Justice League #12 - The Kiss That Shocked (and Aroused) The World

I know it's been a long time since I reviewed a DC comic on this blog. If you haven't killed as many brain cells as I have, you would remember that there was a time when I reviewed DC comics regularly on this blog. Hell, I reviewed the entire fucking Brightest Day series from beginning to end. There are a number of reasons why I had to stop reviewing DC comics, most of which involved having too little time and a shitty meth dealer who shall go nameless. But just because I haven't been reviewing too many DC comics doesn't mean I've stopped reading them. Hell, since the New 52 began, I've been reading more DC comics than I have since Brightest Day. I haven't had too many opportunities to review any of them, mostly because there's been so much crazy shit going on in Marvel involving cosmic parrots and red-haired, green eyed women NOT named Jean Grey. But then something came along that actually made national fucking news and I just couldn't hold my wad anymore.

A few weeks ago, I reported that DC leaked the ending of Justice League #12 by saying Superman and Wonder Woman would hook up. And this shit wasn't just big news for comics. This shit made national fucking headlines. Apparently, it's a big fucking deal with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time hooks up with the most famous alpha male superhero of all time in a way that's not some cheap gimmick. It's been pointed out by a number of major sources that the idea of Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies is not new. But most of the time, it turns out to be a ruse or part of some alternate universe. And in comics, alternate universes are basically glorified fanfiction minus the part where the writers don't get paid jack shit for all their work. When this shit happens in the main continuity, it tends to either royally fuck up the main series or take it in a bold new direction or a mixture of the two. Seeing as how Superman's penis has been exclusively reserved for Lois Lane since the fucking Great Depression, it is a big fucking deal when that relationship is essentially ditched so something new and potentially bonerific is introduced. As such, I'm prepared to end my long sabbatical on reviewing DC comics and post a full review of Justice League #12.

Now it would take me at least six blog posts to cover all the shit that has happened since the New 52 began. I only reviewed some of the early issues and a lot has happened since then to say the very least. So for the sake of the assholes who claim I'm not attentive to detail, here's a quick rundown of what's been going on in Justice League. The first arc was basically a prelude, a look back five years into the past when superheroes were still a novel concept and before anyone thought Apple could make a decent smart phone. The next arc and the one that's culminating in Justice League #12 depicts the fucked up logistics of having a superhero team in the world of youtube, TMZ, and a Congress with a lower approval rating than Todd Akin's support with women voters. The early issues shows how this has royally fucked up the life of Colonel Steve Trevor, who historically has been Wonder Woman's closest parallel to what Lois Lane is to Superman. While Trevor does come off as a douche at times, you can't help but feel sorry for the guy because he flat out told Wonder Woman he was in love with her and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fuck, and I just thought men only loved certain parts of a woman." Okay, so maybe she was nicer about it, but you get the idea.

The point of the Steve Trevor story is that he's basically the public whipping boy for the Justice League. He's like Lindsey Lohan's publicist, having to do the impossible and give the impression that it's okay to trust the League implicitly with protecting the world without any kind of governmental oversight. He might as well be tasked with convincing the entire Catholic Church that God wants them to jerk off to gay porn for six hours a day. Well in addition to having this impossible job, Steve Trevor also makes himself a target by being the official PR guy for the League. But not to your typical bad guys like Lex Luthor, Braniac, or the Christian Coalition.

The second arc of Justice League deals with a villain that's a bit more devious and a bit more fucked up than your typical bad guy. He actually showed up in the first arc. Back then, he was just David Graves. After the Justice League took on Darkseid, he wrote a book that sold better than 50 Shades of Grey and Harry Potter combined that basically made the Justice League out to be modern day gods. You would think this guy would be the last person to fall in with a bad crowd and you would also have to believe that good people don't routinely get screwed over in both comics and the real world. If you sincerely believe that, stop taking whatever pills you are taking and see a neurosurgeon right away.

The past few issues of Justice League have shown how David Graves has not only lost his mind, but basically been fucked over worse than the guy who invested all his money in Facebook stock. His wife and children were overcome with a mysterious illness that killed them all. Then he got sick and was on the verge of dying as well. And in his twisted mind of illness and agony (and probably some kickass prescription drugs, he blamed the Justice League for his suffering). So he hatched this elaborate scheme that may or may not be a side-effect of said drugs to go to this mystical place called Mount Sumeru where the souls of the dead allegedly wait to be judged before entering the afterlife. It's basically what the Catholic Church thinks happens when you die, minus the part where Jesus drop kicks gays into Hell. From there, he somehow managed to tap into the power of this mystical place to become this walking death cult. He used his power to kidnap Steve Trevor and torture him so he could get to the Justice League and lure them to Mount Sumeru. It actually worked remarkably well, once again vindicating Dick Cheney's justifications for torture.

