X-men Legacy #260.1 - A New Legacy of Awesome

I tend to catch my share of flack for my drunken rantings on this blog. Sometimes it help that I'm too drunk to even remember the shit I wrote at times. My review for X-men Legacy #260 wasn't one of those reviews. I admit it was a bittersweet and disappointing moment in my history of drunken rants. I was genuinely dismayed at how Mike Carey chose to end his run on X-men Legacy, a book that he spent years turning into one of the most consistently awesome X-books on the racks. Between a seemingly needless plot with a needless character revival and needless scenes that show Magneto and Rogue swapping body fluids, there was too much for even my robust liver to process. But that doesn't mean I've given up on X-men Legacy and that doesn't mean my view on these characters is tainted, although the same can't be said for Rogue's pussy anymore.

The final issue of X-men Legacy (after the bullshit plot with Ariel was over), showed Rogue and most of her Legacy crew heading to Westchester to help Wolverine build the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning. It ended one era of X-men comics and entered another. So to set the stage for what this new era will entail, X-men Legacy released another one of Marvel's .1 issues under a new writer, Christos Gage. Aside from reminding me that I suck at math, this book also reminds readers that Mike Carey is gone. His legacy has been established and now it's Gage's turn to build on it. Despite the last issue, he has a daunting challenge ahead of him. He's like Peyton Manning's backup, sheltered behind a star and given very little chance. But Gage can still show that he's more Aaron Rogers than Curtis Painter. To do that, he'll have to show how the Legacy crew functions at the Jean Grey Institute and make it awesome.

He begins X-men Legacy #260.1 with the basics. Those football metaphors weren't just because I get extra drunk for the NFL playoffs every year. It was actually a prelude. Gage's first act for the legacy crew is for them to play a friendly game of mutant football on the grounds of the newly constructed institute. I never like to get too excited by just one panel, but I'm already liking the way Gage is thinking. It's what you would expect of a game of football if someone gave the Oakland Raiders steroids. It's full of superpowers, trash talk, and Rockslide gets obliterated worse than Joe Theisman's leg. Sure, he heals, but it's a nice light-hearted moment for the Legacy crew. Definitely a step up from Rogue boning Magneto.

The game ends in a way that was only slightly less exciting than the way the Broncos/Steelers Wild Card game ended where Tim Tebow cost me fifty bucks. Rockslide gets obliterated while Rogue shows off the control she has of her powers by not only pulling his sorry ass together, but making him more badass. It doesn't go unnoticed by Gambit, who has had a boner for her since Clinton was getting head from Monica. But this demonstration of control has a much larger message that Gambit and Frenzy realize. Rogue is moving forward with her newfound control and Gambit really is the same douche-bag he was back on Utopia, constantly looking for ways to bone her. Frenzy points this out to him, who still has wet panties for Cyclops. But neither are in a position to really bust each others balls so they agree to leave it in the past. They probably should have also agreed to check out a mysterious portal that opened not far from where Rockslide got the Ray Lewis treatment, but boners and wet panties come first I suppose.

That portal quickly turns into yet another crisis for the Jean Grey Institute. Fresh off the attack by Karoka, a sudden invasion of demons from another realm seems less daunting. Now some may be asking where the fuck these demons came from and how can they not be contrived? Well they actually serve a purpose here. While the Legacy crew and some of the Wolverine and the X-men crew get ready for battle, Beast actually uses this as an opportunity to lecture younger mutants on the finer points of demons. He assures everyone and the execs at Marvel that they're not ripoffs of the Alien movies. They're the N'garai, who hang out with the elder god, Cthon. I slept through my class on Marvel universe mythology so I won't begin to get into that, but makes this compelling is that Beast uses this lecture to essentially narrate what the X-men are up against. This way the reader doesn't have to sour wikipedia or get high to make their own conclusions. It's still a cliched demon invasion, but at least Christos Gage tries to make it feel logical.

And as true logic dictates, when demons come knocking on your door you treat them the same way you would treat a Jehovah's Witness. You fight back and if necessary, beat the everloving shit out of them. Like in previous Legacy books, Rogue leads the charge with Frenzy, Gambit, and Rachel Grey providing support. Even other non Legacy members like Iceman and Cannonball get involved, which helps make this book really feel like it's part of Team Wolverine now. In the background, Beast keeps lecturing as to how these creatures were sealed before and how they got out. It amounts to magic being an inexact (and horribly inefficient) science.

What really makes a .1 issue stand out in addition to reminding readers that math sucks is that it's organized as a much more coherent, self-contained story. Beast's lecture along with the battle between the Legacy crew and the N'garai help give this book the coherent feel that's so important to these titles. They could easily cut that shit out and make this just another issue of X-men Legacy. But then we wouldn't find out that all those little demons that the Legacy crew were slaying were the equivalent of worker ants. If you kill enough of them, the queen is going to take notice and as nature dictates the queen (or Mabdhara as Beast describes it) is always bigger and meaner than any of the other creatures. Except this one actually talks and threatens to use the bodies of the X-men to make the portal into her realm wider, presumably so she can move more of her shit into their domain. Sounds a lot like my ex-girlfriend, but not quite as cruel.

The battle quickly turns against the Legacy crew. The Mabdhara, also like my ex-girlfriend, is much meaner and more aggressive than her warrior drones. She quickly surrounds the Legacy crew and begins to overwhelm them. Then in true Legacy fashion, Rogue takes charge and comes up with a plan. She leaves the others to hold their own for a while, which sounds like a dick move until you find out what she's doing. First, she gets Cannonball's volatile sister, Paige, to take care of the demons that snuck past the X-men. Then she borrows powers from a couple of students. She doesn't even make them feel woozy either like she used to. She just reassures them that all the loud banging noises are nothing to be worried about. That's what my landlord told me about the neighbors/S&M club in my old apartment building. You know it's bullshit, but you just learn to accept it.

Armed with these new powers, Rogue storms out like an elemental titan. She has the size and grandeur of Kaorka, who joined the institute at the end of the first arc of Wolverine and the X-men. She also has Idie's powers. So the Mabdhara and her N'garai thugs really don't stand a chance. Rogue looks as badass as you would expect in an X-men Legacy book, stomping out the demon hoards in the same way 11th grade English class stomps out a student's will to live. Gambit, Frenzy, and the others get a few shots in, but it's Rogue who sends the demons packing. They eventually realize that they stand no chance and tuck whatever qualifies as their dicks between their legs and runs off.

It's a visually stunning way to end a fight that was nicely drawn out and perfectly orchestrated. These were all marks of Mike Carey's run and Christos Gage continues that theme nicely. Moreover, he continues the progress that Rogue made throughout Carey's run. Before Carey, Rogue really couldn't control her powers and she didn't have much authority with the X-men. This scene sends a clear message. Rogue not only has control. She has the credibility and respect of the other X-men. She's seen as a leader, a role that Cyclops took from her after Second Coming. It not only builds on what Mike Carey established, but it takes it to a new level under Gage.

The demons are gone and the inevitable clean-up begins. We're left to assume that the Jean Grey Institute either has significant emergency funds or the most understanding insurance company in the history of the universe. But while they're cleaning, Rogue and Gambit have a chat. But it's not the kind of chat you would expect from two characters that have been undressing each other with their eyes for nearly two decades. She just reminds Gambit that she has more control over herself than she did before, which probably means she's not going to be letting him in her panties anytime soon. Gambit really doesn't push either. It seems pretty pointless in some ways because most X-men readers know of their history. It seems utterly lost on them. It just reinforces what Rogue's huge display of power already made apparent. She's determined to protect the kids of the school from the kind of bullshit that fucked her up for years. It's a nice way of setting up the theme for X-men Legacy, but utterly ignores the underlying drama between these characters.

Not content to deal with old drama, Gage throws in a twist at the end to set up a new kind of drama. Since Rogue doesn't seem keen on inviting Gambit for a post-victory fuck, he meets up with Frenzy. It's understandable too since they're both struggling with dramas that involve love interests that won't fuck them. Gambit reflects on how Rogue doesn't depend on anybody anymore, therefore making her less inclined to sleep with him. Frenzy still belittles him, but that doesn't stop them from sharing a nice kiss at the end. It sounds random, but given all the sexual frustration these two endure it's amazing they haven't humped the first thing with a pulse.

