Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #12

If Murphy’s Law had actually been passed by a real politician, I’m confident that said politician would have been tarred, feathered, and forced to listen to every One Direction song until the end of time. It’s one of those laws that can’t be bribed or stashed away in the glove box like a bunch of unpaid parking tickets, some of which go back to the Bush administration. If something truly can go wrong, the universe will make it happen like a horny meth head trying to fuck a banana peel. It may take some creativity and some lube, but it’ll happen.

For the X-men, Murphy’s Law has an amendment regarding cosmic power on the level Phoenix Force. That amendment basically states that if anyone gets drunk on cosmic power, especially if that someone’s name is Jean Grey, bad shit is going to happen. It’s like giving Mel Gibson truth serum, a recorder, and a book of famous Jewish men. It’s not going to end well. The Black Vortex isn’t quite the same as the Phoenix Force, but it has the potential to be the light beer version of it. The X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and the Starjammers are trying to stop too many people from going on a bender. In Cyclops #12, someone throws a few tequila shooters into the mix to test this amended version of Murphy’s Law. It may or may not end in a total cosmic shit storm, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be entertaining as fuck.

And when it comes to entertainment, how could a prison break involving pirates not be entertaining? Seriously, Joel Shumacher would have to come out of retirement to make something like that seem awful. This is exactly what O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot need. They ended up getting captured by Mr. Knife while helping the rest of the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy escape Spartax. And since Mr. Knife is about as welcoming as Tom Cruise at a convention of psychiatrists, they definitely need to be rescued. They can’t expect to stay in one piece for very long for a guy who probably jerks off to thoughts of torturing his son.

O5 Cyclops even fantasizes about the kind of rescue operation that his father would have to carry out to save him. It’s so vivid and specific that we don’t immediately know it isn’t happening and probably wouldn’t know if previous issues hadn’t already shown Corsair getting the Jurassic Park treatment in amber. But even if it isn’t real, it shows that O5 Cyclops has become pretty adept at thinking like a badass space pirate. And this kid is only 16. Most 16-year-olds these days are thinking about Jennifer Lawrence naked in a tub of chocolate pudding. O5 Cyclops knows how to make good use of his thoughts and unlike the Michael Jackson’s of the world, he has good reason to trust his father. It’s a big part of what has made this series so enjoyable.

Unfortunately, like a bad hangover coupled with a surprise visit from the IRS, O5 Cyclops gets a slap in the face from reality. And unlike most immature teenagers, he accepts it. He senses something is wrong because his father hasn’t shown up to pull off another one of his badass rescues. It’s not entirely inaccurate either, but his concern still feels genuine. This isn’t the callous, bitter adult Cyclops who probably misses seeing Emma Frost naked. This is a young, uncorrupted Cyclops who has come to appreciate his father’s skills while learning that he doesn’t have to be a total dick to get the job done. It even almost got him some alien pussy so it has to be genuine.

Unlike his experience with Captain Malafect, O5 Cyclops doesn’t have to endure this crap alone. He has O5 Iceman and Groot to keep him company. And also unlike his adult form, O5 Iceman hasn’t been corrupted by whatever powerful forces made his adult self such a douche-bag. He doesn’t bust O5 Cyclpos’ balls for shit he did or might do in the future. He just tries to be a good friend like he used to be when he was the kind of guy I didn’t want to punch in the jaw. It’s another one of those more innocent elements that adds sincerity to this moment. But it also shows just how fucked they are as prisoners of Mr. Knife.

They don’t stay fucked though. Unlike O5 Iceman, O5 Cyclops did spend a lot of time learning to be a badass space pirate. That means if his father can’t come to rescue him, then he’ll do it himself. And he’ll do it without the promise that Emma Frost or Jean Grey will reward him with lingerie and flavored lube. That in and of itself should demonstrate how awesome O5 Cyclops can be.

What he does would make Jack Sparrow and Captain Kirk both proud and confused. Somehow, he’s able to use his optic blasts to activate a fingerprint scanner. It sounds a bit too much like Batman’s shark repellant and it is. I don’t remember Corsair ever teaching him shit like this, but it definitely feels like something a pirate would do, as contrived it may be.

The only problem is that escaping didn’t even partially unfuck their situation. They’re still on a ship surrounded by mercenaries hired by Mr. Knife. That’s like sobering up while still in the middle of a bar fight. It doesn’t necessarily give them an advantage. It even has the potential to make them even more fucked.

Since they can’t expect Mr. Knife to treat escaped prisoners any better than he treats his outlaw son, they fight. And by that I mean they run. I know Captain Kirk would’ve probably fought, but he probably would’ve been killed too or made useless to all sexy alien women for the rest of his life. There are times to fight and times to run and this one doesn’t leave much wiggle room.

So they run and they eventually find the Black Vortex. This isn’t as contrived as it sounds. In a previous issue, the Slaughter Lords did retrieve the Black Vortex for Mr. Knife. So it does fit the overall narrative. But the fact that it’s not locked up in a safe guarded by an army of Chuck Norris clones is a bit confusing. Maybe Mr. Knife just too cheap to splurge on a vault or something. I guess if the Death Star can be destroyed by one shitty thermal exhaust port, Mr. Knife can be cheap.

But finding the Black Vortex presents O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot with a tough dilemma. They’re surrounded in a ship of Mr. Knife’s ruthless mercenaries and they quickly end up trapped. They’re not going to fight their way out of this shit. The only chance they have of surviving is to give into the Black Vortex. O5 Iceman is all for it, but O5 Cyclops is understandably reluctant. He still remembers how cosmic power fucked up Jean Grey and led him to killing Professor Xavier. It’s another moment of sincere conflict and the fact he hesitates shows that learning about his adult self has affected him in a meaningful way. He’s trying to not be that guy and getting drunk on cosmic power certainly can’t help in that effort.

As time starts to become a factor, he gets what he believes to be a telepathic message, courtesy of O5 Jean Grey. I guess this is her way of making up for O5 Beast cock-blocking him earlier. This allows him to get a heartfelt message from Corsair, who tells him what has already been made painfully apparent over the course of this series. O5 Cyclops is not like his adult self. He’s shown that he can do the right thing for the right reasons. He doesn’t have to be a ticking time bomb waiting to kill Charles Xavier or jump into bed with Emma Frost the first chance he gets. He can be something better and his father trusts him to be that man.

Because of this trust, O5 Cyclops decides to take a big chance at pissing off karma again and submits to the Black Vortex. It’s a powerful moment in that he does this in a very different set of circumstances compared to his older self or Jean Grey. He didn’t have this power thrust on him. Tony Stark didn’t shoot it at him with a big ass gun. He chose to embrace this power and intends to use it for the right reasons. That may still fly in the face of the whole concept of power corrupting, but that shit is a lot less meaningful when surrounded by Mr. Knife’s thugs.

