MORE Previews of All New X-men #1 and Beyond

At this point, keeping up with all of the previews and teasers for the upcoming All New X-men series is like trying to keep up with Charlie Sheen on a cocaine bender. It's damn near impossible and somewhere along the way some hookers may end up permanently scarred. But you don't have to keep up with all the teasers, hints, spoilers, and hype Marvel is throwing behind this new series to be excited about it. Just seeing the Original Five X-men back in the present and imagining how awkward it will be for Wolverine when he has to keep it in his pants around a teenage Jean Grey makes this series more than worth knocking yourself out with heroin so you don't have to wait as long. But this past week, Marvel has gone into greater detail about what to expect with this series as if they haven't done enough to divulge the entire first issue. They did an entire liveblog about it in which Brian Michael Bendis and Nick Lowe couldn't stop soaking their panties at the prospect of writing Jean Grey again. To be fair, I've yet to walk out of a situation that involves talking about All New X-men where my panties haven't been soaked as well.

CBR: Bendis & Lowe Introduce All New X-men

There is so much potential for a series like this. It doesn't just bring Jean Grey back into the fold. It essentially takes what made Back to the Future awesome and applies to the X-men, minus the incest. It also has the potential to get back to the basics with the X-men. Since House of M, they've been less about heroics and more about being this mutant militia fighting for survival. Now I'm not going to deny that shit is pretty awesome and has made for some damn good stories, but it gets old after a while. There's only so many ways you can make a superhero team look like badasses before they become douche-bags.

And if time travel wasn't enough, Bendis and Lowe also promise a few hints beyond the overly spoiled All New X-men #1. Like who will be in a position to fuck with the Original Five more than Wolverine will fuck with Jean Grey's underwear? How about motherfucking Mystique!

Bendis also revealed who the major villain of the piece will be. "A very big, positioned antagonist is going to be Mystique," Bendis said. "She's going to be very interested in the past X-Men coming here."

So not only is one famous redhead coming back. Another is entering the picture again. Apparently, she's going to get tired of fucking Sabretooth in the pages of Uncanny X-Force and need to fuck with someone else. Given that Mystique was one of the first comic book women I've ever jerked off to, this is a wonderful revelation and I will buy Bendis a full brick of cocaine if he can make it sufficiently awesome.

He also says there are plans for the Original Five to cross paths with Hope "Jean rip-off" Summers. 

There are also huge plans for Hope Summers -- Lowe referenced "Cable and X-Force," but Bendis said there might be some interaction with Jean Grey and Hope later down the line.

I've already gone into many rants about how this bitchy ripoff character needs to die a 1,000 deaths and her grave be shat upon by a 1,000 fat men with irritable bowel syndrome. So I won't go into another and just say I hope Original Five Jean Grey is prepared to telekinetically bitch slap this pathetic excuse for a mutant messiah.

There's so much to look forward to. I've already made plans for when this series is finally released and Marvel stops spoiling the first issue. I've got a bottle of lube, a few bags of blow, some candles, and a new bong. I intend to lay naked on my bed, covered in baby oil while I read the book with my Grateful Dead collection playing in the background. My balls are already wet so November 7th can't come fast enough! In the meantime, here is some of the preview art that Marvel released for All New X-men #1 and beyond.

Not sure if Kitty and Iceman are doing something important or are just trying to enjoy a little thrill sex before the Original Five hogs the spotlight. Might be a little of both.

This image was already released months ago, but this time it's in motherfucking color! I was tripping on shrooms when I saw the first preview so I didn't notice.

Wolverine has clearly detected the scent of a live Jean Grey. His penis is taking it from there!

The Original Five confront Adult Cyclops, Magneto, and a lot of visibly confused people who probably think their drinks were spiked. Whereas Wolverine's penis will probably fuck with him upon seeing Jean Grey again, I imagine many other body parts will be fucking with Cyclops when he sees his dead wife as a teenager again.

Not sure what's going on here, but I think the reason they're focusing on their heads is because they may be in the process of shitting themselves.

Once again, teenage Jean Grey is overwhelmed and teenage Cyclops tries to help her. Is it cliched? Yes. Is it still awesome? Fuck yes.

Looks like someone got way too fucking wasted last night. It looks like me after my 21st birthday. A vision of the past or a prelude of what will happen on my next trip to Tijuana? We'll have to wait and see! Nuff said!

