Idealism Becomes Compelling: "Action Comics #23"

The following is my review of Action Comics #23, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Characters that resonate with a wide audience create the most compelling stories. And more often than not, characters resonate when the audience can relate to them. People look at characters like Batman or Peter Parker and see someone who is human and flawed yet they are able to accomplish amazing feats. However, this creates a challenge for someone like Superman, who is not human and whose feats are practically god-like in their scale and impact. No matter how much Superman resonates with an audience, nobody will ever know what it feels like to fly at the speed of light, move a planet with sheer muscle, or survive being Wonder Woman’s lover.

Yet Superman still resonates with audiences because unlike Batman and Peter Parker, he represents an ideal. He personifies all that is good, moral, and just. That ideal is more powerful than any human in the same way that Superman is more powerful than any human. And upholding that ideal can make stories about Superman seem more like a morality tale than a compelling narrative. But Action #23 manages to create a narrative that shows that upholding that ideal can still be a compelling story. It also shows that as easy as it is to relate to certain less-powerful characters, there’s not much they can do when an alien monster shows up to devour the Earth. Let’s face it, Batman doesn’t have anything in his utility belt for a threat like that.

This is the threat that Superman has to face in Action #23. It’s called Lexus and instead of a luxury car, it’s a planet-sized cross between a monster truck and a demon. And the knights of Pax Galactica have been fighting this creature for 23 years. Its origins are basic, but the details are important to the story. Lexus was forged from the disembodied heart of Queen Lourdes’s brother, who apparently had an evil in his heart strong enough to forge a terrifying body out of the disembodied planets he destroyed. Essentially, he’s evil on a level that makes it so nobody will complain about Superman having to kill him so critics of Superman: Man of Steel can rest easy.

While Lexus as a threat may be somewhat basic, it serves an important role in the scope of the story. This is a threat of pure, uncompromising evil. In the same way Superman represents the pure idealism of all that is good, a creature like Lexus represents the exact opposite. Normal humans and less than upstanding heroes can’t comprehend evil on that scale in the same way they can’t comprehend Superman’s ability to be good. At the same time, nobody except someone who is as powerful and as good as Superman has the ability to take on someone like Lexus while also dealing with Queen Lourdes’s knights of Pax Galactia. Because in the same way it’s challenging for mature adults to deal with immature children, it’s difficult for someone as good as Superman to deal with creatures this arrogant.

Before Lexus even arrives, Superman clashes with the knights of Pax Galactica. They treat him the same way the the weakest kid is treated in a game of dodgeball. But as soon as Lexus arrives, the game stops and the battle begins. And Superman, understanding that any frustration or anger he feels towards these creatures won’t help, looks past their juvenile behavior so that they can battle Lexus. In a perfect world, everyone would be able to overlook such petty misgivings. But in the real world, people hold grudges. In the real world, something as trivial as being cut off in the freeway is enough for someone to be seething with rage for a two-hour drive. But Superman doesn’t have that kind of time. He overlooks it and focuses on a more important task, namely saving the world.

And his ability to succeed where Queen Lourdes’s knights have failed says something else about Superman’s persona. Since he tries to fight with a level head that is clear of arrogance, he is able to surmise the weakness of the Lexus. The details of its origin are key in that it allows him to devise a strategy to end the creature once and for all. It’s a strategy that Queen Lourdes, her knights, and no being without god-like powers could carry out. But because Superman is Superman, he is able to to do so and destroys the Lexus by destroying its heart.

It’s not just an amazing display of power. It’s a perfect demonstration of how Superman isn’t just some overpowered demigod. He’s as powerful as he needs to be to do the right thing. Using more power might be easier, but it wouldn’t be just. He demonstrates this in another way that’s almost as dramatic as destroying a planet-sized robot demon. After seeing such a feat, Queen Lourdes and the knights of Pax Galactica swear their eternal allegiance to Superman. Now most people probably wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to have completely obedient superpowered slaves in the same way they wouldn’t tear up a winning lottery ticket. But that is exactly what Superman does. He didn’t destroy the Lexus to gain favor with Pax Galactica. He did it because it was the right thing to do.

