Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #35

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Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #34

There comes a point where someone has had so many bad days that they just say, “Fuck it!” And I’m not just talking about the kinds of days that involve a tax audit, a parking ticket, and a bar fight that ends with missing teeth. I’m talking about the days that will earn extra therapy for some and extra whiskey for others. For the X-men, I think they’ve gotten a handwritten thank-you letter from every distillery east of the Mississippi at this point. The New Xavier School closed down. Cyclops’ students hate his guts. Emma Frost has locked her panties for the foreseeable future. And Dazzler is still fuming about being screwed over by SHIELD and Mystique. Seeing as how the world is set to end with Secret Wars, they deserve a little more than an extra case of whiskey.

There’s not a whole lot they can do at this point to avoid the cosmic clusterfuck that Secret Wars brings. But that doesn’t mean they can’t face the upcoming incursion without saying they gave the middle finger to their circumstances. At this point, who really gives a shit about the Schism or the shit that went down after Avengers vs. X-men? Are there really any fucks left to give at this point? I say no and Uncanny X-men #34 offers a previous sliver of time between now and Secret Wars to get their shit right. Some take advantage of it. Some don’t. Like everyone who thought the iPhone would fail, those that don’t have any excuses at this point.

And if anyone is good at exploiting the fuck out of a situation, it’s Mystique. If the world is ending, her only concern is how much debt she can run up in the meantime. She’s already run up quite a bit with the shit she did to Dazzler and the shit she’s doing in Wolverines. Yet she still finds time to steal the identity of a famous Bollywood actress and crash in her mansion, complete with all the luxuries that movie stars can enjoy. Say what you will about Mystique, but she knows how to enjoy herself. She would be the ultimate wingman on a trip to Vegas.

Naturally, her love of exploiting the shit out of everyone else’s clusterfucks gets the attention of Cyclops. He’s a guy who could use Mystique’s approach of not giving enough of a shit to enjoy her time before the world ends, but he’s a little more ambitious. And he’s more than a little curious about how Mystique may or may not fuck with those ambitious. Given her history, it’s probably the most reasonable thing he’s done since letting Emma Frost buy the porno.

Mystique is her usual sassy, devious self and it’s still sexy as hell. She doesn’t feel threatened by Cyclops in the slightest. In fact, she treats him the same way Game of Thrones fans treat message boards, using every opportunity to troll the hell out of him. That includes shape-shifting into his ex-girlfriends, teasing him with the Phoenix, and bringing up his recent breakup with Emma Frost. It’s basically anti-therapy. She’s trying to make Cyclops feel he needs to start shooting heroine.

To his credit, he doesn’t book the first flight to Tijuana. He’s able to endure Mystique’s trolling and stay serious. He basically asks her the same question Mystique fans have been asking since Messiah Complex. What the hell is her problem and why the fuck has she become a total sociopath? She’s not quite a King Joffrey level cunt, but she’s trying way too hard. It’s a problem because there was actually a time when Mystique had more depth than that. Cyclops even points that out to her. Since he’s in a similar state, being despised by everyone and on Maria Hill’s shit list, it’s a relevant question for both of them.

It’s slightly less relevant for Dazzler in the sense that she doesn’t really give a damn why Mystique is acting like a total cunt. She just wants payback for the shit she put her through. Mystique did more than just troll her. She knocked Dazzler out, drugged her, took her place, and used her to create MGH. Unless Mystique hated disco more than anyone else in history, she has no excuse for that shit. And Dazzler wants to bring her to justice.

Unfortunately, that means getting a favor from Maria Hill. And she tends to give out favors the same way the Gordon Ramsey gives out compliments. Lucky for Dazzler, Maria owes her one. She was so busy being angry/horny at Cyclops that she didn’t notice that Mystique had taken her place. Dazzler wants Maria to use SHIELD resources to find her. At first, Maria Hill responds as anyone at the DMV would, telling her to pick a number and be ready to fuck off. However, Maria Hill shows some uncanny understanding that is usually absent from the DMV. She gives Dazzler some info while Dazzler gives her advice on Cyclops. Basically, she tells her to keep her panties on. Whether or not she takes this advice is completely up to her.

The conversation between Mystique and Cyclops isn’t quite as tense at first. Cyclops makes some legitimate observations about their respective situation. They were both affected by the death of Charles Xavier and Wolverine. They’re both branded criminals and everyone they ever cared about now hates their guts. If this were a romantic comedy, they would be dry humping by now. However, the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

It happens when some of Cyclops’ observations are no longer as legitimate. Mystique tries trolling him again and like everyone who got into an argument with a creationist on a message board, Cyclops made the mistake of feeding her. She hints that they had a fling at one point. But outside bad fan fiction, that shit never happened and that tips Mystique off that this isn’t Cyclops. He may talk like him, but keeping a straight face at the mention of them boning is a dead giveaway.

Meanwhile, Dazzler still isn’t done asking Maria Hill for favors. Like Willie Nelson asking for an extension on his taxes, she’s really pushing her luck. But what she asks for isn’t that unreasonable. She just asks that the students from the New Xavier School get a pass. Just because Cyclops rescued them doesn’t mean they should be criminals. Maria Hill is not the IRS so she does show a rare bit of understanding. If only all government officials could be so reasonable. She even throws in some free ice cream if she can bring in Mystique. When is the last time any government employee offered ice cream? The DEA should take notice.

This deal provides all the right incentives. It leads to a beautiful convergence of sorts when it’s revealed who the Cyclops imposter was. It wasn’t another shape-shifter. It was actually Dazzler all along and the Stepford Cuckoos provided the illusion. And since the New Xavier students had an incentive as well, Dazzler brought them along for the ride. That means that for once, Mystique was the victim of deception. It’s the second greatest form of irony, ranking just behind being called an asshole by Kanye West.

It all goes downhill for Mystique from there. The Stepford Cuckoos paralyze her so that she can’t attack. Goldballs disarms her as only he can. Then David Bond uses a stereo to give Dazzler just what she needs to give Mystique the ultimate finger. It’s not as sexy as it sounds, unless you find getting blasted out the window sexy. In a world where some people find Cher sexy, I’m sure that’s a thing. But nobody is more satisfied by this than Dazzler. Hell, I’d be shocked if her panties were dry after this.

