Brightest Day Aftermath #3 - A Legacy of Awesome

Twas the night before the DC relaunch and all the crack house, not a creature was stirring except strung out comic fan with half a bottle of whiskey and worn out crack pipe. There are only so many drugs in the world that can make you forget that DC Comics is about to undergo the biggest shift since Power Girl's boobs. If there are such drugs I've yet to take enough of them. It's hard to contemplate what will come of DC and comics and general as the new 52 hits the shelves. Some are already eager to leave the old DCU behind. But before this amazing world is relegated to the quarter bin of history, there is one series that I must complete before I'm too hung over to give a proper send off.

Brightest Day has been one of DC's shining gems. I reviewed every issue and at the end of each review I had a six-foot boner with fresh joint on the end of it. Reviewing Brightest Day Aftermath: The Search for Swamp thing has been different. It hasn't been on the same scale or scope as Brightest Day. Like cheap blow from Brazil, it offers only a mild rush. That's not to say it's worth ignoring. There is a story to be told here. John Constantine is back in the DC universe, stinking it up with his cigarette smoke and snooty British accent. He's off to resolve a little issue regarding Swamp Thing and his alter ego, Alec Holland. It hasn't been on nearly the same level as the original Brightest Day. The last issue was a bit of a let-down. But with one issue left, I feel obligated to cap off my Brightest Day review log. Then I can dive head first with only mild brain damage into the new DCU.

In the last issue of Brightest Day Aftermath, Constantine enlisted help from Superman to track down Alec Holland. In between cartons of cigarettes, it was revealed that Swamp Thing and Alec Holland weren't exactly in sync and that was dangerous on new fewer than 28402948502982 different levels. Why is this? Well Swamp Thing currently thinks Alec Holland is driving it. And if it finds out that's not the case, well that tends to fuck up an overly powerful monster. A monster that needs a human driver and for some reason John Constantine is at the top of the list. Now anyone who knows John Constantine from the comics knows putting him in the driver's seat of a monster like Swamp Thing is like making Robert Downy Jr. the head of a Bankok pharmacy. Nothing good can come of it and if that weren't enough, Lexcorp has somehow found Alec Holland and is fucking with him in a way that only Lex Luthor can. So that leaves John Constantine relying on DC's finest to put a stop to it.

First, Constantine had to find Holland and the Lexcorp assholes that took a break from blowing the head of Goldman Sachs to fuck up the world. For this, he got help from Madame Xanadu. Aside from staring at her cleavage, she helped Constantine go on a spirit quest that didn't involve ingesting a fuckton of magic mushrooms. Here he gets help from our old Brightest Day pal Deadman, who at the end of Brightest Day ended up dead...again. But he still is nice enough to lend a hand. He's the one that informed Constantine that Alec Holland isn't playing poker with Einstein, Jimmy Hendrix, and Jesus in the afterlife. He's alive, well, and running with a rough crowd in Lexcorp's many secret labs. Seriously, with all the labs Lexcorp has to fuck with people you would think BP would have bought them out by now.

Back in the swamp we revisit Alec Holland and his Lexcorpt captors. The masked Lexcorp scientist, who looks like Dick Cheney fucked him up after getting fired from Halliburton, finally confronts Alec. Since Swamp Thing is an elemental and Lex Luthor just can't resist god-like power of any kind, they recreated Swamp Thing with some trademark DC technobabble. But in order to make it work and not kill everything that looks at it cross-eyed, they need to map Alec's consciousness to the creature. Because remember the creature thinks it's Alec Holland. Alec of course has a problem with that, but seriously when has moral outrage ever stopped Lexcorp?

While Alec is most likely getting the Lexcorp equivalent of a rectal probe, Constantine is in the swamp trying to get to Holland. Now I'm a little high right now so it didn't dawn on me until I was sober that there was some shitty transition along the way. Not only does Lexcorp's mysterious mad scientist not break out the waterboarding to convince Alec, but Constantine goes from Xandu's sweet bosom to the swamp. Now if you didn't read the last two issues, you could have assumed it was a flashback of sorts. But it's really hard to tell. In fact, without a few hits of LSD you probably wouldn't notice it. It's something that has been a nuisance since Brightest Day Aftermath began. It just hasn't flowed as nicely as it's predecessor.