I'm not against Gambit/Frenzy becoming a new couple. Let's face it, it's nowhere near as fucked up as some of the other pairings Marvel has thrown together over the years. This is one I'm sure some fans won't mind jerking off to, but others might be a bit put off by how Gambit and Rogue just seem completely uninterested in one another. Granted, Gambit's still probably emasculated after Rogue boned Magneto, but his relationship with her has never been overtly addressed. It feels like this relationship is being set up before the details surrounding Gambit and Rogue are filled in. Seeing as how Gambit/Rogue has some pretty rabid fans out there, I imagine this is going to piss them off worse than Tim Tebow pisses off atheists.

Whenever a comic goes through a transitional period, it's expected to be a little rough at times. It's not unlike taking a really big shit after having binged on tacos after getting drunk at two in the morning. It's a painful, yet necessary part of the process of life. The transition from Mike Carey to Christos Gage wasn't quite as messy. At times it was hard to notice a real change since so many of Mike Carey's stories are so deeply entrenched. But Gage definitely established a different tone. Now it's really not clear if this is just because the team is now at the Jean Grey Institute, in which case it wouldn't have mattered if Mike Carey stayed. But this issue really came off as Gage's attempt to show that he could write an X-men comic. At times it seems like he tries too hard, but he still succeeds.

Gage was very basic here. He had the Legacy crew interacting with a number of other Team Wolverine characters and each other. Not a whole lot was revealed from this. Rogue is still an aspiring leader and visionary, but her interactions with the others really didn't show much drama. She still looked pretty badass with how she used her powers, which she did daily in Carey's run so it's nice to see that Gage has kept that tradition. The final scene with Frenzy and Gambit seemed only somewhat random, but it didn't feel nearly as contrived as it could have been. Gambit and Rogue haven't been shown as being into each other since George W. Bush was still president. It's long overdue that something else come along and establish a new sense of drama.

Overall, this was a solid first issue for Gage. It had everything one could want in an X-men Legacy comic. It does a great job of taking the tone established by Jason Aaron in Wolverine and the X-men and integrating it into the style of storytelling of X-men Legacy. It's definitely a transition book and these books are always difficult to grade. Like my old algebra class, you have to use a curve or else you'll just skew the results. So with that in mind I'm giving X-men Legacy #260.1 a 4 out of 5. Part of me wants it to be lower. Part of me wants it a bit higher. But Gage really didn't make too many egregious mistakes here and he did utilize some compelling plots. So for that, I'll leave this score as tentative. Whether or not it sticks depends on how future issues are developed. For now, this is a solid X-men Legacy title. I'm sure I'll still catch shit for my assessment of this and previous X-men Legacy issues. That only means I have more excuses to get drunk. Thanks haters! Nuff said.

X-men Legacy #260 - The End of a Legacy

Whenever a great era in anything ends there's some sort of fanfare. In the old days people would celebrate with drinking, parades, and orgies whichever came first. Comics have their share of eras. There was the golden age, the silver age, the guilded age, the fuck-comics-will-make-us-rich age, and the fuck-we're-going-bankrupt age. They all had their moments and the X-men were often part of those moments. As Marvel's biggest and often most overblown series, it's not uncommon for writers to make their mark on the books. It's just uncoming that they make that mark for so long. Chris Claremont did it for nearly two decades. The closest second...Mike Carey's run on X-men Legacy, which officially came to an end with issue 260.

The issues leading up to this final arc have been some of Mike Carey's best. He was able to tell a story that not only got Rachel, Havok, and Polaris back in the picture, but also utilized aliens. It's like the hot sauce of comics. A dash of aliens can spice up any story. But with two issues left, Mike Carey's next challenge was a bit more daunting. He had to catch X-men Legacy up with the events of Regenesis. He also had to have Havok, Rachel, and Polaris adjust to the new status quo of the X-men because before they were MIA, the team was still operating out of San Francisco and there wasn't another red haired, green eyed mutant messiah that looked like Jean Grey with Phoenix powers running around. While it was disappointing that we never saw just how far their jaws fell to the floor, it did open up another conflict involving another character that is supposed to be dead. That would be Ariel. Apparently, there was more demand to bring her back after her death in Second Coming (not more than two fucking years ago mind you) than Jean Grey. Now I have no idea where that demand is or how Marvel surmised it. I've been trying to smoke enough weed to help me wrap my head around it. So far no luck and my sperm count is now at 0. Thanks Marvel!

X-men Legacy #259 set up the last big moment for Mike Carey and as anyone that has followed his run to some degree would expect, it involves Rogue. It follows her as she makes her decision on who to follow after the big Schism. While we already know she goes with Wolverine, Carey is telling a story that shows she didn't just flip a fucking coin to figure this out. She's one of the few X-men that are respected in nearly every circle so she has incentive NOT to fuck this up. But while she was deciding, she discovered that they encountered a guest of sort when she made her way back to Earth with Rachel, Havok, and Polaris. Apparently, Ariel wasn't dead. She just got trapped in between dimensions. It's sort of like being lost on the Jersey Turnpike, but not quite as hazardous.

X-men Legacy #260 starts out by explaining just how Ariel ended up in this mess. Rogue fills in the blanks, flashing back to the events of Second Coming for those whose attention span with comics doesn't go back more than a few years. She was looking for Hope along with Wolverine and X-23. Then Bastion showed up and hit them with a missile. Being a teleporter, Ariel did what any normal human being would do that doesn't involve shitting her pants. She tried to teleport away. Like the knee-jerk reaction to zip up your pants when your mother catches you masturbating, it does not turn out well. Except instead of a scarred scrotum, you end up stuck between dimensions.

After Rogue tells her story to Cyclops and the science team, they put it on her shoulders to find a way to get Ariel back in one piece. Since she's the key to getting to this dimensional back alley, she has to be responsible. While she's musing over how she's going to handle this shit, she catches up with Rachel. We still never see her reaction to all the changes that have taken place since she's been gone or her opinion on Hope Summers if she has one. If it doesn't bother her that someone with the Phoenix Force (something she used to possess at least in part) that also looks like her dead mother is running around, then space fucked her up more than all the liquor in Las Vegas. She seems more concerned about Korvus, the alien she engaged in a little inter-species fetish play for a while. Rachel laments how Korvus isn't getting along well with the others. Losing his connection to the Phoenix Force just fucked him up. While it's nice they mention the Phoenix Force, they really don't seem to touch on the simple fact that the potential source is right on the island.

This is yet another missed opportunity. I was hoping that at some point Mike Carey would take some time to show Rachel, Havok, and Polaris reacting to Hope Summers. There's a very good reason to bring it up. During their adventure in space, Rachel and Korvus lost their connection to the Phoenix Force. Yet they don't even bother to mention Hope Summer? That's not just a missed opportunity. That's a ass ugly oversight of cosmic proportions. Even if Cyclops just told them off hand to not mention the Phoenix around Hope, it would have been enough. But it's flat out ignored here. For Mike Carey, that's enormously disappointing because he usually doesn't let plots like this dangle. This is a 900 pound gorilla fucking a giant squid and he's able to ignore it. Go figure.

The story quickly goes back to rescuing Ariel, a character that pretty much nobody mentioned or seemed to give three tenths of a shit about until this arc. Rogue manages to catch up with Hellion, who in an early X-men Legacy arc amped up his douche-factor to 11 when he nearly killed someone. She convinces him to help in this rescue effort. Frenzy even loans her some invulnerability like she did in the last arc. Cyclops and Dr. Nemesis express as much confidence as they probably would in Rick Santorum's presidential campaign. But they give Rogue a chance to do what she does best aside from wearing uniforms that show almost as much cleavage as Emma Frost.

