SECRET WARS Announcement: Don't Call It A Reboot

They called it the announcement to end all announcements. I guess this means Marvel will be delivering all it's messages via smoke signals or encrypted code. Surely, they wouldn't abuse the concept of hyperbole this much when they make big announcements every other week it seems. But then again, maybe I'm being too insincere in addition to being too high. There's a reason the Don Kings of the world were successful. They abused certain words in a way that appeals to the dipshit part of our brains that we can't turn off. In that sense, I can't get too mad here because if it works, it's not a dick move. It's just good marketing.

Whatever it's called, Marvel announced it today. Secret Wars is now on track to be Marvel's biggest event since the creation of Emma Frost's boobs. It promises to bring many different worlds together into one arena. It's like every Superbowl winning team and a few playoff caliber teams being plucked from time, placed in one stadium, and turned against one another in a battle to the death. And if 616 Marvel is the 1985 Chicago Bears, then Ultimate Marvel is the 2007 Detroit Lions. Yet for some reason, Marvel has announced that both these universes are about to be turned inside out, upside down, and whatever other position that only Russian gymnasts can achieve so they can be merged into one world.

Marvel Universe and Ultimate Universe Set To Combine In Secret Wars

That's right. That's the announcement. Is it going to soak anybody's panties? No. Is it going to crush anybody's soul? Probably not, except for those who already sold it to get their own reality show. I know some might be expecting me to go on a rant how Marvel has raised the bar in terms of dick moves. I'm certainly drunk enough to go on such a rant. It's not like AXIS and Avengers vs. X-men didn't get me going. But this time, I really don't have anything to rant about. I really don't think this is a dick move. I think this is actually a good thing. Not only that, I think it's more overdue than the release of Half-Life 3.

Although THIS is a dick move in the highest degree.

I've said it more than once on this blog. Marvel's Ultimate universe has gone from being Marvel's crown jewel to being a malignant tumor at the base of its scrotum. It has become less relevant than Paulie Shore and David Hasselhoff combined. Between killing characters, fucking other characters up, and showing the kind of negligence that would make FEMA look competent, Ultimate is a steaming shit stain.

But there may still be a few gems in it that could be salvaged. That's why this merger is happening. In fact, it's a merge that should've happened back after Cataclysm. Instead, Ultimate opted to try another shitty re-launch that ended after 12 issues. It's the equivalent of a dead corpse evacuated its bowels because it really was that bad. But as recent crossovers in All-New X-men have shown, it is still possible to extract something of value from it. Nobody is turning shit into gold here. But when it comes to recycling garbage, Marvel is practically a hippie.

I'm not saying that it'll work, but I think it's better than rebooting and starting from scratch at this point. Marvel doesn't need to do that. They haven't reached the level of obscurity and stagnation that DC had when it decided to reboot. I'm willing to give them a few more years to prove they can avoid fucking it up. By combining Ultimate and 616, they can start fresh without having to throw out the shit so many of us cling to like a security blanket or the last bottle of whiskey. History doesn't have to be rewritten. It just has to be tweaked. Sure, Marvel is still using duct tape for some parts of that history. But as someone who made his first car last way longer than it should have thanks to duct tape, I'm perfectly fine with this. Nuff said!

Marvel's New #1 Teaser - What Could It Be?!

I'll accuse Marvel of a lot of crazy shit, but I'll never accuse their marketing and PR people as being lazy. It seems we can't go more than a few weeks without them teasing something that will tear the Marvel universe several new assholes. I've done posts on teasers before and usually they're just vague enough to get you scratching your head. But every now and then they do one that is so perplexing that if it were an anime it would induce lethal seizures. This is one of them and it is only summed up as a big ass #1.

Marvel Promises "HUGE Story" With "Marvel" #1 Teaser

So what the hell could it be? First off, let's state clearly what it is and that's another excuse for Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic book. I've already pointed this out many times before and fans continue to roll their eyes for some reason whenever it's vindicated multiple times. Books with #1 on them sell and until they stop selling, Marvel and DC will continue to churn out books with this magical number that allows them to get more money without having to do any additional work. Speaking on behalf of stoners everywhere, I can say without hestiation that there is inherent worth to such tactics. The folks at Marvel need stripper and booze money too.

But beyond what we know, what the fuck could this #1 entail? It listed a wide range of Marvel characters, some major and some minor and some pissant little redhead that should be dead by now. Is this a new series or some new event spinning right out of Age of Ultron? It's hard to tell, but fuck if I'm not intrigued. I'm sure that's exactly how Marvel planned it. A big ass #1 is all it takes for us brainless consumers to get interested. I want to be ashamed, but I'm too intrigued to give a shit. Nuff said!

Beast Update: Marvel Confirms Cat-Beast is Gone for Good!

I know I've belabored this point more than Glenn Beck belabors Nazi comparisons, but I feel the need to throw in one last detail to Beast's new look, as was revealed in All New X-men #5. It's not enough that he finally has ditched the piss poor cat-Beast look that set Thundercats cos-playing back a decade. It only counts if it lasts. Well in CBR's weekly Axel-In-Charge column, Marvel Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso gave us confirmation that they're not going to One More Day this shit!

Axel In Charge: The Marvel U's "Cosmic" 2013

Let me ask you about something Brian did this past week with Stuart Immonen -- redesign the of Beast in "All-New X-Men." This has got to be one of the top message board and convention topics I've seen over the past ten years: do you love or hate cat-Beast. How did you guys decide to finally change that up?

Alonso: It come as no surprise to us that this has become a hotly debated topic amongst fans -- because it was hotly debated amongst us!

