Yet Another (Pointless) Jean Grey/Dark Phoenix Teaser

Ever go to a party and come across one of those annoying guys who tells the same fucking joke over and over again as if it hasn't become more annoying than listening to Rosanne Barr's singing? Ever feel the urge to break an empty beer bottle over his head and rub the shards of glass into his eyes? Well don't worry. You're not a psychopath. You're normal.

Certain teasers for movies, comic books, and TV shows are a lot like that wannabe comedian at the party, except you can't break a beer bottle over a teasers head. If you could, every trailer that ever ended with the words like "never before seen" or "a journey like no other" would have irreversible brain damage. The same could be said for Marvel's trailers regarding Jean Grey. I know I use this image more than Lady Gaga uses lipstick, but it still gets the point across.

What I wouldn't give for a beer bottle.

There was a time when another Jean Grey teaser or Phoenix teaser or any teaser that involved Marvel and redheaded, green-eyed women would have launched me on a drunken rant that would have made Mel Gibson blush. But I thought we were beyond that. Marvel has already announced that Jean Grey (at least her teenage Original Five form) will be returning to the 616 universe after Avengers vs. X-men. This was not a ruse. Marvel has already released preview our and covers that confirm that there is no bullshit this time. Jean Grey will be returning to the Marvel Universe and will probably be exceedingly pissed about what's happened since she's been dead (and alive for that matter).

Okay, EVERYONE will probably be pissed.

But for some reason, Marvel's habit for Jean Grey teasers is almost as bad as my drinking. Just this past week, another teaser was released in the form of a variant cover for Avengers vs. X-men #12, which if you've been keeping track you know is the last issue of the event. It's not as blatant as the cover for Uncanny X-men #511. Actually, I think this shit is several levels above that. See for yourself.

Fuck, I'm going to need a bigger beer bottle!

It's not just a teaser. And if it's a joke, it would be like a joke about condoms at an abortion clinic. It's another Phoenix teaser, of which there have been plenty over the course of Avengers vs. X-men. But this isn't just any Phoenix. This is motherfucking Dark Phoenix! And it isn't just using Phoenix imagery. That's not fucking Hope Summers in the background. Hope Summers doesn't have legs that awesome, a rack that big, or eyes that ominous. Besides, Hope Summers has been shown on covers with the Phoenix before and they're at least a billion times less ominous.

Accept no substitutes and/or rip-off characters!

The teaser uses Jean Grey's image. Not Hope's. Not Madelyne Pryor's. Only Jean Grey fits that image and if Marvel isn't aware of that then they have way better booze than I ever will. It has led many comic news websites to ask if this is actually a hint that the Jean Grey that isn't a teenager will be making a comeback or at least an appearance. The fine folks at IGN put it nicely when they said "Sure, it could be Hope. I guess. But Hope doesn't have long billowy hair like that. This is obviously meant to evoke imagery of Jean, and if they pull a fast one and have it be someone else, well, that'd just be lame."

I'm not sure what to make of it other than Marvel just hoping to fuck with Jean Grey fans one last time before she comes back in All New X-men. I get it. They think that shit is fun. But there comes a time when teasers stop teasing and start annoying. Now don't get me wrong. I would love it if Jean Grey returned in Avengers vs. X-men #12 and used her Dark Phoenix might to bitch slap Hope for ripping her off all these years. But that shit would make way too much sense. Anyone who has been following this blog over the past few years knows Marvel doesn't do shit that makes sense even to a drunk. So for that, I'm content to look at this teaser in the same way I look at those AA pamphlets that list signs that you may have a drinking problem. I just ignore them and let someone else obsess over them until I figure out the cold hard truth for myself. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #272 - Too Much Talking and Not Enough Awesome

When it comes to a comic book that has fucked itself like a triple-jointed nymphomaniac acrobat, I'm usually pretty forgiving. I'm no fucking Gandhi, but I am a reasonable drunk if nothing else. I'm always willing to offer a second chance, whether it's with a comic or with someone who is sincerely sorry they smoked all my weed and took a shit on my couch. Now I've yet to see a comic book ever outright apologize for shitty issues. Marvel has never shown even the slightest remorse for shit like the Clone Saga or Chuck Austin's Uncanny X-men run. DC isn't much better, who still haven't apologized for that shitty Superboy Prime continuity punch. But I'm of the opinion that the best way for a comic to make up for shitty issues is to make the next issue extra awesome.

This extra awesome is vital for a series like X-men Legacy and not just because it's one of the many titles relaunching under the Marvel NOW! initiative. Anyone who read my review of X-men Legacy #271 should still have their assholes clenched at the thought of how fucked this title has become. At the onset of the Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins, X-men Legacy was the early gold standard. Now it's standards are lower than the producers of the Jersey Shore. It's one thing to just tell a shitty story. It's quite another to take an awesome character like Rogue and essentially cast her out from the shit storm that is AvX into some crazy world where a bunch of cat-people offer to bone her (both literally and figuratively). It was quite possibly the most forgettable tie-in in the history of tie-ins. I mean how the fuck do you go from fighting cosmic forces to fending off cat people that want to bone you? There isn't a magic mushroom in the world magical enough to conjure that shit.

But I am more than willing to give X-men Legacy #272 a shot. X-men Legacy has had it's ups and downs before, but it has a history of fighting it's way back, kicking my ass, and doing it in a way that gives me a serious boner (amongst other things). Now I'm not expecting an apology from Marvel or pictures of the asshole that lost the bar fight that led to this issue (although they would be much appreciated). But I would at least expect a story that is somewhat more memorable and somehow relevant in way that can't be forgotten with a single bong hit. That may be asking a lot. Then again, this is X-men Legacy. It does have a legacy to hold up and not just in name alone.

X-men Legacy #272 picks up after the overly predictable ending in the previous issue. Actually, it picks up AFTER that overly predictable ending hinted at some action. In the phantom pages between the end of X-men Legacy #271 and the first pages of X-men Legacy #272, Rogue is subdued by the cat people's arch enemies, the Swarm. We don't get to see the struggle. We don't get to see much of anything aside from the the king of the cat people thinking this pretty girl who they offered their finest studs wasn't as good as her rack made her out to be. The only action we get is when we catch up with Rogue while she's being marched away with the Swarm while they try to influence her with their hive mind. She tries to break free, but fails without much of a battle. It's as exciting as it sounds.

If you thought it couldn't get more predictable, then clearly you have awesome weed because the first thing the Swarm does is take Rogue to their queen and the source of the hive mind. That's like giving North Korean gangsters your passport and credit card info. Shit is not going to turn out well. The queen tries force her into the Swarm's hive mind (again). And (again) she fails miserably and Rogue fights her way out. Since she doesn't have her Miss Marvel powers, there's nothing really spectacular about it. It's just a hot girl running from a pack of monsters. You can pretty much get the same shit from EVERY slasher movie ever made.

Since she's not armed with the same power as before, the Swarm subdues her (yet again). At this point, no amount of weed is enough to make you overlook the growing trend here. The queen tries (yet again) to bring Rogue into their collective hive mind. But instead of another epic struggle, we get something that different that actually ends up being more boring if you can believe that.

The queen takes Rogue into a psychic journey of sorts that's about as exciting as a staring contest between a couple of dead fish. She explains with some very shitty visuals the joys of being part of a hive mind. It's pretty much everything you hear from North Korean propaganda. Everybody is on the same team. There are no secrets. Everybody has a common goal. Nobody is better than everybody else except for some great leader who probably jerks off behind the scenes while everyone else suffers. It's not quite as vile as Nazi collectivism and to the credit of the queen, she tries to paint it as a good thing. But it's all just needlessly wordy and any reader that isn't part of a Mormon cult won't take it seriously.

