Having It All And Wanting More: Captain Marvel #1

The following is my review of Captain Marvel #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of “having it all” is one of those fantasies that can easily become an unhealthy obsession. Sometimes it becomes so unhealthy that in attempting to “have it all,” the most common result is losing it all. The human mind and the human body can only handle so much. And while some are capable of handling more than others, few are ever satisfied with their limits. For someone with the superhuman limits of Carol Danvers, that creates a pretty distressing mentality. However, her desire and ambition to expanding those limits is what makes her persona in Captain Marvel #1 so appealing. She even manages to do this in a way that doesn’t come off as egotistical or petty. She’s basically the antithesis of the Superior Spider-Man.

Carol Danvers has already moved up in the Marvel universe. She graduated from her Miss Marvel moniker and adopted the title of Captain Marvel. This role didn’t just give her a more gender neutral title while reaffirming her role as one of Avenger’s heaviest hitters. Taking on that title also meant her skills and her power could no longer be restricted to one planet. Like the previous Captain Marvel, she had to see herself in a larger role with a much bigger mission. And it’s a role she’s eager in some ways to adopt and reluctant in others. The admitted Star Wars fan in her loves the idea, but the normal woman she used to be has reservations. It’s one thing to move to a new country for her job. It’s quite another to take it into the depths of space.

It also doesn’t help that Carol struggles to articulate those reservations throughout this issue. It shows every bit as clearly as her love of Star Wars. Even though her conflicts are drawing her away from Earth, she still maintains strong connections with family, friends, and a love interest in James Rhodes. In some ways it shows that Captain Marvel has done a pretty good job of “having it all.” She’s powerful, she’s beautiful, she’s an Avenger, and she has a family that she hasn’t alienated yet. That’s something even Bruce Wayne can’t say he’s achieved. Yet it’s still not enough for her. That’s why she wants to take her mission into space. She doesn’t give the impression that she’s bored with the constant Thanos attacks and Skrull incursions on Earth. She just sees this as the next logical step.

But even with the title of Captain Marvel, it doesn’t prevent Carol from being overwhelmed. If she weren’t overwhelmed by such a notion, she would be Lex Luthor and not the charismatic hero that has endeared herself to so many. But in conversations with both Iron Man and Rhodes, she shows a kind of restlessness that’s usually reserved for people waiting in line for the next Apple gadget. Even her own family notices this. She just can’t be content with her state of affairs and she realizes that on some levels. She just isn’t sure how to deal with it.

In that sense, the conflict Carol faces in Captain Marvel #1 is not unlike the conflict a lot of men and women face in their endless pursuit of “having it all.” TV, movies, and cheesy music have gone to great lengths to convince everyone that they can “have it all.” They can have a loving family, a successful and lucrative career, a body worthy of a supermodel, and a sex life worthy of its own lingerie line. It all seems so appealing and it is. What these gimmicks don’t say is that there are only so many hours in the day and only so many opportunities to achieve even one of these things. Being able to achieve them all is like hitting multiple lottery jackpots.

In that sense, Carol Danvers has already hit those jackpots and then some. She is young and beautiful. She has been imbued with great power that affords her the kind of stamina that stay-at-home moms and underpaid factory workers only wish they had. And in Captain Marvel #1, she is basically handed an opportunity to achieve even more. Yet at times, she still isn’t entirely sure of what she wants or what her definition of “having it all” even entails. For someone like her, the bar isn’t just higher. It’s in another time zone. But in the end, she chooses to go after it even if it means leaving other opportunities behind.

This is one of the most powerful messages within Captain Marvel #1. Despite all her reservations and her restlessness, Carol decides to shoot for the stars in both a literal and figurative sense. She doesn’t quite understand what she wants, but she knows how to go about finding it. This essentially sets the tone for the series as a whole. Captain Marvel is looking to go above and beyond to be worthy of her title. She shows the kind of ambition that makes her more than just superhuman. Despite all her power, she’s still very human and still very driven to be part of something greater. The Avengers may give her plenty of opportunities to flex her muscles, but they don’t offer many opportunities for personal growth. There’s really only so much growth anyone can achieve by fighting creatures like Thanos.

There’s a lot that goes into “having it all,” but everyone’s standard is different. Captain Marvel #1 shows Carol Danvers adopting a new standard for herself. That standard feels overdue in some ways. While her reservations may make her painfully human, they sometimes come off as excuses that cause her unfolding story to drag. But despite her hesitation, she eventually does make a few very important decisions that promise to affect the course of her character moving forward. It also gives her a chance to live out her every Star Wars fantasy, which may very well add to her ambition.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Age of Ultron #1 - Prelude or Sign of Awesome?

What would you think about a guy who kept going to the same bar again and again, only to get his ass kicked by the time he left and wake up hung over the next morning? You would probably think that guy was pathetic, stupid, or a glutton for punishment that even S&M enthusiasts would find troubling. I’ve been called all those things before. Hell, I’ve been called ten times worse and have the scars to prove it. But in many ways it symbolizes how I’ve come to see Marvel’s so-called event books.

While they may start out awesome and even stay awesome throughout much of the series, they usually crash and burn in the end when the writers run out of patience and say “Fuck the details, let’s just do something shockingly crazy!” This is what has left me with an overly tender asshole after following events like Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men. Each event was billed as this big ass blockbuster that was supposed to redefine the Marvel universe, which is also code for making Marvel a fuckton of money through shameless marketing gimmicks. And even though they ended horribly, they did sell and for that reason Marvel has every excuse to call it a success. As I’ve said in previous drunken rants, Marvel’s capacity to give a fuck about how its customers feels ends the second the purchase is finalized. It is not their job to make you feel better after you buy it. They see outraged fans the same way we see brain damaged puppies, cute and lovable yet still irrationally stupid.