[X-Men Group Editor] Nick Lowe absorbed a lot of body punches for his strident defense of "Cat Beast" at two editorial summits! [Laughs] Ultimately, Beast's redesign made sense in the context of Brian's story, so we did it.

And can we assume that this is status quo for a while going forward? Even if people complain as much as they did about the cat design?

Alonso: Yeah, it's status quo.

So there you have it! Cat Beast is gone! Rest in Pieces Cat Beast! We never liked you. Nuff said!

X-men #36 - Half A Case of Awesome

How many times can you bullshit someone before they start smelling the stench? This is a question that has plagued 95 percent of businessmen and 100 perent of politicians since the dawn of time. In my own personal experience, some people are more prone to sniffing it out than others. That's why some guys will actually take you seriously when you claim the expired sugar you laid out for them is a fresh line of Columbian imported blow and why some girls will actually look intrigued when you claim to be Robert Pattinson's acting coach. Those gullible people may make for good customers and brain-dead bimbos at a club, but they make lousy leaders. If your job requires you to earn trust, you had best not be a dip-shit or an asshole with your own agenda because sooner or later the non-gullible people in your crew are going to sniff you out and look for ways to nip you in the ass.

This is the position Storm finds herself in with Brian Wood's adjectiveless X-men. Since Wood began his run, Storm has been flexing her leadership muscle in the same way Keith Richards tests his tolerance to morphine. She's been leading a team of X-men at the behest of Cyclops to act as a security team of sorts. They're like the X-men's version of the CIA minus the illegal torture, off-site prisons, and cover ups if alien rectal probing. However, like the CIA, they tend to secretly give the finger to their leader behind his back. Storm spent the entire first arc avoiding her teammates' pleas to get Cyclops involved as the plot with the proto-mutants started to get heavy. She told them to suck her taint in the nicest possible way and for the most part, the team listened to her albeit begrdugingly. Then in the previous arc, some were a bit less inclined to keep kissing her ass.

Brian Wood followed his initial proto-mutant arc with a solid story about a crazy cult run by a Jesus look-a-like who saw Dawn of the Dead six times too many. The security team's mission to infiltrate the cult and extract the samples of proto-mutant DNA was a success, but for some of the members going behind Cyclops's back got old. They're pertty much all just following Storm's agenda at this point and that shit only lasts so long before it starts to smell. Now as the proto-mutant arc continues to unfold, Storm has to deal with her own teammates looking to screw her over. And now that she's a single woman again, they don't have to be as poilte about it.

X-men #36 has Brian Wood's adjectiveless team working with one of Storm's lady friends again. This one is Sabra, who was mentioned in the previous issue. She's from Mossad, which is like the Israeli version of the CIA except they're actually good at their jobs. Storm must have won many pillow fights back with her in the sorority house because she managed to convince Sabra to help apprehend a rather mundane looking guy from an airport. Hell, this guy is so mundane he could practically walk into Congress and no one would bat an eye. Seeing as how they've recently dealt with glowing eyed Jesus look-a-likes and proto-mutant monsters, this qualifies as an upgrade.

Once Sabra has Mr. Boring and Bland in custody, she presumably endures a cavity search by the TSA before bringing him to Storm and her security team. They seem intent on extracting information from this man, but not in a way that gives Dick Cheney a boner. In fact, they talk to this guy almost with the same tone that I talk to my therapist and/or parole officer. It's all remarkably casual. Storm informs the man that they know he's a proto-mutant. His official name is Mr. Sheppard and for some reason he's never popped up on the radar for mutants. Yet they know he's 700-years-old. How a guy can live that long and not be subject to a witch-burning or an embarrassing youtube video shot with a camera phone seems pretty outrageous. They also bring up the name David Michael Gray, who was the mentally unbalanced asshole who first introduced Storm's team to proto-mutants. Yet still, the conversation is remarkably casual. The man is about as collected as Mitt Romney and just as boring.

Since they probably put him on the TSA's shit-list for the foreseeable future, the X-men offer to fly Mr. Sheppard to Chicago where he was planning on going, presumably to meet up with his overlords at Acorn to receive orders from Comrade Obama (or so says Rush Limbaugh). He remains painfully boring, so much so that Pixie brings it up to Domino. Being the curious teenager who hasn't yet been corrupted by Justin Bieber, she starts to speculate on who he is and what his powers might be. To this point all the proto-mutants they've faced have been as pleasant to be around as hungry wolf on LSD. So she's understandably curious. Domino encourages her to talk to him because since when has nothing bad ever come from a cute teenage girl talking to a mysterious old man? I'm pretty sure that's a porno genre in Japan.

And like Japan, shit gets weird pretty quickly when Pixie starts talking to the guy. The man calls himself Gabriel Sheppard and he claims to have a pretty fancy array of powers for a guy that dresses like a Mormon. He's strong. He can fly. It's pretty standard for someone who has a mutation that doesn't suck. But while he seems like a nice, boring guy on the surface, he reveals that he's pretty curious about the name David Michael Gray. And when hesitates to tell him, he turns from Norman Rockwell to Chris Brown. He also reveals his powers are more exotic than indicated because he gives Pixie a bad case of glowing pink-eye and does something that ensure Colossus and Psylocke sleep through this crazy shit like every guy dating a Twilight fan slept through the Twilight movies.

It's a pretty dramatic shift from a guy that seemed so boring. Granted, it's expected that boring shit tends not to last long in an X-men comics, but the subtle way in which Brian Wood built it up helped give it an extra impact. It's like pouring hot sauce on bacon. It gives something that's already awesome an extra kick.