Rogue responds with an equally wordy, equally predictable rebuttal. It basically amounts to "being a mindless drone sucks" and "thinking for yourself is awesome." It all sounds so nice, like something you would see in a Mitt Romney add, minus the subtle racism. But again, it's so painfully predictable and bland that you really don't even have to read it. You can just assume Rogue reads from a script of every evil empire vs. freedom loving hero story ever made and it's pretty much the same thing. Rogue doesn't say anything that stands out aside from the queen, the great leader of the hive mind, keeping secrets. They're probably not as bad as Kim Jong Ill's porno collection, but to make the queen ditch the whole "free will is overrated debate." It's probably for the best.

The queen orders the Swarm to attack Rogue and the one other Swarm that tried to corrupt her earlier, who may have overheard the queen's dirty little secret. So he/she or whatever the fuck qualifies as a gender for these things is like the guy who walked in on Sadam Hussein while he was masturbating to pictures of Hillary Clinton. He might as well not exist. The attack isn't all that spectacular. Instead of fighting back this time, Rogue just decides to play dead and allows herself and the unfortunate Swarm to fall into a canyon. Of course they survive because this comic just wasn't predictable enough I guess. If you're still awake at this point, consider yourself lucky.

After the rest of the Swarm are confident they're dead, Rogue and the now excommunicated Swarm break out. Rogue is even nice enough to completely cut his link from the hive mind. This is probably as traumatic as cutting off a teenage girl from her Facebook account. This helps reveal a secret that really shouldn't be very startling. This whole war between the cat people and the Swarm is nothing more than a theater between a couple of power-hungry monarchs. It would be a great twist if there was at least some indication that there was a mystery behind it. That shit was never even hinted at so when you find out, it has about as much impact as another sex scandal involving a gay-bashing politician and male prostitute.

So all we really find out in this debate between individualism and collectivism is that authority figures are dicks and war is just one big joke. It's almost as if Rogue was nothing more than a prop in that joke. This doesn't really feel like her journey anymore. It's a sci-fi cookie cutter story that offers nothing new or compelling. Rogue now has to stop a war between two alien races and it has absolutely nothing to do with the events of Avengers vs. X-men. If this issue was meant to rescue the series from obscurity and make up for the previous issue, it failed miserably.

When I finished reading the last issue, my first response was to bang my head against the wall and swallow copious amounts of sleeping pills. My reaction to this issue was similar, but I didn't need the sleeping pills. This issue was dull and boring enough to be a fucking Ambien commercial. Rogue was yanked out of Avengers vs. X-men and thrust into the middle of an alien war. Yet this issue made it look as though she was in the middle of a republican primary debate. It was mostly talk, a philosophical debate on the merits of collectivism vs. individualism. Of freedom vs. order. Now I'm all for philosophical debates after ingesting a certain amount of LSD, but shit like this has no place in a fucking comic book arc about an alien war. It's not like a new twist was put on this argument either. Being in a collective is boring. Being individualistic is chaotic. The connections between this and Avengers vs. X-men were more loose than the shit in an Indian public restroom. That makes this issue all the more forgettable and only half as nauseating.

At least with the previous issue, we had some funny and memorable moments. I still laugh when I recall the look on Rogue's face when she was offered to bone some of the finest studs the cat people have to offer. But this issue had no boning, no hints at boning, and embarrassing moments for Rogue. It was just her talking and getting the two opposing sides to talk. That's about as exciting as it sounds. There's not a single memorable moment or a memorable piece of dialog. You could probably take the speech of any Republican politician, minus the racist, anti-gay, and anti-woman innuendo, and paste it into Rogue's dialog here on the merits of individual free will and there won't be much difference. You would think Rogue would at least show some of her trademark sass in the face of an alien war, but we get none of that shit here.

Now I'm not giving up on X-men Legacy. I still love this series, but I'm ready for this fucking arc to be over. This issue and the previous issue were boring, forgettable, and dull. The only good thing I can say about them is that they haven't butchered any characters or done any major damage to the rest of X-men Legacy or the X-books as a whole. In that sense, it's nowhere nearly as fucked up as every Ultimate title at the moment. It's just completely useless and not worth picking up. And with no cat people dongs to save it, I can only give X-men Legacy #272 a 1.5 out of 5. It's boring. It's dull. There's really no reason for this issue or this arc to exist other than trying to subtly influence comic fans into voting Republican. In that sense, comics like this aren't just bad. They're a Republican conspiracy. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #17 - Containing Cosmic Awesome

How do you contain a power that's far greater than your own? And I'm not talking about the kind of power an overprotective father has for his hot, sexually repressed daughter with a loaded shotgun wields. That kind of shit can be dealt with easily by just buying the guy a beer, stealing the firing pin of his guns, and making sure his daughter isn't too rough when she breaks out the handcuffs (I did say she was repressed). Shit like cosmic entities that torches planets and corrupts pretty redheads for fun are a bit tougher to handle. The events of Avengers vs. X-men have shown that in graphic detail. In fact, the entire premise of Act 3 is based on the notion that the Phoenix Force is like that devious nerd we all knew back in high school who liked to Photoshop naked pictures of people and spread them throughout the school, ruining relationships, reputations, and in some cases incurring the wrath of republican politicians. We can all assume that nerd is still laughing his ass off somewhere. We don't quite know what the Phoenix Force is doing behind the scenes, but we can be pretty sure it's getting quite a cosmic boner from the shit storm it's causing.

But if ever there was a time in Avengers vs. X-men where the Phoenix actually had a reason to feel threatened, it would definitely be at the hands of Sinister. This is a guy crazy enough to make himself a fucking species and smart enough to hot-wire a Celestial and use it to make his own subterranean tribute to Victorian era London. There's probably a lot of awesome shit you could do with a Celestial, but like I said Sinister is crazy. Making an army of hot robot chicks in the mold of Carmen Electra and Scarlett Johanssen just doesn't appeal to him. Furthermore, we learned in the previous two issues of Uncanny X-men that he had been using this Celestial tech for far more pragmatic purposes. He was using it to prepare for an eventual attack by the Phoenix. And as the events of Uncanny X-men #16 showed, he prepared pretty fucking well.

Now this little side-quest for the Phoenix Five took place early on in Act 2 before Namor couldn't hold his wad anymore and gave Wakanda a cosmic money shot. For reasons that weren't explained and I can only assume involved an artist, distributor, or editor getting drunk and losing a bar fight, this arc was delayed. Despite Avengers vs. X-men entering Act 3 with only two remaining Phoenix wielders, this story takes place when the Phoenix Five are still the Phoenix Five. I bring this up because it has an unfortunate side-effect on the story that I'll explain a bit later. But first, I need to take a few shots of tequila and detail what has gone down with Sinister and his twisted troops in this late yet welcome installment.

Uncanny X-men #17 begins with Sinister enjoying a full fledged victory boner. In the last issue, he actually managed to subdue the Phoenix Five with a potent mix of Celestial tech, clone armies, and balls almost as big as Donald Trump's ego. The Phoenix Five are understandably annoyed, but even a menacing cosmic force isn't enough to stop Sinister from gloating. Like the pimp referenced in every Ice-T song, he celebrates how awesome he is with a fine glass of whine and a symphony. If that's all he wanted to do, I think there are easier ways to go about it. I'm pretty sure certain mixes of drugs can help, but I guess Sinister thinks this is less boring.

In addition to flexing his Sinister balls, he reveals that Extinction Team including Storm, Psylocke, and Magneto followed them into his tribute twisted Victorian domain. In the previous issue, they reasoned that even a cosmic force would have difficulty in dealing with Sinister. It's not an unreasonable assertion. This is a guy who if you sent him to hell, he might end up date raping Satan himself if it meant screwing with the X-men. They followed the Phoenix Five down into Sinister's lair (against Cyclops's orders mind you) and arrive to find some of Sinister's various clone armies hungry to kill them. Unfortunately, Sinister's standards for clones are lower than that for a supporting role in a movie starring Tom Arnold. He cloned Sabretooth, whose mind is easily fucked with by hot Asian psychics like Psylocke.