Justice League #12 doesn't start off with Superman and Wonder Woman bumping uglies, but mainly continues this story with David Graves as the League confronts his newfound death-loving powers. Now at Mount Sumeru, he's able to haunt them with ghostly images of their friends and loved ones. Superman sees his parents, Batman sees his parents, Green Lantern sees his father, and...okay, you can probably figure out the rest. And Wonder Woman sees Steve Trevor, who she promised to save but ends up being too late. So not only did she break his heart and his balls, but she got his ass killed. It creates the kind of psychological torture that the League is not equipped to handle and makes for a very spooky scene that allows Jim Lee to once again show why he's the comic book art equivalent of Pablo Picasso.

But Graves isn't just out to torment the Justice League with ghostly images of their loved ones. He actually tries to come off as sympathetic by saying he plans on destroying Mount Sumeru so that the spirits of the dead would be free to reunite with their relatives. It sounds noble on paper, even if Graves looks like something Freddy Kruger shat out on one of his victims. But it also leaves me wondering if that was his goal all along, then why the fuck get the Justice League involved? I get that he blames them for killing his family, but why invite them to party before the keg has been tapped? He's just asking for trouble. So while Geoff Johns and Jim Lee make an admirable effort to have Graves appear as sympathetic, he just comes off as a dumb ass.

As expected, Grave's piss poor planning comes back to bite him. While he appears to have the Justice League under his thumb, he conveniently forgets that he didn't torture Steve Trevor enough. He shows up in the fight looking like someone who just went 15 rounds with Mike Tysons and Muhammad Ali on meth armed with only a gun. And not some magic, ghost-killing gun. I'm talking the same gun Rick Perry probably keeps under his pillow. It seems less gutsy and more batshit insane. Graves just subdued the fucking Justice League. Yet Steve Trevor thinks he can take him on? He may not be worthy of Wonder Woman's pussy, but he's still worthy of plenty of respect.

The arrival of Steve Trevor does more than just throw off Graves and remind him why good villains are more thorough when it comes to torturing innocent people. It inspires the Justice League to fight back. They now know that these ghostly forms that appear to be their loved ones aren't real. In fact, they aren't even ghosts. They're called Petras, which are essentially the spiritual equivalent of tapeworms. They feed off the spirits of their victims in the same way Jerry Springer feeds off the tears of redneck transvestite strippers. That just means the Justice League won't have to deal with a touch of guilt in crushing them. Plus, it gives Wonder Woman a window with which to beat the shit out of Graves. Even though he's a misguided old man, you don't win any fucking sympathy from a woman scorned.

It's a quick, flashy fight. Almost too quick in some ways because Graves really is in no position to put up a fight. He's not fucking Lex Luthor or Darkseid. He's a sick old man for whom senility has kicked his ass. Even though Johns and Lee still try to make him come off as sympathetic as he begs the Justice League to kill him, you still don't feel too bad when the League just watches him squirm. And any sympathy you might have had for Graves pretty much goes out the window when Batman points out that he knew these ghostly parasites weren't his family. He just didn't want to believe it. And since Batman is the one saying it, he's got no hope of arguing. He might as well be OJ Simpson speaking out against spousal abuse. So in the end Graves wasn't misguided. He was just batshit insane. And I think the Justice League has enough of those in their rogue's gallery.

Later on after the League gets tired of watching an old man whine like a little bitch, Wonder Woman catches up with Steve Trevor in the hospital. It's a tense moment, but one the readers were probably expecting after seeing the cover. In order for Wonder Woman to swap spit with Superman, she needs to set aside Steve Trevor. She tries to play up the Peter Parker angle, which became defunct after One More Day. She says just knowing her led to his torture and she just can't have that. She can't have a guy close to her who is so fragile that the muscles in her pinkie toe could sever his spine. And she's pretty cold about it too, saying she doesn't want him to be the League's liaison anymore. So not only is she dumping his ass for a second time. She's firing him as well. Even Ann Coulter would raise an eyebrow at this point.

But she doesn't come off as entirely cold. Wonder Woman makes it clear that she still cares about Steve and doesn't want him to get hurt. He then points out that he's a soldier. Getting hurt is part of the job description and he was putting his ass on the line long before he was checking out hers. In the end he's the one that tells her off, saying she can go ahead with finding a new liaison. But she's running scared in a way that isn't very warrior-like. So even though he's wounded, he sounds like the one with the balls. And against Wonder Woman, that's saying something.