With Mystique defeated and turned over to SHIELD, Dazzler decides to celebrate. For her, that doesn’t mean a case of whisky and a bag of blow. It means performing a fucking rock concert that would make Lady Gaga herself envious. I’m not usually one for celebrations that don’t involve whiskey, but I think Dazzler has earned this. She was so badly screwed over by Mystique that she could’ve re-enacted a few gruesome Game of Thrones scenes with Mystique and she would’ve been justified. But she chose not to. She’s still an X-man at heart. She’s just an X-man who also happens to be a fucking rock star. Even Wolverine can’t say he ever had that much skill.

Once the show is over, Maria Hill catches up with her and they basically seal the deal. Dazzler did her part. Maria did hers as well. She didn’t even give her more paperwork to fill out. If only she worked for a traffic court. And since she seems to be in an unusually good mood, she offers Dazzler her old job back. I’m pretty sure that SHIELD has a clause that says nobody can be fired for being screwed over by a shape shifter. Hell, I’m pretty sure that was the first thing their union fought for.

It’s not clear if Dazzler takes Maria Hill up on her offer. But she also makes another point. She says that Cyclops is no longer the mutant that can protect young mutants. And that’s the freshest kind of bullshit there is. I guess nobody told Maria that Cyclops saved young mutants who had been wrongfully arrested for healing innocent people or were shot for no reason by cops. Where the fuck was SHIELD when that happened? Where the fuck was the Jean Grey Institute? And she says he’s not that guy? I don’t know if her rage boner for Cyclops has given her brain damage, but this is the most full of shit any government employee has been that didn’t involve parking tickets.

There’s a much more balanced conversation between the New Xavier School students. They leave the concert and get a bite to eat, which is understandable. Rocking out works up an appetite for both food and other crazy shit. They then talk about what they’re going to do now that their records are clean. They all come to the perfectly reasonable conclusion that just being mutants doesn’t mean they need to be X-men. Cyclops ditched them and the Jean Grey Institute didn’t do shit for them when they were in trouble. So Hijack comes up with an idea. However, it’s not clear what that idea is. Since he looks like he just got a blowjob from Jessica Alba, I’m guessing it’s not entirely fucked. But I’ve been wrong before.

Let’s face facts. There were and still are a metric fuckton of loose ends to resolve for Secret Wars. Anyone expecting Marvel to go all obsessive compulsive and close every one of them like Sheldon Cooper on crack was expecting too much. But let’s give credit to where credit is due. This issue was able to tie up a lingering, drawn out loose end in a simple, concise way. Dazzler’s rage boner against Mystique has finally been quelled and Maria Hill’s rage boner/normal boner for Cyclops has been at least partially quelled. It was satisfying in a way that usually involves lube and weed, but this one allowed me to keep both my hands and my lungs clean.

There are still much larger loose ends to tie up, but this issue provided a template of sorts on how to do it right. Take a long-standing vendetta, mix in a little deception, and throw in some overtly sexy innuendo and the end result is a damn good story/James Bond movie. Dazzler fans can finally break out the disco ball and the roller skates. She really kicked ass in this issue. Even though the world as she knows it ends with Secret Wars, she can now go into it with the satisfaction that she kicked Mystique’s ass and taught a valuable lesson to teenagers. She couldn’t have accomplished more without access to Warren Buffet’s credit card. I give Uncanny X-men #34 a 9 out of 10. Whether she’s an outdated disco queen or a punk rock prototype found only at an Ozzy Osborne concert, Dazzler is awesome. She’s not awesome enough to make disco popular again, but she’s worth giving a shit about. Her awesome may be the only thing that fans of One Direction and Marilyn Manson can agree on. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #33

What’s the difference between simple bad luck and a full-blown shit storm? It’s subtle, but only to the extent that certain kinds of Earthquakes are subtle. Bad luck is fleeting. Bad luck is some dip-shit at Starbucks putting too much cream in an espresso. It’s annoying, but it’s over as soon as someone spits that disgusting concoction out on the nearest barista. A shit-storm is a bit more elaborate. It leaves a stench the same way bathing in John Goodman’s septic tank leaves a stench. It lingers, it taints, and it stinks in ways that can induce seizures.

To say that the mess Cyclops left after dissolving the New Xavier School was a shit-storm would be the most polite way of putting it. He found a way to do it in a manner that pissed everyone off, including his ex-girlfriend. He just really dove head-first into it, leaving plenty of other characters with a noticeable stench. He’s got a lot to clean up and it’s not going to be solved with a simple bottle of Febreeze. So I’m sure a lot of X-men fans are curious about how he’s going to go about it. I admit I’m curious about that story as well. Well unfortunately, that’s not the story we get in Uncanny X-men #33. In fact, we don’t get jack shit in terms of progress regarding the closure of the New Xavier School. We only get a simple one-shot story involving Kitty Pryde and Magik. It’s as entertaining as it sounds, except for those hoping for lesbian porn.

It’s not completely random. While Cyclops was announcing to his students that the New Xavier School would be closing, Magik grabbed Kitty and teleported her away. She didn’t give a reason. She probably knew Kitty would make the kind of scene that even a demon child like her couldn’t stop. Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, they ditched this monumental moment and this is the story that happened.

It’s completely irrelevant to the plot revolving around Cyclops shutting down the New Xavier School. In fact, that shit doesn’t even get mentioned. But to be fair, they really don’t have time to contemplate it because Magik just happened to teleport Kitty to Monster Island. It’s basically like the Savage Land on crack. At the very least, Magik was honest about saying she would do something stupid if she stayed to listen to Cyclops’ announcement. And in Monster Island, she has plenty of opportunities to vent. Is it health? Fuck no. But is it fitting? Fuck yes.

