It's Official: Uncanny X-men Relaunch and Cyclops/Emma Breakup!

There are some things that are just so unsurprising that you have to actively fight the urge to roll your eyes. It's like finding out your wife secretly fantasizes about being double penetrated by Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Or that a porn star's tits aren't real. It's just one of those inescapable truths that you can't avoid unless you have the willful ignorance of a creationist.

On the flip side, every now and then some genuinely surprising shit comes along that makes you swallow your tongue, grab your balls, and run for the nearest bunker because you're certain it's a sign of the end-times. Now comics have been known to do some pretty shocking shit. DC has Superman and Wonder Woman swapping superhuman bodily fluids. Marvel brought back Bucky freakin' Barnes. Hell, both companies were crazy enough to give Jeph Loeb a job. That shit is pretty shocking, but they both have certain tendencies that readers and drunks come to expect. We expect that Wolverine will be an asshole, that Hope Summers will be an insufferably annoying Jean Grey rip-off, and that Deadpool will never shut up. I've gone on plenty of rants in my reviews about how Marvel outright refuses to do shit they should while doing shit that a drunk monkey that just had his balls cut off wouldn't do. But every now and then, the geniuses at Marvel sober up and I have to eat my words and take a few extra shots of whiskey that I probably would have taken otherwise.

Let's start with the unsurprising shit. A week ago, Marvel teased a new Marvel NOW! series for the relaunch with Uncanny. I did a blot post about it calling it the least ominous teaser since Snakes on a Plane. And for once, Marvel didn't try to be coy about it like that guy who tries to pick up women at a bar by telling them they're licensed to do breast exams (it's shocking how much that shit works by the way). They outright confirmed that Brian Michael Bendis will be adding another X-men book to his already impressive pedigree with All New X-men with the help of Wolverine and the X-men artist, Chris Bachalo.

Marvel: Uncanny X-men Relaunch for Marvel NOW!

It's unsurprising because it makes perfect sense. As we saw at the end of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5, Cyclops has escaped from prison and the Extinction Team is back in action. And since we already know that they'll be clashing with the Original Five in the pages of All New X-men, it's pretty clear they'll have a very different kind of story to tell and there just isn't enough ink for one book to tell it. This way Bendis can tell the story of the Original Five X-men in All New X-men and the Extinction Team in Uncanny X-men. It promises to put Cyclops in a new situation where mutants are not going extinct and some just aren't going to be okay with other bigoted humans trying to kill them.

That in and of itself isn't too shocking. What will have your balls shooting up into the back of your throat is one little twist that involves the beautiful women that Cyclops's penis has become so used to accommodating.

Marvel.com: Speaking of love, Cyclops and Emma Frost went through some rough times during Avengers Vs. X-Men. How does the fallout affect their relationship?

Brian Michael Bendis: The romance is done. They are not together anymore romantically. It's pretty hard to come back from what they went through in Avengers Vs. X-Men. Things were said, powers were stolen, and as we will discover in the very first issues of UNCANNY X-MEN, some things happen between them that cannot be taken back.

I had to read this shit at least six times, smoke a joint, read it again, sober up, take a shot of tequila, sober up again, and then read it six more times. I just couldn't accept that it was real until I had been sufficiently drunk, high, and sober. But I eventually came to accept it. Marvel has actually done something I never thought they would do. They ended the Cyclops/Emma relationship.

Cyclops's penis will NEVER forgive him.

This may not be a big deal to fans who don't care who is boning who in their comics, but for fans that give a shit about the personal lives of their favorite characters this is like your sister telling you she's having a sex change. This is one issue that I've ranted about many times, complaining endlessly and drunkenly how Marvel refuses to genuinely shake shit up with this relationship. It was great when it started out under Joss Whedon, but then it turned into a prolonged episode of Two and a Half Men that consisted only of the occasional one-liner and bed scenes. And since no relationship in Two and a Half Men has ever ended without a horrible breakup, laughable infidelity, or John Cryer coming off as a pussy it made no sense to think of this relationship as anything more than fodder for fans to masturbate to.

Sure, Marvel teased at some tension. In recent years Emma Frost has shown a strong desire to bone Namor, who never passes up an opportunity to put his penis in a hot blond. But nothing ever came of that shit. It was constantly swept under the rug or just shrugged off. I found that more annoying than those stoner friends that always insist they'll pay you back for the weed they stole, but conveniently forget even after you've kicked them in the balls several times. The guys at Marvel just seemed intent on keeping these two together, as if the writers were trying to live through Cyclops so that in a way they could bone Emma Frost. While it's completely understandable to want to fuck someone like Emma Frost, readers like myself are not okay with it coming at the expense of character, plot, and common fucking sense. Just keeping these two together for that reason is a bad fucking reason and anyone who has ever tried to get back with an ex-girlfriend for a bad fucking reason know that shit doesn't end well.

She's probably erasing every memory he's ever had of her naked.

Now shit got pretty heavy in Avengers vs. X-men when Cyclops flat out turned on Emma Frost, beat the Phoenix Force out of her, and took it for himself. That's the kind of relationship gaff that even Ike Turner would find disturbing. But I figured Marvel would find some way to work around that shit so they could keep pretending that they were the ones boning Emma. But I was wrong. And fuck, it never felt so good to be wrong. If one of my health teachers from high school heard me say that now, they would break down crying.

So Cyclops and Emma Frost aren't boning anymore. And that's great. Well, not for Cyclops's penis, but in a purely pragmatic sense it's perfect. Now Cyclops and Emma Frost have to be on the same team as ex-lovers. That's like your parole officer being your pot dealer. It's awkward as fuck and definitely screws up the mission.

Uncanny X-men promises a very different kind of mission under Bendis. Not only is Cyclops a fugitive on a team of other fugitives including his ex, he's in a world where mutants aren't going extinct. He made it clear at the end of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences that he's prepared to do what Wolverine and the Jean Grey Institute can't. He's prepared to protect the mutant race from extinction, even if it means being a douche about it. He had to stop being a boy scout after M-Day and he's not going back. That means there's the potential for new mutants, new X-men, and some very awkward moments between two ex's and Cyclops's past self. It's the kind of Uncanny X-men that could only be more often if every copy came with pictures of Mitt Romney crying like a little pussy for losing the election. And for that, I have high hopes that this will be awesome in a very special way.

So in closing, I propose yet another drink to honor to the end of the Cyclops/Emma relationship and the sorrow of Cyclops's penis. May Marvel find new ways to fantasize about boning hot blond telepaths. Nuff said!