Without Steve Trevor or some pretty face to keep Congress and the UN off their backs, the Justice League is stuck doing damage control on their own. If that weren't tedious enough, Batman points out that they may have actually been responsible for what happened to Grave's family. So in some respects he wasn't completely insane in claiming that the League screwed him over. Granted, it was a result of him being too close to Darkseid's omega beam, but I guess it's just easier to torment the Justice League than it is Darkseid. But in the course of this battle, the League is hit with some rather lousy press due to footage of them fighting leaking out into the media. And in the era of youtube and Fox News, even heroes/gods get belittled by the Glenn Becks of the world. They're forced to conclude that they need to get their shit together and without Steve Trevor. Green Lantern decides to use a temporary fix by having him take the fall for the fight and quit the league. It's like solving a stubbed toe by cutting it off. It's a bit excessive, but when you're dealing with government and media there's no such thing as subtle.

Now the stage is finally set for the big moment. Wonder Woman has left Steve Trevor at the hospital upset, demoralized, and saddened. So she skips the meeting with the rest of the Justice League and sets up shop on top of the Lincoln Memorial. Superman, who probably doesn't care to see Batman explain how fucked the League is either, catches up with her and tries to cheer her up. It doesn't sound like he intends to swap some bodily fluids, but it's clear they're both quite vulnerable. Wonder Woman talks about how confusing relationships are. It's easy to forget that she comes from an island of warrior women for whom men are either target practice or sperm factories. She doesn't know the first thing about how a man and a woman can get along. I'm pretty sure nobody in the history of the world has ever been able to understand that shit, but given where she came from her confusion is understandable.

Superman tries to be Superman and say all the right things. He points out that relationships are even more complicated since they aren't even close to being normal. He's an alien from another world. She's a woman from a mystical island of warrior women. They really don't have anyone in the world to relate to. There's no dating sight for people like them. Even though Superman has an alternate ego in Clark Kent, that ego is essentially a mask. In the New 52, nobody knows Clark Kent is Superman. Both his parents are dead. His relationship with Lois has been One More Dayed. He's alone in the same way Wonder Woman is alone. She's Zeus's daughter and her own sisters consider her an abomination. That and her mother fucking lied to her for most of her life. She's got nobody to turn to. So when they each establish how alone they are, what happens next is neither surprising nor unfitting.

It happens. Superman and Wonder Woman kiss. For once, the cover was not a bullshit ruse. DC is basically telling Marvel here to take all their phony Jean Grey covers and fuck off. Because in this moment where Superman and Wonder Woman come together, it doesn't feel like a gimmick or just something for fanfiction writers to turn into porn. These two characters are very alone in the New 52. They have nobody they can get close to. They have nobody they can share all their intimate secrets with. They already work together and trust each other in the Justice League. It may not be the best set of circumstances under which to hook up, but they definitely work. They work in ways that'll bring a tear to your eye while making your dick or clit hard as a slab of granite. For everything DC has done in the build-up to this moment with all the news coverage and what not, it still makes for an immensely satisfying scene.

I'll give fanboys and fanfiction writes a moment to contemplate how they can turn the previous scene into something they can jerk off to. It would have been a nice way for the issue to end, but it would have also been too fucking sappy. This is a Justice League comic in the post New 52 eras. It's not a massage parlor in Bankok where a happy ending is expected. There always has to be room for some more to stench up the story down the line and this issue is no exception. The final scene revisits Graves in a prison, who is still sick and dying and understandably pissed at the Justice League. So it's a given that someone like Amanda Waller will come along and ask him to write another book. She already gives him a title, "How to Destroy the Justice League." Speaking as someone who has been motivated to write some pretty fucked up shit in the past, I can say that when you're sick and pissed off you're not going to hold back. And with Graves, it's a given that there will be a lot less dick and boob jokes.

Whenever a comic promises to get everybody talking, it's normal for readers to roll their eyes and give it no more credence than those annoying male enhancement commercials. You wish it were true, but assume it's largely bullshit because more often than not it is. Well this time, it's not bullshit. This comic may not make your dick a foot long, but it delivers when it claims it'll get people talking. Getting mentioned by major news outlets and fucking Good Morning America definitely qualifies. It doesn't just show Superman and Wonder Woman sharing a friendly smooch at a vulnerable moment. It actually establishes that these two can and will have an actual relationship in DC's New 52 universe.