However, Magik then reveals that she’s not just there to blow off steam, although that would be a perfectly legitimate reason for a demon-powered teenager. She claims she took her to Monster Island to find a mutant who happens to be in trouble. If that sounds obscenely contrived, then take a deep breath. That last bong hit didn’t kill too many brain cells.

Exactly how the fuck does this mutant tie into the ongoing conflict surrounding Cyclops and the New Xavier School? How does this mutant contribute anything to the story that took a big fucking turn in the previous issue? Spoiler alert: he or she contributes less than jack shit. There really is nothing else to it. They’re just there to help a missing mutant. Kitty and Magik are almost casual about it. Magik fights off the monsters as though she’s painting her nails and Kitty is just calmly talking to her as though she’s waiting in line at a Wal-Mart. She doesn’t ask about Cyclops or what’s happening to the New Xavier School. She just shrugs her shoulders and goes along with it.

Now I’m not saying that helping an innocent mutant makes for a shitty story. Hell, that’s probably the simplest, most basic kind of X-men story there is. There’s just absolutely nothing appealing about it in the context of recent events. I love watching a rerun of the Simpsons as much as the next guy, but if I see a rerun at a time when I was hoping to see a new episode of Family Guy I’m still going to be disappointed. So in a sense, this whole story fucks itself before it even has a chance to get going.

Circumstances aside, this story that nobody wanted or asked for still progresses as coherently as is possible on a place like Monster Island. Magik keeps fighting off armies of blood-thirsty monsters. Eventually, the monsters realize that fighting a demon-powered teenage girl is not good for their long-term health. So they decide to back the fuck off. Something about that is inherently logical. Even monsters on an island dominated by monsters would rather not deal with a pissed off teenage girl. This is why parents drink and why therapists are overpaid.

There’s no question that Magik is badass and dangerous. The battle against the monsters here is nothing spectacular. It’s fairly generic. It’s not overly rushed either. It’s just predictable. I can’t say it does anything wrong. I don’t think anybody would expect an island of monsters to give someone like Magik any trouble. But again, the circumstances of this story just limit the impact.

Once the monsters back the fuck off and leave the teenager girls to the guidance counselors and principals of the world, Magik and Kitty Pryde proceed to look for this missing mutant. Along the way, Magik and Kitty do have some meaningful conversations. Magik explains that she’s not just doing this because slaughtering monsters is how she blows off steam, although that’s probably part of it. She says that when the X-men are at each other’s throats like Cyclops and Wolverine fighting over an old pair of Jean’s panties, she likes to go off and help mutants in need. It’s how she reminds herself that the X-men are worth fighting for. It’s probably the most healthy coping skill a messed up teenager has ever done in any circumstance and it doesn’t even require a prescription. It makes a twisted bit of sense, even if the impact is still limited.

Kitty doesn’t add much. She just chooses not to argue. When a fucked up teenage girl is doing the right things, she understands that it’s usually a good idea not to say a damn thing. So he just follows her along and helps her search for this mutant. And like 70 percent of all the X-men’s search efforts, it leads them to a creepy cave. I guess it’s still better than mad scientist’s lab or Graydon Creed’s basement, but it’s right up there.

Inside the cave, they find this missing mutant. And it turns out to be a mutant that’s far more adorable than Matthew Malloy or Hope fucking Summers. It’s a little girl who looks like she tried to cos-play as an alien from Star Trek and failed miserably. She’s not deformed. She’s not whining like Matthew Malloy. She’s just scared, confused, and adorable. It helped make Frozen a billion dollar movie so why not use it here?

Kitty Pryde, being the one who isn’t plagued by demonic forces, reaches out to the young girl. Their exchange is every bit as adorable, utilizing the classic X-men heroics. This girl is scared and hungry, but she quickly connects with Kitty the same way most children connect with a puppy. It might not be a story about Cyclops and Havok opening up their own pizza place, but even the non-Disney fans have to enjoy this on some level. Except the sociopaths, this moment should touch the hearts of every X-men.

This exchange quickly goes from cute to terrifying when the little girl, who calls herself Bo, reveals that her father left her on this island as finger food for monsters. Even Darth Vader would say that’s pretty fucking harsh. He could’ve at least given her a chance to join the dark side. She says her father told her that her powers killed her mother. But he might just be a massive dick. A man who leaves a little girl on an island of monsters certainly fits most of the criteria.

The girl starts getting emotional and understandably so. Thinking about an asshole father who left her on an island of monsters probably would upset anyone at any age. The problem is a crying little girl is like a dinner bell for some monsters. And one of them just happens to be nearby. It’s not as bad as a Sentinel, but it’s still right up there.

However, there isn’t much of a battle this time. Magik doesn’t get a chance to skin this monster alive and make cute puppets to cheer Bo up. Instead, Bo shows off the powers that brought out the massive dickhead in her father. She shoots off a few fancy energy blasts, probably pissing off a few Dazzler fans in the process. These blasts end the battle in an effective, albeit unspectacular way. It still takes out the monster, along with Kitty and Magik. It also explains why Bo was able to survive on Monster Island. With a power like that, capable of taking out monsters that startle her, she could probably survive on Monster Island as easily as I could survive at a Wal-Mart.

Kitty and Bo have another adorable conversation. Kitty once again shows the classic skills of a good X-man, talking to the young mutant girl with kindness and compassion. She explains to her that she’s a mutant. She has powers and her father was a total asshole about it. Even though she and Magik just experienced the business end of those powers, she’s not mad. I’m sure Kitty has endured way worse when she’s gotten in Wolverine’s way before he’s had his morning beer. It’s the complete opposite reaction of her asshole father and it goes a long ways towards making the little girl feel at ease.

It’s still worth saying that Bo is incredibly adorable. I know this story is still completely out of place. But after the bullshit story surrounding Matthew Malloy, Bo is a welcome upgrade. She’s more representative of the issues mutants face. They have scary powers that their parents don’t understand. The X-men go out of their way to help them. It’s a perfect display of what the X-men are all about. It’s simple and basic, even if it’s out of place. And even if I were an angry drunk, I couldn’t help but adore this girl and this story on some levels. Then again, I tend to get overly emotional when I’m drunk, as plenty of traffic cops can attest.

