and asks him to help him bring in the Extinction Team. Cyclops doesn't give him anything, leaving Wolverine to finish his beer and leave before he can be pissed off by another Jean Grey reference.

At this point, the story is still entirely confined in the prison. We don't see any of the Avengers or Captain America. We don't even get any additional clues as to who the mole might be that's protecting the Extinction Team. Instead, we see Cyclops meeting up with one of his fellow inmates. He's not the inmate that tries to make newbies his bitch without a little chit chat either. Cyclops finds out that he was in prison during the whole Avengers vs. X-men shit storm and he was just one of the countless ordinary humans that suddenly became mutants. We even get a nice flashback that shows what happens when a prisoner is threatened by a guy twice his size with a shanking and an impromtu prostate exam and suddenly becomes a mutant. It's the closest this issue comes to throwing some flash and flare into the story, but it goes further than that.

To this point, the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men has been mostly focused on the heroes and how fucked up their world is after they started bitch-slapping each other. Not much attention has been paid to the millions of new mutants who are now free to show off their powers in a world where Wanda Maximoff's reality fuck has been undone. This issue focuses on just one case and he just happens to be a guy sharing a prison cell block with Cyclops. It's one of those little details I often gush about on this blog, but it certainly helps put some badly needed perspective on the post Avengers vs. X-men world that doesn't involve Captain America ignoring what a douche he is.

The guy makes small talk with Cyclops, hoping to ask about how real Emma Frost's breasts really were. He doesn't seem too bent out of shape about being a mutant either. It's probably the most exciting thing that's happened to him since his defense attorney showed up at his trial drunk and got stuck with more years behind bars. Unfortunately, not everyone is thrilled about sharing a prison cell with mutants. That guy that tried to shank the hapless new mutant earlier isn't too happy about his asshole still being intact. Cyclops notices that they guards have gone on a rather sudden break and now they're set to become prison bitches and/or martyrs. Cyclops makes it clear that he's hoping for and expecting to be a martyr. For the sake of his asshole, he better be right.

A comic book that takes place entirely in a prison and involves mostly conversation and a slight threat of a shanking (and prison rape) shouldn't be very satisfying. Hell, this is usually the kind of comic book that should come with a warning label telling readers that this shit is just filler and nothing explodes. But damn it, this issue was still awesome. It sounds impossible, like being a hooker inside Flavor Flav's house and not coming out with an STD. But it actually happened. This issue, despite being mostly a conversation between Cyclops and Wolverine, was awesome.

Now I know there are some fans out there with shitty weed dealers that will never be too thrilled by a story that just involves two characters talking. The dialog could be written by Shakespeare themselves and they'll still bitch about there not being enough explosions. There's a case to be made by those people. I wish I could forward them to my weed dealer, but I'd rather not threaten my stash. Moreover, the excessive talking does make this comic come off as tedious if not overly narrow. It didn't deal with any other X-men or the Avengers. But the focus is part of what made this comic compelling. It actually did what probably should have been done in Avengers vs. X-men and showed that Cyclops was not only right. The assholes like Wolverine that are condemning him are fucking hypocrites for some of the shit they pulled. Wolverine wasn't quite as bad as Tony Stark, but he did try to gut the mutant messiah that ended up saving them all. In that sense he came off as the guy who should be getting shanked at the end.

While I'm glad and extremely relieved that Marvel addressed these details, it still feels a bit late in the context of the story. Like this should be part of Avengers vs. X-men #12, but Marvel just ran out of ink. So while it felt a little misplaced, it still succeeded in getting the necessary point across. It also added a nice addition at the end with the prisoner that became a mutant. It doesn't just give Cyclops a cell-mate who isn't inclined to sodomize him. It focuses on just one of the millions of new mutants who are now part of the Marvel universe. That gets right to the heart of the whole consequences concept and sets the stage for a struggle that hopefully doesn't involve too much sodomy.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has to do a lot in order to escape the shit stains left by Avengers vs. X-men. The last issue didn't exactly go the full distance, but it helped give the Marvel universe a nudge in the right direction. This book gave it a violent shove that it desperately needed. Avengers vs. X-men still sucks, but this issue shows that the shit it bore shall fertilize a lush new garden of Marvel awesome. For that, I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 a 4 out of 5. Clap your hands, stomp your feet, and clench your asshole! This comic took a trip to prison and made it awesome. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 - Inconsequential Awesome

Your bullshit has consequences. That's not me talking. I'm quoting a Baltimore County judge with whom I'm on a first name basis unfortunately. I know better than most that when you do stupid shit like piss on the windshield of a cop car at four in the morning, you're going to get in trouble. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Not remembering how you woke up face down in a puddle of piss doesn't work either. You're ass is still going to be in trouble and if you're really unlucky, it's going to be the new semen repository for your cell mate.