Since the big wigs at Marvel have apparently blown all the Avengers vs. X-men money on strippers and cocaine, they’re ready to throw another overblown event at us and they call it Age of Ultron. This is an event that actually was teased as far back as 2010 when Marvel showed a messy yet eerily accurate schematic of the future. It showed things like the Heroic Age, Avengers vs. X-men, and the return of the Original Five X-men in All New X-men. One of the other events it showed was the Age of Ultron. Having burned themselves out fighting each other, the heroes of the Marvel universe seemed destined to get back to basics and what could be more basic than fighting a killer robot?

But Ultron is not your typical mutant-hunting Sentinel or Terminator rip-off. This is a powerful enemy that has tested the Avengers in some pretty obscene ways in the past. If karma intended to make Hank Pym pay for roughing up his wife, it went way overboard with making Ultron the kind of menacing threat that the frequently frustrates the Avengers. And since we’ve already seen futures and/or alternate universes where mutants and sentinels rule the world, why not a world where Ultron rules? Because what’s more original than a crazy robot taking over the world? Okay, bad example. But you get what I mean.

I’ll say it while I’m still sober enough to type it coherently. The appeal of Age of Ultron is nowhere near as great as the appeal of Avengers vs. X-men. The promise of a superhero battle and the return of the Phoenix Force offered so many possibilities. Those possibilities aren’t nearly as diverse or exciting with Ultron. He’s an evil robot. There’s not going to be any major debate on who will win if the very notion of winning applies in the slightest. I’ve been about as excited for this event as I’ve been about a traffic jam. But it is a big Marvel event. Therefore, I’m compelled to take a few extra shots and offer a review for the wonderful folks who enjoy this blog.

The first issue for this overhyped event doesn't begin with a bang or a brawl. In fact, it seems to begin long after that bang or brawl has transpired. The smoke has already settled, the drunks were already thrown out of the bar, and everyone is hung over. By that I mean the world is fucked and Ultron's dick seems to be the only one left intact. It has all the makings of yet another post-apocalyptic world. While Marvel has more fucked up alternate universe wastelands than Linsey Lohan has DUIs, this one isn't a typical kill-the-robots-and-try-not-to-get-killed apocalypse. In the rubble of New York City, Hawkeye is spying on what looks like a crack house. But I guess in this future a crack house might as well be a loft on Park Avenue. We're not sure what is going on inside, but for some reason it requires an arrow to the head. I'm assuming the crack might not be that good.

It turns out it's not crack this place is selling. It's Mutant Growth Hormone, also known as Kick. It basically gives you powers that makes you feel like your on crack, but involves giving less blowjobs behind a dumpster at McDonald's. For some reason, Hawkeye has a problem with thugs selling this shit to jaded survivors of an apocalypse so he starts shooting them. It makes for a nice, gritty action scene that Bryan Hitch has always been good at depicting. The girl he followed into the building is given a chance to leave while everyone else is given a few arrows to the skull. So I guess Hawkeye isn't without mercy. But when the woman tells him to fuck off, he shoots her in the arm with an arrow. I guess the moral of the story for her is don't make light of Hawkeye's mercy.

But why would Hawkeye be shooting up some crackhouse full of drug-dealing low-lifes? Well, we quickly find out these aren't the kind of lowlifes that walk around with their underwear exposed, their hats on sideways, and their teeth plated gold. This is a well-funded, well-equipped operation armed with real life Call of Duty cos-players armed with the kinds of heavy machine guns that the NRA doesn't think should be banned. Yet they're just dealing MGH in the ruins of New York City? Did I miss something here?

If there is an explanation, it's obscenely subtle. The men mention that Avengers are like gold in this apocalyptic future. Hunting them down and killing them is like finding Warren Buffet's credit card. It's basically a golden ticket. It has somewhat of a Days of Futures Past vibe, but not in the sense that they're basically deer in Ted Nugent's back yard. Something else is going on here and we're not given much insight onto what it is.

At the very least, we get clarification on why Hawkeye has decided to use this crack house as target practice. It's not just so he can be propaganda for the DEA. He's actually on a rescue mission. It turns out these thugs had Spider-Man tied up, beaten up, and fucked up in ways that is perfectly deserving of a guy who made a deal with the devil. But is this Peter Parker or just Doc Ock in Peter Parker's body? Or did some crazy shit happen to reverse that? Or did it even happen to begin with in this universe? Again, that's not made clear. But Hawkeye is there to rescue him and Spider-Man is still his usual immature self. I guess there's something to be said about a character that has been so beaten up by fans lately that he begins this story already beat up. I guess Marvel is just trying to be proactive.

Spider-Man and Hawkeye seem well on their way out, fighting through more thugs with more gritty action that will make some readers want to kiss Bryan Hitch the next time they see him. Then the star of the show finally makes his appearance. Ultron, having already fucked the world, is still perfectly willing to fuck it up even more. He and a few drones surround the building and demand that they prepare to suck the fattest part of his robot dick. While Ultron has never needed a reason slaughter Avengers, it still isn't clear if there is a reason for wanting to blow up buildings with Avengers inside it. The thugs mentioned that they paid Ultron off, which isn't exactly that telling. They say they deliver Avengers to Ultron and he leaves them alone. It's understandable, but still not very clear. However, Hawkeye and Spider-Man seem to know that Ultron has a reason for wanting to vaporize them and decide it's probably a good idea to get the fuck out.

Ultron doesn't listen to the thugs. Whatever reason he had for leaving them alive, he changed his mind in the same way Dearth Vadar alters deals made in Cloud City. In just a few panels the action goes from grim and gritty to a few big ass explosions that level the crack house and offer a larger view of this war torn landscape. It helps add a greater sense of scale to a story that began on a small street level. In doing so it reveals a landscape that is distinct from other apocalyptic worlds. As I said before, Marvel has a fuckton of apocalyptic worlds. Yet they still manage to make this one seem unique in how Ultron is hunting Avengers and letting thugs use them as currency.

