X-men Supreme Reflections: Piotr Rasputin is LIVE!

Spring is in the air. It's warming up outside. Everyone is sick of winter. It doesn't seem very fitting for a fanfiction series to focus on a hardened farm boy from Siberia like Piotr Rasputin. But disagree. I think it's the timing is perfect. Colossus is one of those classic X-men characters who is awesome in any weather. And I've made it part of my mission to capture everything that makes him awesome in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. While he has been a powerful pillar of the X-men mythos since the All New, All Different era of X-men, he's actually a newcomer to the team in X-men Supreme. His story has been revealed, but it hasn't been explored in great detail. That's what X-men Supreme Reflections Volume 4 is going to change.

Colossus has always been one of those characters who sounds like he should be flat on paper. He grew up on a farm in Siberia. He's super-strong, and super-resilient with his metal skin. He's humble, honorable, and kind. Those qualities alone aren't very interesting. But it's the way they play out in the circumstances of his life that makes Colossus such an endearing character. I've already established in X-men Supreme that Colossus has been put in some pretty tough situations. First, he had to work as a courier for a Russian crime syndicate run by Omega Red. Then he had to work for Magneto, which led to him helping the Master of Magnetism unleash the Cambrian. And it's all out of a sincere desire to help his sister. That's what has been driving him throughout the course of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. But that's not the only thing that makes Colossus tick.

He finally joined the X-men at the end of the Cambrian arc and he has already endeared himself to his new team, especially Kitty Pryde. Many of Colossus's most notable stories in the comics involve either his sister, Illyana Rasputin, or his love interest, Kitty Pryde. But in the same way Psylocke's circumstances had some very personal impacts on her, the path Colossus took to get to this point has had an effect as well. How does he go about dealing with his sister, Kitty Pryde, and the X-men? How does a lovable farm boy like him go through the Russian Mob and the Brotherhood of Mutants? That's what this latest entry of Supreme Reflections is intended to explore. It'll include some important details that will come into play in X-men Supreme Volume 5 in a very personal way.

X-men Supreme Reflections: Piotr Rasputin

I understand that every X-men character has their share of fans. Some of those fans are much more vocal than others. These are the kinds of fans that help inspire me when writing something like X-men Supreme Reflections. Strip away the action and conflict, focus only on the character, and it cuts to the core of what makes them tick. It's a lot of fun to do, but it's easy to mess up. That's why I really want to hear from those vocal fans, and even the non-vocal fans if possible, on these Supreme Reflection entries. I want these little vignettes to make readers love these characters even more. So please let me know if I'm succeeding. Submit your comments to me directly by contacting me or post them in the issue. The personal journeys will continue as X-men Supreme Volume 5 draws closer. I hope to make them all sufficiently awesome. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

X-men Supreme Reflections Volume 4: Piotr Rasputin PREVIEW!

Part of what makes X-men such a successful mythos is the strength of its characters. When I started the X-men Supreme fanfiction series, one of my top priorities was to treat these characters with the utmost respect. I care deeply about each of these characters and I try to make that show in my writing. All too often, I've seen writers in comics and fanfiction alike write characters that they don't care about. When that happens, the characters might as well be props or tools. I feel that does a major injustice to the characters in the long run and I try to make sure that shows in every issue of X-men Supreme. It's also a big reason why I take a great deal of pleasure in writing X-men Supreme Reflections.

X-men has one of the largest and most diverse cast of characters in all of comics. That is part of what has made it one of Marvel's most successful properties. But since it is very much a team book, it is often difficult to focus on one particular character. No one character makes the X-men in the same way no one player makes a team. And the team I've put together in X-men Supreme has undergone a number of changes. But one of the issues I've often seen in the comics is how the constant flux of the team makes it difficult to follow. I've tried to minimize that in this fanfiction series, but there are some characters that I simply cannot leave out of the mix. One of those characters was Colossus.

I introduced him back in X-men Supreme Issue 26: The Ties That Terrorize. I had every intention of having him join the team. However, I wanted his entry into the X-men to be similar to what I did with Psylocke in that extreme circumstances caused their paths to cross. Those circumstances finally happened in the Cambrian Explosion arc. But before that, Colossus had his own elaborate story in the world of X-men Supreme. I've touched on that story a number of times, but I haven't really had a chance to go into detail. Like Psylocke and many other characters in X-men Supreme, Colossus has a unique history in this fanfiction series that is different from the comics and cartoons. Now with X-men Supreme Reflections Volume 4, I'll be exploring that history in greater detail. It'll paint a more comprehensive picture for Colossus in this fanfiction series. And it's one I think Colossus fans will appreciate. At the same time, knowing his story will help add weight to the role he'll play in X-men Supreme Volume 5. I've prepared a preview of what to expect from the X-men's favorite Russian.

Work in the factory was hard and tedious. It did not help that the pay was just as bad as the coal mine. It’s easy to get frustrated with that kind of work. You start questioning your worth. To put so much sweat into a task and see little come of it tests even the strongest of souls. Being frustrated and desperate, it was not easy keeping to myself. Sooner or later, my true form would come out.

It finally happened when I was 18. I was working a heavy machine press, which even for a seasoned worker is a dangerous task. I was being hounded by the factory manager as well. He was upset with everybody because we had fallen behind in our production. He was running us hard and I tried to keep up. I went so fast I got my arm caught in the press. As soon as this happened, I reverted to my metal skin. Just as it had with the mine, it shocked everyone around me and silenced the manager. But it wasn’t so much my metal skin that surprised him. It was the fact that in doing so, I broke the press.