So once again, Cyclops is imbued with cosmic power. O5 Iceman and Groot get it too. And with this power, the fight becomes about as fair as a cage fight between Andre the Giant and Justin Bieber. It makes for a beautifully potent moment where the three of them paint the walls with the humiliation of Mr. Knife’s thugs. And this time, Cyclops’ cosmic costume isn’t a complete rip-off of Red Robin. So DC’s lawyers can put their dicks back in their pants.

There’s no cosmic rage. No planets start burning and nobody starts blaming O5 Cyclops for launching an attack on Wakanda. They remain in control and badass. The only thing that doesn’t work is O5 Iceman’s cosmic form. Seriously, he looks like a frost giant fucked Orlando Bloom. It is by far the least imposing cosmic form he could possibly have. I guess this is the universe’s way of telling him his adult self is a total douche.

Armed with this power, they fight their way out of Mr. Knife’s fortress and make sure they take the Black Vortex with them. They are now feeling pretty damn good about themselves. They can finally let their cosmic nuts hang a little. They don’t get to hang for very long though. They end up running right into a battle between the X-men, the Guadians of the Galaxy, Nova, and the Slaughter Lords. I still think it’s an upgrade compared to being in the same ship as Mr. Knife, but not by much. This also helps link this issue up with the events of the others because the other cosmic-enhanced friends also realized that it was in everybody’s interest to keep the Black Vortex away from Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords. It shouldn’t take cosmic power to realize that, but I try not to hold that against them. Mr. Knife is just that big a douche.

O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot immediately try to help their friends. But O5 Cyclops is more concerned with contacting his dad again. He fails and even loses track of the Black Vortex at one point. Captain Marvel ends up saving his ass, saying she and the others have plans for dealing with this thing. They just have to get through the Slaughter Lords first.

Captain Marvel even gives O5 Cyclops more incentive by revealing that Mr. Knife had Thane encase the entire planet Spartax in amber and that includes his father. So right now, she doesn’t know if his father is alive or dead. But he is in a shitty situation that can become a lot shittier if Mr. Knife gets his hands on the Black Vortex.

It makes for one last emotional moment that helps sum up all the emotions that this series has explored. First, O5 Cyclops finds out that the telepathic message he got from his father earlier wasn’t actually a message. It was just his own mind creating the message for him. But for once, a voice in his head isn’t a sign that he’s going crazy or letting Emma Frost fuck with him again. It shows just how big an influence Corsair has had on him.

Spending time with his father has helped O5 Cyclops understand the man he ended up becoming. It also helped him understand the kind of man he has to be if he doesn’t want to become the asshole that Wolverine badly wants to stab. In the end, he realizes that he doesn’t have to become this morally gray asshole that bases his decisions on how much it’ll piss off the Norman Osbornes of the world. He can just do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing.

It’s a perfect way to sum up the journey he’s taken since joining his father. He’s rediscovered what it means to be the kind of Scott Summers that people don’t want to stab repeatedly. He can still be that lovable boy scout that he is at heart. He doesn’t have to be corrupted by all the crazy shit that happens to him. He can take all these skills and powers and use them to save the world. If anyone not named Wolverine can still hate him after that, then they’re just assholes.

Reading this issue was bittersweet and not just because it was another quality insight into the mind of a teenage Cyclops. Ever since this series began, it has succeeded way beyond a typical father/son getaway. At a time when legions of fans are bitching and whining about Cyclops’ character on every comic book message board in existence, this series helped remind everybody why Cyclops was such a great character to begin with. And more than anything else, this young version of Cyclops proves that his older self really did lose his way. And O5 Cyclops can still get the job done without becoming Emma Frost’s personal gigolo.

In addition to being bittersweet, this issue also did a great job maintaining the tone of the series while effectively tying it into the events of the Black Vortex. It effectively incorporates the events of O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot’s imprisonment with the events that unfolded in other issues. It wasn’t completely seamless, but it was effective in every meaningful way. It adds detail and depth to a story that has already offered plenty. It also adds a fitting cap to help give O5 Cyclops some perspective on the journey he’s had since this series began. It’s fun, heartfelt, and meaningful. And that’s something that Cyclops just hasn’t had since he first learned how clones fuck everything up. Cyclops #12 gets a well-deserved, albeit solemn 9 out of 10. I want to give it a perfect score, but I just can’t reward how goofy a cosmic-powered Iceman looks.

On a final note, I know Cyclops fans are in a strange place right now, bitching and moaning about how he’s handled the Last Will of Charles Xavier and AXIS. But please, my fellow nerd-rage addicts, take a moment to appreciate what this series has given us. This is a kind, caring, lovable Cyclops that doesn’t get overly drunk on cosmic power. He’s the kind of guy we don’t mind hooking up with the Jean Greys and Emma Frosts of the world. Please, for those not overly hardened by internet trolls, appreciate that and cherish this series for what it is. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #11

We all tell crazy lies at some point in our lives. Sometimes we do it to get ahead. Sometimes we do it to get laid. Sometimes we do it because we work at Fox News and lying is the only way Rupert Murdoch can get an erection anymore. Contrary to what the hippies may say, most lies are harmless. But certain lies can do a fuckton of damage if they come out the wrong way. Most of us learn that lesson in our youth, especially during our teen years. O5 Cyclops is learning that lesson in the hardest way possible.

For once, Cyclops did everything right. He did the right thing for the right reason. He saved his father from Captain Malafect. He even went out of his way to save Captain Malafect’s crew when he didn’t have to. Even the assholes who still bust his balls for what happened with Madelyne Pryor have to admit he’s done all the right things. But that just wasn’t enough for Vileena, the hot alien girl who wanted to show him her inter-species mating rituals. Even alien teenage girls don’t give a shit about the circumstances. He lied to her and that pisses her off in a way that justifies ball busting torture. It’s a tough lesson that men have to learn at some point in their lives and O5 Cyclops gets to learn it in Cyclops #11. But it’s going to be an important lesson, especially if he’s going to survive dating Emma Frost.

First, he has to survive being the latest of Vileena’s unfortunate love interests. As it turns out, she has a bit of a history with cute young pirates. And it’s not unlike the same history a hungry piranha has with a wounded duck. It’s revealed through some flashbacks that O5 Cyclops isn’t the first hormonal male who has been smitten with Vileena’s charms. And like the Hilton kids, she never hesitates to exploit her family’s resources.

She wants her father to torture O5 Cyclops in every horrible way imaginable and a teenage girl can imagine some pretty fucked up shit. And I’m sure under most circumstances Captain Malafect wouldn’t hesitate to listen to his precious little girl’s whining the same way Paris Hilton’s family entertained her failed music career. There’s just one big fucking problem. They’re in a busted ship and the big fancy weapon they hoped to sell for a fuckton of money is broken. And since badass pirates can’t afford to be broke, they have to work smart. Money does indeed trump whiney teenage girls. It’s one of the few forces that can.