The dimension they enter isn't very elaborate or detailed for that matter. In fact, it's pretty basic. Ariel is still a disembodied mess like she was at the end of the previous issue. Only a minor struggle ensues. Again, there's more missed potential for story here. It could have been much more of a spectacle. However, it isn't a walk down South Beach with a bag of cocaine and couple of half-naked supermodels. Hellion has to step it up here and actually save a life rather than recklessly endanger one. Yeah, he's still a douche after what he did in Legacy and in X-23. But he actually is able to step up in a way that's actually heroic.

Now if you read X-23 #19 (and you totally should), you may come off thinking that Hellion is a complete asshole. Well he is to some degree, but this comic shows he's capable of being a decent human being. He's able to take Ariel in her disembodied form and put her back together cell by cell. That's like trying to paint a mural with the head of a fucking pin blindfolded. And he pulls it off. Ariel is back in one piece and Dr. Nemesis has to say he was wrong to underestimate Rogue. Ah, who am I kidding. Dr. Nemesis never says he's wrong! He just concedes that Ariel is alive and starts treating her. So Marvel brings her back and keeps Jean Grey dead? I honestly don't know what to make of it.

That notion alone is mind-boggling enough. But what happens next is so fucked up that I can't describe it without shooting high-grade moonshine into my brain stem. After Rogue succeeds in rescuing Ariel, the scene shifts to that night and for reasons that aren't explained in any great detail she's naked in bed with Magneto. No, this isn't some poorly done piece of NC-17 fanfiction. No I'm not so high that I'm hallucinating my own comics again. This actually happens. Rogue is in bed with Magneto, they've presumably just swapped body fluids, and they're cuddling up in ways that give Twilight fans pussy boners. This after only a few issues back Rogue tells Magneto that she owes him nothing and doesn't see past all the bullshit he's inflicted. Yet she still bones him? After nothing was resolved with her and Gambit? I expect this shit from bad fanfiction writers that didn't complete 7th grade English, but not from Mike Carey. He's been very careful with the Rogue/Magneto relationship at times, but this is just a complete overfuck of the situation that I can't make sense of this with a sober or drunk mind.

This is worse than a missed opportunity. This is Mike Carey screwing up something that he was once the best at NOT screwing up. Other less talented writers are supposed to do shitty transitions that are random and completely out of character. Mike Carey is supposed to be more talented than that and for most of his run, he has been. So why the lapse? Why now of all times does he just throw Rogue and Magneto in bed together with no rhyme or reason? It does absolutely nothing to further the story in this issue. All it does is take a big steaming shit on an incredible legacy that Mike Carey spent years building.

After waking up from a hangover and cleaning up the vomit stains from this scene, we get another hastily glossed over plot that was also a missed opportunity. Korvus, still fucked up from not having the Phoenix Force anymore, is sent to meet up with the space thugs that the X-men crossed paths with during the last major arc. Apparently the whole relationship he built up with Rachel means jack shit now because he's sent to be the captain of this band of degenerates. Remember, their last captain screwed them over. Pretty much anyone aside from a drunk would be an upgrade. It's a decision that you would expect would have more drama, but it just seems like a way to get Korvus out of the picture because he wasn't message boards excited enough.

The whole issue is in a tailspin at this point, but in the end Mike Carey does manage to get his shit back on track before the stench becomes too overpowering. After all this random shit that pretty much destroys the issue, it finally gets back to the central theme of Rogue deciding on which side to join. She confronts Cyclops and basically tells him in a well-thought out and well-reasoned way that he's changed. It used to be that he had all these doubts and insecurities. Then he started boning Emma Frost and united the X-men and suddenly his balls are too big for the universe to handle. Well that worries Rogue and she actually tells Cyclops that he needs those insecurities. With that criticism, she decides to go with Wolverine and her role in the X-men Regenesis status quo is cemented. Then with Ariel, she travels to the ruins of the Xavier Institute to begin the rebuilding process with Wolverine. If only she had time to rebuild the damage to her credibility in this issue, but even the physics of comic books have limits.

Now I can't take anything away from Mike Carey. His run was a success by pretty much every measure. You don't have one of the longest tenures in the history of X-men without being successful on some levels. Mike Carey has delivered some amazing X-men stories, some of which I've reviewed and gone out of my way to praise in ceremonies that involve animal sacrifice. However, this was a shitty way to end such a wonderful run. So much wasted potential and some inexcusable WTF with Rogue and Magneto makes this issue a real disappointment. Mike Carey made his run special by focusing on character-based stories. He was great at scrutinizing the little things and avoiding the random WTF moments that you see in comics with more flash than flare. Reading this issue, you would never know that these were his strengths. They rescue Ariel. That's all find and dandy, but it really doesn't fit into what Rogue and the others were dealing with regarding Schism. That and her boning Magneto just destroyed the credibility that Carey spent half a decade building up.

While it was a disappointing issue, there were some strong elements that deserve praise. The final scene with Rogue and Scott was definitely the highlight. She actually addressed an important issue that has played out in other books like Schism and Uncanny X-men. She tells Cyclops that those doubts and insecurities he used to have are now a strength. His current attitude just doesn't work for her and pretty much everyone else that decided to go with Wolverine. She spoke for the entire Legacy crew minus Magneto. In addition, Ariel's little foray into other dimensions was resolved. Yes, it came at the expense of other conflicts involving Rachel, the Shi'ar, and other characters that people give more fucks about. But it was resolved.

So now that Mike Carey's run is over, I'm left with mixed feelings. I feel as though he should have ended with the arc that brought Havok, Rachel, and Polaris back because that would have ended everything on a high note. Instead, he had to do this one two-issue arc that leaves fans scratching their heads and vomiting uncontrollably from the thought of Rogue giving head to a guy that's probably three times her age. It really is a disappointment, but it doesn't take away from all the other great stories that Mike Carey has told. His legacy with X-men Legacy is solid if not somewhat cracked by these final two issues. I give X-men Legacy #260 a 2 out of 5, but Mike Carey's run in general is beyond scoring. He's done more for the X-books than most writers or fans could ever hope to do without blowing every top executive at Marvel and Disney several times over. So the bullshit in this issue not withstanding, I thank Mike Carey from the bottom of my heart for his work. May his legacy live on in the wet dreams of every Rogue fan from here until the end of time! Nuff said.

X-men Legacy #259 - Penultimate Mystery Awesome

The end of an era is always vulnerable to a certain level of fucked upedness. When someone spends a long time on something, they tend to embody it to the point that stepping down becomes a bit of a spectacle. Just ask Brett Favre. Okay, bad example and too many dick joke connotations. What I'm trying to get at with my drunken ramblings is that Mike Carey has pretty much defined X-men Legacy. His long tenure has been so thoroughly awesome that it's hard to imagine this series thriving without him. It's going to have to very soon because there's only one two-issue arc left in his legendary run. This arc is part epilogue and part prologue because it tackles the events immediately proceeding Schism. It's a pretty important part of the ongoing X-men mythos, but like the unfortunate cars in every Michael Bay movie the story is bound to be lost in the spectacle of Mike Carey's departure.

I've made my opinions on Mike Carey's run pretty clear since I started reviewing comics in between binge drinking and writing X-men Supreme. He's been one of the most consistent X-men writers in decades. He has Chris Claremont's longevity without Matt Fraction's personality quirks. Like Tom Brady in the pocket, he goes about his business with a cool and collected style. Granted, I'm sure Mike Carey wishes he could include the part where he knocks up Brazilian supermodels, but that's besides the point. X-men Legacy #258 marked the end of his last big arc. It brought Havok, Rachel, and Polaris back to Earth after a nearly four-year hiatus. And it was Mike Carey at his best. Now with X-men Legacy #259, he begins his last arc and it doesn't involve nearly as much sci-fi shoot 'em ups. It's a bittersweet notion that he's finally getting ready to say goodbye to the series that he made so awesome, but no one will blame him if he doesn't care to restrict his brilliance to X-men comics.

The final arc of Mike Carey's run is like his previous arc in the sense that it takes place before much of the Regensis comics. For a while now it seems as though X-men Legacy has been like the state of Mississippi. It's so behind the times that it still thinks Jesus road dinosaurs in his battle against Judas's homosexual inter-racial army of abortion doctors. But with the return of Havok, Rachel, and Polaris the series is finally catching up. Now it was already touched on during the X-men Regenesis one-shot what Rogue, Gambit, Magneto, Frenzy and the rest of the Legacy crew decided. This just fleshes it out a bit more.