The man was enraged. His anger usurped his surprise and despite my appearance, he stormed towards me and started yelling every kind of Russian obscenity. He told me how this machine was worth more than ten men of my strength and how I will be working this debt off for the next decade. I held my ground at first. Then he had to throw in that if I did not work off this debt, he would come after my family. That was a mistake both for him and for me because I reacted strongly. I grabbed the man by the neck, held him up as if he were light as a feathered pillow, and squeezed him to the point where his face turned blue. I told him that I did not care who he was or how much power he thought he had. If he threatened my family, he would have to go through me.

Once I got this message across, I let him go. The men around me were now even more fearful. I was a monster once more and there was nothing I could do about it. I scorned myself to no end as I walked out of that factory for the last time. I thought I was done for. Now Illyana and I lost what little support we had left. I failed her and I was ashamed. At that point I was praying for a miracle. I would have accepted anything at that point to help me and my sister. That’s a dangerous state of mind to be in because there are always those who would take advantage of you. I was no exception.

As it turns out, that factory manager had been paying protection money to a Russian mafia family. One of their collectors had been in the factory at the time, picking up his monthly payment. When he saw me, he was probably the only one who wasn’t scared. Where most everyone else saw a monster, this man saw an opportunity.

Before the factory was even out of my sight, he came running up to me. He presented himself as a recruiter and a collector for the Rossovich family, one of the most feared and respected families in the Russian mob. He said he could get me a job. Whereas most would know better than to work for the Russian Mafia, he threw money into the mix…a lot of money. He claimed I could make thousands if not more by using the skills I had just demonstrated with the manager. I was skeptical, but for Illyana’s sake I listened. For her, I was willing to make a deal with the devil himself.

I understand feedback for issues of X-men Supreme Reflections will be lower than that of the main series. But I'm hoping that with each issue focusing heavily on one character that fans of that character will provide feedback on how I'm handling them. The last thing I want to do is really upset fans of a particular character. I too am very fond of these characters and I know how infuriating it is when a story fails to do them justice. I do not want to do that with the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. So please help me ensure that every X-men character I use in this fanfiction series is awesome. Please send your feedback directly by contacting me or posting your comments directly in the issue. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

X-men Supreme Reflections Volume 4: Elizabeth Braddock is LIVE!

Today is a great day to be a Psylocke fans. The X-men’s resident ninja/psychic is ready for her turn in X-men Supreme Reflections. She will be the first in a five-issue mini-series that will dig deeper into the characters that had some of the greatest influence on X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear. Of all the famous X-men characters I’ve introduced in this fanfiction series, Psylocke holds a special place in my heart. And I hope to show that in this thorough examination of what makes Elizabeth Braddock who she is in the world of X-men Supreme.

I’ve always felt that Psylocke’s origin was a bit too rushed. She was a British woman with blond hair and powerful telepathy who ended up in the body of a female Japanese ninja. That’s a pretty severe transition for anybody to endure. And I don’t think the nature of that transition was sufficiently explored in the comics. But it’s that transition that came to define Psylocke as a character and as a major player with the X-men. However, at times that transition is forgotten. Reading the comics today, who would guess that Psylocke ever switched bodies? That’s why I made her body swap such a big part of The Lotus and the Warrior. I wanted it to have an impact. And in this entry of X-men Supreme Reflections, I’ll be thoroughly exploring that impact.

A core theme of the X-men has to do with identity. Most of the time, the struggles with identity revolve around being a mutant. But for Psylocke, that struggle is a lot more complicated, especially given the circumstances in X-men Supreme. How does someone deal with having their mind transferred into a new body? What does that do to her identity? That’s something that I made sure she struggled with in X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear. It was a major driving force in the drama that developed between her and Gambit. I have big plans for her character in X-men Supreme Volume 5 and beyond if this fanfiction series continues. That’s why this is a very important issue to read for Psylocke fans because it’ll set the tone for her struggles as she moves forward in X-men Supreme.

X-men Supreme Reflections: Elizabeth Braddock

I have a feeling that Psylocke fans are going to enjoy this. I consider myself among those fans. That’ll give me all the more incentive to make her story awesome in future issues of X-men Supreme. But I can never have enough incentive to make this fanfiction series and all the characters it contains more awesome. So please take the time to leave a review for this issue, especially if you’re a die-hard Psylocke fan. Either post it directly in the issue or contact me directly with your feedback. I’ll be more than happy to respond to any questions or concerns. I hope Psylocke fans and X-men fans as a whole continue to enjoy this fanfiction series. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

X-men Supreme Reflections Volume 4: Elizabeth Braddock PREVIEW

Well now that everyone has had time to digest the conclusion of X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear and see Captain America: The Winter Soldier, I feel the time is right to get started on the next phase of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. As I previously announced, I intend to do another installment of X-men Supreme Reflections. These character-centered vignettes give me a chance to take a step back from the ongoing chaos throughout X-men Supreme and explore some more intimate aspects of certain characters. I find it very satisfying because it helps give perspective for certain characters that otherwise wouldn't be gained from the main series. It's hard to squeeze in certain details when there are much bigger concerns like Magneto, aliens, and government conspiracies going on. And some of this perspective will be vital before proceeding into X-men Supreme Volume 5.