Unfortunately for the thugs, however, Ultron has a very low tolerance level for letting Avengers escape. So while Hawkeye and Spider-Man escape the blast, the thugs are broiled like a rack of ribs at at barbecue. Hawkeye and Spider-Man are still battered and bruised, but alive. Yet even they seem to concede that they're thoroughly screwed in this world and we still don't know why. Maybe it's just the bitterness from Avengers vs. X-men still talking, but I'm enjoying seeing them humbled like this.

They eventually find their way to the ruins of the SHIELD Helicarrier, but they aren't exactly welcomed back with hugs and cookies. Once greeted by Luke Cage and She-Hulk, Hawkeye is yelled at for being reckless. That in and of itself isn't too striking. Anyone yelling at Hawkeye for his recklessness is like yelling at Willie Nelson for smoking pot. It shouldn't be that surprising anymore. But what is what he and Spider-Man have to go through once they arrive. Iron Man scans them with what looks like an oversized rectal probe and says they're clean. Ultron didn't infect them with any virus. Even Emma Frost and some of the X-men show up to indicate they're also clean. I guess in this world Emma Frost made up for her crimes as one of the Phoenix Five or she just boned enough people to get pardoned. It poses yet more questions without hinting at too many answers. Ultron seems to be going to great lengths to fuck with them and they're asses are clearly very tender at this point.

If there is one thing that Bendis and Hitch make clear, it's that the heroes in this world are fucked like a two-dollar whore on coupon day. We see in other parts of the bunker that there are a few other Avengers present, but not nearly enough to fight a robot army. Moreover, they're all more pessimistic than a goth at an Evanescence concert. They aren't just fucked. They're utterly demoralized. And the guy who usually rallies them, Captain America, is also at a loss. In the end we see him looking like a dog that just got neutered. He has no plan. He has no inspiring speeches. He might as well be Mel Gibson's credibility at this point. It sends a clear message, but doesn't really address how it got to this point. But if it's bad enough to make Captain freakin' America give up all hope, then we can only assume there are greater forces at work than a killer robot with a taste for human flesh.

Let me say this right now so that there’s no ambiguity or questions about my sobriety. The beginning of Age of Ultron was not like the beginning of Avengers vs. X-men. It’s not different in terms of scale or theme either. This is a completely different approach. That’s both promising and disconcerting in a number of ways. While Avengers vs. X-men sucked elephant balls in the end, it started out pretty fucking awesome. The same could be said for events like Fear Itself or Siege. Age of Ultron is taking a completely different approach in that the first issue doesn’t induce orgasms through your eyes, but it does lay the groundwork for a larger story. And perhaps by not following the same path as previous events, the ending will be as awesome as Marvel boasts for once.

I have mixed feelings about this approach, mostly because I’m really not sure what to make of this issue. Age of Ultron #1 doesn’t feel like the first issue of a big event. It has the feel of a prelude, as if to hint at the story to come. At the same time it also feels like we’re walking right into the middle of the story. It begins in the middle of a world where Ultron is the top dog and Captain America seems to have misplaced his balls. It’s that ambiguity and incoherence that leaves me somewhat puzzled by this issue. I’m not sure where’s it’s going in the same way I’m not sure where any event is going when it begins. But I’m not even sure where the fuck this came from or how the fuck it got here.

Uncertainty aside, there’s still plenty to enjoy here. If you’re a Hawkeye fan, you should be masturbating to this issue for the next few days. There’s a special charm to this dark, gritty environment where the Avengers are battered and broken. It doesn’t have the same feel as a typical apocalyptic future where killer robots rule. There are other forces at work. At least that’s how it seems at the moment. Brian Michael Bendis and Bryan Hitch have found a way to make this world feel unique without falling into the same patterns that Days of Futures Past set over three decades ago.

Whether it’s a prelude or something else entirely, Age of Ultron #1 is solid. Bryan Hitch’s art is as spectacular as ever and Brian Michael Bendis flexes his talent for capturing the emotion of a story. This Avengers team is not the same overpowered team that Jonathan Hickman has been writing in his Avengers series or the same team that won Avengers vs. X-men. There are a lot of blanks to fill here and even if we don’t get too many clues as to what those blanks are, Bendis and Hitch have at least stoked plenty of curiosity. I give Age of Ultron #1 a 3 out of 5. So another overhyped comic book event has begun. If you’re really quiet, you can already hear the fanboys bitching about it on message boards. It’s not like they need a reason to bitch, but at least this issue didn’t give them more than they already had. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #270 - Prisoners of Awesome

There are many different interpretations of Hell. Whether you're religious, non-religious, or one of those new age hippies that thinks trees can write poetry you have some idea of what a shitty death would entail. For a guy like me who has done as much as any drunk to reserve a spot Satan's anus, Hell is being stuck in traffic on a hot summer day while listening to Rush Limbaugh for all eternity with no weed. Some still prefer the fire and brimstone classics as depicted by middle eastern goat herders or Italian poets, but the Marvel universe has always offered a colorful blend of hellish imagery. While Marvel does plenty to ensure they don't piss of the Ned Flanders's off the world, they do know how to paint a pretty hellish image.

The latest Avengers vs. X-men tie-in with X-men Legacy didn't start with any hellish imagery. It involved two powerful women, Rogue and Miss Marvel, beating the shit out of each other over a petty disagreement involving the merits of the Phoenix Five's whole Pax Utopia policy. Or maybe they were arguing over who Johnny Depp would go down on first. It could really be either, but it made for an epic brawl between two characters that had a long list of reasons to beat each other up. It was so entertaining that it was more heavenly than hellish. But then at the end, Rogue was basically smacked upside the head with the equivalent of a bloody dildo when Magik showed up and revealed what the Phoenix Five was doing to captured Avengers. They weren't throwing them in jail or giving them any of that due process shit that the pussies at the ACLU whine about. They were throwing their asses into a little slice of Limbo they had brought to Earth.

Now for those of you playing the home game, Limbo isn't the Marvel equivalent of Hell but it's pretty damn close. It's hot, desolate, dangerous, and full of monsters. Hell, it's not unlike Lady Gaga concert, but with slightly less wailing screams. This is where Magik, who now possesses a part of the Phoenix Force, got her soul fucked up to the point where she might as well let an army of devils gangbang it. So of course she would be okay with throwing Earth's Mightiest Heroes into this pit. Rogue, however, doesn't quite agree to say the least.

