Deadpool Game Review - A Game For Disturbed Minds By Disturbed Minds

I know I should have posted this sooner. I actually planned on doing a full drunken review of the Deadpool game, but I haven't had a chance to play it. It's not my fault. Blame the Marvel Heroes game for being more addictive than crack (my handle is SupremeXM if anyone is interested in teaming up for a group challenge). But there have been a number of reviews for the Deadpool game to date. And I think I wouldn't be a responsible drunk if I didn't share them with the wonderful people who read my blog. So here's the full review done by IGN, who I assume does their reviews sober. Pussies.

And just for good measure. Here's one from another source, Gamespot. They also do their reviews sober. Also pussies.

In all, they bitch about the controls. But who doesn't bitch about controls these days? With Deadpool, it's all about being a part of his demented world. That's what's really the big selling point with this game. Well, that and the boobs rendered for Rogue, Psylocke, and Domino. And I don't get to say this much about games these days, but that shit is worth 60 bucks or at least the cost of a rental. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #17 - Containing Cosmic Awesome

How do you contain a power that's far greater than your own? And I'm not talking about the kind of power an overprotective father has for his hot, sexually repressed daughter with a loaded shotgun wields. That kind of shit can be dealt with easily by just buying the guy a beer, stealing the firing pin of his guns, and making sure his daughter isn't too rough when she breaks out the handcuffs (I did say she was repressed). Shit like cosmic entities that torches planets and corrupts pretty redheads for fun are a bit tougher to handle. The events of Avengers vs. X-men have shown that in graphic detail. In fact, the entire premise of Act 3 is based on the notion that the Phoenix Force is like that devious nerd we all knew back in high school who liked to Photoshop naked pictures of people and spread them throughout the school, ruining relationships, reputations, and in some cases incurring the wrath of republican politicians. We can all assume that nerd is still laughing his ass off somewhere. We don't quite know what the Phoenix Force is doing behind the scenes, but we can be pretty sure it's getting quite a cosmic boner from the shit storm it's causing.

But if ever there was a time in Avengers vs. X-men where the Phoenix actually had a reason to feel threatened, it would definitely be at the hands of Sinister. This is a guy crazy enough to make himself a fucking species and smart enough to hot-wire a Celestial and use it to make his own subterranean tribute to Victorian era London. There's probably a lot of awesome shit you could do with a Celestial, but like I said Sinister is crazy. Making an army of hot robot chicks in the mold of Carmen Electra and Scarlett Johanssen just doesn't appeal to him. Furthermore, we learned in the previous two issues of Uncanny X-men that he had been using this Celestial tech for far more pragmatic purposes. He was using it to prepare for an eventual attack by the Phoenix. And as the events of Uncanny X-men #16 showed, he prepared pretty fucking well.

Now this little side-quest for the Phoenix Five took place early on in Act 2 before Namor couldn't hold his wad anymore and gave Wakanda a cosmic money shot. For reasons that weren't explained and I can only assume involved an artist, distributor, or editor getting drunk and losing a bar fight, this arc was delayed. Despite Avengers vs. X-men entering Act 3 with only two remaining Phoenix wielders, this story takes place when the Phoenix Five are still the Phoenix Five. I bring this up because it has an unfortunate side-effect on the story that I'll explain a bit later. But first, I need to take a few shots of tequila and detail what has gone down with Sinister and his twisted troops in this late yet welcome installment.

Uncanny X-men #17 begins with Sinister enjoying a full fledged victory boner. In the last issue, he actually managed to subdue the Phoenix Five with a potent mix of Celestial tech, clone armies, and balls almost as big as Donald Trump's ego. The Phoenix Five are understandably annoyed, but even a menacing cosmic force isn't enough to stop Sinister from gloating. Like the pimp referenced in every Ice-T song, he celebrates how awesome he is with a fine glass of whine and a symphony. If that's all he wanted to do, I think there are easier ways to go about it. I'm pretty sure certain mixes of drugs can help, but I guess Sinister thinks this is less boring.

In addition to flexing his Sinister balls, he reveals that Extinction Team including Storm, Psylocke, and Magneto followed them into his tribute twisted Victorian domain. In the previous issue, they reasoned that even a cosmic force would have difficulty in dealing with Sinister. It's not an unreasonable assertion. This is a guy who if you sent him to hell, he might end up date raping Satan himself if it meant screwing with the X-men. They followed the Phoenix Five down into Sinister's lair (against Cyclops's orders mind you) and arrive to find some of Sinister's various clone armies hungry to kill them. Unfortunately, Sinister's standards for clones are lower than that for a supporting role in a movie starring Tom Arnold. He cloned Sabretooth, whose mind is easily fucked with by hot Asian psychics like Psylocke.

Once Sinister's pets are effectively chasing their tales and/or humping the nearest couch, they're left to confront the same forces that Sinister used to take down the Phoenix Five. They seem to understand fully how stupid that is, but they do come up with a plan. Or at least Unit does, who has been hijacking Danger for a number of issues now. But don't tell Congressman Akin. He'll probably argue it's not a "legitimate hijacking." But even if Unit is a douche, he's reasonable enough to conclude that allowing Sinister to wield the Phoenix Force is like giving crystal meth to a pack of angry wolves. So using Danger, they formulate a plan to infiltrate Sinister's lair and disrupt his clone army. To do this Danger does a little robot/hot chick action and turns into a kick ass ninja suit for Psylocke. I'm not sure if this counts as lesbian porn, but if it does I want to see more.

It sounds like a good plan, at least for Psylocke and Danger. Unfortunately for Storm and Magneto, they're stuck providing the distraction. That's like being the first doctor that rejects a prescription for Charlie Sheen. You're going to be a big target and you're going to be overwhelmed in ways that'll make your ass hurt. Storm and Magneto do fine against Sinister's army of Vitorian style minions, but then Sinister throws a very volatile redhead NOT named Jean Grey OR Hope Summers. Remember those Madelyne Pryor clones? Well it turns out (without too much of an explanation mind you), that they were the ones that subdued the Phoenix Five and now they're using their cosmic flames to carry out Sinister's whims. And since Sinister is parading around like the top pimp, that means the Pryor clones are the hos which means Storm nor Magneto last about as long as a line of cocaine at Lindsey Lohan's house.

