Monday, August 27, 2012

Fan Expo: ANOTHER All New X-men Cover Mystery

It goes without saying that Marvel loves to tease the shit out of their fans when a new series comes along that they know will make a fuckton of money and inspire a fuckton of variants. It also goes without saying that the motivation for this teasing isn't entirely predicated on just watching fans react and laughing their asses off behind the scenes while they plan to snort imported caviar off the ass of a teenage stripper. Keyword entirely. I've cited numerous instances on this blog where a cover turned out to be a complete ruse. Remember this shit?

May we pause for a moment while Jean Grey fans relive this terrible memory?
But sometimes a cover sparks an outcry without being a ruse if you can believe that. Sometimes the cover partly spoils the end of a big event. Other times it creates another mystery that has fans scratching their heads with intrigue and frustration. When that scratching starts chipping away at the skull, then Marvel knows they're onto something.

That brings me to All New X-men #1. I've already made two blog posts on this cover since Marvel started leaking them. One was just to admire the sight of Jean Grey and the Original Five gracing the cover of an actual 616 book again. The other added a new wrinkle to the teasing in the same way that a prostate massage adds a new wrinkle to a happy ending at a massage parlor. I won't review all the twisted conspiracy theories that the Rachel Grey look-a-like on that cover has incurred, mostly because I don't want to overshadow the 9/11 truthers or the birthers. But I will gladly spark a new round of conspiracy theories just because I think the sober world is too damn boring and needs something to mix some shit into the pot of awesome.

At this past week's Fan Expo, there was more teasing than Tijuana topless bar. Most of it was pretty standard, but then Marvel saw fit to reveal yet another All New X-men cover. This one may or may not have spoiled the outcome of AvX and sparked yet another conspiracy theory.

Suck it, Loose Change!
Let's start with the obvious. If this cover isn't bullshit, it basically reveals that all those teases about Cyclops and Emma fighting in AvX were bullshit yet again. Since they're standing to close and on the same team, they clearly haven't broken up or anything. So all that fighting in AvX is probably going to amount to jack shit yet again. I've ranted about it so many times before. Cyclops and Emma have become the same sacred cow that Marvel often criticized when Cyclops was with Jean Grey. They won't do dick about jack about squat with this relationship. They're not romantic. They're not affectionate. They're just a few witty remarks and bed scenes. Again, how is that any different than a fucking Two and a Half Men rerun? If these two are supposed to be the X-men's most passionate couple, why do they have the depth of a fucking porno while Northstar and Kyle get more emotional in one fucking issue before getting married? I seriously don't know what the fuck Marvel is doing with these two anymore. Are they just together because they want to see two attractive people fuck? Maybe they haven't heard, but there's this thing called the internet and most comic readers are smart enough to download a billion pictures of attractive people fucking onto their smart phones.

Since Namor isn't even in the picture, that pretty much reveals that he's not going to be in the X-books anymore and therefore he won't be causing any tension between Cyclops and Emma anymore. Hell, he was the only source of tension between these two and even that wasn't much to begin with. Now with a young Jean Grey coming back, there seems to be absolutely no room for drama. If Cyclops is still just bedding Emma, there's really not much room for Cyclops to do much other than say "Fuck, there's the teenage girl I used to bone. Oh well. I've got someone else now."

But I digress. My outrage with the Cyclops/Emma relationship is probably better explored once Marvel once again does jack shit with it in AvX. The other part of the promo that will probably get many a panties into many a nots is that odd looking guy next to Emma. Unlike the Rachel Grey look-a-like, there's not much of a hint as to who he is. He doesn't have red hair and green eyes so that really narrows it down. But for some reason, he's in the background and not a single clue has been given. That means human nature must by default create some wild conspiracy theory to fill the void because waiting for the explanation is for pussies.

I have my theory. I believe that character is a young Bishop. He's been MIA since before Second Coming. Marvel could have killed him beforehand, but they didn't. Instead, they left him in the future. And since Cable came back in X-Sanction, Bishop has no excuse. We already know that All New X-men will involve time travel and that is sort of Bishop's thing. So why not? Or maybe a better question is if that is him, why the hell does he look like he should be working as a cashier at Wal Mart? Whatever the case, it's clearly linked because this cover links up with the others.

They ALL look so pissed.

