X-men Legacy #275 - The End Feels Awesome

There comes a time in every high when you know you're either going to pass out or sober up in a way that'll make you feel like shitting through your nose. The feeling has many parallels with what happens when a long-running comic book series ends to make way for a non-reboot relaunch. We know it's a gimmick. We know it's just a pitiful way for the big wigs at Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic to boost sales. But in the same way you know that too much blow will make your heart explode, you bury your face in it and inhale the awesome. Sure, the high is going to wear off and there's a chance you could wake up face down on a pool table with an eight-ball shoved in your ass, but it's worth it if it's awesome.

One of the many titles that is getting a relaunch at Marvel is X-men Legacy. This is a book that has been a good chunk of the bedrock for the X-books for a very long time. It spun out of Grant Morrison's New X-men run and Mike Carey spent years making sure it was consistently awesome in a way most pot dealers could never hope to match. After a successful tenure, Christos Gage took over for the home stretch. His run has had it's ups and downs. Some of it has been awesome. Some of it has been disgusting because it evokes images of Magneto's wrinkled nutsack banging against Rogue's chin.

But thankfully, that shit was officially ended at the end of X-men Legacy #274. Since then, Marvel has already announced that Rogue will be a major member of Uncanny Avengers where she may be able to get another old guy's balls banging against her chin in Captain America. But while that series is just beginning to establish itself, Rogue still has some shit to resolve in X-men Legacy and hopefully it doesn't involve cat people dongs.

X-men Legacy has been following the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men fairly closely. In the previous issue, Rogue assisted with some of the rescue efforts while trying hard to keep Magneto out of her panties. For the final issue of X-men Legacy, that aftermath continues as Rogue gets roped into helping SHIELD break up a prison riot because their infamous Raft prison was damaged during Avengers vs. X-men. And for reasons that are exceedingly convenient, nobody but Rogue is in a position to help. Being the nice girl she is (and because she's now going to be one of the pretty faces on Uncanny Avengers), she agrees to help out. She also gets Mimic to tag along, who has been somewhat fucked up since the Weapon Omega story a few arcs back. At first, it sounds like he's trying to get into Rogue's panties. She's quick to remind him that since she's broken away from Magneto, her panties are not fit for anyone's presence. But he makes it clear that he admires her ability to ditch baggage like Magneto and come off looking hot doing it. And maybe by helping her with that mission, some of that skill will rub off. But since he doesn't have Rogue's rack, the odds are stacked against him.

Rogue and Mimic arrive on the Raft to the kind of prison riot you won't see without a severe concussion and a massive dose of LSD. Perhaps this is Marvel's way of showing how the X-men and Avengers are cooperating now that they've discovered that fighting one another leads to a shitty comic book event. But it still comes off as utterly ridiculous that she and Mimic are the only ones that can handle this shit. The action here is pretty awesome, which is welcome since X-men Legacy has been pretty light on the action lately and heavy on cat people dongs. Since this is the last issue before the relaunch, it's refreshing to see an X-book get back to basics by having a hot woman like Rogue show a pansy little shit like Mimic how to kick ass.

But like I mentioned earlier, they horribly undermanned and the Avengers can't be bothered to break up a typical prison riot. They just have to save their energy for more important shit like fucking with cosmic entities and blaming the guy who was right all along. Okay, bad example. But since Rogue isn't a dumb shit, she understands that all these super-powered criminals aren't going to go down quietly and they can't expect the Avengers or the other X-men to get off their fat asses to help them. And since Mimic is know for his strategy about as much as he's known for his ability to soak Rogue's panties, Rogue has to come up with the plan. So she expects him to not be a pussy and hold off the riot until she hatches a plan. It sounds like she's trusting Pacman Jones at a strip club, but that's how limited her options are I guess.

With Mimic now holding the line, Rogue ventures into the part of the prison that hasn't devolved into a mass shank-fest. She stands in front of a bunch of hardened superpowered criminals that probably haven't seen a pair of breasts outside stick figures drawn on their cell walls and gives a rather rousing if not futile speech. But it's not as cliched as it sounds. Rogue's speech essentially sums up her personal journey over the course of X-men Legacy. She tells them about how she had once been bad enough to let Magneto touch her breasts. She had been a villain who had made some pretty lousy decisions that were almost as bad as letting Magneto see her naked. Yet she was able to overcome that shit and be better. She was able to become the kick-ass X-man she is now.

It may not be a Braveheart style speech, but it is an extremely appropriate speech given the context of the issue. Since this is the final issue of X-men Legacy, it acts as an epilogue of sorts to show Rogue's current mindset while reflecting on how far she's come. It's a great moment in some ways, even if it doesn't have the necessary emotional impact. It still acts as a nice summation to what X-men Legacy has been about for all these years and in that sense it's satisfying.

Most of the prisoners are inclined to just ask that she show them her boobs. I admit I would probably ask the same. But some superpowered criminals aren't complete douche-bags and offer her the use of their powers. And she doesn't even have to show them her boobs. It's a little bland in that respect, but it has the desired effect. Now Rogue is armed with some extra power that not only makes her capable of taking on an entire prison of superpowered criminals, but it makes her look even more menacing than before. Yet somehow she's still hot enough to jerk off to. Very few characters can pull that shit off and Rogue has made a habit of pulling it off throughout the course of X-men Legacy. I speak for my penis when I say I'll really miss that.

Armed with this new power and with Mimic managing to hold off long enough to not piss himself, Rogue is able to quell the prison riot in another round of action that's both satisfying and entertaining. It's not overly elaborate and it's a little chaotic at times, but then again X-men Legacy has never been known for well-organized action. It's still impressive enough to make Mimic reconsider trying to get into Rogue's panties. Even if he has no chance, you have to believe he's committing this to memory the next time he's alone with a bottle of lube and no internet connection. And since this may very well Rogue's last big action moment in the pages of X-men Supreme, it's something for both readers and my penis to savor.

Later on after the Raft is somewhat unfucked, Mimic catches up with Rogue back at the Jean Grey Institute and they have a nice moment. Rogue essentially gives Mimic another speech that also sums up her journey and how she intends to move forward. It's a little melodramatic, but it's still a nice, concise summation of where she is now and how her journey and X-men Legacy has led her to this point. It doesn't feel overly contrived either because Mimic seems to be in a similar position, not sure of himself and needing guidance from a hot chick with bigger balls (and tits) than he'll ever have. But it doesn't quite have the impact it should for a final issue.

In many ways, these speeches by Rogue are like bookends to the theme of X-men Legacy. It's always been one of those X-books that deals with characters looking to rebuild themselves from a fucked up past. Whether it's Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, or Frenzy they're stuck making choices that often lead to shit exploding and cat-people dongs. But Rogue's journey has been the most complete. Her speech may be a bit wordy here, but it covers all the basics and gives the reader a nice sense of what X-men Legacy has been all about.

The final scene is a nice little image of Rogue essentially telling Mimic that once he gets his shit together, it feels better than a blow job and a bong hit. It also shows that Rogue has gotten to that point, minus the blow job and the bong hit of course. The final scene essentially caps off Rogue's journey in X-men Legacy. It's not over for the X-books in general, but it's over for X-men Legacy. After you wipe the tears from your eye and the lube from your dick, it finally sinks in. This story is over and a new one is set to begin.