The Pryor clones easily subdue them both while removing Magneto's helmet in the process, allowing them to psychically control him. Now using him as a meat puppet, they hunt down Psylocke. This seems a bit redundant. They're tapping the power of the fucking Phoenix Force for crying out loud. Wouldn't it be easier to just subdue her by telekinetically tightening her thong until it splits her in half? But since Sinister is controlling them, you can't rely on that kind of logic. But once again, Psylocke reminds Sinister and the entire comic world that she's not just a hot Asian chick. She's a fucking ninja and she evades the onslaught while taking out Magneto. We get it, Psylocke. You're a ninja. Now can you let my balls go so I can finish jerking off?

Unfortunately, the plan to attack Sinister's control over his clones falls apart. Danger, who is still hijacked by Unit, finds out that Sinister's tech is every bit as awesome as he claims. Unlike Donald Trump, the shit he builds is actually as awesome as he thinks it is. He orders that the X-men run away because they have no such hope against ego like that. It gives Sinister even more reason to gloat, which at this point is becoming so overblown that he could inflate all the tits in Las Vegas. But in that gloating, he leaves himself vulnerable because let's face it. There's only so much you an focus on when you're effectively proving to the world that you've got the biggest dick in the universe.

Utilizing that snide attitude that makes scrotums shrivel and cosmic forces take notice, Emma Frost uses her telepathy to reach out to the Phoenix Force. She basically points out that being used by Sinister is only slightly more humiliating than having that video of yourself humping a statue of Ronald McDonald uploaded to youtube. Even a cosmic force seems to understand that shit and finally gets off its ass to do something.

At last, Sinister has to stop gloating and start shitting himself. The Phoenix Force starts breaking free of Sinister's control, causing the Pryor clones to mess up in ways that probably makes Emma's panties wet. Sinister does his best to try and fix it. Finally, he fails miserably. Maybe if he wasn't so busy gloating and sipping wine he would have figured out that Emma Frost's influence on the Phoenix would catch up with him. At last, he actually looks like he's not the ultimate pimp and starts looking like a kid watching his older brother flush his stash of Playboys down the toilet.

This is all very satisfying, but it does leave one detail out. What the fuck was Sinister trying to do with the Phoenix anyways? Did he think he could control it forever? I get the guy has an ego, but he can't be that fucking stupid. If he did have a plan, it's never hinted at or explored. He just wanted to have a cosmic force swinging from his nuts for a while and that was it.

The Phoenix reminds him in a very painfully spectacular manner that they don't appreciate being ornaments for his balls. Once they break free from his control, they remind them that the Phoenix Force is capable of taking and entire planet and wiping it's ass with it. It doesn't really care for shit that it thinks doesn't work or is in it's way. And unfortunately for Sinister, he happens to be both. So in a glorious attack of cosmic flame, they burn Sinister to a crisp like a deep fried turkey. At last, that gloating grin has been wiped off his face and all it took was a little cosmic mojo.

The Phoenix Five and the Extinction Team return to the surface. Cyclops claims Sinister is dead, but for a guy that turned himself entire an entire fucking species that's about as likely as Rick Santorum becoming a Muslim. Even if he isn't dead, he's no longer in a position to fuck with them. That means the Phoenix Five can go back to fucking with the Avengers. Damn, I miss Sinister already. Excuse me while I take another shot of tequila.

Every time there's a story where a big name villain is apparently defeated, most fans yawn. Like whenever Jean Grey dies, you know it's only a matter of time before they're brought back or replaced by shitty replacement characters. Fans know that comic companies aren't in the business of throwing away awesome characters. Sinister may be creepier than Michael Jackson's parenting skills, but there's no denying his awesome or his legacy. He's the kind of guy who will watch a bunch of Phoenix-wielding superheroes attack him while sipping a glass of imported Pinot Noir. He showed that special level of classy evil in this arc, so his defeat really didn't feel that final. That's why his defeat in this comic felt so satisfying.

What made this arc and the plot with Sinister so intriguing was that he was able to give the Phoenix Five a serious challenge that didn't involve a mindless superhero mash-up. There were no Avengers or innocent bystanders in this battle. It was all Sinister, showing how he could organize himself into an entire fucking species and coordinate that species to at least temporarily control the Phoenix Force. But he wasn't the only one who shined. Psylocke showed on two different occasions that there may be something to the stereotype of hot Asian women in tight outfits being ninjas. Both she and Danger were able to kick ass in that special way that'll make you smile and give you a boner. It helped make the story feel like it was about the Extinction Team and not just the Phoenix Five. Given how the seeds of this story were sewn way back in the first arc, it comes together beautifully here and is capped off in spectacular cosmic fashion.

The only lingering flaw in this arc is the extent of Sinister's plan. I get that Sinister is more mentally unstable than Tom Cruise at a psychiatry convention. But the overall plot was left feeling somewhat incomplete even after Sinister was defeated. We still don't know what the hell he was trying to do with controlling the Phoenix Force. Was he just doing it for shits and giggles? Or was he just sick of paying his electric bill and wanted to use the Phoenix Force as a free source of lighting? Either way is equally likely because his intentions really weren't clear. It just comes off as a basic, "I'm an evil asshole and I want to control the forces of a god so the world can suck my big, holy cock" type story. That's okay in some instances, but given Kieron Gillen's level of skill it's somewhat of a disappointment.

Never-the-less, Uncanny X-men #17 was a fun, entertaining conclusion to an arc that took a break from all this bullshit superhero ball busting. It continued Kieron Gillen's legacy of telling compelling, cohesive X-men stories. While I'm excited about Brian Bendis's role on All New X-men, books like this make me sad and in need of another shot of heroin because they remind me he's leaving. I give Uncanny X-men #17 a 4 out of 5. So once again, Sinister is defeated. But like herpes, he always finds a way to come back. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #16 - Victorian Era Awesome

I often look back at the Victorian era with mixed emotions. Sure, they were the most uptight and repressed culture since Christine O'Donnell's bid for Congress. But if you actually look into these folks, you'll find that while they were repressed publicly, privately they were more perverted than an pervert in a panty factory. They wrote massive amounts of porn, set new standards in sadomasochistic fetishes, and came up with exceedingly inventive ways to control their junk less they abuse it outside the proper S&M dungeon. For that reason and many others, I'm glad that Sinister used this era as a model with which to build his secret underground kingdom. We haven't seen the S&M dungeons, but if he's made a true representation of 19th century England I can only assume they're hidden next to the stores that sell chastity belts.