But not all the talking in this comic has been completely bland. As I mentioned earlier, Storm has put herself in a dangerous position with her team and the X-men as a whole by undermining Cyclops. You just don't undermine a guy who's boning Emma Frost and not suffer consequences. During another Skype conversation, Cyclops reveals that he bugged her plane and has been tracking her. It sounds like a paranoid thing to do until you recall the many reasons Storm gave him in the first proto-mutant arc. Storm claims she's withholding information for the sake of the mission, but that's like telling your parole officer that you were just holding that bag of weed for a friend. That shit just doesn't fly.

Cyclops also reveals that he knows the old sorority girls Storm has been working with. He tells her he actually found one snooping around. Yet Storm still has the audacity to urge him to trust her. But Cyclops says outright that he can only take being given the cold shoulder for so long. Unlike Emma Frost, Storm doesn't have the recent history or the big tits to earn her that kind of trust. It's a nice culmination of the ongoing tension between them and it shows that Wood can make general chit chat interesting as well. That only ensures he'll never get a job at Fox News.

Unfortunately, the conversation with Cyclops is cut short when the commotion from Sheppard's hissy fit starts rocking he plane. Storm joins the others just in time to see this normal-looking guy exhibit a similar brand of crazy eyes as the Jesus wannabe in the last arc. He seems to know now that David Michael Gray took a big steaming shit on the graves of his fellow proto-mutants and he's not too happy about it. And when Colossus tries to restrain him, he shows that he was being overly modest when he described his powers to Pixie. That strength he mentioned is apparently potent enough to allow him to throw Colossus (who is still armed with Juggernaut power mind you) out the side of the fucking plane. He also jumps right out with him, presumably because there are no flight attendants to yell at. Storm and Pixie go after him while Domino and Psylocke stay behind to land the plane. But the mere fact they have to only shows that this guy went from 0 to fucked up in record time, even for a comic.

There's a fine line in storytelling that has been a lot harder to walk in this day and age where peoples' attention spans are only as long as their latest tweet. Brian Wood seems to be making a greater effort than anyone at Marvel to walk that line. He fell flat on his ass a few times in the beginning, but recent issues have him working with much better balance. I admit the initial concept of the proto-mutant story seemed about as interesting as an economics lecture. However, Brian Wood has made it seem almost as engaging as a peep show in Amsterdam. The encounter with Gabriel Sheppard might have been as bland as buying a pack of cigarettes from a gas station, minus having to work around an accent. But in the end, the man definitely had a few surprises that made the issue feel more exciting than it probably deserves credit for.

Wood almost fell off that fine line at first. The abduction and interrogation of Gabriel Sheppard was more uneventful than a church sermon delivered by Ben Stein. There was no struggle. Hell, we don't even know if anyone's flight was delayed more than usual when Sabra abducted the guy. There was a lot of talking and not much else. It wasn't even the very interesting talking. It's not a debate with Dr. House and Neil Patrick Harris. It reminded me somewhat of my last DUI, except I didn't throw up on a state troopers boots. There's no way around it. The first half of this comic was pretty freakin' dull and you would have passed out without the aid of powerful amphetamines had Wood not picked up the pace in the end.

The end is what saved this book. The discussion with Cyclops and Storm showed just how big the rift between them has grown. And Gabriel Sheppard's ability to throw Colossus out of a plane in mid-air was just shocking enough to remind you of the time your ex girlfriend poured a pack of dry ice down your pants. The man went from dull to a Quentin Tarantino character in a very short span and like Marcelas Wallace, you just can't leave that sort of shit unfinished. Overall, the issue is only half-awesome. However, that awesome half is awesome enough to tip the balance in the same way the state of Florida rigs elections. Therefore, I give X-men #36 a 3 out of 5. Hopefully, in the next issue Wood will stop walking that fine line. He should know by now that Alfred Hitchcock is dead Michael Bay is filthily fucking rich for a reason. He would be wise to follow his example, minus the killer robots. Nuff said!

CBR: Axel-In-Charge - My Question Asked!

Like most fanboys with too much free time and a drinking problem, I often like to throw random questions at Marvel, DC, and pretty much anyone who will listen and not assume I'm as psychotic as I sound. Most of the time, they don't get answered. To be fair, most of the time they involve questions about Emma Frost's boob size, Jean Grey's butt, Psylocke's legs, and Cyclops's penis (it's not gay if it's the same penis that parties in Emma Frost). But every so often, I will ask a serious question. And every so often, the fine folks at Marvel and sites like Comic Book Resources are generous enough to answer. While I may give them plenty of shit on this blog, they're still the kind of guys and gals I would gladly buy a round of beer and a few lines of blow.

Usually, not a lot of questions get asked in Axel Alonso's weekly Axel-In-Charge column. So when I ask a question, the odds of it getting asked are about the same as not getting kicked in the balls after pretending to be a door-to-door gynecologist at a sorority house. My question was a simple pry for more info on the upcoming Wolverine MAX line. I was going to ask if there was a chance that they would depict Wolverine's penis, but I decided to keep it tame. That and the weed wore off.

CBR: Axel-In-Charge


For fan questions this week, I thought we'd take things in a completely different direction by zeroing in on a corner of the Marvel U near and dear to you: the MAX line. First up MarvelMaster616 stopped by to ask, "First off, I want to say I'm a big fan of the MAX series and I'm glad that Wolverine is finally getting the MAX treatment. Can you tell us how long this series will run? What else can we expect from the MAX series in the future?"