This takes the conflict to a special little hell hole called Tjaro-6. It’s basically an even shittier version of Mos Eisleys in Star Wars. It’s basically a pirate’s den, but it doesn’t just trade in weapons, ships, and Wookie furs. It also trades in slaves. It’s basically what sweatshop owners wish existed. And this is where Malafect wants to take O5 Cyclops and Corsair. I think on some levels Vileena would be okay with that.

But it’s not just Corsair and O5 Cyclops who have to enjoy this colorful speck of hell in the galaxy. The rest of the Starjammers were lucky enough to be rescued by slave traders. And where do slave traders go to take their cargo? I guess Tjaro-6 is the Wal-Mart of slaves. Now this also makes for a galactic level coincidence. The Starjammers just happened to be picked up by slave traders and they just happen to end up in the same place as Corsair and O5 Cyclops. Even if Tjaro-6 is the Wal-Mart of slaves, it’s still quite a coincidence. I won’t say it’s overly contrived. They’re pirates. I imagine they cross paths with slave traders at least once a week. So it does fit in that context. It just feels too convenient in a galaxy large enough to have more than one slave post.

Convenience or not, it still makes for a less-than-pleasant reunion between Corsair and his crew. They arrive shortly after Hepzibah and the others are thrown into cells. So if he and O5 Cyclops were hoping the rest of the Starjammers would rescue them, he can pretty much flush that down the toilet along with his dignity. They don’t even give him the courtesy of a conjugal visit. These are slave traders, not medium security prisons, not discount motels along the Jersey Turnpike. However, I imagine the beds are just as comfortable.

Before Corsair and O5 Cyclops get thrown into a cell, O5 Cyclops attempts to reason with Kratyr. He’s the big yellow Thing rip-off who O5 Cyclops went out of his way to save during their battle against the Shi’ar. He’s not Captain Malafect and he’s not Vileena. O5 Cyclops never broke his heart or made him horny. He has a reason to help O5 Cyclops. He’s the one who directly benefited from O5 Cyclops’ annoying tendency to be a boy scout. But it wasn’t enough. He still throws them in a slave cell, knowing they’ll probably get sold into an alien plantation or an alien zoo, whoever has deeper pockets pays better.

However, the torture and indignation that O5 Cyclops and Corsair would endure as slaves still isn’t enough for Vileena. Like a spoiled rich girl who is upset over having one less Bentley than her neighbor, she demands that O5 Cyclops die. It’s a perfectly irrational demand for any teenage girl to make, alien or otherwise. The problem is that few badass space pirates succeed by listening to the whims of teenage girls and Captain Malafect understands this.

He calmly explains to her that killing O5 Cyclops and Corsair will just make things harder for them in the long run. Their ship already got fucked up after their battle with the Shi’ar. They need money in order to fix it. Since the starcracker is trashed, they need to sell O5 Cyclops and Corsair as slaves. That way they have the money to fix their ship and get the fuck away from the Shi’ar before they can come looking for their missing starcracker. It’s a perfectly reasonable explanation. It makes good sense from a pragmatic and logistical level. But since when has that ever been enough to satisfy a pissed off teenager? Being reasonable and pragmatic just doesn’t compute for an immature teenage mind. Captain Malafect might as well be trying to convince a dog not to lick its balls.

This puts O5 Cyclops and Corsair in a very bad position. They’re about to be sold off as slaves. They even watch as the rest of the Starjammers get sold off and hauled away. This is usually the time where most people just start shitting themselves and not bother to ask for a change of underwear. Corsair certainly seems ready to take a knee, but O5 Cyclops remains convinced that they have to fight. Like I said, teenage minds simply can’t compute logistics sometimes. Corsair says they need a miracle, but they end up getting the next best thing.

Remember O5 Cyclops’ annoying tendency to be a boy scout and how that ended up screwing them over by helping Malafect? Well, it also ended up saving their miserable asses because the shackles on them just suddenly unlock. It’s not a miracle. O5 Cyclops figures out it comes courtesy of Kratyr, the Thing rip-off he went out of his way to save earlier. He set their shackles to unlock themselves. That way they can save themselves and he doesn’t screw himself over. It’s not just a perfect crime. It’s wonderfully befitting.

This is the kind of shit that the adult Cyclops forgot. Being the boy scout and doing the right thing may cause some nasty complications, some of which include pissing off vindictive ex-girlfriends. But it does pay off in the long run. Karma can screw people over, but it can deliver a much needed shot in the arm when shit starts to get heavy. It shows that there’s genuine merit to O5 Cyclops’ tactics. Even vehement Wolverine fans have to concede that this was much more effective than trying to solve every problem with claws and whiskey.

Once O5 Cyclops and Corsair escape, they race to get the fuck out of this slave pit. But their escape does not go unnoticed. And of course Vileena is the first one to make them wish they could live the rest of their lives as slaves. She manages to hunt them down and she brings a big fucking gun with her. She may not dress in the overtly sexual outfits of the Goblin Queen, but a big fucking gun is just as effective as an army of goblins. And she’s able to do what I’m sure Madelyne Pryor dreams of doing when she jerks off, punching O5 Cyclops right across the face after he tries to apologize. Considering what she could’ve done, I still think he got off easy.

This is where the pacing gets a little choppy and rushed. I get shit is starting to hit the fan, but it happens a little quickly. Vileena and Captain Malafect find O5 Cyclops and Corsair pretty damn quickly. That’s perfectly understandable. They want them to suffer. Why wouldn’t they keep a close eye on them? It just doesn’t flow as well as other recent shit storms in this series. I’m sure that still won’t stop the anti-Cyclops fans from enjoying the sight of Vileena decking him in ways that would get her suspended from the NFL.

But she does more than just punch him. She makes it clear that she really did care about O5 Cyclops. She’s not just some crazed teenage girl who enjoys getting pissed off at her love interests, although she doesn’t seem to mind. She really did care about O5 Cyclops. And his betrayal really did hurt her. It makes her cosmic hissy fit a bit more meaningful. That’s more than can be said for Madelyne Pryor. She tries making O5 Cyclops pay by shooting his father. I guess that basically ruins any possibility of break-up sex.

This is when Captain Malafect also gets in on the fun. Being a good father who spends time with his daughter and shares her passions, she decides to help her maim O5 Cyclops and Corsair. He goes after Corsair specifically, making a point at how much he hates it when hormonal boys hurt her daughter. He also takes plenty of that frustration out on Corsair. But for Corsair, his son’s ability to be a pain in Captain Malafect’s ass is a compliment. I guess that’s two things they both have in common. They’re very proud of their children and they’re willing to help them kick ass when it needs to be kicked. It’s the joys of fatherhood, minus the complications caused by Maury Pouvich.

The battle between the two sides is intense and visceral. That’s what makes it satisfying. This is a battle between two rival space pirates and two hormonal teenagers. It’s like Pirates of the Caribbean meets the Jersey Shore, taking two things that suck and making something awesome out of it. The emotions help make it an awesome battle. But it also ensures that it ends tragically.

