Thursday, January 15, 2015

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #9


Let’s face it. Beautiful women are every straight man’s kryptonite. It doesn’t matter how successful, smart, or competent a man is. As soon as a cute girl with great tits and a nice ass crosses their path, they suddenly turn into the dumb jock in a John Hughes movie. And if that cute girl happens to be really exotic, then it’s all the more potent. Well that’s exactly what O5 Cyclops has to face at the moment and the cute girl in question happens to be an alien. I guess what I’m trying to say is he’s fucked. His penis is not going to let him win this battle.

But it’s a battle he’ll have to win anyways. He’s still working under the assumption/prayer that he can keep deceiving Captain Malafect. He doesn’t know that he’s Corsair’s son. He also doesn’t know that he’s basically lying to him, waiting for an opportunity to save his father and get the fuck off his ship. And he has to do this while his hormones are urging him to drag it out long enough to get a little alien poon from Vileena, who also happens to be Malafect’s daughter. The odds are against him to say the very least, but this only ensures that Cyclops #9 will combine the best of a John Hughes movie with the best of George Lucas, pre-Jar Jar.

That’s somewhat appropriate because a Star Wars movie with Jar Jar would constitute torture under no less than three provisions of the Geneva Convention. As such, torture is exactly what O5 Cyclops has to inflict on Corsair by the order of Captain Malafect. For some reason, this anti-Han Solo thinks knows something about this Black Vortex shit that the Shi’ar were trying to buy. And he wants O5 Cyclops to do the torturing. That or he volunteered. That’s not really clear. There’s not a whole lot of detail on this movie, which is somewhat jarring since this series has been so good at providing those details. It doesn’t make the situation any less serious.

But for the S&M crowd out there, go ahead and put away the lube. O5 Cyclops isn’t actually torturing Corsair. Like a marriage with Elton John, he’s faking it and doing a damn good job of it. The Kristen Stewarts of the world should take notice. He’s just yelling and screaming, pretending that O5 Cyclops is tormenting him in a way that Captain Malafect can jerk off to, so much so that some of the crew even ask him to keep it down. I imagine they treat torture on the Desolation the same way my neighbor treats Metallica music. It’s one of those things that shouldn’t be funny because it deals with torture, but I still find myself smiling without the aid of a bong hit. It helps that O5 Cyclops and Corsair have a laugh too, although I’m just assuming there’s a bong hidden somewhere.


When they’re not faking torture, they’re still trying to find ways to be productive. They can’t just keep stalling and hope Captain Malafect will get bored with them. That means O5 Cyclops takes the time to give his father the medicine that’s keeping him alive. He even helps him build carve out a few tools that might come in handy, using tortured screams as a cover for the noise. It’s not quite as effective as me playing Pixar movies at a high volume while watching porn, but it works.

This also gives O5 Cyclops a chance to tell his dad about the little incident on the Shi’ar ship. While I’m sure they both enjoyed reminiscing about beating up the Shi’ar, O5 Cyclops does drop in a few details about Vileena, the hot alien girl that wants to make alien babies with him. Being a guy who has a hot alien girlfriend, Corsair can certainly sympathize. However, he doesn’t exactly give his son a lecture about the alien version of the birds and the bees. He’s just assuming their parts fit. All he does is warn him that these aliens aren’t his friends so he shouldn’t get too cozy with them, even if one of them is a hot alien chick. It’s at this point I think that O Cyclops’ penis is really starting to ache.


It doesn’t help that the rest of the Desolation is starting to treat him like someone they’re not quite as eager to throw into the nearest black hole. In some ways it’s his own damn fault. He helped the Desolation find the starcracker that the Shi’ar are trying to sell and few things endear someone to others more than making a metric fuckton of money for them. Just ask Jerry Jones.

But it’s Vileena who makes it even harder. She’s probably the only one not fantasizing about all the hot alien hookers they’re going to buy with the money from the starcracker. She’s more focused on quenching her new thirst for his spit. This puts O5 Cyclops in a difficult position and his penis is definitely making it worse. Vileena makes clear that she is offering him a guest key to her panties. It’s the kind of offer that most teenage boys go to absurd lengths to get, often losing dignity and limbs in the process. But that’s part of what makes it such an enjoyable moment.

As cute as Vileena is, however, O5 Cyclops has not forgotten about his fondness for redheaded telepaths. At one point, he actually manages to tear himself away from this hot alien girl to let her know that he has a kind-of sort-of girlfriend in Jean Grey, even if it’s only based on the crazy shit he knows is going to happen in the future. That’s still way more will-power than 95 percent of the teenager boys in his position would ever show. But Vileena doesn’t seem to care. She just knows that O5 Jean is a long ways away and she’s not. She’s simple like that, which I’m sure only makes O5 Cyclops’ penis even more conflicted.


Perhaps it’s for the best that Sysk, a green alien that’s a cross between a bug and lobster, drops in on them and kills the mood and any boners that might be lingering. I’m sure O5 Cyclops’ asshole clenched with the power of a billion Juggernauts because he doesn’t know how protective Captain Malafect is of his daughter’s honor. For all he know, he’s facing imminent castration.

Thankfully for his anatomy, Captain Malafect calls O5 Cyclops to the deck because he wants him to lead a mission. This naturally pisses off Sysk, but Sysk is just ugly. O5 Cyclops and shoot lasers out of his eyes. The nature of the mission isn’t actually explained, but it involves him heading down to a planet that looks like something a meth head in withdraw would dream up. What makes it important is that O5 Cyclops gets to lead this mission with Kratyr, a yellow and less-douchy version of Rockslide.