X-men Legacy has been a unique approach to AX-men since it began under Mike Carey's pen. Rogue has been the central focus for years and in that time she's gone through a lot of growth and a fuckton of regression, primarily due to her boning Magneto. There have been times where X-men Legacy has been the most consistent source of awesome in the X-books and there have been times when it has been nauseatingly unreadable (see cat people dongs). Now that it's over, what kind of legacy does X-men Legacy leave behind? Well it can't be too shitty because Marvel is relaunching this shit with an exceedingly short grace period. But the new X-men Legacy promises to get away from the stories surrounding Rogue and focus on Legion, Xavier's now orphaned Schizophrenic son. So the focus has gone from a hot woman with a great rack in Rogue to a mentally unbalanced dick-cheese with fucked up hair. That has to be the worst tagline for a comic in history.

But the major theme of X-men Legacy #275 was to close this chapter in Rogue's history and make way for the next one. She's already poised to move on in Uncanny Avengers and hopefully not ending up being as big a dick as Captain America. But her story in this series had to end and for the most part, that's what this issue did. It wasn't overly dramatic. Rogue's speech to all the prisoners was a nice summation of how far she's come and where she is now. However, it still came off as rather bland and not very compelling. So she's moved on from being Magneto's fuck-toy, but that's about it. Granted, she's been through a lot more in this series, but you don't really get that impression in reading this issue. It was nice that Mimic provided a means with which to sort of convey that sentiment. But in the end it didn't resonate as well as it could have.

It still felt like a solid ending. After reading this issue, you get the sense that Rogue doesn't need to be in this comic anymore. She's got another story to follow in Uncanny Avengers. However, it doesn't really do much to get you excited for Legion taking over. Given how little he's been used lately, his emergence at this point would just feel somewhat random despite the recent death of Charles Xavier. I like that Rogue got to have one last moment of badassery that summed up her current state in the Marvel universe. But it could have been a lot more awesome. That's why I give X-men Legacy #275 a 3 out of 5.

Rogue has been on an amazing, bonerific journey in the pages of X-men Legacy. The book won't be nearly as awesome or nearly as easy to masturbate to with her gone. But from Mike Carey to Christos Gage, her story has been an awesome ride. It's lasted through many bottles of lube and many boxes of tissues. It'll have a special place in my heart, on my dick, and in the annuls of the X-men mythos. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #274 - Past Relationships and Future Awesome

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't review another issue of X-men Legacy that involved the dongs of cat people. I'm sorry. I may be an X-men fan with a drinking problem, but I have my limits. I simply cannot bring myself to review a comic whose premise is too ridiculous no matter how much weed I smoke. It sure didn't help that X-men Legacy did such a great job of tying in with Avengers vs. X-men at first, only to piss it all away for fucking cat people dongs. I've been on the business end of some pretty shitty trades, namely one where I unknowingly gave a couple hundred bucks to a guy who sold me Flintstone vitamins and claimed they were ecstasy. But there's no fair trade for cat people dongs.

Thankfully, that story was over and t ended as predictably as it should with Rogue getting back to her world just in time for the shit storm in Avengers vs. X-men #11. That comic may have sucked, but at least it didn't involve cat people dongs. Sorry if I seem like I'm beating a dead horse here, but some shit is just too hard to forget no matter how many brain cells you kill. And as bad as that story was, I'm not inclined to just ditch X-men Legacy. The series is one of the numerous titles that will be relaunching as part of the Marvel NOW! non-reboot that Marvel is hyping. That means there are only a few issues left with which to tie up loose ends and I might as well check them out before the non-reboot brings in a different kind of dong.

As much as I've enjoyed X-men Legacy, there is one aspect aside from dongs that makes my asshole clench like a Rabbi in Iran. That's the Rogue/Magneto relationship. Now Marvel has a long list of shitty, downright toxic relationships in their comics. Hell, they've had Hank Pym beat the shit out of his wife for making a joke about how many Pym particles it took to make his dick big. But this relationship was like a two hungry cannibals drenched in steak sauce going down on each other. It was bound to go horribly bad at some point. So when Rogue left for the Jean Grey Institute and Magneto stayed on Genosha, my stomach rejoiced. Now it could save the vomiting for alcohol and cocaine benders in Cancun. However, they never officially wrapped up this abomination of a relationship. And that's what X-men Legacy #274 is expected to do.

Now in reading this comic, we do get exposed to a few spoilers for Avengers vs. X-men. But they're about as surprising as Ricky Martin's sexuality. The X-men lost. The utopian world the Phoenix Five created was blown to shit. And now everybody hates mutants again and not the assholes (the Avengers) who picked a fight with them. It means people are in danger, buildings have collapsed, and wi-fi signals are weak. So despite humans having more reasons to piss themselves around mutants, Rogue tries to help in Washington DC with rescue efforts. She gets a gun pointed at her, but it still beats cat people dongs. Okay, I promise that'll be the last dong reference.

Since it has been a while since Magneto used a tragedy to try and snake his way into Rogue's panties, he shows up and offers to help. He also gets a few guns pointed at him (and by a few I mean a shit ton along with automatic weapons) and more deservedly so. This is a guy who talks about wiping out the human race as casually as most people talk about ordering Chinese food. Yet for some reason that still got Rogue's panties wet. I'll never understand that in the same way I'll never understand why supermodels marry butt-ugly rock stars, but for the sake of this comic I'll hold back my nausea. Rogue also manages to hold back the guys with the guns, as if she really needed to against a guy who could have easily turned them on everyone and danced to the sound of their blood hitting the pavement. But he didn't. He's here for Rogue's pussy and not for killing humans. As such, he agrees to help her free the people trapped in the subway. Plus, it means being in an enclosed space with her and anyone who has been in a closet with a drunk chick knows how all sorts of crazy shit can happen in that environment.

But there's crazy and there's just plain fucked up. As they're sifting their way through the wreckage, Magneto gets down on one knee and not in a way that would lead you to believe he's trying out for gay porn. My stomach almost declared war on me on the spot, but thankfully Gage isn't quite that cruel. Magneto wasn't proposing. It just looked like he was, so much so that even Rogue got a little sickened. Magneto quickly tucks it back in his pants before explaining that since the world nearly came to an end (again and not by his hands for once), it's led him to reevaluate his priorities. And her pussy is now at the top of the list. He tells her this after he casually justifies what he did during Avengers vs. X-men as always doing what's best for mutants. And if humans get in the way, fuck them. Considering the casual way in which he talks about both subjects, I can't see how any sober woman that hasn't dated Charlie Sheen could take him seriously.

And this is a microcosm of why the Rogue/Magneto relationship is so utterly fucked. How can you take Magento's affections seriously when the only thing he takes seriously involve mutants dominating humans? I'm not saying he's incapable of feeling love. I'm just saying that love is only as deep as Michael Vick's love for dogs. That's why their relationship was like nitro and glycerine. Alone, they're okay. But together, shit is just bound to blow up and not in the way that makes for a good porno.

