Inspiration of an Ideal: Superman Unchained #9

The following is my review of Superman Unchained #9, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

For most of his history, Superman has faced many challenges. Most of them follow a pretty simple formula. Superman is the personification of all that is good and anyone who opposes superman is inherently evil. Therefore, the one opposing Superman is the bad guy and it's up to Superman to stop the bad guy and rescue a pretty girl, if necessary. It's a formula so simple that it's right up there with the basic addition that most kids learn in grade school. It's so basic that it can difficult at times to create meaningful challenges. It's like trying to find a way to make chocolate taste better. There's only so much that can be done.

Superman Unchained dared to take up that challenge. It didn't try to subvert that basic formula. It tried to expand it and despite delays second only to Half-Life 3, it succeeded. It didn't just present Superman with a worthy adversary in Wraith, who has the intimidating presence of Doomsday in addition to a real personality. It deconstructed his entire approach to being Superman, but not in the traditional "noble hero beats up evil villain" sort of way.

This in and of itself is a creative risk. To criticize Superman's commitment to being a hero is like criticizing the Dali Llama, but it still found a way to be meaningful. It helped create a complex narrative that (for those willing to endure the frustrating delays) told a story that highlights everything that makes Superman awesome. But the complexity of that narrative has created a lot of loose ends to resolve and Superman Unchained #9 attempts to do this and thereby make all those delays feel worth it. The results are as close to perfection as it can get without creating a whole new formula. It might not make chocolate taste better, but it still feels just as sweet.

The complex narrative that was so difficult to follow through the delays came together in as meaningful way as possible. There was no M. Night Shyamalan style twist. There were no shocking revelations either. They weren't necessary. It just took all the elements that were established at the beginning of the story and brought them together in a concise, coherent way. Nobody will be left scratching their head. None of the familiar characters involved do anything that will shock anybody. But it will still be satisfying. It's like vanilla ice cream, but with just the right blend of toppings to make it delicious.

That's not to say the story is wholly predictable. This is where Wraith, who entered the story as a Superman wannabe minus the perfect jawline, makes his impact felt. His growth as a character is one of the main driving forces of the conflict. He represented a completely different approach to being Superman. He didn't just fly around in a cape, beating up bad guys and flirting with pretty brunettes. He actually joined forces with the government and helped them shape world affairs. It is a direct violation of Superman's values, but it is presented in a way that has merit.

For a time, it feels as though Wraith's approach might actually be more valid than Superman's. Then, in his most defining moment, Wraith himself reveals why the formula that Superman follows works as well as any basic equation. It comes on the heels of another revelation about who Wraith is and what his people intended to do to Earth by sending him there. This is where the convergence of so many different elements becomes so satisfying. Thanks to Lex Luthor, Wraith now knows that he helped make Earth vulnerable to an invasion from his people. It's an invasion that Superman is in a position to stop. And he does, but not with the same power he usually uses against the Brainiacs of the universe.

It goes back to that basic formula of what makes Superman who he is. A big part of that formula is his power. This is a guy who can bench press a moon, fly to Pluto in the time it takes to cook a hot pocket, and brush off a nuclear explosion the same way most people brush off a light breeze. But his greatest power, by far, is his ability to inspire others to do the right thing. It's an inspiration immortalized by Grant Morrison in All-Star Superman and Russell Crow Superman: Man of Steel when Jor-El told Superman to be a beacon of hope for others. And Wraith, despite the kind of indoctrination that Fox News can only dream of, embraced that hope.

In the end Superman demonstrated the true strength of his principles. He was able to take someone in Wraith, who went out of his way to spit on Superman's values, and inspire him to do the right thing. What makes it all the more satisfying is that it came at Lex Luthor's expense. In the same way Wraith's nature was explored, Lex Luthor's disdain for Superman is given a depth far greater than that of a prototypical villain. He still comes off as the kind of guy who treats his ego like a rocket-powered Lamborghini, but he at least makes an effort to sound reasonable.

Lex doesn't try to come up with new excuses. He doesn't blame Superman for his hair loss or anything quite that petty. He makes clear that he believes Superman is holding humanity back and he attempted to put an end to that by forcing him to make a sacrifice. He just didn't expect Superman's ability to inspire others like Wraith to be so strong. It's the best possible rebuke Superman could've made without throwing in a bald joke.

The culmination of so many diverse elements make Superman Unchained #9 as satisfying a conclusion as anyone could hope for without enduring more delays. It makes all the right personal and emotional connections without getting too melodramatic. It's only real shortcoming is that the aftermath of this beautifully crafted conclusion is somewhat lacking. We don't get to see how Lex Luthor or General Lane react to Superman's thorough rebuke of their criticism. We're just left to assume they're all banging their heads against the wall in frustration. It might not be the most poetic ending, but it will still feel as sweet and satisfying as any piece of chocolate.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Superman Unchained #7

I'm going to skip the usual anecdotes about my last trip to Tijuana or my high school horror stories this time so I can get one thing out of the way. Yes, I know I used to review a lot more DC comics on this blog. And yes, I know seeing this review for some is like seeing Walter White going from meth cook to weed grower. My goal is still the same. I want to get everybody who reads this high on the awesome of comics. It would definitely help if more people drank or smoked pot while reading these books, but I can only provide so much without the DEA riding my ass like the IRS rides Willie Nelson. And Superman Unchained is to DC comics what Walter White's blue meth is to tweakers. It doesn't come often, but fuck if it doesn't embody everything that's awesome about Superman. And since this week is the 4th of July and I'm feeling patriotic, it's only fitting that I review a comic about the hero that embodies truth, justice, and the American Way. Fittingly enough, Superman Unchained #7 is a book that has the American way attacking Superman on his own fucking property because he has something they want and for once it isn't weed, blow, or Edward Snowden's address. So in the spirit of Independence Day, I'm going to salute and gorge on apple pie while getting drunk and watching Superman kick the asses of the Dick Cheney's of the world. God bless America indeed!

The situation is simple enough for even Bill O'Riley to understand. Lois Lane now possesses the Earth Stone, which to the American military is like possessing nuclear launch codes and the keys to Bill Clinton's porno stash. Superman, naturally, attempts to protect Lois by sheltering her in his Fortress of Solitude. So General Lane, who happens to be Lois' father and probably has voted republican since 1980, does what any reasonable American with an army and an obscene budget. He attempts to invade Superman's home armed with a bunch of big fucking AT-AT style tanks that are probably overbudget as fuck. This kind of shit might give Rush Limbaugh a boner, but this is as un-American as it gets. Nobody needs to know the full story of the Earthstone or why Lois Lane has it. They just need to know that General Lane wants it and he looks at Superman the same way Vladimir Putin looks at watered down vodka. It's not the first time the American military has harassed Superman, but on the same week as Independence Day, it feels that much more relevant.

Naturally, Superman's first inclination is to protect Lois from the attack. Unlike him or Wonder Woman, she's composed of frail fleshy bits that don't stand up to a typical artillery shell. Lois, knowing her father is a bigger asshole than anyone gives him credit for, warns him that he's packing weapons specifically designed to hurt him. With a budget like his, he can probably afford to cover those weapons in gold. But even though Lois is probably telling the truth and as a great ass, Superman doesn't heed her warning and is prepared to fight back. If for no other reason than to make Lois horny at the sight of someone attacking her asshole father.

