Thursday, November 1, 2012

X-men Legacy #275 - The End Feels Awesome

There comes a time in every high when you know you're either going to pass out or sober up in a way that'll make you feel like shitting through your nose. The feeling has many parallels with what happens when a long-running comic book series ends to make way for a non-reboot relaunch. We know it's a gimmick. We know it's just a pitiful way for the big wigs at Marvel to slap a new #1 on a comic to boost sales. But in the same way you know that too much blow will make your heart explode, you bury your face in it and inhale the awesome. Sure, the high is going to wear off and there's a chance you could wake up face down on a pool table with an eight-ball shoved in your ass, but it's worth it if it's awesome.

One of the many titles that is getting a relaunch at Marvel is X-men Legacy. This is a book that has been a good chunk of the bedrock for the X-books for a very long time. It spun out of Grant Morrison's New X-men run and Mike Carey spent years making sure it was consistently awesome in a way most pot dealers could never hope to match. After a successful tenure, Christos Gage took over for the home stretch. His run has had it's ups and downs. Some of it has been awesome. Some of it has been disgusting because it evokes images of Magneto's wrinkled nutsack banging against Rogue's chin.

But thankfully, that shit was officially ended at the end of X-men Legacy #274. Since then, Marvel has already announced that Rogue will be a major member of Uncanny Avengers where she may be able to get another old guy's balls banging against her chin in Captain America. But while that series is just beginning to establish itself, Rogue still has some shit to resolve in X-men Legacy and hopefully it doesn't involve cat people dongs.

X-men Legacy has been following the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men fairly closely. In the previous issue, Rogue assisted with some of the rescue efforts while trying hard to keep Magneto out of her panties. For the final issue of X-men Legacy, that aftermath continues as Rogue gets roped into helping SHIELD break up a prison riot because their infamous Raft prison was damaged during Avengers vs. X-men. And for reasons that are exceedingly convenient, nobody but Rogue is in a position to help. Being the nice girl she is (and because she's now going to be one of the pretty faces on Uncanny Avengers), she agrees to help out. She also gets Mimic to tag along, who has been somewhat fucked up since the Weapon Omega story a few arcs back. At first, it sounds like he's trying to get into Rogue's panties. She's quick to remind him that since she's broken away from Magneto, her panties are not fit for anyone's presence. But he makes it clear that he admires her ability to ditch baggage like Magneto and come off looking hot doing it. And maybe by helping her with that mission, some of that skill will rub off. But since he doesn't have Rogue's rack, the odds are stacked against him.

Rogue and Mimic arrive on the Raft to the kind of prison riot you won't see without a severe concussion and a massive dose of LSD. Perhaps this is Marvel's way of showing how the X-men and Avengers are cooperating now that they've discovered that fighting one another leads to a shitty comic book event. But it still comes off as utterly ridiculous that she and Mimic are the only ones that can handle this shit. The action here is pretty awesome, which is welcome since X-men Legacy has been pretty light on the action lately and heavy on cat people dongs. Since this is the last issue before the relaunch, it's refreshing to see an X-book get back to basics by having a hot woman like Rogue show a pansy little shit like Mimic how to kick ass.

But like I mentioned earlier, they horribly undermanned and the Avengers can't be bothered to break up a typical prison riot. They just have to save their energy for more important shit like fucking with cosmic entities and blaming the guy who was right all along. Okay, bad example. But since Rogue isn't a dumb shit, she understands that all these super-powered criminals aren't going to go down quietly and they can't expect the Avengers or the other X-men to get off their fat asses to help them. And since Mimic is know for his strategy about as much as he's known for his ability to soak Rogue's panties, Rogue has to come up with the plan. So she expects him to not be a pussy and hold off the riot until she hatches a plan. It sounds like she's trusting Pacman Jones at a strip club, but that's how limited her options are I guess.

With Mimic now holding the line, Rogue ventures into the part of the prison that hasn't devolved into a mass shank-fest. She stands in front of a bunch of hardened superpowered criminals that probably haven't seen a pair of breasts outside stick figures drawn on their cell walls and gives a rather rousing if not futile speech. But it's not as cliched as it sounds. Rogue's speech essentially sums up her personal journey over the course of X-men Legacy. She tells them about how she had once been bad enough to let Magneto touch her breasts. She had been a villain who had made some pretty lousy decisions that were almost as bad as letting Magneto see her naked. Yet she was able to overcome that shit and be better. She was able to become the kick-ass X-man she is now.

It may not be a Braveheart style speech, but it is an extremely appropriate speech given the context of the issue. Since this is the final issue of X-men Legacy, it acts as an epilogue of sorts to show Rogue's current mindset while reflecting on how far she's come. It's a great moment in some ways, even if it doesn't have the necessary emotional impact. It still acts as a nice summation to what X-men Legacy has been about for all these years and in that sense it's satisfying.

Most of the prisoners are inclined to just ask that she show them her boobs. I admit I would probably ask the same. But some superpowered criminals aren't complete douche-bags and offer her the use of their powers. And she doesn't even have to show them her boobs. It's a little bland in that respect, but it has the desired effect. Now Rogue is armed with some extra power that not only makes her capable of taking on an entire prison of superpowered criminals, but it makes her look even more menacing than before. Yet somehow she's still hot enough to jerk off to. Very few characters can pull that shit off and Rogue has made a habit of pulling it off throughout the course of X-men Legacy. I speak for my penis when I say I'll really miss that.