The first character I'll be exploring in this iteration of X-men Supreme Reflections is Psylocke. I've always had a keen fascination with her in the comics and not just because she's another beautiful, head-strong telepath. Psylocke has the added difficulty of having switched bodies. She went from being pretty British blonde to a Japanese ninja. That's quite a transformation and one I captured in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series during The Lotus and the Warrior arc. However, I approached her transformation differently. What happened to Elizabeth Braddock is directly linked to what happened with Kwannon Tsurayaba in the Overlord arc. Their lives are forever linked in this fanfiction series, but I haven't been able to explore that link as much as I would like.

It's a link that has often been overlooked in the comics. Reading about Psylocke these days, it's almost impossible to tell that she ever switched bodies. She shows no real issues with being in Kwannon's body. She just accepts it and functions perfectly fine. But is that reasonable? Does it really not bother her that much that she's living in a body she wasn't born in? That's something I've touched on a few times in X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear. It has been a major driving force in the romantic drama between her and Gambit. But I wish to take it a bit further in X-men Supreme. When Betsy's mind was transferred into Kwannon's body, it was a traumatic process to say the least. That process left quite a few scars and this first reflection will explore those scars. I've prepared an extended preview of what those scars entail.

I used to never have to worry about being overwhelmed like this. One of my strengths had always been a strong and focused mind. That’s not just because of my telepathic talents either. That’s been one of my most defining traits since I was a little girl growing up in another body.

I developed this and other talents throughout my early life in Essex, England. I came from a family that already valued a level head. My parents were both active in high level law enforcement and my older brother, Brian Braddock, acted like a cop most of the time so we were all well-versed in the law and order. My mother was a top barrister in Western Europe. She specialized in international courts weeding through the thick stacks of laws and regulations each country scribbled onto any old slip of paper. My father was a respected officer at Interpol who specialized in Asian crime syndicates. He was regarded as one of the top detectives in the agency and I always looked up to him for solving the mysteries that few others wanted to solve.

My father was a hero in a ways that didn’t require superpowers or fancy costumes. He made a difference using only his mind. As a little girl I would watch these old crime movies with him and he would point out all the clues and connections before the main character had his first clue. I know it’s easy to impress young children with damn near everything, but this left a hell of an impression. Instead of playing cops and robbers with my brother, I played detective.

It started off with puzzles. Boy did I drown hours on end with puzzles. From word searches to crossword puzzles, mazes, computer games, and rubix cubs I devoured every one I could get my hands on. My father taught me all the tricks of the trade. Every time I thought I was finished, he would encourage me to find the next step. There was always another step it seemed and sometimes it went beyond just solving the puzzle. He encouraged me to look at how I was solving it. What tools could I use to get the answer I was looking for? I didn’t have much to work with besides my own brain. I didn’t find out until years later that my brain had much more to offer.

My puzzle phase lasted until I was about eleven-years-old. My parents were worried that I was becoming too much of a recluse. By this time my brother was a teenager already training as a junior cadet in a British military academy. He was going to be a real soldier for the crown and he had plenty of people looking out for him. I didn’t have anywhere near that kind of support. I had practically no friends and I didn’t know too many kids that shared my interest. Every day after school I would go straight up to my room and work on puzzles. Socially, that was very healthy. Being the stubborn little bloke that I was, I didn’t see much reason to put myself out there. It took a jolt of tragedy to get me out of my shell.

One day my mother returned from a trip to Hong Kong feeling ill. My father and I thought it was just jet lag or the flu. Then the vomiting and fainting started. Overnight she became pale as a ghost and weak as a 98-year-old cripple. Something was terribly wrong so my father rushed her to the hospital.

There she was diagnosed with this rare form of tropical flu. It was native only to Southeast Asia and potentially lethal. They assumed she got it from her extensive travels to that area. My father suspected something more sinister at work. My mother had been working on this case against a team of Asian crime lords with ties to these Yakuza clans in Japan. While she and my father were used to catching heat from these guys, they were always careful and well-prepared. That didn’t mean they were untouchable. One rule of the criminal underworld is that no one is untouchable.

If my mother really was poisoned, there were no clues to follow. There was no evidence of foul play. Even someone as brilliant as my father couldn’t figure it out. He had to watch helplessly as my mother suffered for nearly three weeks in a hospital bed before slipping into a coma and dying. For me and Brian, it was pretty bloody devastating. It still haunts me to this day.

That would make a lot of sense if it didn’t feel so strange now because I’m in a body that she didn’t give birth to. Does that still make her my mother? The hell if I know. What’s even worse is this story of my life has to compete with the story of Kwannon’s.

The end of X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear brought with it many possibilities. It also brought an extra bit of feedback. I know I've been encouraging it at every turn and it's nice to see some of my urgings heeded. It gives me hope that X-men Supreme Volume 5 will be even more successful and it gives me even more reason to continue X-men Supreme after. I have big plans for this fanfiction series and the more feedback I get, the more incentive I have to realize those plans. So once again, I urge everyone to take the time to provide feedback for X-men Supreme. Either contact me directly or post it in the comments section of each issue. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

X-men #36 - Half A Case of Awesome

How many times can you bullshit someone before they start smelling the stench? This is a question that has plagued 95 percent of businessmen and 100 perent of politicians since the dawn of time. In my own personal experience, some people are more prone to sniffing it out than others. That's why some guys will actually take you seriously when you claim the expired sugar you laid out for them is a fresh line of Columbian imported blow and why some girls will actually look intrigued when you claim to be Robert Pattinson's acting coach. Those gullible people may make for good customers and brain-dead bimbos at a club, but they make lousy leaders. If your job requires you to earn trust, you had best not be a dip-shit or an asshole with your own agenda because sooner or later the non-gullible people in your crew are going to sniff you out and look for ways to nip you in the ass.