Beyond the obvious daddy issues, there's actually a much more profound conversation going on that only makes sense for those who read the earlier issues in the series. For a good chunk of this series, it has basically criticized and deconstructed Superman's approach to helping people. General Lane and Wraith, a far less sexier but far more pro-American superpowered alien, basically tell him he's pissing into the wind with what he's doing. Being Clark Kent and Superman is a setup that can't work in the long run, no matter what he does. But Lois points out that he makes the choice to follow this path because he believes it. And since he's fucking Superman, it has to be right on some levels. It's a nice moment that is fittingly ruined when General Lane jumps the gun and starts shooting at the fortress. It causes both property damage and I imagine it probably causes some pretty awkward moments with hookers.

Speaking of Wraith, who basically looks like the bastard child of Kratos from God of War and Drax the Destroyer, he has his hands full as well. After slugging it out with Superman in a few early issues, he opts for what he probably thinks is an easier fight against one of the allies that helped him secure Lois. He's just a man in that he has no powers. By all accounts, this should be as easy for Wraith as killing a fly with a shotgun. The problem is that man happens to be the goddamn Batman. And unlike most flies, Batman has a kickass cave and a fleet of awesome cars.

Now I won't want the comments section of this review to turn into another bullshit Batman vs. Superman argument. There have been enough of those going on since the 1950s and we don't need to have that argument until Ben Affleck skews it in Dawn of Justice. But I will say that pitting Wraith against Batman helps create a welcome change of pace in the action, which to this point has basically been super-powered aliens punching each other. Now it's the goddamn Batman, armed with a fleet of cars and a fucking jet, against a super-powered alien. Sounds like a fair fight to me and unlike Dawn of Justice, we know who to root for.

There's no ambiguity here on who deserves to get punched. Batman battles Wraith. Superman battles General Lane and his overbudgeted army of "Fuck the Constitution, let's bomb some shit until the problem is solved" friends. That doesn't mean there aren't tough decisions to make. Despite Lois' insistence that she have a front row seat so she can watch Superman beat up her father and pleasure herself during every glorious second, Superman turns her down. He sticks her in some protective cell, much to her dismay. I doubt she'll be able to pleasure herself to the thoughts of her father getting his ass kicked there. But this is part of the hard choices Superman has to make. I know fans of Superman/Lois don't want to hear this and Superman/Wonder Woman fans will dance naked in the streets to this, but Lois is human. She's vulnerable and even if she doesn't want to be protected, Superman is going to protect her, damn it. General Lane certainly doesn't give a shit that there might be human casualties. I'm sure he thinks that's the kind of shit that hippies, the ACLU, and communists only care about.

In that respect, he's taught Wraith well because he treats Batman and his private Batcave the same way. I know I made it seem like a fair fight when I said he's the goddamn Batman and he's got a fleet of awesome cars to fight with. But let's face it, this is a fair fight in the same way our tax laws are fair. Wraith brushes off the attacks by Superman's cars the same way Brett Favre brushes off a concussion and a broken thumb on game day. That means Batman has to fight unfair and rely on more than just his gadgets, his money, and his brilliance. I know that's like the Koch brothers winning an argument without bribes, but Batman just happens to have a power ring that he keeps handy in case he has to fight a Superman-level villain. Why does he have this and where the fuck did he get it? It doesn't matter. He's the goddamn Batman. It evens the odds, but Wraith still has the upper hand. Like General Lane and assholes like him, he prefers an unfair fight.

Batman is smart enough to know Wraith's preferences. He doesn't become the goddamn Batman without taking them into account when choosing to confront someone who could crush his bones like a stale cracker. So he finds a way to make it an unfair fight in the opposite manner. How? He invites Superman's girlfriend, Wonder Woman, to join the battle. So now Wraith has to take on the goddamn Batman and Superman's pissed off girlfriend, who probably doesn't appreciate him or General Lane fucking up his bachelor pad. It's as lopsided as it sounds, but anyone who has been following this series to this point has already developed a burning hatred for Wraith. So seeing him get his ass kicked by both Wonder Woman and Batman is more satisfying than a beer and a blowjob on a Saturday.

The battle between Superman and General Lane is slightly more balanced, but only slightly. Once he has Lois secured and has blocked out her angry bitching, he dons a little war gear of his own and unlike General Lane's, it didn't cost the taxpayers a goddamn thing. I'm not sure where the armor came from, but seeing as how he's currently sleeping with the daughter of Zeus, I'm just going to assume he has connections. With this armor, he is basically a cross between Iron Man and Hulk, but with less alcoholism and anger issues.

The fight is once again pretty basic, but it's not all punching and whining. Along the way, Superman finds the time to educate General Lane on this whole bullshit approach to using war and weapons to do the right thing. That's like drinking to get sober or using orgies to promote chastity. These weapons, he argues, detach people from their humility. And given the long history of unjust, bullshit wars that people have raged over the centuries, he's not wrong either. Of course, General Lane isn't going to suddenly realize how wrong he is and join the Libertarian Party. But it's a nice response to his bullshit criticisms from earlier issues.

It's a pretty epic struggle that finds a way to stay balanced. General Lane hits Superman with some badass weapons that probably make defense contractors jizz their pants. Superman hits back with some badass weapons of his own. Along the way, General Lane and Superman keep debating their respective philosophies. It makes me wish they had used this approach during the last presidential debate. It would have been way more entertaining. But before they can start pandering to independents, a certain complication enters the battle. She has dark hair, a nice ass, and a knack for getting into trouble. Yes, it's Lois again. And apparently, the Earthstone didn't like being protected either.

To be fair to Lois, she contributes to this battle thanks to the Earthstone. She uses it to block an incoming attack. I'm sure she didn't want Superman to have all the fun of pissing off her father. That's supposed to be her job. The role of the Earthstone is still somewhat ambiguous. In fact, it's the only real ambiguity in this whole issue. Seven issues in and I'm still not sure what the fuck they're supposed to do or why it warrants a full scale invasion by General Lane. I mean it's not like it's oil. But that doesn't make the battle any less satisfying.

It's even more satisfying when Superman finally manages to get to General Lane, who is probably confused and even more pissed off at seeing his daughter caught up in all this. I doubt this would have stopped him from launching his precious invasion. I'm pretty sure nothing short of personal kick in the balls from the President would have stopped that. But this gives Superman a window to end this battle before General Lane can fuck up his home and piss away more tax dollars than he already has. I know it doesn't seem American, Superman taking on an American General. But it's not like he's choking Ben Franklin or anything. This is General Lane, who would probably have been Benedict Arnold's prison bitch back in the 18th century. In that sense, the way Superman confronts him makes him the most American son-of-a-bitch in the goddamn world.

Once he has a little face time with General Lane, Superman is able to simplify things pretty fucking fast. He doesn't give him a lecture on the 5th Amendment or the balance of power. He just asks him where the fuck Wraith is so he can end this bullshit and probably make his daughter horny in the process. General Lane might be a hard-nosed military asshole the likes of which make up at least half the villains in every Michael Bay movie, but he understands that there's no way to win a battle against Superman once his overbudget toys have been destroyed. He breaks faster than a North Korean smart phone and Superman finds out that Wraith is busy fighting Batman. So after leaving Lane to face his pissed off daughter and contemplate all the ways he just pissed on the constitution, he flies to the batcave where he's prepared to have a little chat with Wraith. But unlike previous issues, this one promises to involve more punching and less bullshit.

