Thursday, January 15, 2015

The New and the Expendable: All-New X-men #35 Preview

I don't claim to be skilled at a lot of things, but I know for a fact that I would make a really shitty weatherman and a really shitty stock broker. I know this because when it comes to making predictions about the future, I'm more inaccurate than the future portrayed in Back to the Future II. Sure, I make predictions all the time about what will happen in comics and the world as a whole. Nearly 99 percent of the time, I'm dead fucking wrong. Gay conversion therapy has a higher success rate than I do.

I say this because I'm going to try and make a prediction about what happens at the end of the current arc of All-New X-men. I had a sense from the very begging that this was a story that would carry with it the putrid smell of rotting corpses dipped in diarrhea because it involved Marvel's increasingly defunct Ultimate universe. That hasn't stopped the story from being awesome in the way that All-New X-men has maintained to great effect for years now. But the O5 X-men's doomed trip to Ultimate is about to end. And whether I'm right or wrong about this, I'm pretty sure the O5 X-men would sooner visit Camp Crystal Lake during a full moon rather than visit this shit hole universe again.

Part of what made the previous issue so endearing was the encounter between O5 Jean and her Ultimate counterpart. It led to yet another awkward yet glorious hug that helps highlight all the right emotions surrounding O5 Jean Grey. Those emotions are the driving force behind the O5 X-men's struggle to get the fuck out of this universe. In CBR's recent preview of All-New X-men #35, that struggle encounters a big ass complication that is sure to make their stay in Ultimate all the more unpleasant.

I'm going to call this now and see if I can get my prediction average up. Ultimate Jean is going to die here. She's going to sacrifice herself at some point so that the O5 X-men, who are already set to be part of Secret Wars this year, can escape and survive. I make this prediction on the same week yet another Ultimate series ran its final issue after a lackluster 12-issue run, leaving Ultimate Spider-Man the last Ultimate title standing. Marvel has already killed off so many compelling Ultimate characters that killing one of the few remaining characters that once made Ultimate interesting is as easy as Vladamir Putin choking a kitten.

Now keep in mind, I could be wrong. I hope I am. But this feels like the only way the story can end at this point. The only way Marvel seems to be able to generate any interest in the Ultimate universe is to either cross it over with 616 or kill another major character. This will do both and it still won't generate enough fucks to be given about this once great series. So that's what they'll do. Ultimate Jean Grey is a character that got screwed over way more than most and since she's nobody's favorite character in Ultimate anymore, that means she can already pick out her tombstone.

So mark it down. You heard it here first. Ultimate Jean Grey will die either at the end of this issue or the next issue. I wouldn't be money on it. I wouldn't even bet loose change on it. But if I'm wrong about this one, I'll be only mildly surprised. Nuff said!



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