Sunday, October 14, 2012

All New X-men #1 Minor/Major Spoilers

Last year it was reported that a few scientists with way too much free time on their hands studied the effects of spoilers on movies and books. Much to the surprise of fanboys who love to bitch and moan on message boards, it was discovered that spoilers didn't ruin the story and may in fact actually enhance enjoyment. I believe they likened it to revealing to someone that they were going to fuck a supermodel. This revelation did nothing to spoil the experience. It only makes people more excited. I'm not sure if those were the researchers' exact words, but I would be shocked if it wasn't much different.

I say this because Marvel appears to have read that study. Or at least Brian Michael Bendis has because recently, he leaked some very spoileriffic scans of All New X-men #1, which isn't slated for release until November. It wasn't the result of the fine folks at 4chan hacking the scans out of Marvel's secret database, which is probably located in a lair the Red Skull would kill for. It was as intentional as me getting drunk at a kegger. I've already done a few posts on panels that have been purposefully leaked. So I might as well share them with the fine folks that enable my drinking problems. But be forewarned that the scans are somewhat low quality. I couldn't find better ones so don't get pissed at me. There's only so much a drunk with a blog can do.

First scan with O5 Beast being a douche-bag.

Second scan with O5 Beast being an even bigger douchebag.

Third scan with modern Beast being a douchebag. Anybody else noticing a trend?

Fourth scan of Beast revealing to O5 Cyclops that his future self will be the kind of raging douchebag that will incur mass genocide against mutants. That or Beast is just trying to be an even bigger douche. It's hard to tell.

So even though I intended to get drunk and review this issue when it came out, we already know how the final page ends. There will be no shocks. No surprises. No assholes ripping the brains out of skulls and holding them up as if they came from Mila Kunnis's snatch. It just sets the stage for the Original Five X-men to return to the present. Their reason for doing so is simple. Cyclops won't listen to anyone who doesn't have DDD cup breasts and isn't named Emma Frost. So maybe he'll listen to his younger self. It's not groundbreaking, nor is it mindblowing. But fuck, it's still awesome.

It still leaves a number of unanswered questions. Like why the fuck does Beast think Cyclops is going to cause mass genocide? Does he do it from prison or does he bust out and decide the world is shit for not embracing the chance at a worldwide utopia? Or is this just another case of Beast and everyone else in the Marvel universe thinking that Cyclops is a douche-bag for trying to actually make the world a better place with his powers. It's hard to tell and chances are it'll give me plenty of things to rant about after a night of heavy drinking. I'm looking forward to it and I hope rest of my fine readers are as well! Nuff said!


  1. I don't really get how Scott will listen to his younger self, if anything he might mourn the loss of his innocence, tell his younger self he knows nothing, call Beast an idiot for messing with time stream, and go back to doing whatever it was he was doing.

    I am looking forward to seeing how this all turns out though

  2. Sure! I'll call Beast an idiot in addition to being a douche, but it was made clear in AvX that Cyclops wasn't going to listen to anybody. This is just desperation of the weirdest kind. But at least it brings Jean Grey back so I'm not complaining!


  3. I was thinking that Beast would inherit Xavier's gem. That would at least explain how Beast is casually tossing aside the consequences to kidnapping himself from the past. But what does that say about his dumbass? Not even a couple days and he's already creating a new timeline...

  4. So the moral of the story is Beast is a douche.

  5. Agreed! Beast is a douche. One of life's great questions has been answered!