The overarching themes in this book would make both Glenn Beck and Rachel Maddow cry tears of joy in many respects. There's a tyrannical, asshole authority figure in General Lane attacking Superman on his own property and Superman is there defending it in ways that would make George Washington himself proud. I almost felt like raising a flag over my front door, saluting it, and singing the star spangled banner. Unfortunately, I could not find my pants or my keys. There was a time in comics where Superman never went against the American government and the American government didn't go against its citizens, provided they were white, Christian, tax-paying, working, married, straight, and whatever traits wouldn't get them lynched by the KKK. But this is the post George W. Bush America where freedom means only as much as what the NSA, the DEA, the FBI, and Congress agrees. For Superman, he has the power to give a massive middle finger to this kind of bullshit freedom and embrace the truly American freedoms. The NRA might bitch and complain that he didn't defend his property with an assault rifle, but I'm pretty sure Superman gave them the finger too in standing up to the All-American asshole that is General Lane. My patriotism is literally oozing out of every pore here and I proudly give Superman Unchained #7 a very American 9 out of 10. So for all the patriots out there, turns off Fox News and stop giving Cliven Bundy the attention he doesn't deserve. Pick up this comic and see what true American values look like. It wears red and blue, it kicks the asses of invading armies, and it hooks up with pretty Greek demigoddesses. What could be more American than that? Nuff said!

Deconstructing Superman's Philosophy: Superman Unchained #6

The following is my review of Superman Unchained #6, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When it comes to battling Superman, history shows that beating him physically is like trying to win a tug-of-war with a black hole. He has taken on aliens, gods, evil geniuses, deranged clones, and a whole host of other threats that the Lex Luthors of the world can only fantasize about. But Superman has his share of vulnerabilities. Kryptonite is the most well-known and the method of choice for those looking to bring the Man of Steel down a peg. But there is another vulnerability that is rarely attacked. It may not make Superman as weak as a mountain of Kryptonite, but it can shake the foundation of who he is and why he does what he does down to its core. It’s a vulnerability that even Lex Luthor usually doesn’t exploit, if only because it seems so underhanded for someone of his genius. But in Superman Unchained #6, this vulnerability is attacked on an unprecedented level. And for once, Superman’s power and ideals cannot protect him.

When Superman Unchained began, Superman faced yet another physically demanding challenge from Ascension. On the surface, Ascension isn’t too different from the usual run-of-the-mill terrorists. They see all this progress and civilization in the same way a pyromaniac sees a pile of matches and a gallon of gasoline. It’s just meant to be destroyed. So using alien technology, they launch every nuclear missile on the planet. It sounds like the kind of thing Lex Luthor would do when he’s bored on a Saturday afternoon. But what Ascension does isn’t the greatest source of conflict. Them capturing Lois Lane isn’t even cause for much conflict. The true meat of the story comes from Superman’s tentative ally/enemy, Wraith.

In many ways, Wraith is an eerie reflection of Superman. He’s no Bizarro and not just because he can speak in complete sentences. He has Superman’s power and even shares his desire to use it for the greater good. But the concept of “the greater good” is very different for Wraith. Part of what makes Superman such an icon and an ideal is his willingness to save the whole world and everybody in it. This all seems so noble and for the most part it is. But in the same way communism sounds good on paper, that nobility hides an unpleasant complication to Superman’s approach to his mission.

This approach has to do with serving mankind in a more pragmatic way. Wraith constantly berates Superman about making hard decisions. For Wraith, that means allying himself with the likes of General Lane and the United States military. To Superman, that makes him a puppet whose strings are attached to easily corruptible men. Any old liberal would probably agree with that. However, this is what makes Wraith’s decision so hard. He understands that allying himself with General Lane is dangerous and makes him prone to acting as their trained pit-bull. But he’s willing to accept that danger in order to serve the greater good.

General Lane already showed Superman just how much good Wraith has done over the past few decades. He goes so far as to call Superman a coward for choosing to be adored by the world rather than getting his hands dirty and actually changing the world for the better. And he’s not wrong either. He and Wraith look at Superman like a man with a gun aimed at someone who is about to kill an innocent bystander. Superman would rather not fire that gun and not take that life, even if it means putting that bystander at risk. It’s difficult for someone who isn’t a four-star general to see because nobody ever hears about a war that is averted or a crime that is never committed. Superman has the power to stop those wars and those crimes, but he chooses not to.

That’s not to say that General Lane and Wraith’s choices are somehow more noble than Superman. When Ascension launches the missiles, Wraith’s first inclination is to protect the United States from destruction. That’s where he chose to place his loyalty. That means he is loyal to protect only one house from the path of a hurricane rather than save the neighborhood. But Superman goes after Ascension and once again defies all odds to stop every nuclear missile. This effectively demonstrates why Superman’s approach has merit. By not allying himself with only a segment of humanity, he is better able to save the entire world when it is threatened. Wraith thinks locally. Superman thinks globally. That’s what sets them apart, aside from Wraith looking like a World of Warcraft monster.

Superman Unchained #6 acts as a response of sorts to General Lane’s challenge for Superman. By not making the same choice as Wraith, he is able to save the world. Wraith didn’t even try to save the world. The puppet strings that General Lane attached wouldn’t allow him. But Superman takes it a step further. When Wraith comes back to attack him, Superman shows that being an idealist doesn’t mean he can’t be cunning. With help from Batman, he humbles Wraith in a way that is probably more satisfying than Superman would ever admit. He essentially finds Wraith’s version of Kryptonite and shoves it in his face. It doesn’t completely undermine Wraith’s approach, but it makes clear that Superman doesn’t share it.

At the same time, however, this clash of philosophies feels incomplete. Wraith gave his reasons for doing what he does. Now Superman has given his. But neither one of them really confronts the flaws in their approach. They both come off as stubborn. They choose to resort to mindless fighting as if that ever won an argument outside a boxing ring. That takes away from the larger conflict that has linked all the physical struggles that have manifested throughout Superman Unchained. But by the end of Superman Unchained #6, both sides show that they’re as cunning as they are stubborn so this philosophical divide might not be over. It’s a divide that can’t be resolved by resorting to Kryptonite, but for now it seems to be the favored approach.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Justice League #12 - The Kiss That Shocked (and Aroused) The World

I know it's been a long time since I reviewed a DC comic on this blog. If you haven't killed as many brain cells as I have, you would remember that there was a time when I reviewed DC comics regularly on this blog. Hell, I reviewed the entire fucking Brightest Day series from beginning to end. There are a number of reasons why I had to stop reviewing DC comics, most of which involved having too little time and a shitty meth dealer who shall go nameless. But just because I haven't been reviewing too many DC comics doesn't mean I've stopped reading them. Hell, since the New 52 began, I've been reading more DC comics than I have since Brightest Day. I haven't had too many opportunities to review any of them, mostly because there's been so much crazy shit going on in Marvel involving cosmic parrots and red-haired, green eyed women NOT named Jean Grey. But then something came along that actually made national fucking news and I just couldn't hold my wad anymore.