MORE All New X-men #1 Preview Pages (And Cyclops Kicking Ass)

Just when I think Marvel has done enough to spoil a comic, they find new ways to get away with it. It's not enough that they like to leak spoilers for big issues to mainstream media the day before the issue hits. On some levels I applaud their foresight because someone at that company is smart enough to tell his boss, "Fuck it. This shit will be all over the internet anyways. Why not exploit the living hell out of it?" Well like that hooker I picked up at an S&M club last week, I say exploit me motherfuckers!

I've done a series of blog posts recently on the various pages of All New X-men #1 that Marvel has spoon fed the web. The first time was basically a glorified teaser, which is not too outrageous for a comic company to do. The second time took it a step further, spoiling the whole fucking ending. You would think by now that All New X-men #1 is more spoiled than a tun sandwich left in a locked car for three days in Phoenix, Arizona. Well what's a little food poisoning and violent diarrhea at this point? This past week, Marvel has spoiled yet more panels that spoil way more than the ending.

The biggest revelation, which is probably the least surprising revelation since Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to banging Bridget Nielson when it was still something to brag about, is that Cyclops apparently got paroled from prison. And Emma Frost also managed to suck enough dicks to get pardoned. So they're free, they're hanging out with Magneto, and making it clear that the Avengers and the X-men that joined them can go fuck themselves.

And if the message wasn't clear enough, Cyclops gives them the finger in a very creative X-men style way.

It may be a cheap spoiler, but it is a major spoiler in the sense that we know how the shit unfolding in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences ends. Cyclops doesn't just break out of jail. He jumps right back into action and doesn't give a sliver of a fuck that he's still a fugitive. It's the kind of badass usually reserved for Wolverine, but Wolverine's badassery has been since replaced by douche-baggery as was so eloquently described in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2. So not only was Cyclops right, but he's also brazen enough to bust out of jail and continue fucking with the Avengers. Excuse me. I just teared up a little.

But as nice as it is to see Cyclops and what's left of the Extinction Team kicking around, it does raise some additional and possibly distressing questions. Namely, what the fuck is Cyclops doing that has the rest of the X-men thinking his younger self would be so disgusted? In the previews, it looks like he's saving mutants and/or throwing himself into anti-mutant rights to bust some heads. How is that shit against anything Xavier taught him? Is it because he's doing it with Magneto, a former stripper, and a teenage girl who was possessed by a demon? Fuck, why would anyone be disgusted by that. Hell, that just shows a commitment to teaching former villains to kick ass!

Another issue that hasn't been addressed is the Cyclops/Emma relationship. I've bitched about it a lot on this blog and made no bones about it. After the events of Avengers vs. X-men, these two should at the very least should take a break from making pornos. When Emma tried to convince Cyclops to burn the world to a crisp and when Cyclops ditched Emma to find Hope, that's shit that even Dr. Phil would say is unhealthy. Now Marvel has yet to clear up whether their relationship is over or if they're just going to sweep everything under the rug like they always do so they can keep pretending that these two somehow share a love that's deeper than your typical porno. But if these two are still together after the sheer recklessness with which they've handled them lately, it'll only prove that the writers at Marvel have stopped giving a damn.

I'm trying to be optimistic. Seeing Cyclops out of jail and giving the finger to the Marvel universe that screwed him over is more than enough to warrant buying multiple copies of this comic. We already know the Original Five are going to clash with their modern counterparts. This just promises to make that clash all the more awesome. Nuff said!

All New X-men #1 Minor/Major Spoilers

Last year it was reported that a few scientists with way too much free time on their hands studied the effects of spoilers on movies and books. Much to the surprise of fanboys who love to bitch and moan on message boards, it was discovered that spoilers didn't ruin the story and may in fact actually enhance enjoyment. I believe they likened it to revealing to someone that they were going to fuck a supermodel. This revelation did nothing to spoil the experience. It only makes people more excited. I'm not sure if those were the researchers' exact words, but I would be shocked if it wasn't much different.