That embodies the true core of Superman. Action #23 doesn’t really break new ground in Superman’s story or do anything too novel. It establishes a powerful threat that only Superman can stop and shows him stopping it while not cutting any corners along the way. There’s no shortcuts. There’s no cut-and-paste. Superman does things the right way and that’s all there is to it. That’s what makes Action #23 a satisfying Superman story. While less durable characters like Batman still has a place in modern mythology, there will always be room for living embodiments of an ideal like Superman.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

It Was All Building To This: Justice League #22

The following is my review of Justice League #22, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Colonel Hannibal Smith of the A-Team was right to love it when a plan came together. A well-orchestrated convergence of details and timing is a beautiful thing. Every great story demonstrates this to some degree. From Shakespeare to Michael Bay movies, the value and appeal of a story is predicated on its ability to bring multiple elements and plots together into a single, unified product.

However, there’s a trade-off for the kinds of plans that the A-Team are so good at crafting. There’s an exceedingly narrow window for convergence in a story. Move too fast and key details are lost, which is akin to Murdock crashing the helicopter. Move too slow and those details lose their meaning, which is akin to Mr. T taking a wrong turn during a car chase with mobsters. DC often sets itself apart from Marvel by saturating their stories with details. That’s what was presented with Flashpoint and that’s what has been promised with “Trinity War”. Justice League #22 marks the beginning of “Trinity War” and a convergence of numerous details that have been unfolding between the panels.

In this story, characters such as Shazam and Pandora, who have been background characters since the New 52 began, finally play an active role in a much larger story. Those who have been following Justice League finally get some payoff for the Shazam origin story that appended the end of every Justice League comic for the past year. In wake of Shazam’s defeat of Black Adam, he must make a fateful decision on what to do with the ashes of Black Adam. It is this decision that creates the circumstances that put the Justice League and the competing Justice League of America in the deserts of Khandaq. And it feels all the more fitting that this decision is rendered by a pre-pubescent boy whose understanding of global politics doesn’t extend beyond World of Warcraft.

But that isn’t the only plot that leads to the convergence of the Justice League and the JLA. Pandora, whose story has been unfolding in other books, also enters the picture when she approaches Superman about her mythical box. Having been a shadow in the New 52 since its inception, it’s refreshing, albeit overdue, to see her contribute to a major story. And it’s partially because of her actions that Superman ends up throwing the first punch in the “Trinity War”. In addition, visions with Madam Xanadu offer a telling insight into how badly this war ends. It doesn’t feel like a spoiler, but it does give the reader an idea of how badly this could go.

The clash between the two leagues and the subsequent impact on the reader can either be this issue’s greatest appeal or its greatest flaw. In the past, DC’s strongest events involved stories that casual readers could pick up and understand what was going on even if they hadn’t been following the issues leading up to it. This was part of what made Blackest Night so appealing to many readers and stories like Infinite Crisis fodder for angry readers on message boards. Justice League #22 is not quite on the same level as Blackest Night, but it is in the same zip code.

Readers who have been following Justice League and nothing else will feel rewarded for their dedication. Readers who have been following only Justice League of America will feel just as rewarded. But casual readers who haven’t been following either series closely will still get something out of this one issue. It doesn’t offer every detail about Pandora or Shazam or the Justice League’s recent activity in Khandaq, but it offers enough to make the story both coherent and epic. It’s basically a comic that fans of Avatar and Pulp Fiction could get behind.

That said, casual fans may still be at a disadvantage. Without knowing the details surrounding Shazam or the recent story about Superman and Wonder Woman’s activities in Khandaq, the impact of this story might be lost. Taken from the perspective of someone who is just curious about DC, who also happen to be the segment of the market that comic book publishers covet the most, this issue takes the form of just another superhero mash-up. And in a market where events like Marvel’s Civil War and Avengers vs. X-men are still fresh in peoples’ minds, this may be a major turnoff. Lately, it seems as though big events can only happen when heroes fight each other. It’s getting to the point where readers might suspect that the villains in comics are getting lazy.

But what keeps the first issue of “Trinity War” from echoing the same sentiment as Avengers vs. X-men is the ending. Even casual readers will feel the impact of the ending because it gives a clear and definitive message about the story. It’s not just about two teams of heroes fighting. Someone devious is pulling the strings and with DC’s upcoming villain month, it reassures readers that the villains in comics are not getting lazy. They’re just working smarter and not harder.

