Wednesday, August 8, 2012

X-men Legacy #271 - Utterly Forgettable (Except For Naked Cat Men)

When I was in high school, I missed my share of awesome parties for a number of extremely unawesome reasons. One time some dick-cheese who probably got sick of me beating his ass at beer pong once slipped roofies into my whiskey. Not only did I miss the party, I woke up naked in my high school locker spooning a tuba that I stole from the music department. Sometimes I missed a party for reasons that resulted in much less brain damage. One time in college, my stoner roommate gave me the wrong directions to a party and we ended up on a Mormon compound with this crazy preacher guy saying that we'll find god in his rectum. I'm not sure if that's exactly what he said, but he was speaking in tongues so I'm pretty sure his rectum was part of it. My point is, if there's any point to begin with, is that missing a party sucks balls and that extends to comics.

X-men Legacy has delivered some damn good tie-ins with Avengers vs. X-men so far. We've seen Frenzy butcher a bunch of ruthless African warlords while dealing with some unresolved childhood issues in the process. We've also seen Rogue and Miss Marvel fight in a ways that could only have been more awesome if they did so in their underwear. In the last issue, Rogue's unwavering support of the Phoenix Five finally caught up to her when she found out they were imprisoning Avengers in a little slice of Limbo run by Magik. That's like making Ted Bundy the head of a sorority house. It was pretty fucking gruesome, but Rogue only ended up screwing herself out of the party when she attempted to free Miss Marvel and tell her she was right.

This led to Magik, being a merciful teenage girl with god-like power after all, to cast Rogue into some pocket dimension that James Cameron probably birthed when he was high on shrooms. It's an effective way of dealing with someone who wasn't afriad to get naked with Magneto. But at the same time, it takes Rogue and X-men Legacy by default out of the Avenger vs. X-men story. It's like being in the middle of open heart surgery and stopping to do a pap smear for Courtney Love. One isn't related to the other and each can be equally disastrous. Now I love seeing Rogue shine in crazy alternate worlds, but not during the middle of a big story. It's like taking a shit and jerking off at the same time. One sort of defeats the other.

Never-the-less, X-men Legacy #271 promises to show off Rogue's trademark awesome in all the right ways. It has her landing right in the middle of a battle between a couple of stereotypical alien hoards. Okay, so maybe stereotypical is a loaded term when you're referring to hoards. One looks like a hoard of disgusting insects. One looks like a hoard of Thundercats ripoffs. Since the insects don't have anyone nearly as hot as Cheetara, it's probably safe to assume that the cat people are the good guys.

As is the case for any hero that gets caught up in an alien war, they don't know which side to root for at this point. They usually have to wait until some hulking monster attacks them and decides for them. Well if you were hoping for this comic to buck the tend, go back to hoping they'll have gay marriage in Saudi Arabia because there's nothing surprising here. A very bland and very generic green hulking monster that looks like a prototype version of Swamp Thing (that or a very large glob of Hulk's semen) attacks Rogue and since she's still armed with Miss Marvel's powers, she blasts right through it and doesn't even get her hair messy. In an issue of X-men Legacy, we just can't have that now can we?

But Rogue doesn't stick around to find out who else the Hulk rip-off was attacking. She opts for some peace in quiet in what looks like an LSD trip into Wonderland. There's some light inner monologue here, but it's nothing too memorable. She just thinks the same shit anyone would think if they ended up on an alien planet, minus the part where they shit their pants. There isn't much talk about the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Hell, you wouldn't even know that shit is still going on if you were careless and/or high. If that weren't bad enough, the story continues to be overly predictable. Rogue is attacked yet again, this time by one of the cat people. He's no Cheetara or Lion-O, but I guess Marvel is saving their pet fetishes for the next big event featuring Squirrel Girl.

Rogue and her attacker exchange a few blows. The attacker is speaking an alien language so she doesn't know what the fuck he's saying. Probably something along the lines of "Whoever shaved that pussy must have been messed up." Or maybe that's just what an alien would think after seeing Kathey Bates get a fresh Brazilian. Either way, Rogue breaks the guys sword when he strikes her and he happens to conveniently graze her in the process, allowing her to absorb the creature enough to learn his language. It's nice that Gage takes the time to do those little things that most writers overlooked since there was a time when every comic writer thought the universe spoke English. But it's pretty fucking convenient and predictable in a comic that already has plenty of that shit.