Lousy transitions aside, Constantine's visit into the swamp is short lived. Like all Lexcorp facilities, trespassers are dealt with in the same way James Dobson and Pat Robertson would deal with homosexuals. They hit him over the head with the butt of the gun and threaten to fuck him up in ways that no amount of cigarettes can help.

Unfortunately for Lexcorp's hired guns, Batman shows up. And as anyone knows, he dines on the bones and souls of hired thugs for breakfast in between eating cake off of Catwoman's ass. He saves Constantine from a world of hurt, but he doesn't take much satisfaction in doing so. Who would? Constantine was a dick when he last crossed paths with Batman, but then again he's a dick to everyone. When Constantine says he needs to kill Alec Holland, Batman has a problem with that. For some reason he just can't get around the idea of killing a man to save John Constantine's ass. He's weird like that.

Well Batman doesn't have to enjoy it. He doesn't get to argue with Constantine all that much either because while he's lighting another cigarette, that quaint little lab where Lexcorp is committing their latest crimes against humanity erupts. Their bastardized version of Swamp Thing has been let loose and it's a big ass problem. Again, we don't get to see how that scientist convinced Alec Holland to lend his mind to this creature. We can only assume it involved threats of castration or being locked in a room with Andy Dick. Either way, Swamp Thing is on the loose and they're kind of fucked.

This isn't something Batman can just beat the shit out of like a hired gun. This is an elemental swamp creature that saved the world during Brightest Day. He can't exactly stop it by throwing money at it like most rich men would do. However, Superman stands a fighting chance. Even though he didn't care much for Constantine in the last issue, he does care when guys from Lexcorp fuck up the environment. Now this had the potential to be a really epic battle against Superman and Swamp Thing. Sadly, it's nothing of the sort. There's no two-page spread or anything. It quickly becomes a story where magic becomes a bland ass way to resolve a plot.

Again, the transitions suck. At some point Constantine transports Superman to some crazy mystical dimension where they can get to the very core of Swamp Thing sort of like how Dr. Phil gets paid millions of dollars to do so on a per-screened TV show. There's not a whole lot of action here. Superman just restrains Swamp Thing without much of a fight and then John Constantine casts a spell that's about as amazing as watching ants run around in circles. It's a pretty underhanded way to end the conflict even if it does end it effectively.

From here we get a few more scenes to tie up loose ends. They go into the lab and beat the shit out of the scientist that used Alec Holland. He ends up being some kind of mummy knock-off. I'm sure that's just Lex Luthor's way of hiring cheap labor. Then Constantine confronts Alec about the whole having to kill him to stop Swamp Thing ordeal. Once again, it's glossed over. There isn't a fight or even much of a debate. Alec Holland wants to live again and John Constantine just shrugs his shoulders and accepts it. Yeah, it's as interesting as it sounds. But he's still insists on being a dick about it.

So he and Alec Holland part ways. Superman and Batman leave with only slight damage to their lungs from Constantine's second hand smoke. It's not the happiest of endings. There's still a hint that Swamp Thing still has a hard-on for Constantine. But not much else comes of it. Alec goes on his merry way while Constantine goes back to filling his lung with tobacco smoke. Overall, it's as happy an ending you can get with John Constantine and you still feel the urge to binge drink. That says a lot about what a miserable asshole he is.

So in the end, John Constantine is still a selfish prick. But seriously, was that ever supposed to change? This was a story about Swamp Thing and for the most part, it was told and completed. Is it worth reading? Does it live up to standard set by Brightest Day? Well yes and no. For one, it's a decent story. But decent by Brightest Day standards is like a 10-6 season for the New England Patriots. For some teams it's great. But for their standards it's a bit of a let-down. This was a story that you could skip and it really wouldn't change how Brightest Day one bit. It doesn't come off as a necessary part of the story. It's just...there.