Alonso: "Wolverine MAX" is a 5-issue limited series written by crime novelist Jason Starr and illustrated by Roland Boschi and Connor Willumsen, with covers by the incomparable Jock. I'm super-excited about this series and can't wait for you guys to read it.

He didn't reveal too much and I shouldn't expect him to. I'm sure if they did have plans for the MAX line and all the exposed nipples they offer, they wouldn't reveal it to a drunk with a blog. But just acknowledging my existence goes a long ways. In a world where the front page is dominated by stories of stuff that comes out of Snookie's vagina, that's the best we can hope for. Nuff said!

Marvel Universe Reboot: Should They or Shouldn't They?

I try not to get too caught up in business aspect of comics. It's not just that I find the business aspect of any entertainment enterprise to be more boring than watching piles of shit dry out in the sun. When you've nuked as many brain cells as I have over the years, you just don't have enough energy to think about the rich men in fancy suits sitting in conference rooms contemplating how to squeeze as much money out of its customers as possible. Now don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against business. This is America, damn it! Heartless, soulless capitalism that mercilessly sucks on the teat of the almighty dollar is part of freedom and it gets consumers like us some pretty awesome shit. But for the past year and even a bit before that, the business practices of the comic book world have garnered greater attention among fans and for once it's not because it involves a lawsuit against Rupert Murdoch. It involves what I call the "Great Reboot Debate."

Comic fans, even the stoners, all remember what went down in September of 2011. DC Comics, sick of lagging behind Marvel's market share and all the "Superboy Prime continuity punch" jokes, decided to shake up the massively messy etch-a-sketch that was the DC Universe and reboot everything. In terms of marketing ploys, this is akin to remodeling an entire neighborhood using napalm. It sent some fans into a state of chronic conniption fits while others let out a sigh of relief because they didn't have to hack a NASA satellite to effectively track the convoluted conglomerate of continuity that was DC comics. Was it a gimmick? Fuck yes, it was a gimmick. But it fucking worked. The sales of DC Comics in September 2011 didn't just dominate, they dominated the top ten sales spots for months. Suddenly, those "Superboy Prime" jokes turned into "Aquaman is outselling Uncanny X-men and Avengers. Your argument is invalid."

King of Atlantis. Dating a hot redhead. Founding member of the Justice League. Suck it, Wolverine!

There's no question that DC's reboot worked. While Marvel may have regained their market share lead, it's much more neck-and-neck now. The gap between the two companies is razor thin and DC's push for the future rather than trying to forcibly make shit fit into the past has set a new precedent for the comic industry. Lapsed DC fans no longer have to ask "Do I REALLY need to get all 700+ issues of Action Comics to know what the fuck is going on?" They can just find the new number ones and go from there. No more wondering how all this shit from the 60s and 70s fits into the picture. No more endless bitching about how Crisis and Infinite Crisis only left the DC Universe more constipated with complications. It worked so well that now some are starting to question whether Marvel should do the same and reboot their own 40+ line of continuity that has seen multiple deaths and resurrections, multiple alternate universe crossovers, and even a marriage or two getting sold to the devil. Hell, some would be okay with a Marvel 616 reboot if it completely erased the clone saga, but it's more complicated than that.

The prospects of a Marvel 616 continuity reboot is not just the kind of speculation fans throw around like whether or not She-Hulk gets a bikini wax or what kind of shit the Thing spews when he's got the runs. It's a whole fucking thread on the CBR message boards. Even though Marvel's top brass and future governor of Atlantis, Axel Alonso, has said outright that Marvel is not rebooting, that hasn't stopped some from arguing the merits of a Marvel 616 reboot.

Is it not worth it to get people to shut up about the Clone Saga?

But how seriously should Marvel even consider such a notion? Well, this is one instance where no matter how much liquor you put in me, I don't come off too strongly on either side. I know that may seem shocking to those who have seen me dedicate entire posts to explaining why Hope Summers sucks elephant balls or why Miles Morales is the least interesting idea since Mitt Romney's last campaign speech, but it's true. I'm really on the fences with this and while I'm content to see both factions pop an artery arguing about it while I slam back a bottle of vodka, I do see merit in both sides.

First off, let's start with Marvel's current position. They say the Marvel 616 universe isn't broken and doesn't need to be fixing. In this, I think they're right for the most part. The 616 universe has been pretty damn strong lately thanks to events that don't suck like the Messiah Trilogy, Captain America Reborn, Planet Hulk, and Spider Island. They dominate the market without having to streamline their continuity, proving that it doesn't matter how fucked up a timeline is so long as it has a steady stream of events that soaks the panties of the fanbase.

It hasn't been perfect. Fear Itself and Secret Invasion still left fans more unsatisfied than Ricky Martin's last girlfriend. However, the world that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby birthed from the cosmic womb of awesome remains compelling. The ongoing events of Avengers vs. X-men and the sales it has generated prove that. So when guys like Axel Alonso and Tom Brevoort thumb their noses at fans who want a reboot, they have good reason for doing so. Although when they thumb their noses at fans who want Jean Grey to come back, that's still a dick move.

Every dick move needs a scapegoat. But does it always have to have such a nice rack?

But even if the 616 universe isn't broke now, history has shown that it can turn to shit pretty damn quickly. Some of you may have smoked more weed than I have so you don't remember how boring and bland 616 was in the early 2000s. We had shit like the Chuck Austin run of Uncanny X-men and Decimation for Avengers that made the 616 universe look like it had basketball sized tumor on the underside of its balls. Hell, during this time Marvel actually contemplated making the pre-fucked up Ultimate universe the new continuity because at the time it was actually outselling 616 by a wide margin. Granted, Ultimate eventually tanked in a way that made the Battlefield Earth movie look like the fucking Godfather, but the mere fact that Marvel contemplated this shit shows that they're were willing to fuck up their timeline before DC ever did.