I'm sure Marvel will tease the shit out of this moving forward. Just as I'm sure I'll have plenty more to rant about regarding Marvel's shitty handling of the Cyclops/Emma relationship. But so long as they keep fucking with fans and I have a steady supply of booze, that means I'll have plenty to write about on this blog! Nuff said.

12 comments:

  1. Maybe the black guy is prodigy.

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  2. But he doesn't look black to me though, or do I need to get my eyes checked...

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  3. I have come to the opinion that Marvel has lost its collective mind so the ramblings it posts as teasers have no bearing on reality. Hell, they announced they were giving Legion the main role in X-Men Legacy but then started rambling about how he was shifted between his parents while growing up and spent time in a foster home -- none of which actually happened anywhere in his history. And he hasn't been IN that many stories for anyone to get confused. So if they can mess up continunity for a character who has been in maybe 50 issues, poor Scott doesn't stand a chance. He's never going to be free of that soul-sucking harpy, I mean Emma! :-)

    Personally, I think Marvel is holding onto her character because she's frequently close to naked and they like to draw naked women.

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    1. The last bit would hold more water if women in Marvel were draw accurately to their backstories. Psylocke and Storm are draw close to naked often as well, and Rogue was always depicted as a "Southern Belle" despite her story being about a person who would obviously try to be the less attractive possible (and to get to the build comic women are shown one would need to work out a lot). Remember her during the 90s, when she had no control of her power? If Marvel is keeping this status quo it's because of the huge success of Morrison's New X-Men and Whedon's Astonishing. I heard Astonishing's story was even printed in a book, that's not common with stories born in comics.

      I don't think Marvel is holding onto her character really. Ever since the end of Dark Reign she's kinda depicted as Cyclops' secretary, though she should have more voice for playing a big part on creating Utopia and now bankrolling it. The tone of the story, a more military view on the X-Men, has been a lot favorable to Cyclops' development and almost no one else. I personally think it's him who's sucking her soul, though it's more about how the relationship is depicted and not a problem with the pairing per see.

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  4. So just to be clear on your theory that guy is a younger Bishop?

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  5. Bishop can't use glasses in any reality! he's a badass!
    he seems more like Jean Paul's husband... though i have no idea why he would be there...
    i really REALLY hope this is just misleading-not-related-info and Emma Frost really gets killed by no other than Cyclops. Her death would make me soooo happy! (Just saying..)

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  6. I see Scott isn't in Uncanny Avengers redesign...

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  7. My theory is that these three covers are part of a larger image. The first arc of All-New X-Men is 6 issues so there could very well be three more interlocking covers. If I'm right we are going to see three more mystery men, one for each. These five mystery civilians are the new rebooted present day O5 creeping into the scene/present. The woman-in-red is Jean and the robust nerd is Hank. Of course the colors have been tweaked to throw us off.

    Marvel and Bendis said that the actions of the O5 is going to affect the X-Men and provide the franchise with another decade's worth of story. They have said these O5 are her to stay and in a way that won't implode the continuum of time/space. I think this is the fall out, much like the Spidey-marriage.

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  8. Don't really see how that could be a young bishop, we've seen a young Bishop and where he grew up, no way the guy ever had enough food to get a pot belly like that, not to mention I see no sign of the M tattoo on his face which is kind of iconic for Bishop unless you meant this was a nerdier alternate reality version of him.

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  9. I never said my theory about Bishop was sane. It's the best shit I can come up with in my drunken brain right now. Maybe if I recover a few more brain cells, I'll come up with a better theory. But where's the fun in that?

    Jack

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  10. I don't think it's Bishop. Dunno who the hell it is, but it ain't Bishop. As for the "time travel" element. Magik is on the team and if you go through Limbo you CAN time travel. The biggest what the fuck from this is that AvX and the entire 40-odd book something crossover amounts to total and utter shit if Hope is still alive and nothing has changed in the status quo. Personally I'd rather see Emma starting yet another group, of heroes, but with the Hellions and maybe some other people from the Xmen with Namor being her sometime lover.

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    1. Well it's already been revealed that Beast will be the one that instigates the time travel. So I don't think that Magik will be involved. Bendis also said that he'll do something to ensure the space time continuum isn't too fucked up. Who knows what that will entail? But I agree that it's all for nothing if Hope fucking Summers is still alive in her current form. I'm all for Emma surviving. Hell, everyone can survive for that matter. But fuck Hope and her Jean rip-off legacy.

      Jack

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