Once Sinister's pets are effectively chasing their tales and/or humping the nearest couch, they're left to confront the same forces that Sinister used to take down the Phoenix Five. They seem to understand fully how stupid that is, but they do come up with a plan. Or at least Unit does, who has been hijacking Danger for a number of issues now. But don't tell Congressman Akin. He'll probably argue it's not a "legitimate hijacking." But even if Unit is a douche, he's reasonable enough to conclude that allowing Sinister to wield the Phoenix Force is like giving crystal meth to a pack of angry wolves. So using Danger, they formulate a plan to infiltrate Sinister's lair and disrupt his clone army. To do this Danger does a little robot/hot chick action and turns into a kick ass ninja suit for Psylocke. I'm not sure if this counts as lesbian porn, but if it does I want to see more.

It sounds like a good plan, at least for Psylocke and Danger. Unfortunately for Storm and Magneto, they're stuck providing the distraction. That's like being the first doctor that rejects a prescription for Charlie Sheen. You're going to be a big target and you're going to be overwhelmed in ways that'll make your ass hurt. Storm and Magneto do fine against Sinister's army of Vitorian style minions, but then Sinister throws a very volatile redhead NOT named Jean Grey OR Hope Summers. Remember those Madelyne Pryor clones? Well it turns out (without too much of an explanation mind you), that they were the ones that subdued the Phoenix Five and now they're using their cosmic flames to carry out Sinister's whims. And since Sinister is parading around like the top pimp, that means the Pryor clones are the hos which means Storm nor Magneto last about as long as a line of cocaine at Lindsey Lohan's house.

The Pryor clones easily subdue them both while removing Magneto's helmet in the process, allowing them to psychically control him. Now using him as a meat puppet, they hunt down Psylocke. This seems a bit redundant. They're tapping the power of the fucking Phoenix Force for crying out loud. Wouldn't it be easier to just subdue her by telekinetically tightening her thong until it splits her in half? But since Sinister is controlling them, you can't rely on that kind of logic. But once again, Psylocke reminds Sinister and the entire comic world that she's not just a hot Asian chick. She's a fucking ninja and she evades the onslaught while taking out Magneto. We get it, Psylocke. You're a ninja. Now can you let my balls go so I can finish jerking off?

Unfortunately, the plan to attack Sinister's control over his clones falls apart. Danger, who is still hijacked by Unit, finds out that Sinister's tech is every bit as awesome as he claims. Unlike Donald Trump, the shit he builds is actually as awesome as he thinks it is. He orders that the X-men run away because they have no such hope against ego like that. It gives Sinister even more reason to gloat, which at this point is becoming so overblown that he could inflate all the tits in Las Vegas. But in that gloating, he leaves himself vulnerable because let's face it. There's only so much you an focus on when you're effectively proving to the world that you've got the biggest dick in the universe.

Utilizing that snide attitude that makes scrotums shrivel and cosmic forces take notice, Emma Frost uses her telepathy to reach out to the Phoenix Force. She basically points out that being used by Sinister is only slightly more humiliating than having that video of yourself humping a statue of Ronald McDonald uploaded to youtube. Even a cosmic force seems to understand that shit and finally gets off its ass to do something.

At last, Sinister has to stop gloating and start shitting himself. The Phoenix Force starts breaking free of Sinister's control, causing the Pryor clones to mess up in ways that probably makes Emma's panties wet. Sinister does his best to try and fix it. Finally, he fails miserably. Maybe if he wasn't so busy gloating and sipping wine he would have figured out that Emma Frost's influence on the Phoenix would catch up with him. At last, he actually looks like he's not the ultimate pimp and starts looking like a kid watching his older brother flush his stash of Playboys down the toilet.

This is all very satisfying, but it does leave one detail out. What the fuck was Sinister trying to do with the Phoenix anyways? Did he think he could control it forever? I get the guy has an ego, but he can't be that fucking stupid. If he did have a plan, it's never hinted at or explored. He just wanted to have a cosmic force swinging from his nuts for a while and that was it.

The Phoenix reminds him in a very painfully spectacular manner that they don't appreciate being ornaments for his balls. Once they break free from his control, they remind them that the Phoenix Force is capable of taking and entire planet and wiping it's ass with it. It doesn't really care for shit that it thinks doesn't work or is in it's way. And unfortunately for Sinister, he happens to be both. So in a glorious attack of cosmic flame, they burn Sinister to a crisp like a deep fried turkey. At last, that gloating grin has been wiped off his face and all it took was a little cosmic mojo.

The Phoenix Five and the Extinction Team return to the surface. Cyclops claims Sinister is dead, but for a guy that turned himself entire an entire fucking species that's about as likely as Rick Santorum becoming a Muslim. Even if he isn't dead, he's no longer in a position to fuck with them. That means the Phoenix Five can go back to fucking with the Avengers. Damn, I miss Sinister already. Excuse me while I take another shot of tequila.

Every time there's a story where a big name villain is apparently defeated, most fans yawn. Like whenever Jean Grey dies, you know it's only a matter of time before they're brought back or replaced by shitty replacement characters. Fans know that comic companies aren't in the business of throwing away awesome characters. Sinister may be creepier than Michael Jackson's parenting skills, but there's no denying his awesome or his legacy. He's the kind of guy who will watch a bunch of Phoenix-wielding superheroes attack him while sipping a glass of imported Pinot Noir. He showed that special level of classy evil in this arc, so his defeat really didn't feel that final. That's why his defeat in this comic felt so satisfying.

What made this arc and the plot with Sinister so intriguing was that he was able to give the Phoenix Five a serious challenge that didn't involve a mindless superhero mash-up. There were no Avengers or innocent bystanders in this battle. It was all Sinister, showing how he could organize himself into an entire fucking species and coordinate that species to at least temporarily control the Phoenix Force. But he wasn't the only one who shined. Psylocke showed on two different occasions that there may be something to the stereotype of hot Asian women in tight outfits being ninjas. Both she and Danger were able to kick ass in that special way that'll make you smile and give you a boner. It helped make the story feel like it was about the Extinction Team and not just the Phoenix Five. Given how the seeds of this story were sewn way back in the first arc, it comes together beautifully here and is capped off in spectacular cosmic fashion.

The only lingering flaw in this arc is the extent of Sinister's plan. I get that Sinister is more mentally unstable than Tom Cruise at a psychiatry convention. But the overall plot was left feeling somewhat incomplete even after Sinister was defeated. We still don't know what the hell he was trying to do with controlling the Phoenix Force. Was he just doing it for shits and giggles? Or was he just sick of paying his electric bill and wanted to use the Phoenix Force as a free source of lighting? Either way is equally likely because his intentions really weren't clear. It just comes off as a basic, "I'm an evil asshole and I want to control the forces of a god so the world can suck my big, holy cock" type story. That's okay in some instances, but given Kieron Gillen's level of skill it's somewhat of a disappointment.

Never-the-less, Uncanny X-men #17 was a fun, entertaining conclusion to an arc that took a break from all this bullshit superhero ball busting. It continued Kieron Gillen's legacy of telling compelling, cohesive X-men stories. While I'm excited about Brian Bendis's role on All New X-men, books like this make me sad and in need of another shot of heroin because they remind me he's leaving. I give Uncanny X-men #17 a 4 out of 5. So once again, Sinister is defeated. But like herpes, he always finds a way to come back. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #271 - Utterly Forgettable (Except For Naked Cat Men)

When I was in high school, I missed my share of awesome parties for a number of extremely unawesome reasons. One time some dick-cheese who probably got sick of me beating his ass at beer pong once slipped roofies into my whiskey. Not only did I miss the party, I woke up naked in my high school locker spooning a tuba that I stole from the music department. Sometimes I missed a party for reasons that resulted in much less brain damage. One time in college, my stoner roommate gave me the wrong directions to a party and we ended up on a Mormon compound with this crazy preacher guy saying that we'll find god in his rectum. I'm not sure if that's exactly what he said, but he was speaking in tongues so I'm pretty sure his rectum was part of it. My point is, if there's any point to begin with, is that missing a party sucks balls and that extends to comics.