Because she’s in a pissed off, overly emotional state, Vileena makes another poor decision. She attempts to throw a knife at Corsair and O5 Cyclops saves him. But in her anger, she fails to notice her father right behind him and the blade ends up killing him instead. It makes for another emotional moment. In her anger over a boy, she ends up killing her father. But being a teenage girl, chances are she’s not going to learn from that mistake. It’s a powerful moment that also gives O5 Cyclops and Corsair a chance to escape. O5 Cyclops offers his condolences, but he might as well offer her cupcakes laced with meth because there’s nothing that’s going to fix this situation for her.

The pacing gets a little rushed and choppy again, but it still helps tie up the remaining loose ends. Once free, O5 Cyclops and Corsair take out the slave traders who took the Starjammers. They then get the fuck out of this slave pit and back into the cold darkness of space, which at this point is like a beach in Maui.

But for Vileena, it’s not nearly as pleasant. She and the crew of the Desolation have a funeral for her father that they clearly ripped off from Star Trek. The crew then names her the captain because making a pissed off teenager a leader has always turned out well, as Game of Thrones has shown. I guess pirates should watch more HBO because Vileena makes it clear she’s now on Madelyne Pryor’s team. She wants to make O5 Cyclops suffer, even though she’s the one responsible for her father’s death. Why? She’s a teenage girl. It doesn’t need to be logical.

When all is said and done, the Starjammers are finally back home. They make their way back to their ship and start repairing it. They can finally focus on being badass space pirates again. They’ve more than earned it. It also gives them a chance to catch up with some of the events in the galaxy they missed, namely the shit storm being caused by the Black Vortex. They were already aware of it. Now they’re set up for the perfect transition that’ll put them in the crossfire of more cosmic power and more emotional teenagers, talking trees, and Hank McCoy. Because why not? They’ve just handled a ruthless pirate and his vindictive daughter. They’re more than equipped to handle a cosmic power not named the Phoenix Force.

This series has had more than its share of defining moments for O5 Cyclops. These were the kinds of moments that would’ve sent his older self farther down that darker path he’s been following ever since Apocalypse mind-fucked him and Emma Frost gave him a repeated dose of sloppy seconds. But O5 Cyclops didn’t fall into that same trap. He resisted the urge to become a Wolverine-lite anti-hero. He remained the lovable boy scout who kept trying to do the right thing, even when it screwed him over. And more than anything else, this issue showed how being that boy scout can pay off.

It was because O5 Cyclops showed mercy and compassion to even his enemies that he escaped Captain Malafect. Sure, Vileena still hates his guts. Sure, she blames him for her father’s death even though she’s the one who threw the fucking knife. But mercy and compassion just aren’t enough for teenage girls. However, it is enough to save him and his father in the most fitting and satisfying way possible. He didn’t have to compromise. He didn’t have to lose his fucking mind or sell his soul. He just had to keep fighting and doing the right thing. Even Madelyne Pryor fans have to respect that.

This issue did so many things right. It wrapped up plenty of loose ends. And while it did get a little choppy in some areas, it provided a perfect transition into the Black Vortex crossover. There was emotion, drama, tragedy, and badass space pirates kicking ass. Anyone who is not satisfied with that needs to lay off the valium. Cyclops #11 gets a 8 out of 10. It also deserves to be added to the list of reasons why Cyclops is an awesome character. It’s not just that he can hook up with hot telepaths and cute alien girls. He can do so while being a nice, honest boy scout. In other words, Hank McCoy can go fuck himself. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #10

I know I joke a lot about teenage boys thinking with their dicks and not their brains. I stand by all those jokes. Having been a teenage boy myself, I understand how hard it is to spare enough blood for my brain cells at times. But I never mean to imply that teenage boys are incapable of having genuine heart. They certainly are capable of it. They just have a harder time than most people because, as I’ve said many times before, an dick that never sleeps forces them to multi-task in ways they’re not prepared to handle. But if anyone has demonstrated an ability to show more compassion and erections, it’s O5 Cyclops.

In his solo series following his adventures with the Starjammers, he’s shown on multiple occasions an uncanny ability to be the most likable teenage boy since Doogie Howser. He’s found a way to re-connect with his father while also finding new ways to survive and be a total badass. He’s still a long ways away from being the Cyclops that eventually hooks up with Jean Grey and Emma Frost, but he’s shown that he’s well on his way. Part of that process involved hooking up with a hot alien girl named Vileena. However, he now faces the possibility of ditching her in ways that will make all the Madelyne Pryor fans bitch again. Cyclops #10 puts him and his father in a very difficult position that has a lot of emotional weight. But if there’s any teenage boy who can handle it in ways that wouldn’t make it come off as a Saved by the Bell rerun, it’s O5 Cyclops.

Those emotions are front and center as O5 Cyclops attempts to escape with Corsair from this big crystal planet that might as well be an oversized snow globe. From a purely strategic perspective, they’re in pretty good shape. Corsair didn’t just escape. He sabotaged the Starcracker that O5 Cyclops helped Captain Malafect steal. There’s really nothing bad about disabling a weapon capable of destroying an entire star, especially when it’s in the hand of a bunch of pirates who would gladly sell it to the highest bidder, provided they didn’t destroy their bank or their favorite brothel. And as far as Malafect’s crew knows, they’re both lying dead in a cave with a crystal monster digesting their bones. If staying alive and freeing his father was part of the plan, then O5 Cyclops succeeded in ways that even the Hank McCoys of the world would have to respect.

However, it still doesn’t sit well with him. All the time he spent with Captain Malafect’s crew helped build some bonds that he can’t easily forget. He’s still an emotional teenager who can’t be as cold or as ruthless as the Donald Trumps of the world. There’s also the matter of the cute alien girl, Vileena. In this case, his heart and his penis won’t allow him to feel that good about this outcome and that’s what makes the story more interesting than a glorified Survivor knock-off.

The emotions are a lot less complicated for Captain Malafect. He just found out that Corsair escaped and since he didn’t end up shooting anyone in the head, he probably doesn’t know that he disabled the Starcracker either. On top of that, he also finds out that the Starjammers are alive and being held captive by another batch of pirates. I’m starting to think that space in the Marvel universe has a real problem policing its trade routes. It’s at this point where all the dirty secrets finally come out in a way only Brian Williams can empathize with.

It turns out that the SOS for the Starjammers came directly from his ship. And the only one who could’ve sent it was O5 Cyclops. Not only that, he helped Corsair escape. So now Captain Malafect has even more reasons to be pissed. Not long ago, he was praising O5 Cyclops for his space pirating skills. He even was willing to look the other way when his daughter started flirting with him. Now he has a better reason than most protective fathers to castrate O5 Cyclops on sight.

Captain Malafect is understandably pissed. Not only did he get played by a kid, but he also got played by someone who fooled around with his daughter. That’s a two-for-one deal in a ball-busting continuum. But the reaction is a lot more pronounced with Vileena. When she hears this, she isn’t just pissed. She’s heartbroken. And as with O5 Cyclops, this added emotional weight gives much more power to the story.