This is the position Storm finds herself in with Brian Wood's adjectiveless X-men. Since Wood began his run, Storm has been flexing her leadership muscle in the same way Keith Richards tests his tolerance to morphine. She's been leading a team of X-men at the behest of Cyclops to act as a security team of sorts. They're like the X-men's version of the CIA minus the illegal torture, off-site prisons, and cover ups if alien rectal probing. However, like the CIA, they tend to secretly give the finger to their leader behind his back. Storm spent the entire first arc avoiding her teammates' pleas to get Cyclops involved as the plot with the proto-mutants started to get heavy. She told them to suck her taint in the nicest possible way and for the most part, the team listened to her albeit begrdugingly. Then in the previous arc, some were a bit less inclined to keep kissing her ass.

Brian Wood followed his initial proto-mutant arc with a solid story about a crazy cult run by a Jesus look-a-like who saw Dawn of the Dead six times too many. The security team's mission to infiltrate the cult and extract the samples of proto-mutant DNA was a success, but for some of the members going behind Cyclops's back got old. They're pertty much all just following Storm's agenda at this point and that shit only lasts so long before it starts to smell. Now as the proto-mutant arc continues to unfold, Storm has to deal with her own teammates looking to screw her over. And now that she's a single woman again, they don't have to be as poilte about it.

X-men #36 has Brian Wood's adjectiveless team working with one of Storm's lady friends again. This one is Sabra, who was mentioned in the previous issue. She's from Mossad, which is like the Israeli version of the CIA except they're actually good at their jobs. Storm must have won many pillow fights back with her in the sorority house because she managed to convince Sabra to help apprehend a rather mundane looking guy from an airport. Hell, this guy is so mundane he could practically walk into Congress and no one would bat an eye. Seeing as how they've recently dealt with glowing eyed Jesus look-a-likes and proto-mutant monsters, this qualifies as an upgrade.

Once Sabra has Mr. Boring and Bland in custody, she presumably endures a cavity search by the TSA before bringing him to Storm and her security team. They seem intent on extracting information from this man, but not in a way that gives Dick Cheney a boner. In fact, they talk to this guy almost with the same tone that I talk to my therapist and/or parole officer. It's all remarkably casual. Storm informs the man that they know he's a proto-mutant. His official name is Mr. Sheppard and for some reason he's never popped up on the radar for mutants. Yet they know he's 700-years-old. How a guy can live that long and not be subject to a witch-burning or an embarrassing youtube video shot with a camera phone seems pretty outrageous. They also bring up the name David Michael Gray, who was the mentally unbalanced asshole who first introduced Storm's team to proto-mutants. Yet still, the conversation is remarkably casual. The man is about as collected as Mitt Romney and just as boring.

Since they probably put him on the TSA's shit-list for the foreseeable future, the X-men offer to fly Mr. Sheppard to Chicago where he was planning on going, presumably to meet up with his overlords at Acorn to receive orders from Comrade Obama (or so says Rush Limbaugh). He remains painfully boring, so much so that Pixie brings it up to Domino. Being the curious teenager who hasn't yet been corrupted by Justin Bieber, she starts to speculate on who he is and what his powers might be. To this point all the proto-mutants they've faced have been as pleasant to be around as hungry wolf on LSD. So she's understandably curious. Domino encourages her to talk to him because since when has nothing bad ever come from a cute teenage girl talking to a mysterious old man? I'm pretty sure that's a porno genre in Japan.

And like Japan, shit gets weird pretty quickly when Pixie starts talking to the guy. The man calls himself Gabriel Sheppard and he claims to have a pretty fancy array of powers for a guy that dresses like a Mormon. He's strong. He can fly. It's pretty standard for someone who has a mutation that doesn't suck. But while he seems like a nice, boring guy on the surface, he reveals that he's pretty curious about the name David Michael Gray. And when hesitates to tell him, he turns from Norman Rockwell to Chris Brown. He also reveals his powers are more exotic than indicated because he gives Pixie a bad case of glowing pink-eye and does something that ensure Colossus and Psylocke sleep through this crazy shit like every guy dating a Twilight fan slept through the Twilight movies.

It's a pretty dramatic shift from a guy that seemed so boring. Granted, it's expected that boring shit tends not to last long in an X-men comics, but the subtle way in which Brian Wood built it up helped give it an extra impact. It's like pouring hot sauce on bacon. It gives something that's already awesome an extra kick.

But not all the talking in this comic has been completely bland. As I mentioned earlier, Storm has put herself in a dangerous position with her team and the X-men as a whole by undermining Cyclops. You just don't undermine a guy who's boning Emma Frost and not suffer consequences. During another Skype conversation, Cyclops reveals that he bugged her plane and has been tracking her. It sounds like a paranoid thing to do until you recall the many reasons Storm gave him in the first proto-mutant arc. Storm claims she's withholding information for the sake of the mission, but that's like telling your parole officer that you were just holding that bag of weed for a friend. That shit just doesn't fly.

Cyclops also reveals that he knows the old sorority girls Storm has been working with. He tells her he actually found one snooping around. Yet Storm still has the audacity to urge him to trust her. But Cyclops says outright that he can only take being given the cold shoulder for so long. Unlike Emma Frost, Storm doesn't have the recent history or the big tits to earn her that kind of trust. It's a nice culmination of the ongoing tension between them and it shows that Wood can make general chit chat interesting as well. That only ensures he'll never get a job at Fox News.

