At this point, keeping up with all of the previews and teasers for the upcoming All New X-men series is like trying to keep up with Charlie Sheen on a cocaine bender. It's damn near impossible and somewhere along the way some hookers may end up permanently scarred. But you don't have to keep up with all the teasers, hints, spoilers, and hype Marvel is throwing behind this new series to be excited about it. Just seeing the Original Five X-men back in the present and imagining how awkward it will be for Wolverine when he has to keep it in his pants around a teenage Jean Grey makes this series more than worth knocking yourself out with heroin so you don't have to wait as long. But this past week, Marvel has gone into greater detail about what to expect with this series as if they haven't done enough to divulge the entire first issue. They did an entire liveblog about it in which Brian Michael Bendis and Nick Lowe couldn't stop soaking their panties at the prospect of writing Jean Grey again. To be fair, I've yet to walk out of a situation that involves talking about All New X-men where my panties haven't been soaked as well.
CBR: Bendis & Lowe Introduce All New X-men
There is so much potential for a series like this. It doesn't just bring Jean Grey back into the fold. It essentially takes what made Back to the Future awesome and applies to the X-men, minus the incest. It also has the potential to get back to the basics with the X-men. Since House of M, they've been less about heroics and more about being this mutant militia fighting for survival. Now I'm not going to deny that shit is pretty awesome and has made for some damn good stories, but it gets old after a while. There's only so many ways you can make a superhero team look like badasses before they become douche-bags.
And if time travel wasn't enough, Bendis and Lowe also promise a few hints beyond the overly spoiled All New X-men #1. Like who will be in a position to fuck with the Original Five more than Wolverine will fuck with Jean Grey's underwear? How about motherfucking Mystique!
Bendis also revealed who the major villain of the piece will be. "A very big, positioned antagonist is going to be Mystique," Bendis said. "She's going to be very interested in the past X-Men coming here."
So not only is one famous redhead coming back. Another is entering the picture again. Apparently, she's going to get tired of fucking Sabretooth in the pages of Uncanny X-Force and need to fuck with someone else. Given that Mystique was one of the first comic book women I've ever jerked off to, this is a wonderful revelation and I will buy Bendis a full brick of cocaine if he can make it sufficiently awesome.
He also says there are plans for the Original Five to cross paths with Hope "Jean rip-off" Summers.
There are also huge plans for Hope Summers -- Lowe referenced "Cable and X-Force," but Bendis said there might be some interaction with Jean Grey and Hope later down the line.
I've already gone into many rants about how this bitchy ripoff character needs to die a 1,000 deaths and her grave be shat upon by a 1,000 fat men with irritable bowel syndrome. So I won't go into another and just say I hope Original Five Jean Grey is prepared to telekinetically bitch slap this pathetic excuse for a mutant messiah.
There's so much to look forward to. I've already made plans for when this series is finally released and Marvel stops spoiling the first issue. I've got a bottle of lube, a few bags of blow, some candles, and a new bong. I intend to lay naked on my bed, covered in baby oil while I read the book with my Grateful Dead collection playing in the background. My balls are already wet so November 7th can't come fast enough! In the meantime, here is some of the preview art that Marvel released for All New X-men #1 and beyond.
Not sure if Kitty and Iceman are doing something important or are just trying to enjoy a little thrill sex before the Original Five hogs the spotlight. Might be a little of both.
This image was already released months ago, but this time it's in motherfucking color! I was tripping on shrooms when I saw the first preview so I didn't notice.
Wolverine has clearly detected the scent of a live Jean Grey. His penis is taking it from there!
The Original Five confront Adult Cyclops, Magneto, and a lot of visibly confused people who probably think their drinks were spiked. Whereas Wolverine's penis will probably fuck with him upon seeing Jean Grey again, I imagine many other body parts will be fucking with Cyclops when he sees his dead wife as a teenager again.
Not sure what's going on here, but I think the reason they're focusing on their heads is because they may be in the process of shitting themselves.
Once again, teenage Jean Grey is overwhelmed and teenage Cyclops tries to help her. Is it cliched? Yes. Is it still awesome? Fuck yes.
Looks like someone got way too fucking wasted last night. It looks like me after my 21st birthday. A vision of the past or a prelude of what will happen on my next trip to Tijuana? We'll have to wait and see! Nuff said!