X-men #1 - Mutants vs. Vampires Equals Awesome

It's a rare and beautiful thing when you see any comic with a #1 label for an issue. It's an especially beautiful thing for an X-men comic because it conjures up images of the classic Chris Claremont and Jim Lee #1. You know...the X-men #1 that sold over 8 million fucking copies. It was a rare collection of circumstances, but damn it if it wasn't awesome. That X-men #1 set the tone for an entire era of X-men comics and kicked so much ass most fans still can't sit down. So obviously any other X-men #1 that comes out has a lot to live up to. This past week even with Second Coming not over yet, the first X-men #1 in two decades came out. It's been hyped since C2E2 and it's being penned by a the legendary Victor Gischler.

Wait what? Victor Gischler? The Deadpool Corps guy? How the hell did he land this gig? If you're not confused you damn well should be. We're talking about X-men #1 here! The last one was penned by a comic book legend, Chris Claremont. That guy wrote X-men for over a decade and penned some of the most memorable stories in X-men history! This guy's only notable X-men work includes Deadpool Corps. Not to knock the guy, but with other big names like Brian Bendis, Ed Brubaker, Matt Fraction, Chris Yost, and Jeph Loeb you would think Marvel would try to tap some other names. After all, wasn't that part of what made the last X-men #1 a success? It does indeed baffle the average reader. But let's forget about who is writing this thing at the moment and focus on the story. That is what's important, right? It shouldn't matter who writes it.

The story does indeed take place after Second Coming. It doesn't spoil any big revelations other than Bastion is defeated, the X-men are still on Utopia, and the mutants that lost their powers on M-Day did not get them back. In that sense it really can't carry over any of the emotion or overall awesome that such a huge event brings. If anything, it seems as though this story could probably take place before Second Coming and still work. That's a big problem, but again let's try to give Vic the benefit of the doubt here.

The first scene brings back an old and familiar face who hasn't been involved with the X-men in a while: Jubilee. She still doesn't have her powers, but she's still the same lovable young girl fans know and love. She's just out having lunch with Pixie on a beautiful day. It seems so peaceful. Then a guy wearing what looks like bondage attire. Hey, this is still San Francisco so that kind of thing doesn't turn as many heads as it would if you were in Bumfuck, Texas or Wassila, Alaska. Yeah, it's going to be that kind of day.


Nobody takes notice of the guy. I think everyone is just assuming he's on his way to a kick-ass party on Castro street where he's about to become bitch of the decade. But the guy seems less interested in being the bitch and more interested in doing the fucking. So he just walks up to everybody who are just enjoying their lunch and blows himself up. Yeah, he's a suicide bomber and not looking for 72 virgins either. It's so remarkably contemporary that Glen Beck himself is probably off somewhere crying.


Cut to Fox News for some fair and balanced coverage...nah, just kidding! Go right to Utopia where Cyclops, Wolverine, and the X-men are taking this shit in. Now it's not clear at this point if this is just another religious wacko looking to terrorize a city that Nancy Polosi calls home or if it's something more exotic. Since it's X-men we're talking about here, it's something more exotic.

But the immediate concern isn't the bombing. The big concern is Jubilee, who was unlucky enough to get stuck at ground zero when the guy blew up. Only instead of being burnt to a crisp, she was splattered with blood and given a few mild injuries. That would only be gross if she didn't describe the guy as having exploded as soon as he was exposed to the sun. Thankfully, nobody asks the stupid question as to who or what this could be. Because if it takes more than three seconds to make a vampire link, you're either the victim of an impromptu lobotomy or you've been in a cave for the past five years with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears. Between True Blood and Twilight, you have no excuse.


There's no subtlety here. The vampires make their big entrance into the X-men's world. While they're figuring this shit out, a very non-Twilight creature emerges from the bay. Again, the people are remarkably calm when they see this thing. I guess the folks in San Francisco are hardened to this shit, but that doesn't stop a few people from being stupid enough to confront this beast because it's clearly no Edward Cullen.