Thankfully, Rogue doesn't get a chance to respond to Magento's affections. Unlike him, she still gives a damn about innocent people. That includes the people whose blood Magneto would gladly use as anal lube if he was so inclined. So despite her panties remaining locked, he helps her free some innocent people who were trapped in the rubble of a subway car. Magneto even offers her some of his power to help, but she's extremely reluctant to touch him. I'm pretty sure she knows she's just going to get images of his fantasies of her in stiletto heels covered in Nazi blood and she doesn't need that when she's trying to rescue people.

But not everyone is lucky enough to just be trapped. Rogue comes across a guy named Richard who was unlucky enough to be impaled in the wreckage. Surprisingly, he has a good sense of humor about it. At this point the rubble is starting to give way and he's wounded to the point where even Dr. House wouldn't be able to save him. He seems to know this and while Rogue is trying to free him, he tells her about his own love story and unless you're a conservative Christian or Muslim it's a billion times more touching than Rogue and Magneto's relationship will ever be.

This guy, Richard, is a closet gay who works on Capitol Hill and presumably wasn't tweeted a picture of Anthony Weiner's penis. But he has a stud lover named Dale with whom he's been hiding his relationship. Now that he's dying, he's kicking himself for not giving the finger to the Christian Right and choosing to be with him. He also talks about heeding the decisions of those around him who think the asshole is only for shitting. Now he's realized how fucked that is and it's a beautiful thing. Again, if the whole homosexuality thing isn't for you, then you're probably not comfortable reading comics about minorities in the first place so go back to sucking Pat Robertson's dick.

Rogue manages to free him, but the tunnel finally collapses. It forces Magneto to give a damn about this dying man because Rogue is intent on saving him. He's able to use his powers to get them out, but it's too late for Richard. He's declared dead on the spot. It's tragic. A gay man dies while an old man with a history of supporting mass genocide against humanity lives and has the chance to bone a pretty girl. I'm pretty sure GLADD will send hate mail to Marvel for shit like this, but they already got a gay wedding in Astonishing X-men so I think Marvel can brush it off. It also clearly affects Rogue because Richard's situation was similar to hers, minus the sodomy. It only reinforces the notion that she needs to lock her panties from Magneto forever, but in the nicest way possible.

Rogue and Magneto finally have their overdue conversation in a park in the classic Hugh Grant moment. It gets to be sickening in some ways. They do share a kiss that should sit about as well as a stomach full of sulfuric acid, but Rogue makes it clear that she wants to take a lesson from Richard and not let other assholes decide her life for her. A part of her also understands that a guy willing to justify any atrocity for the good of his people is not someone she should be boning. In the end she makes clear that her decisions don't involve her and Magneto swapping body fluids. He seems to understand, but he doesn't give the impression that he's taken her pussy out of his list of priorities. It's a solid resolution, but not one that's absolute. So the potential for more of this stomach churning bullshit is still there, but far more tolerable and nothing a few shots of tequila and NyQuil can't fix.

Since Mike Carey's glory days on this series, X-men Legacy has been Rogue's journey. She's gone through her share of growth, drama, and tampons. She's one of the X-men's heavy hitters and this series has been a constant reminder why. But the Magneto relationship is like finding gay porn under Chuck Norris's bed. It's a rather disturbing aspect of an otherwise badass journey. Never-the-less, Christos Gage went out of his way to lay this shit to rest in this issue. And for that, my stomach and I thank him.

But this issue did more than just assure readers that they wouldn't have to endure any more thoughts of Magneto's wrinkly ball sack slapping against Rogue's chin. It showed how Rogue's journey had evolved. She's now in a very different place compared to where she was after Schism. She's at a crossroads in her life and ready to make her own decisions instead of letting others decide for her with some trying to snake their way into her panties. It also reminds readers that Magneto is still a tool who will justify all his bullshit under the guise of doing what's best for his people. He's not the kind of guy you want to bone sober and Rogue seems to finally understand that even if it took her way too fucking long. Even if these revelations were painfully obvious and long overdue, at least they've finally been addressed.

This alone makes the issue satisfying, but what definitely helps is the added drama of the gay couple that never got to say goodbye. If you're a registered Republican, it'll probably disgust you. But if you don't have that kind of evil in your heart, it'll add some extra emotion to the mix. Is it contrived? Fuck yes. But does it matter? Fuck no. The premise of this comic wasn't built around an epic struggle. It was a personal journey and each element linked up nicely in the end. For that I give X-men Legacy #274 a 3.5 out of 5.

So it's almost over. Just one issue left of X-men Legacy before the big non-reboot! Rogue is on her way to joining Uncanny Avengers while Magneto is on his way to justifying his next great atrocity. It's an exciting time for the X-books. Fuck Avengers vs. X-men and bring in Marvel NOW! Just leave out the cat people dongs. Nuff said!

First X-men #2 - Initial Recruiting Awesome

In this modern era of big budget comic book movies, the origin story is deemed almost as important as how much the costume amplifies the cleavage on the female protagonist. In comics, origins usually take a backseat to stories about heroes fighting monsters, heroes humping other heroes, and occasionally heroes humping villains (Batman and Catwoman have defiled many rooftops). And when comics usually do an origins story, it's met with the same enthusiasm as an economics lecture. But every now and then, an origins story is not only awesome. It actually fills a void that has been unused if not completely ignored like Ron Paul's presidential campaign.

Seeking to capitalize on the success of X-men First Class, Marvel was able to convince Neal Adams to stop banging Emma Frost cos-players for just long enough to do a special 5-issue mini-series called First X-men. Now on the surface, it just seems like another shameless effort by Marvel to squeeze a little bit of extra profit from the teat of one of their movies. And it is. Make no mistake about it. But despite what the hippies of the world would have you believe, shameless exploitation for profit can still result in awesome stories just as much as it can result in inhumane sweat shop conditions.

I reviewed First X-men #1 when it came out and I was able to enjoy it with only a few bong hits. It established a story during a time in the X-men's history that really hasn't been explored. That's one of the remarkable things about X-men. Unlike every other comic book series that ever existed, Marvel hasn't told too many stories about the period when Charles Xavier decided that his lifelong dream should be to find gullible teenagers to dress up in spandex uniforms and play hero. First X-men #1 showed Xavier as someone who was reluctant to help mutants. And by reluctant I mean he flat out refuses to help Wolverine and Sabretooth like the douche-bag he eventually becomes. It also showed Wolverine and Sabretooth before Weapon X made them intent on maiming one another horribly. Most of the first issue was spent setting up the circumstances that had their paths cross. Now the second issue promises to take those circumstances and extract the sweet nectar of awesome and/or vodka, whichever comes first.

The end of First X-men #1 has Wolverine and Sabretooth continuing their little recruiting run without Charles Xavier's help. Keep in mind they don't have Cerebro, a jet, or a freakin' mansion to help them play hero in luxury. They're just going by a bunch of old files they found at a research lab in the previous issue. Those files were what led them to a mutant named Holly Bright who gets her kicks out of creating illusions that don't involve three-ways with Swedish bikini models sadly. She now goes by the codename Holo, which sounds like a strange slash fanfiction fandom for Star Wars. But it actually a pretty appropriate codename because in the first pages of First X-men #2 she puts those powers to good use.