X-men Legacy #270 involves Rogue coming to the harsh realization that maybe a cosmic force will fuck up your notions of justice, especially if you give it to a teenage Russian girl who used to hang out in Limbo the same way most girls hang out in Robert Pattinson's bathroom. Whether through arrogance or to just rub it in the face of a woman that had to see Magneto naked, Magik gives Rogue a tour of the prison she's created for the captured Avengers. It's not so much a prison as it is a slice of Hell. And I'm not talking about John Wayne Gayce's basement type hell. Magik has the Phoenix Force. She took a literal slice of Limbo, which would qualify as Hell by most definitions, and set it up so that the Avengers were trapped in special cells where they could only contemplate about escaping yet never achieve it. This proves my theory that I formulated back in middle school. Teenage girls truly have the capacity for the greatest amount of evil.

If you think I'm overstating my theory, consider what Illyana tells Rogue about her little slice of hell. She claims they're not suffering. The prisoners are just in a hell of their own making. Each cell has a torment tailored specifically to keep them from ever escaping. So if your Hawkeye, you can't use your agility because your limbs have been turned into snakes. If your Spider-Woman, you can't charm your way out of it because you're stuck to the web of a giant spider. I imagine if your Northstar, you have your dick surgically attached to the assholes that run Chick-Fil-A. How this isn't causing them suffering is logic so twisted that only a teenage girl could find a way to justify it. It's like that girl back in high school that convinced me to stick my dick in her father's shotgun. And even if they escape, she has endless hoards of Limbo monsters to keep them inside. It's almost as bad as having your dick stuck in a shotgun.

Needless-to-say, Rogue exceptionally pissed that the Phoenix wielding friends she trusted have turned into such cosmic-sized douche-bags. Moreover, Magik's little tour essentially proved Miss Marvel right. She went through all the trouble to tell Miss Marvel she was full of shit in the previous issue and now she just found out she's wrong. That's like convincing yourself you just fucked the hottest chick in Mexico only to find out immediately after that she was a tranny all along. While you may spend the next day or so vomiting uncontrollably, Rogue doesn't have that luxury. After talking to herself for a while and saying what an idiot she was, she decides that she has to basically go back and apologize for all that hot girl-on-girl action in the previous issue. I can think of few harsher conversations that don't involve me without my pants on.

Magik leaves Rogue to find another way back home so she can go off and haul more Avengers to her new hell. She might as well have left a recovering alcoholic tend a bar during happy hour at the Hard Rock casino. Rogue storms right back into Limbo and confronts Magik's monstrous pets. In order to fight through, she decides she has to absorb one so she can become that much less doable and sneak into the prison. It sounds like a good idea on paper just like the Iraq war, but she quickly finds out that absorbing a monster means fighting that monster both externally and internally. So she doesn't just have to search for Miss Marvel. She has to wrestle for control of her body. In that sense it's not unlike being a woman trying to get an abortion in Mississippi.

It's a somewhat overly drawn out struggle against the monster, but she does manage to make her way to Miss Marvel. When she arrives, she finds a very disoriented Miss Marvel. For all she knows, she's been stuck in this hell since bell bottoms went out of style in the 70s. She also reveals that she's had numerous encounters with friends claiming to want to help her escape, but they all ended up being illusions (a little fail-safe that was explored in another tie-in that you should totally read). It takes a moment for Rogue to convince her she's not another hallucination. For me, unless she has green skin and a tail, it's hard to convince me of anything when I'm tripping. But she just tells Miss Marvel that she was wrong for kicking her ass and follows her lead.

I get that Rogue had to admit she was wrong. I get that she had to really humble herself in some very bad circumstances. However, this moment was completely lacking in any sort of drama or impact. Rogue spent an entire issue proving her case with the Phoenix Five. Now she just says, "Oops, I fucked up!" and that's the end of it? Miss Marvel didn't even make much of a scene. Given her temperament in other comics, I find that to be a missed opportunity and a gross oversight for a comic that has prided itself on being driven by melodrama.

Instead of drama, we get Rogue and Miss Marvel fighting off hoards of Limbo monsters. Okay, so it's not that bad a trade-off. I'll gladly exchange a little bit of drama for two beautiful women fighting their way out of Hell. It's not a completely fair trade though. It's akin to trading Phillip Rivers for Alex Smith. You're not getting much value out of it. The action here is still pretty sweet. Miss Marvel even lets Rogue borrow some of her power, which given their history would be like letting your ex-boyfriend buy you tampons. But it still makes for a fairly epic struggle with plenty of awesome visuals. And yes, they're awesome enough to jerk off to.

However, this struggle really doesn't last that long or get to the kind of epic scale you might be hoping for. Magik, having spent more than her share of time in Limbo, senses that someone is trying to fuck with her domain and teleports back to see that Rogue has taken advantage of her generous trust. Although trust from a teenage girl is akin to stock tips from Bernie Madoff, she's still marginally bemused. Rogue and Miss Marvel attempt to take her on. They might as well try reasoning with a creationist because they fail miserably. Magik still has the Phoenix Force and she's on her home turf. She's not going to get beaten. So it's not terribly surprising or compelling for that matter when she restrains Rogue and tosses Miss Marvel back into her cell. So all this struggle that was so enjoyable might as well have been akin to taking a shit in your own bath tub.

But rather than throw Rogue in a cell next to Miss Marvel's where she has to relive the sensation of Magneto's scrotum on her face for eternity, Magik shows a touch of mercy for a fellow X-man. Unfortunately, mercy for someone of her age means throwing her into some parallel world where she can just keep fighting random monsters. It's not quite a prison cell, but it is a rather disheartening turn for her and for the story as well. Now this means that Rogue is basically locked in the basement while an awesome party is going on upstairs. That party being Avengers vs. X-men. And the idea of not seeing Rogue inject her sass into Avengers vs. X-men is about as appealing as going to a strip club and not seeing any tits.