There are lots of appealing aspects about “Trinity War” and Justice League #22 demonstrates nearly all of them in a neatly contained package. The challenge now is to not overwhelm the readers with too many details and tie-ins, which DC has a nasty habit of doing. For now, at least, Trinity War is off to a promising start. Everything that has been unfolding in the DC universe is starting to come together and like the A-Team, there’s a lot to love about a plan that comes together.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Justice League #12 - The Kiss That Shocked (and Aroused) The World

I know it's been a long time since I reviewed a DC comic on this blog. If you haven't killed as many brain cells as I have, you would remember that there was a time when I reviewed DC comics regularly on this blog. Hell, I reviewed the entire fucking Brightest Day series from beginning to end. There are a number of reasons why I had to stop reviewing DC comics, most of which involved having too little time and a shitty meth dealer who shall go nameless. But just because I haven't been reviewing too many DC comics doesn't mean I've stopped reading them. Hell, since the New 52 began, I've been reading more DC comics than I have since Brightest Day. I haven't had too many opportunities to review any of them, mostly because there's been so much crazy shit going on in Marvel involving cosmic parrots and red-haired, green eyed women NOT named Jean Grey. But then something came along that actually made national fucking news and I just couldn't hold my wad anymore.

A few weeks ago, I reported that DC leaked the ending of Justice League #12 by saying Superman and Wonder Woman would hook up. And this shit wasn't just big news for comics. This shit made national fucking headlines. Apparently, it's a big fucking deal with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time hooks up with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time in a way that's not some cheap gimmick. It's been pointed out by a number of major sources that the idea of Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies is not new. But most of the time, it turns out to be a ruse or part of some alternate universe. And in comics, alternate universes are basically glorified fanfiction minus the part where the writers don't get paid jack shit for all their work. When this shit happens in the main continuity, it tends to either royally fuck up the main series or take it in a bold new direction or a mixture of the two. Seeing as how Superman's penis has been exclusively reserved for Lois Lane since the fucking Great Depression, it is a big fucking deal when that relationship is essentially ditched so something new and potentially bonerific is introduced. As such, I'm prepared to end my long sabbatical on reviewing DC comics and post a full review of Justice League #12.

Now it would take me at least six blog posts to cover all the shit that has happened since the New 52 began. I only reviewed some of the early issues and a lot has happened since then to say the very least. So for the sake of the assholes who claim I'm not attentive to detail, here's a quick rundown of what's been going on in Justice League. The first arc was basically a prelude, a look back five years into the past when superheroes were still a novel concept and before anyone thought Apple could make a decent smart phone. The next arc and the one that's culminating in Justice League #12 depicts the fucked up logistics of having a superhero team in the world of youtube, TMZ, and a Congress with a lower approval rating than Todd Akin's support with women voters. The early issues shows how this has royally fucked up the life of Colonel Steve Trevor, who historically has been Wonder Woman's closest parallel to what Lois Lane is to Superman. While Trevor does come off as a douche at times, you can't help but feel sorry for the guy because he flat out told Wonder Woman he was in love with her and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fuck, and I just thought men only loved certain parts of a woman." Okay, so maybe she was nicer about it, but you get the idea.

The point of the Steve Trevor story is that he's basically the public whipping boy for the Justice League. He's like Lindsey Lohan's publicist, having to do the impossible and give the impression that it's okay to trust the League implicitly with protecting the world without any kind of governmental oversight. He might as well be tasked with convincing the entire Catholic Church that God wants them to jerk off to gay porn for six hours a day. Well in addition to having this impossible job, Steve Trevor also makes himself a target by being the official PR guy for the League. But not to your typical bad guys like Lex Luthor, Braniac, or the Christian Coalition.

The second arc of Justice League deals with a villain that's a bit more devious and a bit more fucked up than your typical bad guy. He actually showed up in the first arc. Back then, he was just David Graves. After the Justice League took on Darkseid, he wrote a book that sold better than 50 Shades of Grey and Harry Potter combined that basically made the Justice League out to be modern day gods. You would think this guy would be the last person to fall in with a bad crowd and you would also have to believe that good people don't routinely get screwed over in both comics and the real world. If you sincerely believe that, stop taking whatever pills you are taking and see a neurosurgeon right away.

