X-men Legacy #275 - The End Feels Awesome

There comes a time in every high when you know you're either going to pass out or sober up in a way that'll make you feel like shitting through your nose. The feeling has many parallels with what happens when a long-running comic book series ends to make way for a non-reboot relaunch. We know it's a gimmick. We know it's just a pitiful way for the big wigs at Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic to boost sales. But in the same way you know that too much blow will make your heart explode, you bury your face in it and inhale the awesome. Sure, the high is going to wear off and there's a chance you could wake up face down on a pool table with an eight-ball shoved in your ass, but it's worth it if it's awesome.

One of the many titles that is getting a relaunch at Marvel is X-men Legacy. This is a book that has been a good chunk of the bedrock for the X-books for a very long time. It spun out of Grant Morrison's New X-men run and Mike Carey spent years making sure it was consistently awesome in a way most pot dealers could never hope to match. After a successful tenure, Christos Gage took over for the home stretch. His run has had it's ups and downs. Some of it has been awesome. Some of it has been disgusting because it evokes images of Magneto's wrinkled nutsack banging against Rogue's chin.

But thankfully, that shit was officially ended at the end of X-men Legacy #274. Since then, Marvel has already announced that Rogue will be a major member of Uncanny Avengers where she may be able to get another old guy's balls banging against her chin in Captain America. But while that series is just beginning to establish itself, Rogue still has some shit to resolve in X-men Legacy and hopefully it doesn't involve cat people dongs.

X-men Legacy has been following the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men fairly closely. In the previous issue, Rogue assisted with some of the rescue efforts while trying hard to keep Magneto out of her panties. For the final issue of X-men Legacy, that aftermath continues as Rogue gets roped into helping SHIELD break up a prison riot because their infamous Raft prison was damaged during Avengers vs. X-men. And for reasons that are exceedingly convenient, nobody but Rogue is in a position to help. Being the nice girl she is (and because she's now going to be one of the pretty faces on Uncanny Avengers), she agrees to help out. She also gets Mimic to tag along, who has been somewhat fucked up since the Weapon Omega story a few arcs back. At first, it sounds like he's trying to get into Rogue's panties. She's quick to remind him that since she's broken away from Magneto, her panties are not fit for anyone's presence. But he makes it clear that he admires her ability to ditch baggage like Magneto and come off looking hot doing it. And maybe by helping her with that mission, some of that skill will rub off. But since he doesn't have Rogue's rack, the odds are stacked against him.

Rogue and Mimic arrive on the Raft to the kind of prison riot you won't see without a severe concussion and a massive dose of LSD. Perhaps this is Marvel's way of showing how the X-men and Avengers are cooperating now that they've discovered that fighting one another leads to a shitty comic book event. But it still comes off as utterly ridiculous that she and Mimic are the only ones that can handle this shit. The action here is pretty awesome, which is welcome since X-men Legacy has been pretty light on the action lately and heavy on cat people dongs. Since this is the last issue before the relaunch, it's refreshing to see an X-book get back to basics by having a hot woman like Rogue show a pansy little shit like Mimic how to kick ass.

But like I mentioned earlier, they horribly undermanned and the Avengers can't be bothered to break up a typical prison riot. They just have to save their energy for more important shit like fucking with cosmic entities and blaming the guy who was right all along. Okay, bad example. But since Rogue isn't a dumb shit, she understands that all these super-powered criminals aren't going to go down quietly and they can't expect the Avengers or the other X-men to get off their fat asses to help them. And since Mimic is know for his strategy about as much as he's known for his ability to soak Rogue's panties, Rogue has to come up with the plan. So she expects him to not be a pussy and hold off the riot until she hatches a plan. It sounds like she's trusting Pacman Jones at a strip club, but that's how limited her options are I guess.

With Mimic now holding the line, Rogue ventures into the part of the prison that hasn't devolved into a mass shank-fest. She stands in front of a bunch of hardened superpowered criminals that probably haven't seen a pair of breasts outside stick figures drawn on their cell walls and gives a rather rousing if not futile speech. But it's not as cliched as it sounds. Rogue's speech essentially sums up her personal journey over the course of X-men Legacy. She tells them about how she had once been bad enough to let Magneto touch her breasts. She had been a villain who had made some pretty lousy decisions that were almost as bad as letting Magneto see her naked. Yet she was able to overcome that shit and be better. She was able to become the kick-ass X-man she is now.

It may not be a Braveheart style speech, but it is an extremely appropriate speech given the context of the issue. Since this is the final issue of X-men Legacy, it acts as an epilogue of sorts to show Rogue's current mindset while reflecting on how far she's come. It's a great moment in some ways, even if it doesn't have the necessary emotional impact. It still acts as a nice summation to what X-men Legacy has been about for all these years and in that sense it's satisfying.

Most of the prisoners are inclined to just ask that she show them her boobs. I admit I would probably ask the same. But some superpowered criminals aren't complete douche-bags and offer her the use of their powers. And she doesn't even have to show them her boobs. It's a little bland in that respect, but it has the desired effect. Now Rogue is armed with some extra power that not only makes her capable of taking on an entire prison of superpowered criminals, but it makes her look even more menacing than before. Yet somehow she's still hot enough to jerk off to. Very few characters can pull that shit off and Rogue has made a habit of pulling it off throughout the course of X-men Legacy. I speak for my penis when I say I'll really miss that.