Using the same files that allowed them to find Holly, Wolverine and Sabretooth track down another mutant whose powers make him look like the bastard love child of Chewbaca and Betty White. They find him harassing a couple of redneck hunters looking for Bigfoot. I admit if I looked like this kid, I would probably do the same. But he's not just doing it for shits and giggles. This guy is trying to track down his brother, who like Anthony in the previous issue, was abducted. After Holo fucks with the rednecks a little more in a way that gives the finger to Jeff Foxworthy, this burly mutant takes on the codename Yeti and agrees to help Wolverine's proto-X-men.

With a real life Bigfoot on their side, Wolverine and Sabretooth head back to hell hole at Quantico, Virginia where they had been bitch slapped in the last issue. They go with the intention of breaking out Anthony, the kid Wolverine tried to save in the first place. Bur rather than having to fight his way through hoards of government thugs that are probably on Mitt Romney's payroll, they find out that Anthony slipped away by hiding in a mass grave. It's as fucked up as it sounds, but it worked. It's nothing a few decades of therapy can't cure, I'm sure. It may not be as satisfying as seeing the proto-X-men stick it to over-funded government agencies, but it does logically flow from a story that began in the previous issue. As someone who has failed many a breathalyzer tests, I can say without reservation that coherence goes a long way.

With Anthony on their side and plenty more files to go over, Wolverine takes his proto-X-men to one of his many cabins to hide out. Where he gets the money for this shit isn't explained. We're simply left to conclude that he made a killing as a gigolo to horny housewives of Orange County. It's not Xavier Institute, but it does allow Wolverine and Sabretooth take a breather with their new team. And true to their proto-X-men heritage, they start training their recruits.

These scenes are very reminiscent of the scene in X-men First Class when Xavier and Magneto began training their first team of X-men without the aid of a Danger Room or instructors. It's all very rudimentary, but it proves pretty effective especially for guys like Anthony. Thanks to a little pep talk and focus, he's able to control how he blows himself up. He even takes on a new codename, Bomb. There's a joke about Lindsey Lohan's last movie in that name somewhere, but I'll resist the temptation for now.

After completing this bare bones, disorganized training, Wolverine and Sabretooth feel the team is ready for another recruiting mission. It makes about as much sense as it sounds until we find out that the guy they're trying to recruit is none other than freakin' Magneto. At the end of the last issue, we got a brief glimpse as to how Magneto was at that phase of his life where he couldn't get a boner unless he was torturing a Nazi. The proto-X-men try to win him over by doing his job for him, saying that his next Nazi victim had an "accident" in the same way Charles Mansion has "issues." Logic would dictate that killing a Nazi would earn you brownie-points with any holocaust survivor. But Magneto doesn't roll that way.

He turns on the proto-X-men just as he turns on the real X-men every other Thursday. At this stage of his life, Magneto doesn't take kindly to others robbing him of his Nazi torturing play time. Did I also mention they were in a junk yard in Argentina? As in a junk yard full of scrap metal? So this under-trained and under-manned group of proto-X-men might as well be Andy Dick trying to fight Chuck Norris.

Despite Wolverine and Sabretooth's efforts to subdue or reason with Magneto, they fail to earn his forgiveness for killing a Nazi before he could. But Magneto at this stage does understand that attacking his fellow mutants is counter-productive. So he just brushes them off with a warning about muscling in on his Nazi-killing and tells them that the human race sucks and will fuck them over repeatedly. It's basically the same Magneto we know and love, which is kind of disappointing because the end of the last issue implied we would get a Nazi-hunting Magneto. And as every World War II game ever has shown, anything is more badass when you put the word Nazi-hunting in front of it. So you leave feeling denied in a sense.

But it isn't just a young Magneto that plays a part in the early years of the X-men. While we didn't get a deeper glimpse into Magneto's Nazi-hunting past, we do get a fresh glimpse into the lives of the human assholes that eventually dedicate their time to shitting all over the X-men. One of them is Bolivar Trask, the man who would later create the Sentinels and rip off a generation of Voltron fans. But at this stage in his life he's just a struggling engineer with a robot fetish and Agent Duncan, the X-men's equivalent to Agent Coulson, is among those who think killer robots is a bad idea. Since at this stage in the X-men's history the powers that be have yet to determine which recourse is the least fucked up, they decide a different path.

Unfortunately, it involves taking a page right out of Weapon X and making another attempt to control mutants in the same way women control the speed on their vibrators. It's not as sexy as it sounds, but you get the concept. This leads the bald-headed director who looks like a less crazy version of the Pope to introduce both men to a mutant named Virus. He/she/it (I can't see any tits or crotch so I can't tell) is basically a blob with wires that appears to be able to control mutants. It's basically a living Weapon X. You can see where they're going with this and can probably imagine all the colorful ways it will fuck up. Granted, this is before the X-men and before they know how badly fucking with mutants can screw them over. But I guess that doesn't mean their first lesson can be as nasty as any tentacle rape in Japanese anime porn.

I look at First X-men in the same way I look at Aaron Rogers. The guy can win a fucking Superbowl, become league MVP, lead his team to a 15-1 record, and break the NFL record for passer rating in a single season yet he'll always be thought of as a spin-off to the guy who once texted a picture of his penis. Even if First X-men was as good as Aaron Rogers, it would still be in the shadow of the X-men First Class movie. It doesn't qualify for doing shitty commercials for State Farm Insurance just yet, but it's still a fun comic that does follow the same spirit of X-men First Class. I don't know if Neal Adams or Christos Gage also texted a picture of their dicks for good measure, but I'm assuming the thought has crossed their mind.

But unlike Aaron Rogers, First X-men #2 doesn't exactly put up the awe-inspiring numbers that its predecessor did. First X-men #1 ended with the promise of Magneto playing an active role in his Nazi-killing badass phase. We really didn't get any of that here aside from a failed recruitment effort. All it really did was remind the readers that Magneto hates Nazis and holds humanity in very poor regard because of it. Even though Neal Adams's art makes it an interesting battle, not much is accomplished as a result. In fact, there really isn't much accomplishment aside from building a team. They may act like X-men, but they've yet to really take on that role and you don't get the sense they're really leading to it. Plus, Xavier doesn't even show up again to become slightly less a douche-bag. It gives the comic a very lackluster feel.