Unfortunately, the conversation with Cyclops is cut short when the commotion from Sheppard's hissy fit starts rocking he plane. Storm joins the others just in time to see this normal-looking guy exhibit a similar brand of crazy eyes as the Jesus wannabe in the last arc. He seems to know now that David Michael Gray took a big steaming shit on the graves of his fellow proto-mutants and he's not too happy about it. And when Colossus tries to restrain him, he shows that he was being overly modest when he described his powers to Pixie. That strength he mentioned is apparently potent enough to allow him to throw Colossus (who is still armed with Juggernaut power mind you) out the side of the fucking plane. He also jumps right out with him, presumably because there are no flight attendants to yell at. Storm and Pixie go after him while Domino and Psylocke stay behind to land the plane. But the mere fact they have to only shows that this guy went from 0 to fucked up in record time, even for a comic.

There's a fine line in storytelling that has been a lot harder to walk in this day and age where peoples' attention spans are only as long as their latest tweet. Brian Wood seems to be making a greater effort than anyone at Marvel to walk that line. He fell flat on his ass a few times in the beginning, but recent issues have him working with much better balance. I admit the initial concept of the proto-mutant story seemed about as interesting as an economics lecture. However, Brian Wood has made it seem almost as engaging as a peep show in Amsterdam. The encounter with Gabriel Sheppard might have been as bland as buying a pack of cigarettes from a gas station, minus having to work around an accent. But in the end, the man definitely had a few surprises that made the issue feel more exciting than it probably deserves credit for.

Wood almost fell off that fine line at first. The abduction and interrogation of Gabriel Sheppard was more uneventful than a church sermon delivered by Ben Stein. There was no struggle. Hell, we don't even know if anyone's flight was delayed more than usual when Sabra abducted the guy. There was a lot of talking and not much else. It wasn't even the very interesting talking. It's not a debate with Dr. House and Neil Patrick Harris. It reminded me somewhat of my last DUI, except I didn't throw up on a state troopers boots. There's no way around it. The first half of this comic was pretty freakin' dull and you would have passed out without the aid of powerful amphetamines had Wood not picked up the pace in the end.

The end is what saved this book. The discussion with Cyclops and Storm showed just how big the rift between them has grown. And Gabriel Sheppard's ability to throw Colossus out of a plane in mid-air was just shocking enough to remind you of the time your ex girlfriend poured a pack of dry ice down your pants. The man went from dull to a Quentin Tarantino character in a very short span and like Marcelas Wallace, you just can't leave that sort of shit unfinished. Overall, the issue is only half-awesome. However, that awesome half is awesome enough to tip the balance in the same way the state of Florida rigs elections. Therefore, I give X-men #36 a 3 out of 5. Hopefully, in the next issue Wood will stop walking that fine line. He should know by now that Alfred Hitchcock is dead Michael Bay is filthily fucking rich for a reason. He would be wise to follow his example, minus the killer robots. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #29 - Emo Noir Awesome

When I was in high school, there was this girl who was so pessimistic about everything that my friends and I would play this game to see just how she could take any kind of news and turn it into Zoloft commercial. One time we told her this guy in the neighborhood who just lost his house won the lottery. She scoffed and said, "Big whoop. Now he'll just be a rich douche-bag that'll overdose on blow. This world sucks." Another time we told her that one our asshole gym teachers got fired because he came to work drunk and took a piss on the principal's desk. She said, "Big whoop. Now they'll just hire some old drill sergeant to bust our ass for the rest of the year. This world sucks." At some point, we ran out of things to tell her. She was just that much of a downer and didn't have the good sense to do what the rest of us do and get drunk to forget how much the world sucks.

I find myself thinking about that girl a lot lately because she reminds me a lot of Psylocke in Uncanny X-Force. Now I don't know what sort of crazy shit that girl from my high school went through to make her such a pessimist, but Rick Remender has documented Psylocke's descent into this dark world of Marilyn Manson-esque goth quite extensively. She lost the man she loved in the Dark Angel Saga. She had to kill her own brother in Otherworld. She even slept with Fantomex because for some reason she just couldn't bring herself to get drunk enough. Now in the current arc, she finds out that she's going to be the leader of yet another dystopian world where she treats any kind of disorder the same way Catholic nuns deal with young boys who keep Playboys under their desk.

Uncanny X-Force #28 had X-Force on the run yet again as they tried to navigate a dystopian future where their whole policy of pre-emptive killing became law. It's as if they entered a world where George W. Bush became dictator of the world. But when Psylocke found out that she was playing the role of Dick Cheney, she did what most reasonable women do when they get news that bad. She runs off and tries to kill herself. But unlike these pussy ass teens that only cut themselves with a razor blade, Psylocke jammed a fucking katana through her abdomen. By all accounts, it's a lot more effective.

Uncanny X-Force #29 has her on her last gasp of life, but in doing so she did to this twisted dystopian future what Marty McFly almost did to the space time continuum when he almost boned his mother. Time is a real bitch, but in the Marvel universe it's more like that annoying rectal itch that you can smear with lotion and ignore. The lotion (or maybe the rectal itch) is the Punisher in this instance. After he and the rest of Psylocke's peace through murder crew sense someone is butt-fucking father time, he hunts down Psylocke and stops her before she can twist her katana to finish the job. So in the future, even the act of killing yourself is regulated. It's disturbing how probable that is given the current political climate.