You would think that a guy who is also his own species that creates his own little slice of the past in an underground cavern would be pretty fucking twisted. And you would be right without even having to take a bong hit. But for Sinister, twisted and tact are like peanut butter and jelly. They go so well together, but when you deep fry it you feel like you're biting into a slice of heaven (I just bought a deep fryer by the way and I'm still finding new ways to use it). The deep fryer in this instance is the Celestial technology that he acquired in the first major arc of Uncanny X-men after the relaunch. In the pages of Avengers vs. X-men, he's put that technology to use powering his Sinister version of London. However, now he has to use it in a slightly more pragmatic way.

Uncanny X-men #15 had the Phoenix Five take a quick break from pwning the Avengers to take on another threat that could potentially corrupt Hope and the Phoenix. Sinister already has a sordid history of sticking his dick in Phoenix plots. He created Madelyne Pryor and laughed his ass off when Cyclops was gullible enough to marry her. He also was the first to tell Hope about the Phoenix Force. So they know he's a threat and thanks to the Phoenix, the Phoenix Five look to neutralize him before he can wave that sinister dick of his in their faces any further.

Uncanny X-men #16 has the Phoenix Five receiving a warm welcome from Sinister. By warm I mean armed to the teeth with Celestial style weaponry. It's the kind of weaponry the Church of Scientology probably wishes they had when they're not trying to subversively destroy pharmaceutical companies. It makes for the kind of flashy battles that we've come to expect in Avengers vs. X-men, but this time it happens in a hidden underground cavern of Victorian style England and the targets are all creepy, pasty faced psychopaths. It means the Phoenix Five can afford to be mindlessly violent is what I'm saying.

The Phoenix Five's strategy is simple. Since Sinister is his own species, they need to attack his little tribute to the second most repressive era in modern history after Rick Santorum's presidential bid to completely neutralize him. They take to that strategy with their full Phoenix powers with the kind of enthusiasm you would expect, but Sinister remains as calm as Tom Brady on Valium. While his city is being attacked, he's casually dining with some Madelyne Pryor clones while enjoying a fancy feast that probably features water that's $50 a glass. Madelyne expresses some mild concern, but Sinister shows that he not only has a plan. He has a plan designed to make the X-men shit their pants.

Part of his army included clones of his Marauders. Sinister has a long history of using clones so it stands to reason that he would clone more than just cannon fodder for his Celestial powered weapons. How about cloning something bigger, badder, and shocking enough to make the assholes of cosmic beings clench? That's when we find out that Sinister didn't just build his castle in some dank cavern. He cloned Karoka, as in the fucking living island of Karoka that holds such a special place in the annuls of X-men lore. You can never accuse Sinister of doing anything half-assed. Even the Phoenix Five admit that they're surprised by this shit. The Avengers could learn a thing or two from Sinister, provided they cast aside little things like ethics and sanity. But then again, you can't argue with the results. Just look at the sheer ballsiness of his castle and your colon should tell you all you need to hear.

The surprise of Sinister's castle being built on the back of a living island only offered a prelude of things to come. The Phoenix Five try to flex their Phoenix powers with Colossus using it to grow like the monsters in those old Power Range cartoons. It seems like a good strategy until Sinister unleashes a wave of Gambit clones, each charged up in a way that makes them a walking suicide bomber. It seems like a waste of a perfectly good Cajun, but it effectively does to Colossus what pouring a batch of fire ants onto your roommate's bed does. It leaves him annoyed, pained, and threatening to cut your nuts off with a butter knife. Okay, that was just my ex-roommate.

Gambit isn't the only one Sinister took the time to clone into an army either. To take down Namor, he unleashes hoards of Cannonballs (the mutant and not the spherical thing you chuck at bowling pins and/or windshields of people you don't like). Like the exploding Gambits, they serve to annoy and frustrate Namor. He handles it somewhat better than Colossus, but even his exceedingly bloated ego can only handle so much. Seeing as how Sinister went through the trouble to clone so many mutants and build his castle on the back of a living island, you have to assume this isn't just because he wants to record it and post it to youtube to compete with cats and nut shots.

Even Emma isn't immune from Sinister's madness. He actually unleashes waves of killer cows at her. No, that's not a metaphor for a weapon powered by the Octomom's baby fat. Sinister actually used exploding cows to attack Emma Frost. For a woman that probably prides herself on wearing underwear that costs more than a car, that's pretty damaging. This attack leads the Phoenix Five to actually look like they're struggling for the first time since they got their Phoenix powers. Magik even suggests they pull back before Sinister throws exploding sheep at them next. But then she, Emma, and Colossus are hit with some mysterious blast that causes them to disappear. And by mysterious I mean fucking confusing because it's almost as if they disappear off-panel. I expect that kind of shit in an Ultimate comic written by Jeph Loeb, but not an issue of Uncanny X-men written by Kieron Gillen.

Now this battle is a major shift because it's the first time the Phoenix Five have faced a villain like Sinister. It's also the first time they've actually struggled to contain a threat. I've seen how some fanboys love to bitch and moan on message boards about how the Phoenix Five are too powerful. These are the same fanboys that probably bitch and moan about Wonder Woman wearing pants too, but now they have to admit for once that their bitching has been addressed because they're taking on a villain that has the resources and bravado to take on the Phoenix Five. It makes for a battle of a very different yet equally great awesome compared to the ones they've had with the Avengers.

But as nice as it is to see the battle against Sinister give the Phoenix Five a run for their money, the action gets a bit choppy. The other members of the Phoenix Five just disappear and not much explanation or hints are given as to the source. You assume there is one, but there's really not much to go on aside from maybe they had to go take a cosmic shit or something. It allows Sinister to unleash some extra Celestial firepower to down Cyclops. And since humbling him in front of his Phoenix-powered buddies isn't emasculating enough, he has to bring in an army of his ex-wives clones. You would almost rather go skinny dipping in a pond full of those fish with a taste for human testicles. It's implied that they're the source of the disappearances, but again it's really hard to tell with or without weed.

The battle between Sinister and the Phoenix Five has now devolved into a state between a Mitt Romney speech and a Jerry Springer rerun. The Phoenix Five have been humbled and even they have to admit that they could use a hand against someone who likes to throw ex-wives into a war. I'm pretty sure that's on par with genocide under the Geneva Convention, but I doubt Sinister gives a shit. Luckily, the Phoenix Five hasn't alienated all their teammates with their world-shaping utopia policy. Magneto, Storm, Danger, and Psylocke got bored waiting around on the surface and raiding Wolverine's old liquor cabinet. They show up at the end of the issue seeing that the battle against Sinister has become too fucked up for even a cosmic force to handle. So they'll need either help from the rest of the Extinction Team or a cosmic sized dildo to help unfuck this battle whichever comes first. Personally, I was looking forward to the cosmic sized dildo.