This opens the floodgates to all sorts of stories, 2/3rds of which involve the kind of damage these two could do if they start experimenting with thrill sex. Granted, Johns and Lee didn't drop a whole lot of hints regarding these two early on in the arc. However, the possibility was there. And the way it came together in this issue made it so there didn't need to be the kind of playful flirting that Hugh Grant made boring in every romantic comedy ever made. It may not be the best circumstances for a relationship. Hell, it probably would make for a better one-night stand or summer fling when you get right down to it, but the potential is still there. And fuck if the possibilities don't make my dick harder than a jackhammer in a diamond mine.

Now as for the comic as a whole, there is more at work than just Superman and Wonder Woman kissing if you can believe that. It did effectively end the arc with Graves and it moved the story forward with the Justice League, making it so they're now vulnerable in a way that's not going to work to their advantage to say the least. The world no longer thinks they're gods worthy of the same loyalty that Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber enjoy. They've also pissed off someone who was once a close ally in Steve Trevor, who has both the means and the motivation to fuck with them in the near future. The story, aside from inspiring fanfiction writers to do superpowered sex scenes, establishes an uncertain environment for the Justice League that promises to lead to some increasingly volatile conflicts at the very least.

If there is a flaw in this development, it's that it seems to be somewhat underplayed and not just because of the Superman/Wonder Woman kiss. Johns seemed to make too much of an effort to make Graves come off as sympathetic. And the whole battle between the League and these ghostly illusions of their loved ones didn't have the kind of epic feel that it should have. You never got the sense that the League was really tormented by these visions. When it was over, they basically shrugged it off. Only Wonder Woman seemed to be really effected. But in the end, the point of the story wasn't the battle. It was the consequences of the battle. It may not be as action packed as a battle against Darkseid, but it's still pretty damn awesome. For that, I give Justice League #12 a 4 out of 5.

It feels good to review a DC comic again and it feels good to see DC taking a chance with Superman and Wonder Woman. I've made my opinion on the relationship pretty clear and I pray to Odin that DC doesn't screw it up. These are two of the most iconic heroes in the history of comics. To screw them up at this point is to shit on the hearts of several generations of comic fans. Best of luck to you, DC! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a box of Kleenexes and a bottle of lube with my name on it. Nuff said!

Batman Beyond #8 - Blacked Out Awesome

It's almost here! The big DC relaunch is almost upon us! And here I am reviewing a book that really won't be affected by it. I don't know if that's luck, karma, or my tenancy to fuck with DC. Either way, it's hard to ignore at this point. It would be like coming home from work and ignoring a massive orgy with out-of-work penthouse models, midget wrestlers, and a donkey. It just can't be done. So I'm not going to try as I review Batman Beyond #8. I've been following this series since DC decided to dust this old idea off, give it a fresh enema of awesome, and relaunch it. For the most part, it's been pretty damn awesome. Even with the DC relaunch waving it's dick in the face of the comic industry, it still is able to stand out.

The first mini was about bringing in new enemies and revisiting old faces that never showed up in the cartoon. The new series took it a bit further, mixing both new characters and old. We got to see a new villain who was corny as hell that called himself Matter Master. We also got to see the future Justice League. Then in the last arc, Derek Powers (future DC's equivalent of Rupert Murdoch) returned as Blight and tried to fuck up both Batman and his son. It ended with him dissolving in a puddle of radioactive ooze while Bruce was left to undo the damage done by Powers's lawyers, which in an of itself should have been an equally epic battle. So by and large, the series has done a great job balancing new stories and old stories. The cynic in me says that it's only a matter of time before a story comes along that throws that balance out of whack. That or it's just the voice in my head that keeps telling me to drink more whiskey, but it's hard to tell.

Batman Beyond #8 may or may not be that book those voices were warning me about. Whereas the last arc reintroduced Derek Powers, this one revisits the second major villain that Terry McGinnis confronted when he put on the mask: Inque. Who is Inque? Picture a homicidal goth with shape-shifting abilities. She's like Mystique, only harder to masturbate to. She was one of Terry's most tenacious and frustrating foes, leading to moments that did push the Kids WB censors (let's just say they had to be tactful for a scene where Terry threw up black globs of ooze). This issue starts out with yet another battle between Inque and Batman. And when I say it starts out I mean there's no fucking build-up whatsoever. We walk in on the fight the same way a mother walks in on her 12-year-old son with a Victoria's Secret catalog in one hand and himself in the other. It's not quite as jarring, but it is a little unnerving.

If you've watched Batman Beyond, you'll see plenty of familiar shit. Whenever Inque and Batman are within spitting distance of one another, they see fit to beat the everloving shit out of one another. Now it's not clear why they're fighting. I'm assuming Inque hijacked a truck full of orphans or something, but I think the point of this scene is just to demonstrate that Inque is really badass and can rough up Batman and a bunch of Gotham's finest. If that was the goal, then I would say the defense rests.

