Sunday, October 28, 2012

MORE Previews of All New X-men #1 and Beyond

At this point, keeping up with all of the previews and teasers for the upcoming All New X-men series is like trying to keep up with Charlie Sheen on a cocaine bender. It's damn near impossible and somewhere along the way some hookers may end up permanently scarred. But you don't have to keep up with all the teasers, hints, spoilers, and hype Marvel is throwing behind this new series to be excited about it. Just seeing the Original Five X-men back in the present and imagining how awkward it will be for Wolverine when he has to keep it in his pants around a teenage Jean Grey makes this series more than worth knocking yourself out with heroin so you don't have to wait as long. But this past week, Marvel has gone into greater detail about what to expect with this series as if they haven't done enough to divulge the entire first issue. They did an entire liveblog about it in which Brian Michael Bendis and Nick Lowe couldn't stop soaking their panties at the prospect of writing Jean Grey again. To be fair, I've yet to walk out of a situation that involves talking about All New X-men where my panties haven't been soaked as well.

CBR: Bendis & Lowe Introduce All New X-men

There is so much potential for a series like this. It doesn't just bring Jean Grey back into the fold. It essentially takes what made Back to the Future awesome and applies to the X-men, minus the incest. It also has the potential to get back to the basics with the X-men. Since House of M, they've been less about heroics and more about being this mutant militia fighting for survival. Now I'm not going to deny that shit is pretty awesome and has made for some damn good stories, but it gets old after a while. There's only so many ways you can make a superhero team look like badasses before they become douche-bags.

And if time travel wasn't enough, Bendis and Lowe also promise a few hints beyond the overly spoiled All New X-men #1. Like who will be in a position to fuck with the Original Five more than Wolverine will fuck with Jean Grey's underwear? How about motherfucking Mystique!

Bendis also revealed who the major villain of the piece will be. "A very big, positioned antagonist is going to be Mystique," Bendis said. "She's going to be very interested in the past X-Men coming here."

So not only is one famous redhead coming back. Another is entering the picture again. Apparently, she's going to get tired of fucking Sabretooth in the pages of Uncanny X-Force and need to fuck with someone else. Given that Mystique was one of the first comic book women I've ever jerked off to, this is a wonderful revelation and I will buy Bendis a full brick of cocaine if he can make it sufficiently awesome.

He also says there are plans for the Original Five to cross paths with Hope "Jean rip-off" Summers. 

There are also huge plans for Hope Summers -- Lowe referenced "Cable and X-Force," but Bendis said there might be some interaction with Jean Grey and Hope later down the line.

I've already gone into many rants about how this bitchy ripoff character needs to die a 1,000 deaths and her grave be shat upon by a 1,000 fat men with irritable bowel syndrome. So I won't go into another and just say I hope Original Five Jean Grey is prepared to telekinetically bitch slap this pathetic excuse for a mutant messiah.

There's so much to look forward to. I've already made plans for when this series is finally released and Marvel stops spoiling the first issue. I've got a bottle of lube, a few bags of blow, some candles, and a new bong. I intend to lay naked on my bed, covered in baby oil while I read the book with my Grateful Dead collection playing in the background. My balls are already wet so November 7th can't come fast enough! In the meantime, here is some of the preview art that Marvel released for All New X-men #1 and beyond.

Not sure if Kitty and Iceman are doing something important or are just trying to enjoy a little thrill sex before the Original Five hogs the spotlight. Might be a little of both.

This image was already released months ago, but this time it's in motherfucking color! I was tripping on shrooms when I saw the first preview so I didn't notice.

Wolverine has clearly detected the scent of a live Jean Grey. His penis is taking it from there!

The Original Five confront Adult Cyclops, Magneto, and a lot of visibly confused people who probably think their drinks were spiked. Whereas Wolverine's penis will probably fuck with him upon seeing Jean Grey again, I imagine many other body parts will be fucking with Cyclops when he sees his dead wife as a teenager again.

Not sure what's going on here, but I think the reason they're focusing on their heads is because they may be in the process of shitting themselves.

Once again, teenage Jean Grey is overwhelmed and teenage Cyclops tries to help her. Is it cliched? Yes. Is it still awesome? Fuck yes.

Looks like someone got way too fucking wasted last night. It looks like me after my 21st birthday. A vision of the past or a prelude of what will happen on my next trip to Tijuana? We'll have to wait and see! Nuff said!


  1. that page 6 came out AWESOME it's a piece of all of them linked to form one portrait. great artwork

  2. I do look forward to the O5 realising that Magneto follows Cyke and not the other way around, it will be hilarious watching their collective jaws hit the ground. Oh, and that he uses a Demon Queen as a messenger lol.

  3. I think the first page isn't Kitty and Bobby having sex, it's them realizing Emma got tired of analyzing their voyeuristic tendencies (she's a licensed sex therapist, after all), so she upped and left. Which is obviously why they're so angry at it - everybody knows Bobby has wanted to stick it to Emma since they switched bodies, especially now that their bodies look the same. And Kitty has an Electra complex with Emma, kind of like Firestar.

    1. By Joe, you may be onto something! How could Emma resist probing Kitty's new squeeze, especially when she once swapped minds with Iceman? At some point, she has to torment her. She just wouldn't be Emma Frost if she didn't. Too bad she's going to be busted out. I miss her and Kitty's cat fights.


    2. No worries there. From according to CBR based on an interview with Peter David (
      David mentioned a scene in his "Astonishing X-Men" story where Kitty Pryde is agonizing with what he described as "Jewish guilt" over whether to accept Emma Frost's offer to teach at Xavier's mutant school. She resolves to annoy Frost by calling at 3 AM to accept the offer, only to have the phone answered on the other end with Frost saying, "I’ve been expecting your call," much to Kitty's frustration

  4. Facebook Gal:

    So Jean is back? And in other news, Wolverine has developed what appears to be a shortened third leg as a secondary mutation.

    Sorry. Had to say it.

  5. African comic book readerOctober 31, 2012 at 8:46 AM least we are finally getting back to what made the X-men great. A more sci-fi-centric focused story laced with all the alternate timeline shenanigans. Cyclops is more interesting than he has been in years, and Jean gets a chance to be relevant without any stupid clone knock offs. The only one of the original 5 I am not happy to see will be the original Warren. It took years to make him awesome, why crap on that with some cross time fuckery?

    Now if only they could return Bishop to his heroic ways and get him together with Storm. Luke Cage and Jessica Jones are already Marvel's ubiquitous mixed race couple. Storm needs to be on the arm of a brother or just hook up with hot female.

    1. Let's not ask for too much, shall we? There's a lot of potential here, but there are still some loose ends that could become a lot looser. There's a concern that Bendis may use the O5 to effectively One More Day the Cyclops/Jean relationship and the release of Emma Frost could mean that Bendis is just going to keep the Cyclops/Emma bullshit relationship going. I sincerely hope they're slightly more creative than that, but I'll believe that shit when I see it.