For most of Avengers vs. X-men, the Phoenix Five have faced all kinds of threats. Most of them involve being careful because the threats they were facing involved friends and allies. Well there are no allies here. The Phoenix Five could afford to exercise all its depraved cosmic fetishes of death, destruction, and bondage it wanted on Sinister. Because like a sadomasochist with a self-emoliation compunction, he can take it. Yet despite having the power to unleash this cosmic wrath, Sinister still found a way to fuck with them. What sounded like a lopsided battle became lopsided in the opposite way you imagined. You almost forgot that Sinister is the same crafty son-of-a-bitch that hot wired a Celestial. Why shouldn't he be able to measure up against the Phoenix Five.

The struggle of this battle was the real highlight of the issue. However, it was a bit choppy at times towards the end. It really isn't clear why or how Emma and Namor just flat out disappeared. It wasn't clear why Cyclops started panicking. And while it was nice to see Magneto, Danger, Storm, and Psylocke show up in a limited role, nothing was done with Unit sub-plot and nothing really added any drama to them being left out. That didn't mean this issue wasn't awesome. You can't have an issue that involves exploding cows and walking castles that isn't awesome on at least ten different levels. It's an issue that really started strong, but just became more incoherent than a sorority girl at a frat party after a few too many shots.

Kieron Gillen has done more than any writer since Chris Claremont to make Sinister a compelling and disturbing villain again. He's the kind of villain that will give you nightmares, but at the same time he's the kind of guy you want to have a beer with if for no other reason than to see if the beer turns to blood. The biggest accomplishment of this issue was that he finally gave the Phoenix Five a real run for their money with Sinister. That's something event he mighty Avengers couldn't accomplish. For that, Uncanny X-men #16 gets a 4.5 out of 5. The Phoenix Five have been humbled and smothered in cows blood. They now have to prove they can pull a Carrie on Sinister and wipe that creepy grin off his face. But hopefully, they save some of those Madelyne Pryor clones. Because if there's one thing the Marvel Universe has shown over the years, it's that you can never have enough hot redheads with a leather fetish. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #15 - Cosmic Sinister Awesome

When five superheroes suddenly become imbued with cosmic power, what sort of shit do they have to fear? So many superhero stories are based around the heroes being the underdogs and like the 1980 US Olympic hockey team or the 2007 New York Giants, they overcome impossible odds to defeat a stronger opponent. People tend to fall for that shit all the time, even if it's only in sports and never against shit that might actually improve the status for some peoples' lives in this shitty world. That's part of what made the X-men so appealing. They were always the underdog, the upstart branch of human evolution that makes creationists shit bricks and incur the kind of bullying that even Dan Savage would say doesn't get better. Well thanks to the Phoenix Force, they're not the underdogs anymore. Hell, they're practically the doctor that cuts off the dog's nuts and pulls out their teeth. So what do they have to fear?

Well even the most powerful heroes have enemies. For the X-men, no matter how powerful or well-organized they get there are always some enemies tenacious enough to fuck their shit up. One that ranks in the Hall of Fame for ruining the X-men's day and being cock-smashingly cool about it is Sinister. He may not be the most imposing villain. He's not even the ugliest. Hell, I know college co-eds with daddy issues that would think he's very doable. But what he lacks in god-like power he more than makes up for with a suave cunning that I liken to a cross between James Bond and Kim Jong Ill. No matter how powerful or secure the X-men may be, Sinister will find a way to fuck with them and in the pages of Uncanny X-men he already has.

When Kieron Gillen relaunched Uncanny X-men and formulated the X-men's Extinction Team, he had Sinister as their first major villain. Since being KIA in Messiah Complex, he's been a busy mad sociopath. Now no longer content with just being one cunning asshole, he turned himself into an entire species. And after hijacking a Celestial in the first Uncanny arc, we find out that in Uncanny X-men #14 he's used that power to create his own little mock-up of Victorian England in an underground cavern complete with mercury covered top hats and taboos against showing ankles. Even for Sinister, it's a kind of madness that you can't help but be impressed by. Using Celestial power to turn yourself into your own species isn't the craziest thing I would have done (I would rather use it to end all hangovers now and forever), but it's right up there.

Uncanny X-men #15 takes what Sinister created and brings it to the doorstep of the Phoenix Five. It comes at a time when the Phoenix Five and the X-men as a whole are enjoying all the trappings of being cosmic powered beings in a world where the Avengers have become the assholes. It starts with Magneto taking a light stroll through the new Utopia mega-city that makes the old Utopia (which is basically just Asteroid M, the world he built) look like an old underfunded rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike. He meets up with Psylocke, who he's been conversing with regularly in the pages of Uncanny lately. You get the sense that with Rogue leaving Utpopia that he's in need of some replacement pussy and since Psylocke lost Angel, he's looking to swoop in and get some pity sex. I mean fuck, she gave it to Fantomex. Magneto would be a step up, but for now her panties are locked. That just talk about how far the X-men have come and you can almost see Magneto getting a boner when he talks about it. Danger shows up to remind them that they've got a meeting with the Phoenix Five, but she's still being controlled by Unit (insert dick joke here) so Sinister isn't the only looming threat they'll have to deal with. At least with Sinister, I don't have to make as many dick jokes.

 
But Unit isn't the only butt-ugly source of devious douche-baggery that the Phoenix Five still have to deal with. During the Fear itself event (which feels like one of those parties where you woke up with ten dicks drawn on your face at this point) Colossus became the new avatar of Cytorakk. Well now that he's hosting a portion of the Phoenix Force, you would think Cytorakk would get jealous. But surprisingly, he's more than willing to share. He actually sounds affectionate in the way a serial killer is affectionate towards his victims when he says Colossus has been his favorite avatar and the Phoenix's propensity to bring destruction can only help his desire to cause it. He may be a twisted as fucked inter-dimensional force of nature, but he's not wrong. And even when Colossus and Illyana try to fight him, they fail miserably because even with the Phoenix Force they might as well be pissing into the wind while in Cytorakk's domain.