The past few issues of Justice League have shown how David Graves has not only lost his mind, but basically been fucked over worse than the guy who invested all his money in Facebook stock. His wife and children were overcome with a mysterious illness that killed them all. Then he got sick and was on the verge of dying as well. And in his twisted mind of illness and agony (and probably some kickass prescription drugs, he blamed the Justice League for his suffering). So he hatched this elaborate scheme that may or may not be a side-effect of said drugs to go to this mystical place called Mount Sumeru where the souls of the dead allegedly wait to be judged before entering the afterlife. It's basically what the Catholic Church thinks happens when you die, minus the part where Jesus drop kicks gays into Hell. From there, he somehow managed to tap into the power of this mystical place to become this walking death cult. He used his power to kidnap Steve Trevor and torture him so he could get to the Justice League and lure them to Mount Sumeru. It actually worked remarkably well, once again vindicating Dick Cheney's justifications for torture.

Justice League #12 doesn't start off with Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies, but mainly continues this story with David Graves as the League confronts his newfound death-loving powers. Now at Mount Sumeru, he's able to haunt them with ghostly images of their friends and loved ones. Superman sees his parents, Batman sees his parents, Green Lantern sees his father, and...okay, you can probably figure out the rest. And Wonder Woman sees Steve Trevor, who she promised to save but ends up being too late. So not only did she break his heart and his balls, but she got his ass killed. It creates the kind of psychological torture that the League is not equipped to handle and makes for a very spooky scene that allows Jim Lee to once again show why he's the comic book art equivalent of Pablo Picasso.

But Graves isn't just out to torment the Justice League with ghostly images of their loved ones. He actually tries to come off as sympathetic by saying he plans on destroying Mount Sumeru so that the spirits of the dead would be free to reunite with their relatives. It sounds noble on paper, even if Graves looks like something Freddy Kruger shat out on one of his victims. But it also leaves me wondering if that was his goal all along, then why the fuck get the Justice League involved? I get that he blames them for killing his family, but why invite them to party before the keg has been tapped? He's just asking for trouble. So while Geoff Johns and Jim Lee make an admirable effort to have Graves appear as sympathetic, he just comes off as a dumb ass.

As expected, Grave's piss poor planning comes back to bite him. While he appears to have the Justice League under his thumb, he conveniently forgets that he didn't torture Steve Trevor enough. He shows up in the fight looking like someone who just went 15 rounds with Mike Tysons and Muhammad Ali on meth armed with only a gun. And not some magic, ghost-killing gun. I'm talking the same gun Rick Perry probably keeps under his pillow. It seems less gutsy and more batshit insane. Graves just subdued the fucking Justice League. Yet Steve Trevor thinks he can take him on? He may not be worthy of Wonder Woman's pussy, but he's still worthy of plenty of respect.

The arrival of Steve Trevor does more than just throw off Graves and remind him why good villains are more thorough when it comes to torturing innocent people. It inspires the Justice League to fight back. They now know that these ghostly forms that appear to be their loved ones aren't real. In fact, they aren't even ghosts. They're called Petras, which are essentially the spiritual equivalent of tapeworms. They feed off the spirits of their victims in the same way Jerry Springer feeds off the tears of redneck transvestite strippers. That just means the Justice League won't have to deal with a touch of guilt in crushing them. Plus, it gives Wonder Woman a window with which to beat the shit out of Graves. Even though he's a misguided old man, you don't win any fucking sympathy from a woman scorned.

It's a quick, flashy fight. Almost too quick in some ways because Graves really is in no position to put up a fight. He's not fucking Lex Luthor or Darkseid. He's a sick old man for whom senility has kicked his ass. Even though Johns and Lee still try to make him come off as sympathetic as he begs the Justice League to kill him, you still don't feel too bad when the League just watches him squirm. And any sympathy you might have had for Graves pretty much goes out the window when Batman points out that he knew these ghostly parasites weren't his family. He just didn't want to believe it. And since Batman is the one saying it, he's got no hope of arguing. He might as well be OJ Simpson speaking out against spousal abuse. So in the end Graves wasn't misguided. He was just batshit insane. And I think the Justice League has enough of those in their rogue's gallery.