A few weeks ago, I reported that DC leaked the ending of Justice League #12 by saying Superman and Wonder Woman would hook up. And this shit wasn't just big news for comics. This shit made national fucking headlines. Apparently, it's a big fucking deal with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time hooks up with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time in a way that's not some cheap gimmick. It's been pointed out by a number of major sources that the idea of Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies is not new. But most of the time, it turns out to be a ruse or part of some alternate universe. And in comics, alternate universes are basically glorified fanfiction minus the part where the writers don't get paid jack shit for all their work. When this shit happens in the main continuity, it tends to either royally fuck up the main series or take it in a bold new direction or a mixture of the two. Seeing as how Superman's penis has been exclusively reserved for Lois Lane since the fucking Great Depression, it is a big fucking deal when that relationship is essentially ditched so something new and potentially bonerific is introduced. As such, I'm prepared to end my long sabbatical on reviewing DC comics and post a full review of Justice League #12.

Now it would take me at least six blog posts to cover all the shit that has happened since the New 52 began. I only reviewed some of the early issues and a lot has happened since then to say the very least. So for the sake of the assholes who claim I'm not attentive to detail, here's a quick rundown of what's been going on in Justice League. The first arc was basically a prelude, a look back five years into the past when superheroes were still a novel concept and before anyone thought Apple could make a decent smart phone. The next arc and the one that's culminating in Justice League #12 depicts the fucked up logistics of having a superhero team in the world of youtube, TMZ, and a Congress with a lower approval rating than Todd Akin's support with women voters. The early issues shows how this has royally fucked up the life of Colonel Steve Trevor, who historically has been Wonder Woman's closest parallel to what Lois Lane is to Superman. While Trevor does come off as a douche at times, you can't help but feel sorry for the guy because he flat out told Wonder Woman he was in love with her and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fuck, and I just thought men only loved certain parts of a woman." Okay, so maybe she was nicer about it, but you get the idea.

The point of the Steve Trevor story is that he's basically the public whipping boy for the Justice League. He's like Lindsey Lohan's publicist, having to do the impossible and give the impression that it's okay to trust the League implicitly with protecting the world without any kind of governmental oversight. He might as well be tasked with convincing the entire Catholic Church that God wants them to jerk off to gay porn for six hours a day. Well in addition to having this impossible job, Steve Trevor also makes himself a target by being the official PR guy for the League. But not to your typical bad guys like Lex Luthor, Braniac, or the Christian Coalition.

The second arc of Justice League deals with a villain that's a bit more devious and a bit more fucked up than your typical bad guy. He actually showed up in the first arc. Back then, he was just David Graves. After the Justice League took on Darkseid, he wrote a book that sold better than 50 Shades of Grey and Harry Potter combined that basically made the Justice League out to be modern day gods. You would think this guy would be the last person to fall in with a bad crowd and you would also have to believe that good people don't routinely get screwed over in both comics and the real world. If you sincerely believe that, stop taking whatever pills you are taking and see a neurosurgeon right away.

The past few issues of Justice League have shown how David Graves has not only lost his mind, but basically been fucked over worse than the guy who invested all his money in Facebook stock. His wife and children were overcome with a mysterious illness that killed them all. Then he got sick and was on the verge of dying as well. And in his twisted mind of illness and agony (and probably some kickass prescription drugs, he blamed the Justice League for his suffering). So he hatched this elaborate scheme that may or may not be a side-effect of said drugs to go to this mystical place called Mount Sumeru where the souls of the dead allegedly wait to be judged before entering the afterlife. It's basically what the Catholic Church thinks happens when you die, minus the part where Jesus drop kicks gays into Hell. From there, he somehow managed to tap into the power of this mystical place to become this walking death cult. He used his power to kidnap Steve Trevor and torture him so he could get to the Justice League and lure them to Mount Sumeru. It actually worked remarkably well, once again vindicating Dick Cheney's justifications for torture.

Justice League #12 doesn't start off with Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies, but mainly continues this story with David Graves as the League confronts his newfound death-loving powers. Now at Mount Sumeru, he's able to haunt them with ghostly images of their friends and loved ones. Superman sees his parents, Batman sees his parents, Green Lantern sees his father, and...okay, you can probably figure out the rest. And Wonder Woman sees Steve Trevor, who she promised to save but ends up being too late. So not only did she break his heart and his balls, but she got his ass killed. It creates the kind of psychological torture that the League is not equipped to handle and makes for a very spooky scene that allows Jim Lee to once again show why he's the comic book art equivalent of Pablo Picasso.

But Graves isn't just out to torment the Justice League with ghostly images of their loved ones. He actually tries to come off as sympathetic by saying he plans on destroying Mount Sumeru so that the spirits of the dead would be free to reunite with their relatives. It sounds noble on paper, even if Graves looks like something Freddy Kruger shat out on one of his victims. But it also leaves me wondering if that was his goal all along, then why the fuck get the Justice League involved? I get that he blames them for killing his family, but why invite them to party before the keg has been tapped? He's just asking for trouble. So while Geoff Johns and Jim Lee make an admirable effort to have Graves appear as sympathetic, he just comes off as a dumb ass.

As expected, Grave's piss poor planning comes back to bite him. While he appears to have the Justice League under his thumb, he conveniently forgets that he didn't torture Steve Trevor enough. He shows up in the fight looking like someone who just went 15 rounds with Mike Tysons and Muhammad Ali on meth armed with only a gun. And not some magic, ghost-killing gun. I'm talking the same gun Rick Perry probably keeps under his pillow. It seems less gutsy and more batshit insane. Graves just subdued the fucking Justice League. Yet Steve Trevor thinks he can take him on? He may not be worthy of Wonder Woman's pussy, but he's still worthy of plenty of respect.

The arrival of Steve Trevor does more than just throw off Graves and remind him why good villains are more thorough when it comes to torturing innocent people. It inspires the Justice League to fight back. They now know that these ghostly forms that appear to be their loved ones aren't real. In fact, they aren't even ghosts. They're called Petras, which are essentially the spiritual equivalent of tapeworms. They feed off the spirits of their victims in the same way Jerry Springer feeds off the tears of redneck transvestite strippers. That just means the Justice League won't have to deal with a touch of guilt in crushing them. Plus, it gives Wonder Woman a window with which to beat the shit out of Graves. Even though he's a misguided old man, you don't win any fucking sympathy from a woman scorned.

It's a quick, flashy fight. Almost too quick in some ways because Graves really is in no position to put up a fight. He's not fucking Lex Luthor or Darkseid. He's a sick old man for whom senility has kicked his ass. Even though Johns and Lee still try to make him come off as sympathetic as he begs the Justice League to kill him, you still don't feel too bad when the League just watches him squirm. And any sympathy you might have had for Graves pretty much goes out the window when Batman points out that he knew these ghostly parasites weren't his family. He just didn't want to believe it. And since Batman is the one saying it, he's got no hope of arguing. He might as well be OJ Simpson speaking out against spousal abuse. So in the end Graves wasn't misguided. He was just batshit insane. And I think the Justice League has enough of those in their rogue's gallery.

Later on after the League gets tired of watching an old man whine like a little bitch, Wonder Woman catches up with Steve Trevor in the hospital. It's a tense moment, but one the readers were probably expecting after seeing the cover. In order for Wonder Woman to swap spit with Superman, she needs to set aside Steve Trevor. She tries to play up the Peter Parker angle, which became defunct after One More Day. She says just knowing her led to his torture and she just can't have that. She can't have a guy close to her who is so fragile that the muscles in her pinkie toe could sever his spine. And she's pretty cold about it too, saying she doesn't want him to be the League's liaison anymore. So not only is she dumping his ass for a second time. She's firing him as well. Even Ann Coulter would raise an eyebrow at this point.