It starts with Rogue as Mike Carey's books so often do. She hasn't left Utopia yet. She and Gambit take a break from humping to Mardi Gras music to reflect on all the shit that's happened under Cyclops's leadership. She touches on everything from the Messiah Trilogy to Necrosha to Dark Reign. It isn't just for the sake of a random Family Guy style flashback either. She recalls these events because they show how Cyclops has led the X-men effectively enough for them to...you know, survive. And just walking away from that isn't easy and it really shouldn't be. But Gambit being the overly pragmatic scoundrel that he is at heart reminds her that like the NFL, the X-men are a very what-have-you-done-for-me-lately type team and Cyclops has screwed the pooch a bit too hard this time. Insert whatever Bestiality joke you want from that.

In an effort to unscrew the pooch or at least help the pooch cope with the trauma, Cyclops gets a long overdue visit from his brother. It's the kind of reunion that has been years in the making. Havok now knows what happened while he and Polaris were of humping in deep space. We don't get to see his reaction to shit like moving to the West Coast, forging Utopia, and the Mutant Messiah. But that would probably just consist of one page of him picking his jaw up off the floor. The events of Schism are far more pressing. He doesn't belittle his brother as brothers are so inclined to do. He tries to encourage Cyclops to find some middle ground with Wolverine. In his mind there's no need for a schism. It just goes to show he's been gone a long time.

Now I may be getting ahead of myself here, but I might as well bring it up. This is the closest this comic even gets to showing Rachel, Havok, and Polaris's reaction to all the shit that's gone down since they've been gone. No one mentions Hope Summers. No one brings up Norman Osborn or Professor Xavier's absence. It's a deeply underwhelming and disappointing development because some of this shit really shouldn't be ignored. I think someone needs to stand up and point out that the mutant messiah looks way too much like Jean Grey and if she's flaring the Phoenix Force, then that should be brought up too. Not to mention, Cyclops's father kind of died during Havok, Polaris, and Rachel's space excursion. So did Lilandra. None of that is brought up. It's a really fucked up omission and one there were plenty of chances to address. If that pisses you off too much, then you might as well stop reading this issue because it'll only piss you off more and I have enough people suing me at the moment.

Cyclops and Havok's chat only reinforces that everyone is taking sides. Some aren't as certain as others. Rogue is one of them. While she's wrestling with her decision, she pays Magneto a visit and thankfully it's not a booty call. He actually offers an insightful explanation as to why he's choosing to stay on Cyclops's team and it's not unreasonable. He sees Wolverine as too reckless. He believes Cyclops is a better leader and he's willing to follow him. But that's not enough for Rogue. She's struggling to see things from his point of view so in an effort to show that his balls are still barely contained by his old and wrinkly scrotum, he offers Rogue to drain him and not like your typical love interest either. She takes him up on his offer. However, it doesn't offer her the insight she was hoping for. In fact, it exposes a lingering crisis that followed them back from deep space.

Rogue explains to Cyclops and a number of X-men regulars that a psychic presence followed them through the wormhole they traveled through on their way back. Emma Frost actually confirms that another mutant signature made it through and that's cause for concern. You know, besides the massive space station of war-loving aliens. So Cyclops orders a scan of everyone in order to isolate the presence. But like every economic outlook since 2008, the results are negative. Then Dr. Nemesis shows that in addition to being an asshole, he also has an eye for the unusual. He takes a look at Korvus's sword, also known as the Phoenix Sword. As if the name alone wasn't cause for concern. Granted, the Phoenix Force left that sword during the War of Kings arc, but it's still enough to make Emma Frost soak her panties and not in a good way.

Cyclops and Emma confer with their science team. They explain that the Phoenix Sword was altered during their trip through the wormhole. Fragments of a mutant mind managed to latch onto it. Some speculate that it could be Jean Grey's mind, but let's face it. This is Marvel we're talking about here. They won't even begin to sew the seeds of Jean Grey possibly returning. Plus, Emma Frost would be much more of a bitch than usual if she knew that was the case. Instead, they conclude that the sword is like an anchor of sorts for a presence and it's too much of a pussy to let go. Or something to that effect.

So after enlisting help from Blindfold, the X-men put together a plan to seek out and confront this presence. Emma uses her second best asset after her tits to aid Blindfold in finding out more of this presence. It's all somewhat ambiguous, but not in the classic Matrix sort of way. The presence reads like something from Dante's Inferno or anyone that's ever passed out drunk in the middle of the day on Miami beach without sunscreen. There's a lot of burning. Apparently, this presence was about to die, but decided that death probably sucked ass and turned around. Except it got stuck halfway. It's more than a little fucked up, but given how death works in the Marvel universe I wouldn't be surprised if the Grim Reaper worked for the DMV.

Since the X-men aren't big in letting someone suffer in disjointed agony, Rogue offers to take the next illogical step. Since she detected the presence when she absorbed Magneto in a very non-sexual way, it stands to reason that she can gather more pieces if she absorbs everyone else who was on Gul Damar. Again, in a non-sexual way. Along the way Rogue even chats with Frenzy, who seems to have made up her mind. Despite being an epic hardass, she's going with Wolverine. She just doesn't care to be in a war zone anymore and she's too repulsed at the thought of Cyclops and Emma swapping body fluids. It gives Rogue something else to think about other than some disembodied presence.

After absorbing the pieces, she touches the Phoenix Sword last. Like anyone who has ever mixed Cialis with vodka, it has an unexpected side-effect. The last piece opened up a gateway with the sword that Rogue describes as completing a circuit. It opens a door to a world. It confirms that the Phoenix Sword has more uses other than just having a name that makes Emma shake in her overpriced shoes. It's actually a gateway, one that didn't quite make it from the other end of the wormhole on Gul Damar. And Rogue, being the ballsy woman she is, decides to take a look around despite the natural inclination to want to avoid a fiery gateway.

As soon as she enters, she's confronted by a a disembodied fiery spirit. Could it be? Is this fiery woman the missing pieces of Jean Grey? Has Marvel actually stopped fucking with fans on that subject? Of course not. That would make way too much sense. It turns out that figure is Ariel. Who is Ariel? She's just some D-list character that was killed off during Second Coming. It was horribly glossed over, even for a lesser known character. But it's indeed her and Rogue assures her that they'll get her out. Then she can start kicking the asses of everyone who pretty much brushed off her death while they mourned Nightcrawler.

So once again, another dead character not named Jean Grey is back yet she still utilizes Jean Grey's imagery. I want to be overly outraged about this, but I find myself just rolling my eyes and saying "Really Marvel? Seriously? You're butt-fucking THAT worn out corpse again?" But I digress. For an issue that has been mostly talk, it's a nice shot of action. Given that the last arc involved alien armies and a space station falling into a fucking sun, a smaller-scale conflict is somewhat welcome. It allows some of these mysteries regarding the Phoenix Sword and their little trip from Shi'ar country to develop. Even so, the imagery at the end makes you wonder if Marvel artists are banging whoever is running the makers of Xerox copiers.

While this issue had plenty of dramatic elements, it seemed to overlook some in favor of creating new ones. One of the biggest appeals this issue had going in was seeing the reactions from Havok, Rachel, and Polaris regarding all the changes since they've been gone. Well didn't get much reaction. The conversation with Havok and Cyclops was nice and all, but at no point was it ever shown how fucked up they may or may not have been after hearing what has happened to the X-men. We never even got to see their reactions to Hope Summers. Given how often Rachel complains about her mommy, that sounds like it would be a pretty big issue to overlook. Now Mike Carey could address it in the next issue, but it still feels like a missed opportunity.