However, it isn't enough for Inque to just rough up some cops. Remember, this is a comic. DC doesn't have to abide by those pussy Kids WB rules. That means they can be a little ediger this time. That means she can take full advantage of her Inque form and literally ram herself down a guy's throat and not in the way that makes for awesome gay porn. She can get in, fuck up their insides, and get out in a way that's worse than dry heaving over a dirty toilet in Tijuana. It's groteque and graphic. You'll never see that shit on TV, which makes it all the more awesome to witness in a comic.

This is something I was hoping that this series would do. Comics can afford to be a little edgier here. I'm not saying that Inque should become a tentacle monster and impersonate Japanese anime porn, but DC shouldn't be afraid to go a bit further than they did with the cartoon. I liked this scene and there have been a handful of others. I hope there are more in future issues because I'm just so sick of the FCC's bullshit.

There's no feel-good ending to this little scuffle. Batman doesn't outsmart Inque, encase her in ice, or wrap her up in a nice bow for the police to take in. Like most white collar criminals, the bad guy gets away this time. Inque roughed up Batman, but didn't stick around to finish him off. She's found out in previous battles that pushing her luck with Batman is like waving your dick at the IRS. He finds a way to make you regret it. So while Terry is pulling himself together and trying to assemble what's left of his dignity, Inque gets away. It's not the first time it's happened in Batman Beyond. It probably won't be the last. However, this is the point where the comic takes a defining turn that will leave some dizzy and others sick to their stomachs.

Start rolling your eyes because the clip show begins here! That's right, the rest of this comic is basically a fucking clip show in the form of a flashback. I remember clip shows. They annoyed the fuck out of me. They never moved the story forward. They were gimmicks so cheap that a billion of them couldn't get you a hand-job from a Zimbabwe hooker. But this isn't entirely a clip show equivalent. It's one big flashback that re-tell's Inque's past. It's actually a solid concept because we don't know shit about where Inque came from, but now they're telling us in this issue...the whole fucking issue. So yeah, if you don't care for flashbacks you're fucked.

It's pretty basic. Picture every Oliver Twist knock-off you ever heard. Inque's life is one of great tragedy. Her country was a shit hole. She grew up in a shit hole. So it's really not too surprising that she had some shitty luck that landed her on the black market looking to survive. I know it's gritty and tragic, but it's been done before. And there are real stories in the real world that are just this bad. Basically parodying them like this without any real depth is a dick move.

The weepy tragedy angel continues. Inque somehow gets smuggled into America the same way the Mexicans are smuggled in to do shitty jobs for shittier pay. So basically, Lou Dobs wants this woman dead. She's hungry and desperate so when some guy comes along asking her to be part of some fucked up medical experiment, she doesn't even think. Because when you're hungry, you'll let someone shoot you with animal jizz if it will get you a hot meal. So that's what happens. She ends up in a lab where she gets pumped full of mutagen among other things.

What are those other things? Well it's semen mostly. That's because she gets pregnant and has a baby. Remember, she did have a kid in the cartoon, but of course the show would never tell the story of a war refugee who gets raped and impregnated. She has the kid, but puts her up for adoption because she knows her life is fucked. That's when shit starts getting fucked up. That mutagen along with the semen really didn't react well so she started becoming more Inque-like. Thus begins her life as a Batman villain.

The problem with this teary eyed bullshit is it makes her too damn sympathetic. So she had such a rough life and we're supposed to feel sorry for her when she maims cops? And as soon as she gets her powers, she has absolutely nor problems maiming people for money? Sorry, but there's tragic and then there's just tragic for the sake of being tragic. It's eye-rolling to the point where you think it gives a bad name to the real orphans of the world. DC just tried way too fucking hard with Inque. That or they didn't try hard enough. It's hard to tell.

Needless to say, her daughter wasn't too thrilled to find out that her mother was a sociopath that overplayed the tragedy role. So it's hard to imagine why she would be surprised when her daughter screwed her over in one of the most ironic and satisfying moments in the Batman cartoon. But like all good villains, Inque survived and kept an eye on her daughter. Even though her daughter ran off with all her money, she just shrugged her shoulders and kept watching her. Wait what? She didn't do shit about her own daughter trying to kill her? Okay, that's pushing it even further. I get that Inque's life sucks, but trying to make up for it like this is fucking stupid.