Colossus and Magik must then attend the Extinction Team meeting knowing they got pwned by Cytorakk and will only continue helping his inter-dimensional ass. But it's probably not the most fucked up anyone has been at one of these meetings. I'm still convinced Emma Frost shows up high on Ludes half the time, but now this particular meeting is fucked up at Courtney Love levels with the presence of the Phoenix Five. I'm sure it makes Storm and Magneto feel like that kid that got lost in Miami and ended up in a male strip club. But while Hope's absence is quite glaring, they rightly point out there are other threats besides the Avengers that are more pressing. One of them has used the Phoenix to fuck with them before and it's only fitting that they use the Phoenix to fuck back. I'm pretty sure that's the plot of several pornos, but this promises to be only somewhat less messy.

The threat in question is Sinister, of course. He taunted and teased the X-men with the same casual attitude that a ten-year-old has when they take a piss on an ant hill. He's become his own species and he's got Celestial tech to boot. He also was the first one to drop the Phoenix bomb on Hope so I guess that's the equivalent to calling their mother fat for the Phoenix Five. They rightly conclude that the Avengers aren't going to hurt Hope. Sinister, however, has a history of using young redheads in ways that would automatically get someone blacklisted as a sex offender in some states. So the Phoenix Five want to take his ass off the board before he decides to stick his red-head hating dick into the mix. And armed with the Phoenix Force, that pasty faced psycho can't hide from them any more than he could hide from the IRS.

The previous issue of Uncanny X-men showed how Sinister created his own little slice of Victorian Era London. It's a charming yet exceedingly creepy world occupied by this fucked up species that must make for some horribly awkward masturbation needs has been essentially a hiding spot for Sinister. He revealed that he suspected the Phoenix's arrival in the previous issue and created this world underground to bide his time and prepare for their arrival. That and I'm sure he wanted a place where he could dress like an old world pimp and nobody would give him shit for it. When one of his fellow Sinisters reveals that the Phoenix Five are in the process of psychically hunting down their pasty white asses, Sinister Prime just sits there calmly drinking what appears to be hard liquor. I admit I would do the same if I got news some overly powerful forces were coming to end my ass.

Sinister is smart enough and cunning enough to know that he's got no chance of hiding from the Phoenix Five. He also has to realize that one of them, Cyclops, is someone he's routinely fucked with in ways that violate every article of the Geneva Convention. So he's going to have extra motivation to burn Sinister's ass with cosmic flame, let him heal, and burn him again all while fucking Emma Frost doggy style over his ravaged corpse. Even if the danger is real, he remains remarkably calm while telling his fellow Sinisters to prepare for battle. They may have the Phoenix Force, but he has his own species armed with Celestial technology. That actually sounds like a fair if not fucked up fight.

This is actually a nice little addition to the Avengers vs. X-men event because to date the Phoenix Five haven't faced many battles that they couldn't dominate. Even the Scarlet Witch could only hurt them, but not outright oppose them. She's basically the only thing keeping the Phoenix Five from frying the Avengers like a strip of bacon on an episode of Epic Meal Time. But Sinister has far more robust forces. He actually has his own little world with which to oppose the Phoenix and even if it still seems skewed, you can't help but appreciate the ambiance of such a battle. It's like an outdoor strip club near a pool at the Four Seasons. It just adds something special to something that's already awesome.

The Phoenix Five pretty much ditch Magneto and Storm back on Utopia. They make it clear that Sinister is someone only those with cosmic power can handle. I can't help but think that's a subtle way of saying "We've got cosmic power and you don't. Ha ha!" But name-calling aside, they make their way to Anchorage, Alaska (yet more proof that Sinister is trying to fuck with Cyclops) and Colossus uses that Cytorakk hard-on to dig all the way to the underground world that Sinister has ready for them. They arrive to find Sinister's devious perversion of Darwin's theories armed with Celestial technology and dressed in their finest attire. I guess David Lee Roth was right. It's not whether you win or lose. It's how good you look.

Unfortunately, we don't get to see the spectacle unfold beyond a page or two. We don't even get more than a glimpse of the Madelyne Pryror clones he has waiting in the wings. It just has the Phoenix Five arriving in Sinister's domain and that's it. The whole issue basically set up the two sides to do battle. It's a setup issue and unfortunately it's as exciting as it sounds. The premise is juicer than Jennifer Lopez's ass, but we only get a slight drop of that juice. We're stuck having to wait or take sedatives for the next issue. I'm personally leaning towards the sedatives.

The first time Sinister unleashed his twisted perversion of a species on the X-men, it was about as fair a fight as pitting a retarded ferret against Mike Tyson in his prime. The only reason Sinister didn't completely end the X-men in the first arc is because he's not that basic a villain. He's got a very different agenda and a very unique style in terms of going about it. We're not talking Lady Gaga style here, but it's close to that level of eccentricity. You get the sense that the coming battle is more evenly matched. Five Phoenix powered X-men against an entire species of Sinisters armed with Celestial technology sounds like shit that belongs on pay-per-view alongside Co-Ed lesbo porn. Sinister doesn't seem too worried about it and given all the Madelyne's he's got waiting in the wings, it's clear that he's got a plan to fuck with the Phoenix Five. The only problem is we've got to wait another two fucking weeks to see that fight.

In many ways, that is this issue's greatest flaw. It really does spend too much time setting shit up rather than unleashing the battle that was nicely built up in the previous issue. Now maybe this is a result of Gillen or the big wigs at Marvel not wanting to move too fast with this tie-in so they don't give too much away. Even so, it's still painfully apparent that this issue just set a lot of shit up. Granted, Gillen made the most of each page in this issue. He took some time to address the ongoing side-plot with Colossus and Cytorakk, which had gone completely untouched in every other tie-in. He also took some time to get the other members of the Extinction Team involved, which is a nice touch even though they really didn't do much other than show how obsolete they've become under the Phoenix Five. But given that it means Magneto having more time to get into Psylocke's panties, I don't think they mind.