This issue did succeed in tying up many of the plots surrounding Constantine, Alec Holland, and Swamp Thing. It got other heroes like Batman, Superman, and Madam Xanadu involved in a believable way. However, the battle against Swamp Thing was underwhelming. For a story that has "Search for Swamp Thing" in the title, Swamp Thing really didn't seem to play much of a role. There was plenty of struggle, but not much fighting in between. It lacked the impact that Brightest Day set up. A few cheesy bits of dialog here and there didn't help, but John Constantine's wit along with fairly coherent narrative made for a solid finish.

I'm still a bit torn by the end of this story. It was a slight improvement over the last issue, but it still underwhelming in way too many ways. The first two issues built up a conflict and the third issue resolved that conflict with a whimper and not a bang. You may find yourself yawning through the end and no one would blame you. Maybe it's just because this series has been glossed over by Flashpoint and the new 52. But Brightest Day Aftermath remains only a slightly above average title. As a final score, I give it a 3 out of 5. It's not bad by most standards, but it had the potential to be so much more. It's a shame. Then again, I don't think DC gives one tenth a damn because it's ready to start from scratch and establish a new kind of awesome. No matter what the new 52 may bring, the legacy left by Brightest Day shall live. Nuff said!

Brightest Day Aftermath #2: Dragging Awesome

I know it's been a while since I reviewed a DC book. To tell the truth, I've been avoiding it because I'm waiting for DC to drop the infamous R-bomb. R being reboot. I'd rather not waste my fine repertoire of poop jokes and knocks on Donald Trump's hair on stories that are just going to get rebooted and retconned. Now don't get me wrong. I still love DC as much as any guy with an X-men fansite can love it. I know that didn't come out right, but bear with me. There's a method to my drunken madness and it doesn't' involve copious medications with more than 13 syllables (mostly).

I still miss the days where every couple of weeks, I would dedicate a full review to worshiping at the altar of Brightest Day. It was a series that I didn't expect to get hooked on. Just as crack addicts don't expect to be sucking dicks and knocking over 7-11s at 2 am for another hit. But Brightest Day was just that amazingly good. It was like a biweekly multiple nerdgasm fest. So when it ended and continued with the aftermath in Brightest Day Aftermath: The Search for Swamp Thing I was more than willing to give it a chance. However, I've had to taper my expectations. This isn't the same crack hit that Brightest Day was. That story is over. This is the aftermath and for the most part, after reviewing the first issue I was left feeling like Cher when she heard her daughter had a sex change.

I won't say that Brightest Day Aftermath has been a disappointment, but it has been a significant downgrade from the epic scale of awesome that Brightest Day delivered on a way so consistent that Bill Belichek tried to secretly video tape it. The story follows John Constantine and his nicotine-fueled adventures into the DC universe. He's been a little under the weather lately and this time it isn't lung cancer. The return of Swamp Thing in Brightest Day triggered a reaction that only those petrified of bee stings can appreciate. He believes the Swamp Thing that emerged in Brightest Day wasn't Alec Holland. It only thinks it's Alec Holland and when it finds out it isn't, some very swampy shit will hit the fan. He tried enlisting Batman's help, who in turn cashed in a favor (possibly sexual) with Zatanna. They couldn't help him so he was left at square freakin' one, which was part of what made the issue a bit of a let-down.

Brightest Day Aftermath #2 starts off by showing Constantine seeking his next source of help. Now the transition here is pretty damn shaky. In the last issue he was talking to Batman and Zatanna. In this issue he's on a plane for Metropolis. There are some nice inner musings, but it feels random. It's as if he could have gone to Metropolis first and the last issue didn't matter. These are the kinds of transitions that Brightest Day used to avoid. So it's a little off-putting and it makes the story a bit more incoherent. Not the to the point of the third season of Lost, but still incoherent. So when Constantine's condition flares up, making his landing more bumpy than a night out with Charlie Sheen. It shows that Swamp Thing really loves fucking with Constantine and doesn't care who he threatens in the process.