Armed with this new power and with Mimic managing to hold off long enough to not piss himself, Rogue is able to quell the prison riot in another round of action that's both satisfying and entertaining. It's not overly elaborate and it's a little chaotic at times, but then again X-men Legacy has never been known for well-organized action. It's still impressive enough to make Mimic reconsider trying to get into Rogue's panties. Even if he has no chance, you have to believe he's committing this to memory the next time he's alone with a bottle of lube and no internet connection. And since this may very well Rogue's last big action moment in the pages of X-men Supreme, it's something for both readers and my penis to savor.

Later on after the Raft is somewhat unfucked, Mimic catches up with Rogue back at the Jean Grey Institute and they have a nice moment. Rogue essentially gives Mimic another speech that also sums up her journey and how she intends to move forward. It's a little melodramatic, but it's still a nice, concise summation of where she is now and how her journey and X-men Legacy has led her to this point. It doesn't feel overly contrived either because Mimic seems to be in a similar position, not sure of himself and needing guidance from a hot chick with bigger balls (and tits) than he'll ever have. But it doesn't quite have the impact it should for a final issue.

In many ways, these speeches by Rogue are like bookends to the theme of X-men Legacy. It's always been one of those X-books that deals with characters looking to rebuild themselves from a fucked up past. Whether it's Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, or Frenzy they're stuck making choices that often lead to shit exploding and cat-people dongs. But Rogue's journey has been the most complete. Her speech may be a bit wordy here, but it covers all the basics and gives the reader a nice sense of what X-men Legacy has been all about.

The final scene is a nice little image of Rogue essentially telling Mimic that once he gets his shit together, it feels better than a blow job and a bong hit. It also shows that Rogue has gotten to that point, minus the blow job and the bong hit of course. The final scene essentially caps off Rogue's journey in X-men Legacy. It's not over for the X-books in general, but it's over for X-men Legacy. After you wipe the tears from your eye and the lube from your dick, it finally sinks in. This story is over and a new one is set to begin.

X-men Legacy has been a unique approach to AX-men since it began under Mike Carey's pen. Rogue has been the central focus for years and in that time she's gone through a lot of growth and a fuckton of regression, primarily due to her boning Magneto. There have been times where X-men Legacy has been the most consistent source of awesome in the X-books and there have been times when it has been nauseatingly unreadable (see cat people dongs). Now that it's over, what kind of legacy does X-men Legacy leave behind? Well it can't be too shitty because Marvel is relaunching this shit with an exceedingly short grace period. But the new X-men Legacy promises to get away from the stories surrounding Rogue and focus on Legion, Xavier's now orphaned Schizophrenic son. So the focus has gone from a hot woman with a great rack in Rogue to a mentally unbalanced dick-cheese with fucked up hair. That has to be the worst tagline for a comic in history.

But the major theme of X-men Legacy #275 was to close this chapter in Rogue's history and make way for the next one. She's already poised to move on in Uncanny Avengers and hopefully not ending up being as big a dick as Captain America. But her story in this series had to end and for the most part, that's what this issue did. It wasn't overly dramatic. Rogue's speech to all the prisoners was a nice summation of how far she's come and where she is now. However, it still came off as rather bland and not very compelling. So she's moved on from being Magneto's fuck-toy, but that's about it. Granted, she's been through a lot more in this series, but you don't really get that impression in reading this issue. It was nice that Mimic provided a means with which to sort of convey that sentiment. But in the end it didn't resonate as well as it could have.

It still felt like a solid ending. After reading this issue, you get the sense that Rogue doesn't need to be in this comic anymore. She's got another story to follow in Uncanny Avengers. However, it doesn't really do much to get you excited for Legion taking over. Given how little he's been used lately, his emergence at this point would just feel somewhat random despite the recent death of Charles Xavier. I like that Rogue got to have one last moment of badassery that summed up her current state in the Marvel universe. But it could have been a lot more awesome. That's why I give X-men Legacy #275 a 3 out of 5.

Rogue has been on an amazing, bonerific journey in the pages of X-men Legacy. The book won't be nearly as awesome or nearly as easy to masturbate to with her gone. But from Mike Carey to Christos Gage, her story has been an awesome ride. It's lasted through many bottles of lube and many boxes of tissues. It'll have a special place in my heart, on my dick, and in the annuls of the X-men mythos. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #253 - From Awesome To Awesome

There was a time when X-men Legacy was the most consistently awesome X-book on the racks. I don't mean to sound nostalgic because I'm not. That was also a time where the other X-books were more underwhelming than a motivational speech by Ben Stein. Since then, the books have been more turnover than the Oakland Raiders's coaching staff, but the one consistent contributor has been Mike Carey. He's like the Al Davis of X-men comics, minus the senility.

Now for a while X-men Legacy was also overshadowed by books like Uncanny X-Force and Fear Itself. Well after the Age of X event, X-men Legacy is squeezing it's way back into my heart. It's needed a fuck-ton of anal lube, but it's getting there! I was somewhat reluctant after the issue where Magneto and Rogue swapped spit after visiting a holocaust museum. But the issues that followed relaxed my bowels and now I'm eagerly receiving X-men Legacy into my being like George Michaels in a cavity search.