I still enjoy Mike Carey's style and I'm trying to savor it for his last arc. This issue highlighted his ability to focus on certain character-based plots and further explore how others reacted to the events of Schism. The plot with Ariel was a nice bonus, but it still distracted from other looming plots that were essentially cast to the wayside. So while logistically speaking this comic is pretty solid, the sheer breadth of missed opportunities really brings it down. That's why I give X-men Legacy #259 a 3 out of 5. Mike Carey has one issue left to end his run on a high note. I hope he takes advantage of it the same way Charlie Sheen takes advantage of hookers who don't want to pay for their own drugs anymore. His run has been legendary on a great many levels, but there's one more left to overcome. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #258 - Homecoming Awesome

There are some things in life you don't mind being late. Your tax bill, your alimony payment notices, and the first day of school come to mind. Normally, I would add unresolved plot holes from my favorite comics to that list as well. There was a time where the X-books had a large 900-pound-gorilla in the corner of a room throwing shit in the face of every X-men fan. That gorilla was the absence of Rachel, Havok, and Polaris. These characters were launched into space way back when the old Bush Jr. was still in office and before the housing market collapsed. After they were left to rot in space for a few years, Mike Carey finally polished his large brass balls and took up the challenge of bringing them back in the picture. And wouldn't you know it? He's turned it into a damn good story.

What's made this arc so incredible is that the more you read it, the less pissed you become that it's taken this long for Rachel, Havok, and Polaris to show up again. Now maybe I'm in the minority or I'm just more drunk than usual, but when a decent story emerges from a plot hole that offers a viable explanation for why they weren't around sooner then I'm more willing to overlook the gap. Mike Carey has turned this arc into an epic, sci fi struggle that would give George Lucas a boner.

In a daring rescue effort Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, and Frenzy traveled to the Gul Damar space station where they get caught up in a civil war between the Shi'ar and the Insectoid Gran Nan Holt. They're alien races and not heavy metal bands so bear with me because these guys are the reason that Rachel, Havok, and Polaris couldn't make it home. They were essentially wrecked along the Jersey Turnpike and abducted by the cast of the Jersey Shore where they were brainwashed and mindfucked, in some cases literally. The last issue revealed that this whole fucked up conflict was a direct result of an pissed off Insectoid prisoner named Friendless. He's about as friendly as he sounds because his psychic powers kept everyone, including Rachel, Havok, and Polaris at each others' throats. They managed to break his control, but even the vacuum of space hasn't shut Friendless up. While Rogue and Frenzy try to prevent Gul Damar from falling into a stary, Rachel has to unleash some psychic whoop-ass against Friendless. It all sounds good on paper until one of their Shi'ar buddies, Shovel Redhand, screws them over and tries to outright steal the array and for money no less. It just shows that greed is not bound by species.

X-men Legacy #258 picks up right where the screwing over began. Rachel is fighting a losing battle against Friendless while the rest of the X-men are being used for target practice by Shi'ar weapons. Rogue and Frenzy were in the process of fixing the gravity array before Shovel showed up. While he's in the process of fantasizing about all the alien pussy he'll be able to buy, Rogue and Frenzy try to stop him. But wouldn't you know it? The son-of-a-bitch has a personal force field. Alien pirates. Go figure.

Now keep in mind that Sovel isn't just screwing over the X-men. He's screwing over the thousands if not millions of innocent souls in Gul Damar. But does he care? Fuck no! If it doesn't pay, he doesn't give three tenths of a shit. While he's channeling his inner Somali pirate, Rachel is still in a psychic death match with Friendless. But remember that earlier in this arc, Friendless succeeded in knocking Rachel out cold for days. So who do you think is winning this battle? I'll give you a hint. It's not the one that readers don't masturbate to you unless seeing grotesque, slobbering aliens give you a boner. I'm sure that kind of shit exists in Japan somewhere.

Someone has to turn the tide on Sovel. Since Rachel won't do it, Rogue does as is Mike Carey's tendency. Remember that little teleportation gizmo that Sovel used to transport himself to the gravity controls? Well Rogue swiped that and guess what she does with it? She uses it to call in a little backup. Keep in mind they were in the line of fire of a massive Shi'ar super weapon. Being transported to the top of a space station that's falling into a sun is actually an upgrade, but not by much. They waste no time in taking down Sovel. He's outnumbered and pissed a lot of people off. He really didn't have a chance and that's a good thing. Assholes like him don't get screwed over enough. I don't know if this is a hidden message to the occupy Walls Street crowd, but it's a bit too subtle.

So Sovel goes down quicker than Ricky Martin at Elton John's birthday party. They effectively stop him from swiping the gravity controls and bathing in alien hookers for the next six months. However, he still fucked the thing up so they can't fix it as easily as they hoped. While they're wondering how they can get in touch with a Shi'ar repair man, they finally lend Rachel a hand. She's not going to beat Friendless so there's no shame in retreating. To get her mind back in place and prevent anyone from drawing dicks on her face, Magneto puts his helmet on her head. Since it blocks out telepathy, it effectively ends her psychic battle before Friendless roughs her up to Rick James levels. It's a creative way to win a battle and a nice reminder that Magneto's helmet isn't just a goofy looking prob that hides what an old fuck he is.

What follows next is a grim assessment of how fucked they are. First off, Friendless is still out there and has access to the same Shi'ar superweapon that he fired at the X-men earlier. Also, Sovel busted up the gravity drive that they need to save Gul Damar. This means they're not going to save the space station in a nice, clean manner. It's an X-men comics. Since when is it that easy? Instead, Rogue starts tapping some of the knowledge she absorbed in previous issues to overload it. Now anyone who didn't sleep through a physics documentary knows when you amp up the gravity too much, you get a black hole. Well that's what she's preparing to do to the star they're falling into. Rather than burn up, they'll be crushed into a singularity. Hey, I don't have a preference, but for obvious reasons the Shi'ar weren't cool with that. The X-men just tell them to trust her because making it through a black hole is no big deal for them. It's no worse than having to sit through the first hour of the Catwoman movie.

Now there's a lot of talk and not much action here. I get that Mike Carey is detailed, but there was a bit too much techno-babble at times. Not saying I don't mind a cliff notes version of how this alien tech works, but it was a bit overdone here. It doesn't get too boring though. While Rogue is using the gravity drive for her own little physics experiment, Friendless shows up again. This time he's packing heat. And by heat I mean that Shi'ar superweapon I mentioned earlier. So yeah, the action comes back in a big way.

Since Rachel has already had her pretty little ass handed to her on two different occasions by Friendless, she makes it a point to use different tactics this time. Those tactics involve tag teaming with Rogue in a way that could probably make for a good lesbian porno in another more awesome universe and launching a dual psychic attack on the ugly son-of-a-bitch. Friendless is pesky, but when two beautiful women are attacking you there's just no way around it. You're screwed in the exact opposite way that you hope. It's yet another instance of Rogue shining, but since this is the next to last issue for Mike Carey I'm more than happy to let him exercise his Rogue love while he can.

Rogue isn't done being awesome just yet either. Thanks to her psychic battle with Friendless, she picked up a touch of his brilliant alien mind as well. That mind allows her to make the necessary calculations for her little experiment with Gul Damar's gravity drive. Then with help from Magneto and Polaris, she throws the gravity drive into the sun. She compares it to lighting a cigarette in a room full of gasoline on a cosmic level. You might ask why the fuck they're doing something this dangerous on a space station with countless innocent lives? Well that's part of the fun of comics like this. You don't know how anyone can be that blatantly reckless. You just know it's going to make for an awesome moment.

That moment comes in the form of a massive fucking wormhole. That's what Rogue used her knowledge of alien physics to create and wouldn't you know it? She used it to solve another problem as well! Using Gul Damar's gravity drive, she opened a wormhole using the star they were falling into and had it bring them and the rest of the space station back to Earth. So it's official now. Rachel, Havok, and Polaris are home! They're home and they brought an alien space station with them. It's a wonderfully creative way to get them back to Earth while solving the whole falling into the sun problem in the process. It's the kind of multi-tasking that only Mike Carey can pull off and he does in a way that will be sorely missed when his run ends.