And Kratyr is among those who actually likes O5 Cyclops and treats him like a friend, which only makes the mission more difficult because it involves meeting up with the buyers who wanted the starcracker in the first place. He’s not a total douche like Sysk. He’s not a cute alien girl like Vileena. He’s just a guy who likes what O5 Cyclops has accomplished. That makes the lies and deception a little harder to stomach. If the buyers don’t immediately turn on them and shoot, O5 Cyclops still has plenty to worry about.


O5 Cyclops is in a dangerous enough position, which makes it the perfect moment to further complicate the situation. Sysk, still pissed off at O5 Cyclops, decides to pay a visit to Corsair. I’m guessing he needs someone to torture. That’s how he relaxes. I’m assuming the ship is low on alcohol. He’s skeptical that O5 Cyclops has been torturing sufficiently and wants to prove that he’s not the crewmate he claims to be. Basically, this walking Ridley Scott prop is asking to get his ass kicked.

Corsair gladly obliges, using some of the tools that O5 Cyclops helped him make to beat the living shit out of this creature. He’s not one of the more likable crewmates on the Desolation so it’s a pretty satisfying moment. But since Corsair just can’t resist flexing his nuts when he’s on a roll, he just blurts out that O5 Cyclops is his son as though nothing bad could possibly come of it. He may have not only put him in a great deal of danger, but he essentially cock-blocked him with Vileena. That doesn’t necessarily make him a bad father. It just means he’s making it harder for his son to get laid.


While Corsair makes his escape, O5 Cyclops and Kratyr catch up with the buyer. The only problem is someone beat them to the punch. The Shi’ar, who made the starcracker in the first place, decided they didn’t like others buying their shit and killed the buyers ahead of time. Now they want their weapon back and they’re not going to pay retail for it. I’m sure that’s disappointing to those in the Desolation looking to purchase their own private planet full of alien hookers, but it gives them another chance to beat up some Shi’ar. That’s not a terrible consolation prize.


O5 Cyclops and Kratyr are able to take them out. These Shi’ar aren’t exactly Gladiator on a cocaine binge, but Kratyr still ends up getting hurt at one point. He also points out that there’s a damn good chance that there are more on this planet looking for that starcracker. A weapon capable of wiping out a solar system is going to attract a lot of attention, no matter who is trying to sell it. He ends up being painfully right. So it looks like nobody is getting rich off this deal. This means O5 Cyclops has to get back to the ship and tell Captain Malafect they’ll need to do more plundering if they want this deal to turn a profit.


However, along the way he just happens to run into his father. It’s a big disorganized on how it happens and a bit too convenient, but it does prevent O5 Cyclops from going back into a ship where everyone probably knows by now that he’s been lying to them. So maybe it’s for the better. Corsair has spent enough time pretending to be a prisoner. There’s no way he’s going to get any cute alien girls to hook up with him while pretending he’s being tortured. He won’t attract any women outside a German bondage club. He’s eager to the fuck away from the Desolation and he’s okay with using the Shi’ar as a distraction.


This puts O5 Cyclops in his most difficult position to date. He wants to save his father, but he did kind of endear himself to some of his new friends on the Desolation. Sure, a few tried to kill him, but there were a few who were a bit nicer. There’s also the matter of that cute alien girl who wanted to introduce him to her alien mating rituals. I’m sure his teenage mind was looking forward to that and his penis is urging him to go back. But it’s too late now. Corsair tells him to start running and not look back.

It makes for a powerful moment where O5 Cyclops has to leave knowing he betrayed these people. Most people wouldn’t feel too bad about turning their backs on a crew of cut-throat pirates, but the past few issues have done a great job of giving these cut-throats depth and personality. That makes it much harder for O5 Cyclops to just throw it away and that’s what gives the story just the right impact. It’s tough for O5 Cyclops, but it’s definitely a lot tougher for his penis.


This issue accomplished a lot of things, but by far its best accomplishment was pouring gasoline on the fires of the emotional conflicts that have been building for the past few issues. O5 Cyclops has gone to great lengths to maintain his ruse with Captain Malafect, but he may have done too good a job. He didn’t just soak the panties of the captain’s daughter. He actually made friends on this ship of cut-throats. He actually enjoyed being a badass space pirate. How does someone who gets a taste of what it’s like to be Jack Sparrow in space not get a little drunk? Like someone who thinks they can handle a whole bottle of Tequila, it’s a bad assumption and one that puts O5 Cyclops in a very difficult situation. At the same time, it’s what makes the story so compelling.

O5 Cyclops wants to save his dad and escape. However, a part of him doesn’t want to ditch the new friends he’s made. Sure, they’re still a bunch of cut-throat pirates who would gladly slit the throats of orphans for a big payday. But they’re still his friends. Between this conflict, the cute alien girl, and the promise of O5 Cyclops beating up more Shi’ar, this issue had pretty much everything. The pacing was a little off at times, but it’s still the same book that’s going to leave Cyclops-haters conflicted as hell. I give Cyclops #9 an 8 out of 10. Now O5 Cyclops has to make a decision. He can escape with his father or continue his pursuit of alien pussy. I don’t envy the decision he has to make. But since he’s a teenage boy, expect either his penis or his brain to be very disappointed at some point. Nuff said!

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