SECRET WARS Announcement: Don't Call It A Reboot

They called it the announcement to end all announcements. I guess this means Marvel will be delivering all it's messages via smoke signals or encrypted code. Surely, they wouldn't abuse the concept of hyperbole this much when they make big announcements every other week it seems. But then again, maybe I'm being too insincere in addition to being too high. There's a reason the Don Kings of the world were successful. They abused certain words in a way that appeals to the dipshit part of our brains that we can't turn off. In that sense, I can't get too mad here because if it works, it's not a dick move. It's just good marketing.

Whatever it's called, Marvel announced it today. Secret Wars is now on track to be Marvel's biggest event since the creation of Emma Frost's boobs. It promises to bring many different worlds together into one arena. It's like every Superbowl winning team and a few playoff caliber teams being plucked from time, placed in one stadium, and turned against one another in a battle to the death. And if 616 Marvel is the 1985 Chicago Bears, then Ultimate Marvel is the 2007 Detroit Lions. Yet for some reason, Marvel has announced that both these universes are about to be turned inside out, upside down, and whatever other position that only Russian gymnasts can achieve so they can be merged into one world.

Marvel Universe and Ultimate Universe Set To Combine In Secret Wars

That's right. That's the announcement. Is it going to soak anybody's panties? No. Is it going to crush anybody's soul? Probably not, except for those who already sold it to get their own reality show. I know some might be expecting me to go on a rant how Marvel has raised the bar in terms of dick moves. I'm certainly drunk enough to go on such a rant. It's not like AXIS and Avengers vs. X-men didn't get me going. But this time, I really don't have anything to rant about. I really don't think this is a dick move. I think this is actually a good thing. Not only that, I think it's more overdue than the release of Half-Life 3.

Although THIS is a dick move in the highest degree.

I've said it more than once on this blog. Marvel's Ultimate universe has gone from being Marvel's crown jewel to being a malignant tumor at the base of its scrotum. It has become less relevant than Paulie Shore and David Hasselhoff combined. Between killing characters, fucking other characters up, and showing the kind of negligence that would make FEMA look competent, Ultimate is a steaming shit stain.

But there may still be a few gems in it that could be salvaged. That's why this merger is happening. In fact, it's a merge that should've happened back after Cataclysm. Instead, Ultimate opted to try another shitty re-launch that ended after 12 issues. It's the equivalent of a dead corpse evacuated its bowels because it really was that bad. But as recent crossovers in All-New X-men have shown, it is still possible to extract something of value from it. Nobody is turning shit into gold here. But when it comes to recycling garbage, Marvel is practically a hippie.

I'm not saying that it'll work, but I think it's better than rebooting and starting from scratch at this point. Marvel doesn't need to do that. They haven't reached the level of obscurity and stagnation that DC had when it decided to reboot. I'm willing to give them a few more years to prove they can avoid fucking it up. By combining Ultimate and 616, they can start fresh without having to throw out the shit so many of us cling to like a security blanket or the last bottle of whiskey. History doesn't have to be rewritten. It just has to be tweaked. Sure, Marvel is still using duct tape for some parts of that history. But as someone who made his first car last way longer than it should have thanks to duct tape, I'm perfectly fine with this. Nuff said!

WonderCon 2012: Rants and Remarks

The internet has given us so many wonderful things. Youtube, Twitter, Facebook, and internet porn have revolutionized the world of information, communication, entertainment, and masturbation for every possible generation. Among the less glamorous benefits that don't require a constant supply of lube is liveblogging. It used to be that whenever there was an event you couldn't attend, like a comic convention, you either had to wait until reports came out days later or take a few hits of acid so you can at least fantasize you were there (minus the pink elephants of course). Liveblogging has been a great way to keep up with comic cons that I'm either too busy or two drunk to attend. This past weekend, Wondercon hit the fine state of California. It is without a doubt the third most attractive event behind pot dispensaries and Disneyland.