In the end, however, they didn't have to. It only really turned around once Civil War got things going again, but a lot of the shit generated in that story ended up coming full circle. Iron Man redeemed himself (by forgetting what a douche he had been no less), Captain America came back to life, and Thor came back. Now this is a problem whether Marvel wants to admit it or not. I get the desire to keep the Marvel universe a certain way so that fans that see the cartoons and movies can jump right in, but really does make the stories seem more gimmicky than they already are. It's like there's a asterisks at the bottom of all these events that say "This story will be retconned to death in a few years so don't start shitting through your nose over what you see."

It's enough to make me wonder how much emotional energy fans should invest in Avengers vs. X-men. As always, Marvel promises that the results of this event will rock the Marvel universe in the same way Emma Frost rocks a bed on Namor's birthday. That may be true in the short term, but what about the long term? How long until the X-men and Avengers are slamming back beers and watching Monday Night Football again? How long until the Phoenix Force is back to being that shitty cosmic turkey that Marvel uses when it wants to put beautiful women in cosmic uniforms or men into uniforms that blatantly rip-off Nightwing? It may be a long time, but it may still come full circle. Like Civil War, it could get people interested in the comics again, but only end up becoming trivialized in the long run.

When all else fails, just have heroes beat each other up and watch fans give you money.

This leads me to believe that reboot could not only work, but it could actually make the Marvel Universe less of a running joke on how continuity is basically a synonym for "fuck the details and just keep rebranding and relaunching." Imagine an event where every Marvel book had to start from scratch. For once, Marvel wouldn't need to act like a Russian contortionist porn star to fit the details into a timeline. The Avengers, the X-men, the Fantastic Four, and all the elaborate backstories that have roots at a time when JFK was still banging Marilyn Monroe could finally be properly refined. The whole Phoenix concept could finally be streamlined to ditch all the shitty retcons. Clones like Ben Riley and Madelyne Pryor could finally be cast aside or reinvented in a way that makes them seem like something that a writer didn't pull out of their ass when they ran out of good ideas/weed. Entire new twists could be put on these classic characters. It once seemed like an outrageous notion, but DC proved that it can be done and done pretty fucking well. And if Marvel really considers themselves the House of Ideas, they have no excuse. That or everyone at Marvel has to admit to Dan Didio that he can do something that they can't. And you know the folks at DC would hold that against Marvel and probably use it as a marketing ploy. I can already see ads like "If you're a pussy, work at Marvel. If you have the balls to reboot your whole line and do it right, work for DC!" In this age of talking geckos, you can't say that shit wouldn't work.

The smile of a man whose mustache has bigger balls than all of Marvel.

But even if a reboot would open so many possibilities for Marvel and fix some of the lingering issues that have plagued 616 for decades, that doesn't mean they should to it. Marvel would still run the risk of fucking it up, alienating the fans that have dedicated years of their wasted youth following the Marvel universe. That and Marvel comics have never truly lagged when it comes to sales. For all it's flaws, 616 still has proven to be Marvel's bread and butter. Series like the Ultimate universe and 2099 may be nice toppings, but they can never be the meat of an awesome sandwich.

Now in the long run, I think Marvel is going to have to do some serious retcons to keep the continuity relevant and contemporary. And there's only so many retcons you can do before Father Time himself says "Fuck it, I'm outta here." Years down the line, Marvel may do their own reboot. For now, the creative minds at Marvel believe that what they're doing is working and the sales charts show they're not wrong. But as the Iraq war has shown, shit can go bad very quickly. One day guys like Axel Alonso and Joe Quesada might just get drunk enough to contemplate such an idea. If they do, they'll be hung over as fuck but they'll at least have an idea that has been shown to be successful. DC's New 52 has changed the nature of the comic industry and I would argue it was a necessary change. They decided to roll the dice and do something crazy without getting too drunk in the process. Marvel could definitely do the same, but should they? For the moment, I really don't know. I love 616 now and I would rather not see a reboot at a time when shit seems to be working. But at the same time, I've seen Marvel fuck things up before. If it happens again and I'm not able to cope with it despite my copious diet of illicit substances, then I may have to change my mind. Only time will tell, but for now it's an open question and one Marvel would be wise not to ignore. Nuff said!

Surgery and C2E2

I know this past weekend marked the second major comic convention in the past month. First there was Wondercon. Then just a few weeks later, C2E2 hits Chicago like one of Barack Obama's secret socialist community organizing campaigns. Under normal circumstances, I keep up with the announcements as they come in and if something is interesting or I'm just drunk enough then I'll blog about it. While there was some interesting shit that came about during the course of the three-day event, I was in no condition to blog. And for that, I'm sorry to say I won't be able to offer my usual colorful commentary on the latest news in comics.

It's through no fault of my own, I assure you. As it just so happened, this past Friday I was scheduled for surgery. Since I can't plan my fucked up health around when comic book conventions are in session, I essentially had to miss most of what was going on with C2E2 or be too fucked up to make sense of it. Now in case some of you are worrying that this is a sign that my liver is finally coming back to kick my ass, stop worrying. The surgery was to fix my nose, which has had a long history of being fucked up for reasons I would rather not discuss. The surgery went fine. It's the post-op shit that's been kicking my ass. The prescription drugs, the lack of sleep, and the overly long recovery time has left me in no mood to effectively blog to my usual drunken standards.