X-men Legacy has delivered some damn good tie-ins with Avengers vs. X-men so far. We've seen Frenzy butcher a bunch of ruthless African warlords while dealing with some unresolved childhood issues in the process. We've also seen Rogue and Miss Marvel fight in a ways that could only have been more awesome if they did so in their underwear. In the last issue, Rogue's unwavering support of the Phoenix Five finally caught up to her when she found out they were imprisoning Avengers in a little slice of Limbo run by Magik. That's like making Ted Bundy the head of a sorority house. It was pretty fucking gruesome, but Rogue only ended up screwing herself out of the party when she attempted to free Miss Marvel and tell her she was right.

This led to Magik, being a merciful teenage girl with god-like power after all, to cast Rogue into some pocket dimension that James Cameron probably birthed when he was high on shrooms. It's an effective way of dealing with someone who wasn't afriad to get naked with Magneto. But at the same time, it takes Rogue and X-men Legacy by default out of the Avenger vs. X-men story. It's like being in the middle of open heart surgery and stopping to do a pap smear for Courtney Love. One isn't related to the other and each can be equally disastrous. Now I love seeing Rogue shine in crazy alternate worlds, but not during the middle of a big story. It's like taking a shit and jerking off at the same time. One sort of defeats the other.

Never-the-less, X-men Legacy #271 promises to show off Rogue's trademark awesome in all the right ways. It has her landing right in the middle of a battle between a couple of stereotypical alien hoards. Okay, so maybe stereotypical is a loaded term when you're referring to hoards. One looks like a hoard of disgusting insects. One looks like a hoard of Thundercats ripoffs. Since the insects don't have anyone nearly as hot as Cheetara, it's probably safe to assume that the cat people are the good guys.

As is the case for any hero that gets caught up in an alien war, they don't know which side to root for at this point. They usually have to wait until some hulking monster attacks them and decides for them. Well if you were hoping for this comic to buck the tend, go back to hoping they'll have gay marriage in Saudi Arabia because there's nothing surprising here. A very bland and very generic green hulking monster that looks like a prototype version of Swamp Thing (that or a very large glob of Hulk's semen) attacks Rogue and since she's still armed with Miss Marvel's powers, she blasts right through it and doesn't even get her hair messy. In an issue of X-men Legacy, we just can't have that now can we?

But Rogue doesn't stick around to find out who else the Hulk rip-off was attacking. She opts for some peace in quiet in what looks like an LSD trip into Wonderland. There's some light inner monologue here, but it's nothing too memorable. She just thinks the same shit anyone would think if they ended up on an alien planet, minus the part where they shit their pants. There isn't much talk about the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Hell, you wouldn't even know that shit is still going on if you were careless and/or high. If that weren't bad enough, the story continues to be overly predictable. Rogue is attacked yet again, this time by one of the cat people. He's no Cheetara or Lion-O, but I guess Marvel is saving their pet fetishes for the next big event featuring Squirrel Girl.

Rogue and her attacker exchange a few blows. The attacker is speaking an alien language so she doesn't know what the fuck he's saying. Probably something along the lines of "Whoever shaved that pussy must have been messed up." Or maybe that's just what an alien would think after seeing Kathey Bates get a fresh Brazilian. Either way, Rogue breaks the guys sword when he strikes her and he happens to conveniently graze her in the process, allowing her to absorb the creature enough to learn his language. It's nice that Gage takes the time to do those little things that most writers overlooked since there was a time when every comic writer thought the universe spoke English. But it's pretty fucking convenient and predictable in a comic that already has plenty of that shit.

The guy whose sword she just broke in a totally non-dick joke way is upset, but then one of his associates calls him off. Seeing someone break a sword and learn a language in a second is something that apparently impresses these creatures. He was among those who saw her kick that green monsters ass and the king of their little cat-race (whose not named Lion-O I imagine), was so impressed that he sent out a search party to find her. Rogue's new cat friend explains that they're in the middle of a war (as if that shit wasn't already apparent enough) with a race called the Swarm. It's as unoriginal as it sounds. They're basically just uglier versions of the Borg in that they try to assimilate minds into a collective hive. Apparently, these creatures have a problem with that and are at war trying to stop them. He asks Rogue for her help and she's reluctant at first, but then he says his people have some mystical shit that could help get her back home. That sure gets her attention and she agrees to help. Again, none of this shit should surprise anyone who has read more than three comic books in their life.

Rogue is brought back to their base. She meets the king, who is kind of a dick to her. But then again, what ruler isn't these days? His subordinate says she's an Alpha, which is their version of a badass warrior that you want to follow when you're at war with a bunch of creepy insects. The king still doesn't seem convinced and decides to give Rogue. Her new biggest fan takes her to a private room where she can rest. This leads to one of the only entertaining aspects of the issue in that in addition to the bed, she offers her the pick of the litter in terms of studs. He even has them whip out their dongs to prove their worth. Rogue, being too polite or not in touch with her inner cat fetish, respectfully declines. You have to imagine that if it was a man in her place and he was offered his pick of beautiful cat-women, he would fuck them regardless of whether or not he had a cat fetish.

Now I forgot pretty much all the events in the pages preceding this one, but this one is definitely memorable in a special way. Rogue, who has always attracted some crazy characters from Magneto to Gambit, has a way of making sexy entertaining in a way that'll make you laugh and give you a boner. As I speak, there are probably fanfiction writers out there working on a story that has Rogue in an orgy of cat-men. That's how you now you've got a memorable scene and in a comic that's been pretty boring thus far, it's a welcome sight.

Unfortunately, that's the only part of the comic that's worth remembering. Not much else happens. Once Rogues goes to sleep without partaking in cat-man dong, some of the insect creatures sneak into her bedroom and attack (with no explanation mind you). She begins fighting them off, but runs out of Miss Marvel power in the process. So she's essentially screwed and the comic ends on a cliffhanger. Again, if any part of that surprises you, see a doctor. You've clearly had one too many concussions and a blood vessel may have just popped.

After reading this issue, only two questions went through my mind. "What the fuck does this have to do with Avengers vs. X-men" and "Who the fuck drank all my whiskey?" I have some solid leads on the latter, but I'm utterly stumped on the former. This is exactly what I feared after the last issue of X-men Legacy. Behind running out of booze and weed, a comic series that crashes and burns in the middle of a big event is always one of my greatest fears. Granted, this is just a tie-in, but since this series had made for some really solid tie-ins to date this issue is a major kick in the balls. Rogue makes friends with some aliens and kicks a very small amount of ass and she gets a chance to channel her inner cat fetish. That's about it.

There are a lot of things wrong with this issue. The inner monologue is bland. The dialog is mediocre. Rogue's sassy nature does show, but it sure as hell doesn't shine like it usually does in an issue of X-men Legacy. The whole alien conflict is bland and generic without so much as a hint of there being a twist of sorts. Hell, it might as well have been ripped from an episode of Star Trek or the Green Lantern cartoon. It's like Gage got stoned and watched Thundercats reruns for inspiration. I'm all for ripping off quality shows, but I would at least try to make it so it's more interesting. Aside from some of those cat warriors showing off their dongs for Rogue, there was nothing compelling about this premise.