Later on after the League gets tired of watching an old man whine like a little bitch, Wonder Woman catches up with Steve Trevor in the hospital. It's a tense moment, but one the readers were probably expecting after seeing the cover. In order for Wonder Woman to swap spit with Superman, she needs to set aside Steve Trevor. She tries to play up the Peter Parker angle, which became defunct after One More Day. She says just knowing her led to his torture and she just can't have that. She can't have a guy close to her who is so fragile that the muscles in her pinkie toe could sever his spine. And she's pretty cold about it too, saying she doesn't want him to be the League's liaison anymore. So not only is she dumping his ass for a second time. She's firing him as well. Even Ann Coulter would raise an eyebrow at this point.

But she doesn't come off as entirely cold. Wonder Woman makes it clear that she still cares about Steve and doesn't want him to get hurt. He then points out that he's a soldier. Getting hurt is part of the job description and he was putting his ass on the line long before he was checking out hers. In the end he's the one that tells her off, saying she can go ahead with finding a new liaison. But she's running scared in a way that isn't very warrior-like. So even though he's wounded, he sounds like the one with the balls. And against Wonder Woman, that's saying something.

Without Steve Trevor or some pretty face to keep Congress and the UN off their backs, the Justice League is stuck doing damage control on their own. If that weren't tedious enough, Batman points out that they may have actually been responsible for what happened to Grave's family. So in some respects he wasn't completely insane in claiming that the League screwed him over. Granted, it was a result of him being too close to Darkseid's omega beam, but I guess it's just easier to torment the Justice League than it is Darkseid. But in the course of this battle, the League is hit with some rather lousy press due to footage of them fighting leaking out into the media. And in the era of youtube and Fox News, even heroes/gods get belittled by the Glenn Becks of the world. They're forced to conclude that they need to get their shit together and without Steve Trevor. Green Lantern decides to use a temporary fix by having him take the fall for the fight and quit the league. It's like solving a stubbed toe by cutting it off. It's a bit excessive, but when you're dealing with government and media there's no such thing as subtle.

Now the stage is finally set for the big moment. Wonder Woman has left Steve Trevor at the hospital upset, demoralized, and saddened. So she skips the meeting with the rest of the Justice League and sets up shop on top of the Lincoln Memorial. Superman, who probably doesn't care to see Batman explain how fucked the League is either, catches up with her and tries to cheer her up. It doesn't sound like he intends to swap some bodily fluids, but it's clear they're both quite vulnerable. Wonder Woman talks about how confusing relationships are. It's easy to forget that she comes from an island of warrior women for whom men are either target practice or sperm factories. She doesn't know the first thing about how a man and a woman can get along. I'm pretty sure nobody in the history of the world has ever been able to understand that shit, but given where she came from her confusion is understandable.

Superman tries to be Superman and say all the right things. He points out that relationships are even more complicated since they aren't even close to being normal. He's an alien from another world. She's a woman from a mystical island of warrior women. They really don't have anyone in the world to relate to. There's no dating sight for people like them. Even though Superman has an alternate ego in Clark Kent, that ego is essentially a mask. In the New 52, nobody knows Clark Kent is Superman. Both his parents are dead. His relationship with Lois has been One More Dayed. He's alone in the same way Wonder Woman is alone. She's Zeus's daughter and her own sisters consider her an abomination. That and her mother fucking lied to her for most of her life. She's got nobody to turn to. So when they each establish how alone they are, what happens next is neither surprising nor unfitting.

It happens. Superman and Wonder Woman kiss. For once, the cover was not a bullshit ruse. DC is basically telling Marvel here to take all their phony Jean Grey covers and fuck off. Because in this moment where Superman and Wonder Woman come together, it doesn't feel like a gimmick or just something for fanfiction writers to turn into porn. These two characters are very alone in the New 52. They have nobody they can get close to. They have nobody they can share all their intimate secrets with. They already work together and trust each other in the Justice League. It may not be the best set of circumstances under which to hook up, but they definitely work. They work in ways that'll bring a tear to your eye while making your dick or clit hard as a slab of granite. For everything DC has done in the build-up to this moment with all the news coverage and what not, it still makes for an immensely satisfying scene.