The Shi'ar on Gul Damar are safe. The X-men's Shi'ar buddies are safe and promise to make Sovel's life a living hell for betraying them. There's still a matter of a Shi'ar space station now being in orbit of Earth, but that's a problem for another time. It makes for a nice goodbye between the X-men and their Shi'ar buddies. It also finally leads to the moment we knew was coming from the second this arc began. Rogue, Gambit, Magneto, and Frenzy ship Rachel, Havok, and Polaris back to Earth where they haven't been in quite some time. They're understandably confused when they find out that Rogue is taking them to San Francisco rather than Westchester. There's even a nice bit on the final page that shows Rogue knows just how much catching up these three will have to do.

All I can say to that is damn! Havok, Rachel, and Polaris will need several hours to pick their jaws up off the floor when they find out all the shit that went down while they were gone. Let's see what they missed. They weren't around when the institute blew up (again). They missed Professor Xavier being shot in the head. They didn't get to see the birth and return of Jean Gre-I mean Hope Summers (like Rachel won't make that mistake too), the mutant messiah. I'm pretty sure Rachel may be unnerved by what she sees, but knowing Marvel they'll never touch on that because that would make too much sense. Then there's the whole move to San Francisco and Utopia. That's a lot to catch up on and at some point I have to believe that Havok, Rachel, and Polaris will just throw their hands up and say "fuck it."

Whatever their reaction, Mike Carey has once again astonished in his last arc for X-men Legacy. Everything came together with this issue. If the point of the arc was to get Rachel, Havok, and Polaris back into the fold then he succeeded. If the point was to make it a great story, then he succeeded in that too. It's not enough to just pick these three up and teleport them back to Utopia. He has to make it so they collapse a whole fucking star and travel in a wormhole across the fucking galaxy. I don't know if Mike Carey was shooting for overkill, but he sure as hell succeeded! There were a few areas where we didn't get a full resolution of the Shi'ar/Insectoid conflict and there was a bit too much techno-babble in certain areas. But overall, it was as solid an arc as anyone can ask for. If this is Mike Carey's swan song, he's going out in style.

The end of this issue was a bitter reminder that Mike Carey's run is almost over. He's made X-men Legacy one of the most consistent series for years and now he has one issue left to tie up all the loose ends. While another writer is already set to take over, the series just won't be the same without him. In many ways that makes this issue all the more meaningful because it really highlighted the kind of writing that Mike Carey does so well. As such, I give X-men Legacy #258 a 5 out of 5. This is Mike Carey at his best and you had better enjoy it now. Because when he's gone, I foresee many X-men fans going into the worst kind of crack withdrawal. But once the vomiting and shivering stops, I'm sure we'll all look back on arcs like this and say it was worth it. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #257 - Cosmic Highway of Awesome

Pop quiz, what do you get when you mix vodka with red bull? Answer, insomnia, a DUI, and a toilet bowl stained with reddish-green chunks that well never come off. Second pop quiz, what do you get when you mix the best sci-fi elements with X-men comics? Answer, you get X-men Legacy's current arc. Now some may have been tempted to cite that brief X-men/Star Trek crossover from back in the day when William Shatner was still relevant and when Jean Grey was still alive. But that was a fucking gimmick. X-men Legacy has been a consistent wave of awesome under Mike Carey whose run by tragedy or by losing a bar bet to Chrisoph Gage (who is taking over after Carey) is ending soon. That's why it's so important that X-men fans enjoy the last major arc of Carey's run because he's been pulling out all the stops and throwing in as many kick-ass elements as he can squeeze in. You would think it would get more clogged than Rush Limbaugh's septic tank, but as always Mike Carey makes it work.

X-men Legacy #256 finally cleared up some of the issues that had been lingering worse than Irish relatives. We found out that a butt-ugly creature named Friendless was mighty pissed at the Insectoid Gran Nan Holt because they treated him like North Korean prisoner of war. For some reason, Friendless had a problem with that and used his psychic powers to make them wage war on the Shi'ar. That way he would get payback against his own race while screwing over another race that had a history of oppressing others. It's two birds with one stone, but since this involves the Shi'ar that's probably not a politically correct analogy. He also found a way to control Havok and Polaris in the process. Well thanks to Rachel, Friendless was kicked into the cold vacuum of space and that seemed to free everyone from their mind control. There was just one small problem. The space station they were on (which is as big as a fucking planet mind you) was falling into a star. Wait, did I say that was a small problem? I meant small by X-men's standards. Falling into a star is akin to crashing your car into a parked police cruiser. You're in trouble, but if you're not a pussy you can deal with it appropriately. X-men Legacy #257 shows the X-men dealing with this small problem and much to the delight of stoners everywhere, it involves really shiny pictures.

To fix this whole gravity-is-a-bitch problem, Rogue has to travel up a big ass energy highway called the K'ythri (don't even want to know how to pronounce that shit) that controls the gravity on the space station. It's basically the only way to get to the necessary controls so they can avoid becoming cosmic smores. In order do that she absorbed some of Frenzy's power and tagged along with her as they rode this cosmic roller coaster up through the space station. It looks like it's way better than any of the shitty thrill rides at Six Flags. Along the way Rogue has to drain more of Frenzy's power. I'm tempted to note some lesbian innuendo here, but seeing as how Frenzy underwent such a transformation as a result of Cyclops's penis I'm somewhat dubious.

While Frenzy and Rogue are off to fix the alien gravity gizmo, the rest of the X-men are left behind playing the waiting game. Since no one seems to have an iphone with which to pass the time, they're left to finally address certain questions that have been burning worse than an infection from a crack whore in Bangkok. Keep in mind that Havok, Rachel, and Polaris have been MIA for a long time. They weren't around when the X-men moved to San Francisco, let alone when Magneto joined the team. So Havok finally makes it a point to remind everyone that Magneto has a nasty habit of trying to kill them. It could have made for a much more elaborate discussion, but it was somewhat glossed over. Granted, Rachel couldn't get the details because he was wearing that helmet of his. But at least it was addressed.

Now I'd rather not make a big deal of this, but it sort of is. Havok, Polaris, and Rachel have snapped out of it. They're coherent and they're currently waiting on Rogue to fix the space station. Yet no one takes time to address Magneto, Frenzy, or all the shit they clearly missed back on Earth. Now I'm assuming it's going to get fleshed out in future issues, but you would think that's something that the X-men don't set aside. Then again I guess being stuck on an alien space station will sort of fuck up your priorities.

Instead of asking all these important questions, the X-men follow their Shi'ar buddies to a dockyard where they hope to salvage a ship. I don't know what the point is given that Rogue is supposed to save them, but I guess they don't want to place their faith completely in someone who once swapped spit with Magneto. It sounds pointless until we catch up with Friendless. Remember him? The bug-like alien psychic psychopath that survived being blown out into the vacuum of space? Well he crashed the main deck with the Shi'ar and with a little psychic probing, got them to break out some of their superweapons. Seeing as how the Shi'ar treat their weapons with the same affection that men treat their penises, you know something is going to go boom at some point.

So Rachel, Havok, Polaris, and the rest of the X-men remain blissfully unaware as they make it to the dockyard. As is often the case with the Shi'ar, all that war and bloodshed left quite a mess and a fleet of busted ships. So they have to channel their inner Trekky and start salvaging working parts. Along the way there's a creepy sense that one of the Shi'ar pirates that was so eager to capture Rogue earlier (not that I blame him of course) is starting to grow fond of his alien visitors. I don't know if xenophilia is a recognized disorder with the Shi'ar, but with guys like this it damn well should be.

Fixing alien star ships is fun and all, but not very exciting if you can believe that. You know what's more exciting? Two hot X-women emerging from the K'ythri highway after a long ride of flesh-melting energy beams and slightly implied lesbian innuendo. Like anyone after a road trip where they were stuck riding shotgun in a minivan packed with drunk friends while driving a narrow stretch of highway at three in the morning, Rogue and Frenzy are visibly exhausted. They end up exactly where they need to be, but they're too pooped to do anything. It's basically a setup, which makes the scene feel somewhat unnecessary. But at least we know they made it. Just seems like getting off an alien energy highway would be more eventful. Go figure.