The guy whose sword she just broke in a totally non-dick joke way is upset, but then one of his associates calls him off. Seeing someone break a sword and learn a language in a second is something that apparently impresses these creatures. He was among those who saw her kick that green monsters ass and the king of their little cat-race (whose not named Lion-O I imagine), was so impressed that he sent out a search party to find her. Rogue's new cat friend explains that they're in the middle of a war (as if that shit wasn't already apparent enough) with a race called the Swarm. It's as unoriginal as it sounds. They're basically just uglier versions of the Borg in that they try to assimilate minds into a collective hive. Apparently, these creatures have a problem with that and are at war trying to stop them. He asks Rogue for her help and she's reluctant at first, but then he says his people have some mystical shit that could help get her back home. That sure gets her attention and she agrees to help. Again, none of this shit should surprise anyone who has read more than three comic books in their life.

Rogue is brought back to their base. She meets the king, who is kind of a dick to her. But then again, what ruler isn't these days? His subordinate says she's an Alpha, which is their version of a badass warrior that you want to follow when you're at war with a bunch of creepy insects. The king still doesn't seem convinced and decides to give Rogue. Her new biggest fan takes her to a private room where she can rest. This leads to one of the only entertaining aspects of the issue in that in addition to the bed, she offers her the pick of the litter in terms of studs. He even has them whip out their dongs to prove their worth. Rogue, being too polite or not in touch with her inner cat fetish, respectfully declines. You have to imagine that if it was a man in her place and he was offered his pick of beautiful cat-women, he would fuck them regardless of whether or not he had a cat fetish.

Now I forgot pretty much all the events in the pages preceding this one, but this one is definitely memorable in a special way. Rogue, who has always attracted some crazy characters from Magneto to Gambit, has a way of making sexy entertaining in a way that'll make you laugh and give you a boner. As I speak, there are probably fanfiction writers out there working on a story that has Rogue in an orgy of cat-men. That's how you now you've got a memorable scene and in a comic that's been pretty boring thus far, it's a welcome sight.

Unfortunately, that's the only part of the comic that's worth remembering. Not much else happens. Once Rogues goes to sleep without partaking in cat-man dong, some of the insect creatures sneak into her bedroom and attack (with no explanation mind you). She begins fighting them off, but runs out of Miss Marvel power in the process. So she's essentially screwed and the comic ends on a cliffhanger. Again, if any part of that surprises you, see a doctor. You've clearly had one too many concussions and a blood vessel may have just popped.

After reading this issue, only two questions went through my mind. "What the fuck does this have to do with Avengers vs. X-men" and "Who the fuck drank all my whiskey?" I have some solid leads on the latter, but I'm utterly stumped on the former. This is exactly what I feared after the last issue of X-men Legacy. Behind running out of booze and weed, a comic series that crashes and burns in the middle of a big event is always one of my greatest fears. Granted, this is just a tie-in, but since this series had made for some really solid tie-ins to date this issue is a major kick in the balls. Rogue makes friends with some aliens and kicks a very small amount of ass and she gets a chance to channel her inner cat fetish. That's about it.

There are a lot of things wrong with this issue. The inner monologue is bland. The dialog is mediocre. Rogue's sassy nature does show, but it sure as hell doesn't shine like it usually does in an issue of X-men Legacy. The whole alien conflict is bland and generic without so much as a hint of there being a twist of sorts. Hell, it might as well have been ripped from an episode of Star Trek or the Green Lantern cartoon. It's like Gage got stoned and watched Thundercats reruns for inspiration. I'm all for ripping off quality shows, but I would at least try to make it so it's more interesting. Aside from some of those cat warriors showing off their dongs for Rogue, there was nothing compelling about this premise.

This issue fails for the same reason the John Carter movie failed, minus the shitty marketing and overbloated budget. It tries to be epic, but lacks the substance behind it to be epic. At least John Carter had flashy visuals that you can watch while stoned and still have a good time. I got stoned and read this comic and about halfway through I set it aside to get some Twinkies. When a comic can't hold the interest of someone who's stoned, something done gone horribly wrong. Rogue still kicked some ass and she got to have a humorous LOL moment with the cat warrior studs. But this is an utterly forgettable issue that has no effect on Avengers vs. X-men and offers little chance for character development. I give X-men Legacy a 1.5 out of 5. Unless your a Furrey or into bestiality, you have no reason to pick up this issue. Of course if you're either, I'm sure there are other outlets for your interests and I'd rather not know about them. Nuff said!

1 comment:

  1. Sadly nobody made a story that has Rogue in an orgy of cat-men, could you do that?