I'll give fanboys and fanfiction writes a moment to contemplate how they can turn the previous scene into something they can jerk off to. It would have been a nice way for the issue to end, but it would have also been too fucking sappy. This is a Justice League comic in the post New 52 eras. It's not a massage parlor in Bankok where a happy ending is expected. There always has to be room for some more to stench up the story down the line and this issue is no exception. The final scene revisits Graves in a prison, who is still sick and dying and understandably pissed at the Justice League. So it's a given that someone like Amanda Waller will come along and ask him to write another book. She already gives him a title, "How to Destroy the Justice League." Speaking as someone who has been motivated to write some pretty fucked up shit in the past, I can say that when you're sick and pissed off you're not going to hold back. And with Graves, it's a given that there will be a lot less dick and boob jokes.

Whenever a comic promises to get everybody talking, it's normal for readers to roll their eyes and give it no more credence than those annoying male enhancement commercials. You wish it were true, but assume it's largely bullshit because more often than not it is. Well this time, it's not bullshit. This comic may not make your dick a foot long, but it delivers when it claims it'll get people talking. Getting mentioned by major news outlets and fucking Good Morning America definitely qualifies. It doesn't just show Superman and Wonder Woman sharing a friendly smooch at a vulnerable moment. It actually establishes that these two can and will have an actual relationship in DC's New 52 universe.

This opens the floodgates to all sorts of stories, 2/3rds of which involve the kind of damage these two could do if they start experimenting with thrill sex. Granted, Johns and Lee didn't drop a whole lot of hints regarding these two early on in the arc. However, the possibility was there. And the way it came together in this issue made it so there didn't need to be the kind of playful flirting that Hugh Grant made boring in every romantic comedy ever made. It may not be the best circumstances for a relationship. Hell, it probably would make for a better one-night stand or summer fling when you get right down to it, but the potential is still there. And fuck if the possibilities don't make my dick harder than a jackhammer in a diamond mine.

Now as for the comic as a whole, there is more at work than just Superman and Wonder Woman kissing if you can believe that. It did effectively end the arc with Graves and it moved the story forward with the Justice League, making it so they're now vulnerable in a way that's not going to work to their advantage to say the least. The world no longer thinks they're gods worthy of the same loyalty that Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber enjoy. They've also pissed off someone who was once a close ally in Steve Trevor, who has both the means and the motivation to fuck with them in the near future. The story, aside from inspiring fanfiction writers to do superpowered sex scenes, establishes an uncertain environment for the Justice League that promises to lead to some increasingly volatile conflicts at the very least.

If there is a flaw in this development, it's that it seems to be somewhat underplayed and not just because of the Superman/Wonder Woman kiss. Johns seemed to make too much of an effort to make Graves come off as sympathetic. And the whole battle between the League and these ghostly illusions of their loved ones didn't have the kind of epic feel that it should have. You never got the sense that the League was really tormented by these visions. When it was over, they basically shrugged it off. Only Wonder Woman seemed to be really effected. But in the end, the point of the story wasn't the battle. It was the consequences of the battle. It may not be as action packed as a battle against Darkseid, but it's still pretty damn awesome. For that, I give Justice League #12 a 4 out of 5.

It feels good to review a DC comic again and it feels good to see DC taking a chance with Superman and Wonder Woman. I've made my opinion on the relationship pretty clear and I pray to Odin that DC doesn't screw it up. These are two of the most iconic heroes in the history of comics. To screw them up at this point is to shit on the hearts of several generations of comic fans. Best of luck to you, DC! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a box of Kleenexes and a bottle of lube with my name on it. Nuff said!

Marvel Universe Reboot: Should They or Shouldn't They?

I try not to get too caught up in business aspect of comics. It's not just that I find the business aspect of any entertainment enterprise to be more boring than watching piles of shit dry out in the sun. When you've nuked as many brain cells as I have over the years, you just don't have enough energy to think about the rich men in fancy suits sitting in conference rooms contemplating how to squeeze as much money out of its customers as possible. Now don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against business. This is America, damn it! Heartless, soulless capitalism that mercilessly sucks on the teat of the almighty dollar is part of freedom and it gets consumers like us some pretty awesome shit. But for the past year and even a bit before that, the business practices of the comic book world have garnered greater attention among fans and for once it's not because it involves a lawsuit against Rupert Murdoch. It involves what I call the "Great Reboot Debate."