The big difference between my drunken antics and what Cyclops did in Avengers vs. X-men is that I chose to get drunk and to accept those odd purple pills from the guy at the liquor store with a neck tattoo. Cyclops didn't choose to wield the Phoenix Force, nor did he choose to go Dark Phoenix after the entire fucking Marvel Universe ganged up on on him. That would be like someone sneaking up on me, injecting me with booze and PCP, pissing me off by insulting my mother and the size of my dick, and then letting me loose in a bar fight. Yet Cyclops has a shitty lawyer in the sense that he still ended up in jail, despite being completely right about the Phoenix saving the mutant race and being driven insane by the Avengers's bullshit. Now both his friends and his enemies hate his guts despite him being completely right on pretty much all counts. I'm not sure if that's a win, but I think that means he's not in a position to be anyone's bitch in prison.

But the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men go far beyond Cyclops. In wake of the bullshit ending that I had so much fun shitting all over, the entire Marvel universe has been affected and now it's being reshaped to make way for Marvel NOW! But as bad as Avengers vs. X-men was, it wasn't so bad that it made the Marvel universe unreadable. Hell, only one guy died and it was a character that had been MIA since he was shot in the fucking head a mere five years ago. Some characters got more screwed than others, but that's not the point. The point is the shit storm has passed and Marvel has a chance to reshape their universe for the better. And it all begins with Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1, courtesy of Kieron Gillen. His work on Uncanny X-men #19 showed that he was one writer who didn't have his head up his ass for much of Avengers vs. X-men. So he would be in the best position to tell the story about the aftermath.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 begins by reminding readers of some of the good that Avengers vs. X-men accomplished. Hell, one of the only notable gems things that came out of this shit mine was that it finally ended the pathetically contrived Storm/Black Panther marriage. This was one relationship that even Jerry Springer would call trashy out of the sheer circumstance surrounding it (or lack thereof). We find out that Black Panther still has some bitter feelings about their annulment because when the X-men fly to Wakanda to offer help, he shoots at them. That's only slightly less hostile than shoving divorce papers in Storm's face, but it still brings a non-alcohol induced smile to my face to see that this relationship is fucking over.

From bullshit relationships to bullshit imprisonment, Kieron Gillen also takes some time to explore how the Marvel universe is screwing over Cyclops. It's not enough they've killed his wife twice. They have to make him a criminal for doing shit that Wanda Maximoff did less than a decade ago, yet she remains free. But I've already ranted about that. This scene doesn't dwell on the bullshit reasons why Cyclops is in jail. It essentially describes the kind of prison life's in for. See, the Avengers just haven't been big enough assholes to date so they don't want to put him in a prison with other villains that have nearly destroyed the world and aren't named Wanda Maximoff. They instead put him in a new private prison, complete with advanced mutant shock collar technology and a guy who looks disturbingly similar to a George W. Bush. It's about as fucked up as it sounds and then some.

But aside from screwing Cyclops over in ways that don't yet involve prison rape, Gillen uses this to explore another important aspect of the post-Avengers vs. X-men world. With so many new mutants emerging, the world has to re-learn how to deal with them. It was all so much easier when there was less than 200 of them and they were just hanging out on an island. Now they have to worry about imprisoning them again and what better way to test their tyrannical ingenuity than testing it on the guy who nearly destroyed the world after making it into a utopia? It's bullshit, but it's pragmatic bullshit and shows that Gillen is actually putting some thought into this issue. If only Avengers vs. X-men had been that logical.

And since Avengers vs. X-men gave readers even more reasons to want to see Hope Summers horribly tortured in ways that only Todd Akin would approve of, an aftermath book wouldn't be complete without reinforcing that hatred. Now that Hope has fulfilled her destiny and helped re-power the mutant race (exactly as Cyclops predicted no less), what's left for her? What the fuck does she do? Captain America and the Scarlet Witch (who Hope punched in the nose no less), come to her to ask that very question. She basically says she wants to live a normal life. That's right. This bratty little cunt who ditched the X-men after they did everything to save her ass and didn't bat an eye when one of them was thrown in jail just wants to say "Fuck it, I'm done with this." It would be like Jesus saying, "Fuck this, I'm going to a Roman orgy." Again, you want another reason to hate Hope Summers? Well there you go. Now excuse me while I fantasize about taking a shit on her grave.

Not only that, we find out that Cable was MIA from Avengers vs. X-men because he just fucking left. After X-Sanction, he did absolutely nothing to affect Avengers vs. X-men despite having insight into the future. He left Hope a note, but all it said was "Don't come looking for me you little brat. I've had enough of your shit." Okay, so maybe it was nicer than that, but it would be completely understandable. While this feels like a complete omission, it's worth pointing out that Marvel already announced that Cable would be part of a new X-Force book and that his activity or lack thereof during Avengers vs. X-men would be explained in that book. So while it may have been glossed over here, Marvel hasn't swept that shit under the rug and called it burnt bacon.