However, there is a fun story to follow here. The way in which Yeti and Bomb join the team feels natural and fluid. This issue flows nicely from the previous issue even if we didn't get the Nazi-hunting Magneto we were promised. It also is rich in detail both in terms of Neal Adams's eye-popping art and in terms of how Christos Gage addresses more minute aspects of the proto-X-men like how they learn to fight and how they operate as a team. It also set the stage for Bolivar Trask to walk the path that makes him one of the X-men's stinkiest assholes. While the end of the first issue didn't pan out in the second, I'm still gullible enough to believe that maybe it'll make the next issue as awesome as it looks. I'm not as gullible as a Jehovah's Witness wishes I was, but unlike organized religion First X-men has actually shown me proof that it can be awesome. That's why I give First X-men #2 a 3 out of 5. It's a comic that leaves you wanting more, but in a good way. Not in the way that leaves you wanting water after being locked in a sauna by your drunken frat buddies. More in the way that boning three hot blondes makes you want to bone a Hallie Berry. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #272 - Too Much Talking and Not Enough Awesome

When it comes to a comic book that has fucked itself like a triple-jointed nymphomaniac acrobat, I'm usually pretty forgiving. I'm no fucking Gandhi, but I am a reasonable drunk if nothing else. I'm always willing to offer a second chance, whether it's with a comic or with someone who is sincerely sorry they smoked all my weed and took a shit on my couch. Now I've yet to see a comic book ever outright apologize for shitty issues. Marvel has never shown even the slightest remorse for shit like the Clone Saga or Chuck Austin's Uncanny X-men run. DC isn't much better, who still haven't apologized for that shitty Superboy Prime continuity punch. But I'm of the opinion that the best way for a comic to make up for shitty issues is to make the next issue extra awesome.

This extra awesome is vital for a series like X-men Legacy and not just because it's one of the many titles relaunching under the Marvel NOW! initiative. Anyone who read my review of X-men Legacy #271 should still have their assholes clenched at the thought of how fucked this title has become. At the onset of the Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins, X-men Legacy was the early gold standard. Now it's standards are lower than the producers of the Jersey Shore. It's one thing to just tell a shitty story. It's quite another to take an awesome character like Rogue and essentially cast her out from the shit storm that is AvX into some crazy world where a bunch of cat-people offer to bone her (both literally and figuratively). It was quite possibly the most forgettable tie-in in the history of tie-ins. I mean how the fuck do you go from fighting cosmic forces to fending off cat people that want to bone you? There isn't a magic mushroom in the world magical enough to conjure that shit.

But I am more than willing to give X-men Legacy #272 a shot. X-men Legacy has had it's ups and downs before, but it has a history of fighting it's way back, kicking my ass, and doing it in a way that gives me a serious boner (amongst other things). Now I'm not expecting an apology from Marvel or pictures of the asshole that lost the bar fight that led to this issue (although they would be much appreciated). But I would at least expect a story that is somewhat more memorable and somehow relevant in way that can't be forgotten with a single bong hit. That may be asking a lot. Then again, this is X-men Legacy. It does have a legacy to hold up and not just in name alone.

X-men Legacy #272 picks up after the overly predictable ending in the previous issue. Actually, it picks up AFTER that overly predictable ending hinted at some action. In the phantom pages between the end of X-men Legacy #271 and the first pages of X-men Legacy #272, Rogue is subdued by the cat people's arch enemies, the Swarm. We don't get to see the struggle. We don't get to see much of anything aside from the the king of the cat people thinking this pretty girl who they offered their finest studs wasn't as good as her rack made her out to be. The only action we get is when we catch up with Rogue while she's being marched away with the Swarm while they try to influence her with their hive mind. She tries to break free, but fails without much of a battle. It's as exciting as it sounds.

If you thought it couldn't get more predictable, then clearly you have awesome weed because the first thing the Swarm does is take Rogue to their queen and the source of the hive mind. That's like giving North Korean gangsters your passport and credit card info. Shit is not going to turn out well. The queen tries force her into the Swarm's hive mind (again). And (again) she fails miserably and Rogue fights her way out. Since she doesn't have her Miss Marvel powers, there's nothing really spectacular about it. It's just a hot girl running from a pack of monsters. You can pretty much get the same shit from EVERY slasher movie ever made.

Since she's not armed with the same power as before, the Swarm subdues her (yet again). At this point, no amount of weed is enough to make you overlook the growing trend here. The queen tries (yet again) to bring Rogue into their collective hive mind. But instead of another epic struggle, we get something that different that actually ends up being more boring if you can believe that.

The queen takes Rogue into a psychic journey of sorts that's about as exciting as a staring contest between a couple of dead fish. She explains with some very shitty visuals the joys of being part of a hive mind. It's pretty much everything you hear from North Korean propaganda. Everybody is on the same team. There are no secrets. Everybody has a common goal. Nobody is better than everybody else except for some great leader who probably jerks off behind the scenes while everyone else suffers. It's not quite as vile as Nazi collectivism and to the credit of the queen, she tries to paint it as a good thing. But it's all just needlessly wordy and any reader that isn't part of a Mormon cult won't take it seriously.

Rogue responds with an equally wordy, equally predictable rebuttal. It basically amounts to "being a mindless drone sucks" and "thinking for yourself is awesome." It all sounds so nice, like something you would see in a Mitt Romney add, minus the subtle racism. But again, it's so painfully predictable and bland that you really don't even have to read it. You can just assume Rogue reads from a script of every evil empire vs. freedom loving hero story ever made and it's pretty much the same thing. Rogue doesn't say anything that stands out aside from the queen, the great leader of the hive mind, keeping secrets. They're probably not as bad as Kim Jong Ill's porno collection, but to make the queen ditch the whole "free will is overrated debate." It's probably for the best.

The queen orders the Swarm to attack Rogue and the one other Swarm that tried to corrupt her earlier, who may have overheard the queen's dirty little secret. So he/she or whatever the fuck qualifies as a gender for these things is like the guy who walked in on Sadam Hussein while he was masturbating to pictures of Hillary Clinton. He might as well not exist. The attack isn't all that spectacular. Instead of fighting back this time, Rogue just decides to play dead and allows herself and the unfortunate Swarm to fall into a canyon. Of course they survive because this comic just wasn't predictable enough I guess. If you're still awake at this point, consider yourself lucky.

After the rest of the Swarm are confident they're dead, Rogue and the now excommunicated Swarm break out. Rogue is even nice enough to completely cut his link from the hive mind. This is probably as traumatic as cutting off a teenage girl from her Facebook account. This helps reveal a secret that really shouldn't be very startling. This whole war between the cat people and the Swarm is nothing more than a theater between a couple of power-hungry monarchs. It would be a great twist if there was at least some indication that there was a mystery behind it. That shit was never even hinted at so when you find out, it has about as much impact as another sex scandal involving a gay-bashing politician and male prostitute.

So all we really find out in this debate between individualism and collectivism is that authority figures are dicks and war is just one big joke. It's almost as if Rogue was nothing more than a prop in that joke. This doesn't really feel like her journey anymore. It's a sci-fi cookie cutter story that offers nothing new or compelling. Rogue now has to stop a war between two alien races and it has absolutely nothing to do with the events of Avengers vs. X-men. If this issue was meant to rescue the series from obscurity and make up for the previous issue, it failed miserably.