But she doesn't come off as entirely cold. Wonder Woman makes it clear that she still cares about Steve and doesn't want him to get hurt. He then points out that he's a soldier. Getting hurt is part of the job description and he was putting his ass on the line long before he was checking out hers. In the end he's the one that tells her off, saying she can go ahead with finding a new liaison. But she's running scared in a way that isn't very warrior-like. So even though he's wounded, he sounds like the one with the balls. And against Wonder Woman, that's saying something.

Without Steve Trevor or some pretty face to keep Congress and the UN off their backs, the Justice League is stuck doing damage control on their own. If that weren't tedious enough, Batman points out that they may have actually been responsible for what happened to Grave's family. So in some respects he wasn't completely insane in claiming that the League screwed him over. Granted, it was a result of him being too close to Darkseid's omega beam, but I guess it's just easier to torment the Justice League than it is Darkseid. But in the course of this battle, the League is hit with some rather lousy press due to footage of them fighting leaking out into the media. And in the era of youtube and Fox News, even heroes/gods get belittled by the Glenn Becks of the world. They're forced to conclude that they need to get their shit together and without Steve Trevor. Green Lantern decides to use a temporary fix by having him take the fall for the fight and quit the league. It's like solving a stubbed toe by cutting it off. It's a bit excessive, but when you're dealing with government and media there's no such thing as subtle.

Now the stage is finally set for the big moment. Wonder Woman has left Steve Trevor at the hospital upset, demoralized, and saddened. So she skips the meeting with the rest of the Justice League and sets up shop on top of the Lincoln Memorial. Superman, who probably doesn't care to see Batman explain how fucked the League is either, catches up with her and tries to cheer her up. It doesn't sound like he intends to swap some bodily fluids, but it's clear they're both quite vulnerable. Wonder Woman talks about how confusing relationships are. It's easy to forget that she comes from an island of warrior women for whom men are either target practice or sperm factories. She doesn't know the first thing about how a man and a woman can get along. I'm pretty sure nobody in the history of the world has ever been able to understand that shit, but given where she came from her confusion is understandable.

Superman tries to be Superman and say all the right things. He points out that relationships are even more complicated since they aren't even close to being normal. He's an alien from another world. She's a woman from a mystical island of warrior women. They really don't have anyone in the world to relate to. There's no dating sight for people like them. Even though Superman has an alternate ego in Clark Kent, that ego is essentially a mask. In the New 52, nobody knows Clark Kent is Superman. Both his parents are dead. His relationship with Lois has been One More Dayed. He's alone in the same way Wonder Woman is alone. She's Zeus's daughter and her own sisters consider her an abomination. That and her mother fucking lied to her for most of her life. She's got nobody to turn to. So when they each establish how alone they are, what happens next is neither surprising nor unfitting.

It happens. Superman and Wonder Woman kiss. For once, the cover was not a bullshit ruse. DC is basically telling Marvel here to take all their phony Jean Grey covers and fuck off. Because in this moment where Superman and Wonder Woman come together, it doesn't feel like a gimmick or just something for fanfiction writers to turn into porn. These two characters are very alone in the New 52. They have nobody they can get close to. They have nobody they can share all their intimate secrets with. They already work together and trust each other in the Justice League. It may not be the best set of circumstances under which to hook up, but they definitely work. They work in ways that'll bring a tear to your eye while making your dick or clit hard as a slab of granite. For everything DC has done in the build-up to this moment with all the news coverage and what not, it still makes for an immensely satisfying scene.

I'll give fanboys and fanfiction writes a moment to contemplate how they can turn the previous scene into something they can jerk off to. It would have been a nice way for the issue to end, but it would have also been too fucking sappy. This is a Justice League comic in the post New 52 eras. It's not a massage parlor in Bankok where a happy ending is expected. There always has to be room for some more to stench up the story down the line and this issue is no exception. The final scene revisits Graves in a prison, who is still sick and dying and understandably pissed at the Justice League. So it's a given that someone like Amanda Waller will come along and ask him to write another book. She already gives him a title, "How to Destroy the Justice League." Speaking as someone who has been motivated to write some pretty fucked up shit in the past, I can say that when you're sick and pissed off you're not going to hold back. And with Graves, it's a given that there will be a lot less dick and boob jokes.

Whenever a comic promises to get everybody talking, it's normal for readers to roll their eyes and give it no more credence than those annoying male enhancement commercials. You wish it were true, but assume it's largely bullshit because more often than not it is. Well this time, it's not bullshit. This comic may not make your dick a foot long, but it delivers when it claims it'll get people talking. Getting mentioned by major news outlets and fucking Good Morning America definitely qualifies. It doesn't just show Superman and Wonder Woman sharing a friendly smooch at a vulnerable moment. It actually establishes that these two can and will have an actual relationship in DC's New 52 universe.

This opens the floodgates to all sorts of stories, 2/3rds of which involve the kind of damage these two could do if they start experimenting with thrill sex. Granted, Johns and Lee didn't drop a whole lot of hints regarding these two early on in the arc. However, the possibility was there. And the way it came together in this issue made it so there didn't need to be the kind of playful flirting that Hugh Grant made boring in every romantic comedy ever made. It may not be the best circumstances for a relationship. Hell, it probably would make for a better one-night stand or summer fling when you get right down to it, but the potential is still there. And fuck if the possibilities don't make my dick harder than a jackhammer in a diamond mine.

Now as for the comic as a whole, there is more at work than just Superman and Wonder Woman kissing if you can believe that. It did effectively end the arc with Graves and it moved the story forward with the Justice League, making it so they're now vulnerable in a way that's not going to work to their advantage to say the least. The world no longer thinks they're gods worthy of the same loyalty that Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber enjoy. They've also pissed off someone who was once a close ally in Steve Trevor, who has both the means and the motivation to fuck with them in the near future. The story, aside from inspiring fanfiction writers to do superpowered sex scenes, establishes an uncertain environment for the Justice League that promises to lead to some increasingly volatile conflicts at the very least.

If there is a flaw in this development, it's that it seems to be somewhat underplayed and not just because of the Superman/Wonder Woman kiss. Johns seemed to make too much of an effort to make Graves come off as sympathetic. And the whole battle between the League and these ghostly illusions of their loved ones didn't have the kind of epic feel that it should have. You never got the sense that the League was really tormented by these visions. When it was over, they basically shrugged it off. Only Wonder Woman seemed to be really effected. But in the end, the point of the story wasn't the battle. It was the consequences of the battle. It may not be as action packed as a battle against Darkseid, but it's still pretty damn awesome. For that, I give Justice League #12 a 4 out of 5.

It feels good to review a DC comic again and it feels good to see DC taking a chance with Superman and Wonder Woman. I've made my opinion on the relationship pretty clear and I pray to Odin that DC doesn't screw it up. These are two of the most iconic heroes in the history of comics. To screw them up at this point is to shit on the hearts of several generations of comic fans. Best of luck to you, DC! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a box of Kleenexes and a bottle of lube with my name on it. Nuff said!

It's Official: Superman and Wonder Woman Are Hooking Up!