Another issue aside from Hope being an even bigger bitch is the rest of the Extinction Team. At the end of Avengers vs. X-men, only Cyclops and Emma Frost were taken into custody. The rest of the team including Colossus, Magik, Danger, Magneto, and Namor are still unaccounted for. So the Avengers have been taking breaks from being complete assholes in the face of victory to try to hunt them down. Whether by karma or incompetence, they've failed every step of the way. There's a nice scene with Iron Man and Captain America attacking what they think is Magneto's location. But it turns out it's just another dead end. You have to assume that somewhere Magneto is watching and waving his dick at them while laughing his ass off.

Because of this inability to find the Extinction Team and the prospect of having to deal with a new mutant population, Captain America tries to get some more help out of Wolverine, who is still an embittered drunk. This is another instance where Gillen ties this book with Uncanny Avengers very nicely. It takes place after the funeral scene that was so poorly depicted, but the funeral is secondary to this scene. The main issue is Captain America trying to convince Wolverine to help the Avengers hunt down the Extinction Team. That, unfortunately, means him trying to convince Cyclops to help them. Because for some reason, Captain America thinks Cyclops can be convinced to turn on his teammates after the Avengers have treated him like shit and thrown him into a private prison whose warden has probably sucked half the dicks in Congress. He might as well try to convince Wolverine to go vegan because he says no and isn't polite about it, which helps make up for him being such a massive douche as of late...somewhat.

But there's another little twist to Captain America's visit. While discussing with Wolverine the difficulty he's been having in tracking down the Extinction Team, he mentions that he suspects someone on their side is helping them avoid capture. He just refuses to believe that the same team that shot the Phoenix with a giant gun and split it into five pieces is too incompetent to track down a bunch of wayward heroes/villains. Go figure. But Captain America points out that the longer the Extinction Team remains free, the more people are going to shit their pants over this new surge of mutants. He's not wrong even if he is an asshole, but it does open the door to another plot twist. Who could the traitor be? Who would still help Cyclops's team at this point when the Avengers have labeled him the worst human being since Hitler sodomized Doom? There isn't a hint as to who it could be, but it definitely opens the door to some intriguing stories.

The intrigue must have gotten to Wolverine because despite telling Captain America to fuck off when he asked him to talk to Cyclops, Wolverine goes behind his back and pays Cyclops a visit in jail. It's not a very jaw-dropping moment. But at least Wolverine brought beer with him so that earns him points in my book. Perhaps he's also interested in who the traitor is that's helping the Extinction Team or for all we know he is the traitor because he's finally realized what a douche he's been. But that shit would just be too awesome for Marvel to come up with. Wolverine is already pissed off at Cyclops for being able to put his penis inside Jean Grey for so long. This visit can only be another way for him to give Cyclops the finger before his cell mate does worse.

In terms of consequences, this issue wasn't so much a lesson as it was an insight into what consequences one could expect if the world were run by Donald Trump. By that I mean ex-spouses hate each others' guts and the people with power and influence determine who the true victim is. This issue expanded somewhat on what Uncanny Avengers did in that it showed how shitty Cyclops's situation has become. He went from sharing a bed with Emma Frost to sharing a jail cell and keeping his asshole clenched at all times. It also shows just how big an asshole Captain America and the Avengers are when it comes to victory. They'll give their enemies a fancy cell that doesn't involve shock collars, but when one of their hero buddies goes crazy with power and isn't named Wanda Maximoff they get sent to a private prison where shit like torture and sodomy aren't frowned upon. It makes for a lousy message and it does hurt the comic in many ways because like Uncanny Avengers it essentially ignores circumstances and double standards in the same way creationists ignore fossils.

That's not to say there weren't some good moments. One thing that this comic did that Uncanny Avengers didn't was give a sense of progression from the end of Avengers vs. X-men to the aftermath. Kieron Gillen addresses lingering issues from the event like the whereabouts of the Extinction Team, how the world is going to handle a massive influx of new mutants, and the new partnership between the X-men and the Avengers. Even though Avengers vs. X-men sucked and plenty of details were still ignored, you at least get a sense from this issue that Marvel is trying to address them as best they can. But since Avengers vs. X-men was supposed to be their best as well, that's probably not saying much.

Overall, Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 does partially succeed in exploring the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men. It only fails in glossing over certain plots like Cable and providing yet another reason for readers to wish Hope dies a horrible, horrible death. Everything else from the dialog to the art to the general pacing of the story is solid. It's not Kieron Gillen's best, but it is more readable and more enjoyable than Uncanny Avengers. That's still not saying much so I give this issue a 3.5 out of 5. If you're going to teach your kids about consequences, this is not the kind of issue to use as a guide. But if you're going to teach them how to follow-up a shitty story and why men like Donald Trump should never be in charge, this will do the job. Nuff said!