Like every politician during election season, bitch Betsy's dystopian forces are quick to attack any threat to them being unseated from power. After the Punisher rips the katana out of her hand before she can gut herself any further, she tries a different approach in throwing herself off a building. Perhaps she should have led with that. I know there's the whole belly cutting thing from kung fu movies, but when there's a dystopian future at stake I think the gods understand taking a less glamorous approach. Unfortunately for Psylocke, Cable shows up and catches her. Psylocke yells at him for allowing this fucked up future to happen. Like any guy who has no other hobbies aside from shooting people, Cable claims that her iron fist in the future is what holds society together. For most people, that's like keeping you in line by crazy gluing fire ants to your asshole.

But before Cable can take Psylocke away to put her on suicide watch, AOA Nightcrawler shows up to teleport her away from Cable's clutches. They surmise in as reasonable a way a kill squad can that giving Betsy over to the people working for her twisted counterpart is a bad idea. Bitch Betsy's forces attempt to get her back, but non-Bitch Betsy continues to tap her inner emo by grabbing one of Deadpool's gun and trying to shoot herself. You may think this suicide stuff is getting a bit excessive, but keep in mind you're reading Uncanny X-Force. This is the same series that shot a kid in the head in the first fucking arc. If anything, I'm surprised Remender didn't play up this angle earlier. Add a Linkin Park album and some goth makeup and you've got yourself a story that Edgar Allen Poe himself would approve of.

But like the asshole that walks in on the girl when she's in the process of slitting her wrists, Betsy's crusade of self-destruction comes to an abrupt end when her older bitchier counterpart gets through to her and uses her telepathy to shut her mind down. Now less we forget, Psylocke does not have a healing factor. So that nasty self-inflicted wound to the gut is still bleeding profusely. So it's not like making her take a nap is going to save her life. The timeline of this dystopian future is still unraveling faster than OJ Simpson's alibi. So both X-Force and Bitch Betsy's forces know they have to save her less Father Time butt fucks them back.

At this point, Psylocke blacks out as she's hovering at that thin line between life, death, or taking way too much acid. There might be some acid in the mix because while walking this line, she has one of the nicer near death experiences that doesn't involve seeing all your old relatives or getting sodomized by Satan's minions. She meets up with Angel again. Well, a dream version of him anyways. They go on this nice, pleasant journey through what looks like a beautiful field that would get bulldozed and paved for a Wal Mart in a second if it were real. This is where Remender really plays up the emotion where Warren essentially tells Psylocke she needs to stop obsessing over what happened to him and live on. He's essentially giving the finger to every Evanescence song ever written.

Emotion in a series like Uncanny X-Force may seem out of place on the surface, but Rick Remender has been known to utilize it before and he definitely does that here to great effect. He doesn't just do it so readers have a chance to stop dry heaving from all the violence either. This moment plays off all the emotional turmoil Psylocke has been experiencing since the Dark Angel Saga. It actually feels like a logical progression of the story, which may not sound like much if you read comics hammered and just look at the pages with the most tits. But it is definitely the mark of a comic that sets itself apart by being extra awesome.

After Psylocke has her moment with Angel, she wakes up in Bitch Psylocke's domain. She's understandably pissed, but Bitch Psylocke is about as relaxed as Tom Brady after he knocks up another supermodel. This scene plays up emotion of a very different kind. They start discussing the merits of imposing this peace by essentially scaling up X-Force's strategy of kill first and ask questions after you've had time to get drunk. What's interesting here is neither Psylocke convinces the other that they're right. They just make their position clear and they're left to prove themselves.

But what about the rest of X-Force? Did Bitch Psylocke just bring her back to have a little chat with herself in a way that isn't a symptom of mental illness? Maybe that would happen in comics that sucked, but this is Rick fucking Remender. The rest of X-Force came with them and along the way they learn more about the circumstances that led to this dystopian shit stain of a timeline. Bitch Psylocke's people aren't interested in seeing their timeline fall apart so they tell them more about the event that led to this future, which was hinted at in the last issue. It involved the new Brotherhood of Mutants and their influence over an impressionable kid Apocalypse. If they want a shot at any future, they need to find a way to stop these assholes and they can't do that if they go back knowing the timeline they create is this shitty. It's sort of a catch 22 for this dystopian future, but that's as close as you'll get to hope in any dystopian future I guess.

So Bitch Psylocke sends X-Force back in time to take on the Brotherhood and Kid Apocalypse. It seems like X-Force is coming full circle. This series started with them taking on a kid Apocalypse. It seems it'll have to end with them taking him on yet again. But visiting the future does tend to create some unusual wrinkles as every episode of Dr. Who has shown. This future offered an ominous yet strangely boner inducing hint at the end. After the team leaves, Bitch Psylocke and Bitch Wolverine share a kiss that would only be disturbing if you pictured them doing it naked. Or maybe you may be into the whole elder porn shit, but even if you aren't it definitely has an impact. Given all the other emotional shit Remender has thrown into this book, the emotions of every reader should be more beat up than a Mexican in Joe Arpio's jurisdiction.

I'm not usually too emotion unless I'm watching a football game I bet money on. There's a time and a place for emotional stories and there's a time and a place for savoring reckless violence and getting drunk with your buddies in a bar you later trash when they try to serve you light beer. Rick Remender has had plenty of blood-soaked issues of Uncanny X-Force that would make even Bill Belicheck raise an eyebrow, but every now and then he does reserve a few issues here and there for emotions. This issue was one of those issues and like the many other he's done to this point, he does it with the kind of skill that soak the panties of every woman that ever bought a copy of 50 Shades of Grey.