I know it's been a long time since I posted anything DC related on this blog. Don't blame me. It's not my fault the days aren't long enough and humans have to do shit like sleep, eat, and fuck in between writing kick-ass comic reviews. But don't think just because I review only Marvel titles on my blog means I've lost any love for DC Comics. Ever since the New 52, I've been more neck deep in the DCU than I've been in years. Books like Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, and Justice League have been steady suppliers of awesome. Hell, Catwoman is worth buying just to see her bone Batman!

But every so often, some news comes along that requires me to take a break from getting drunk and hiding from my ex-girlfriends (or their fathers) that I just have to talk about. This news doesn't involve another relaunch, reboot, or whatever the hell DC calls it. It involves superhero romance. No self-respecting, red-meat loving, porno-watching fanboy will admit it, but they get very passionate about their favorite heroes' love lives. We all have an inner Twilight fan in all of us, minus the terrible story and graphically bloody childbirth. When our heroes bone someone or stop boning them, it resonates on a level akin to watching out favorite porn stars bone. DC seems to know this has decided to finally do what every fanfiction writer and porn parody has dreamed of doing. They're hooking up Superman and Wonder Woman.

Now DC is claiming this shit is no fluke. It's not one of those lame ass teases that we've seen many times before (see Action Comics #600). It's not one of those dream-like sequences that Wolverine probably has about Jean Grey whenever he's left alone in a room with a box of tissues and a bottle of lube. Geoff Johns and Jim Lee are saying this is the real deal. Superman and Wonder Woman are actually going to be an item.

If the concept of these two hooking up never crossed your mind, then please stop reading this blog right now and look up the world's greatest neurosurgeon because something is horribly wrong with your brain. This has been one of those relationships that seems so fucking obvious. They're both superheroes, they work on the same team, they're super strong and super durable, and they're both ideals for their gender. Why shouldn't they hook up? Well part of the problem if you can call it that is that Superman has always been linked to Lois Lane. Going all the way back to the days republicans think were better, they're romance has always trumped every other romance. It left Superman and Wonder Woman as that concept that would make for good fanfiction by writers with drinking problems and too much free time, but not for a legitimate story.

Well the New 52 changed all that. It not only One More Dayed Superman's marriage with Lois without having to make a deal with the fucking devil, it set up a world where Superman was more alien than human. In recent comics, he's been struggling to relate to damn near everyone. Wonder Woman isn't much different. She just found out she's yet another bastard love child from Zeus and that doesn't sit right. So what do you do when you're messed up? You either drink or try to get laid. Since DC doesn't like having heroes like Superman and Wonder Woman get drunk, that leaves only one option.

Now I consider myself to be somewhat old school when it comes to comic book romances. I always have a soft spot for the classics like Superman/Lois, Reed/Sue, Cyclops/Jean, and Peter/Mary Jane (fuck you, Mephisto). However, I'm of the opinion that any relationship can be made to work if it's written well enough. So I believe completely that Superman and Wonder Woman can work. Now I don't think they could ever work the way Superman and Lois did. I think that in the long run, Superman will always end up with Lois just as I'll always end up drunk at a bar on St. Patrick's Day. But that doesn't mean there can't be some soap opera in between.

So DC is finally doing it. They're going to give Superman and Wonder Woman a shot. I guess that only leaves one question now. How are they going to handle the unavoidable desire of fanboys to see these two fuck? Moreover, how hot can such heroic fucking be with these two? The world shall tremble in more ways than one. If nothing else, it'll give fanfiction writers a few more lurid ideas that they may or may not have had to begin with. Nuff said!

Justice League #1 - Rebooting Awesome

There comes a time in every drunk's life when he wakes up from a black out, his pants are around his ankles, there's some ugly tranny hooker in his bed, and there's some greenish brown stain on his shirt with a smell that can't quite be identified. Now aside from needing another dose of antibiotics for my ass (again), that new clarity is a refreshing feeling. That is after I finish puking. It's a clarity I liken to a reboot. It's not clean. It's not pleasant. It can get pretty damn ugly at times and you end up with scabs on your ass that take months to heal. But you know what? It can be worth it.

I've been talking about the DC reboot with my typical drunken ramblings for some time now. I've had mixed feelings about it, but unlike my failed AA meetings I've vowed to give this a chance. I haven't been an ardent follower of DC comics for a long time. In fact, it wasn't until Blackest Night that I started getting interested again. But even then, the DCU was harder to follow than the plot of the last two Matrix movies and that was without Keanu Reeves's shitty acting. There were gems like Superman, Brightest Day, and Batman Beyond. However, those gems were mixed with mixed with a lot of other clutter that could be a great subject for another episode of hoarders.

Enter Flashpoint. This is DC betting the house, their underwear, and their grandmother's pension on a complete revamp of all their books. This isn't your typical aftermath shit that every event has done since the original Crisis back in the 80s. This a new ball game with a new umpire, a new set of rules, and a whole new arsenal of dicks to fuck with readers. But at the same time it's new, it's fresh, it's different, and it's modernized. How it happened is fucked up. Basically, Flash pulled something that was only slightly lamer than the fucking continuity punch by Superboy. He merged with the speed force and kind of shattered history. And by kinda I mean he fucking date raped it so now we're starting over from square one. I could go on any number of rants about how that was handled, but I would need more booze than a Led Zeppline tour bus. So I'll spare my liver the torment and skip right to the relaunch.

It begins with Justice League #1. This is the book where it starts. It has Geoff Johns and Jim Lee at the helm, which is the equivalent of putting Shakespeare and Michelangelo on the same project. It's as all in you can be with your pants still on. We begin with a new world that really doesn't know superheroes. It's stated outright in the first few words that the events of this arc take place 5 years in the past. So this is how the Justice League came together. It's basically like Batman Begins without having to go through Batman and Robin. Fittingly enough, it involves Batman getting shot at. Remember, no Justice League so when a guy in a cape is running through a city like Gotham the standard protocol for the police is to shoot first and make excuses later. So they're basically the modern day DEA.

Now Batman isn't just outrunning the helicopters for the exercise, although knowing him he probably could. The reason for the bullet shower is a mysterious monster in a cloak that looks like a hooker that just left Charlie Sheen's house. Batman caught him stirring up shit in his city and that's all you need to get on Batman's shit list. So despite a helicopter shooting at him, he still chases the creature. If I was the creature, I'd be shitting my pants. There's some great action moments here. Jim Lee's art really shines and it's a very detailed, very vivid scene. It's like walking in on a cat fight with two hot women already having stripped each other down to their underwear. It's a beautiful thing.

This rooftop chase gets ugly quickly as shit starts going boom. The creature, not unlike a drunk Mel Gibson, gets pretty volatile and is ready to go on an anti-Semitic rant that would earn him a marriage proposal from Iran. It's not the kind of shit that Batman deals with. Then he gets help in the form of a glowing green fire truck. No he doesn't ingest a shitload of magic mushrooms. Everybody knows you only see yellow fire trucks on those. These come courtesy of the Green Lantern. Apparently, a rooftop brawl with a monster looking ready to explode is hard to ignore. So he deals with it in a way only slightly less subtle than waving your dick in the face of the President.

Now despite having his ass saved, Batman is pretty pissed. He doesn't much care for Green Lantern's approach of using giant glowing green projections and not because it's more tacky than a light show at Disney World. Remember those helicopters that were chasing him earlier? Well when they see glowing green shit, they have even more reason to shoot and probably quit drinking. Green Lantern, being the self-confident son-of-a-bitch he is at this point, doesn't break a sweat in blocking their attack. But Batman is still pissed. Then again, he's pissed most of the time anyways so I don't see why it matters.