Overall, this issue was a solid Kieron Gillen style issue full of his usual flare for dramatics. Sinister's presence in Uncanny continues to be one of the most entertaining and colorful of any character that Gillen has used. But as well-done as it was, it still had all the features of a setup issue. It's really hard to get too enthusiastic about it. It's like going to what you think is an all-nude strip club and only seeing bikinis. It's disappointing and your dick ends up hating you. My dick still enjoyed this issue though and convinced me that Uncanny X-men #15 deserves a 4 out of 5. The battle between the Avengers and the X-men may be getting all the press, but with the way this series has been unfolding it's clear that the battle between the X-men and Sinister will definitely be the most fucked up. How can it not when you've got a guy who is his own species with an army of Jean Grey clones NOT named Hope on his side? Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #14 - Sinister Connections (of Awesome)

There's a certain charm to comic book villains who know they're assholes, but don't apologize for it. Guys like Lex Luthor are just assholes by design. They're mean, they're spiteful, and they have no sense of subtlety. They're just guys you want to punch in the face, kick in the balls, and shit on their grave. Then there are villains like Mr. Sinister. Throughout the X-men's history, he's been among the most twisted yet intriguing villains that Marvel has conjured. You still want to punch him in the face and all that shit, but his charisma is enough to make you stop and admire his twisted persona. He's the kind of guy who would fuck over the world with a cosmic dick and recite Shakespeare while he's at it. You just don't get that kind of charm now that House is off the air.

When Uncanny X-men relaunched, the first villain Kieron Gillen used was Mr. Sinister. He was MIA for a while after Messiah Complex. Hell, for a while he had big boobs and went by the name Miss Sinister. Why he gave those boobs up is beyond me, but he came back none-the-less and gave the X-men's new Extinction Team their first major test by hot-wiring a Celestial. He then proceeded to fuck with the X-men by creating an army of Sinister clones, each sharing his same love of devious wit and cloned redheads. During that conflict, he was also the first one to drop a hint to Hope Summers that she was about to get a visit from a fiery cosmic parrot and it wasn't a metaphor to let her know she was going to have her first period. Now Avengers vs. X-men has taken hold and the Phoenix Force has arrived. Does anyone really expect Sinister to just sit back on a beach in Brazil while doing jello shots off topless sunbathers? Okay, that's what I would do, but Sinister has a different approach.

Uncanny X-men #14 deals with this latest twisted approach to fucking over the world that Sinister has conjured. Not content with just creating an army of look-alikes, Sinister has set up shop in a subterranean world in a cavern once occupied by Moloids. Apparently, he's had so much free time on his hands and so much extra manpower that he used it to create an entire recreation of London. I know some people are nostalgic and really get into Renaissance Fairs, but there is such a thing as overkill. Some people just need to be content with a beer and a porno. Now you would think an entire city of Sinisters would get alone nicely, but as devious as Sinister may be he's not without his flaws. This comic is told from the perspective of a flawed clone. He has Sinister's dashing looks that would strip the paint off a Buick, but he's apparently not comfortable in a hidden world buried deep underground composed of nothing by clones. Some folks are weird like that, although with Sinister weird really doesn't apply.

This Sinister beta if you will narrates a good portion of the comic. He's not a terribly interesting guy. He lacks Sinister's twisted charisma with his whole whining about how something about this world seems off. He sees himself and everyone else as just pieces in a game. Seriously, you expected something different from Sinister? If the clone factories, the various waves of Sinister as boys and old men, and Victorian style ambiance that looks like it was pulled from an over-budgeted Shakespeare play wasn't telling enough then I don't know what this Sinister beta is smoking, but I want some.

Because this world is so fucked up, this beta Sinister seeks to have a chat with Sinister Prime if you will. Together, they have a nice stroll through the elaborate psuedo-London that Sinister has created. He explains how he pushed out (by that he means slaughtered) the Moloid's living in the caverns to make this city. One even shows up, which Sinister promptly takes care of (again, through slaughter). His reason for doing this is simple. He's biding his time in a place where the X-men would rather not pursue him. Because who wants to confront an army of Sinister's in a deep underground cave? That's like challenging Mike Tyson to a Yo' Mama's So Fat contest in a windowless basement.

Through these narrations, the beta Sinister continues to muse over how this so-called civilization is affecting them. While Sinister Prime argues it's making man less an asshole, beta Sinister believes it's only making man's shit smell even worse. There's a very twisted unabomber-like feel to him, seeing all the wonders of civilization and believing them to be evil. It may be cliched, but Kieron Gillen once again flaunts his talent for twisted inner narration. As they continue to tour this psuedo-London, the beta Sinister makes it increasingly apparent that he despises this world Sinister has created. He believes it has to end. So also like the unabomber, he plots an attack on this wondrously twisted world that Sinister has created. It might have just been easier to ask him for an internet connection and no porn filters.

The beta Sinister continues to follow Sinister Prime on their little tour. He acts as though he's a scholar looking to appropriately catalog the wonders of this world Sinister created and the intent behind it. That kind of fluff should raise red flags for anyone with a history of narcissism and sociopathic tendencies. Seeing as how Sinister was smart enough to make an entire army of himself and recreate his old hometown to an exceedingly creepy degree, it's really not too surprising to find out that he's smart enough to detect this beta Sinister's bullshit. Beta Sinister manages to get Sinister in a position where he can shoot him and hopefully destroy the prime Sinister of this twisted world. In probably the least surprising turn of events since Lindsey Lohan's last traffic accident, it backfires horribly.

As expected, Sinister Prime doesn't take kindly to flawed clones that try to fuck with him. Also as expected, he's smart enough to keep tabs on his clones when they don't cooperate. So he's not stupid enough to send his prime self into an enclosed room with the guy. That Sinister the beta blasted was just another clone. That clone tricked the beta Sinister and was in turn transported into a Victorian style dungeon basement. It's only slightly less appealing than being transported inside George W. Bush's asshole. Moreover, the prime Sinister reveals that the so-called beta Sinister that thought he was flawed was actually working perfectly fine. Sinister made this clone specifically to rebel. Why? To test the system he created and presumably for shits and giggles.

This kind of devious plotting is one of Sinister's finer qualities. It's a quality that Gillen writes extremely well. It helped make the first arc after the Uncanny relaunch so memorable. However, as skillful as Gillen is at handling Sinister's character, it's a bit overly predictable here. The whole notion of making a clone specifically to rebel is novel, but rather bland because it implies that Sinister neither makes mistakes and just enjoys fucking around. While admirable qualities in any successful comic villain, making it predictable just makes it difficult to enjoy.

This revelation also makes it difficult to feel disappointed when this so-called beta Sinister gets fed to a pack of angry Sabretooth-like wolves. The whole revelation about him just being designed to rebel made it difficult to really connect with this character. Granted, it's difficult to connect with any character associated with Sinister, but it would have been nice to actually feel something for this character when his true purpose is revealed. Gillen has been good about doing that in the past. Here, it just makes the whole first part of the comic feel unneeded. It's like watching the IT guy test your PC after he's purged it of your porn. There's nothing exciting to look forward to.