The timing for Wondercon comes at a vital time for Marvel. In a mere two weeks, Avengers vs. X-men kicks off in what Marvel promises to be the biggest event since the invention of chicken wings and Monday Night Football. They been releasing so many teasers lately that it almost fits the Geneva Conventions definition of torture. But as someone who has already been tortured by ex-girlfriends, law enforcement, and angry Twilight fans I'm more than willing to endure. We already know the basis of Avengers vs. X-men. The Phoenix is on it's way to take a massive, flaming shit on the world and Hope Summers is the key to either stopping it or egging it on. The Avengers and the X-men must then battle over her fate and hope they don't fuck each other up too much before their world gets burnt to a cinder like Charlie Sheen's TV career.

Both Newsarama and Marvel's official website ran a liveblog of a panel for Avengers vs. X-men. The information presented was fairly basic and added only slightly onto what we already knew. For one, Jeph Loeb stated that the end of X-Sanction (the final issue of which is coming out later this week), will lead directly into Avengers vs. X-men #0. Also, Marvel Editor Tom Brevoort made it a point to dispel any rumor that Marvel was going to follow DC's lead and reboot their line.

Tom Brevoort: There's no reboot coming. There's not going to be a reset. The Marvel Universe isn't broken.

I imagine Brevoort was pounding his fist on the table when he said this and I think it's a point worth reinforcing. The reboot has been working fine for DC, but they did it because like a guy at a strip club after his wife leaves him they fucking had to. Marvel didn't. In fact, Avengers vs. X-men makes that a pretty lousy theme because according to Brevoort, the seeds of this story were sewn way back in 2006 with House of M when Wanda Maximoff decided to pull a mini-Flashpoint of sorts and de-power nearly every mutant on the planet. So what if it takes six years to bring the story full circle? Like a lap dance from Megan Fox, some shit just shouldn't be rushed.

And in accord with pretty much every major comic book convention where Marvel has a presence, someone did ask a Jean Grey question. Since I did one of my Sunday rants on her and I'm still working under the assumption that Marvel will look for ANY excuse not to bring Jean Grey back even though she's the one most associated with the Phoenix Force, I'm compelled to bring it up. At the Newsarama liveblog, a fan asked if Jean Grey was going to be involved. Mark Waid (writer of the upcoming Infinite Comics) told the fan to check out the second issue of Infinite Comics. I'm not sure what to make of that. It may be code for "We're going to completely ignore the shit set up in the past and recton the hell out of Jean Grey and the Phoenix so we have even more excuses never to bring her back." Until I hear otherwise, I'm working under that assumption.

That brings up another important announcement from Wondercon. Earlier this month, Marvel announced a new digital initiative called Infinite Comics that will start with Avengers vs. X-men. It's basically Marvel's way of adding some extra elements to their digital comics aside from just running them through a scanner and charging the same fucking price for them, even though digital pirates have been doing that shit since Bush's first term in office. It's part of what they call Marvel ReEvolution. And I say it's a good thing in my drunken opinion. Considering the fact that Marvel only recently began offering day-and-date digital for all their titles and DC only started seven months ago, it's usually the case that comic companies have been glacial at embracing digital means. I get the sense that they think digital shit is just an excuse for fans to get drunk and rant about comics online. Well, they're partially right, but let's face it. Paper is going the way of the typewriter. This is the era of Ipads, Kindles, and Nooks. Not everybody wants to go out of their way to pay four bucks for 20 pages of ink that may only collect dust in their book cases. We are a very superficial species in that we like shit that's pretty and flashy. Something like Marvel Infinite Comics could be just what the unliscended doctor from Cambodia ordered!

While Avengers vs. X-men was the big draw for Marvel, it did have some other important announcements. For one, Captain Marvel is returning. However, it's not in the way fans were thinking. You see, Captain Marvel isn't technically coming back from the dead. Carol Danvers, aka Miss Marvel, is taking that mantle. That's right, a pretty blonde is taking on a title once held by a man. So all those feminazis who whine about women in comics constantly have to throw the penis-bearing population of the world a bone here. Because Miss Marvel not only looks more badass in her new uniform. She looks like something little girls can dress up as and not come off as porn stars.