Like Wolverine and the X-men #14, X-men Legacy #270 offers yet another compelling if not overt sign that the Phoenix Five are letting this cosmic shit fuck them up in ways that all the booze in Las Vegas couldn't match. Rogue spent all of last issue thumbing her nose at Miss Marvel for claiming that the Phoenix Five were going to become to superheroes what Enron is business ethics. It was a pretty epic battle between two beautiful women. It had some very valid arguments between the two sides that if you could stop masturbating for more than a few seconds you could find yourself seriously contemplating. This issue was much less basic and much harder to jerk off to. Rogue was essentially proven wrong and Miss Marvel was proven right and Rogue tried to make up for it. That's pretty much the jist of this issue.

It sounds basic, but Christos Gage did find a way to make it compelling. The action was the main selling point here. Rogue fighting to both free Miss Marvel and contain a Limbo monster that she tried to absorb made for the kind of inner and outer struggles that make Rogue someone that's as compelling as she is doable. However, her basically having to eat her words from the previous issue was really underplayed here. I get that Miss Marvel was trapped in her own slice of hell and probably wasn't too inclined to boast about being right. But then again, when has that stopped any man, woman, child, or animal in the history of time? If someone could find an example, I'll quit drinking. That philosophical debate and the drama behind it that made the previous issue so compelling was lost here. While the action was good and the imagery finely detailed, it still lacked the same impact as the previous issue. Even with two beautiful women as the lead character and an evil teenage girl, your brain won't be anywhere near as satisfied as your dick.

X-men Legacy has had it's share of awesome tie-ins for Avengers vs. X-men. The past few issues have been solid while fitting in nicely with the larger scheme of the story. This issue definitely adds another element by showing where all these Avengers that the X-men have captured are being housed. It's been referenced in other comics and blends smoothly with the plot here in X-men Legacy. That smooth transition really helps make the story feel solid, but the shallow interactions with Rogue and Miss Marvel along with the weaker dialog keep this issue from being as awesome as its predecessor. For that, I give X-men Legacy #270 a 3.5 out of 5. The Avengers are literally in hell. Rogue is stuck swallowing her pride, but seeing as how she's probably swallowed Magneto's semen I think that's not terribly difficult for her. What worries me at this point is that she's basically been set aside to flex her feminine fortitude in a place away from the Avengers vs. X-men and in a story that could always use more beautiful women, I find that a disturbing prospect. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #269 - Old Grudges, Same Awesome

I try not to hold too many grudges. I'm no Ghandi. I'll still wish rectal warts on the asshole that holds up traffic at a stoplight because he's yelling at his kids in the backseat of his gas-guzzling Hummer, but overall I try to forgive, forget, and drink plenty of substances that aid in forgetting (amongst other things). In comics, many major story-lines revolve around characters holding a grudge way longer than they should. Hell, there are stories in the Old Testament that are less vindictive than some of the grudge feuds in comics. However, some grudges still make for awesome stories. Some of them involve grudges that are completely understandable. Others still involve two beautiful women trying to beat the shit out of each other and those tend to be the best.

Most modern X-men fans probably don't remember the bad blood between Rogue and Miss Marvel. Unless you watched a few select episodes of the X-men 90s cartoon (I weep for you if you've denied yourself such awesome), you probably wouldn't know that these two have a long list of reasons to want to kill one another. Rogue put Miss Marvel in a coma for a long time and ran around with her powers, stealing both her gigs and her sex appeal in the process. I imagine for women that's only slightly less egregious than stealing their imported shampoo conditioner. As forgiving as I may be, if someone puts me in a coma and runs around with all my drinking skills then I'm not going to let that shit slide. And Avengers vs. X-men offers a perfect opportunity to get some sweet vengeance and show two beautiful women beating each other up in the process. They're not covered in oil or mud, but it's better than nothing.

X-men Legacy has been one of the many X-books that has been directly affected by the events of Avengers vs. X-men #6. The Phoenix Five have asserted their power over the world and are looking to drag humanity kicking and screaming to a worldwide utopia. In X-men Legacy #268, we saw just one of those battles through the eyes of Frenzy. In X-men Legacy #269 we see the battle through another set of eyes that also happens to have a great rack.

The issue sets the stage with peace, prosperity, and all that other shit hippies think they see when they're high on acid. Rogue and the rest of the X-men not named Wolverine are enjoying the Phoenix Five's new policy of ending war and ensuring prosperity for every soul on Earth. In the previous issue, Frenzy got to fight to good fight by kicking the ass of violent warlords in Africa. Rogue gets to contribute in a far less violent way by helping with food and poverty efforts. After meeting up with Iceman and borrowing his powers, she flies to New Orleans where she helps the crew fix the shit that FEMA and the Army Corp of Engineers fucked up pre-Katrina. And she did it while looking sexy as well. One of the workers even flirts with her. I guess when there's no more war or poverty to fight, the best you can do for excitement is flirt with a girl who could castrate you with her pinkie finger.

It's probably the least hectic Rogue's life has been since she first put a man in a coma by kissing him. I'm sure the same thing happens with Courtney Love, but for very different reasons. She seems content with what the Phoenix Five are doing and with the prospect of not having to do so much fighting from now on. So when Miss Marvel shows up unexpectedly under the guise of a phony distress call form a rescue helicopter, she's understandably pissed. Last she checked, the Avengers were still opposing the X-men and this is a woman who fucked up her mind worse than a dildo through the eye-socket. She has a lot of reasons to hate Miss Marvel and Miss Marvel has a lot of reasons to hate her so seeing Rogue skip the Q&A and go right to the ass-kicking is very appropriate.