Fan Expo: ANOTHER All New X-men Cover Mystery

It goes without saying that Marvel loves to tease the shit out of their fans when a new series comes along that they know will make a fuckton of money and inspire a fuckton of variants. It also goes without saying that the motivation for this teasing isn't entirely predicated on just watching fans react and laughing their asses off behind the scenes while they plan to snort imported caviar off the ass of a teenage stripper. Keyword entirely. I've cited numerous instances on this blog where a cover turned out to be a complete ruse. Remember this shit?

May we pause for a moment while Jean Grey fans relive this terrible memory?

But sometimes a cover sparks an outcry without being a ruse if you can believe that. Sometimes the cover partly spoils the end of a big event. Other times it creates another mystery that has fans scratching their heads with intrigue and frustration. When that scratching starts chipping away at the skull, then Marvel knows they're onto something.

That brings me to All New X-men #1. I've already made two blog posts on this cover since Marvel started leaking them. One was just to admire the sight of Jean Grey and the Original Five gracing the cover of an actual 616 book again. The other added a new wrinkle to the teasing in the same way that a prostate massage adds a new wrinkle to a happy ending at a massage parlor. I won't review all the twisted conspiracy theories that the Rachel Grey look-a-like on that cover has incurred, mostly because I don't want to overshadow the 9/11 truthers or the birthers. But I will gladly spark a new round of conspiracy theories just because I think the sober world is too damn boring and needs something to mix some shit into the pot of awesome.

At this past week's Fan Expo, there was more teasing than Tijuana topless bar. Most of it was pretty standard, but then Marvel saw fit to reveal yet another All New X-men cover. This one may or may not have spoiled the outcome of AvX and sparked yet another conspiracy theory.

Suck it, Loose Change!

Let's start with the obvious. If this cover isn't bullshit, it basically reveals that all those teases about Cyclops and Emma fighting in AvX were bullshit yet again. Since they're standing to close and on the same team, they clearly haven't broken up or anything. So all that fighting in AvX is probably going to amount to jack shit yet again. I've ranted about it so many times before. Cyclops and Emma have become the same sacred cow that Marvel often criticized when Cyclops was with Jean Grey. They won't do dick about jack about squat with this relationship. They're not romantic. They're not affectionate. They're just a few witty remarks and bed scenes. Again, how is that any different than a fucking Two and a Half Men rerun? If these two are supposed to be the X-men's most passionate couple, why do they have the depth of a fucking porno while Northstar and Kyle get more emotional in one fucking issue before getting married? I seriously don't know what the fuck Marvel is doing with these two anymore. Are they just together because they want to see two attractive people fuck? Maybe they haven't heard, but there's this thing called the internet and most comic readers are smart enough to download a billion pictures of attractive people fucking onto their smart phones.

Since Namor isn't even in the picture, that pretty much reveals that he's not going to be in the X-books anymore and therefore he won't be causing any tension between Cyclops and Emma anymore. Hell, he was the only source of tension between these two and even that wasn't much to begin with. Now with a young Jean Grey coming back, there seems to be absolutely no room for drama. If Cyclops is still just bedding Emma, there's really not much room for Cyclops to do much other than say "Fuck, there's the teenage girl I used to bone. Oh well. I've got someone else now."

But I digress. My outrage with the Cyclops/Emma relationship is probably better explored once Marvel once again does jack shit with it in AvX. The other part of the promo that will probably get many a panties into many a nots is that odd looking guy next to Emma. Unlike the Rachel Grey look-a-like, there's not much of a hint as to who he is. He doesn't have red hair and green eyes so that really narrows it down. But for some reason, he's in the background and not a single clue has been given. That means human nature must by default create some wild conspiracy theory to fill the void because waiting for the explanation is for pussies.

I have my theory. I believe that character is a young Bishop. He's been MIA since before Second Coming. Marvel could have killed him beforehand, but they didn't. Instead, they left him in the future. And since Cable came back in X-Sanction, Bishop has no excuse. We already know that All New X-men will involve time travel and that is sort of Bishop's thing. So why not? Or maybe a better question is if that is him, why the hell does he look like he should be working as a cashier at Wal Mart? Whatever the case, it's clearly linked because this cover links up with the others.

They ALL look so pissed.

I'm sure Marvel will tease the shit out of this moving forward. Just as I'm sure I'll have plenty more to rant about regarding Marvel's shitty handling of the Cyclops/Emma relationship. But so long as they keep fucking with fans and I have a steady supply of booze, that means I'll have plenty to write about on this blog! Nuff said.