Another major announcement involved the return of a fan-favorite X-men series, Xtreme X-men. While the title itself implies that it's the over-exposed energy drink of the X-books, it was actually a damn good series back in the day and by back in the day I mean 2001 to 2004. It was another brilliant run by Chris Claremont, who simply is never satisfied being the most prolific X-men writer of all time. However, Chris Claremont isn't coming out of retirement again a la Brett Favre to write this series again. This time, it's Greg Pak who is running the show. And unlike the original Xtreme X-men series, this one will follow the alternate universe characters that Pak set up in his lone Astonishing X-men arc that I found myself giving a favorable review. That means the alternate universe Emma Frost, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler will be back! It also will bring Dazzler back into a more prominent role with the X-books, which is somewhat fitting since she's been pretty much an afterthought since X-men Regenesis. Pak is calling this series a successor to the Exile series of sorts, which is not a bad thing. That series made itself awesome by traversing many different alternate worlds in a way that didn't fuck up the regular continuity too much. Since Pak has shown that he can do a damn good job on an X-men book, hopefully Xtreme X-men will keep him on board for more than one arc.

There were a shit ton of other announcements at Wondercon 2012, but I'm not sober enough to go over every one of them. However, after getting sufficiently wasted and following the liveblogs, I think it's safe to call this event a success. It's like the calm before the storm or that anticipation you get when you slip a hooker a hundred bucks and she agrees to come up to your hotel room for a drink. For Marvel and X-men fans like me everywhere, Wondercon 2012 is Marvel's last major gathering before they charge head first into Avengers vs. X-men. If you're not ready, then have fun falling on your ass because the rest of us are charging ahead! See you next year, Wondercon! Now we're off to see the X-men and Avengers beat the shit out of each other! Nuff said.

CBR X-POSITION: X-Editors - My Questions Asked and (Mostly) Answered

I've always suspected that the big wigs at Marvel get way too many kicks out of the power they have over legions of fanboys like myself. At some point I'm sure they stop and think "Gee, I can legally profit off the awesome of these characters and mold them in my own vision. Damn, that's cool!" There are times when they use that power responsibly. There are times when they abuse it with the ferocity of hungry lion in a pack of wounded zebras. But lately, they've been doing a lot of shit right so for that I raise my glass and drink to their contributions. Keeping in mind, of course, that I drink to damn near anything.

Whenever the editors (you know, the ones with the REAL authority at Marvel), come out from their secret underground base built that's probably nestled somewhere in the Alps it's a big deal. Especially when a huge event like Avengers vs. X-men is on the horizon. Pretty much everyone at Marvel won't shut up about it and why would they? They're pitting the Avengers against the X-men while the freakin' Phoenix Force is on it's way to cook them like a pound of bacon in an Epic Mealtime video. It's led to all sorts of speculation and what not. So for this week's X-POSITION column, the X-Editors took time to further tempt us X-men fans into parting with our money and part of our souls.

CBR X-POSITION: X-men Editors

As any responsible drunk, I took some time between hangovers and binges to write a few questions for the find folk putting together this epic event. Not all of them were asked, but the fine folk at CBR were nice enough to ask the important ones. This is what they said.

MarvelMaster616 is next, and he begins our descent into the world of queries surrounding "Avengers vs. X-Men."


1) I've really been enjoying Jeph Loeb's work on "Avengers: X-Sanction." Can you talk about how the events of this story will fit into what happens in "Avengers vs. X-Men" and the books preceding it?


2) It's already been established that the Phoenix Force will be a big part of "Avengers vs. X-Men." However, there's been no mention whatsoever of Jean Grey. If I recall, Jean Grey supposedly merged fully with the Phoenix Force during the events of "Phoenix -- Endsong," yet she's been utterly divorced from the Phoenix Force as it has interacted with Hope, the Cuckoos, and Rachel Grey. When did the Phoenix Force become completely separate from Jean Grey?