This story has been a solid progression from the end of Age of X to another conflict involving Legion's many stray personalities. It started with another one of Dr. Nemesis's gizmos fucking up. It turned into a search-and-destroy mission to obtain and reabsorb Legion's personalities. It's led to regular people strapping bombs to their chest, souls being stolen, and Frenzy making a little girl cry. It's also the first major X-men mission that Frenzy has taken part in. After experiencing the power of being an X-man (that power also including Cyclops's penis), she's taken on a new look and she's making it work for her in as badass a way as Mike Carey can muster. She's brought some much needed grit to the team and it's made for some great moments. It led the team to take on one of Legion's most dangerous personalities, Styx. Aside from being a shitty rock band in the 70s, it's also a disembodied demonic personality intent on controlling the souls of the world. In other words, he's a slightly less insane Pat Robertson.

X-men Legacy #253 begins with Magneto, Frenzy, and Gambit facing another one of Legion's personalities that Styx threw at them like a pissed off Charlie Sheen at a crack den. This personality is part Juggernaut and part Terminator. He's all muscle, no brain, and a shit ton of firepower. Again, not unlike the Oakland Raiders. And Magneto, Frenzy, and Gambit are stuck fighting this thing because Legion had to go off and confront Styx himself. By confront I mean he was a total pussy and let Styx absorb him. So he's essentially fucked himself, the X-men, and the world. Way to go Legion! I think that sends a powerful message that schizophrenics should never go off their meds.

So Legion confronts Styx. At the end of the last issue, Styx revealed that he took control of Professor Xavier. It turns into a simple hostage situation. Either Legion becomes a psychic prison bitch or dear old daddy gets shanked in a way that no proctologist will ever be able to treat. Legion, being sane enough not to be a massive dick cheese, agrees and lets Styx take over. He doesn't offer much resistance either. Keep in mind, this is a guy who took over every soul in Paris. Granted, you could probably do that by spiking the wine supplies, but it still makes a valid point. He's powerful, he's greedy, and he wants to be the alpha dog in Legion's mind.

While Legion is getting accustomed to his new role as bitch, the rest of the X-men are stuck fighting Mr. Juggernaut rip-off. He actually proves to be more resourceful than Juggernaut. He first appeared as rejected Iron Man suit. Well when you've got a guy like Magneto trying to kill you, that's pretty fucking stupid. That's like putting a target on your ass and facing a militant homosexual with a dildo tipped rocket launcher. So Mr. Iron Man rip-off does a cheap shot and shifts his form to look more like a rock. He actually looks like a walking hunk of shit, but at least that means he can kick Magneto's ass and make quick work of Frenzy and Gambit.

Then something unexpected happens. It's a twist that Mike Carey never hinted at or built up to, but it's a twist so startling that if you've smoked too much weed before reading this comic then you'll start to think the CIA is tapping into your brain again. What happens is Legion shows up. No, he didn't escape from Styx. Styx is too busy enjoying himself as the new alpha male in Legion's schizophrenic personality. So what the fuck happened?

This is where it pays to follow Carey's books from start to finish because he does pay attention to the little details. Remember earlier in the arc when the X-men faced a personality that was basically a Multiple rip-off? Well keep in mind, Legion reabsorbed that personality. You know what that means? He has that power. So that guy Styx is about to make his personal blow-up doll doesn't deliver the impact he thought (not as big a prison rape joke as you think) he finds out that the Legion he thought he was draining is a dup. Okay, so being a fragment of a personality doesn't make you smart. But this shit is sneaky enough to catch the readers off guard so it's pretty damn brilliant.

Not only does Styx find out that now he's become the bitch, he's also not in a position to help Mr. Juggernaut ripoff. Now that Legion is in the battle, he can take advantage of the WTF effect and land a finishing blow. It's a nice moment because to this point, the rest of the X-men were getting their asses kicked in ways only the 2007 Detroit Lions could understand. Legion provides the extra firepower to take him down. Plus, he's still the dominant personality so he can absorb his ass as well (NOT a prison rape joke this time). It should come as a hell of a relief to the others, but they're just as surprised as the reader. How the fuck did he pull off a double take when his personalities are so unbalanced that every time he makes a phone call the caller ID explodes?

Well the answer to that is as simple as it is awesome. Rogue. That's right! The same Rogue that got caught in the blast of a suicide bomber in the previous issue. She doesn't just look pretty, act sassy, and occasionally swap spit with guys like Magneto and Gambit. She's actually pretty damn powerful because she can absorb powers. That includes Legion. So when Styx demanded that Legion confront him, he got what he asked for. But he never said he wanted the real Legion. Granted, that's like saying "I didn't say Simon Says!" but it works!

Now there is somewhat of a problem with this, albeit a minor one. We don't exactly know how the hell Rogue went from hospital bed to kicking Styx's ass. There is a slight attempt at an explanation, but it's not that clear. That or I'm just too drunk to make sense of it. There's no question that Rogue is tough, but she was in a fucking bomb blast. How the hell did she heal herself that fast and swap places with Legion so that nobody including the reader found out? It's a mystery that would take Sherlock Holmes on LSD to figure out, but given Legion's power and Rogue's flexibility in using them it's not completely impossible or utterly contrived. So I can't make too big a deal about it. Not when it works so damn well.