Having endeared themselves to this little girl, Magik teleports her away from Monster Island and to the Jean Grey Institute. They then introduce Bo to Storm and Nightcrawler, who welcome the little girl with open arms. Even though her powers leave them feeling hung over, minus the beer buzz, they both embrace her in another tender moment. It essentially proves that Magik’s approach to dealing with the X-men’s internal struggles is effective. Just running off to help an innocent mutant does in one day what a year of group therapy can’t and is probably way cheaper. It also gives Kitty Pryde and Magik a way to re-connect. It’s still awkward with Kitty having dated her brother, but there’s still friendship there. Magik should just be glad her name isn’t Petra. Then there might be too much sexual tension for that friendship to work.

This issue was as basic as an issue of X-men could possibly get. Take a couple X-men, put them in a hostile environment, and have them rescue a scared young mutant whose parents happen to be dicks. This is a script so simple that Stan Lee could recite it verbatim while drunk. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that script. There’s nothing inherently wrong with how it’s done in this issue. It just feels out of place, like watching an episode of Game of Thrones out of order. There’s still plenty to enjoy, especially if it involves a Lanister in a brothel. But it doesn’t really contribute much to the bigger picture.

There were so many hard emotions and major changes at the end of the previous issue. There was a powerful story that was just starting to unfold. But instead of seeing that story, we get this fun little adventure with Kitty Pryde and Magik. Don’t get me wrong. I love Kitty Pryde and Magik. I’m sure there’s an alternate universe where they go down on each other over the Red Skull’s rotting corpse. It just doesn’t really add much. It’s plain. It’s simple. It works. But it doesn’t do anything that the X-men haven’t done since the Kennedy Administration. I give Uncanny X-men #33 a 6 out of 10. It’s good in that it follows that tried and true formula correctly. It just felt out of place. There’s a time and a place for two women to fight monsters and it doesn’t always have to be in anime porn. It might have been the right place, but it wasn’t the right time. If I want that kind of filler, I’ll go back to eating at McDonald’s. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #12

If Murphy’s Law had actually been passed by a real politician, I’m confident that said politician would have been tarred, feathered, and forced to listen to every One Direction song until the end of time. It’s one of those laws that can’t be bribed or stashed away in the glove box like a bunch of unpaid parking tickets, some of which go back to the Bush administration. If something truly can go wrong, the universe will make it happen like a horny meth head trying to fuck a banana peel. It may take some creativity and some lube, but it’ll happen.

For the X-men, Murphy’s Law has an amendment regarding cosmic power on the level Phoenix Force. That amendment basically states that if anyone gets drunk on cosmic power, especially if that someone’s name is Jean Grey, bad shit is going to happen. It’s like giving Mel Gibson truth serum, a recorder, and a book of famous Jewish men. It’s not going to end well. The Black Vortex isn’t quite the same as the Phoenix Force, but it has the potential to be the light beer version of it. The X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and the Starjammers are trying to stop too many people from going on a bender. In Cyclops #12, someone throws a few tequila shooters into the mix to test this amended version of Murphy’s Law. It may or may not end in a total cosmic shit storm, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be entertaining as fuck.

And when it comes to entertainment, how could a prison break involving pirates not be entertaining? Seriously, Joel Shumacher would have to come out of retirement to make something like that seem awful. This is exactly what O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot need. They ended up getting captured by Mr. Knife while helping the rest of the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy escape Spartax. And since Mr. Knife is about as welcoming as Tom Cruise at a convention of psychiatrists, they definitely need to be rescued. They can’t expect to stay in one piece for very long for a guy who probably jerks off to thoughts of torturing his son.

O5 Cyclops even fantasizes about the kind of rescue operation that his father would have to carry out to save him. It’s so vivid and specific that we don’t immediately know it isn’t happening and probably wouldn’t know if previous issues hadn’t already shown Corsair getting the Jurassic Park treatment in amber. But even if it isn’t real, it shows that O5 Cyclops has become pretty adept at thinking like a badass space pirate. And this kid is only 16. Most 16-year-olds these days are thinking about Jennifer Lawrence naked in a tub of chocolate pudding. O5 Cyclops knows how to make good use of his thoughts and unlike the Michael Jackson’s of the world, he has good reason to trust his father. It’s a big part of what has made this series so enjoyable.

Unfortunately, like a bad hangover coupled with a surprise visit from the IRS, O5 Cyclops gets a slap in the face from reality. And unlike most immature teenagers, he accepts it. He senses something is wrong because his father hasn’t shown up to pull off another one of his badass rescues. It’s not entirely inaccurate either, but his concern still feels genuine. This isn’t the callous, bitter adult Cyclops who probably misses seeing Emma Frost naked. This is a young, uncorrupted Cyclops who has come to appreciate his father’s skills while learning that he doesn’t have to be a total dick to get the job done. It even almost got him some alien pussy so it has to be genuine.

Unlike his experience with Captain Malafect, O5 Cyclops doesn’t have to endure this crap alone. He has O5 Iceman and Groot to keep him company. And also unlike his adult form, O5 Iceman hasn’t been corrupted by whatever powerful forces made his adult self such a douche-bag. He doesn’t bust O5 Cyclpos’ balls for shit he did or might do in the future. He just tries to be a good friend like he used to be when he was the kind of guy I didn’t want to punch in the jaw. It’s another one of those more innocent elements that adds sincerity to this moment. But it also shows just how fucked they are as prisoners of Mr. Knife.

They don’t stay fucked though. Unlike O5 Iceman, O5 Cyclops did spend a lot of time learning to be a badass space pirate. That means if his father can’t come to rescue him, then he’ll do it himself. And he’ll do it without the promise that Emma Frost or Jean Grey will reward him with lingerie and flavored lube. That in and of itself should demonstrate how awesome O5 Cyclops can be.