This has been one of the biggest strengths of this series to date. It keeps finding ways to give emotional impact to the events. It’s one thing to just have O5 Cyclops fly around space with his dad, shooting other pirates and flirting with cute alien girls. That sort of thing is a fun story and would make for a great special on the Travel Channel. But to give that story an impact, it needs some emotional weight and that’s exactly what this moment brings. Vileena was among the most likable characters on Malafect’s crew. Now she’s the one most hurt. That’s what makes it awesome and meaningful.

That’s not to say there’s no place for the kind of space pirate badassery that made Johnny Depp so damn rich. While O5 Cyclops is dealing with the emotional ramifications of what he’s done, he and Corsair run into a pack of alien wolves/tigers who decide their flesh looks tasty. They’re not exactly candidates for Hello Kitty merchandise, but, they do add a little action into the emotional undertone in just the right way. And once again, O5 Cyclops shows that he’s come into his own as a badass space pirate. I’m sure Corsair had to hold back tears of joy when he wasn’t avoiding a good mauling.

After warming up on a pack of blood-thirsty space predators, O5 Cyclops and Corsair are more than equipped to take out a squad of Shi’ar and hijack their ship. Corsair makes himself a bit more useful this time so it’s not at all a fair fight. It’s not like either of them feel bad about roughing up Shi’ar at this point. Given how their pirate antics has toughened them, it almost feels like cheating at this point.

Once in the ship, Corsair even reveals that they’re in the best possible position. They’re slipping away while the other half-dozen Shi’ar warships converge on Captain Malafect. The Shi’ar are still very interested in that Starcracker they stole and since they vastly outnumber Malafect’s crew, they’re going to skip the part where they pay for it. That’s just how competent Shi’ar businesses work. That means Captain Malafect and his crew are probably going to get slaughtered, captured, or some combination of the two. It works out perfectly for them. They don’t have to worry about Malafect anymore and they can focus on linking up with the rest of the Starjammers.

There’s just one big problem. O5 Cyclops knows that leaving that crew to die is a real dick move. Captain Malafect may be a total douche-bag, but his crew is all right. One of them took a bullet for him. Another was willing to let him into her panties. He may be an aspiring space pirate, but he’s not a total dick. Maybe his older self who left Madelyne Pryor would be willing to live with it, but he hasn’t become that person yet. And he’s not in a hurry to be that guy so he tells his father they’re turning back.

And remarkably, Corsair is proud of him. He doesn’t get angry or anxious. He actually supports his son in wanting to do the right thing. At a time when other fathers are sending bounty hunters after their rebellious sons (see Starlord’s recent family affairs), here’s a father who actually encourages his son to do the right thing. That really shouldn’t be such an amazing concept, but fuck if it doesn’t feel awesome. Not only that, it demonstrates that this is a Cyclops who will do the right thing even when it’s not the most strategic. Even the most ardent Cyclops-hater has to respect that. If they don’t, then they’re just being assholes.

Just as Corsair predicted, Captain Malafect’s crew is overmatched and overwhelmed by the Shi’ar. He seems to accept that their heads are about to become trophies in a Shi’ar living room. That’s when Corsair and O5 Cyclops return to help them out in the most badass way possible that doesn’t involve bikinis and flame throwers. The Shi’ar have an army of heavily armed soldiers. Corsair and O5 Cyclops have the element of surprise and a fully equipped Shi’ar ship. It’s as fair a fight as it’s going to get and it ends up being pretty lopsided.

The battle ends quickly and decidedly, which helps send a solid message to Captain Malafect. It leads to a tense moment with Corsair and the Captain. As pissed off as Malafect is for being deceived, he and his crew are alive because O5 Cyclops decided that ditching him would be a dick move. Corsair makes it a point to say that. Even though he treated him like a prisoner at first, O5 Cyclops still gave enough of a shit to save their miserable asses. It probably doesn’t make him feel any less disgusted that his daughter wanted to bone him, but it is still better than being slaughtered by the Shi’ar.

Corsair offers a simple proposal. In exchange for saving their asses, they just let him and O5 Cyclops go. Even though he and Captain Malafect have a really shitty history, they’re pretty much as even as they’re ever going to get. They can still slit each other’s throats on sight if they see each other again down the line. But for today, they just part ways and chaulk this up to a learning experience. It seems so reasonable and so logical. They both benefit in the end. How could anyone possibly disagree with that?

While Captain Malafect might be open to the idea of being reasonable, his teenage daughter is not. There’s a time to be reasonable and there’s a time to be overly pissed to a point where being reasonable just makes way too much sense. So Vileena decides to do what Taylor Swift only sings about and turns on Corsair and O5 Cyclops before her father can even make a decision. This includes going out of her way to be extra rough with O5 Cyclops, who at least tries to reason with her. Being so young, this is probably the best way for him to learn that there’s just no reasoning with a pissed off teenage girl. Be they human or alien, they’re just that vindictive.

It’s another moment where the emotional weight really gives the story strength. There are any number of 90s sitcoms where teenage girls act irrationally bitchy. This doesn’t feel so irrational. She really sincerely cared for O5 Cyclops and his deceit really hurt her. Her reaction might have been extreme, but it’s perfectly understandable. The emotional weight really sells it and she makes clear that she wants O5 Cyclops to suffer. She truly is her father’s daughter in this respect. But I still think O5 Cyclops’ penis will tell him it was worth it.

I think it’s safe to say that Madelyne Pryor now has a new BFF. This issue proved once again that in a universe of ruthless space pirates and cosmic forces, nothing can quite compare to the power of a vindictive teenage girl. It says something that Vileena ends up being the most pissed off in this issue. It feels fitting though. O5 Cyclops spent the past few issues growing closer to her, developing feelings for her and forging new connections with Captain Malafect’s crew. And unlike his older counterpart, he doesn’t opt to just ditch Vileena. He tries to go back and do the right thing. What’s his reward? She now wants to skin him alive and pleasure herself to his screams.

It’s fitting, if not poetic. O5 Cyclops finally does the exact opposite of his older counterpart and it still screws him over in the end. It’s one of those outcomes that just feels so right, like finding that perfect show on Netflix or putting on a pair of underwear right after it comes out of the dryer. This issue put O5 Cyclops in a position to either do the right thing or the smart thing. He chose the right thing this time and it was not an easy decision. This issue captured that struggle so perfectly and for once, the anti-Cyclops crowd has to find a different reason to hate him. Cyclops #10 gets a 9 out of 10. Let this be a lesson to all aspiring space pirates. Don’t be afraid to take on killer aliens and ruthless space pirates. But when it comes to the emotions of teenage girls, be afraid. Be very afraid. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #9

Let’s face it. Beautiful women are every straight man’s kryptonite. It doesn’t matter how successful, smart, or competent a man is. As soon as a cute girl with great tits and a nice ass crosses their path, they suddenly turn into the dumb jock in a John Hughes movie. And if that cute girl happens to be really exotic, then it’s all the more potent. Well that’s exactly what O5 Cyclops has to face at the moment and the cute girl in question happens to be an alien. I guess what I’m trying to say is he’s fucked. His penis is not going to let him win this battle.