Whatever lingering scars she had from the blast, Rogue brushes off like dandruff on her shoulder. She proceeds to drain Styx and weaken his disembodied ass so that Legion can reabsorb him. In the process this releases Styx's hold on most of Paris and Professor Xavier. This could have been a clean way to end the arc, but Mike Carey doesn't like to do shit halfway it seems. While Legion is absorbing Styx, he ends up absorbing Rogue as well. That's a hell of a problem. Rogue of all people doesn't deserve to get locked away in the fucked up tapestry of Legion's psyche. She's better than that and she's too hot. So Professor Xavier does what he does and rushes to her aid.

Using that bald headed noggin of his, Professor Xavier enters Legion's mind and sifts through those fucked up personalities to find Rogue. Along the ways he passes some that the X-men have already faced. It's a nice refresher course over what they've gone up against in this arc. But when he finds Rogue, he finds that she's gotten somewhat comfortable in Legion's personality. Keep in mind, Legion packs a fuck ton of power and Rogue is like reservoir for power. So like Charlie Sheen in a Colombian crack house, she just can't help herself. She absorbs the kind of power that Vladimir Putin only pretends to have. Mike Carey has made no secret of his love for Rogue in the past so it's not too surprising that she powers her up a bit.

They leave Legion's mind and Rogue takes the power with her. When she's back in the non-schizophrenic world, everything seems back to normal. Legion is spent, looking like a guy who just went out partying with Keith Richards. Xavier tends to his son in a way that makes him somewhat less a douche-bag than he's been over the past half-decade or so. But Rogue isn't finished. She says that she has a nice dose of Legion's powers and she can use them to keep a certain promise she made earlier in the arc. What promise is it? Well it involves a woman with red hair, green eyes, and a fiery disposition. And no, it's not Jean Grey. It's NEVER fucking Jean Grey. That just wouldn't be Marvel.

Instead, it's Rachel. That's right, Rachel fucking Grey came back in the form of Revenant during Age of X. She reached out to the X-men and let them know she was kind of in a shitty predicament with Havok and Polaris. And not shitty as in stuck in traffic on the 405 during rush-hour. It's shitty in the sense that they're being held prisoner by a bunch of pissed of Shi'ar. Rogue promised to find her and now she has Legion's power so she can do that. So she says goodbye to the Professor and without even giving Gambit, Frenzy, and Magneto a chance to rest she teleports them across the cosmos. When she arrives, she discovers an unconscious Rachel and a bunch of pissed off and heavily armed Shi'ar. Thus ends the single greatest transition Marvel has written since Reagan was president.

Mike Carey must be an impatient man because he pretty much skipped the whole resolution where the X-men sat around, caught their breath, and got drunk as is every superheroes right after a victory. Instead, he took the end of Legion's battle and took it right to the next story, which brings Rachel, Havok, and Polaris out of their three-year exile. It's abrupt, but I won't call it random because it just fucking works. Rogue gets a taste of Legion's vast array of powers and one just happens to be useful in finding their lost friends. It would have been a dick move if she didn't use it to their advantage. And what happens as soon as she arrives? The Shi'ar pull a gun on her and prepare to go Ted Nugant on her ass. You couldn't ask for a better transition if Mike Carey punched the reader out so they woke up on the exact day the next issue came out.

The end was very sweet and it complimented a solid end to the arc. One of Mike Carey's greatest strengths is his ability to characterize the X-men and make coherent stories with them. This arc flowed so perfectly from beginning to end. It was like poetry with explosions, twists, and boobs. The twist with Legion pulling a double take with Styx was very satisfying. The only issue I could really take with this book is how Rogue was able to go from hospital bed to the front lines without anybody noticing. Mike Carey wasn't too clear on those details, but given all the power Rogue packs it's not so outlandish that it feels too contrived. Still, some added details would have been nice.

Overall, this arc made me care more about Legion and Frenzy than I ever gave half a bag of shit about before. Mike Carey is one of those rare writers who can take a character that very few people who don't brows wikipedia during their down time at work and make them awesome. It has made for a very satisfying ending to a story that flowed perfectly from Age of X. For this, I am willing to put X-men Legacy right up there with Uncanny X-Force, Uncanny X-men, and X-23 as the SEAL Team 6 of X-men comics. As such, I give X-men Legacy #253 a 5 out of 5. This comic couldn't have been more complete without it being wrapped in bacon and dipped in chocolate. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #252 - Awesome vs Insanity

Sometimes it's easy to forget just how awesome a series is. It's not because readers or stupid or some of them kill too many brain cells with exotic substances imported from Southeast Asia (or both). It's because there's a shit ton of competition making so much noise that it's like trying to listen to Henry Kissenger give a speech while Metallica is playing a concert in the background. The X-books have become a crowded lot in terms of awesome. It's an embarrassment of riches with such gems as Uncanny X-Force, Uncanny X-men, X-men Schism, X-23, and Wolverine. Somewhere in between this orgy of awesome is X-men Legacy, a book that was consistent before the big wigs at Marvel decided it was a good idea to have ALL their X-books follow that example. I admit even I forgot about it with the recent hoopala surrounding Uncanny X-men and Schism. But I'm a drunk. That's a good enough reason, isn't it?