Psylocke's emotional journey took center stage here, not just from her present self but from her future cold-hearted bitch self as well. All the emotions going back to losing Warren up until the clusterfuck that also involved fucking Fantomex is given a greater context. In a sense future Betsy sees what all the murder, heartache, and stench from Fantomex's semen has caused her. In a ways Remender shows the reader how Psylocke got to this point and what makes it compelling is that she and X-Force left without a clear indication that it'll change. The end left an ambiguous hint that Psylocke was still on this path, but her kissing Wolverine (a guy whose Asian fetish is only as famous as his redhead fetish) also hints that something else happened along the way. It's the kind of depth that Avengers vs. X-men had until very recently and one that makes this issue one that will make you feel for Psylocke in a way that almost makes it hard to jerk off to thoughts of her in a kimono...almost.

The emotion in this issue was still coupled with some action. However, that action was a bit light and underdone. That's okay though because the focus on this issue was the emotion. Sometimes it was left too ambiguous, but it leaves the door open for other emotional plots to be revisited after X-Force is done bathing in the blood the new Brotherhood and putting another bullet in between the eyes of Kid Apocalypse. Uncanny X-Force has many different elements and Remender has explored almost all of them in recent issues. Uncanny X-Force #29 helps tie together a story that has been evolving wonderfully since the end of the Otherworld arc and for that I give it a 4.5 out of 5. So if you want an epic story that's so epic that the writers actually forget the point of actually telling, read Fear Itself or the latest issue of Avengers vs. X-men. But if you want an epic story that's epic because the writer is actually sober (or high) enough to make it a worthwhile story, read Uncanny X-Force. Nuff said!

X-men #33 - Backfiring Awesome

Here's something to do if you're bored on a Sunday. Quick question, how do you fuck with a creationist? It's as easy as claiming god gave you a special golden tablet that explained in graphic detail all the reasons why evolution was true. And in order for the creationist to see it, they have to do everything you say and take your word on faith. If they're even partially as gullible as the average creationist, you can get them to do some pretty twisted shit. I'm still waiting for this one creationist to finish counting the blades of grass in the state of Montana. I know it's a little cruel, but it just keeps getting funnier with every passing second.

Brian Wood's adjectiveless X-men isn't quite as satisfying as fucking with a creationist direction, but the indirect approach works just as well. Since he began his run on this series, he's taken a different approach compared to Victor Gischler. Rather than big flashy events that capitalize on the Twilight and True Blood crowds, he favors a more steady approach by building up a story gradually while teaching a lesson in evolution in the process. Somewhere out there, Bill Nye the Science Guy is smiling and Kirk Cameron is shitting himself.

The story involves Storm trying to subvert Cyclops while her security team seeks to uncover a mystery surrounding a group of resurrected proto-mutants. Someone with too much free time and too many PHDs is using proto-mutant DNA to resurrect them and attack random parts of the world for shits and giggles. In X-men #32, Storm continued to play hardball with her team despite their incessant desire to whine to Cyclops. Her stubbornness paid off when they managed to find out the name and location of the asshole that's behind these attacks. Now Wood's inaugural arc finally has the promise of some classic X-men ass-kicking.

X-men #33 has the security team putting that intel they uncovered in the previous issue to good use. They know who's behind these proto-mutant attacks. His name is David Michael Gray. You couldn't find a duller name outside of a Mormon temple so you would be forgiven for not expecting much on the initial attack. Storm, who still hasn't called Cyclops, leads her security team on an attack in the facility over the Mediterranean. They don't walk up to the front door and ring the bell either. They're the X-men. If they're not jumping out of a plane and giving gravity the finger, they're not trying very hard. Unfortunately, Gray is ready for them. He throws another proto-mutant at them in the form of another rock monster. This ensures that the ride down will be rough and gravity has a chance to get back at them.

When the X-men do land, they're welcomed with the same warmth that Richard Dawkins is when he visits the Vatican. Some more proto-mutant monsters are down there waiting for them. They're not too similar to the monsters they've faced in previous issue. It's your standard monster dog with three heads and swamp creature with a vagina-like face. There's some decent action here, but it's not all that epic. That's not as disappointing as it sounds because pretty much none of the battles against the proto-mutants have been on the level of Cyclops kicking Sinister in the balls. That's not how they've been developed by Wood. So while it may still keep in line with the characterization he's done for these proto-mutants thus far, it's still somewhat underwhelming.

It gets a bit more exotic if that's the right word when Colossus fights off the giant shit ball that attacked him in the sky. Once again giving the finger to gravity, he falls towards the surface and literally comes crashing right into Dr. Gray's lab. Like everywhere Colossus goes when he's in his Juggernaut form, he makes quite a mess. But Dr. Gray is no Gordon Ramsey when it comes to the neatness of his lab. In fact, he's no more intimidated than an unneutered pit-bull at a poodle grooming contest. Even with a Juggernaut powered Colossus approaching him, he claimed he just didn't have the parental instincts or give enough fucks to make these proto-mutants anything more than shitty science experiments. So rather than let Colossus kick his ass, he pulls a fucking gun on turns it on himself. Then before Colossus can knock his skull out through his colon, he blows his brains out.