But it’s a battle he’ll have to win anyways. He’s still working under the assumption/prayer that he can keep deceiving Captain Malafect. He doesn’t know that he’s Corsair’s son. He also doesn’t know that he’s basically lying to him, waiting for an opportunity to save his father and get the fuck off his ship. And he has to do this while his hormones are urging him to drag it out long enough to get a little alien poon from Vileena, who also happens to be Malafect’s daughter. The odds are against him to say the very least, but this only ensures that Cyclops #9 will combine the best of a John Hughes movie with the best of George Lucas, pre-Jar Jar.

That’s somewhat appropriate because a Star Wars movie with Jar Jar would constitute torture under no less than three provisions of the Geneva Convention. As such, torture is exactly what O5 Cyclops has to inflict on Corsair by the order of Captain Malafect. For some reason, this anti-Han Solo thinks knows something about this Black Vortex shit that the Shi’ar were trying to buy. And he wants O5 Cyclops to do the torturing. That or he volunteered. That’s not really clear. There’s not a whole lot of detail on this movie, which is somewhat jarring since this series has been so good at providing those details. It doesn’t make the situation any less serious.

But for the S&M crowd out there, go ahead and put away the lube. O5 Cyclops isn’t actually torturing Corsair. Like a marriage with Elton John, he’s faking it and doing a damn good job of it. The Kristen Stewarts of the world should take notice. He’s just yelling and screaming, pretending that O5 Cyclops is tormenting him in a way that Captain Malafect can jerk off to, so much so that some of the crew even ask him to keep it down. I imagine they treat torture on the Desolation the same way my neighbor treats Metallica music. It’s one of those things that shouldn’t be funny because it deals with torture, but I still find myself smiling without the aid of a bong hit. It helps that O5 Cyclops and Corsair have a laugh too, although I’m just assuming there’s a bong hidden somewhere.

When they’re not faking torture, they’re still trying to find ways to be productive. They can’t just keep stalling and hope Captain Malafect will get bored with them. That means O5 Cyclops takes the time to give his father the medicine that’s keeping him alive. He even helps him build carve out a few tools that might come in handy, using tortured screams as a cover for the noise. It’s not quite as effective as me playing Pixar movies at a high volume while watching porn, but it works.

This also gives O5 Cyclops a chance to tell his dad about the little incident on the Shi’ar ship. While I’m sure they both enjoyed reminiscing about beating up the Shi’ar, O5 Cyclops does drop in a few details about Vileena, the hot alien girl that wants to make alien babies with him. Being a guy who has a hot alien girlfriend, Corsair can certainly sympathize. However, he doesn’t exactly give his son a lecture about the alien version of the birds and the bees. He’s just assuming their parts fit. All he does is warn him that these aliens aren’t his friends so he shouldn’t get too cozy with them, even if one of them is a hot alien chick. It’s at this point I think that O Cyclops’ penis is really starting to ache.

It doesn’t help that the rest of the Desolation is starting to treat him like someone they’re not quite as eager to throw into the nearest black hole. In some ways it’s his own damn fault. He helped the Desolation find the starcracker that the Shi’ar are trying to sell and few things endear someone to others more than making a metric fuckton of money for them. Just ask Jerry Jones.

But it’s Vileena who makes it even harder. She’s probably the only one not fantasizing about all the hot alien hookers they’re going to buy with the money from the starcracker. She’s more focused on quenching her new thirst for his spit. This puts O5 Cyclops in a difficult position and his penis is definitely making it worse. Vileena makes clear that she is offering him a guest key to her panties. It’s the kind of offer that most teenage boys go to absurd lengths to get, often losing dignity and limbs in the process. But that’s part of what makes it such an enjoyable moment.

As cute as Vileena is, however, O5 Cyclops has not forgotten about his fondness for redheaded telepaths. At one point, he actually manages to tear himself away from this hot alien girl to let her know that he has a kind-of sort-of girlfriend in Jean Grey, even if it’s only based on the crazy shit he knows is going to happen in the future. That’s still way more will-power than 95 percent of the teenager boys in his position would ever show. But Vileena doesn’t seem to care. She just knows that O5 Jean is a long ways away and she’s not. She’s simple like that, which I’m sure only makes O5 Cyclops’ penis even more conflicted.

Perhaps it’s for the best that Sysk, a green alien that’s a cross between a bug and lobster, drops in on them and kills the mood and any boners that might be lingering. I’m sure O5 Cyclops’ asshole clenched with the power of a billion Juggernauts because he doesn’t know how protective Captain Malafect is of his daughter’s honor. For all he know, he’s facing imminent castration.

Thankfully for his anatomy, Captain Malafect calls O5 Cyclops to the deck because he wants him to lead a mission. This naturally pisses off Sysk, but Sysk is just ugly. O5 Cyclops and shoot lasers out of his eyes. The nature of the mission isn’t actually explained, but it involves him heading down to a planet that looks like something a meth head in withdraw would dream up. What makes it important is that O5 Cyclops gets to lead this mission with Kratyr, a yellow and less-douchy version of Rockslide.

And Kratyr is among those who actually likes O5 Cyclops and treats him like a friend, which only makes the mission more difficult because it involves meeting up with the buyers who wanted the starcracker in the first place. He’s not a total douche like Sysk. He’s not a cute alien girl like Vileena. He’s just a guy who likes what O5 Cyclops has accomplished. That makes the lies and deception a little harder to stomach. If the buyers don’t immediately turn on them and shoot, O5 Cyclops still has plenty to worry about.

O5 Cyclops is in a dangerous enough position, which makes it the perfect moment to further complicate the situation. Sysk, still pissed off at O5 Cyclops, decides to pay a visit to Corsair. I’m guessing he needs someone to torture. That’s how he relaxes. I’m assuming the ship is low on alcohol. He’s skeptical that O5 Cyclops has been torturing sufficiently and wants to prove that he’s not the crewmate he claims to be. Basically, this walking Ridley Scott prop is asking to get his ass kicked.

Corsair gladly obliges, using some of the tools that O5 Cyclops helped him make to beat the living shit out of this creature. He’s not one of the more likable crewmates on the Desolation so it’s a pretty satisfying moment. But since Corsair just can’t resist flexing his nuts when he’s on a roll, he just blurts out that O5 Cyclops is his son as though nothing bad could possibly come of it. He may have not only put him in a great deal of danger, but he essentially cock-blocked him with Vileena. That doesn’t necessarily make him a bad father. It just means he’s making it harder for his son to get laid.

While Corsair makes his escape, O5 Cyclops and Kratyr catch up with the buyer. The only problem is someone beat them to the punch. The Shi’ar, who made the starcracker in the first place, decided they didn’t like others buying their shit and killed the buyers ahead of time. Now they want their weapon back and they’re not going to pay retail for it. I’m sure that’s disappointing to those in the Desolation looking to purchase their own private planet full of alien hookers, but it gives them another chance to beat up some Shi’ar. That’s not a terrible consolation prize.