Well guess who does care? Superman. He tends to notice with an angry swamp creature is fucking with a plane full of innocent people. It's not much of a problem for Superman. Him saving a crowded plane is such an old gimmick that it could do Cialis commercials if it wanted to. For Brightest Day, it's not all that innovative. Then Superman confronts Constantine and we're met with a genuine clash of personalities. Superman is a guy who uses his powers to do good when it needs to be done. Constantine is a foul-mouthed degenerate who only does good when it's convenient for him. He would rather smoke a cigarette first. So when Superman confronts him about this, it's a pretty interesting moment. Then when Constantine shows Superman his 'condition' he's a bit more understanding.

 Now it takes a bowling ball filled scrotum to talk down to Superman. Constantine isn't that bold, but an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. He's the only guy who has the stones to be an asshole to Superman and use a magic spell to prevent him from giving him a righteous spanking and not the kind you pay two hookers in Amsterdam to do. Superman sees that Constantine is the one drawing the swamp attack. He's a clear threat to anyone around him so it's only natural that he would want to get him away from crowded areas. But Constantine isn't having it. He uses a little magic to keep Superman at bay and since this is fucking Superman we're talking about, that's saying something.

Now there's a lot to be said about the differences in personalities I mentioned earlier. DC has all sorts of colorful characters, but none like John Constantine. He didn't develop in DC Universe proper. He's done his own thing in his own comics and as such, his attitude is very different and by different I mean he's an ass. But he's an ass in a way that is certifiably awesome. This kind of personality really clashes with the major heroes of DC and one thing this book does well is demonstrating how nicely those clashes truly are. Even if the action and the progression is sloppy as hell, it's nice to see some real contrast between the two characters.

While Constantine is pissing off the Man of Steel, Alec Holland is confused as hell. In the last issue, he showed up in the swamp minus Swamp Thing. Now this sort of fucks things up because as Constantine explained, Swamp Thing only thinks it's Alec Holland. If it finds out that Holland is alive, it'll be like those shitty action movies where someone finds out they have an evil clone and they lose their fucking mind. For Swamp Thing, that's a problem. But Alec Holland doesn't know that. When he emerges, he's greeted by a total stranger in a haz-mat suit. That's usually a bad sign you had a really fucked up night and drank some shit that a hobo with an eye patch gave you in exchange for clean toilet paper. Holland, being in no condition to think clearly, follows the guy into his old lab. Then the guy reveals he works for Lexcorp. He might as well say he's a lobbyist for Halliburton on a special assignment on behalf of News Corp. So yeah, it's a problem.

Constantine knows this shit is going to blow up in his face so he takes some time to explain the situation to Superman and is still a total dick about it in the process. He says Batman couldn't help him find Swamp Thing. Superman points out that the World's Greatest Detective is somewhat smarter than that. He sent Constantine to Metropolis because he knew that Constantine would bring the kind of bullshit that only Superman could confront. Despite being such a dick, Superman does help him. He says he knows where to find Swamp Thing and he doesn't need to be a fucking detective to figure it out. He just grabs Constantine and flies up him over the city. Rather than thank him, he just asks if he can smoke. So even when Superman is helping, he's still a dick. But he still makes it look pretty damn cool.

Once again, it's a little incoherent. If finding Swamp Thing was as easy as a trip to the Star City forest then why the fuck did he go to Batman in the first place? Is Constantine really that fucking dense or did he just want to rope the heroes into helping him? Either way, it comes off as a bit too convenient. He could have just gone to Superman in the first place and we would have been spared a whole issue. But I digress.

Once in the forest where the biggest battle of Brightest Day took place, it gets even more contrived. Constantine just stands around and casts another spell. There's not much mystery or build-up. It's just simple magic to bring out the next plot. The Brightest Day series that I remember was a bit more tactful and subtle. I feel the need to point this out because Brightest Day is in the fucking title of the book and with shit like this, it's not living up to the name.