It's not the most unexpected twist Wood could have thrown into the mix. It's not even the most gruesome. There are far more gruesome things in half the pages of a single issue of Uncanny X-Force. While it won't shock the readers, it will raise a few eyebrows because Dr. Gray didn't seem all that broken up about offing himself. Hell, he did it with the same smile most guys get when they manage to sneak a channel in the cheerleaders dressing room. It implies that this story isn't done, but this part of it sure is. It doesn't end in a very epic manner, but it doesn't end in an overly traditional manner either. So again, it's underwhelming without being disappointing.

After Dr. Gray offs himself, Colossus does a little scavenging throughout the lab. He finds out that the typical array of papers, materials, and hard drives (most of which are presumably loaded with Russian porn) have already been removed from the lab. So not only are they too late, they don't have any data to help them figure out why Dr. Gray would start dry-humping the crazy whore. But Dr. Gray does manage to leave them something that probably doubles as another "fuck you" of sorts. In the last issue, we got a quick glimpse into the history of the proto-mutants, namely from a figure known as Ister. He's the reason why the X-men were able to find Dr. Gray. Ister also had a sister. Well, Dr. Gray wasn't content to just fuck up Ister, he left his dead sister behind as well. Colossus takes her in his arms and reflects a bit on how she was ill-suited for both worlds she was a part of. It's tragic, but in a more poetic way than just saying "Fuck, she's dead." So I credit Brian Wood for trying to inject a little Shakespearean class.

Not content to just let Dr. Gray have the last laugh, the security team takes Ister's sister and prepares a little ceremony for the both of them on a beach. It's a nice ceremony, but one that only partially distracts the reader from the fact that the battle against the proto-mutants was essentially glossed over. There was no scene showing how the X-men attempted to clean up the mess left by the proto-mutants or look further into Dr. Gray's lab. Hell, we barely got a chance to see any X-man shine against the proto-mutants. Instead, we get an overly dramatic scene where we see Psylocke still struggling with having had Ister's mind in hers. There are some subtle hints about how she's lost her ability to give more than half a fuck in Uncanny X-Force. But she does make clear that learning about the proto-mutants has affected her and will affect mutants as whole. That shit is all well and good until you remember the still haven't fucking told anybody about this shit yet.

Moreover, Storm points out during the ceremony that Dr. Gray was overly prepared for them. In any comic that's both a sign that they have something else up their sleeve that is going to come back to bite them and that they fucked up on some level. You can sense that Colossus is fighting with all his Juggernaut strength to stop himself from telling Ororo "I told you so" with respect to not calling Cyclops. You think if Emma Frost was there that Dr. Gray would have been able to off himself that quickly? Fuck, Emma Frost would make him think he's Paris Hilton's chihuahua before he could pull the trigger. Yet that conversation never comes up, much to Colossus's credit. But Storm does acknowledge it. She talks about how Cyclops trusted her to be the conscious of the team after Schism when his is clearly compromised. Boning Emma Frost will do that. Now I'm not sure how the fuck this story deals with that, but if nothing else it shows that Storm is willing to keep secrets from Cyclops and keep them well.

So much of this story and many of my drunken rants revolve around Storm's utter aversion to calling Cyclops. She seems to be trying to prove a point and the fact they lost Dr. Gray and pretty much got absolutely jack shit from this ploy of hers only proves that keeping secrets in a world with Emma Frost sleeping with Cyclops and Magneto as part of the X-men is not a good idea. So it's pretty fitting in the end that the final panel has Storm actually calling Cyclops. Again, it's almost poetic in a sense that it forces Storm to humble herself somewhat. It's something she's always been good at doing, but this particular scene definitely gives the arc a solid feeling of finality.

Some arcs have all the potential in the world to be awesome, but never fully realize that potential. Most of the time, the story ends up crashing and burning like a binge drinker who foolishly takes up his buddy's dare to enter a drag race. But some of those stories end partially satisfying. They don't qualify as being fully awesome. They're like eating only half a slice of pizza or only getting half a blowjob. It's still good, but not as awesome as you want it to be. I like Brian Wood. I think his writing style is solid and I respect what he's trying to do with this series. I just don't think he succeeds in making it as compelling as it could have been.

The issue is how the story has dragged a bit over the past few issues. There's been a lot of talk, but not much action when you get right down to it. Granted, a lot of that talking has made for some interesting drama and a lot of that drama carried over nicely into this issue. Wood ended the arc in a very appropriate manner, having Storm call Cyclops after having made such a big deal about keeping him out of the loop. The problem was the confrontation with David Michael Gray and how abrupt it was. Granted, it was quite a twist to just have him kill himself. He clearly had other forces at work and I'm not just talking about a chemical imbalance in his brain. But the battle against the X-men and the proto-mutants didn't come off as all that epic. Hell, it wasn't even partially epic like you want the final battle in every arc to be. It just ended. It wasn't sloppy or poorly handled. It was just too short and bland. It's like the diet Coke of endings rather than a Coke Zero.

I kept with this series because I liked how Brian Wood was developing this story, focusing more on character issues rather than just conjuring random conflicts and throwing the X-men into them. This one drew on issues that have been lingering since Schism and highlighted them in a way that probably should have been done six months ago. He still manages to capture the dramatic elements well, but without the kind of action that leaves the desired impact you're still left underwhelmed even if you weren't disappointed. As such, I give X-men #33 a 3 out of 5. The potential is still there. Wood hasn't thrown it away and if nothing else, he showed that he's got a vision for this series and that vision has the potential to be pretty damn awesome. Hopefully the other half of that pizza/blowjob emerges in future arcs. Nuff said!