When I finished reading the last issue, my first response was to bang my head against the wall and swallow copious amounts of sleeping pills. My reaction to this issue was similar, but I didn't need the sleeping pills. This issue was dull and boring enough to be a fucking Ambien commercial. Rogue was yanked out of Avengers vs. X-men and thrust into the middle of an alien war. Yet this issue made it look as though she was in the middle of a republican primary debate. It was mostly talk, a philosophical debate on the merits of collectivism vs. individualism. Of freedom vs. order. Now I'm all for philosophical debates after ingesting a certain amount of LSD, but shit like this has no place in a fucking comic book arc about an alien war. It's not like a new twist was put on this argument either. Being in a collective is boring. Being individualistic is chaotic. The connections between this and Avengers vs. X-men were more loose than the shit in an Indian public restroom. That makes this issue all the more forgettable and only half as nauseating.

At least with the previous issue, we had some funny and memorable moments. I still laugh when I recall the look on Rogue's face when she was offered to bone some of the finest studs the cat people have to offer. But this issue had no boning, no hints at boning, and embarrassing moments for Rogue. It was just her talking and getting the two opposing sides to talk. That's about as exciting as it sounds. There's not a single memorable moment or a memorable piece of dialog. You could probably take the speech of any Republican politician, minus the racist, anti-gay, and anti-woman innuendo, and paste it into Rogue's dialog here on the merits of individual free will and there won't be much difference. You would think Rogue would at least show some of her trademark sass in the face of an alien war, but we get none of that shit here.

Now I'm not giving up on X-men Legacy. I still love this series, but I'm ready for this fucking arc to be over. This issue and the previous issue were boring, forgettable, and dull. The only good thing I can say about them is that they haven't butchered any characters or done any major damage to the rest of X-men Legacy or the X-books as a whole. In that sense, it's nowhere nearly as fucked up as every Ultimate title at the moment. It's just completely useless and not worth picking up. And with no cat people dongs to save it, I can only give X-men Legacy #272 a 1.5 out of 5. It's boring. It's dull. There's really no reason for this issue or this arc to exist other than trying to subtly influence comic fans into voting Republican. In that sense, comics like this aren't just bad. They're a Republican conspiracy. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #271 - Utterly Forgettable (Except For Naked Cat Men)

When I was in high school, I missed my share of awesome parties for a number of extremely unawesome reasons. One time some dick-cheese who probably got sick of me beating his ass at beer pong once slipped roofies into my whiskey. Not only did I miss the party, I woke up naked in my high school locker spooning a tuba that I stole from the music department. Sometimes I missed a party for reasons that resulted in much less brain damage. One time in college, my stoner roommate gave me the wrong directions to a party and we ended up on a Mormon compound with this crazy preacher guy saying that we'll find god in his rectum. I'm not sure if that's exactly what he said, but he was speaking in tongues so I'm pretty sure his rectum was part of it. My point is, if there's any point to begin with, is that missing a party sucks balls and that extends to comics.

X-men Legacy has delivered some damn good tie-ins with Avengers vs. X-men so far. We've seen Frenzy butcher a bunch of ruthless African warlords while dealing with some unresolved childhood issues in the process. We've also seen Rogue and Miss Marvel fight in a ways that could only have been more awesome if they did so in their underwear. In the last issue, Rogue's unwavering support of the Phoenix Five finally caught up to her when she found out they were imprisoning Avengers in a little slice of Limbo run by Magik. That's like making Ted Bundy the head of a sorority house. It was pretty fucking gruesome, but Rogue only ended up screwing herself out of the party when she attempted to free Miss Marvel and tell her she was right.

This led to Magik, being a merciful teenage girl with god-like power after all, to cast Rogue into some pocket dimension that James Cameron probably birthed when he was high on shrooms. It's an effective way of dealing with someone who wasn't afriad to get naked with Magneto. But at the same time, it takes Rogue and X-men Legacy by default out of the Avenger vs. X-men story. It's like being in the middle of open heart surgery and stopping to do a pap smear for Courtney Love. One isn't related to the other and each can be equally disastrous. Now I love seeing Rogue shine in crazy alternate worlds, but not during the middle of a big story. It's like taking a shit and jerking off at the same time. One sort of defeats the other.

Never-the-less, X-men Legacy #271 promises to show off Rogue's trademark awesome in all the right ways. It has her landing right in the middle of a battle between a couple of stereotypical alien hoards. Okay, so maybe stereotypical is a loaded term when you're referring to hoards. One looks like a hoard of disgusting insects. One looks like a hoard of Thundercats ripoffs. Since the insects don't have anyone nearly as hot as Cheetara, it's probably safe to assume that the cat people are the good guys.

As is the case for any hero that gets caught up in an alien war, they don't know which side to root for at this point. They usually have to wait until some hulking monster attacks them and decides for them. Well if you were hoping for this comic to buck the tend, go back to hoping they'll have gay marriage in Saudi Arabia because there's nothing surprising here. A very bland and very generic green hulking monster that looks like a prototype version of Swamp Thing (that or a very large glob of Hulk's semen) attacks Rogue and since she's still armed with Miss Marvel's powers, she blasts right through it and doesn't even get her hair messy. In an issue of X-men Legacy, we just can't have that now can we?

But Rogue doesn't stick around to find out who else the Hulk rip-off was attacking. She opts for some peace in quiet in what looks like an LSD trip into Wonderland. There's some light inner monologue here, but it's nothing too memorable. She just thinks the same shit anyone would think if they ended up on an alien planet, minus the part where they shit their pants. There isn't much talk about the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Hell, you wouldn't even know that shit is still going on if you were careless and/or high. If that weren't bad enough, the story continues to be overly predictable. Rogue is attacked yet again, this time by one of the cat people. He's no Cheetara or Lion-O, but I guess Marvel is saving their pet fetishes for the next big event featuring Squirrel Girl.

Rogue and her attacker exchange a few blows. The attacker is speaking an alien language so she doesn't know what the fuck he's saying. Probably something along the lines of "Whoever shaved that pussy must have been messed up." Or maybe that's just what an alien would think after seeing Kathey Bates get a fresh Brazilian. Either way, Rogue breaks the guys sword when he strikes her and he happens to conveniently graze her in the process, allowing her to absorb the creature enough to learn his language. It's nice that Gage takes the time to do those little things that most writers overlooked since there was a time when every comic writer thought the universe spoke English. But it's pretty fucking convenient and predictable in a comic that already has plenty of that shit.

The guy whose sword she just broke in a totally non-dick joke way is upset, but then one of his associates calls him off. Seeing someone break a sword and learn a language in a second is something that apparently impresses these creatures. He was among those who saw her kick that green monsters ass and the king of their little cat-race (whose not named Lion-O I imagine), was so impressed that he sent out a search party to find her. Rogue's new cat friend explains that they're in the middle of a war (as if that shit wasn't already apparent enough) with a race called the Swarm. It's as unoriginal as it sounds. They're basically just uglier versions of the Borg in that they try to assimilate minds into a collective hive. Apparently, these creatures have a problem with that and are at war trying to stop them. He asks Rogue for her help and she's reluctant at first, but then he says his people have some mystical shit that could help get her back home. That sure gets her attention and she agrees to help. Again, none of this shit should surprise anyone who has read more than three comic books in their life.