Even if it is contrived, there's still always room for action in this series. Once Constantine does his little spell, Swamp Thing shows up and as expected it's pissed. For a guy who basically belittled Superman, I would say that Swamp Thing is well within it's right to do so. He grabs Constantine and starts choking him in a way you could make a whole new masturbation joke out of. Choking your Constantine. You heard it here first, folks! But keep in mind he has Superman with him and being such a nice guy (the anti-Constantine if you will) he's kind enough to beat back Swamp Thing. Now granted, it's over really quickly and it's not all that epic. But still, it's a nice burp of action in a book that has been pretty random to this point.

Once all is said and done, Superman is understandably irritated. Even he doesn't appreciate having to fight swamp monsters for ungrateful assholes like Constantine. But once again, Constantine maintains his policy of being a total dick. He reminds Superman that as long as Alec Holland is out there and alive then this won't be the only time he stains his cape with swamp stains. The implications would certainly not sit will with anyone of even a moderately high moral compass. It means in order to contain Swamp Thing, Alec Holland has to die. That's the big difference between Superman and Constantine. Not only is Constantine a dick, he's willing to feed a man to a swamp monster.

Speaking of Alec Holland, remember that lab he's in? Well that mysterious masked man is still fucking with him. He convinces Alec that he's got some weird infection that you can't get without bare-backing a hooker in Brazil. Holland is still confused and trying to remember. The mystery scientist who we know is as credible as Jack Abramoff since he works for Lexcorp helps refresh his memory a bit. It involves showing him some of his old work and reminding him that he was once a powerful, monstrous swamp creature. Constantine may be an asshole, but this guy takes it to another level. He essentially assures that Holland is screwed and Constantine may end up being right, which is an epic fail for all that's good and decent in the DC universe.

At this point, it's worth repeating how much I miss Brightest Day. I know I've said it a lot and maybe all the pot in my system has fucked up my short-term memory, but I do miss it. I miss the large, interconnecting stories among many different characters. It was a story that really gave readers a firm grasp of the DC Universe. So to read that series and then Brightest Day Aftermath, the difference is like the gap between a blow job and a kick in the nuts. It's not terrible, but it's pretty underwhelming. It lacks the elements of what made Brightest Day so awesome and this issue threw away even more of those elements, almost like they were used tissues at the bushes of Megan Fox's bathroom window.

The lack of coherence between this issue and the previous issue is the biggest weakness. Constantine goes from Gotham to Metropolis in a way that really doesn't flow well with the story. In fact, certain elements of the previous issue could easily be thrown out and not much would change with this issue. That's not to say there weren't some nice moments. I'm glad Alec Holland got a chance to show up. He's finally starting to get involved in the story, but it was a lukewarm introduction at best. Anyone who really doesn't know much about the guy (which may be a significant number even for those without access to wikipedia) will probably be loss and not all that interested. Constantine's attitude is still gritty. His interactions with Superman were easily the best parts of the issue, but those interactions didn't lead to much. It really seems as though this mini-series isn't leading to much at all and with the reboot coming up fast, it may be completely overshadowed in the end.

So while I'm usually very enthusiastic for any DC book with a Brightest Day title, the second issue of Aftermath has really dampened my spirits. It isn't hitting me upside the head with awesome. It's very tame, like a dog that has been both neutered and lobotomized. The lack of coherence makes it difficult to follow. The underwhelming action makes it difficult to get excited about without a bottle of Red Bull and a line of blow. There are still some entertaining elements. Constantine is still a fun, crude pig of a Brit that makes you want to spit on anything related to British Royalty. But that's not enough to make this issue as awesome as it's predecessor set it up to be. That's why I give Brightest Day Aftermath #2 a 2.5 out of 5. Brightest Day still has a warm, fuzzy place in my heart. But the Aftermath just seems unnecessary. With the reboot coming up, it might be best for some readers to go on a few bender and wake up a few weeks from now to see what comes of it. Nuff said!

Brightest Day Aftermath #1: The Search For Swamp Thing - Awesome Mixed with Uncertainty

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