So for this, I apologize to all my wonderful X-men Supreme readers. I'm sorry I wasn't able to offer anything from C2E2 this past weekend. And depending on how my recovery goes, it may affect my ability to do reviews this week. I'm going to do my best to make it happen. Unless I slip into a coma, I will review Avengers vs. X-men #2 at one point. However, I may not be able to review much else. It depends on how my recovery goes.

There are still plenty of other sources for info on C2E2. They just won't be as colorful, drunk, or fucked up as me. Check out Comic Book Resources, Newsarama, or Bleeding Cool for info on all the latest announcements. I should be back to my full drunken strength within two weeks, but in the meantime if I'm unable to carry out my normal reviewing and X-men Supreme duties I will announce it. Just want to give everybody a heads up. Thanks for helping this blog kick ass guys! Until next time, wish me a happy and dazed post-op recovery! Nuff said.

SDCC X-men Panel - Hints, Teases, and More Reasons to Get Drunk

Well I've been waiting for and dreading it all week! I made sure I was good and drunk before it happened. I got naked just in case. Sometimes I get excited and it helps to be naked, especially when these comic panels are such a mixed bag. There have been years where I've come away needing a good kick in balls and a thorough shower to wipe off the stench. There have also been years where I need to inject beta blockers into the base of my spine because the awesome is just so intense that my heart would explode if I allowed it to overwhelm me. I'm never sure which it will be. This year we've had Schism, Fear Itself tie-ins, a new Uncanny writer, more Jean Grey teases, Age of X, X-23, and Children's Crusade. So the guys at Marvel that actually get paid to blow our minds have a lot to work with. CBR posted a full report and I think I can say with confidence that there is plenty of promise for the X-books.


CBR: CCI X-men Panel

Schism was the main topic and understandably so. It's a big deal when the X-men's most epic bromance crumbles like Larry King's last three marriages. It's going to change a lot of shit. Uncanny is getting relaunched alongside a new book unoriginally entitled Wolverine and the X-men. Gee, I wonder what it's about? Titles aside, we don't know who will be on which team. Team Cyclops and Team Wolverine are more divided than hoards of Twilight fans fighting over pubic hairs from Robert Pattinson. The only confirmation revealed was Emma Frost. She was on the cover of Uncanny X-men, which pretty much affirms who she sides with. But seriously, how is that shocking? Wherever Cyclops and his penis go, she goes. So any prospects of the Cyclops/Emma relationship ever being shaken up by this shit can be shot in the head and buried with the Pope's gay porno stash. But there were some other strange hints by Axel Alonso that indicated that Cyclops might not be around after Schism. Now he could just be blowing hot air, but if Cyclops is not involved in the X-books then that's a big fucking deal. The X-books have been the Cyclops and Friends show for quite some time. If Schism is really that bad, then maybe everyone's favorite psychic-loving leader may be on the out. If that's the case, it could be a shift on par with Pat Robertson wearing assless chaps to a Lady Gaga concert.

As always, there was a Jean Grey question. As always, Marvel brushes it off. And even though Nick Lowe confirmed that Hope and Jean aren't linked, Axel saw fit to be coy about it. All I can ask is why? Marvel still has a strict "No Jean Grey in 616" policy. They brought up her Age of Apocalypse version, but for some fans there can be no substitutes. It's not a matter of coke vs. pepsi. It's a matter of Rolex watch and a shitty replica.

Overall, there are some intriguing prospects to be gained from this panel. There's nothing too disgusting, but nothing that warrants breaking out a mountain of blow. It definitely heightens the potential for Schism. I'll definitely be keeping track of that series here on this blog so stay tuned for more assessments as they come in as well as more tips on how to mix booze and comics. 2011 has been a decent year so far. Before the Mayan Apocalypse sets in, Marvel has plenty more to offer! Nuff said.

CBR: Marvel T&A - My Question Answered

I know I've had my shit asked during CBR's little interviews before. I also know it's lame for a fanboy to keep getting all giddy every time his name gets mentioned or a question gets asked. But fuck it, I still get excited! Since Joe Quesada now has a new job as CCO at Marvel, his old Cup 'O Joe panels have been given over to Tom Breevort and Axel Alonso. They don't necessarily have the big bosses charm, but they're more playful and willing to entertain more questions. This past week I asked one inspired by the recent change in Wonder Woman's uniform. I swear it was like they showed her tit being exposed Janet Jackson style when they changed her uniform. I personally didn't mind it, but I understand for some how that can be like painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa. With that in mind I asked a question about the appearance of characters in the Marvel Universe. I'm not a fashion guru or anything, but I recently watched the movie Bruno and my inner metrosexual felt compelled to ask.

CBR: Marvel T&A - Tom Breevort and Axel Alanso

On to fan questions! MarvelMaster616 went to the fashion side of the Marvel U with this query: "I know there have been a number of uniform changes over the years for the Avengers, the X-men, and Spider-Man. But it feels like the uniforms haven't changed much in quite a long time. Do you think the uniforms of some Marvel heroes are overdue for a makeover? I'm sure you saw how much buzz Wonder Woman's new look got. Why not try a little fashion overhaul in the Marvel Universe?"

Brevoort: That's funny, MarvelMaster, in that I look around the Marvel Universe and see very few mainstay characters who are sporting their classic looks. Practically the only characters still in their quintessential costumes are Spider-Man (who's got some new attire coming as part of "Big Time") and the Fantastic Four (whose outfits are similarly about to change - if only to replace those 4's with 3's…) But almost everybody else - Cyclops, Wolverine, Daredevil, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America (both Bucky and Steve Rogers), Luke Cage, Iron Fist, Doctor Strange, etc, etc - is wearing something at least somewhat different these days. Unless you're looking for radically different uniforms for our mainstays, I feel like we're already there.