This scene also highlights an important element of the story. Batman and Green Lantern operate on completely different wavelengths. Batman works within the shadows using stealth and cunning. Green Lantern dresses like a walking traffic signal that can be seen from space. One uses wits. The other uses firepower and smugness. In other words, they're not superfriends. They're heroes, but they get on each others' nerves. In other words, welcome to the new DC people! Where superheroes annoy each other and somehow make it look awesome!

Now annoying each other has another effect. Remember that monster that Batman was facing? Well they apparently weren't annoying it enough because it got up from Green Lantern's little firetruck stunt. Then it turned it's sights on the helicopters, which in the monster's defense were still shooting. So it does what any monster would logically do. It shoots back and the helicopters really don't stand a chance. This being DC, Green Lantern doesn't let them become street pizza. He and Batman stop annoying each other and decide to go after the creature.

As they go after it, they have a more formal introduction. And by formal I mean they look at one another the same way they would look at a hobo beating off in the middle of a street. Batman is clearly trying not to scoff when Green Lantern tells him he's a space cop and that the creature he was chasing was part of an extraterrestrial incursion. Batman doesn't give a damn about that. The creature was still in his city so ET can go screw himself. If that weren't annoying enough, Green Lantern finds it hard to believe that Batman has no superpowers. He's just a guy in a costume. It's a great moment and one of the most memorable of the issue.

Now this is somewhat taboo in DC, pointing out that Batman has no powers. It's like being in an all-girls school, but you know that one girl that is clearly a boy that nobody talks about. It's just easier to ignore it and pretend it isn't an issue. It's a subtle yet fitting way to show that this is a true relaunch. This kind of shit won't be ignored this time and why not? It's the 21st century. We're not as politically correct as we used to be. Thanks a lot Fox News!

Again, the bickering seems to distract that they're chasing an alien. Using the same gags twice in one issue? That's enough to make it seem old already. But again, they drop the macho shit and go after the creature. Again, shit starts blowing up. This time it does so with a message. That message reveals who the big bad guy is that brought the Justice League together in the first place. It's Darkseid. To them, it's sounds like a bad punk band from New Jersey. To DC Comics, it's the heavyweight of bad guys. If you're going to come out with a big opening story, why not bring a juiced up Barry Bonds to the plate? DC wants to swing for the fences, substance abuse regulations be damned!

More reused gimmicks enter the picture. Seriously, it's like they're copying and pasting. Green Lantern's ring saves them again by shielding them from the blast. The creature is gone, but some creepy alien gizmo is left behind. Batman and Green Lantern look at it the same way kids today look at a Walkman made in the 80s. They determine that it's an alien computer. They immediately link it with the only other alien that is well known to them, which happens to be Superman. To DC fans it sounds stupid, connecting an alien monster to Mr. Truth, Justice, and Sarah Palin's masturbatory fantasies. But again, this is a new DC. They don't know each other and they don't know Superman. For all they know Superman is a threat. So instead of going after Darkseid, they go after Superman. It's about as efficient as it sounds.

As they being their search for Superman, we're introduced to a Vic Stone. For all you non DC folk, that's Cyborg but since this is 5 years ago he's not a Cyborg. He's just your typical star high school athlete that's so good and so popular that he has USC and Ohio State throwing illegal benefits at him and cheerleaders throwing pussy at him in all directions. It's a bit unnecessary. It comes off as filler. It seems like a lousy way to introduce a character, but there is some effort to tie Vic into the story. His dad appears to work with superhero folk or at least guys with too much power for the government to tax. But still, it comes off as filler.

Now this scene does make the book drag somewhat. This being Justice League, there isn't that large scale that you would expect of a book like this. Even though it's an introduction arc, it feels like Geoff Johns and Jim Lee are taking their sweet time getting to the juicy bits. I'm glad they're being detailed and all, but for fans too ADD to appreciate those details it may feel like it's dragging ab it.

After Vic is done being distracted from being a star athlete with all the poon he could ever want, Green Lantern and Superman arrive in Metropolis aboard Green Lantern's glowing green jet. No, it's not an acid trip. That's actually how he travels. It's like riding in a pink pinto with a flashing billboard of Natlie Portman riding a bull naked on the back. It's the kind of shit that attracts attention and Batman reminds him (again) that it's a bad idea. But Green Lantern keeps playing the part of arrogant asshole and he plays it well, most likely a secret homage to Ryan Reynolds. And like Ryan Reynolds, readers want to punch him in the balls at this point.

Unfortunately for them, he's beaten to it by a familiar face. That would be Superman who with all his powers is more than capable of noticing a big ass green jet flying over his city. Now will Green Lantern admit that Batman was right? Probably not, but he has to stop shitting himself first because Superman has shown up and he makes sure Green Lantern's balls are sufficiently shriveled before he's an asshole again. It's a great moment and a great scene with Superman showing the kind of poise and ballisness that makes him history's most recognizable superhero.

Say what you will about all the shit between the beginning and the end. This whole comic is worth picking up just for that final page. These guys aren't the Superfriends yet. They don't know that they need to work together to stop an asshole like Darkseid yet. They're like a bunch of free agent athletes with over-bloated egos that were brought in on one team and can't get along. In other words they're like the Philadelphia Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys combined. You don't know how they're going to come together in the end. You just know that it's going to make for some awesome moments.

There's a lot to hope for in terms of the future for this comic. However, focusing on the present, the hype surrounding this book was just impossible to live up to. Geoff Johns and Jim Lee did something smart. They didn't rush the story. They didn't try to squeeze every character into one issue. They started by establishing the comic and introducing a few characters. These characters just happen to be very different from one another and get along about as well as Michelle Bachmann gets along with gay voters. It makes for a great exchange, but it doesn't make for an overall great story. It seems long-winded and tedious. Now it's great how they're taking it slow, but when a comic like this is overhyped it just comes off as underwhelming. I get it. It's hard NOT to make a big deal out of a comic like this, but setting the bar that high does cause problems that even the brilliance of Geoff Johns and Jim Lee can't solve.

This is still a worthy comic to relaunch a series. It could have been better, but it could have been a lot worse. It works. It leaves readers with the feeling that the best is just ahead. It succeeds in making the reader want to pick up the next issue, which for DC is really all they want. They got kids to feed and hookers to fuck. They need our money and with books like this, I'm more than happy to give it to them! That's why I give Justice League #1 a 4 out of 5. There's room for improvement and I'm confident that Johns and Lee can become the new Burt and Ernie of DC comics minus the gay innuendos. Nuff said!

X-men #1 - Mutants vs. Vampires Equals Awesome

It's a rare and beautiful thing when you see any comic with a #1 label for an issue. It's an especially beautiful thing for an X-men comic because it conjures up images of the classic Chris Claremont and Jim Lee #1. You know...the X-men #1 that sold over 8 million fucking copies. It was a rare collection of circumstances, but damn it if it wasn't awesome. That X-men #1 set the tone for an entire era of X-men comics and kicked so much ass most fans still can't sit down. So obviously any other X-men #1 that comes out has a lot to live up to. This past week even with Second Coming not over yet, the first X-men #1 in two decades came out. It's been hyped since C2E2 and it's being penned by a the legendary Victor Gischler.