However, the successful test so to speak helps set the stage for a much more engaging event. With the beta Sinister now in the process of becoming wolf shit, Sinister prepares for the next little test of his. Along the way, more plot holes from the first arc are filled in. He reveals that he used the Dreaming Celestial as merely a way to kick start his little Sinister world. He intends to use the Phoenix to sustain it. He sees the Phoenix as a force of nature and the point of civilization is to contain nature. It's not a completely fucked up premise and it shows that Gillen is capable of giving a sort of refinement to a character. He rightly predicted that the Avengers wouldn't let Hope gain the Phoenix and that it would seek other hosts. Having had experience with the Phoenix before, it's not too much of a stretch to believe that he anticipated the events of Avengers vs. X-men as they unfolded. Now he's poised to do what he does best and exploit the fuck out of it.

That leads to revelation that is far less predictable. In his throne room, he reveals that he has with him an army of other hosts for the Phoenix in the form of more Madelyne Pryor clones. Because that's just what the Marvel universe needs, more Jean Grey replacement characters. At least Madelyne can say she was the first and wasn't intended to be the bullshit rip-off character that Hope Summers turned out to be. That and she looks much hotter in a corset. Sinister muses about how he's preparing to take on the Phoenix Five and take the Phoenix Force for his own use. It's the kind of devious plan that would bring a tear to the eyes of Kim Jong Ill himself, may he rest in torment.

This issue of Uncanny X-men was a charming departure from previous tie-ins that only really touched on the perspectives of others actively involved in the events of Avengers vs. X-men. It also had the added benefit of tying in the events of first arc that transpired after the relaunch where Sinister hot-wired a Celestial. While this issue does a nice job of filling in the blanks as to what Sinister has been up to since that first arc, it still feels like only half an issue. The whole plot with the renegade clone really seemed unnecessary. So Sinister doesn't like it when one of this clones is defiant and prefers to feed his ass to wolves. That's understandable, but there's really no need to make a major story out of it. While it was well told as Kieron Gillen's solo perspectives often are, it really didn't contribute much to this story. It wasn't until the end where the promise of a Sinister influence in Avengers vs. X-men really heated up. It was good enough to make the issue worth buying, but not enough to pay full price. And unless you're willing to suck the dick of the guy at the comic shop for a discount, you're shit out of luck.

Kieron Gillen has done a great job of giving Sinister a devious and engaging new persona. This is by far the most interesting Sinister has been in a decade. No longer content to just fuck with the Summers/Grey bloodline on his own, he has enlisted an army and a new sense of charm to further enhance his ability to frustrate the X-men. This twisted plan of his that began in the final issue of Uncanny X-men flowed nicely into this issue. Even though half of it was unnecessary, it succeeded in filling in the blanks between Sinister's last ploy and how he's been preparing for his next ploy. The promise of Sinister taking on the Phoenix Five with an army of Madelyne Pryors is very enticing and knowing Sinister, he'll find a way to be deviously charming in a way that even Charlie Sheen would envy.

When a comic starts strong, but fizzles at the end I tend to be a bit harsher than I would if it started slow and got stronger in the end. I'm a firm believer in making up for slow starts. I have much more respect for the stripper that falls flat on her face and breaks her nose in the middle of a lap dance yet still earns an extra $50 tip than I do the stripper that really gets into it only to pass out drunk on your shoulder when she's fondling your balls. Uncanny X-men may not have strippers, but it contains women like Madelyne Pryor who dress like them. For that with the forgettable first part in mind, I give Uncanny X-men #14 a 3 out of 5. If you're okay with half a sandwich and half a chocolate bar, you'll probably enjoy this issue. If you can't be satisfied without stuffing your face, then get some exercise before picking up this book. Your cardiologist will thank me. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #3 - Sinister Plus Celestials Equals Awesome

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Uncanny X-men #2 - Sinister Stylish Awesome

Style is like a vagina. We all admire it on some level, but nobody will ever figure it out. I believe there's a little metrosexual in all of us. It may not be as flamboyant as Lady Gaga's wardrobe, but it's there whether we want to admit it or not. On some levels we're all just stoners stumbling around a 7-11 at two in the morning staring in amazement at how shiney the tin foil they wrap old hot dogs in can be. Style applies to comics as well and I'm not just talking about the horribly impractical attire that most superheroes wear, especially those that can barely contain the breasts of the overly proportioned female characters. Sometimes style is more subtle and that subtlety is what gives a comic a truly unique feel.

Enter Mr. Sinister. He's one of the X-men's most notorious villain. He'll strike fear in his enemies while making them stare in the same way they stare at a midget fucking a donkey. It's so horrendous that you just can't look away. While Sinister has always had a very macabre style, his recent return to the pages of Uncanny have poured a little napalm on that fire. It started in Uncanny X-men #544 where he was literally pooped out of some bio chamber. Then he put on the kind of suit that you only see in Mad Men, but he rocked it in a way not seen since pimps reintroduced the feathered hat. This style made his first act of badassery in Uncanny X-men #1 where he commandeered a sleeping Celestial all the more potent. He presented a daunting first challenge for Cyclops and his new Extinction Team. And like a boss, he created a carnival of horrors that was as awesome as it was theatric.

Uncanny X-men #2 doesn't let up on those theatrics. If anything it kicks it up a notch. Cyclops leads his team right into the twisted new domain that Sinister has carved out within San Francisco. It's as weird as it gets, but the sad thing is it could still probably pass for a tourist attraction. Hell, Nancy Polosi may even take bribes to profit from it. That makes crushing this army of tacky Sinister clones all the more vital. The last thing the X-men need is another reason for San Francisco to sick their army of hippies, gays, and stoners at them.

If Sinister fucking with them with his army of lookalikes and hipster style dress sense wasn't bad enough, Cyclops gets a call during the middle of the battle from Abigale Brand from SWORD. Apparently, the Celestials don't like it when some psychopath hijacks one of their own and uses them to make their personal Disneyland minus the mouse and the subtle antisemitism. So the Dreaming Celestial's buddies, who are space gods capable of ripping the universe several trillion new assholes, are on their way to do a little judging in ways that only republicans can masturbate to.