This issue fails for the same reason the John Carter movie failed, minus the shitty marketing and overbloated budget. It tries to be epic, but lacks the substance behind it to be epic. At least John Carter had flashy visuals that you can watch while stoned and still have a good time. I got stoned and read this comic and about halfway through I set it aside to get some Twinkies. When a comic can't hold the interest of someone who's stoned, something done gone horribly wrong. Rogue still kicked some ass and she got to have a humorous LOL moment with the cat warrior studs. But this is an utterly forgettable issue that has no effect on Avengers vs. X-men and offers little chance for character development. I give X-men Legacy a 1.5 out of 5. Unless your a Furrey or into bestiality, you have no reason to pick up this issue. Of course if you're either, I'm sure there are other outlets for your interests and I'd rather not know about them. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men #9 - Mounting Loss and Escalating Awesome

When I have a few bad days, I tend to take it out on oversized bottles of hard liquor and/or my dick depending on how much porn I have available. When I'm in an especially bad mood, I purposefully take a shit in a bag and purposefully throw it at things I usually enjoy like movies, comics, and Jehova's Witnesses stupid enough to knock on my door when I'm hung over. So if I sound like I'm a bit more abrasive than usual with my reviews, you know the reason. I'm still a bit hung over so be thankful that it's not possible to show the chunks I blow in between the text. I say this not only to warn my lovely readers, but because it also happens to be relevant on some levels if you can believe that.

The pages of Avengers vs. X-men have read like someone getting progressively more drunk on their 21st birthday while half their friends tell them to stop and the other half cheer them on. Those lucky drunks in the making have been the Phoenix Five...well, I guess they're the Phoenix Four now because one of them couldn't handle their Phoenix in the same way some can't handle their alcohol and they tapped out. But now that has only emboldened the four remaining Phoenix Five and like those celebrating drunks, they're even more encouraged to do more shots.

We've seen a steady shift in the Phoenix Five/Four's mission plan. They started off so noble, seeking to end all war and create a global utopia where Rick Santorum would be in an insane asylum and every hippie on the planet would be forced to shut up and take a fucking shower. But in order to gain that utopia, they've started acting like cosmic dicks. The latest issue of X-men Legacy showed how they've decided to handle the captured Avengers by throwing them into a literal slice of hell in the form of Limbo, which also happens to be Magik's old stomping ground. In Wolverine and the X-men, we see what happens when one of them gets cock blocked by an ex-lover. Like anyone with sufficient alcohol in their system, they overact and pick a fight. Yet like the idiot in the bar who can't resist taking on drunks, the Avengers continue to attack.

Avengers vs. X-men #9 is an issue where the losses continue to mount. The Avengers have basically been holding up in K'un L'un for over a week now and in the process have found many ways to get their asses kicked. One-by-one, they keep losing prisoners to the Phoenix Four. Their latest lost this time was Thor, who fell at the hands of Magik and Colossus. I imagine in the process they said "Who's worthy now, motherfucker?" But in Russian, of course. Narrating how fucked they are is Spider-Man because let's face it, when you're getting your ass kicked by people with god-like powers the best source of commentary is a guy who sold his marriage to a fucking devil. He doesn't say much other than the Avengers are wounded and they're running out of shit to throw at the Phoenix.

Now you would think the Phoenix Four would be sitting on more confidence than the Men's Olympic basketball team when they're facing Trinidad. They now have more power than before, they keep imprisoning more Avengers, and they're making the world a global utopia. Yet somehow, that shit still isn't enough. But it's not entirely out of spite. The added power does have some unfortunate side-effects. Cyclops finds this out when she visits Emma in an Ethiopian desert because what better place for a hot cosmic blond to work on her tan than Ethiopia? She tells Cyclops that now she can sense every mind on the planet. She can't filter them out and she's basically learning everybody's secrets. So that basically means she now knows what every man on the planet wants to do with her tits and ass. Even for a cosmic being, that's not a pleasant thing to deal with.

But Cyclops doesn't seem to care that much that his beautiful, cosmic girlfriend is dealing with some shit. The moment she tells him she's located Hope in K'un L'un, Cyclops bolts like a guy who just found out he impregnated Ted Nugant's daughter. It's not the most negligent thing a guy can do to his girlfriend, but it's right up there under buying her the wrong tampons. Emma actually seems to beg Cyclops to stay because she knows she can't be stopped. She even demonstrates how fucked up she is by finding some random guy who killed a mutant 17 years ago and killing him in front of his family. When there are no secrets and no subtleties, you just can't help but be painfully (and brutally) blunt.

We then take some time to revisit the other murder scene that the Phoenix visited. In the last issue, Wakanda was left completely decimated by Namor, who was desperately seeking a way to get into Emma's panties before she went too crazy. He failed miserably and left Black Panther the king of a ruined nation. So when Storm, his chosen queen, drops by to pay him a visit, he's more than a little pissed. It's one thing for a wife to root against your favorite football team during Monday Night Football. It's quite another when she sides with the guys who destroyed your whole fucking country. Storm tries to calmly tell him that she was not at all for the Phoenix destroying a country. He responds not just by ignoring her pleas, but by ANNULLING THEIR FUCKING MARRIAGE. Yes, I'm shouting when I say that because that's exactly what Black Panther does.

Now this is a monumental moment because when it comes to marriages, Black Panther and Storm rank right up there with Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson as relationships that should have ended way sooner. I can't think of many Storm or Black Panther fans that were excited about this marriage. Hell, these two barely interacted until after House of M when this elaborate love story between them was basically pulled out of the collective asses of several writers. It was a bullshit kind of love that had nowhere near the impact of a Cyclops/Jean Grey, Reed/Sue, or Peter Parker/Mary Jane. Hell Iron man and She-Hulk had more chemistry than these two. While Black Panther could easily go back on his word and they could still end up married in the end, it's a moment to savor for fans who think this marriage was a big fucking mistake to begin with.

Marital issues aside, Storm does manage to convince Black Panther to tag along with the Avengers as they stage a rescue from the Limbo prison that was introduced in the pages of X-men Legacy. They even enlist help from Professor Xavier, who has finally gotten off his uncrippled ass and decided to help out in this event. He's about several issues late to the party, but I guess being that late is only egregious when it's your girlfriend's period. They enter Limbo under the guise of a cloak so they can avoid all the horrific worm monsters that look like the nests of pubic lice infesting an Indian hooker's snatch. You know full well that this shit isn't going to last.

As soon as Magik and Colossus detect the intrusion, they pile it on the Avengers like a constipated elephant that just ingested ten barrels of laxatives. Again, it's pretty lopsided. Not only are these undermanned Avengers trying to take on two X-men armed with cosmic power, they're trying to do it within their hellish domain. They might as well try to box Ivan Drago naked in Siberia during the middle of winter. It's a battle as well depicted as any other during the course of Avengers vs. X-men. Thankfully, however, things are mixed up a bit and from an unlikely source no less.

Now I know I give Spider-Man a lot of shit on this blog. I keep making jokes about One More Day when most fans have been reasonable enough to get over it. I called his latest movie something you should only watch after sustaining heavy brain damage. But believe it or not, I still have love for the guy. He's an iconic superhero. I'll never debate that. He also has the kind of balls that not only get him regular pussy from women like Mary Jane, but also allow him to go up against two Phoenix powered X-men while the rest of the Avengers free the prisoners. The battle isn't just one sided. At one point Spider-Man looks like one of those plastic toy soldiers after you've left them in the microwave for several minutes too long. Colossus and Magik easily beat up on him. Colossus urges him to stay down while Magik encourages her brother to end his wall-crawling ass. It leads to a moment of cunning that could have made the Amazing Spider-Man movie a billion times more awesome.

Using his wit more than his webs, Spider-Man encourages more bickering between Colossus and Magik. They're already brother and sister, so you know they're going to have some animosity between them for having shared both a womb and the same pair of tits. Plus, Colossus has been a bit damaged lately after his date with Kitty Pryde turned out only slightly less disastrous than the last two Jurassic Park sequels. So when Magik tells him to embrace having the authority of a fucking cosmic being, he's going to have a problem like that. And like any older brother that's ever had an annoying sister, he's not afraid to fight back either. That's exactly what they do while Spider-Man is counting how many broken bones he has.