What he does would make Jack Sparrow and Captain Kirk both proud and confused. Somehow, he’s able to use his optic blasts to activate a fingerprint scanner. It sounds a bit too much like Batman’s shark repellant and it is. I don’t remember Corsair ever teaching him shit like this, but it definitely feels like something a pirate would do, as contrived it may be.

The only problem is that escaping didn’t even partially unfuck their situation. They’re still on a ship surrounded by mercenaries hired by Mr. Knife. That’s like sobering up while still in the middle of a bar fight. It doesn’t necessarily give them an advantage. It even has the potential to make them even more fucked.

Since they can’t expect Mr. Knife to treat escaped prisoners any better than he treats his outlaw son, they fight. And by that I mean they run. I know Captain Kirk would’ve probably fought, but he probably would’ve been killed too or made useless to all sexy alien women for the rest of his life. There are times to fight and times to run and this one doesn’t leave much wiggle room.

So they run and they eventually find the Black Vortex. This isn’t as contrived as it sounds. In a previous issue, the Slaughter Lords did retrieve the Black Vortex for Mr. Knife. So it does fit the overall narrative. But the fact that it’s not locked up in a safe guarded by an army of Chuck Norris clones is a bit confusing. Maybe Mr. Knife just too cheap to splurge on a vault or something. I guess if the Death Star can be destroyed by one shitty thermal exhaust port, Mr. Knife can be cheap.

But finding the Black Vortex presents O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot with a tough dilemma. They’re surrounded in a ship of Mr. Knife’s ruthless mercenaries and they quickly end up trapped. They’re not going to fight their way out of this shit. The only chance they have of surviving is to give into the Black Vortex. O5 Iceman is all for it, but O5 Cyclops is understandably reluctant. He still remembers how cosmic power fucked up Jean Grey and led him to killing Professor Xavier. It’s another moment of sincere conflict and the fact he hesitates shows that learning about his adult self has affected him in a meaningful way. He’s trying to not be that guy and getting drunk on cosmic power certainly can’t help in that effort.

As time starts to become a factor, he gets what he believes to be a telepathic message, courtesy of O5 Jean Grey. I guess this is her way of making up for O5 Beast cock-blocking him earlier. This allows him to get a heartfelt message from Corsair, who tells him what has already been made painfully apparent over the course of this series. O5 Cyclops is not like his adult self. He’s shown that he can do the right thing for the right reasons. He doesn’t have to be a ticking time bomb waiting to kill Charles Xavier or jump into bed with Emma Frost the first chance he gets. He can be something better and his father trusts him to be that man.

Because of this trust, O5 Cyclops decides to take a big chance at pissing off karma again and submits to the Black Vortex. It’s a powerful moment in that he does this in a very different set of circumstances compared to his older self or Jean Grey. He didn’t have this power thrust on him. Tony Stark didn’t shoot it at him with a big ass gun. He chose to embrace this power and intends to use it for the right reasons. That may still fly in the face of the whole concept of power corrupting, but that shit is a lot less meaningful when surrounded by Mr. Knife’s thugs.

So once again, Cyclops is imbued with cosmic power. O5 Iceman and Groot get it too. And with this power, the fight becomes about as fair as a cage fight between Andre the Giant and Justin Bieber. It makes for a beautifully potent moment where the three of them paint the walls with the humiliation of Mr. Knife’s thugs. And this time, Cyclops’ cosmic costume isn’t a complete rip-off of Red Robin. So DC’s lawyers can put their dicks back in their pants.

There’s no cosmic rage. No planets start burning and nobody starts blaming O5 Cyclops for launching an attack on Wakanda. They remain in control and badass. The only thing that doesn’t work is O5 Iceman’s cosmic form. Seriously, he looks like a frost giant fucked Orlando Bloom. It is by far the least imposing cosmic form he could possibly have. I guess this is the universe’s way of telling him his adult self is a total douche.

Armed with this power, they fight their way out of Mr. Knife’s fortress and make sure they take the Black Vortex with them. They are now feeling pretty damn good about themselves. They can finally let their cosmic nuts hang a little. They don’t get to hang for very long though. They end up running right into a battle between the X-men, the Guadians of the Galaxy, Nova, and the Slaughter Lords. I still think it’s an upgrade compared to being in the same ship as Mr. Knife, but not by much. This also helps link this issue up with the events of the others because the other cosmic-enhanced friends also realized that it was in everybody’s interest to keep the Black Vortex away from Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords. It shouldn’t take cosmic power to realize that, but I try not to hold that against them. Mr. Knife is just that big a douche.

O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot immediately try to help their friends. But O5 Cyclops is more concerned with contacting his dad again. He fails and even loses track of the Black Vortex at one point. Captain Marvel ends up saving his ass, saying she and the others have plans for dealing with this thing. They just have to get through the Slaughter Lords first.

Captain Marvel even gives O5 Cyclops more incentive by revealing that Mr. Knife had Thane encase the entire planet Spartax in amber and that includes his father. So right now, she doesn’t know if his father is alive or dead. But he is in a shitty situation that can become a lot shittier if Mr. Knife gets his hands on the Black Vortex.

It makes for one last emotional moment that helps sum up all the emotions that this series has explored. First, O5 Cyclops finds out that the telepathic message he got from his father earlier wasn’t actually a message. It was just his own mind creating the message for him. But for once, a voice in his head isn’t a sign that he’s going crazy or letting Emma Frost fuck with him again. It shows just how big an influence Corsair has had on him.

Spending time with his father has helped O5 Cyclops understand the man he ended up becoming. It also helped him understand the kind of man he has to be if he doesn’t want to become the asshole that Wolverine badly wants to stab. In the end, he realizes that he doesn’t have to become this morally gray asshole that bases his decisions on how much it’ll piss off the Norman Osbornes of the world. He can just do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing.

It’s a perfect way to sum up the journey he’s taken since joining his father. He’s rediscovered what it means to be the kind of Scott Summers that people don’t want to stab repeatedly. He can still be that lovable boy scout that he is at heart. He doesn’t have to be corrupted by all the crazy shit that happens to him. He can take all these skills and powers and use them to save the world. If anyone not named Wolverine can still hate him after that, then they’re just assholes.