X-men Legacy #272 - Too Much Talking and Not Enough Awesome

When it comes to a comic book that has fucked itself like a triple-jointed nymphomaniac acrobat, I'm usually pretty forgiving. I'm no fucking Gandhi, but I am a reasonable drunk if nothing else. I'm always willing to offer a second chance, whether it's with a comic or with someone who is sincerely sorry they smoked all my weed and took a shit on my couch. Now I've yet to see a comic book ever outright apologize for shitty issues. Marvel has never shown even the slightest remorse for shit like the Clone Saga or Chuck Austin's Uncanny X-men run. DC isn't much better, who still haven't apologized for that shitty Superboy Prime continuity punch. But I'm of the opinion that the best way for a comic to make up for shitty issues is to make the next issue extra awesome.

This extra awesome is vital for a series like X-men Legacy and not just because it's one of the many titles relaunching under the Marvel NOW! initiative. Anyone who read my review of X-men Legacy #271 should still have their assholes clenched at the thought of how fucked this title has become. At the onset of the Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins, X-men Legacy was the early gold standard. Now it's standards are lower than the producers of the Jersey Shore. It's one thing to just tell a shitty story. It's quite another to take an awesome character like Rogue and essentially cast her out from the shit storm that is AvX into some crazy world where a bunch of cat-people offer to bone her (both literally and figuratively). It was quite possibly the most forgettable tie-in in the history of tie-ins. I mean how the fuck do you go from fighting cosmic forces to fending off cat people that want to bone you? There isn't a magic mushroom in the world magical enough to conjure that shit.

But I am more than willing to give X-men Legacy #272 a shot. X-men Legacy has had it's ups and downs before, but it has a history of fighting it's way back, kicking my ass, and doing it in a way that gives me a serious boner (amongst other things). Now I'm not expecting an apology from Marvel or pictures of the asshole that lost the bar fight that led to this issue (although they would be much appreciated). But I would at least expect a story that is somewhat more memorable and somehow relevant in way that can't be forgotten with a single bong hit. That may be asking a lot. Then again, this is X-men Legacy. It does have a legacy to hold up and not just in name alone.

X-men Legacy #272 picks up after the overly predictable ending in the previous issue. Actually, it picks up AFTER that overly predictable ending hinted at some action. In the phantom pages between the end of X-men Legacy #271 and the first pages of X-men Legacy #272, Rogue is subdued by the cat people's arch enemies, the Swarm. We don't get to see the struggle. We don't get to see much of anything aside from the the king of the cat people thinking this pretty girl who they offered their finest studs wasn't as good as her rack made her out to be. The only action we get is when we catch up with Rogue while she's being marched away with the Swarm while they try to influence her with their hive mind. She tries to break free, but fails without much of a battle. It's as exciting as it sounds.

If you thought it couldn't get more predictable, then clearly you have awesome weed because the first thing the Swarm does is take Rogue to their queen and the source of the hive mind. That's like giving North Korean gangsters your passport and credit card info. Shit is not going to turn out well. The queen tries force her into the Swarm's hive mind (again). And (again) she fails miserably and Rogue fights her way out. Since she doesn't have her Miss Marvel powers, there's nothing really spectacular about it. It's just a hot girl running from a pack of monsters. You can pretty much get the same shit from EVERY slasher movie ever made.

Since she's not armed with the same power as before, the Swarm subdues her (yet again). At this point, no amount of weed is enough to make you overlook the growing trend here. The queen tries (yet again) to bring Rogue into their collective hive mind. But instead of another epic struggle, we get something that different that actually ends up being more boring if you can believe that.

The queen takes Rogue into a psychic journey of sorts that's about as exciting as a staring contest between a couple of dead fish. She explains with some very shitty visuals the joys of being part of a hive mind. It's pretty much everything you hear from North Korean propaganda. Everybody is on the same team. There are no secrets. Everybody has a common goal. Nobody is better than everybody else except for some great leader who probably jerks off behind the scenes while everyone else suffers. It's not quite as vile as Nazi collectivism and to the credit of the queen, she tries to paint it as a good thing. But it's all just needlessly wordy and any reader that isn't part of a Mormon cult won't take it seriously.

Rogue responds with an equally wordy, equally predictable rebuttal. It basically amounts to "being a mindless drone sucks" and "thinking for yourself is awesome." It all sounds so nice, like something you would see in a Mitt Romney add, minus the subtle racism. But again, it's so painfully predictable and bland that you really don't even have to read it. You can just assume Rogue reads from a script of every evil empire vs. freedom loving hero story ever made and it's pretty much the same thing. Rogue doesn't say anything that stands out aside from the queen, the great leader of the hive mind, keeping secrets. They're probably not as bad as Kim Jong Ill's porno collection, but to make the queen ditch the whole "free will is overrated debate." It's probably for the best.

The queen orders the Swarm to attack Rogue and the one other Swarm that tried to corrupt her earlier, who may have overheard the queen's dirty little secret. So he/she or whatever the fuck qualifies as a gender for these things is like the guy who walked in on Sadam Hussein while he was masturbating to pictures of Hillary Clinton. He might as well not exist. The attack isn't all that spectacular. Instead of fighting back this time, Rogue just decides to play dead and allows herself and the unfortunate Swarm to fall into a canyon. Of course they survive because this comic just wasn't predictable enough I guess. If you're still awake at this point, consider yourself lucky.