Back in the dockyard, not much is going on. The X-men and their Shi'ar buddies are playing Junkyard Wars putting together a new ship. Like the scene with Rogue and Frenzy, not much happens. There's more implied alien's wanting to bone humans subtext. Well it's not really subtext. One of them compares engineering to foreplay and one of the Shi'ar women is intent on boning Havok. It's fun and all, but again not much happens until the only legitimate alien/human fuck buddies actually do something. Rachel has picked up on Friendless's shenanigans. Seeing as how he knocked her out for days a few issues ago, she's more than entitled to a little payback. So trusting her Shi'ar boy toy not feel her up, she does a little astral projection to check it out.

It doesn't take long for Rachel to find Friendless and a big ass Shi'ar super weapon. It looks like a giant laser placed on a tank. The laser also looks like a penis, but I guess all powerful weapons have to look that way no matter where you go in the universe. Friendless quickly senses her and lashes out with a little astral action of his own. Now keep in mind that these are two powerful psychics that have many reasons to beat the psychic shit out of each other. Friendless knocked Rachel out for two days. Rachel knocked Friendless into the vacuum of space. By all accounts they should be more fired up than Ray Lewis on crystal meth. But again, it's basically glossed over. In just one page they swat each other a few and Rachel goes limp again.

It's becoming a distressing trend for this issue. The stage is set for these great battles, but they don't happen. Rachel vs. Friendless Round 2 was built to be much better, but it wasn't. Granted, it didn't end and chances are Rachel isn't going to get bitch slapped into a coma again. But still, a little extra action would have been nice. Who doesn't want to see a cute redhead beat up an ugly alien? Don't the people at Marvel watch anime porn?

Rachel's inability to stop Friendless has another unpleasant side-effect. It allows the Shi'ar to fire their little superweapon. By little I mean it blows a big fucking hole right in the hull and now the X-men get to know what it feels like to be sucked into space. And no that's not a metaphor for a blow job. It happens just when it looks as though they're ready to take off in their hastily assembled ship. It's the first time something actually starts blowing up in this comic, but it's a hell of a bang and one that threatens to completely annihilate the dockyard. So yeah, that's how fucked the X-men are.

But that's not the most fucked up part if you can believe that. Mike Carey threw a few twists into the story with the last issue. Well he's done it again with this issue. It's getting to the point where this series could be in fucking pornos with all the twisting. Remember that Shi'ar that wanted to bone some of the X-women? Well his name is Sovel and like the IRS, he never misses a chance to screw someone over. Just as the X-men are about to be blasted from the dockyard, he teleports up to the gravity control where Rogue and Frenzy are trying to stop them from falling into a star. He then proceeds to shoot them because falling into a star just doesn't worry him. You know what worries him? Running out of money. He actually plans to take this massive gravity array, lug it across the universe, and sell it for a filthy profit. Now I'm not championing criminals here, but you gotta hand it to a guy who takes advantage of any opportunity. He's essentially screwing over the X-men and setting them up to get vaporized in the next issue, but for him that's just business. He's like Dick Cheny, just not as evil.

There are a lot of ways to rate a comic. On it's own, this issue is mediocre at best. In the scope of the arc it's a part of, it's definitely above average. Unlike the previous issue, there wasn't a lot of meaningful action. There was plenty of setup that may actually lead to meaningful action, but that in and of itself isn't that meaningful. Confused? Well simply put, the pace was just a bit too slow. On some levels I'm glad that Mike Carey took the time to finally address the whole Magneto-is-an-X-man revelation that I'm sure Havok, Polaris, and Rachel would be curious about. However, it was overly glossed over and there really wasn't much else going on aside from the thrill ride that Rogue and Frenzy were on. I won't call this issue filler because the story still moved forward. It just wasn't at a very exciting pace.

Aside from the pace or lack thereof, everything else fit perfectly into the greater story. That's what this issue does best. It effectively builds on what happened in the previous issue and took a little time to show some personal moments between the characters. Not every issue needs to have someone blow up a fucking star ship or beat the shit out of some insect-like alien to be awesome. It helps, but it helps even more to have some substance behind it. There was definitely plenty to go around with Friendless showing up again and the X-men facing the business end of a Shi'ar superweapon. It helped set the next issue up for some thrilling moments that hopefully involve more implied innuendo between Rogue and Frenzy. I'm hoping that when they're done they could get together and fantasize more about the power of Cyclops's penis, but that may be asking a bit too much for Mike Carey's last arc of X-men Legacy.

Overall, this comic plays a significant role in this arc and plays it well. Mike Carey is taking his time here. Since this is his swan song for X-men Legacy, I'm glad he's doing so because he's included so many amazing elements with this arc. The cosmic scale along with the long overdue reunion with Havok, Polaris, and Rachel have made it more entertaining than a piece of string and a block of LSD. This issue isn't quite as engaging as the previous few, but it definitely deserves to be praised, smothered in butter, and poured over a hot stack of pancakes. I give X-men Legacy #257 a 4 out of 5. Like Herman Cain's presidential campaign, we should enjoy X-men Legacy while it last. It's bound to end soon and it will be hard to find something else that's so entertaining. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #256 - Upheavals of Awesome

I know there's several metric tons of awesome going on throughout the X-books with Uncanny ending, Schism, and Fear Itself. Given my limited time between drinking binges and hangovers, it's impossible for me to keep up most of time. I do my best to give certain books the attention they deserve, but much like the American education system there will be those that get left behind and screwed over in ways they don't deserve. That's a good metaphor for X-men Legacy. It has been without a doubt one of the most consistent X-books in the past half-decade and Mike Carey has been one of it's most consistent writers. But like a good binge in Tijuana, the end will eventually come and the morning after will kick your ass. That's why it's important to enjoy the high now because when it ends, you may find yourself in a motel room in Columbia with a fat transvestite spooning you.

X-men Legacy has been telling a very important story. It's bringing Rachel, Havok, and Polaris back into the picture after they've been MIA for nearly two freakin' years. It's a story that's been brewing for quite some time, but now we're finally getting an explanation. Mike Carey went to great lengths to tie this story into the events of Age of X and the aftermath. Yet for all his attention to detail what did he get? Well seeing as how this story takes place while Schism, Fear Itself, and Uncanny X-Force are kicking the collective asses of every other Marvel book I would say he's more unfortunate than every Enron stock holder combined. He's been telling a great story with X-men Legacy. It involves the Shi'ar, mind control, and a space station that's falling into a star. Yet it can't help but slip under the radar because of the competition. On top of it all, this is Mike Carey's last arc! So yeah, he should be pissed. But that doesn't mean his stories aren't still awesome.

X-men Legacy #255 we learned more about the civil war that Rachel, Havok, and Polaris got caught up in. As is often the case, the Shi'ar's nasty habits of oppressing other races like the Insectoid Grad Nan Holt (basically cousins of your typical cockroaches in a Brooklyn apartment) has come back to haunt them. Magneto, Frenzy, Gambit, and Rogue finally arrive to mount a rescue. But the space station, Gul Damar, is falling into a star. So it's basically your typical Tuesday for the X-men.

At the end of X-men Legacy #255 Magneto, Frenzy, and Gambit finally have a tearful reunion with Havok and Polaris. And by tearful reunion I mean Havok and Polaris are being mind controlled by the Insectoid Grad Nan Holt and their first instinct is to beat the living shit out of their rescuers. It's basically par for the course for a typical X-men rescue, but it still makes for some awesome visuals. It's Magneto versus his own daughter and Frenzy versus the guy Mangeto's daughter is boning. Sounds like a fair fight.

It's a regular family reunion for the X-men. Meanwhile Gambit is stuck fighting Krovus, the guy that's probably been boning Rachel off panel. Since Cyclops isn't present, Gambit has to be the one to give him the typical introduction that every father gives to their daughter's boyfriend. He's horribly ill-equipped and not because Korvus is bigger and stronger. It's because he's able to call for backup from the massive armies of Insectoid's that are watching the whole battle like a home game for the Philadelphia Eagles. And like a home game for the Eagles, the fans get angry and unruly when shit doesn't go their way or they have too much to drink, whichever comes first. So they join in the fun and attack. All the while the Shi'ar that the X-men were working with watch on only mildly impressed. They seem to accept that they're many different kinds of screwed and start shooting off their larger weapons. And no, that's not a dick joke.