Wait what? Victor Gischler? The Deadpool Corps guy? How the hell did he land this gig? If you're not confused you damn well should be. We're talking about X-men #1 here! The last one was penned by a comic book legend, Chris Claremont. That guy wrote X-men for over a decade and penned some of the most memorable stories in X-men history! This guy's only notable X-men work includes Deadpool Corps. Not to knock the guy, but with other big names like Brian Bendis, Ed Brubaker, Matt Fraction, Chris Yost, and Jeph Loeb you would think Marvel would try to tap some other names. After all, wasn't that part of what made the last X-men #1 a success? It does indeed baffle the average reader. But let's forget about who is writing this thing at the moment and focus on the story. That is what's important, right? It shouldn't matter who writes it.

The story does indeed take place after Second Coming. It doesn't spoil any big revelations other than Bastion is defeated, the X-men are still on Utopia, and the mutants that lost their powers on M-Day did not get them back. In that sense it really can't carry over any of the emotion or overall awesome that such a huge event brings. If anything, it seems as though this story could probably take place before Second Coming and still work. That's a big problem, but again let's try to give Vic the benefit of the doubt here.

The first scene brings back an old and familiar face who hasn't been involved with the X-men in a while: Jubilee. She still doesn't have her powers, but she's still the same lovable young girl fans know and love. She's just out having lunch with Pixie on a beautiful day. It seems so peaceful. Then a guy wearing what looks like bondage attire. Hey, this is still San Francisco so that kind of thing doesn't turn as many heads as it would if you were in Bumfuck, Texas or Wassila, Alaska. Yeah, it's going to be that kind of day.


Nobody takes notice of the guy. I think everyone is just assuming he's on his way to a kick-ass party on Castro street where he's about to become bitch of the decade. But the guy seems less interested in being the bitch and more interested in doing the fucking. So he just walks up to everybody who are just enjoying their lunch and blows himself up. Yeah, he's a suicide bomber and not looking for 72 virgins either. It's so remarkably contemporary that Glen Beck himself is probably off somewhere crying.


Cut to Fox News for some fair and balanced coverage...nah, just kidding! Go right to Utopia where Cyclops, Wolverine, and the X-men are taking this shit in. Now it's not clear at this point if this is just another religious wacko looking to terrorize a city that Nancy Polosi calls home or if it's something more exotic. Since it's X-men we're talking about here, it's something more exotic.

But the immediate concern isn't the bombing. The big concern is Jubilee, who was unlucky enough to get stuck at ground zero when the guy blew up. Only instead of being burnt to a crisp, she was splattered with blood and given a few mild injuries. That would only be gross if she didn't describe the guy as having exploded as soon as he was exposed to the sun. Thankfully, nobody asks the stupid question as to who or what this could be. Because if it takes more than three seconds to make a vampire link, you're either the victim of an impromptu lobotomy or you've been in a cave for the past five years with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears. Between True Blood and Twilight, you have no excuse.


There's no subtlety here. The vampires make their big entrance into the X-men's world. While they're figuring this shit out, a very non-Twilight creature emerges from the bay. Again, the people are remarkably calm when they see this thing. I guess the folks in San Francisco are hardened to this shit, but that doesn't stop a few people from being stupid enough to confront this beast because it's clearly no Edward Cullen.


While this bloodsucking asshole is making himself at home, the X-men get a nasty revelation from their science team. Jubilee has been infected by some exotic virus. That suicide bomber wasn't just trying to spread terror. He was trying to spread a virus the same way Tommy Lee tries to spread Hepatitis. Now she hasn't gone full vampire yet, but the prognosis isn't good. The virus is progressing rapidly and nobody knows what hell it's going to do to her. Whatever it does, it seems pretty clear that Jubilee is up to her neck in shit.


While Jubilee is becoming her own little Outbreak monkey, the vampires are gathering and already they look tougher than anything Twilight or True Blood can churn out (with the possible exception of Godric and Eric Northstram from True Blood). There aren't many of them and they're all being lead by that Doomsday look-a-like that emerged from the bay earlier. They seem to have been targeting Jubilee. They know what that virus is going to do to her and they're licking their chops, eager to see her join them. You know a group is creepy when they're eager to get a teenage girl to come to them.


Since Wolverine and the rest of the X-men don't take kindly to people who fuck with their friend, they go out to investigate. It doesn't take long for them to find out that vampires have established a presence in the city. They encounter a rough pack of familiars (who if you haven't seen the Blade movies are non-vampires who for whatever reason help them out) and break into an innocuous building. There, they encounter their first bloodsucker. It turns into a decent fight scene, but not quite as epic as you would expect for a book titled X-men #1.


It's some nice vampire action and it looks like more is brewing. Back on Utopia, Jubilee seems to know what she's in for and not liking it in the slightest. Being the stubborn teenager that she is, she tries to fight it. She actually goes outside and tries to sit in the sun when she knows she's about to become something that dies when exposed to sunlight. Even without her powers, Jubilee is still pretty fucking tough. But she's clearly changing. She snaps at Dr. Rao and is getting more fucked up by the second.


While she's trying to tough it out, Cyclops is learning more disturbing news about the virus. For one, it's not contagious. So that means they won't have to lock Jubilee up in a sealed chamber, which is kind of disappointing because you know she wouldn't go without a fight for that. He also learns that the virus is affecting her brain. It's going to start giving her cravings in the same way a pregnant woman craves bizarre shit every so often. She seems well on her way to joining the Twilight and True Blood crowds and not in a good way. But hey, at least she won't fucking sparkle.

Before more can be revealed, Wolverine calls in and reveals that they've found something pretty fucked up. Apparently, that suicide bomber wasn't the only one. There's a whole fucking place that seems to be manufacturing these assholes on an industrial scale. So that means that this blast wasn't just a one-time thing and Jubilee wasn't the only target. It sets things up nicely for a much bigger conflict.


So before I give the final score let me get this out of the way. This issue is good. It's a solid beginning to what could potentially be a great arc. The whole premise of mutants vs. vampires just breathes awesome. Me being a True Blood fan, I love the idea and I would love to see how it unfolds. That being said, this issue seems a wee bit out of place.

Like I said earlier, this is an X-men #1. That's what's on the cover. But seriously, this thing doesn't even come close to measuring up. It involves only a small part of the X-men, the plot is very narrow and focused, and it doesn't seem to be affecting any of the other more established X-titles. With a title like X-men #1 you would think this shit would be a bit bigger in scale. But it isn't. You could probably put this issue as the beginning of a new arc in Uncanny or X-men Legacy or even New Mutants and it would work just as well. Hell, you could just call the title Mutants vs. Vampires and that would work perfectly! It feels like an utter waste of an X-men #1 and a major downgrade compared to the Claremont/Lee #1. I get that the circumstances are different here in 2010, but an X-men #1 is so rare that a story like this just seems like an insult to the label. It's like saying your dick is huge before you fuck only to reveal you're no Ron Jeremy when you step up to the plate.

Were it not for the label on the cover, I would give this a much higher score. But given the context this title takes place in and the fact it is utterly irrelevant to the rest of the established titles, I can only give X-men #1 a 3.5 out of 5. It's a decent comic and a nice way to get vampires back into the Marvel Universe, but it simply wasn't right to call this X-men #1. It's a slap in the face to Chris Claremont and Jim Lee and fans who still have fond memories of 1991 will be painfully underwhelmed.