After the rest of the Swarm are confident they're dead, Rogue and the now excommunicated Swarm break out. Rogue is even nice enough to completely cut his link from the hive mind. This is probably as traumatic as cutting off a teenage girl from her Facebook account. This helps reveal a secret that really shouldn't be very startling. This whole war between the cat people and the Swarm is nothing more than a theater between a couple of power-hungry monarchs. It would be a great twist if there was at least some indication that there was a mystery behind it. That shit was never even hinted at so when you find out, it has about as much impact as another sex scandal involving a gay-bashing politician and male prostitute.

So all we really find out in this debate between individualism and collectivism is that authority figures are dicks and war is just one big joke. It's almost as if Rogue was nothing more than a prop in that joke. This doesn't really feel like her journey anymore. It's a sci-fi cookie cutter story that offers nothing new or compelling. Rogue now has to stop a war between two alien races and it has absolutely nothing to do with the events of Avengers vs. X-men. If this issue was meant to rescue the series from obscurity and make up for the previous issue, it failed miserably.

When I finished reading the last issue, my first response was to bang my head against the wall and swallow copious amounts of sleeping pills. My reaction to this issue was similar, but I didn't need the sleeping pills. This issue was dull and boring enough to be a fucking Ambien commercial. Rogue was yanked out of Avengers vs. X-men and thrust into the middle of an alien war. Yet this issue made it look as though she was in the middle of a republican primary debate. It was mostly talk, a philosophical debate on the merits of collectivism vs. individualism. Of freedom vs. order. Now I'm all for philosophical debates after ingesting a certain amount of LSD, but shit like this has no place in a fucking comic book arc about an alien war. It's not like a new twist was put on this argument either. Being in a collective is boring. Being individualistic is chaotic. The connections between this and Avengers vs. X-men were more loose than the shit in an Indian public restroom. That makes this issue all the more forgettable and only half as nauseating.

At least with the previous issue, we had some funny and memorable moments. I still laugh when I recall the look on Rogue's face when she was offered to bone some of the finest studs the cat people have to offer. But this issue had no boning, no hints at boning, and embarrassing moments for Rogue. It was just her talking and getting the two opposing sides to talk. That's about as exciting as it sounds. There's not a single memorable moment or a memorable piece of dialog. You could probably take the speech of any Republican politician, minus the racist, anti-gay, and anti-woman innuendo, and paste it into Rogue's dialog here on the merits of individual free will and there won't be much difference. You would think Rogue would at least show some of her trademark sass in the face of an alien war, but we get none of that shit here.

Now I'm not giving up on X-men Legacy. I still love this series, but I'm ready for this fucking arc to be over. This issue and the previous issue were boring, forgettable, and dull. The only good thing I can say about them is that they haven't butchered any characters or done any major damage to the rest of X-men Legacy or the X-books as a whole. In that sense, it's nowhere nearly as fucked up as every Ultimate title at the moment. It's just completely useless and not worth picking up. And with no cat people dongs to save it, I can only give X-men Legacy #272 a 1.5 out of 5. It's boring. It's dull. There's really no reason for this issue or this arc to exist other than trying to subtly influence comic fans into voting Republican. In that sense, comics like this aren't just bad. They're a Republican conspiracy. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #17 - Containing Cosmic Awesome

How do you contain a power that's far greater than your own? And I'm not talking about the kind of power an overprotective father has for his hot, sexually repressed daughter with a loaded shotgun wields. That kind of shit can be dealt with easily by just buying the guy a beer, stealing the firing pin of his guns, and making sure his daughter isn't too rough when she breaks out the handcuffs (I did say she was repressed). Shit like cosmic entities that torches planets and corrupts pretty redheads for fun are a bit tougher to handle. The events of Avengers vs. X-men have shown that in graphic detail. In fact, the entire premise of Act 3 is based on the notion that the Phoenix Force is like that devious nerd we all knew back in high school who liked to Photoshop naked pictures of people and spread them throughout the school, ruining relationships, reputations, and in some cases incurring the wrath of republican politicians. We can all assume that nerd is still laughing his ass off somewhere. We don't quite know what the Phoenix Force is doing behind the scenes, but we can be pretty sure it's getting quite a cosmic boner from the shit storm it's causing.

But if ever there was a time in Avengers vs. X-men where the Phoenix actually had a reason to feel threatened, it would definitely be at the hands of Sinister. This is a guy crazy enough to make himself a fucking species and smart enough to hot-wire a Celestial and use it to make his own subterranean tribute to Victorian era London. There's probably a lot of awesome shit you could do with a Celestial, but like I said Sinister is crazy. Making an army of hot robot chicks in the mold of Carmen Electra and Scarlett Johanssen just doesn't appeal to him. Furthermore, we learned in the previous two issues of Uncanny X-men that he had been using this Celestial tech for far more pragmatic purposes. He was using it to prepare for an eventual attack by the Phoenix. And as the events of Uncanny X-men #16 showed, he prepared pretty fucking well.