Comic fans, even the stoners, all remember what went down in September of 2011. DC Comics, sick of lagging behind Marvel's market share and all the "Superboy Prime continuity punch" jokes, decided to shake up the massively messy etch-a-sketch that was the DC Universe and reboot everything. In terms of marketing ploys, this is akin to remodeling an entire neighborhood using napalm. It sent some fans into a state of chronic conniption fits while others let out a sigh of relief because they didn't have to hack a NASA satellite to effectively track the convoluted conglomerate of continuity that was DC comics. Was it a gimmick? Fuck yes, it was a gimmick. But it fucking worked. The sales of DC Comics in September 2011 didn't just dominate, they dominated the top ten sales spots for months. Suddenly, those "Superboy Prime" jokes turned into "Aquaman is outselling Uncanny X-men and Avengers. Your argument is invalid."

King of Atlantis. Dating a hot redhead. Founding member of the Justice League. Suck it, Wolverine!

There's no question that DC's reboot worked. While Marvel may have regained their market share lead, it's much more neck-and-neck now. The gap between the two companies is razor thin and DC's push for the future rather than trying to forcibly make shit fit into the past has set a new precedent for the comic industry. Lapsed DC fans no longer have to ask "Do I REALLY need to get all 700+ issues of Action Comics to know what the fuck is going on?" They can just find the new number ones and go from there. No more wondering how all this shit from the 60s and 70s fits into the picture. No more endless bitching about how Crisis and Infinite Crisis only left the DC Universe more constipated with complications. It worked so well that now some are starting to question whether Marvel should do the same and reboot their own 40+ line of continuity that has seen multiple deaths and resurrections, multiple alternate universe crossovers, and even a marriage or two getting sold to the devil. Hell, some would be okay with a Marvel 616 reboot if it completely erased the clone saga, but it's more complicated than that.

The prospects of a Marvel 616 continuity reboot is not just the kind of speculation fans throw around like whether or not She-Hulk gets a bikini wax or what kind of shit the Thing spews when he's got the runs. It's a whole fucking thread on the CBR message boards. Even though Marvel's top brass and future governor of Atlantis, Axel Alonso, has said outright that Marvel is not rebooting, that hasn't stopped some from arguing the merits of a Marvel 616 reboot.

Is it not worth it to get people to shut up about the Clone Saga?

But how seriously should Marvel even consider such a notion? Well, this is one instance where no matter how much liquor you put in me, I don't come off too strongly on either side. I know that may seem shocking to those who have seen me dedicate entire posts to explaining why Hope Summers sucks elephant balls or why Miles Morales is the least interesting idea since Mitt Romney's last campaign speech, but it's true. I'm really on the fences with this and while I'm content to see both factions pop an artery arguing about it while I slam back a bottle of vodka, I do see merit in both sides.

First off, let's start with Marvel's current position. They say the Marvel 616 universe isn't broken and doesn't need to be fixing. In this, I think they're right for the most part. The 616 universe has been pretty damn strong lately thanks to events that don't suck like the Messiah Trilogy, Captain America Reborn, Planet Hulk, and Spider Island. They dominate the market without having to streamline their continuity, proving that it doesn't matter how fucked up a timeline is so long as it has a steady stream of events that soaks the panties of the fanbase.

It hasn't been perfect. Fear Itself and Secret Invasion still left fans more unsatisfied than Ricky Martin's last girlfriend. However, the world that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby birthed from the cosmic womb of awesome remains compelling. The ongoing events of Avengers vs. X-men and the sales it has generated prove that. So when guys like Axel Alonso and Tom Brevoort thumb their noses at fans who want a reboot, they have good reason for doing so. Although when they thumb their noses at fans who want Jean Grey to come back, that's still a dick move.

Every dick move needs a scapegoat. But does it always have to have such a nice rack?

But even if the 616 universe isn't broke now, history has shown that it can turn to shit pretty damn quickly. Some of you may have smoked more weed than I have so you don't remember how boring and bland 616 was in the early 2000s. We had shit like the Chuck Austin run of Uncanny X-men and Decimation for Avengers that made the 616 universe look like it had basketball sized tumor on the underside of its balls. Hell, during this time Marvel actually contemplated making the pre-fucked up Ultimate universe the new continuity because at the time it was actually outselling 616 by a wide margin. Granted, Ultimate eventually tanked in a way that made the Battlefield Earth movie look like the fucking Godfather, but the mere fact that Marvel contemplated this shit shows that they're were willing to fuck up their timeline before DC ever did.