Now Sinister could just continue to sick his army of Sinisters on the X-men until the Celestials force a global pants-shitting contest, but that just wouldn't be Sinister. At some randomly chosen point in the battle, he calls off the attack and invites the X-men to join him in his newly constructed palace. Now if anyone else did this, I probably would start pissing and moaning about how it's so abrupt and contrived. But this is Sinister. He fucks with people in a way that even Dr. House would find excessive. So he invites them in and the X-men take him up on his offer, despite the fact that Emma Frost lost a fucking arm.

That's something that's worth repeating. In the last issue Emma Frost lost a fucking arm. Now she's able to manage because she's in her diamond form. Apparently, that makes bleeding to death a non-issue. But Cyclops and the others actually make it a point to remind her that she doesn't have an arm and probably is a liability in this fight. But she's Emma Frost. So long as her tits are intact, she can participate in any battle. That's besides the point, but I just think it's nice that Gillen didn't ignore it because it would have been easy for most other writers to do just that.

So the X-men venture into Sinister's domain. Along the way Danger starts making sense of this shit because to this point it has been a little random, although you can't expect much else from Sinister. She describes how all these dupes are basically from the same set of DNA. But they're just expressing themselves in different ways. It sounds like some shit my old art teacher did when he came to work drunk, but it does offer some insight into what Sinister is doing here. All these dupes are actually his DNA and not just your typical clone. They're basically his own kingdom and they all share his flashy style.

Once they're inside, Sinister offers a deeper explanation while coming off even creepier in the process. We actually get a little insight into what makes this raving madman who is crazy enough to clone himself and dress like Dean Martin. Gillen actually cites his past in Victorian England. He talks about how he thought he saw heaven in the White, racist, ethnocentric world of douch-baggery known as 19th century England. I know. That's as fucked up as it sounds. So he makes the same conclusion that the KKK made. Why not impose this entire singular vision on the whole fucking world? But unlike racist rednecks that wave flags with chewing tobacco stains, Sinister is actually capable of it. Remember, he has a fucking Celestial at his disposal and he's used it to make an army of his perfect little clones.

Needless to say, the X-men don't take kindly to a guy so narcissistic that he thinks the world should be made up of his own clones. But keep in mind Sinister invited them into his domain. They suspected it was a trap and guess what? They were right? He used a little creative telepathy to take over their minds and paralyze them. Only Emma could escape because she's immune to telepathy in her diamond form. Now Colossus/Juggernaut has his helmet on so for a moment he was immune too. But Sinister just had Cyclops blow his helmet off. See? Problem solved.

Now this would be very cunning if the X-men hadn't walked right into it. But they did. It's the only real head-scratching moment of the comic. While I'm sure there's some plan at work here, it still feels forced. Like it was just a way to get everyone in a place so Gillen could have Sinister do some flashbacks. I'm glad he's taking the time to flesh out Sinister more, but it would definitely help it if happened in a more organic way.

Emma and Danger, who maintain control of their own minds, try to oppose Sinister while he continues to fuck with Cyclops and the rest of his team. But remember Emma only has one arm. That and Sinister pretty much blows Danger the fuck apart with a fucking cannon. Yeah, it's a very basic way to take her out of the picture, but she's a fucking machine that doesn't have diamond kin and big boobs to protect her. Even Emma understands that she's outmatched. Even when Sinister brings up Jean Grey, she's no match for him. He's so unthreatened by her that he takes this time to explain his little philosophy of genetics. He credits his long study of Cyclops's lineage as having paved the way for the research that made his army of non mini-mes possible. He even goes so far as to say that everything is determined by genetics and free will is just an illusion. It's not every day that comics get existential, but with Sinister it's actually more than appropriate.

This philosophical musing distracts from the fact that he allowed Hope Summers to mimic Emma's diamond powers and escape with Illyana's powers. She's pretty resourceful for a Jean Grey ripoff so she deserves credit in that respect. She earns herself even more credit when she uses her escape to position herself a ways away and fire a sniper bullet that hits Sinister right in the head. That's right. A teenage girl that looks like Jean Grey shoots Sinister in the head. X-men fans, if this isn't enough for you then not even the fucking Phoenix Force can satisfy you.

But shooting one Sinister in the head is like shooting one raindrop in a hurricane. It amounts to jack shit because every Sinister clone is just as viable as Victorian Era Sinister. Even though the shot frees the X-men from their paralysis, they're still the one legged man in the ass kicking contest. They have no shot because Sinister is everywhere and he makes it clear that if they're not part of this perfect yet twisted world of his, they're fucked. It's a somewhat abrupt way to end the comic, but it gets the message across.

I said it at the beginning of this review and I'll say it again. Sinister has style. He's always been an over-the-top, unconventional style villain. This issue takes that concept, sticks a ton of C4 up it's ass, and blows it the fuck up over an entire mural. Sinister has always been a crazy son-of-a-bitch, but Kieron Gillen actually took time to flesh out the method behind the madness. He even got a little philosophical at times. Granted, it got a little wordy in some parts, but it's reassuring to see someone make a concerted effort to add more twist to a guy that's more twisted than a Tim Burton movie. Sinister really steals the show here. The X-men are basically props. Hell, you could have called this issue Sinister and his Uncanny X-Bitches and it would have been more than appropriate.

In many ways this issue took a different path than the second issue of Wolverine and the X-men. It tried to mix the action with a deeper exploration of the characters. Gillen didn't try to overwhelm the reader with epic struggles. He used a solid mix of flash and flare to tell a more complex tale, but it doesn't feel quite as complex. It's very different from Wolverine and the X-men because that series is a lot more basic. The premise of that book is clear, but the premise of Uncanny X-men is still developing. At times it requires the reader to be a bit more active in their approach to the book, but it's not fucking brain surgery. It's just a genuinely deep comic that actually makes you think. Since I've killed so many brain cells over the years, I've come to appreciate shit like that.

Aside from the wordiness in the middle, there's really not much else to say about this issue. It's awesome on so many levels. It succeeds in taking what was set up in the first issue and building something greater on top of it. It didn't build as far as it could have. Most of this issue was spent expanding the scale of Sinister's plot. For some, it may feel like the story drags, but it's still as solid a read you'll get with an X-book. That's why I give Uncanny X-men #2 a 4.5 out of 5. This first arc is poised to blow the minds of every X-fan in a way that would land any partially attractive woman a role in Donald Trump's next reality show. It's not quite there yet, but it's close! And like my ex-girlfriend with her favorite shower head, I'm ready for the climax! Nuff said.