This results in Limbo erupting in a way that would probably give Mephisto a slight boner. The Avengers are able to escape with their friends in hand, but in the process Colossus and Magik bloody each other to a point where they each knock the Phoenix out of one another. Just as with Namor, the resulting defeat causes their Phoenix Force shred to leave them and join the remaining hosts, Cyclops and Emma. It's another powerful moment that shows the Avengers still finding a way to screw themselves even when they're victorious. The only real problem here is we don't actually see that battle. We don't get to see Colossus and Magik unleash their sibling brawl. Its' all pretty much done off-panel before the eruption. After how epic the battle in Wakanda was with the previous issue, that's pretty disappointing.

It's still hard to count this shit as a victory because now they have two more Phoenix hosts left and they're more powerful than ever. But they still got their prisoners back so despite being wounded, the Avengers are back at full strength. They should still take at least one moment to pat themselves on the back, but they don't even get a chance to do something that basic because Cyclops shows up. Since Emma told him where Hope is, he had no problem finding it now that he has some extra Phoenix power. He doesn't arrive to just throw the Avengers back in Limbo though. He just shows up to tell Hope that this whole "rubbing elbows with the enemy" phase has gotten old and she needs to come home. It still sounds like an angry parent trying to discipline a rebellious teenager, but even with a cosmic force any reasonable minded person would know that shit is a losing battle.

This was a landmark issue and not just because of the usual cosmic caliber awesome that Avengers vs. X-men has consistently delivered since the beginning. It was a landmark issue in that it finally allowed Storm fans to rejoice. At last, she's no longer bound by this ridiculously contrived sham of a marriage that is only slightly more relevant than Paulie Shore's movie career. I could several entire posts describing all the ways that Storm's marriage to Black Panther was the most bullshit relationship Marvel has ever done since they played the incest card with Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch in Ultimate. I'll only say that it was a marriage that never should have been done and should have been annulled before the guests had enough time to get drunk. Now Marvel could still pretty much retcon this shit and have Storm and Black Panther kiss and make up. That would be a cosmic level dick move, but at least for a moment we would have a Storm that isn't tied to this shitty excuse for a marriage.

Beyond the Storm/Black Panther part, the rest of the issue was another cunning thrill ride that tipped the balance at just the right time when it needed to be tipped. The Avengers were getting their asses handed to them with way too much ease lately. Now finally, they manage to outwit the Phoenix and free their fellow Avengers from a fate only slightly worse than having to be Tommy Lee's urologist. Plus, Spider-Man gets battered and bloodied in the process. Anyone still bitter about One More Day should love that. But even with the Avengers having freed their friends, they still have to worry about a Phoenix powered Cyclops and Emma Frost, now fully imbued with a double dose of Phoenix power. And since Emma seems to be in the process of losing her mind, that doesn't bode well for either side. Emma's vindictiveness is only matched by her bra size.

The only issue I had with this comic was that it felt a bit too condensed at times. I get that a lot happened in a short span of time, but some details were just too juicy to leave out. Like the battle between Colossus and Magik was only revealed in a flash. We didn't get one panel of them struggling against one another in an epic brother/sister battle that would only be matched by a cage fight with the Baldwin brothers. We only saw the end result. It still had plenty of flare, but it definitely left you wanting more in the same way being dragged out of a strip club with a thick wad of singles still in your pocket has you wanting more.

Avengers vs. X-men has been at it for 9 issues by now. It's already exceeded the length of Fear Itself, Secret Invasion, and House of M. Yet somehow each issue has found a way to become progressively more awesome. That shit is extremely rare in an event comic, let alone any comic. Yet somehow Marvel is pulling it off. It leaves me more excited than a crack head in a Colombian cocoa factory, but at the same time it leaves me anxious because big events have fizzled before. Fear Itself is the most recent example. It would be a billion times more tragic if this event did the same. But so far, it's measuring up like an elephant at a dick measuring contest. With three issues left, I hope it stays that way. Avengers vs. X-men #9 gets a 4.5 out of 5. The Phoenix is now inhabiting two people who have both fought each other and boned each other. It'll either make for the most epic of blood baths or the most awesome of pornos. Either way, the last few issues are sure to leave many dicks hard and many panties soaked. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #270 - Prisoners of Awesome

There are many different interpretations of Hell. Whether you're religious, non-religious, or one of those new age hippies that thinks trees can write poetry you have some idea of what a shitty death would entail. For a guy like me who has done as much as any drunk to reserve a spot Satan's anus, Hell is being stuck in traffic on a hot summer day while listening to Rush Limbaugh for all eternity with no weed. Some still prefer the fire and brimstone classics as depicted by middle eastern goat herders or Italian poets, but the Marvel universe has always offered a colorful blend of hellish imagery. While Marvel does plenty to ensure they don't piss of the Ned Flanders's off the world, they do know how to paint a pretty hellish image.

The latest Avengers vs. X-men tie-in with X-men Legacy didn't start with any hellish imagery. It involved two powerful women, Rogue and Miss Marvel, beating the shit out of each other over a petty disagreement involving the merits of the Phoenix Five's whole Pax Utopia policy. Or maybe they were arguing over who Johnny Depp would go down on first. It could really be either, but it made for an epic brawl between two characters that had a long list of reasons to beat each other up. It was so entertaining that it was more heavenly than hellish. But then at the end, Rogue was basically smacked upside the head with the equivalent of a bloody dildo when Magik showed up and revealed what the Phoenix Five was doing to captured Avengers. They weren't throwing them in jail or giving them any of that due process shit that the pussies at the ACLU whine about. They were throwing their asses into a little slice of Limbo they had brought to Earth.

Now for those of you playing the home game, Limbo isn't the Marvel equivalent of Hell but it's pretty damn close. It's hot, desolate, dangerous, and full of monsters. Hell, it's not unlike Lady Gaga concert, but with slightly less wailing screams. This is where Magik, who now possesses a part of the Phoenix Force, got her soul fucked up to the point where she might as well let an army of devils gangbang it. So of course she would be okay with throwing Earth's Mightiest Heroes into this pit. Rogue, however, doesn't quite agree to say the least.

X-men Legacy #270 involves Rogue coming to the harsh realization that maybe a cosmic force will fuck up your notions of justice, especially if you give it to a teenage Russian girl who used to hang out in Limbo the same way most girls hang out in Robert Pattinson's bathroom. Whether through arrogance or to just rub it in the face of a woman that had to see Magneto naked, Magik gives Rogue a tour of the prison she's created for the captured Avengers. It's not so much a prison as it is a slice of Hell. And I'm not talking about John Wayne Gayce's basement type hell. Magik has the Phoenix Force. She took a literal slice of Limbo, which would qualify as Hell by most definitions, and set it up so that the Avengers were trapped in special cells where they could only contemplate about escaping yet never achieve it. This proves my theory that I formulated back in middle school. Teenage girls truly have the capacity for the greatest amount of evil.

If you think I'm overstating my theory, consider what Illyana tells Rogue about her little slice of hell. She claims they're not suffering. The prisoners are just in a hell of their own making. Each cell has a torment tailored specifically to keep them from ever escaping. So if your Hawkeye, you can't use your agility because your limbs have been turned into snakes. If your Spider-Woman, you can't charm your way out of it because you're stuck to the web of a giant spider. I imagine if your Northstar, you have your dick surgically attached to the assholes that run Chick-Fil-A. How this isn't causing them suffering is logic so twisted that only a teenage girl could find a way to justify it. It's like that girl back in high school that convinced me to stick my dick in her father's shotgun. And even if they escape, she has endless hoards of Limbo monsters to keep them inside. It's almost as bad as having your dick stuck in a shotgun.

Needless-to-say, Rogue exceptionally pissed that the Phoenix wielding friends she trusted have turned into such cosmic-sized douche-bags. Moreover, Magik's little tour essentially proved Miss Marvel right. She went through all the trouble to tell Miss Marvel she was full of shit in the previous issue and now she just found out she's wrong. That's like convincing yourself you just fucked the hottest chick in Mexico only to find out immediately after that she was a tranny all along. While you may spend the next day or so vomiting uncontrollably, Rogue doesn't have that luxury. After talking to herself for a while and saying what an idiot she was, she decides that she has to basically go back and apologize for all that hot girl-on-girl action in the previous issue. I can think of few harsher conversations that don't involve me without my pants on.