While this bloodsucking asshole is making himself at home, the X-men get a nasty revelation from their science team. Jubilee has been infected by some exotic virus. That suicide bomber wasn't just trying to spread terror. He was trying to spread a virus the same way Tommy Lee tries to spread Hepatitis. Now she hasn't gone full vampire yet, but the prognosis isn't good. The virus is progressing rapidly and nobody knows what hell it's going to do to her. Whatever it does, it seems pretty clear that Jubilee is up to her neck in shit.


While Jubilee is becoming her own little Outbreak monkey, the vampires are gathering and already they look tougher than anything Twilight or True Blood can churn out (with the possible exception of Godric and Eric Northstram from True Blood). There aren't many of them and they're all being lead by that Doomsday look-a-like that emerged from the bay earlier. They seem to have been targeting Jubilee. They know what that virus is going to do to her and they're licking their chops, eager to see her join them. You know a group is creepy when they're eager to get a teenage girl to come to them.


Since Wolverine and the rest of the X-men don't take kindly to people who fuck with their friend, they go out to investigate. It doesn't take long for them to find out that vampires have established a presence in the city. They encounter a rough pack of familiars (who if you haven't seen the Blade movies are non-vampires who for whatever reason help them out) and break into an innocuous building. There, they encounter their first bloodsucker. It turns into a decent fight scene, but not quite as epic as you would expect for a book titled X-men #1.


It's some nice vampire action and it looks like more is brewing. Back on Utopia, Jubilee seems to know what she's in for and not liking it in the slightest. Being the stubborn teenager that she is, she tries to fight it. She actually goes outside and tries to sit in the sun when she knows she's about to become something that dies when exposed to sunlight. Even without her powers, Jubilee is still pretty fucking tough. But she's clearly changing. She snaps at Dr. Rao and is getting more fucked up by the second.


While she's trying to tough it out, Cyclops is learning more disturbing news about the virus. For one, it's not contagious. So that means they won't have to lock Jubilee up in a sealed chamber, which is kind of disappointing because you know she wouldn't go without a fight for that. He also learns that the virus is affecting her brain. It's going to start giving her cravings in the same way a pregnant woman craves bizarre shit every so often. She seems well on her way to joining the Twilight and True Blood crowds and not in a good way. But hey, at least she won't fucking sparkle.

Before more can be revealed, Wolverine calls in and reveals that they've found something pretty fucked up. Apparently, that suicide bomber wasn't the only one. There's a whole fucking place that seems to be manufacturing these assholes on an industrial scale. So that means that this blast wasn't just a one-time thing and Jubilee wasn't the only target. It sets things up nicely for a much bigger conflict.


So before I give the final score let me get this out of the way. This issue is good. It's a solid beginning to what could potentially be a great arc. The whole premise of mutants vs. vampires just breathes awesome. Me being a True Blood fan, I love the idea and I would love to see how it unfolds. That being said, this issue seems a wee bit out of place.

Like I said earlier, this is an X-men #1. That's what's on the cover. But seriously, this thing doesn't even come close to measuring up. It involves only a small part of the X-men, the plot is very narrow and focused, and it doesn't seem to be affecting any of the other more established X-titles. With a title like X-men #1 you would think this shit would be a bit bigger in scale. But it isn't. You could probably put this issue as the beginning of a new arc in Uncanny or X-men Legacy or even New Mutants and it would work just as well. Hell, you could just call the title Mutants vs. Vampires and that would work perfectly! It feels like an utter waste of an X-men #1 and a major downgrade compared to the Claremont/Lee #1. I get that the circumstances are different here in 2010, but an X-men #1 is so rare that a story like this just seems like an insult to the label. It's like saying your dick is huge before you fuck only to reveal you're no Ron Jeremy when you step up to the plate.

Were it not for the label on the cover, I would give this a much higher score. But given the context this title takes place in and the fact it is utterly irrelevant to the rest of the established titles, I can only give X-men #1 a 3.5 out of 5. It's a decent comic and a nice way to get vampires back into the Marvel Universe, but it simply wasn't right to call this X-men #1. It's a slap in the face to Chris Claremont and Jim Lee and fans who still have fond memories of 1991 will be painfully underwhelmed.