Rogue is brought back to their base. She meets the king, who is kind of a dick to her. But then again, what ruler isn't these days? His subordinate says she's an Alpha, which is their version of a badass warrior that you want to follow when you're at war with a bunch of creepy insects. The king still doesn't seem convinced and decides to give Rogue. Her new biggest fan takes her to a private room where she can rest. This leads to one of the only entertaining aspects of the issue in that in addition to the bed, she offers her the pick of the litter in terms of studs. He even has them whip out their dongs to prove their worth. Rogue, being too polite or not in touch with her inner cat fetish, respectfully declines. You have to imagine that if it was a man in her place and he was offered his pick of beautiful cat-women, he would fuck them regardless of whether or not he had a cat fetish.

Now I forgot pretty much all the events in the pages preceding this one, but this one is definitely memorable in a special way. Rogue, who has always attracted some crazy characters from Magneto to Gambit, has a way of making sexy entertaining in a way that'll make you laugh and give you a boner. As I speak, there are probably fanfiction writers out there working on a story that has Rogue in an orgy of cat-men. That's how you now you've got a memorable scene and in a comic that's been pretty boring thus far, it's a welcome sight.

Unfortunately, that's the only part of the comic that's worth remembering. Not much else happens. Once Rogues goes to sleep without partaking in cat-man dong, some of the insect creatures sneak into her bedroom and attack (with no explanation mind you). She begins fighting them off, but runs out of Miss Marvel power in the process. So she's essentially screwed and the comic ends on a cliffhanger. Again, if any part of that surprises you, see a doctor. You've clearly had one too many concussions and a blood vessel may have just popped.

After reading this issue, only two questions went through my mind. "What the fuck does this have to do with Avengers vs. X-men" and "Who the fuck drank all my whiskey?" I have some solid leads on the latter, but I'm utterly stumped on the former. This is exactly what I feared after the last issue of X-men Legacy. Behind running out of booze and weed, a comic series that crashes and burns in the middle of a big event is always one of my greatest fears. Granted, this is just a tie-in, but since this series had made for some really solid tie-ins to date this issue is a major kick in the balls. Rogue makes friends with some aliens and kicks a very small amount of ass and she gets a chance to channel her inner cat fetish. That's about it.

There are a lot of things wrong with this issue. The inner monologue is bland. The dialog is mediocre. Rogue's sassy nature does show, but it sure as hell doesn't shine like it usually does in an issue of X-men Legacy. The whole alien conflict is bland and generic without so much as a hint of there being a twist of sorts. Hell, it might as well have been ripped from an episode of Star Trek or the Green Lantern cartoon. It's like Gage got stoned and watched Thundercats reruns for inspiration. I'm all for ripping off quality shows, but I would at least try to make it so it's more interesting. Aside from some of those cat warriors showing off their dongs for Rogue, there was nothing compelling about this premise.

This issue fails for the same reason the John Carter movie failed, minus the shitty marketing and overbloated budget. It tries to be epic, but lacks the substance behind it to be epic. At least John Carter had flashy visuals that you can watch while stoned and still have a good time. I got stoned and read this comic and about halfway through I set it aside to get some Twinkies. When a comic can't hold the interest of someone who's stoned, something done gone horribly wrong. Rogue still kicked some ass and she got to have a humorous LOL moment with the cat warrior studs. But this is an utterly forgettable issue that has no effect on Avengers vs. X-men and offers little chance for character development. I give X-men Legacy a 1.5 out of 5. Unless your a Furrey or into bestiality, you have no reason to pick up this issue. Of course if you're either, I'm sure there are other outlets for your interests and I'd rather not know about them. Nuff said!

First X-men #1 - First Class Awesome

I know I give the X-men movies a lot of shit on this blog. Most of it is completely deserved. Yes, I go overboard. No I'm not going to apologize for it. After X3, I don't think any self-respect X-men fan needs to apologize for comparing that movie to a mountain of whale shit. But as bad as movies like X3 and Wolverine Origins were, I still have a burning desire to see the X-men movies succeed. If for no other reason than to give Wolverine an excuse for saying, "Suck it, Batman!" So I was incredibly surprise/relieved when X-men First Class didn't suck. It actually told a decent story with compelling characters, a touch of heart, and a naked Jennifer Lawrence. It didn't involve Wolverine lusting for a woman he couldn't have or the story finding creative ways to screw over Cyclops. It was just a solid X-men story and one that was never explored much in the comics. Well like all greedy businesses, Marvel and Disney have found a way to suck more profit from the X-men First Class teat and it's called First X-men.

Announced several months ago, First X-men left little to the imagination. It's like the movie Snakes on a Plan. If you ask what it's about, you're either dyslexic or brain damaged. Written by Christos Gage from X-men Legacy and drawn by the legendary Neal Adams, this series promised to explore that part of the X-men's history that the X-men First Class movie showed could be pretty awesome. Most everyone knows that Professor Xavier began the X-men as a wheel-chair bound hippie with a thing for dressing young mutants up in spandex. But how did he get to that point? We saw how he went from a womanzing intellectual with a talent for drinking to a visionary for mutants in the movie. Now we get a chance to see what led him to that point in the comics.

First X-men #1, like most every X-men comic looking to make a quick buck, begins with Wolverine. Given his elaborate history in the Marvel Universe, it's impossible to find an era where he hasn't had some sort of influence of fucked someone's wife. The era here is after Wolverine's stint as a Nazi-killing badass and World War II and a renegade Samurai with a Japanese fetish. He now finds himself in Harlem during the pre-Guliani days when you could still score some top quality blow and pick up some hookers without the NYPD setting up a sting to nail your ass. There aren't many X-men hints at first. It just has Wolverine narrating how he was summoned by an old war buddy of his whose wife he hadn't fucked (presumably) to find his runaway son. He finds him only to discover that he's a mutant who happens to have a power that makes shit explode. And since Wolverine attracts explosions almost as much as he attracts pussy, he gets caught right in the blast.

After his ears stop ringing, Wolverine tracks down his old buddy Sabretooth. Okay, these guys are buddies in the same way the Israelis and Palestinians are neighbors. But again, this before Weapon X and before these two had no fewer than 48245028582 reasons to want to kill each other. Wolverine meets Sabretooth at a zoo, which is probably the least subtle foreboding in the history of fiction. He sounds a bit overly Xavier-ish here when he says the government is now hunting down mutants and they have to do something about it. Sabretooth actually sounds logical for the first time since the Carter administration when he says "So what?" But since this is also the Wolverine after he's had his little hippie enema in Japan, he's not quite as inclined to just get drunk and forget about it.

Now I get that by having this take place in the past, Gage and Adams can take a few creative liberties. Hell, they could have Wolverine and Sabretooth star as extras in the original production of Deep Throat if they wanted. The key is keeping them in character and Wolverine staring in a 70s porno seems a bit more in character than his Xavier-ish rant about protecting mutants. He was supposed to just be looking for an old war buddy's son. Now he's setting the stage for the X-men? That's supposed to be Xavier's job. Wolverine already gets plenty of credit for boning married women and being the center of attention of every X-men series. He doesn't need this kind of spotlight in a series that's supposed to be about the first X-men.