Magik leaves Rogue to find another way back home so she can go off and haul more Avengers to her new hell. She might as well have left a recovering alcoholic tend a bar during happy hour at the Hard Rock casino. Rogue storms right back into Limbo and confronts Magik's monstrous pets. In order to fight through, she decides she has to absorb one so she can become that much less doable and sneak into the prison. It sounds like a good idea on paper just like the Iraq war, but she quickly finds out that absorbing a monster means fighting that monster both externally and internally. So she doesn't just have to search for Miss Marvel. She has to wrestle for control of her body. In that sense it's not unlike being a woman trying to get an abortion in Mississippi.

It's a somewhat overly drawn out struggle against the monster, but she does manage to make her way to Miss Marvel. When she arrives, she finds a very disoriented Miss Marvel. For all she knows, she's been stuck in this hell since bell bottoms went out of style in the 70s. She also reveals that she's had numerous encounters with friends claiming to want to help her escape, but they all ended up being illusions (a little fail-safe that was explored in another tie-in that you should totally read). It takes a moment for Rogue to convince her she's not another hallucination. For me, unless she has green skin and a tail, it's hard to convince me of anything when I'm tripping. But she just tells Miss Marvel that she was wrong for kicking her ass and follows her lead.

I get that Rogue had to admit she was wrong. I get that she had to really humble herself in some very bad circumstances. However, this moment was completely lacking in any sort of drama or impact. Rogue spent an entire issue proving her case with the Phoenix Five. Now she just says, "Oops, I fucked up!" and that's the end of it? Miss Marvel didn't even make much of a scene. Given her temperament in other comics, I find that to be a missed opportunity and a gross oversight for a comic that has prided itself on being driven by melodrama.

Instead of drama, we get Rogue and Miss Marvel fighting off hoards of Limbo monsters. Okay, so it's not that bad a trade-off. I'll gladly exchange a little bit of drama for two beautiful women fighting their way out of Hell. It's not a completely fair trade though. It's akin to trading Phillip Rivers for Alex Smith. You're not getting much value out of it. The action here is still pretty sweet. Miss Marvel even lets Rogue borrow some of her power, which given their history would be like letting your ex-boyfriend buy you tampons. But it still makes for a fairly epic struggle with plenty of awesome visuals. And yes, they're awesome enough to jerk off to.

However, this struggle really doesn't last that long or get to the kind of epic scale you might be hoping for. Magik, having spent more than her share of time in Limbo, senses that someone is trying to fuck with her domain and teleports back to see that Rogue has taken advantage of her generous trust. Although trust from a teenage girl is akin to stock tips from Bernie Madoff, she's still marginally bemused. Rogue and Miss Marvel attempt to take her on. They might as well try reasoning with a creationist because they fail miserably. Magik still has the Phoenix Force and she's on her home turf. She's not going to get beaten. So it's not terribly surprising or compelling for that matter when she restrains Rogue and tosses Miss Marvel back into her cell. So all this struggle that was so enjoyable might as well have been akin to taking a shit in your own bath tub.

But rather than throw Rogue in a cell next to Miss Marvel's where she has to relive the sensation of Magneto's scrotum on her face for eternity, Magik shows a touch of mercy for a fellow X-man. Unfortunately, mercy for someone of her age means throwing her into some parallel world where she can just keep fighting random monsters. It's not quite a prison cell, but it is a rather disheartening turn for her and for the story as well. Now this means that Rogue is basically locked in the basement while an awesome party is going on upstairs. That party being Avengers vs. X-men. And the idea of not seeing Rogue inject her sass into Avengers vs. X-men is about as appealing as going to a strip club and not seeing any tits.

Like Wolverine and the X-men #14, X-men Legacy #270 offers yet another compelling if not overt sign that the Phoenix Five are letting this cosmic shit fuck them up in ways that all the booze in Las Vegas couldn't match. Rogue spent all of last issue thumbing her nose at Miss Marvel for claiming that the Phoenix Five were going to become to superheroes what Enron is business ethics. It was a pretty epic battle between two beautiful women. It had some very valid arguments between the two sides that if you could stop masturbating for more than a few seconds you could find yourself seriously contemplating. This issue was much less basic and much harder to jerk off to. Rogue was essentially proven wrong and Miss Marvel was proven right and Rogue tried to make up for it. That's pretty much the jist of this issue.

It sounds basic, but Christos Gage did find a way to make it compelling. The action was the main selling point here. Rogue fighting to both free Miss Marvel and contain a Limbo monster that she tried to absorb made for the kind of inner and outer struggles that make Rogue someone that's as compelling as she is doable. However, her basically having to eat her words from the previous issue was really underplayed here. I get that Miss Marvel was trapped in her own slice of hell and probably wasn't too inclined to boast about being right. But then again, when has that stopped any man, woman, child, or animal in the history of time? If someone could find an example, I'll quit drinking. That philosophical debate and the drama behind it that made the previous issue so compelling was lost here. While the action was good and the imagery finely detailed, it still lacked the same impact as the previous issue. Even with two beautiful women as the lead character and an evil teenage girl, your brain won't be anywhere near as satisfied as your dick.

X-men Legacy has had it's share of awesome tie-ins for Avengers vs. X-men. The past few issues have been solid while fitting in nicely with the larger scheme of the story. This issue definitely adds another element by showing where all these Avengers that the X-men have captured are being housed. It's been referenced in other comics and blends smoothly with the plot here in X-men Legacy. That smooth transition really helps make the story feel solid, but the shallow interactions with Rogue and Miss Marvel along with the weaker dialog keep this issue from being as awesome as its predecessor. For that, I give X-men Legacy #270 a 3.5 out of 5. The Avengers are literally in hell. Rogue is stuck swallowing her pride, but seeing as how she's probably swallowed Magneto's semen I think that's not terribly difficult for her. What worries me at this point is that she's basically been set aside to flex her feminine fortitude in a place away from the Avengers vs. X-men and in a story that could always use more beautiful women, I find that a disturbing prospect. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #16 - Victorian Era Awesome

I often look back at the Victorian era with mixed emotions. Sure, they were the most uptight and repressed culture since Christine O'Donnell's bid for Congress. But if you actually look into these folks, you'll find that while they were repressed publicly, privately they were more perverted than an pervert in a panty factory. They wrote massive amounts of porn, set new standards in sadomasochistic fetishes, and came up with exceedingly inventive ways to control their junk less they abuse it outside the proper S&M dungeon. For that reason and many others, I'm glad that Sinister used this era as a model with which to build his secret underground kingdom. We haven't seen the S&M dungeons, but if he's made a true representation of 19th century England I can only assume they're hidden next to the stores that sell chastity belts.

You would think that a guy who is also his own species that creates his own little slice of the past in an underground cavern would be pretty fucking twisted. And you would be right without even having to take a bong hit. But for Sinister, twisted and tact are like peanut butter and jelly. They go so well together, but when you deep fry it you feel like you're biting into a slice of heaven (I just bought a deep fryer by the way and I'm still finding new ways to use it). The deep fryer in this instance is the Celestial technology that he acquired in the first major arc of Uncanny X-men after the relaunch. In the pages of Avengers vs. X-men, he's put that technology to use powering his Sinister version of London. However, now he has to use it in a slightly more pragmatic way.

Uncanny X-men #15 had the Phoenix Five take a quick break from pwning the Avengers to take on another threat that could potentially corrupt Hope and the Phoenix. Sinister already has a sordid history of sticking his dick in Phoenix plots. He created Madelyne Pryor and laughed his ass off when Cyclops was gullible enough to marry her. He also was the first to tell Hope about the Phoenix Force. So they know he's a threat and thanks to the Phoenix, the Phoenix Five look to neutralize him before he can wave that sinister dick of his in their faces any further.