Armed with this new power and with Mimic managing to hold off long enough to not piss himself, Rogue is able to quell the prison riot in another round of action that's both satisfying and entertaining. It's not overly elaborate and it's a little chaotic at times, but then again X-men Legacy has never been known for well-organized action. It's still impressive enough to make Mimic reconsider trying to get into Rogue's panties. Even if he has no chance, you have to believe he's committing this to memory the next time he's alone with a bottle of lube and no internet connection. And since this may very well Rogue's last big action moment in the pages of X-men Supreme, it's something for both readers and my penis to savor.

Later on after the Raft is somewhat unfucked, Mimic catches up with Rogue back at the Jean Grey Institute and they have a nice moment. Rogue essentially gives Mimic another speech that also sums up her journey and how she intends to move forward. It's a little melodramatic, but it's still a nice, concise summation of where she is now and how her journey and X-men Legacy has led her to this point. It doesn't feel overly contrived either because Mimic seems to be in a similar position, not sure of himself and needing guidance from a hot chick with bigger balls (and tits) than he'll ever have. But it doesn't quite have the impact it should for a final issue.

In many ways, these speeches by Rogue are like bookends to the theme of X-men Legacy. It's always been one of those X-books that deals with characters looking to rebuild themselves from a fucked up past. Whether it's Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, or Frenzy they're stuck making choices that often lead to shit exploding and cat-people dongs. But Rogue's journey has been the most complete. Her speech may be a bit wordy here, but it covers all the basics and gives the reader a nice sense of what X-men Legacy has been all about.

The final scene is a nice little image of Rogue essentially telling Mimic that once he gets his shit together, it feels better than a blow job and a bong hit. It also shows that Rogue has gotten to that point, minus the blow job and the bong hit of course. The final scene essentially caps off Rogue's journey in X-men Legacy. It's not over for the X-books in general, but it's over for X-men Legacy. After you wipe the tears from your eye and the lube from your dick, it finally sinks in. This story is over and a new one is set to begin.

X-men Legacy has been a unique approach to AX-men since it began under Mike Carey's pen. Rogue has been the central focus for years and in that time she's gone through a lot of growth and a fuckton of regression, primarily due to her boning Magneto. There have been times where X-men Legacy has been the most consistent source of awesome in the X-books and there have been times when it has been nauseatingly unreadable (see cat people dongs). Now that it's over, what kind of legacy does X-men Legacy leave behind? Well it can't be too shitty because Marvel is relaunching this shit with an exceedingly short grace period. But the new X-men Legacy promises to get away from the stories surrounding Rogue and focus on Legion, Xavier's now orphaned Schizophrenic son. So the focus has gone from a hot woman with a great rack in Rogue to a mentally unbalanced dick-cheese with fucked up hair. That has to be the worst tagline for a comic in history.

But the major theme of X-men Legacy #275 was to close this chapter in Rogue's history and make way for the next one. She's already poised to move on in Uncanny Avengers and hopefully not ending up being as big a dick as Captain America. But her story in this series had to end and for the most part, that's what this issue did. It wasn't overly dramatic. Rogue's speech to all the prisoners was a nice summation of how far she's come and where she is now. However, it still came off as rather bland and not very compelling. So she's moved on from being Magneto's fuck-toy, but that's about it. Granted, she's been through a lot more in this series, but you don't really get that impression in reading this issue. It was nice that Mimic provided a means with which to sort of convey that sentiment. But in the end it didn't resonate as well as it could have.

It still felt like a solid ending. After reading this issue, you get the sense that Rogue doesn't need to be in this comic anymore. She's got another story to follow in Uncanny Avengers. However, it doesn't really do much to get you excited for Legion taking over. Given how little he's been used lately, his emergence at this point would just feel somewhat random despite the recent death of Charles Xavier. I like that Rogue got to have one last moment of badassery that summed up her current state in the Marvel universe. But it could have been a lot more awesome. That's why I give X-men Legacy #275 a 3 out of 5.

Rogue has been on an amazing, bonerific journey in the pages of X-men Legacy. The book won't be nearly as awesome or nearly as easy to masturbate to with her gone. But from Mike Carey to Christos Gage, her story has been an awesome ride. It's lasted through many bottles of lube and many boxes of tissues. It'll have a special place in my heart, on my dick, and in the annuls of the X-men mythos. Nuff said!


  1. I can't help but notice you mentioned supreme in there. Is there something you're tring to tease or was it a shameless plug in? great review by the way.

  2. Facebook Gal here.

    As a huge David Haller fan, I just have to point out Legion isn't schizophrenic. Nor does he have autism. When he was created in the 1980s, there was no WebMD for Chris Clairmont to use to double check his medical term. So he incorrectly used these to dscribe multiple personality syndrome (a disassociative condition not a schizophrenic state) and catanoia (autism has a biological origin not a origin in trauma). Since using these terms is an inaccurate as misidentifying disbetes as cancer, (and offends some high power support-groups who have written formal letters of complaint to the editor and chief) Marvel has since corrected themselves.

    I have high hopes for the new story arc, since I enjoyed both Xavier's and Rogue's time in the spotlight. But I do confess to being worried. Marvel has a huge track record of screwing up high powered X-Men of late. Think you'd be willing to share a bit of your mind altering coping mechanism should the series suck?

  3. Thanks for the comments, guys! Being a drunk, I'm not above a little shameless self promotion. To not do that would require a sense of shame, of which I have none. lol And while the relaunched X-men Legacy has a unique approach that may be overshadowed by other books, I hope it will be awesome. If not, I have plenty of exotic substances stocked up with which to cope. lol