But it's not all doom and gloom. There are actually some answers within this issue. Like how the fuck did Inque pull her sloppy ass together after her daughter screwed her over? Well simply put, she had help. Your typical mystery man in a lab coat shows up and offers her a hit of mutagen. And like a crack addict in withdraw, she jumps at the chance. This explains how she was able to show up in the first place so that's one major plot hole filled. It's doesn't completely overshadow the many eye-rolling aspects of this issue, but it does show that DC hasn't forgotten the stories that led up to this one and made an effort to fill them.

So now Inque is back and somewhat coherent. So what does she do? She goes back to her daughter. Yes, the same one that tried to kill her and take her money. Now this is usually an incident where corporal punishment is more than appropriate, but Inque has something different in mind. As it just so happens, her daughter is in a hospital bed. Being the daughter of someone who sucked up mutagen the same way Glenn Buck sucks the life out of logic, it's going to affect her. Now it looks like she may follow in dear mommy's footsteps and rather than spare her the discomfort she decides to make it worse. It's tough parenting, but given that teenage girls are probably still spoiled as fuck in the future I won't say it's completely inappropriate. Plus, it sets the stage for yet another Inque plot. We still had to go through an entire fucking clip show to get it, but it could have been worse.

Now let's state the obvious here. Not a whole hell of a lot happened in this issue. It was the comic book equivalent of a clips show. While it did fill in an old plot hole and give some overdue depth to a pretty badass character, it didn't do much with it. The reader might as well be in a lecture hall in college, getting lectured on the history of the sordid subject that is Inque without falling asleep or playing Angry Birds on your cell phone. Aside from the fight in the beginning, of which no explanation is given, there isn't a lot of action to speak of. It doesn't tie into the plots of the previous issue. It doesn't offer any progression from previous arcs. It almost feels like this should have been a one-shot for all Inque fans out there...all seven of them. This issue was essentially in a no-win situation. I respect what DC and Adam Beechen were trying to do here, but it might as well be trying to paint the Mona Lisa with a jar of spit.

Now I'm glad Beechen took some time to flesh Inque out. The problem is she's made into too much of a tragic character. She's the victim of a war, she's a mother, and she just wants to do what she thinks is best. Well, that really doesn't jive well with who she was in the show. In the show, Inque was an unapologetic sociopath that would gladly choke a police officer to death with her inky form and not bat an eye. That's not too tragic. Where at any point in this vignette did she become okay with maiming people? Where at any point did she completely lose her moral compass? That's not clear at any point. In fact, it's a big ass plot hole that makes it difficult to feel sorry for Inque let alone appreciate her story. While it does hint that there could be an interesting plot with her daughter unfolding, it still feels underwhelming by the sheer lack of coherence.

So I guess the voices in my head were right for once. I did get that extra bottle of whiskey and this was an issue that threw the careful balance of the previous stories out of whack. I can't completely step on it for revisiting a character from the show and trying to tell a story they never would have gotten past network censors. However, I can wave my proverbial finger at them for not tying it into the recent events of the series. It's an anomaly that is like a masseuse giving you a kick in the balls between the back rub and the happy ending. It's not a horrible story, but in the greater scheme of the series it does fall flat. So I'm left to give Batman Beyond #8 a 2 out of 5. This comic wasn't so terrible that I'm inclined to give up on the series, but this was a poor issue and one that DC should try hard to improve upon. Nuff said!

Brightest Day Aftermath #2: Dragging Awesome

I know it's been a while since I reviewed a DC book. To tell the truth, I've been avoiding it because I'm waiting for DC to drop the infamous R-bomb. R being reboot. I'd rather not waste my fine repertoire of poop jokes and knocks on Donald Trump's hair on stories that are just going to get rebooted and retconned. Now don't get me wrong. I still love DC as much as any guy with an X-men fansite can love it. I know that didn't come out right, but bear with me. There's a method to my drunken madness and it doesn't' involve copious medications with more than 13 syllables (mostly).

I still miss the days where every couple of weeks, I would dedicate a full review to worshiping at the altar of Brightest Day. It was a series that I didn't expect to get hooked on. Just as crack addicts don't expect to be sucking dicks and knocking over 7-11s at 2 am for another hit. But Brightest Day was just that amazingly good. It was like a biweekly multiple nerdgasm fest. So when it ended and continued with the aftermath in Brightest Day Aftermath: The Search for Swamp Thing I was more than willing to give it a chance. However, I've had to taper my expectations. This isn't the same crack hit that Brightest Day was. That story is over. This is the aftermath and for the most part, after reviewing the first issue I was left feeling like Cher when she heard her daughter had a sex change.