Reading this issue was bittersweet and not just because it was another quality insight into the mind of a teenage Cyclops. Ever since this series began, it has succeeded way beyond a typical father/son getaway. At a time when legions of fans are bitching and whining about Cyclops’ character on every comic book message board in existence, this series helped remind everybody why Cyclops was such a great character to begin with. And more than anything else, this young version of Cyclops proves that his older self really did lose his way. And O5 Cyclops can still get the job done without becoming Emma Frost’s personal gigolo.

In addition to being bittersweet, this issue also did a great job maintaining the tone of the series while effectively tying it into the events of the Black Vortex. It effectively incorporates the events of O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot’s imprisonment with the events that unfolded in other issues. It wasn’t completely seamless, but it was effective in every meaningful way. It adds detail and depth to a story that has already offered plenty. It also adds a fitting cap to help give O5 Cyclops some perspective on the journey he’s had since this series began. It’s fun, heartfelt, and meaningful. And that’s something that Cyclops just hasn’t had since he first learned how clones fuck everything up. Cyclops #12 gets a well-deserved, albeit solemn 9 out of 10. I want to give it a perfect score, but I just can’t reward how goofy a cosmic-powered Iceman looks.

On a final note, I know Cyclops fans are in a strange place right now, bitching and moaning about how he’s handled the Last Will of Charles Xavier and AXIS. But please, my fellow nerd-rage addicts, take a moment to appreciate what this series has given us. This is a kind, caring, lovable Cyclops that doesn’t get overly drunk on cosmic power. He’s the kind of guy we don’t mind hooking up with the Jean Greys and Emma Frosts of the world. Please, for those not overly hardened by internet trolls, appreciate that and cherish this series for what it is. Nuff said!

Overwhelming and Overdue Humility: Uncanny X-men #32

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #32, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Society is willing to give certain people a pass when karma screws them over one times too many. We can’t help but have a certain amount of sympathy for someone who only goes to their high school reunion to beat up the bully that once tormented them. It’s that kind of sentiment that makes A Christmas Story and the Karate Kid movies so enjoyable.

On some levels, the X-men as a whole deserve that kind of sentiment. While every other comic book franchise is capitalizing on the success of their movies, the X-men are stuck carrying themselves like a kid with a black eye that Brett Ratner gave them nearly a decade ago. The growing prominence of every other comic book entity not controlled by Rupert Murdoch has made the X-men the superhero equivalent of henchmen to a James Bond villain. They lost Avengers vs. X-men. They lost their top gun when Wolverine died. And now some of them are being retconned out of the X-men’s world because Joss Whedon is at a point in his career where he gets what he wants.

While many prominent X-men characters have been hit by this shift, few have been tormented more than Cyclops. Ironically enough, Joss Whedon was the last writer to really understand that karma needed to take a breather from screwing Cyclops over. The man has lost two wives, he had to give up his son, and he had to make all the hard choices when Charles Xavier wouldn’t. And all the while, others like Captain America and Hank McCoy went out of their way to criticizing him while never once offering to help shoulder the burden.

But that still wasn’t enough. After Avengers vs. X-men, he lost his girlfriend, he went to prison, and now the team he did everything to save hates his guts. If anyone deserves to have a nervous breakdown and take it out on Wolverine’s grave, it’s Cyclops. He even has a chance in Uncanny X-men #32. While he manages to retain his sanity, he probably wishes he hadn’t because that probably would’ve made what happened easier.

This story puts Cyclops at rock bottom again. He was already at this point after the events of Avengers vs. X-men, but he somehow found a way to sink lower after the Last Will and Testament of Charles Xavier. He doesn’t just find out that the man he accidentally killed left him the Xavier Institute and all his money. He also finds out from a time-traveling Tempus that he fails miserably to stop a mutant from losing control and destroying everything he loves. It’s like finding out on the first day of his dream job that he not only fails. The job drives him crazy and eventually kills him. Unless that job involves being a Chuck Norris’ stunt man, it’s pretty jarring.

This leads Cyclops through a series of difficult and humbling moments where he has to stand in front of the mutants he’s been teaching and admit to them he failed. He then tries to explain in a calm, sincere manner that it would be better for them to join the Jean Grey Institute while he shut down the New Xavier School. Having left behind their old lives to join his revolution, it’s pretty hard to accept. It would be like Morpheus telling Neo they got the wrong guy just before he’s about to fight Agent Smith.

Since his students are immature teenagers who only recently learned the joys of fighting giant killer robots, they don’t take it well. Their hatred for him is visceral, even if he’s sincere in protecting them. They don’t even give Cyclops a chance to fully explain himself. It’s an emotional moment that shows how Cyclops, despite his shortcomings, was able to inspire these young mutants. Telling them to walk away, even if it’s for the better, requires that he be a glutton for punishment. It even knocks him out at one point. Since he’s dealing with superpowered teenagers, he’s lucky that’s all he suffered.

But the most defining moment for Cyclops came from Emma Frost. Any conversation with an ex-girlfriend is bound to be awkward on some levels, but there’s an extra dimension of emotion involved with these two. Once again, it’s Joss Whedon who is largely responsible for that. His influence is just that great.

During this conversation, Cyclops laments all the ways the X-men have failed to protect the mutant race. They really have tried everything, short of going on Oprah. They started their own country, they had their own asteroid for a while, and they try even tried to join the Avengers. It didn’t work. They’re still hated and feared while nobody seems to be protesting the Inhumans for some reason. It’s a perfectly reasonable observation, but one that doesn’t impress Emma Frost.

It’s Emma who basically pins Cyclops at rock bottom with lead bricks. She reminds him how much she cared for him and how much she believed in him. While he balks at any possible notion that they could be together again, she makes clear to him that he’s not in a right state of mind and hasn’t been for a while now. He’s gone from Peyton Manning to Ryan Leaf, having suffered a few nasty losses and losing his winning spirit as a result. At least he didn’t assault a reporter.