Well this past week, X-men #252 came out. For the past few issues, Mike Carey has been telling the story of how Legion is pulling his crazy ass together. And in comics, that's usually safe to take literally without it being a stupid joke. After Age of X, Legion's mind went off in more directions than Charlie Sheen in a Bankok pharmacy. Those personalities are about as friendly as hobo in crack withdraw. One of them thought it would be find to replay the old Body Snatchers routine, forcing Rogue, Gambit, Magneto, and Frenzy to help his sorry ass out. They've succeeded in getting a few personalities back in line while making a little girl cry in the process. This issue picks up in Paris, a land every girlfriend you ever had bitches about when you don't take her there and where unshaven armpits are considered sexy. What I'm trying to say before I get to the review is fuck Paris. Just thought I'd get that out of my system.

The personality they're after this time is Styx. Now it's hard to find a guy very threatening when he's named after some pussy rock band from the 70s, but he's been pulling the strings with the other personalities so I guess he's kind of dangerous. While the team cruises Paris in search for a disembodied psychopath (of which I'm sure Europe has plenty), one of Styx's buddies shows up to confront Rogue. Now he looks psychotic enough, like a young Patrick Stuart on steroids. But how he fucks with Rogue is what really sets the tone. He's a living voodoo doll. That means that all has to do is fuck himself up and he fucks Rogue up. So to kick her ass, he must kick his own ass. I think that was a Buddhist saying, but unlike Christian faith healers this shit works.

Not content with just making Rogue hit herself like an obnoxious older sister with PMS, he shows some balls and blows his sorry ass up in a way that Iranian school teachers would give a B-. I say a B- because while it does leave a smoldering mark on the streets of Paris, it only somewhat wounds Rogue. Since a blast in Paris is hard to ignore when there isn't an anti-immigration riot going on, the others come to her aid. Seeing as how Magneto wants to bone her and Gambit wants to keep boning her despite Magneto, they're pretty pissed and they're losing their patience with Legion. Remember, in the last issue it was revealed that if Legion was somehow killed, all his personalities would be killed as well. It's a last ditch solution that if push comes to shove, guys like Magneto would not hesitate to utilize. When the girl he wants to see naked gets hurt, Magneto starts getting all sorts of crazy ideas.

The team calls off their search so they can get Rogue to one of those dreary government run French hospitals that Fox News loves to demean. She still survives so I guess Glenn Beck can suck it, but that's besides the point. While they're lamenting over Rogue, Legion tells them what they're up against. Apparently, Styx is the kind of asshole Rogue could have been if nature was more of a bitch. He doesn't just absorb people in that pussy ass life-threatening way that Rogue is so good at. He actually absorbs everything about a person, takes control of them, and relegates them to a glorified meat puppet. So he's basically Rupert Murdoch minus the lawyers.

Now there is what looks to be a nice conversation with Magneto and Frenzy, but it's basically just telling readers what they already know. Magneto tried the whole crimes against humanity bit. He outgrew it. Sort of like how kids outgrew Pokemon. Same with Frenzy. Now usually this is where Mike Carey shines because he's so good at digging into the psyche of a characters. He's Dr. Phil with comics and without shitty talk-shows. But this was one case where it came off flat. The conversation Rogue had with Legion is somewhat better, but it mainly acts as a reminder that they're up against a fucked up enemy and that's about it.

Now that Rogue is officially out of the fight and not distracting Styx with her exposed cleavage, the team decides to go after Styx short-handed. Having exhausted all the smart ideas, they decide to do something that's a bit more foolish if not bat-shit. Legion had been keeping Styx from finding them by using Time-Sink's powers to create a barrier (see X-men Legacy #251). Well rather than search for him and be patient about it, they decide to let the barrier down so Styx can find them. It's about as stupid as it sounds, but without Rogue present there's no one to say it's a shitty idea. The result is as you would expect. As soon as they're exposed, Styx takes a page right out of Exodus and throws a plague of bugs at them. Again, it reinforces what a shitty idea it was. But let's face it, even superheroes make dumb moves.

Stupid or not, ingesting a few flies and subjecting themselves to malaria did get them back on the right trail. They followed the flies like a fucked up version of the yellow brick road to the basement of a church where they hope to find Styx urinating on a cross or whatever disembodied death-obsessed psychopaths do. When they arrive, they find that Styx read Dante's Inferno a bit too closely. Under the church, he's basically turned it into the nine circles of Hell. They meet up with all these people whaling in pain because why wouldn't they? They're in Hell and by Hell I don't mean stuck on the 405 at rush-hour. It's this instance where being a sociopath helps because Magneto ignores them, staying focused on Legion's renegade brain farts.

 
Not content to just put the X-men in a nightmare, Styx shows them what he hopes is either an ominous vision of the future or a warning to potential anorexics. He basically shows them their own dead bodies, but again this really doesn't have much impact. This is Magneto, Frenzy, Legion, and Gambit. They've all been sociopaths at one point in their lives. They have about as much compassion as Bernie Madoff when he's stoned. It doesn't bother them. What makes a much greater impression is an army of what look like Christmas Carolers after they watched Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ. Being in Hell, they already know that Jesus can't really do shit for them now. Not just because they're in Hell, but because they also have bombs strapped to their chest like that Patrick Stewart wannabe from earlier. So yeah, Hell CAN actually get worse.