But what do I know? I haven't changed my look since 1982.

Alonso: Call me crazy, I'm curious to see what could be done with Ghost Rider's outfit. And as much as I love Deathlok's classic look, he's kinda like an 8-track tape in a digital world. His aesthetic is the product of the '70s imagination of the future - I'd like to see him reflect the future we imagine now. Also, I'd kind of like to see a new look for my son's second favorite character, War Machine. Our concept of what those two words - "war" and "machine" - has changed so much over the years. How might his look reflect that and how might he gain aesthetic difference from Iron Man.
Not a completely unserious response, but still decent. I understand some characters have changed more than others. But then there are those who really look the same as they did when my parents were still protoplasmic goo inside my grandparents. I'd like to see Ghost Rider get a new look. The 80s punk rock look wasn't even that badass in the 80s. Black Widow, Spider-Man, Wasp, the Fantastic Four, Spider-Woman, and a whole host of other characters haven't undergone much change. If so much buzz and hoopala can come about from Wonder Woman putting on pants, how can Marvel resist trying to do the same with their characters?

CBR: Marvel T&A - An X-Summit Salvo With My Question

It's been a while since I sent something to CBR for an X-Position or one of their other standard ask-the-writers columns. I haven't found much worth asking. Been to busy writing X-men Supreme and keeping up with the events of Second Coming. But I did feel compelled to ask a question this time for Tom Breevort and Axel Alonso, who were covering the recent developments from Marvel's annual X-men summit.

For me, the most pressing issue was Hope Summers. Second Coming dropped some ominous hints about what she's capable of while giving her Phoenix powers on top of it all. They also didn't resolve the whole Hope/Jean connection that many have speculated over. I know I've bitched about it a lot on this blog, but it's an important issue. You don't give a red-haired, green-eyed girl the Phoenix without at least some reference to Jean Grey. However, this connection hit a snag at Comic Con when editor, Nick Lowe, said "She's dead" when asked about Jean Grey coming back. This seriously confused and worried me. So when I asked my question, I decided to be as thorough as possible. That seemed to pay off because even though there were many Jean/Hope questions, mine was the most well-researched.

CBR: Marvel T&A: An X-Summit Salvo

Finally, we got more questions after the X-Summit about the connection between Jean Grey and Hope than I can even count, ranging from whether characters would note the similarities in the two to much more specific questisons. But for my money, the most thorough one came from someone called MarvelMaster616 who has some evidence to cite you guys:

"At SDCC, when Nick Lowe was asked about Jean Grey's return he said 'She's Dead.' Is this confirmation that there is no Hope/Jean Grey connection even if there is a Hope/Phoenix connection? It seems to be a change from previous responses like Matt Fraction's a year ago at Wondercon where he said 'There's a little girl with red hair and green eyes in the future that you should keep your eyes on' when asked about Jean Grey. Joe Quesada has said something similar. You yourself have dropped hints such as:

'and don't forget that girl with green eyes and red hair!'

'there's more than a faint flicker of danger. Red hair, green eyes. Say no more.'

'And don't forget: She's got red hair and green eyes!'

Even if Hope just has a connection to the Phoenix, Phoenix Endsong established that Jean and Phoenix were one in the same. I also thought that Jean was still at work as recently as the Kingbreaker story where Rachel says "Not now, Mom" when the Phoenix unexpectedly left her. The same happened to the Cuckoos in Uncanny. Plus, there was that brief appearance she had (or so it seemed) in Uncanny X-men 510 (which was an awesome issue by the way). How can she be "dead" if she still has an active hand in these events?

So what gives? What's the story about Jean Grey and why did Nick Lowe say that after so many hints were dropped connecting Hope and Jean?"

I know I probably came off as a world-class dork by doing all that research and citing all those sources, but it helped make my point and I did get an answer even if it was a generic one.

Brevoort: The problem with wanting a definitive answer on a question such as this, Master616, is that the real answer is next month's comics, and the month after that, and the month after that. We'll be perfectly up front about the fact that, in cases like this, we're teasing you with something. But asking to know the identity of the killer before you read the murder mystery isn't productive, and knowing it won't enhance your reading experience, it will only lessen it. So relax - maybe there's a connection between Hope and Jean Grey, and maybe there isn't. The fun is in finding out!

Alonso: What Tom said. Also, two things:

(1) Everyone knows that Nick Lowe is a certified knucklehead. 

(2) Remember, here at Marvel: Once dead, always dead. Right?
Wait.

So their answer is essentially another tease. They can't confirm or deny the connection and the only way we'll find out is to keep reading. They also seriously damaged Nick Lowe's credibility and reminded that when it comes to death in the Marvel universe, it is essentially an ongoing joke.

It offers some hope that the whole Hope/Jean plot won't turn out to be the farce I've dreaded. It still concerns me how Hope is given so many Jean Grey hints and they're never fleshed out. That doesn't mean they won't end up making Hope a Rachel Grey-like Jean replacement. But at least there's more reason to have confidence in this story and hope that whoever writes the end of this tale, they don't completely fuck it up.

Second Coming Q&A - Thoughts From The Adherents

Second Coming is in full swing at Marvel. It appears the writers and editors simply cannot contain their excitement as they have been giving out interviews in the way McDonalds gives out heart attacks. On the hype alone it may be just as dangerous for all fanboys with heart conditions, but nobody is complaining yet. So far nothing has been revealed to completely destroy interest in this crossover so Marvel is doing all the right things thus far.