It’s this defining moment that highlights where Cyclops is and where he has to go. The events of AXIS and the Last Will of Charles Xavier finally sink in for him. And now that his still-inverted brother, Havok, has joined him, he has an opportunity to get back on track. That’s the core message in Uncanny X-men #32. It shows Cyclops overdosing on humility, having an intervention, and agreeing to get his life back on track.

It’s a meaningful, relevant story. However, it’s poorly organized in the sense that it doesn’t transition smoothly from one moment to another and it glosses over a few details. It also isn’t going to qualify for a pay-per-view event in terms of action. This story is all about personal drama and while some of it is overdue, most of it still feels meaningful.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #32

For some characters, it's a challenge to give them the benefit of the doubt. Some just don't have a good track record of not finding a way to fuck it up. But if ever a character deserved a mulligan or two on his fuck-ups, it's Cyclops. I know there are a vocal contingent of fans who hate his guts and everything he does. First they said he was boring. Then they said he was a total douche. They basically treat him like Michael Bay, always finding flaws in everything he does despite being an undeniable success. I tend to think these fans are in need of better weed. But come on, this is a guy who lost two wives, a son, and a father figure. Yet he still tries to lead the X-men as best he can, even when everybody hates his guts. How can anyone not respect that on some levels? The Hank McCoys of the world being the lone exception.

The Last Will of Charles Xavier brought out the worst in Cyclops. Sure, it got retconned in the end, but it showed just how capable he is of fucking up when the going gets tough. The problem is that nobody else is willing to offer an alternative so he still gets the blame, no matter what. Now he has Xavier's will and the shit storm caused by AXIS to deal with. So he's already half-screwed before he does anything at this point. But Uncanny X-men #32 is a chance for him to show that he can still be the leader the X-men need him to be, even if it makes the Icemans and Beasts of the world violently ill. Whether he'll fuck that up too remains to be seen.

At the very least, Cyclops can at least say that his own brother isn't in the same camp as Iceman and Beast. One of the many consequences of AXIS that nobody has bothered to address since it ended was that Havok stayed inverted. He didn't go back to being the guy who shined Captain America's boots and lectured people about the politically correct way to use the word "mutant." If we all wanted that, we'd listen to Al Sharpton. Instead, his inversion led him to joining his renegade brother's mutant revolution. It's the kind of brotherly love that we haven't seen from Cyclops and Havok since Brett Favre was still flip-flopping over his retirement. But it's a little too late.

While Havok reuniting with Cyclops does help give a big middle finger to the Avengers and their bullshit unity team, it also happens to come at a time when the shit storm caused by the Last Will and Testament of Charles Xavier is still settling down. It makes no fucking sense from a chronological and logistical point. First, they were dealing with Charles Xavier's will. Then they were dealing with the Scarlet Witch's inversion spell. Now maybe there was some time between Havok leaving the Uncanny Avengers and him joining Cyclops that would make this slightly less contrived. But nobody likes making assumptions in a world where marriages and family ties can be retconned so it still feels forced. Even so, it's still a meaningful moment in that it re-establishes a connection between Cyclops and Havok.

That heart-warming moment doesn't really last because it happens to come on the same day Cyclops basically shut down the New Xavier School. Just a few hours before Havok arrived to admit that the Avengers are assholes, Cyclops gathered his students and told them about his decision. He calmly and kindly explained to them that he's going to help transfer them to the Jean Grey Institute where they can get the training and education they need. He even assures them they'll be safe there. He probably even mentioned Storm is there to protect them. How the fuck could that not appeal to them?

It sounds so reasonable and sincere. Naturally, they all tell Cyclops to go fuck himself. As with most teenagers who receive reasonable and sincere advice from an adult, they get fucking pissed. Now most of their reactions make no fucking sense. They bitch and moan about how they left their homes to fight alongside him. Sure, they never mention the part where Cyclops never forced them to join, but they're teenagers. That would be too reasonable. But they still have a legitimate reason for being pissed. They agreed to follow this man. They supported him even when he fucked up. Now he's telling them they have to go to another school. And for teenagers, being sincere and having a damn good reason just isn't enough. It's like arguing with a vindictive ex-girlfriend. Reason and sincerity just won't cut it.

Cyclops' inverted brother ends up being much more understanding. And seriously, that should say a lot about the teenage characters in this series. Havok, after sleeping off the effects of being horribly scarred and inverted during AXIS, wakes up to find that Cyclops is planning on turning himself in. He's going to take the blame for the death of Charles Xavier. Sure, the Scarlet Witch isn't going to take the blame for M-Day and Wolverine never took the blame for killing his son. But that's a technicality that only those with overpaid lawyers can afford.

It makes for another nice moment between brothers. It's also a complete reversal for Havok. At the beginning of Uncanny Avengers, he and Hank McCoy were joined at the hip in the "We blame Cyclops!" fan club. Now he's telling his brother that it was an accident. He was not fully responsible. Maybe this can be attributed to the inversion, but even Mitt Romney would be taken aback by this kind of flip-flopping. It still makes for a very nice moment where the two brothers reconnect. It also is a nice moment of humility for Cyclops. And after the shit he did during the Last Will and Testament of Charles Xavier, he fucking needed it. I won't say he completely balances out, but he comes pretty damn close.

Even so, the students of the New Xavier School don't give a shit. Goldballs even expresses his discontent by knocking Cyclops out. It's only slightly less healthy than bitching and moaning on a message board, but it helps convey the sentiment of Cyclops' students. It's pretty intense, as it should be. Emma, Illyana, and Kitty Pryde even show up. They only slightly more reasonable. And Illyana and Kitty Pryde end up just leaving. I guess that's still healthier than the way Goldballs reacted, but it makes for a chaotic yet dramatic situation.

There's a lot of anger. They keep asking for an explanation, but they don't give Cyclops a chance to give it to them. They'd rather storm off and be pissed. I'd expect that from Hank McCoy a 13-year-old girl whose parents refused to buy them an iPhone, but not from X-men or mutant revolutionaries. In that sense, they'll probably fit right in at the Jean Grey Institute because I'm sure Hank McCoy will help nurture their irrational Cyclops hatred.