I say this because Marvel appears to have read that study. Or at least Brian Michael Bendis has because recently, he leaked some very spoileriffic scans of All New X-men #1, which isn't slated for release until November. It wasn't the result of the fine folks at 4chan hacking the scans out of Marvel's secret database, which is probably located in a lair the Red Skull would kill for. It was as intentional as me getting drunk at a kegger. I've already done a few posts on panels that have been purposefully leaked. So I might as well share them with the fine folks that enable my drinking problems. But be forewarned that the scans are somewhat low quality. I couldn't find better ones so don't get pissed at me. There's only so much a drunk with a blog can do.

First scan with O5 Beast being a douche-bag.

Second scan with O5 Beast being an even bigger douchebag.

Third scan with modern Beast being a douchebag. Anybody else noticing a trend?

Fourth scan of Beast revealing to O5 Cyclops that his future self will be the kind of raging douchebag that will incur mass genocide against mutants. That or Beast is just trying to be an even bigger douche. It's hard to tell.

So even though I intended to get drunk and review this issue when it came out, we already know how the final page ends. There will be no shocks. No surprises. No assholes ripping the brains out of skulls and holding them up as if they came from Mila Kunnis's snatch. It just sets the stage for the Original Five X-men to return to the present. Their reason for doing so is simple. Cyclops won't listen to anyone who doesn't have DDD cup breasts and isn't named Emma Frost. So maybe he'll listen to his younger self. It's not groundbreaking, nor is it mindblowing. But fuck, it's still awesome.

It still leaves a number of unanswered questions. Like why the fuck does Beast think Cyclops is going to cause mass genocide? Does he do it from prison or does he bust out and decide the world is shit for not embracing the chance at a worldwide utopia? Or is this just another case of Beast and everyone else in the Marvel universe thinking that Cyclops is a douche-bag for trying to actually make the world a better place with his powers. It's hard to tell and chances are it'll give me plenty of things to rant about after a night of heavy drinking. I'm looking forward to it and I hope rest of my fine readers are as well! Nuff said!

All New X-men #1 Preview: More Promise and More Bullshit

A while back, I did a post on some previews for All New X-men #1 that had been recently released by Marvel. Not content to merely offer fans a whiff of the shit they have planned, a few more panels have been released. I meant to post them sooner, but I wasn't sure how much more Marvel was going to post. That and I may have gotten drunk again. Okay, so maybe one was more a factor than the other. But the fine folks at Newsarma have compiled all the images released thus far and the scripts. I'll leave it to my wonderful readers how much it soaks their panties.

Page 16-17:

4- Iceman is next to Hank, who leans on the blackbird.  Trying to disguise [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]... And says it.

ICEMAN
The thing is Ororo, I've known Scott longer than ANYONE.

Me AND Hank.

We've known him forever.  We were the ORIGINAL X-Men.

The Scott we grew up with - he would HATE this.

Page 15:

5- Ororo is angry and the sky behind her is dark purple wind and lightening.  The wind is insane.

ORORO

I KNOW!!

I know, Kitty.

But a fight like this will end in half the mutants dead and half the world hating us.

All we’ve been doing here will have been for nothing.

All New X-men #1 Preview: Promise and Bullshit

Because I'm drunk and I'll probably end up writing about this topic in many a drunken rants, I might as well post some news and updates on this topic. I'm talking about All New X-men #1. I've already done posts on the covers that were recently released. Now Marvel has been releasing a few pages of All New X-men #1 along with some script. Is it going to make you shit your pants? Probably not. But it poses some interesting questions for which fans on message boards will bitch about.

ALL-NEW X-MEN #1
Page 2-3
1- Ext. Jean Grey School for Higher Learning- day
Wide shot of the mansion from the front gate looking in.
It is a gorgeous day and it’s a calm day at the mansion.
Reads: the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning
THE BEAST
JOURNAL
I am mutating.    
And it is [REDACTED]. 

Page 16-17:
4- Iceman is next to Hank, who leans on the blackbird.  Trying to disguise [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]... And says it.
ICEMAN
The thing is Ororo, I've known Scott longer than ANYONE.
Me AND Hank.
We've known him forever.  We were the ORIGINAL X-Men.
The Scott we grew up with - he would HATE this.


So the X-men think Cyclops's younger self would be appalled that he tried to create a worldwide utopia and was constantly attacked until he went crazy. Really? And Beast is mutating yet again. Really? I'm cynical yet intrigued. Avengers vs. X-men can't end fast enough.