What follows is a few glorious pages of two potent sources of T&A laying into one another like Mel Gibson in a synagog. Not much is said. Hell, even if they were talking most guys probably wouldn't listen because they're too caught up in wondering who will rip who's uniform off first. But there is a bit of narration from Rogue to ensure that this isn't just one of those comics a 13-year-old that's too much of a chicken-shit to steal a Playboy hides under his bed. She basically reminds the readers that she and Miss Marvel have a history. It's a history that's been somewhat lost since her glory days in the 90s when she had sass and wasn't boning Magneto. It's not too detailed either, but it's enough to explain that she has plenty of reasons to beat her up.

Moreover, she has to do it with only Iceman's powers as well since that's all she absorbed earlier. So she decides to get a little touchy with Miss Marvel and no, not in that way. But I'm sure plenty will fantasize about it none-the-less. To this point Miss Marvel has been trying to talk to her, albeit in a horribly planned way that involves faking a distress call. But once Rogue absorbs her again, she gets pissed and sets aside any sense of diplomacy as well she should.

Now armed with Miss Marvel's powers, the battle escalates. It's got a very old-school feel to it with all the flash and flare, but Christos Gage makes sure it doesn't play the nostagia card too much. I'm among those who thinks nostalgia is a cheap gimmick, although some shit like Rogue beating up Miss Marvel never gets old. But as the fight unfolds, Miss Marvel gets chatty again. She starts questioning Rogue's commitment to the Phoenix Five and these so-called utopian plan. She claims that this whole Pax Utopia deal sounds so rosy on paper, but like a business deal with Bernie Madoff it has a hidden cost. Rogue doesn't buy it though. She rightly points out that people are getting fed, bridges are being fixed, and shit is getting done that the Avengers couldn't be bothered to finish for years. Like the rest of Avengers vs. X-men, it argues a conflict that is not set in stone and does so with beautiful women. That's always a plus!

But as the battle unfolds, Miss Marvel's rhetoric escalates along with her attacks. She shows Rogue that boning Magneto made her a little soft and runs her right into the middle of a busy street. Never mind the possibility of traffic. She's trying to make a point and it's not an invalid point either. She even cites an old episode of the Twilight Zone to explain that living in a utopian created by people with god-like abilities is bound to get fucked up in ways that would make even Glenn Beck go running to the ACLU. She argues that the acceptance and peace the Phoenix Five are forcing is imposed so it's not a real peace. While I tend to believe that some shit is worth forcing down the throats of idiots that won't accept it, I concede that Miss Marvel has a point and a nice ass.

Rogue, however, still doesn't buy it. That and she probably never watched reruns of the Twilight Zone anyway. So after Miss Marvel is finished warning her about the dangers of world peace, Rogue effectively shuts her right-wing bullshit down by using what's left of Iceman's power to freeze her like a Popsicle that I would still lick while sober. She tells her she's not buying it, but even in defeat Miss Marvel tries to convince her that she's in a shit storm with a faulty umbrella. She thinks Rogue just didn't listen to her closely enough. My old parole officer probably thought the same thing and last I checked he retired early and moved to Switzerland. So once again, Rogue schools Miss Marvel and screws her over in a way you can't masturbate to but still enjoy reading.

While enjoyable, the extent to which Miss Marvel lost sort of makes you question why the fuck she would come to Rogue in the first place. She said it herself and Rogue added onto it with her narrations. She fucked her up when she absorbed her psyche. Yet she thinks Rogue would listen to her warning? I mean why the fuck would she try to hunt down Rogue and take her on alone in hopes of turning her off the Phoenix Five's plans for world peace? I've looked at it from many different angles while both high and sober and I can't figure out a reason that makes sense. So while I'm always happy to see two beautiful women fight, I more happy if it has a little meaning behind it and this shit is just contrived.

In the end, however, it doesn't matter whether Rogue listened to Miss Marvel or not. She still ends up vindicated even if she got her ass kicked. Because once Rogue calls for Magik, she finds out that the Phoenix Five have decided that they need to be dicks in dealing with the Avengers. So rather than just throw them in some normal prison or force them to act as body guards for the cast of the Jersey Shore, they actually decide to lock them up in a chunk of Limbo where Illyana's soul was tainted worse than a Catholic School Girl on a camping trip with Levi Johnson. Even if Rogue still believes in the Phoenix Five's utopian dream, she's gotta have a problem with literally tossing Earth's Mightiest Heroes into the Marvel equivalent of Hell. It may still be better than playing body guard for the Jersey Shore cast, but it's still fucked up.

Books like X-men Legacy have never left their mark by just blowing shit up or throwing tits in the readers' face (although tits do help). They rely more on character centered moments that send the reader on a journey alongside whoever is the focus. In the previous issue, we saw this new utopian world through the eyes of Frenzy. For the most part, it was fairly rosy. Violent warlords got their asses kicked and cute girls in school girl uniforms mind-fucked those too stubborn to accept peace. This issue followed Rogue and relied on much more violence. It also helped that most of the issue revolved around two beautiful women beating the shit out of each other. But in between this fight that will give most men the same boner they get watching two swimsuit models fight over a half-eaten chocolate bar, there was a serious debate here. Miss Marvel and Rogue argued over the merits of Pax Utopia as the Phoenix Five call it and how it could go horribly wrong. In the end, Miss Marvel's concerns were vindicated and all those LSD inspired hippie dreams quickly turn into a nasty hangover.

Given the history of Rogue and Miss Marvel, I'm not terribly surprised that Marvel threw these two into a brawl during an even that pits the Avengers against the X-men. Hell, I'm surprised Marvel doesn't try to force those two to fight more often and in more revealing uniforms to boost sales. However, it's that same history that makes it seem somewhat forced. Miss Marvel's life was royally fucked up by Rogue back in the day when she couldn't even give a guy a hand-job without sending him into a coma. So her logic for seeking Rogue out to warn her was somewhat fucked. Hell, Rogue would probably be the last person she should warn. And it's not like Rogue was in a position to listen either. She saw Miss Marvel and just started beating the shit out of her. Even if they both had valid points to make, the premise of their battle still felt forced even if it was a sight to behold.