At this point, Legion's frustration boils over because Styx is basically holding on the cards. He says that only Legion may come to confront Styx and if they don't, all those innocent people with bombs strapped to their chests will go the way of eight-track tapes and Apple's Mobile Me. Frenzy and Magneto sure don't agree. Remember, they're former sociopaths so they're not going to worry as much about innocent lives as they should. So when Legion defies them by punching out Magneto, it makes a hell of a statement. It says that a schizophrenic is more compassionate than Magneto. People can say whatever they want about Magneto being with the X-men, but the son-of-a-bitch is still Magneto. So it's a very appropriate scene.

Frenzy and Gambit sure don't like it, but Legion decked Magneto. It sends the message that if they're not going to stop them and if they try they'll start french kissing dirt and since they're in France that means a lot more. So Legion goes forward to confront Styx. He finds out that Styx doesn't just want to wave his dick in Legion's face at how he's fucking up Paris (who wouldn't?), but he shows that he actually has Charles Xavier by his side. He took him over and now he might as well be a hood ornament. So Legion is left with a choice. Either he lets Styx take him over or he makes dear old dad a bloody stain for the French police to mop up with a sponge. It puts Legion in a hell of a position and one that seems to have been building for quite some time.

Now it's worth remembering that before this arc, Legion was a very different character. In Age of X he actually got to be a hero of sorts. The whole premise of NOT fucking people over with his psychosis is still new to him. So when one of his own personalities is trying to fuck with him, he's in a hell of a position. It's a great moment for Legion because it means he has to decide between his sanity and his father. Well, however fucked up his brain is, he chooses his father. He lets Styx take him over. It's still stupid as hell, but it's the right thing to do. He's been such a pain for a son. It seems fitting.

As soon as this happens, the fucked up mind of a schizophrenic goes from fucked to bat-shit. Now Styx has Legion and all the crazy personalities with all his crazy powers. He wastes no time in putting them to crazy use. Just as Magneto is waking up from being decked, the new Legion/Styx partnership has brought a new guest to Hell. It's part sentinel and part Juggernaut and part failed float at Carnival in Brazil. So now that means Frenzy, Magneto, and Gambit have to fight their way out of both Hell and Legion's madness. It's a hell of a way to fuck up their day, but it caps off a solid issue that brings Legion's battle with his insanity to a climax that Jenna Jameson herself would admire.

\It seems the longer this arc goes on, the more insane Legion becomes. You can separate the crazy out of a guy and scatter it across the world, but you can never fully eliminate that crazy entirely. Again, I think that's also a Buddhist proverb and one that Mike Carey has taken to the extreme with this arc. Legion's slow descent into madness has been a solid story from the beginning. It's not too surprising that he seems to be losing it. In most other stories involving Legion, the crazy ends up kicking his ass in the end. It doesn't seem all that new or unique, but the way Mike Carey tells it really gives it a sense of impact. Even though X-men Legacy has become somewhat detached from the other books, it doesn't take away from the quality that Mike Carey consistently delivers with this title.

If there is any problem with this issue, it's that it didn't go far enough. There were no real personal moments like there were in the previous issues. There was no moment with Frenzy reflecting on her new role with the X-men. There was no real emotion to the moment Rogue got hurt. Part of what makes Mike Carey's books so great is that he usually takes time to flesh out the characters even as some over-the-top plot involving disembodied personalities is unfolding. He really didn't do that here. He focused entirely on Legion and his determination to find Styx. The action was solid, but somewhat bland. It really did pick up in the end, but without those character moments that make these books so amazing it's just hard to come away from this issue feeling like you've been wowed. It's like getting only a half-decent blow-job that ends too quickly. You're still interested in more, but not as excited.

Now I'm still wearing a cheerleader outfit and shaking pom-poms for X-men Legacy (don't worry, it's not the craziest thing I wear when I'm drunk). I love this series and this arc with Legion is as solid as any, but this particular issue fails to match the same themes that the other previous issues were so successful in developing. It doesn't drag down the whole arc. However, when you put it in the scope of the other arcs that are currently unfolding in the X-books, it just doesn't measure up. So for X-men Legacy #252, I give it a 3.5 out of 5. It had the potential to get a perfect score, but it just didn't go far enough and it just doesn't stand out amidst all the competition. There is still a great chance for this book to be as awesome as any other. The end of this arc with Legion may tie it together in a way that would make me want to have this story mixed with my ashes when liver disease finally does me in. Only time will tell. The problem is that when so many great X-men books are coming out, my attention span is the size of a-you know what? I'm going to go read Uncanny X-Force again. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #251 - Multiple Awesome Syndrome

When the Marvel marketing machine is in full gear, it's hard to so much as think straight let alone enjoy the little things in life. With events like Fear Itself, Schism, and Death of Spider-Man it's like a Mardi Gras float parading around through your head minus the topless women and free booze. It can be annoying as hell. Sometimes you gotta make the effort to enjoy the Marvel books that get overlooked, not for a lack of quality but more for a lack of Marvel trying to etch it's awesome on the face of the fucking moon. Sometimes those books are hard to find, but they're worth it. That's how I view X-men Legacy.

Now I know I've had my share of criticisms mixed with dick jokes. I still stand by them, but that doesn't mean I've lost faith in X-men Legacy or Mike Carey. A lot of it has had to do with the Magneto/Rogue pukefest. It's been pointed out to me by a number of commenters that these characters do have a history. I'm aware of that history and I'm also aware that it doesn't get touched on for a reason. This is Magneto we're talking about here. The whole concept of him being a loyal soldier to Cyclops is completely new. It's not even three years old. Magneto's history is much longer and full of some pretty fucked up shenanigans. My position is that Rogue being able to overlook that is just fucked up and completely out of character.