Unfortunately for the laws of physics in this or any other universe, firing big ass weapons on an already damaged space station tends to fuck things up. As soon as the Shi'ar start waving their dicks at the Insectoids and firing off their weapons, they trigger a breach in the area where Rogue, Rachel, and a group of Shi'ar pirates that are not unlike Somali pirates, just less ruthless. Rachel has to once again show that she has her mother's flare by sealing up the breach. Rogue then decides that they should separate so she can go catch up with the X-men and tell the Shi'ar to knock this shit off. I'm assuming she knows they're just going to tell her to suck it, but it's a matter of principle I guess.

Along the way Rogue finds one of the Shi'ar officials that was actually against firing off their high-energy weapons on an already crippled space station. What did he get in return? He got fucking shot. That's basically how the Shi'ar pecking order words. If you try to be reasonable in any capacity, you get fucking shot. But beyond his life sucking royally, he tells Rogue that the particle cannons are fucking up the gravity for the station. Since he's a long ways away from some band aids and Nyquil, Rogue shows a little mercy and absorbs the guy so she can use his knowledge to fix this shit. Of all the ways you're going to go, being touched by Rogue (even in a non-sexual way) isn't a bad exit strategy.

Now you would think that the inhabitants of the space station that aren't batshit crazy would have an interest in assisting Rogue and Rachel. And you would be right, but the problem is there are a few beings that are batshit crazy on this space station. One such being introduces itself to Rachel as Friendless of the Ten-Red-Seed next, which sounds a lot like a gay fraternity ritual. Why is this worth mentioning? This is the asshole that knocked Rachel out with a little psychic douche-baggery. So that means Rachel finally has a chance to not be the target that so many redheads end up being in X-men comics. Just ask Jean Grey. Oh wait...

So in an effort to attack, Rachel does a little psychic douche-baggery of her own. In the process she discovers something pretty fucked up that definitely qualifies as another Mike Carey style twist that I'm going to miss so much when he leaves the series. This Friendless beast wasn't exactly another one of the Shi'ar's whipping boys. He was actually being abused by his own Insectoid brethren. By that I mean his family was killed, he was rounded up like a dog or a woman at Rick James's house, and exploited for his psychic talents. So what did he do? He took control of their minds and made them wage war on the Shi'ar. So in reality neither the Shi'ar or the Insectoids are the assholes. They're just pawns by some pissed off prisoner who actually has more than enough reason to see both races kill each other. I get the sense that if this thing was human, he would be one of those Occupy Wall Street guys with the oversized beard and hipster style clothes advocating that someone firebomb Warren Buffet's house.

This scene really changes up the nature of the story. It finally gives a reason as to why the Insectoids and Shi'ar are fighting. It also shows how Havok and Polaris are being controlled. On every level, it's all part of one exceedingly pissed off creature's plot to screw over the people who made his life miserable. In a sense you really can't blame the guy. If you have that kind of psychic skill, do you just take it and let your own people exploit it? Or do you use it to exploit them and the Shi'ar's tendency to be assholes? Nine out of ten people would probably do the same.

Rachel doesn't show much sympathy for guys who start wars between two races. So while Friendless is preparing to fuck her up, she unseals the breach and lets the vacuum of space shut this asshole up. It's about as effective as giving Robert Downy Jr. some horse tranquilizers. Once he goes silent, the mind-control for Polaris and Havok ends. They're probably visibly confused and are curious as to why the hell Magneto and Frenzy are with the X-men. But they're kind of in the middle of an interstellar war so that gets set aside for the moment. Magneto and Polaris work together to seal the breach with their powers. It's a nice father daughter moment akin to a man taking his daughter to the zoo. Although with Magneto, there always has to be a life-or-death situation or it just isn't heartfelt enough.

Now that the mind control is over and the breach is sealed, there can finally be a more appropriate reunion. Rachel and Rogue join up with Magneto, Polaris, Havok, Frenzy, and Gambit. There's presumably a lot of confused aliens as well, feeling like I do after I start drinking in one city and wake up in another. They obviously have a lot to talk about. At some point they'll have to explain why Magneto joined the X-men, why the Xavier Institute blew up, why the X-men are living on a rock in San Francisco Bay, and why there's a mysterious girl with red hair and green eyes named Hope Summers running around. But all that shit falls to the wayside when they find out that the space station is falling into a star. Some things are just more important I guess. But still, a slight mention just to get some wide-eyed reactions would have been fun.

Now to fix a falling space station, it's not as easy as getting the necessary parts from a Radioshack. This space station is the size of a fucking planet. To get where they need to go, they need something a little quicker than an elevator. So Rogue leads them to a little something called a Flux Array, which despite the bland name would have Star Trek fans everywhere jizzing their pants. It's basically a gravity rail gun that is like an express elevator to the source of the gravity generator. Rogue knows all this thanks to that unfortunate Shi'ar that got shot earlier and she needs to use it to get to where she needs to go and fix it. To do this, she needs help from Frenzy. Now keep in mind that Frenzy is new to being a hero. She's been on the wrong side of so many X-men battles in the past and thanks to Cyclops's penis, she's now on the X-men's side. So she agrees to lend Rogue her powers and a hand in fixing this shit. It's a nice way to show that she's becoming a hero and it's also a nice way to demonstrate just how powerful Cyclops's penis is.

So the X-men have reunited and they're prepared to fix the space station. It sounds like they can finally catch their breath. All will soon be well and good. They can start thinking about how they'll explain Utopia and the presence of Hope Summers. Well if shit were that easy in the X-books, no one would read them. While Rogue and Frenzy are on their way to do a quick repair job, our old friend Friendless reveals that the vacuum of space didn't do a good enough job killing him. He finds his way to an air lock on the station where he takes control of a few more Shi'ar. With them, he plans on further fucking this space station and everyone in it. I'm starting to think the X-men should adopt the same rules as real people do with zombies. Unless you shoot an enemy in the head, assume they'll come back and fuck you up even more.

Mike Carey's X-books have always been just the right balance of style and substance. He doesn't try to blow up the fucking universe with every arc. He tells strong, focused stories that feel much bigger than they might actually be. Well this issue really highlights all the strengths of that style except in this case the story is every bit as big as it feels. The X-men aren't just trying to free their friends of mind control. They're trying to save a whole fucking space station from falling into a star. It sounds like a Michael Bay style plot, yet it has Martin Scorsese style depth. Now the past few issues have been mired in unanswered questions. Like how the fuck did Polaris, Rachel, and Havok get caught up in this shit and why are they fighting their friends? Well this issue answers it. Mind Control may seem simple on paper, but the way Mike Carey develops Friendless and his motivations really make it deeper in all the right ways.

This is by far the most complete issue yet in this overdue reunion arc. The only problem some may have with it is that now Rachel, Havok, and Polaris aren't being mind controlled anymore. That means they have no excuse to react to all the shit that's happened in the past two years since they've been away from Earth. Now granted a lot was going on that prevented them from learning the full story, but still there wasn't even a hint dropped as to what had happened so we didn't get a reaction. Many X-fans including myself would just love to see what Rachel's reaction to Hope Summers would be. Maybe she'll have the same reaction as all angry Jean Grey fans, but we just don't know because it wasn't shown. I'm hoping it gets shown eventually, but that's one major plot hole that can't and shouldn't be ignored (although that's never stopped Marvel before).

X-men Legacy #256 was as enjoyable an issue as any Mike Carey X-book. Yeah, it got a little lost in the midst of so many other X-men events like Fear Itself, Schism, and Uncanny X-Force. I wouldn't say it's as awesome as those stories, but it's still enjoyable. And since this is Mike Carey's last major arc, it's one X-men Legacy fans everywhere should savor like chocolate sauce dripping from Pamela Anderson's breasts. Issues like this will only make me miss Mike Carey even more. That's why I give X-men Legacy #256 a 5 out of 5. This issue gives plenty of reasons why Mike Carey has been such a consistent writer on the X-books for so long and it gives just as many reasons to go on a self-hating drinking binge once it's over. Nuff said!