3) In one of the covers to "Avengers vs. X-Men," Wolverine looks torn between fighting alongside the Avengers and the X-Men. What can we expect from him as the conflict unfolds?


Old chum, MarvelMaster616! Have you lost weight? You look terrific! Anyway, let's answer your queries!


1) "Avengers: X-Sanction" will have no effect on the books preceding AvX (as it's one of them and isn't finished yet), but it will have big effects on AvX itself. That will become way more clear when you've seen issues #3 and #4.


2) You are correct that there has been no mention of Jean Grey leading up to AvX. Read into that however you would like. Can't say much more than that, I'm afraid.


3) That's another question I can't say too much about without spoiling things. But the gravitational pull between the A and X will weigh heavily on Wolverine. You'll see this in AvX #1, "Wolverine and the X-Men" #9 and "New Avengers" #24.

I'm not sure if it's a good sign that the X-crew recognize my drunken ramblings or not. I'm also not even sure if Nick Lowe was just screwing with me. It may be a little of both since I doubt he reads this blog. But he's always been among the more eccentric members of the Marvel crew so I take some of his words with a grain of salt. But at least he made an effort.

The first question about X-Sanction was poorly worded on my part. I probably shouldn't have used the words 'preceeding.' I meant to ask whether X-Sanction would effect any other books besides Avengers vs. X-men. But whether he intended to or not, he may have already answered it in stating that it would affect the event itself. If I can take that at face value (and I'm never sure with Nick Lowe), that means that the outcome of X-Sanction probably won't be felt in other X-books until Avengers vs. X-men kicks in. So I got my answer there.

I didn't expect him to spoil the ongoing conflict between Wolverine's hatred of Cyclops, his membership to the Avengers, and which side he takes. But I always appreciate it when someone actually gives me issues to look forward to so that I at least know when I get my answer. It's better than Tom Brevoort just saying "wait and see" on his Formspring account. That shit just gets old after a while. So I appreciate that.

Where things get fuzzy though is with the Jean Grey question. And honestly, is that surprising? Everyone at Marvel has been allergic to Jean Grey lately. That's understandable when there isn't a rip-off character that looks just like her in Hope Summers running around and when the Phoenix Force isn't on it's way to broil the Earth. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Despite being dead for nearly a decade, Jean Grey still comes up in pretty much every major interview about the future of X-men. Yet Marvel is trying much harder than usual to avoid addressing her on every level. Some may see that as a sign that she's going to play a part in this event. I interpret more as an "if we ignore it long enough then maybe it'll go away." It doesn't work with cockroaches so I don't see why it would work with Jean Grey. This begs the question as to why Jean hasn't been mentioned. Forget for a moment that Hope Summers looks just like her, adopted her dress sense, and was raised by what is technically her biological son. When the fucking Phoenix Force is involved, Jean Grey is usually not far behind. Even in shitty stories like Phoenix Warsong, she's at least mentioned at times. None of that shit has happened with Avengers vs. X-men. This may or may not be Jean's triumphant and overdue return. Or it may be the event the finally separates her fully from the Phoenix Force and entrenches Hope as her replacement. I'm personally inclined to believe the latter given Marvel's utter revulsion to bring Jean back while bringing characters like Sabretooth back. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not getting my hopes up for Jean's return. There have just been too many false teases for it to have any real meaning.

I'm still excited about Avengers vs. X-men. I feel it's going to be the biggest event since the invention of whiskey. But if you're a Jean Grey fan and are banking on this to be her big comeback, I would caution you to tie your ass to a tree and hold on because when that rug gets pulled out from under you it'll be a hell of a fall. Other than that, this has all the necessary potential to be the biggest event in a decade. The onus is on Marvel to blow our minds and I've got the paper towels and windex ready. Nuff said!