I won't say that Brightest Day Aftermath has been a disappointment, but it has been a significant downgrade from the epic scale of awesome that Brightest Day delivered on a way so consistent that Bill Belichek tried to secretly video tape it. The story follows John Constantine and his nicotine-fueled adventures into the DC universe. He's been a little under the weather lately and this time it isn't lung cancer. The return of Swamp Thing in Brightest Day triggered a reaction that only those petrified of bee stings can appreciate. He believes the Swamp Thing that emerged in Brightest Day wasn't Alec Holland. It only thinks it's Alec Holland and when it finds out it isn't, some very swampy shit will hit the fan. He tried enlisting Batman's help, who in turn cashed in a favor (possibly sexual) with Zatanna. They couldn't help him so he was left at square freakin' one, which was part of what made the issue a bit of a let-down.

Brightest Day Aftermath #2 starts off by showing Constantine seeking his next source of help. Now the transition here is pretty damn shaky. In the last issue he was talking to Batman and Zatanna. In this issue he's on a plane for Metropolis. There are some nice inner musings, but it feels random. It's as if he could have gone to Metropolis first and the last issue didn't matter. These are the kinds of transitions that Brightest Day used to avoid. So it's a little off-putting and it makes the story a bit more incoherent. Not the to the point of the third season of Lost, but still incoherent. So when Constantine's condition flares up, making his landing more bumpy than a night out with Charlie Sheen. It shows that Swamp Thing really loves fucking with Constantine and doesn't care who he threatens in the process.

Well guess who does care? Superman. He tends to notice with an angry swamp creature is fucking with a plane full of innocent people. It's not much of a problem for Superman. Him saving a crowded plane is such an old gimmick that it could do Cialis commercials if it wanted to. For Brightest Day, it's not all that innovative. Then Superman confronts Constantine and we're met with a genuine clash of personalities. Superman is a guy who uses his powers to do good when it needs to be done. Constantine is a foul-mouthed degenerate who only does good when it's convenient for him. He would rather smoke a cigarette first. So when Superman confronts him about this, it's a pretty interesting moment. Then when Constantine shows Superman his 'condition' he's a bit more understanding.

 Now it takes a bowling ball filled scrotum to talk down to Superman. Constantine isn't that bold, but an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. He's the only guy who has the stones to be an asshole to Superman and use a magic spell to prevent him from giving him a righteous spanking and not the kind you pay two hookers in Amsterdam to do. Superman sees that Constantine is the one drawing the swamp attack. He's a clear threat to anyone around him so it's only natural that he would want to get him away from crowded areas. But Constantine isn't having it. He uses a little magic to keep Superman at bay and since this is fucking Superman we're talking about, that's saying something.

Now there's a lot to be said about the differences in personalities I mentioned earlier. DC has all sorts of colorful characters, but none like John Constantine. He didn't develop in DC Universe proper. He's done his own thing in his own comics and as such, his attitude is very different and by different I mean he's an ass. But he's an ass in a way that is certifiably awesome. This kind of personality really clashes with the major heroes of DC and one thing this book does well is demonstrating how nicely those clashes truly are. Even if the action and the progression is sloppy as hell, it's nice to see some real contrast between the two characters.

While Constantine is pissing off the Man of Steel, Alec Holland is confused as hell. In the last issue, he showed up in the swamp minus Swamp Thing. Now this sort of fucks things up because as Constantine explained, Swamp Thing only thinks it's Alec Holland. If it finds out that Holland is alive, it'll be like those shitty action movies where someone finds out they have an evil clone and they lose their fucking mind. For Swamp Thing, that's a problem. But Alec Holland doesn't know that. When he emerges, he's greeted by a total stranger in a haz-mat suit. That's usually a bad sign you had a really fucked up night and drank some shit that a hobo with an eye patch gave you in exchange for clean toilet paper. Holland, being in no condition to think clearly, follows the guy into his old lab. Then the guy reveals he works for Lexcorp. He might as well say he's a lobbyist for Halliburton on a special assignment on behalf of News Corp. So yeah, it's a problem.

Constantine knows this shit is going to blow up in his face so he takes some time to explain the situation to Superman and is still a total dick about it in the process. He says Batman couldn't help him find Swamp Thing. Superman points out that the World's Greatest Detective is somewhat smarter than that. He sent Constantine to Metropolis because he knew that Constantine would bring the kind of bullshit that only Superman could confront. Despite being such a dick, Superman does help him. He says he knows where to find Swamp Thing and he doesn't need to be a fucking detective to figure it out. He just grabs Constantine and flies up him over the city. Rather than thank him, he just asks if he can smoke. So even when Superman is helping, he's still a dick. But he still makes it look pretty damn cool.