Eventually, Emma Frost confronts Cyclops privately and she does it fully clothed. That's how he knows she's serious. She yells at him too, but in a much more constructive way. That alone makes her the most reasonable ex-girlfriend in the history of the Marvel universe. She still reminds him how he begged her to join him even after they broke up and she barred him from ever seeing her naked again. She reminds him how she went along with him, even when she had so many reasons to strap him to a chair, shove a dildo in his mouth, and make him watch her bang Namor until the next full moon. It's a nice little refresher course on the emotional toll these two have taken on one another, but it has a meaningful point and she doesn't even have to flash her boobs to make it.

Emma finally gives him a chance to come clean and explain what he hoped to do with this mutant revolution, which is way more than any of his students gave him. And the answer Cyclops gives is both telling and pretty damn compelling. He lists all the ways that the X-men have tried to realize Charles Xavier's dream. They tried being heroes. They tried fighting alongside the Avengers. They tried starting their own country. They tried damn near everything. And he rightly points out that all that shit has failed.

He's not blowing pot smoke at a sick dog either. First there was Genosha. It became the site of mass genocide and later, it was the site of a Nazi concentration camp. Then, they tried Utopia because Norman Osborne was a massive prick. The Avengers ended up invading that shit and it all went downhill from there. All the while the X-men kept trying to work alongside humans and all it ever got them was a middle finger and a proverbial "fuck off." What else could they have done?

What Cyclops lays out feels like a natural, albeit desperate progression. He made his revolution out to be a threat to tell the world to knock this shit off. One genocide should've been enough, but mutants still keep getting all this crazy shit that leads cops to shoot innocent mutants for no reason, as Hijack found out recently. With Charles Xavier dead, it felt like the dream really was dead as well. And Cyclops' desperation really drove him this time. It wasn't out of anger or malice. It had a legitimate point. At this point, only the Hank McCoys of the world would still give him shit for it.

This explanation does seem to resonate with Emma Frost...for about five minutes or so. The Cyclops/Emma fans might want to look away and get some extra strong weed because this is where the emotions start to take a turn. First, she hints that maybe they should start over. Maybe she should take the lock off her panties so they could start fresh. Cyclops, showing more will power than any straight man in the history of any universe, says fuck no.

This leads to another powerful moment where Emma Frost reveals that, once again, she's been lying to him. She reveals her powers have been fixed and they've been fixed for a while now. It's not the first time she's lied to him. Even when they were together, Emma has had a nasty tendency to lie. She kept lying even after she promised to stop lying. Even if she has the best rack in all of comics, there's only so much lying a relationship can handle. But by revealing this latest lie, Emma breaks Cyclops down in a way that only an ex-girlfriend can. And she even manages to do it without making him feel like his balls have been sucked into a black hole. Somehow that makes her even sexier, although that should surprise no one at this point.

Once these lies are exposed, Emma reminds him that as bitter an ex-girlfriend as she is, she still admires him. She admires his thoughts and his desires. She probably admires his penis too, but she leaves that out because I'm sure it was implied. She reminds him of this because she shared a lot with him and not just her panties. That means Emma Frost probably knows better than anyone the kind of man Cyclops is capable of being. Now he's essentially punching that man in the dick and telling him to piss off. It's enough to make her wish her powers were still broken. It sends another powerful message that only Emma Frost could ever truly get across. She can make her point and look damn sexy doing it.

Emma tells Cyclops outright that he can't unmake the threats he made for his mutant revolution. And if he's going to back down from them, then he might as well shave his balls and get a tattoo of Hank McCoy's dick on his face. If he's not going to understand that, then she's not going to stay. She won't let herself live in an area where there's a chance he could plant a camera in her shower. It's probably the most brutally honest Emma Frost has ever been. And for the White Queen, that's saying something.

While her departure probably hurt Cyclops in a way for which his penis will never forgive him, Havok is ecstatic. This might be the inversion talking, but he's glad Emma Frost is gone. I'm sure he felt that dating the former White Queen was bad for his soul. Then again, he dated Magneto's daughter so he's not one to talk. Then in a very uninverted moment, he inspires Cyclops to do something more productive than turn himself over to the authorities. He urges him to do something that Charles Xavier and Wolverine would be proud of. At the very least, he should do something that'll make Iceman and Beast shut the fuck up. He doesn't say what it is, but it's clear that Cyclops is open to alternatives. In fact, this is probably the first alternative anybody has ever bothered to give him. And it's pretty fucking pathetic that it takes an inversion spell for someone to finally come up with something. Go figure.

This was one of those issues where everyone finally channeled their inner PMS. All these emotions and issues that had been either glossed over or set aside were finally laid out like Bill Clinton's secret porno stash. It was revealing, engaging, and even a little titillating. Or maybe that's just the blow talking. I can never tell. But after the chaotic shit storm caused by AXIS and the Last Will and Testament of Charles Xavier, this issue finally stopped throwing more shit at the fan and moved the story of Cyclops' revolution forward in a meaningful way. Sure, no SHIELD helicarriers crashed and no Avengers were pwned, but it did succeed in making Havok likable again and that alone is a hell of an accomplishment.

That's not to say the whole flip-flopping on who killed Charles Xavier for what reason was any less annoying. At this point, that whole debate is like a used condom. Nobody wants to handle it anymore and nobody really should. And this whole inversion crap that's supposed to be affecting Havok really didn't come into play like it has with Sabretooth and Tony Stark. So now another detail is getting glossed over. It's not quite as egregious, but it still continues an annoying trend. There's still a lot to like about this issue and what it does for Cyclops' story. He's humbled himself in ways that were overdue. And it feels like he's finally ready to step up and make the Hank McCoys of the world eat a bucket of shit. That's why I give Uncanny X-men #32 a 7 out of 10. It's good and it'll give everyone who has an annoying little brother warm and fuzzy feelings inside. For those who once had hot blonde girlfriends, not so much. So I guess that Hugh Hefner is the only one who should stay away from this comic. Nuff said!