They called it the announcement to end all announcements. I guess this means Marvel will be delivering all it's messages via smoke signals or encrypted code. Surely, they wouldn't abuse the concept of hyperbole this much when they make big announcements every other week it seems. But then again, maybe I'm being too insincere in addition to being too high. There's a reason the Don Kings of the world were successful. They abused certain words in a way that appeals to the dipshit part of our brains that we can't turn off. In that sense, I can't get too mad here because if it works, it's not a dick move. It's just good marketing.
Whatever it's called, Marvel announced it today. Secret Wars is now on track to be Marvel's biggest event since the creation of Emma Frost's boobs. It promises to bring many different worlds together into one arena. It's like every Superbowl winning team and a few playoff caliber teams being plucked from time, placed in one stadium, and turned against one another in a battle to the death. And if 616 Marvel is the 1985 Chicago Bears, then Ultimate Marvel is the 2007 Detroit Lions. Yet for some reason, Marvel has announced that both these universes are about to be turned inside out, upside down, and whatever other position that only Russian gymnasts can achieve so they can be merged into one world.
That's right. That's the announcement. Is it going to soak anybody's panties? No. Is it going to crush anybody's soul? Probably not, except for those who already sold it to get their own reality show. I know some might be expecting me to go on a rant how Marvel has raised the bar in terms of dick moves. I'm certainly drunk enough to go on such a rant. It's not like AXIS and Avengers vs. X-men didn't get me going. But this time, I really don't have anything to rant about. I really don't think this is a dick move. I think this is actually a good thing. Not only that, I think it's more overdue than the release of Half-Life 3.
|Although THIS is a dick move in the highest degree.|
I've said it more than once on this blog. Marvel's Ultimate universe has gone from being Marvel's crown jewel to being a malignant tumor at the base of its scrotum. It has become less relevant than Paulie Shore and David Hasselhoff combined. Between killing characters, fucking other characters up, and showing the kind of negligence that would make FEMA look competent, Ultimate is a steaming shit stain.
But there may still be a few gems in it that could be salvaged. That's why this merger is happening. In fact, it's a merge that should've happened back after Cataclysm. Instead, Ultimate opted to try another shitty re-launch that ended after 12 issues. It's the equivalent of a dead corpse evacuated its bowels because it really was that bad. But as recent crossovers in All-New X-men have shown, it is still possible to extract something of value from it. Nobody is turning shit into gold here. But when it comes to recycling garbage, Marvel is practically a hippie.
I'm not saying that it'll work, but I think it's better than rebooting and starting from scratch at this point. Marvel doesn't need to do that. They haven't reached the level of obscurity and stagnation that DC had when it decided to reboot. I'm willing to give them a few more years to prove they can avoid fucking it up. By combining Ultimate and 616, they can start fresh without having to throw out the shit so many of us cling to like a security blanket or the last bottle of whiskey. History doesn't have to be rewritten. It just has to be tweaked. Sure, Marvel is still using duct tape for some parts of that history. But as someone who made his first car last way longer than it should have thanks to duct tape, I'm perfectly fine with this. Nuff said!