Once again, it's a little incoherent. If finding Swamp Thing was as easy as a trip to the Star City forest then why the fuck did he go to Batman in the first place? Is Constantine really that fucking dense or did he just want to rope the heroes into helping him? Either way, it comes off as a bit too convenient. He could have just gone to Superman in the first place and we would have been spared a whole issue. But I digress.

Once in the forest where the biggest battle of Brightest Day took place, it gets even more contrived. Constantine just stands around and casts another spell. There's not much mystery or build-up. It's just simple magic to bring out the next plot. The Brightest Day series that I remember was a bit more tactful and subtle. I feel the need to point this out because Brightest Day is in the fucking title of the book and with shit like this, it's not living up to the name.

Even if it is contrived, there's still always room for action in this series. Once Constantine does his little spell, Swamp Thing shows up and as expected it's pissed. For a guy who basically belittled Superman, I would say that Swamp Thing is well within it's right to do so. He grabs Constantine and starts choking him in a way you could make a whole new masturbation joke out of. Choking your Constantine. You heard it here first, folks! But keep in mind he has Superman with him and being such a nice guy (the anti-Constantine if you will) he's kind enough to beat back Swamp Thing. Now granted, it's over really quickly and it's not all that epic. But still, it's a nice burp of action in a book that has been pretty random to this point.

Once all is said and done, Superman is understandably irritated. Even he doesn't appreciate having to fight swamp monsters for ungrateful assholes like Constantine. But once again, Constantine maintains his policy of being a total dick. He reminds Superman that as long as Alec Holland is out there and alive then this won't be the only time he stains his cape with swamp stains. The implications would certainly not sit will with anyone of even a moderately high moral compass. It means in order to contain Swamp Thing, Alec Holland has to die. That's the big difference between Superman and Constantine. Not only is Constantine a dick, he's willing to feed a man to a swamp monster.

Speaking of Alec Holland, remember that lab he's in? Well that mysterious masked man is still fucking with him. He convinces Alec that he's got some weird infection that you can't get without bare-backing a hooker in Brazil. Holland is still confused and trying to remember. The mystery scientist who we know is as credible as Jack Abramoff since he works for Lexcorp helps refresh his memory a bit. It involves showing him some of his old work and reminding him that he was once a powerful, monstrous swamp creature. Constantine may be an asshole, but this guy takes it to another level. He essentially assures that Holland is screwed and Constantine may end up being right, which is an epic fail for all that's good and decent in the DC universe.

At this point, it's worth repeating how much I miss Brightest Day. I know I've said it a lot and maybe all the pot in my system has fucked up my short-term memory, but I do miss it. I miss the large, interconnecting stories among many different characters. It was a story that really gave readers a firm grasp of the DC Universe. So to read that series and then Brightest Day Aftermath, the difference is like the gap between a blow job and a kick in the nuts. It's not terrible, but it's pretty underwhelming. It lacks the elements of what made Brightest Day so awesome and this issue threw away even more of those elements, almost like they were used tissues at the bushes of Megan Fox's bathroom window.

The lack of coherence between this issue and the previous issue is the biggest weakness. Constantine goes from Gotham to Metropolis in a way that really doesn't flow well with the story. In fact, certain elements of the previous issue could easily be thrown out and not much would change with this issue. That's not to say there weren't some nice moments. I'm glad Alec Holland got a chance to show up. He's finally starting to get involved in the story, but it was a lukewarm introduction at best. Anyone who really doesn't know much about the guy (which may be a significant number even for those without access to wikipedia) will probably be loss and not all that interested. Constantine's attitude is still gritty. His interactions with Superman were easily the best parts of the issue, but those interactions didn't lead to much. It really seems as though this mini-series isn't leading to much at all and with the reboot coming up fast, it may be completely overshadowed in the end.

So while I'm usually very enthusiastic for any DC book with a Brightest Day title, the second issue of Aftermath has really dampened my spirits. It isn't hitting me upside the head with awesome. It's very tame, like a dog that has been both neutered and lobotomized. The lack of coherence makes it difficult to follow. The underwhelming action makes it difficult to get excited about without a bottle of Red Bull and a line of blow. There are still some entertaining elements. Constantine is still a fun, crude pig of a Brit that makes you want to spit on anything related to British Royalty. But that's not enough to make this issue as awesome as it's predecessor set it up to be. That's why I give Brightest Day Aftermath #2 a 2.5 out of 5. Brightest Day still has a warm, fuzzy place in my heart. But the Aftermath just seems unnecessary. With the reboot coming up, it might be best for some readers to go on a few bender and wake up a few weeks from now to see what comes of it. Nuff said!