But I don't want to keep ranting about Rogue and Magneto when I talk about X-men Legacy. There's a lot more going on than an old guy trying to stick his penis into something one forth his age. That shit is best reserved for GILF message boards. In recent issues of X-men Legacy, Mike Carey has been assembling a new team from the ashes of Age of X. Before much of the story was centered around Rogue and a fairly random cast of characters. Since the end of Age of X, Cyclops and Charles Xavier have been putting together a team to help clean up the mess left by that reality warping clusterfuck. This involves helping Legion get his schizophrenic mind back in one skull. In the last issue, they began that mission by hunting down one of Legion's rogue personalities named Time Sink. They ended up succeeding only after he fucked the team around a bit. In X-men Legacy #251 they have to hunt down another personality. This one isn't so unique. He's actually a knock-off of Jamie Madrox, but it's Legion. Being schizophrenic doesn't mean being original.

It starts with Rogue and Magneto. I know, I'm legally obligated to make a old dick joke here. There's nothing too nauseating here. Magneto does find a way to make a pass at her when they show up in London to a deserted street. He seems inclined to make out with her, but Rogue doesn't fall for it this time. So he can put the bottle of extra strength viagra away (see, there's your dick joke). But he doesn't get a chance to make another attempt. They're both quickly ambushed by Legion's next personality, Chain. And it turns out he's not a total knock-off of Multiple Man. He doesn't just snap his fingers and make clones of himself in a way that would make the pro-life crowd shit themselves. He touches random people and basically hijacks them into being the template for his duplicates. It's like hijacking a car and throwing the driver in the trunk. Only this time it's not a mob hit or a practical joke gone horribly wrong. It's just the random manifestation of a schizophrenic mutant.

So Magneto won't get his chance to trick Rogue into another pity fuck. Legion's fucked up and fragmented mind is sure to keep them busy. The rest of the team is just starting to see how fucked up this new Chain personality is. Legion explains it to Frenzy, Gambit, and Xavier as they prepare to enter the shit storm. He also reveals that they have another personality that's nearby. Keep in mind Time Sink really worked them over in the last issue and he was just one personality. So they have reason to keep their bowels tightened for a battle like this just as Jamie Madrox has reason to sue Legion for copyright infringement.

The battle on the ground with Rogue and Magneto escalates quickly. The art here really shines as it depicts an epic, 300 style onslaught. But unlike 300 there's no historic stand or homoerotic innuendo. Chain proves that he's not a mindless army of dupes. He adapts himself to the battle and for some reason using bows and arrows is pretty effective against Magneto because it ends up wounding him. Seriously, how can the guy call himself a superior being when he can still be wounded with technology from the fucking Bronze Age?

Legion and the rest of the X-men show up. They quickly decide that being this outnumbered with a wounded old man who still wants to bone girls who could still star in co-ed pornos isn't a good position to be in. So Legion teleports them away from the attack. He also revealed that to stop Chain and save all the people he's hijacked, they have to find the original Chain who is labeled 1A. So it's like fighting a psychopath and trying to find a book in the library. It sounds like the most inefficient case of multi-tasking in the history of the world.

The team ends up in a parking garage of all places. Rather than throw themselves at an army of pissed off dupes, they decide to wait for Professor Xavier to locate 1A. Since Magneto is wounded, nobody has too big a problem with that. Well except for one. Frenzy is still the new girl and she hasn't quite adapted to the X-men's policy of patience and strategy. She's like Wolverine except with boobs and she keeps the NAACP off Marvel's ass. She's like Janet Jackson with superpowers and as I've stated in previous reviews, she's been one of the best additions to X-men Legacy since someone decided to make Rogue's cleavage more visible.

Helping her cope with these strange new rules that don't involve randomly destroying shit, Gambit confronts her. They take a moment to talk about some of the drama that's been unfolding along with Legion's schizophrenic mind. Gambit says he wanted Rogue to fight by Magneto's side because that would help her see that he hasn't changed. He's still the same fucked up tyrant who used to look at humanity the same way Ted Nugant looks at a wounded deer. It sounds reasonable, but letting the girl he has the hots for hang out with Magneto? That's like setting her up on a blind date with Ted Bundy. He suggests that Frenzy do the same with Cyclops, hang around him and find out that he doesn't make her panties as wet as she thought. Then again that means dealing with Emma fucking Frost so I think Gambit's career as a counselor is fucked.

This moment takes a turn for the random when in the midst of this argument, Frenzy and Gambit just up and kiss. No, there weren't sharing a moment. In fact, the way Frenzy was talking she seemed to want to circumcise him with a butter-knife. It looks like some sort of crazy counter to the Rogue/Magneto kiss that I droned on about in previous reviews. However, this one isn't quite as fucked up. Remember that other personality that Legion mentioned? Susan? Well she has this crazy ability to take emotions and turn it into the equivalent of a bazooka. Since Frenzy is about as emotionally stable as Joe Pecci in Goodfellas, this gives her plenty to work with. Also, she looks like a five-year-old girl. And she was in Legion's mind. If you doubted how crazy he was before, this should lay any lingering concerns to rest. If not, then you're just being difficult.