While I try not to get too picky when it comes to beautiful women beating each other up, certain details do count in a story. In an event where plenty of tie-ins easily fall flat and flow with less coherence than a Sarah Palin interview, there's a premium on setting the right circumstances. It's like when you're trying to bang the governor's daughter. You gotta light a few extra candles, be extra romantic, and buy more life insurance to get the job done. Christos Gage did a great job detailing the fight and setting up the debate between Rogue and Miss Marvel. However, the premise was just a bit too off to be completely believable. For that, I give X-men Legacy #269 a 4 out of 5. Does it have two beautiful women beating each other up? Yes. Does it have a solid premise behind it? Not really. Will most guys care? Probably not. That's all you need to know about this issue. Nuff said!

Avengers #26 - Suicide Missions Can Be Awesome

There was once a time when I reviewed a greater variety of comics on this blog. There was also once a time when I didn't drink before nine in the morning, but circumstances change and so do people. What doesn't change is the annoying fact that God was too lazy to make the days longer or at least set another day of rest aside so that there was more time to review comics. But I'm not about to argue with God. He already cursed me by giving me a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to run both. He also cursed me with only one liver that can barely get the job done. Never-the-less, I did my best to review many different comics until the time came where I just couldn't reasonably deliver and still have enough time to get sufficiently drunk. That is why this blog has been exclusively reviewing X-men comics for months now. Plus, it's called X-men Supreme. I hoped that part would be obvious.

However, changing circumstances require that even drunks adapt. Avengers vs. X-men is an event that spans more than just the X-books. The events of this series have crossed a myriad of titles, including the regular Avengers titles. Now I don't talk about them much on this blog because again, it's called fucking X-men Supreme. However, I do keep up with them. Brian Michael Bendis has been the top dog on the Avengers books for a while and for the most part, the guy whose balls were big enough to kill Ultimate Spider-Man have carried this series. But now like the X-books, the events of Avengers vs. X-men have caught up with it.

This leads to a particular aspect of the Avengers vs. X-men story that hasn't been addressed all that much in the main series or the X-books, yet it was clearly established in the first issue. If you're sober enough to remember that far back, you should remember that before Captain America ventured to Utopia to calmly discuss with Cyclops the treat posed by the Phoenix (which is not unlike the way George W. Bush calmly discussed with Saddam Hussein his questionable regime in Iraq) he sent a team of Avengers into space to intercept the Phoenix. Well that story hasn't been overlooked. It just hasn't been told on the books that I've been sober enough to review. Well I'm in between bottles of whiskey, so I might as well step outside the traditions of this blog in the same way I often step outside the traditions of my country's drug laws. Except this time, I hope it doesn't end with me getting sodomized in a New Mexico county jail.

Avengers #26 takes the events of Avengers vs. X-men #1 and follows them into that cold, dark bitch we know as deep space (or Ann Coulter's vagina depending on the context). It begins by briefly expanding upon the scene with Captain America and the space team he assembled. He doesn't mince words, which might have saved him an optic blast to the head in confronting Cyclops. He tells them they're going up against a cosmic force that looks upon them with the same callousness as an elephant looks at the undigested seeds in it's shit. He calls it a suicide mission, but one they really need them to go on because they need to buy time. It may sound pointless and reckless, but when you know you're about to get flash fried by a cosmic bird you gotta take a few chances and be a bit of a douche.

Like anyone about to go on a suicide mission, there are two inclinations. One is to go on the bender to end all benders in Las Vegas with a stolen credit card from a absent minded hedge fund manager. The other is to hunt down your favorite gal pal and try to squeeze in a last minute romp and maybe see if you can convince her to try anal one last time. Noh-Varr, aka the Protector, decides to do the latter minus the anal (or so it seems). He meets up with his girl, Annie, who looks like the kind of girl you find in a biker bar and who gets her labia pierced on a dare. So why wouldn't she date a Kree? But like any girlfriend, she gets upset when she find out her boyfriend is going on a suicide mission and not even giving her enough notice to extract an expensive date from it. I don't know how vindictive Annie is. She appears to be much more forgiving than most of my exes, who always used that "the world is ending" routine as an excuse to run up my credit card debt.

Thankfully, Brian Michael Bendis is a lot more tasteful than any shitty meal my ex-girlfriends ever ordered. The Protector offers Annie his sincere affection and even does a nice little light show for her as they kiss, without slipping her a tab of acid no less. Leave it to an alien to upstage over 95 percent of us normal men in our never-ending efforts to get laid. It's still a relatively sweet moment. It doesn't have the same emotional impact of more notable Marvel relationships. These two are a long ways from being Peter Parker and Mary Jane. Give the Protector a chance to make a deal with the devil and maybe it'll be more gripping. For now, it's just something to put a smile on your face before shit starts blowing up.

And shit does blow up and not just because of the Phoenix. The initial attack already played out in the pages of Secret Avengers, another book I didn't have the time or blood-alcohol content to review. You don't need to know much other than it failed miserably. Apparently, flying head first into the teeth of a pissed off cosmic entity isn't the best strategy. It's like running into boxing ring naked with a target on your scrotum. You're not going to last long. For some reason, this upsets Beast. Even though he's dealt with the Phoenix before and should be the least surprised among everyone that they got their asses kicked, he still sees fit to destroy what is probably some very expensive piece of Avengers equipment. This is the same guy that criticized Cyclops for acting irrationally. Go figure.

But they're not quite ready to just admit they're specks in the Phoenix's shit just yet. The Protector, most likely emboldened from swapping a little spit with his girlfriend beforehand, helps Beast with his analysis and comes up with a potential strategy. The Phoenix Force is a power that doesn't operate under the traditional rules of physics, even by comic book standards. It rips through the universe and scoffs at the laws of physics in the same way Newt Gingrich scoffs as the parts of the bible that condemn adultery. So they need something else that makes Einstein roll over in his grave, namely Thor's hammer. The mystical metal, Uru, already has some pretty exotic properties. The Protector theorizes that they can use some of that mystical potential to wound or even contain parts of the Phoenix. I'm tempted to say it's a long shot, but when you're dealing with the Phoenix Force a plan to use Thor's hammer is as much a long shot as having every being in the universe spit on it.