Now this little side-quest for the Phoenix Five took place early on in Act 2 before Namor couldn't hold his wad anymore and gave Wakanda a cosmic money shot. For reasons that weren't explained and I can only assume involved an artist, distributor, or editor getting drunk and losing a bar fight, this arc was delayed. Despite Avengers vs. X-men entering Act 3 with only two remaining Phoenix wielders, this story takes place when the Phoenix Five are still the Phoenix Five. I bring this up because it has an unfortunate side-effect on the story that I'll explain a bit later. But first, I need to take a few shots of tequila and detail what has gone down with Sinister and his twisted troops in this late yet welcome installment.

Uncanny X-men #17 begins with Sinister enjoying a full fledged victory boner. In the last issue, he actually managed to subdue the Phoenix Five with a potent mix of Celestial tech, clone armies, and balls almost as big as Donald Trump's ego. The Phoenix Five are understandably annoyed, but even a menacing cosmic force isn't enough to stop Sinister from gloating. Like the pimp referenced in every Ice-T song, he celebrates how awesome he is with a fine glass of whine and a symphony. If that's all he wanted to do, I think there are easier ways to go about it. I'm pretty sure certain mixes of drugs can help, but I guess Sinister thinks this is less boring.

In addition to flexing his Sinister balls, he reveals that Extinction Team including Storm, Psylocke, and Magneto followed them into his tribute twisted Victorian domain. In the previous issue, they reasoned that even a cosmic force would have difficulty in dealing with Sinister. It's not an unreasonable assertion. This is a guy who if you sent him to hell, he might end up date raping Satan himself if it meant screwing with the X-men. They followed the Phoenix Five down into Sinister's lair (against Cyclops's orders mind you) and arrive to find some of Sinister's various clone armies hungry to kill them. Unfortunately, Sinister's standards for clones are lower than that for a supporting role in a movie starring Tom Arnold. He cloned Sabretooth, whose mind is easily fucked with by hot Asian psychics like Psylocke.

Once Sinister's pets are effectively chasing their tales and/or humping the nearest couch, they're left to confront the same forces that Sinister used to take down the Phoenix Five. They seem to understand fully how stupid that is, but they do come up with a plan. Or at least Unit does, who has been hijacking Danger for a number of issues now. But don't tell Congressman Akin. He'll probably argue it's not a "legitimate hijacking." But even if Unit is a douche, he's reasonable enough to conclude that allowing Sinister to wield the Phoenix Force is like giving crystal meth to a pack of angry wolves. So using Danger, they formulate a plan to infiltrate Sinister's lair and disrupt his clone army. To do this Danger does a little robot/hot chick action and turns into a kick ass ninja suit for Psylocke. I'm not sure if this counts as lesbian porn, but if it does I want to see more.

It sounds like a good plan, at least for Psylocke and Danger. Unfortunately for Storm and Magneto, they're stuck providing the distraction. That's like being the first doctor that rejects a prescription for Charlie Sheen. You're going to be a big target and you're going to be overwhelmed in ways that'll make your ass hurt. Storm and Magneto do fine against Sinister's army of Vitorian style minions, but then Sinister throws a very volatile redhead NOT named Jean Grey OR Hope Summers. Remember those Madelyne Pryor clones? Well it turns out (without too much of an explanation mind you), that they were the ones that subdued the Phoenix Five and now they're using their cosmic flames to carry out Sinister's whims. And since Sinister is parading around like the top pimp, that means the Pryor clones are the hos which means Storm nor Magneto last about as long as a line of cocaine at Lindsey Lohan's house.

The Pryor clones easily subdue them both while removing Magneto's helmet in the process, allowing them to psychically control him. Now using him as a meat puppet, they hunt down Psylocke. This seems a bit redundant. They're tapping the power of the fucking Phoenix Force for crying out loud. Wouldn't it be easier to just subdue her by telekinetically tightening her thong until it splits her in half? But since Sinister is controlling them, you can't rely on that kind of logic. But once again, Psylocke reminds Sinister and the entire comic world that she's not just a hot Asian chick. She's a fucking ninja and she evades the onslaught while taking out Magneto. We get it, Psylocke. You're a ninja. Now can you let my balls go so I can finish jerking off?

Unfortunately, the plan to attack Sinister's control over his clones falls apart. Danger, who is still hijacked by Unit, finds out that Sinister's tech is every bit as awesome as he claims. Unlike Donald Trump, the shit he builds is actually as awesome as he thinks it is. He orders that the X-men run away because they have no such hope against ego like that. It gives Sinister even more reason to gloat, which at this point is becoming so overblown that he could inflate all the tits in Las Vegas. But in that gloating, he leaves himself vulnerable because let's face it. There's only so much you an focus on when you're effectively proving to the world that you've got the biggest dick in the universe.