As for Legion himself, the battle against his personalities takes an unexpected twist. Once Gambit and Frenzy are out of the picture, Magneto reveals that he's under special order to take Legion out if his personalities become too much of a threat. It's not clear if it's an order. He was just told that if the decision was between the world and a schizophrenic reality warping mutant with daddy issues, use common sense. Legion doesn't take kindly to this. Neither does Magneto. They end up fighting, keeping in mind that Magneto is wounded. Then Rogue steps in and puts a stop to it by absorbing them. She has this strange pet peeve about turning on one another before the fight is over. She's weird like that. It also shows that this team aren't the Superfriends. Occassionatly, they do want to kill each other.

So thanks to Rogue, they still have a moderate chance to hog tie the rest of Legion's personalities. This gives Frenzy yet another chance to shine, as if she hasn't already blinded readers with her awesome in X-men Legacy. This time she does it in a way that's as cruel as it sounds. She walks up to Little Susan, grabs her stuffed doll, and rips it's head off. She might as well have snatched a lollypop from a toddler, but there was a reason behind this. To stop Little Susan's rampage, they had to make her cry. It's cruel, but it work and Legion is able to re-absorb her.

Again, I'm compelled to point out how big Frenzy's impact has been on this title. She's not like any of the other character's featured. She's mean, she's tough, she's impatient, and she does it with an attitude that even Wolverine could respect. Mike Carey has really given her a voice and a personality. Her attitude alone makes X-men Legacy worth getting. Without her, this is just another typical fight between the X-men and some psychotic out-of-control mutant. They do that sort of shit every other Thursday.

With one personality down, the team gets their swagger back. Legion brushes off Magneto's earlier attempt to kill him and proves himself by hunting down 1A, which Charles Xavier was able to track. Now this convenient revelation comes at kind of an awkward moment. When Magneto tried to attack Legion, that implied it was too late. It had gotten to a point where Legion's personalities were too much to handle. Yet Xavier is able to find Chain and Legion is able to take him out with minimal effort. It could have been a much more epic struggle. They seemed to overlook Magneto jumping the gun on plan B. It doesn't make the comic incoherent, but it does hurt the flow. It's just one of those little things that hurts a comics ability to be top-tier in terms of awesome.

So they've taken down a Multiple Man ripoff and a psychic little girl. Well I guess when you put it like that, it doesn't sound like much. But the team followed up what they did in the previous issue. Whereas in X-men Legacy #250 they took down one stray personality, here they took down two. Not bad, but before they can get too confident they find out they may have fucked up. When they get back to the X-jet, they find out that Professor Xavier has been abducted. It wasn't mysterious either. Legion says outright that it was one of his personalities, namely Styx. Now it may be hard for some to feel too threatened by a villain with the name of some classic rock band from the 70s, but it definitely changes the shape of the arc. It was just starting to get bland with the whole hunting down personalities and absorbing them into Legion. Now the next issue promises to do something different. It's a great way to mix it up and adds a new marketing ploy for Marvel to exploit. Whether it can pierce the glow set by Fear Itself and Schism remains to be seen.

So that's two more personalities down in this issue. The next one looks like a reject from the last Mummy movie. The stage is set for the next mission and this time it's turned into an abduction. So instead of carjacking jokes, I'll have to start making jokes about kidnapping. I may need some time with that one if I'm not going to draw the wrath of Bill O'Reily. It promises to be different than the way this issue is constructed. If there's a weakness in this issue, it's that the core of the plot isn't much different from the previous issue. The X-men go after a personality by Legion, they get roughed up a bit, and then they beat it. This time they just beat two instead of one. Mike Carey did mix it up a bit, but for the most part the premise wasn't too different. So the end helped change it up by putting Charles Xavier back into mix. Let's face it, the man's not a fighter. He's a visionary who in recent years has become more manipulative than New Jersey loan shark. It promises to make for a different battle in the next issue.

Aside from limited variation, the issue was solid on every other level. There were some twists and teases. Magneto's flirting wasn't overdone in a way that made you want to puke. The kiss with Gambit and Frenzy seemed random until a twisted explanation from Little Susan was given. It wasn't a complete free-for-all over-the-top battle against a couple of crazy mental fragments. There was some strategy and tact, which Mike Carey has historically done very well. He also did a great job of giving Frenzy more face time. She's becoming a bonified star in the X-books when less than a year ago if you quizzed the average X-men fan they couldn't even point her out in a line-up let alone imagine her kicking this level of ass. It's a beautiful thing when a character comes out of nowhere and injects a fresh dose of awesome into a book. For this, Frenzy has earned her spot amongst the X-men and does it with the kind of grit that Wolverine probably jerks off to.

X-men Legacy #251 is a great book that's been on the upswing since the end of Age of X. It started off shakey, but it's quickly returning to the kind of consistency that once made Legacy one of the best X-books on the racks. Granted, it's been getting overshadowed by developments in Uncanny, X-Force, and Fear Itself. But with an issue like this, it shows that there are just some forms of awesome you can't get with overhyped events. That's why I give X-men Legacy #251 a 4.5 out of 5. It has everything you want in an X-men story without Marvel trying to force feed it with a shovel. It's awesome on it's own accord and that I think it something special. Nuff said!