In the end, however, they didn't have to. It only really turned around once Civil War got things going again, but a lot of the shit generated in that story ended up coming full circle. Iron Man redeemed himself (by forgetting what a douche he had been no less), Captain America came back to life, and Thor came back. Now this is a problem whether Marvel wants to admit it or not. I get the desire to keep the Marvel universe a certain way so that fans that see the cartoons and movies can jump right in, but really does make the stories seem more gimmicky than they already are. It's like there's a asterisks at the bottom of all these events that say "This story will be retconned to death in a few years so don't start shitting through your nose over what you see."

It's enough to make me wonder how much emotional energy fans should invest in Avengers vs. X-men. As always, Marvel promises that the results of this event will rock the Marvel universe in the same way Emma Frost rocks a bed on Namor's birthday. That may be true in the short term, but what about the long term? How long until the X-men and Avengers are slamming back beers and watching Monday Night Football again? How long until the Phoenix Force is back to being that shitty cosmic turkey that Marvel uses when it wants to put beautiful women in cosmic uniforms or men into uniforms that blatantly rip-off Nightwing? It may be a long time, but it may still come full circle. Like Civil War, it could get people interested in the comics again, but only end up becoming trivialized in the long run.

When all else fails, just have heroes beat each other up and watch fans give you money.

This leads me to believe that reboot could not only work, but it could actually make the Marvel Universe less of a running joke on how continuity is basically a synonym for "fuck the details and just keep rebranding and relaunching." Imagine an event where every Marvel book had to start from scratch. For once, Marvel wouldn't need to act like a Russian contortionist porn star to fit the details into a timeline. The Avengers, the X-men, the Fantastic Four, and all the elaborate backstories that have roots at a time when JFK was still banging Marilyn Monroe could finally be properly refined. The whole Phoenix concept could finally be streamlined to ditch all the shitty retcons. Clones like Ben Riley and Madelyne Pryor could finally be cast aside or reinvented in a way that makes them seem like something that a writer didn't pull out of their ass when they ran out of good ideas/weed. Entire new twists could be put on these classic characters. It once seemed like an outrageous notion, but DC proved that it can be done and done pretty fucking well. And if Marvel really considers themselves the House of Ideas, they have no excuse. That or everyone at Marvel has to admit to Dan Didio that he can do something that they can't. And you know the folks at DC would hold that against Marvel and probably use it as a marketing ploy. I can already see ads like "If you're a pussy, work at Marvel. If you have the balls to reboot your whole line and do it right, work for DC!" In this age of talking geckos, you can't say that shit wouldn't work.

The smile of a man whose mustache has bigger balls than all of Marvel.

But even if a reboot would open so many possibilities for Marvel and fix some of the lingering issues that have plagued 616 for decades, that doesn't mean they should to it. Marvel would still run the risk of fucking it up, alienating the fans that have dedicated years of their wasted youth following the Marvel universe. That and Marvel comics have never truly lagged when it comes to sales. For all it's flaws, 616 still has proven to be Marvel's bread and butter. Series like the Ultimate universe and 2099 may be nice toppings, but they can never be the meat of an awesome sandwich.

Now in the long run, I think Marvel is going to have to do some serious retcons to keep the continuity relevant and contemporary. And there's only so many retcons you can do before Father Time himself says "Fuck it, I'm outta here." Years down the line, Marvel may do their own reboot. For now, the creative minds at Marvel believe that what they're doing is working and the sales charts show they're not wrong. But as the Iraq war has shown, shit can go bad very quickly. One day guys like Axel Alonso and Joe Quesada might just get drunk enough to contemplate such an idea. If they do, they'll be hung over as fuck but they'll at least have an idea that has been shown to be successful. DC's New 52 has changed the nature of the comic industry and I would argue it was a necessary change. They decided to roll the dice and do something crazy without getting too drunk in the process. Marvel could definitely do the same, but should they? For the moment, I really don't know. I love 616 now and I would rather not see a reboot at a time when shit seems to be working. But at the same time, I've seen Marvel fuck things up before. If it happens again and I'm not able to cope with it despite my copious diet of illicit substances, then I may have to change my mind. Only time will tell, but for now it's an open question and one Marvel would be wise not to ignore. Nuff said!