Despite having been roughed up in the first battle, Thor pulls his Asgardian ass together for round two. What follows next is cosmic onslaught between Thor and the Phoenix Force. You've got an actual demigod against a cosmic force armed with power that would turn most solar systems into salad dressing fighting one another. It sounds epic and guess what? It is! For several solid pages, it's every bit the battle you imagine it would be.

Now we've all had those arguments in the school yard with the kid who likes to eat his own boogers. We argue endlessly on what would happen if two comic book characters fought/teamed up/fucked/or had a baby. I normally stuck to the arguments that involved who would fuck who and how fucked up their fucking would be. But occasionally, I argued about how epic certain battles would be. The Phoenix Force and Thor are a couple of characters that definitely came up on more than one occasion and without the need to sniff the glue. I won't say that the scene that unfolds in this comic is exactly how I imagined it (I often imagine the Phoenix with bigger boobs), but it's pretty damn close!

It's by far the most satisfying part of the issue and unlike before, it doesn't end with a horribly lopsided victory for cosmic forces. Thor actually manages to wound the Phoenix somewhat if that term even applies. He actually proved the Protector's theory right. He was able to capture and contain some of the Phoenix Force's energy in what is the equivalent of a Ghostbuster's backpack. For a moment it seems like there's actual hope in this struggle. There may not actually be a need to throw a phoney Jean Grey into the teeth of this cosmic parrot. Of course, that shit would make too much sense. It turns out the Protector isn't too interested in preventing the planet from being charred like a buffalo wing. Even though his gal pal is there, he's still a Kree and when the Kree come across great energy they gravitate towards it like a fat man to a Dairy Queen. That means the issue ends with the Protector screwing them over, taking the contained piece of the Phoenix Force and preparing to return to the Kree Empire. It's like paying a hooker to knock your junk around and then stealing her purse after you're finished.

While I've never been nearly as passionate about the Avengers comics as I have the X-men comics, I do consider them a guilty pleasure from time to time. They're usually the books I read when I don't feel like getting worked up into frenzy after downing one too many shots of tequila. I'm sure it's different for those who see the Avengers in the same way that I see the X-men, but for this issue and the Avengers vs. X-men as a whole I think we can come together in a moment of harmony. We're not the Crips and Bloods making peace or anything. The stories in our respective books are entwined for this event and Brian Michael Bendis accomplishes this with the same seamless efficiency that others such as Kieron Gillen and Jason Aaron have managed.

This issue really expands on the more cosmic elements of this event. While much of the conflict is centered around Hope and the threat facing Earth, the universe is still a big fucking place even in the pages of a comic. This event should take some time to add a few cosmic elements and it definitely works here. The Protector is in the most awkward position because he's not just about saving the planet where his fuck buddy resides. He's got some baggage with the Kree and why shouldn't he? The Kree have a history of sticking their alien dicks in the business of humanity and when a cosmic force like the Phoenix takes interest, why shouldn't they take interest as well? It makes for some nice drama on top of the cosmic battle between Thor and the Phoenix Force. The only major issue is that the emotions were a bit light, even in the end when the Protector gave his friends a royal fuck you. It didn't have much impact when it probably could have, but given the history of the Kree I guess it shouldn't be too surprising. It's like finding out that Nigerian Prince that promised to marry you in exchange for your credit card information turned out to be a fraud.

Avengers #26 was probably the most fun I've had reading an Avengers comic in quite some time. Marvel has really done all the right things in tying other series into Avengers vs. X-men. I honestly can't remember the last time any comic company did such a good job of making the tie-ins fit together so nicely, but then again I can barely remember the last time I didn't pass out drunk next to a dumpster on St. Patrick's Day so what do I know? Well I do know that Brian Michael Bendis deserves praise for making this comic both awesome and relevant to the greater AvX tapestry. For that I give Avengers #26 a 4.5 out of 5. Space is one big unforgiving motherfucker, but when the Phoenix Force is involved expect even suicide missions to suck in ways that make every hangover you've ever had seem tame. Nuff said!

For the ladies

Historically, comic books have always had a strong appeal to males young and old. There's just so much to love about stories of action, adventure, fighting, and attractive women running around in exceedingly revealing costumes for the average guy. This is why most comic sales go to men. This is why comics are written with young men in mind. A girl seeking comics to some men is like a unicorn, mythical yet beautiful.

But there is and always has been a strong appeal for comics in the female crowd. It just goes understated more often than not. Just think about it. In comics you have buff, muscular men running around in skin tight outfits pulling off amazing stunts of manliness and badassery. Can any woman honestly say that doesn't have some sort of appeal? You also have these same manly men doing these stunts in the name of love for their ladies. Just look at Superman and Lois Lane, Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson (until One More Day that is), or Cyclops and Jean Grey. If women like romance comics have some very epic pairings. If this can be such a draw with series like Twilight, why not with comics?

It does appear that comic books are finally seeking to tap the awesomeness for the lady crowd out there. There are already more female oriented comics like Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane, but those comics are few and far between. But this April Marvel is launching a more ambitious series called Marvel "Her-Oes." Okay, so it's not the most awesome sounding name, but their hearts are in the right place. This is a comic about superpowered teenage versions of heroines like She-Hulk, Wasp, and Miss Marvel showing off how girls can kick ass. Add to the mix the teenage drama that goes along with high school and you've got the appeal you're looking for in a female focused comic!

http://www.comicbookresources.com/?page=article&id=24451

There's only so much that can be done in the mainline series. All the continuity between Marvel and DC is hard to catch up with. A comic like this could offer the ladies a way in and bring us a step closer to a more egalitarian comic world. Awesomeness knows no gender. It deserves to be shared and enjoyed by men and women alike. There are fanboys and fangirls and it's high time we start coming together! Hopefully Her-Oes is a step in the right direction.