Utilizing that snide attitude that makes scrotums shrivel and cosmic forces take notice, Emma Frost uses her telepathy to reach out to the Phoenix Force. She basically points out that being used by Sinister is only slightly more humiliating than having that video of yourself humping a statue of Ronald McDonald uploaded to youtube. Even a cosmic force seems to understand that shit and finally gets off its ass to do something.

At last, Sinister has to stop gloating and start shitting himself. The Phoenix Force starts breaking free of Sinister's control, causing the Pryor clones to mess up in ways that probably makes Emma's panties wet. Sinister does his best to try and fix it. Finally, he fails miserably. Maybe if he wasn't so busy gloating and sipping wine he would have figured out that Emma Frost's influence on the Phoenix would catch up with him. At last, he actually looks like he's not the ultimate pimp and starts looking like a kid watching his older brother flush his stash of Playboys down the toilet.

This is all very satisfying, but it does leave one detail out. What the fuck was Sinister trying to do with the Phoenix anyways? Did he think he could control it forever? I get the guy has an ego, but he can't be that fucking stupid. If he did have a plan, it's never hinted at or explored. He just wanted to have a cosmic force swinging from his nuts for a while and that was it.

The Phoenix reminds him in a very painfully spectacular manner that they don't appreciate being ornaments for his balls. Once they break free from his control, they remind them that the Phoenix Force is capable of taking and entire planet and wiping it's ass with it. It doesn't really care for shit that it thinks doesn't work or is in it's way. And unfortunately for Sinister, he happens to be both. So in a glorious attack of cosmic flame, they burn Sinister to a crisp like a deep fried turkey. At last, that gloating grin has been wiped off his face and all it took was a little cosmic mojo.

The Phoenix Five and the Extinction Team return to the surface. Cyclops claims Sinister is dead, but for a guy that turned himself entire an entire fucking species that's about as likely as Rick Santorum becoming a Muslim. Even if he isn't dead, he's no longer in a position to fuck with them. That means the Phoenix Five can go back to fucking with the Avengers. Damn, I miss Sinister already. Excuse me while I take another shot of tequila.

Every time there's a story where a big name villain is apparently defeated, most fans yawn. Like whenever Jean Grey dies, you know it's only a matter of time before they're brought back or replaced by shitty replacement characters. Fans know that comic companies aren't in the business of throwing away awesome characters. Sinister may be creepier than Michael Jackson's parenting skills, but there's no denying his awesome or his legacy. He's the kind of guy who will watch a bunch of Phoenix-wielding superheroes attack him while sipping a glass of imported Pinot Noir. He showed that special level of classy evil in this arc, so his defeat really didn't feel that final. That's why his defeat in this comic felt so satisfying.

What made this arc and the plot with Sinister so intriguing was that he was able to give the Phoenix Five a serious challenge that didn't involve a mindless superhero mash-up. There were no Avengers or innocent bystanders in this battle. It was all Sinister, showing how he could organize himself into an entire fucking species and coordinate that species to at least temporarily control the Phoenix Force. But he wasn't the only one who shined. Psylocke showed on two different occasions that there may be something to the stereotype of hot Asian women in tight outfits being ninjas. Both she and Danger were able to kick ass in that special way that'll make you smile and give you a boner. It helped make the story feel like it was about the Extinction Team and not just the Phoenix Five. Given how the seeds of this story were sewn way back in the first arc, it comes together beautifully here and is capped off in spectacular cosmic fashion.

The only lingering flaw in this arc is the extent of Sinister's plan. I get that Sinister is more mentally unstable than Tom Cruise at a psychiatry convention. But the overall plot was left feeling somewhat incomplete even after Sinister was defeated. We still don't know what the hell he was trying to do with controlling the Phoenix Force. Was he just doing it for shits and giggles? Or was he just sick of paying his electric bill and wanted to use the Phoenix Force as a free source of lighting? Either way is equally likely because his intentions really weren't clear. It just comes off as a basic, "I'm an evil asshole and I want to control the forces of a god so the world can suck my big, holy cock" type story. That's okay in some instances, but given Kieron Gillen's level of skill it's somewhat of a disappointment.

Never-the-less, Uncanny X-men #17 was a fun, entertaining conclusion to an arc that took a break from all this bullshit superhero ball busting. It continued Kieron Gillen's legacy of telling compelling, cohesive X-men stories. While I'm excited about Brian Bendis's role on All New X-men, books like this make me sad and in need of another shot of heroin because they remind me he's leaving. I give Uncanny X-men #17 a 4 out of 5. So once again, Sinister is defeated. But like herpes, he always finds a way to come back. Nuff said!