X-men Second Coming: Q&A

On the whole there's nothing too shocking here, just an overall reinforcing of what is already known about this crossover. It's the final chapter to Messiah Complex, it will bring Hope and Cable back into the present, and it will have Bastion as the main enemy. In earlier interviews it was revealed by Matt Fraction that someone big was going to die. There weren't any further hints here, but it appears the sentiment seems to be leaning towards someone like Nightcrawler, Beast, Pixie, or potentially Angel. There were some notable quotes.

Matt Fraction: Yeah. This is the bookend to [Messiah Complex]. But it's the X-Men. Nothing is ever wrapped up in a tidy little package. But you will know who Hope is. You will know what she is capable of. You will have a sense of what she is going to be capable of. This is the end of all the questions that have been asked since [Messiah Complex]. Well...almost. [Laughs] It answers the questions, but asks new ones that propel us into the future.

Chris Yost: Bastion is a very committed villain. He's got a goal and he's never going to stop. He will never stop no matter what. He is the kind of guy who crosses his t's and dots his i's. Anything he does is going to be very extreme and very well thought out and thorough. The X-Men have no idea what's coming for them.

Mike Carey: I would see [Hope] as being ambivalent about a lot of things. She's met a number of the mutants from our time now in the events of Messiah War and she's curious about that. She's curious about the time that she's come from and she knows that it's assumed by everybody around her that she'll go back there. I think she wants to do that, but she's also afraid. The burden she carries is an enormous one and she's a bit uncertain of her ability to carry it. Particularly since there is still this question mark about what she can do.

Zeb Wells: Well, Cyclops honestly believes that Hope is the future of mutantkind, where her living makes the difference between mutantkind surviving and mutantkind dying. So, as soon as Hope shows up, any danger that she finds herself in is going to be met with a huge reaction from Cyclops. Basically, an attack on Hope would be considered an attack on mutantkind. So, he is going to throw everything he possibly can to making sure Hope is safe and that she is in a place where she can be protected.

Nick Lowe: Our big instruction when Axel Alonso came in as our group editor was to simplify the line in a lot of ways and make it that each book has a pretty distinctive identity and each one has a mission statement you can identity. That's still going to be it-maintaining these "simple mission statement books"-but on the other end of it, what we're pushing back is to the core X-Men "hated and feared" and the differences between people and what makes you special. But we've been in a really dark tunnel in a way ever since "no more mutants." It's been a really dark time with no real hope for the future. Like Cyclops, in editorial we'd like to go beyond that dread of extinction.

Axel Alonso: Everything hinges on Hope. Back in Messiah Complex, Cyclops, acting on nothing more than faith, allowed Cable to jump with this girl into the time stream with no plan other than "bring her back when she's ready and when it's safe." Since that time, he has had to live with that decision and ponder everything, from the mortality of the mutant species to choices he had to make to ensure survival. Understand that he's been operating on nothing more than faith. There's no proof that Hope means anything to mutants. And as any reader of the books knows, there's more than a faint flicker of danger. Red hair, green eyes. Say no more. Really, the overarching theme of the X-Men for the last couple of years has been faith. What do they believe in? What do they stand for? And at the center of that storm has been Cyclops. If you've been reading CABLE, you know that two heroes, Bishop and Cable, have two very different ideas of who Hope is and what she means for the mutant race. For Cable, she's salvation. For Bishop, she's destruction. Maybe both are true. That's what Cyclops has to ponder and what readers have to ponder when we bring her back. By the end of Second Coming, readers will fully understand who Hope is and what she means for mutants.

So what can we draw from this? First off, it looks as though they'll finally revisit the early scenes in Messiah Complex where Hope was born. There has been a lot of mystery surrounding the birth, but there haven't been any answers. As for Hope herself, it seems they're playing up the overall uncertainty in her character. She is being billed as either a savior or destroyer (sound familiar?). Who and what she is appears to be more complex than just some Deus Ex Machina that's going to undo M-Day. Also, the red hair and green eyes comment once again finds is way with Alonso, which again hints at Jean Grey. However, there has been next to no mention of her. But considering the Phoenix hints, the appearance, and having a destructive/creative nature it's pretty damn hard to ignore. All indications are that Hope is going to be yet another Jean-lite, one who looks and acts like Jean Grey but isn't Jean Grey. Like Rachel Summers without the alternate universe mess. This once again feels like Marvel trying to have their cake and eat it too, wanting to bring Jean's star power back without disrupting their precious new version of Cyclops and Emma Frost. It would be a great story if it wasn't so damn blatant. If Hope looked nothing like Jean Grey, this would not be an issue. There are any number of ways they could have drawn her, but they gave her a look that was just like Jean. Could the subtext be any clearer?

In addition it appears that the end of Second Coming will mark yet another transition period for the X-men. The team may once again get reshuffled like they did after Messiah Complex and House of M. And for once it may actually end without so much doom and gloom, which seems to be a major theme of every crossover since 2000. It seems all events either have to end with a funeral or a massive demoralizing. It's as if the only way the stories can be interesting is if they are downers. Like people want to read a book that makes them depressed? If Second Coming ends in a way that doesn't require a fresh prescription of Prozac, I'll be content. You have a character in this story named Hope. Shouldn't it at least be hopeful?

March 31st is set to be the beginning. The aftermath begins in July. From the looks of it, Second Coming will set the stage for the next decade of X-comics. The question remains will the decade erupt with awesomeness or fizzle with all that which is lame?