O5 Cyclops and Kratyr are able to take them out. These Shi’ar aren’t exactly Gladiator on a cocaine binge, but Kratyr still ends up getting hurt at one point. He also points out that there’s a damn good chance that there are more on this planet looking for that starcracker. A weapon capable of wiping out a solar system is going to attract a lot of attention, no matter who is trying to sell it. He ends up being painfully right. So it looks like nobody is getting rich off this deal. This means O5 Cyclops has to get back to the ship and tell Captain Malafect they’ll need to do more plundering if they want this deal to turn a profit.

However, along the way he just happens to run into his father. It’s a big disorganized on how it happens and a bit too convenient, but it does prevent O5 Cyclops from going back into a ship where everyone probably knows by now that he’s been lying to them. So maybe it’s for the better. Corsair has spent enough time pretending to be a prisoner. There’s no way he’s going to get any cute alien girls to hook up with him while pretending he’s being tortured. He won’t attract any women outside a German bondage club. He’s eager to the fuck away from the Desolation and he’s okay with using the Shi’ar as a distraction.

This puts O5 Cyclops in his most difficult position to date. He wants to save his father, but he did kind of endear himself to some of his new friends on the Desolation. Sure, a few tried to kill him, but there were a few who were a bit nicer. There’s also the matter of that cute alien girl who wanted to introduce him to her alien mating rituals. I’m sure his teenage mind was looking forward to that and his penis is urging him to go back. But it’s too late now. Corsair tells him to start running and not look back.

It makes for a powerful moment where O5 Cyclops has to leave knowing he betrayed these people. Most people wouldn’t feel too bad about turning their backs on a crew of cut-throat pirates, but the past few issues have done a great job of giving these cut-throats depth and personality. That makes it much harder for O5 Cyclops to just throw it away and that’s what gives the story just the right impact. It’s tough for O5 Cyclops, but it’s definitely a lot tougher for his penis.

This issue accomplished a lot of things, but by far its best accomplishment was pouring gasoline on the fires of the emotional conflicts that have been building for the past few issues. O5 Cyclops has gone to great lengths to maintain his ruse with Captain Malafect, but he may have done too good a job. He didn’t just soak the panties of the captain’s daughter. He actually made friends on this ship of cut-throats. He actually enjoyed being a badass space pirate. How does someone who gets a taste of what it’s like to be Jack Sparrow in space not get a little drunk? Like someone who thinks they can handle a whole bottle of Tequila, it’s a bad assumption and one that puts O5 Cyclops in a very difficult situation. At the same time, it’s what makes the story so compelling.

O5 Cyclops wants to save his dad and escape. However, a part of him doesn’t want to ditch the new friends he’s made. Sure, they’re still a bunch of cut-throat pirates who would gladly slit the throats of orphans for a big payday. But they’re still his friends. Between this conflict, the cute alien girl, and the promise of O5 Cyclops beating up more Shi’ar, this issue had pretty much everything. The pacing was a little off at times, but it’s still the same book that’s going to leave Cyclops-haters conflicted as hell. I give Cyclops #9 an 8 out of 10. Now O5 Cyclops has to make a decision. He can escape with his father or continue his pursuit of alien pussy. I don’t envy the decision he has to make. But since he’s a teenage boy, expect either his penis or his brain to be very disappointed at some point. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #8

Men of all ages are often guilty of letting their penises draw them to a woman they shouldn't be drawn to. Teenage boys in particular are especially vulnerable to the overwhelming influence of their penises because they're still learning how to manage them and few realize early on when the brain should have veto power. O5 Cyclops is in a situation where he'll have to learn to mitigate the influence of his penis because in addition to being a secret crewmate on a ship of cut-throat space pirates, he's got a boner for the ruthless captain's pretty alien daughter. Now I don't blame O5 Cyclops in the slightest. Hot alien girls are at the top of any Star Trek or Star Wars fan's ultimate fantasies, usually just a few rungs below women in chain bikinis. But he's in more danger than most teenage boys in Cyclops #8 because he has to keep his penis in check while he seeks a way to help his captured father. And it remains to be seen if he can overcome his hormones and the lure of sweet alien poon.

So far, O5 Cyclops has shown some promise in his competence beyond controlling the whims of his penis. He's had to fend for himself on a ship called the Desolation, which is run by the kinds of pirates that would make Jack Sparrow shit himself. Surviving and being in close quarters to a cute alien girl has been hard enough, but O5 Cyclops showed he can multi-task. He was able to help out the rest of the Starjammers, who were thrown out into deep space aboard a capsule with no life support and no hope of rescue. He sent out a distress signal in the hopes that someone would find them. They're all in bad shape and they have only O5 Cyclops to rely on. Usually when all hope rests in the hands of a teenage boy who is barely old enough to shave his balls, it's not a good sign.

That's not to say that the aid O5 Cyclops gives them is perfect. The Starjammers are rescued. The distress signal he sent out did actually work...sort of. By that I mean he wasn't all that specific in terms of who should rescue the Starjammers. He didn't specify that other hostile space pirates need not apply. It would've been much nicer if the Starjammers were rescued by a race of teddy bears, but that would've been asking for too much of a teenage boy. So they end up getting captured again. It's still an upgrade from drifting hopelessly in space waiting for the air to run out, but not by much.

It continues the tradition this book has been following, giving O5 Cyclops a chance to show the competence that will one day lead the X-men and earn him a spot in Jean Grey's panties. But it's still a work in progress. He's able to help the Starjammers, just not as well as he probably wished he could. And the mere fact that this part of the story isn't glossed over or forgotten helps make everything feel more cohesive, showing that O5 Cyclops is now the one in the driver's seat. Sure, he just got his learner's permit and anyone in the passenger seat should be terrified out of their minds, but it's progress that's rare in any comic, let alone a solo series.

O5 Cyclops has no choice but to continue progressing as he's now tasked with storming what he thinks is a medical ship full of sick aliens. The captain's orders are clear. They're to plunder everything of value on this ship and kill anyone that gets in their way, be it a Stormtrooper or a sick alien baby carrying a squirt gun. This certainly doesn't sit well with him. O5 Cyclops is not like his older self in that he's not yet so eager to cross certain lines. And this would've made a hell of a conflict for him to address. However, he doesn't end up having to.

It turns out this ship isn't full of doctors and sick aliens looking for care. It's actually a hostile Shi'ar transport vessel disguised as an medical ship, sneaking through shipping lanes and full of hardened Shi'ar warriors. This makes the conflict a little less difficult for O5 Cyclops. Not long ago, he got a nasty introduction to the Shi'ar. They abducted O5 Jean Grey, they revealed that they killed O5 Jean's entire family, and they even revealed they murdered his mother. Needless to say, he's not quite as conflicted about shooting them.