Uncanny X-men #16 has the Phoenix Five receiving a warm welcome from Sinister. By warm I mean armed to the teeth with Celestial style weaponry. It's the kind of weaponry the Church of Scientology probably wishes they had when they're not trying to subversively destroy pharmaceutical companies. It makes for the kind of flashy battles that we've come to expect in Avengers vs. X-men, but this time it happens in a hidden underground cavern of Victorian style England and the targets are all creepy, pasty faced psychopaths. It means the Phoenix Five can afford to be mindlessly violent is what I'm saying.

The Phoenix Five's strategy is simple. Since Sinister is his own species, they need to attack his little tribute to the second most repressive era in modern history after Rick Santorum's presidential bid to completely neutralize him. They take to that strategy with their full Phoenix powers with the kind of enthusiasm you would expect, but Sinister remains as calm as Tom Brady on Valium. While his city is being attacked, he's casually dining with some Madelyne Pryor clones while enjoying a fancy feast that probably features water that's $50 a glass. Madelyne expresses some mild concern, but Sinister shows that he not only has a plan. He has a plan designed to make the X-men shit their pants.

Part of his army included clones of his Marauders. Sinister has a long history of using clones so it stands to reason that he would clone more than just cannon fodder for his Celestial powered weapons. How about cloning something bigger, badder, and shocking enough to make the assholes of cosmic beings clench? That's when we find out that Sinister didn't just build his castle in some dank cavern. He cloned Karoka, as in the fucking living island of Karoka that holds such a special place in the annuls of X-men lore. You can never accuse Sinister of doing anything half-assed. Even the Phoenix Five admit that they're surprised by this shit. The Avengers could learn a thing or two from Sinister, provided they cast aside little things like ethics and sanity. But then again, you can't argue with the results. Just look at the sheer ballsiness of his castle and your colon should tell you all you need to hear.

The surprise of Sinister's castle being built on the back of a living island only offered a prelude of things to come. The Phoenix Five try to flex their Phoenix powers with Colossus using it to grow like the monsters in those old Power Range cartoons. It seems like a good strategy until Sinister unleashes a wave of Gambit clones, each charged up in a way that makes them a walking suicide bomber. It seems like a waste of a perfectly good Cajun, but it effectively does to Colossus what pouring a batch of fire ants onto your roommate's bed does. It leaves him annoyed, pained, and threatening to cut your nuts off with a butter knife. Okay, that was just my ex-roommate.

Gambit isn't the only one Sinister took the time to clone into an army either. To take down Namor, he unleashes hoards of Cannonballs (the mutant and not the spherical thing you chuck at bowling pins and/or windshields of people you don't like). Like the exploding Gambits, they serve to annoy and frustrate Namor. He handles it somewhat better than Colossus, but even his exceedingly bloated ego can only handle so much. Seeing as how Sinister went through the trouble to clone so many mutants and build his castle on the back of a living island, you have to assume this isn't just because he wants to record it and post it to youtube to compete with cats and nut shots.

Even Emma isn't immune from Sinister's madness. He actually unleashes waves of killer cows at her. No, that's not a metaphor for a weapon powered by the Octomom's baby fat. Sinister actually used exploding cows to attack Emma Frost. For a woman that probably prides herself on wearing underwear that costs more than a car, that's pretty damaging. This attack leads the Phoenix Five to actually look like they're struggling for the first time since they got their Phoenix powers. Magik even suggests they pull back before Sinister throws exploding sheep at them next. But then she, Emma, and Colossus are hit with some mysterious blast that causes them to disappear. And by mysterious I mean fucking confusing because it's almost as if they disappear off-panel. I expect that kind of shit in an Ultimate comic written by Jeph Loeb, but not an issue of Uncanny X-men written by Kieron Gillen.

Now this battle is a major shift because it's the first time the Phoenix Five have faced a villain like Sinister. It's also the first time they've actually struggled to contain a threat. I've seen how some fanboys love to bitch and moan on message boards about how the Phoenix Five are too powerful. These are the same fanboys that probably bitch and moan about Wonder Woman wearing pants too, but now they have to admit for once that their bitching has been addressed because they're taking on a villain that has the resources and bravado to take on the Phoenix Five. It makes for a battle of a very different yet equally great awesome compared to the ones they've had with the Avengers.

But as nice as it is to see the battle against Sinister give the Phoenix Five a run for their money, the action gets a bit choppy. The other members of the Phoenix Five just disappear and not much explanation or hints are given as to the source. You assume there is one, but there's really not much to go on aside from maybe they had to go take a cosmic shit or something. It allows Sinister to unleash some extra Celestial firepower to down Cyclops. And since humbling him in front of his Phoenix-powered buddies isn't emasculating enough, he has to bring in an army of his ex-wives clones. You would almost rather go skinny dipping in a pond full of those fish with a taste for human testicles. It's implied that they're the source of the disappearances, but again it's really hard to tell with or without weed.

The battle between Sinister and the Phoenix Five has now devolved into a state between a Mitt Romney speech and a Jerry Springer rerun. The Phoenix Five have been humbled and even they have to admit that they could use a hand against someone who likes to throw ex-wives into a war. I'm pretty sure that's on par with genocide under the Geneva Convention, but I doubt Sinister gives a shit. Luckily, the Phoenix Five hasn't alienated all their teammates with their world-shaping utopia policy. Magneto, Storm, Danger, and Psylocke got bored waiting around on the surface and raiding Wolverine's old liquor cabinet. They show up at the end of the issue seeing that the battle against Sinister has become too fucked up for even a cosmic force to handle. So they'll need either help from the rest of the Extinction Team or a cosmic sized dildo to help unfuck this battle whichever comes first. Personally, I was looking forward to the cosmic sized dildo.

For most of Avengers vs. X-men, the Phoenix Five have faced all kinds of threats. Most of them involve being careful because the threats they were facing involved friends and allies. Well there are no allies here. The Phoenix Five could afford to exercise all its depraved cosmic fetishes of death, destruction, and bondage it wanted on Sinister. Because like a sadomasochist with a self-emoliation compunction, he can take it. Yet despite having the power to unleash this cosmic wrath, Sinister still found a way to fuck with them. What sounded like a lopsided battle became lopsided in the opposite way you imagined. You almost forgot that Sinister is the same crafty son-of-a-bitch that hot wired a Celestial. Why shouldn't he be able to measure up against the Phoenix Five.

The struggle of this battle was the real highlight of the issue. However, it was a bit choppy at times towards the end. It really isn't clear why or how Emma and Namor just flat out disappeared. It wasn't clear why Cyclops started panicking. And while it was nice to see Magneto, Danger, Storm, and Psylocke show up in a limited role, nothing was done with Unit sub-plot and nothing really added any drama to them being left out. That didn't mean this issue wasn't awesome. You can't have an issue that involves exploding cows and walking castles that isn't awesome on at least ten different levels. It's an issue that really started strong, but just became more incoherent than a sorority girl at a frat party after a few too many shots.

Kieron Gillen has done more than any writer since Chris Claremont to make Sinister a compelling and disturbing villain again. He's the kind of villain that will give you nightmares, but at the same time he's the kind of guy you want to have a beer with if for no other reason than to see if the beer turns to blood. The biggest accomplishment of this issue was that he finally gave the Phoenix Five a real run for their money with Sinister. That's something event he mighty Avengers couldn't accomplish. For that, Uncanny X-men #16 gets a 4.5 out of 5. The Phoenix Five have been humbled and smothered in cows blood. They now have to prove they can pull a Carrie on Sinister and wipe that creepy grin off his face. But hopefully, they save some of those Madelyne Pryor clones. Because if there's one thing the Marvel Universe has shown over the years, it's that you can never have enough hot redheads with a leather fetish. Nuff said!