Out-of-character or not, Wolverine convinces Sabretooth that there's merit to hunting down the assholes that see mutants in the same way Ted Nugant sees deer. Since Sabretooth is probably in between blood baths, he gladly partakes. After tracking a few leads (which is probably code for threatening to jam a claw up someone's urethra), they find what looks to be proto-Weapon X lab where the kid that blew up earlier, whose name is Anthony, is being kept under the kind of scrutiny that you won't find outside of a German S&M club. It looks somewhat high tech for the past, but still has the same techno-70s feel that we saw in X-men First Class. I don't know if Neal Adams was using that as a reference or if he was just really into blow in the 70s, but it works.

As you would expect, wherever you find a vintage Weapon X lab you're bound to find vintage Weapon X soldiers. Again, they're not as ominous as they are in the modern era. Hell, you can tell these guys are the fucking beta version when they look like rejects from a Voltron cartoon. It still makes for a flashy battle because no matter what era you're in, watching Wolverine fight Weapon X or Weapon X-like thugs never gets old. It's not unlike jerking off Asian massage porn in that sense, but less messy. They find Anthony, but they're not able to save him. They need to find out who has suddenly developed a hard-on for hunting mutants so they make out with a cache of files (the actual files and not some flash drive like all the kids these days are used to). This at least gives them a hint of what they're up against and who these assholes are tracking. And like most everything else in the pre-internet days, some of it was a poor substitute for porn.

What I mean by that is one of those files involves a strikingly hot chick, even by 70s standards. Sabretooth and Wolverine track her down. They find her in an alley with an old man and the connotations there are clear. They probably think they're about to need their eyes bleached after seeing some old fuck with too much money bang a hooker. But it's not like that. This woman is a mutant and that old guy wasn't paying her for pussy if you can believe that. He was paying her so that she could create an illusion of him and his daughter. It's so much less disturbing than her being a hooker and makes for a much less awkward encounter. But it only becomes somewhat less awkward when those Voltron rejects from earlier track them down. The woman, who was just enjoying her lucrative trade of fulfilling fantasies and last wishes, is now a target and she's understandably pissed.

Again, in pretty much every era in human history, pissing off a woman is a bad idea. Piss off a woman that has the power to create the illusions that make you feel like black mamba is chewing through your colon and you're in for a very bad night. Wolverine and Sabretooth prove they're somewhat more trustworthy than the average guys you run into in an alley in Washington DC. So the mysterious woman uses her powers to help them by making the Voltron rejects think they're now battling a giant monster from one of Michael Bay's bad acid trips. This helps Wolverine, Sabretooth, and the woman get away. In the process the woman reveals that the smoking hot form she flaunted earlier is just an illusion. She actually looks like the kind of girl you would see asleep at her desk in a library. But you can probably assume that Wolverine still wants to bone her.

With help from their new professional mind-fuck hot chick, Wolverine and Sabretooth venture to England where they meet up with a Charles Xavier that hasn't yet become the top X-man who would later become utterly disgraced. They even bring Anthony with them. And no, that's not as random as it sounds. You might be thinking, "Fuck, did I miss something? Or did that guy in the back of that Korean Barbeque sell me some really bad weed?" You would be only half-right because that isn't exactly Anthony that Wolverine is holding. Keep in mind, they have a woman that can make you think Pamela Anderson is sucking on your balls. The sight of a wounded young man makes Xavier take notice, but he's surprisingly hesitant to help out.

This leads to a compelling moment that feels like it took way too fucking long to develop in a series titled First X-men. Wolverine and his pre-Weapon X buddies meet a Charles Xavier who wants nothing to do with mutant affairs. Before they tracked him down, he was just a normal guy at Oxford dipping Condor eggs in caviar with his fiance. But they don't come to him with the expectation that he'll help them found a team that will have mutants running around in spandex. They track him down because he's the next mutant the Voltron ripoffs are after. For once, it's Xavier who is the target in need of help from anti-mutant forces. All his smarts, his money, and his 3 PHDs don't mean shit. It puts Xavier in an unfamiliar position that makes for a compelling setup that you only wish happened sooner.

Unfortunately, we don't get a chance to see how Xavier processes the notion of being a target. Instead, we get a glimpse of something that has the potential to be equally awesome. One of the other aspects of X-men First Class that made it such an awesome movie was that we saw a Magneto who was a badass Nazi hunter and not a twisted old fuck bent on world domination. Christos Gage and Neal Adams didn't try to fuck with success this time. They took the character Michael Fassbender brought to life and made him look like a metrosexual Robert Di Nero who likes to hunt down and torment old Nazis. He's still exceedingly cruel in how he deals with his enemies, but then again their Nazis so I guess it's okay.

When I first saw X-men First Class, two things came to mind. The first was, "Wow...so THIS is what an X-men movie that Brett Ratner hasn't shit all over looks like." The second was, "Why the fuck hasn't the story about this era in the X-men's history ever been told?" The X-men mythos covers many decades from the cocaine-soaked 70s, the crack fueled 80s, the crystal meth crazy 90s, to the prescription drug crazed 2000s. That's a lot of Playboy calendars worth of time for plenty of crazy shit to happen. Since Marvel has always been in the habit of trying to squeeze their characters into every era no matter how much they have to spit in the face of Albert Einstein, it's only natural that they would try something like First X-men. But by and large, the results are pretty damn awesome with only a few minor caveats.

It doesn't begin as an X-men story so to speak. Like X-men First Class, it begins with personal vendettas that quickly escalate into something much greater. At first, however, it seems more like a Wolverine story than it does an X-men story. You've got a Wolverine who sounds more like Professor Xavier than Professor Xavier with his willingness to help wayward kids. And Professor Xavier is just a rich douche who can't be bothered with shit that may get between him and consummating with his fiance. In the movie, it would have been a questionable story that would prove once more that all great ideas in Hollywood are the result of excessive cocaine use, but given how much of a douche Xavier has been in recent years it actually works. It's just a little slow to set up.

But those are the caveats. Once shit starts rolling, it becomes a pretty compelling story. Wolverine and Sabretooth have yet to despite one another with murderous rage, young mutants are being hunted at a time when the economy sucks enough to take it out on someone other than Wall Street bankers, and Professor Xavier is getting his first taste of mutant conflict. There are explosions, beautiful women in tight dresses, and men in Japan-inspired battle suits. Plus, Neal Adams is drawing it so your eyes have no excuse to be disappointed.

When I heard about this series, I didn't want to let my fondness for X-men First Class to skew my drunken objectivity. Thankfully, I didn't have to because the book turned out to be pretty damn solid. It's not quite as awesome as it could be at the moment. The slow start and the somewhat random nature of events makes it difficult to follow at times. But it's still a great book and one that has the potential to make Brett Ratner look like an even bigger hack. For that, I give First X-men #1 a 3.5 out of 5. I know some of you will get sick of me making all these X3 jokes and comparing it to various forms of fecal matter. But until the stench from that movie wears off and until stories like X-men First Class and First X-men keep showing how much better an X-men story can be, I shall never relent! Nuff said.