While it makes for great action, it is somewhat disappointing that he doesn't have to face this conflict surrounding the lines he has to cross. This is exactly the kind of stuff that he's been trying to avoid since learning that his older self grew up to be quite the douche-bag. It's a conflict that has been explored throughout this series, but it falls to the wayside here. That said, it still makes for some awesome space pirate action.

While O5 Cyclops is exercising his inner Han Solo, Captain Malafect is just as shocked and not nearly as relieved. Being an experienced space pirate, he knows that something about a hostile Shi'ar ship disguised as a medical ship just don't seem right. It would be like seeing an old man at a One Direction concert. Something just isn't right here. He suspects they're hiding something of much greater value than sick aliens. Being the competent pirate he is, he orders his crew to find it and maim any Shi'ar along the way. This is one order that O5 Cyclops is more than happy to comply with.

O5 Cyclops eventually catches up with his crewmate, Zeeble. An issue ago, Zeeble gave him the kind of welcome that's typical on an episode of Oz, minus the sodomy. He's basically the mean, slutty cheerleader type in a slasher movie. He's the one with the target on his back. He still ends up doing something more useful beyond showing his tits and banging the lifeguard. He beats up a Shi'ar until he reveals where the precious cargo is. He also reveals that they had hoped to trade it for something called the Black Vortex, which makes it all the more valuable.

Now for those who don't follow comics on their Twitter feed or insist on getting all their comic book news from the guy at the comic book store who still thinks Smallville is on the air, this is a telling hint at the next cosmic event that O5 Cyclops is going to be part of. Marvel apparently liked teaming up the Guardians of the Galaxy with a bunch of teenage X-men so much that they're going to do it again through an event called The Black Vortex. It's already been hinted at in the Guardians of the Galaxy comics. Now we've got our first hint in the X-men comics. It's that kind of convergence that shows that synergy and crossovers don't just have to involve Wolverine teaming up with Captain America. There are other ideas that don't involve stories ripped from a Call of Duty game.

But it just isn't enough to find this precious cargo and valuable intel for Zeeble. Apparently, he didn't appreciate the way O5 Cyclops upstaged him when he tried to give him his Oz-style initiation. So rather than play by the rules and wait for another chance to get him back, he just flat out turns on him at what's probably the worst possible moment. They're on the brink of a big score. They're already surrounded by hostile Shi'ar. This would be like trying to have therapy during a cocaine binge in Cancun. It's a dumb move, but one that's not entirely unexpected from Zeeble.

It shows that teenagers aren't the only ones who can make dumb mistakes. Zeeble's attempt to take on O5 Cyclops after he's had a chance to warm up against a bunch of hostile Shi'ar proves to be a shitty move. O5 Cyclops, once again showing signs of the awesome X-men leader he'll become, shows off his ability to use his optic blasts to hit Zeeble and immobilize him. This allows another one of O5 Cyclops' crew mates, Kratyr, to finish him off. Apparently, Zeeble didn't make a lot of friends on the Desolation. He helped prove a valuable lesson to O5 Cyclops. It's important to be liked because acting like Zeeble means that friends and associates will take the first chance they get to kill assholes like that.

The death of Zeeble caps off as successful a mission as O5 Cyclops could've hoped for as a member of the crew of hostile space pirates. He got to rough up the Shi'ar and plunder what they believe to be a very valuable bit of loot. They even got rid of Zeeble, an asshole crewmate that nobody is going to miss. They couldn't have been more successful without finding a crate of space whiskey and space hookers. But O5 Cyclops being the overachiever he is, he finds a way to get a little more out of it.

During the raid, he managed to save Vileena a couple of times. She's the cute alien girl who caught his attention in the previous issue. She doesn't have red hair, fake tits, or telepathy, but she's cute and exotic. For a teenage boy, that more than exceeds the very low threshold it takes to get him interested. But Vileena adds to it even more by revealing she knows that he went out of his way to help her. She also notes that she notices how he goes out of his way to avoid killing people. On a ship with all sorts of harden killers, I guess that turns her on.

O5 Cyclops' reward for turning her on is a nice juicy kiss. Somewhere out there, Captain Kirk is smiling and giving O5 Cyclops a thumbs up. It's another step in the progression of O5 Cyclops from awkward teenage mutant to a competent space pirate capable of raiding a ship and attracting hot alien ass. They grow so fast. I'm sure Corsair would shed tears of joy if he saw this moment.

The problem is that Corsair is still a prisoner. O5 Cyclops is doing his best to keep up his ruse and help his father. Now he has to add a hot alien girl to the mix, which is sure to complicate his efforts. It's still worth it though and I think Corsair himself would understand. O5 Cyclops conveniently leaves that part out when he visits his father. In doing so, he learns that the loot they took is called a Starcracker. It sounds like a reality show for washed up celebrities, but it's actually a miniature death star in that it can destroy an entire star system. It's pretty fucking dangerous in the hands of the Shi'ar. It's even more dangerous in the hands of a bunch of space pirates. It also gives them a sense of just how valuable this Black Vortex is. If it's worth a planet-killing machine from George Lucas' worst nightmare, then it's worth being worried about.

It's a not a good sign for any of them. It gets even worse when Captain Malafect shows up and sees O5 Cyclops talking to Corsair. Thankfully, Corsair doesn't revert to Ben Stiller level awkwardness and manages to talk his way around it. He claims he's asking Corsair for information on the Black Vortex, which is perfectly believable. It shows that as awkward and goofy as he can be, O5 Cyclops is still competent and tactful. It's a skill he's going to need if he's to survive being the leader of the X-men and being married to Jean Grey. The problem is that Captain Malafect thinks it's a good idea. So rather than try the good cop/bad cop routine, he's going to go straight to CIA style tactics to get the information from Corsair. At this point, adults and teenage boys alike are perfectly within their right to start worrying.

I'm always weary of comic books that go on these long winning streaks of awesome. All too often, I've seen a comic be so good for a certain stretch only to take a nose-dive into the shitter. Just look at Avengers vs. X-men or the entire Ultimate line for proof of that. I thought Cyclops' solo series would eventually level out. But somehow, it's found a way to keep being awesome on a truly cosmic level. This issue continued that tradition. It told a solid, cohesive story that captured the right emotions. It even dropped a few hints about some upcoming events with The Black Vortex. That's quite a feat for a solo series about a character that some people go out of their way to hate.

At this point, I don't see how anybody who isn't a complete sociopath can hate O5 Cyclops after this issue. He bested an asshole who tried to kill him, kept up the ruse he needed to keep him and his father alive, saved the Starjammers, and even earned himself a nice kiss from a cute alien girl. I think Captain Kirk himself would give O5 Cyclops his seal of approval for his actions in Cyclops #8. That's why I give it a 9 out of 10. O5 Cyclops is playing a dangerous game, acting as a spy while getting cute with the captain's daughter. But if James Bond has taught us anything, it's that the risks are worth it when survival and alien pussy are the prize. Nuff said!