Unforgettably Unforgotten: Fantastic Four #1

The following is my review of Fantastic Four #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

What is the Marvel universe without the Fantastic Four? That's a difficult question that many fans have had to answer since the conclusion of Secret Wars in 2015. Since then, Marvel's First Family has been absent, scattered, or a solemn combination of both. The reasons for their limited status are many and prone to speculation, ranging from bitter disputes over movie rights to simply not having a place in Marvel's ever-evolving landscape. Whatever the reason, there's one inescapable truth. The Marvel universe just isn't whole without the Fantastic Four.

Their absence is a glaring flaw in a world that was built on a foundation that Reed, Sue, Johnny, and Ben helped forge during the golden age of the Stan Lee/Jack Kirby partnership. While many other Marvel heroes have seen their star rise, the Fantastic Four only ever seem to decline. Regardless of which hot new superhero emerges or who gets an overdue overhaul, it's never a matter of whether the First Family will ascend once more. It's just a matter of time, opportunity, and vision.

With Fantastic Four #1, that moment is here. Dan Slott and Sara Pichelli are poised to reaffirm the Fantastic Four's importance to the Marvel universe. Overall, they succeed in almost every meaningful way. The most important thing they do is demonstrate how much the Richards family is still missed. It's not just Ben and Johnny who miss them, either. Many of their close associates, including Medusa, Crystal, and Luke Cage, all get a chance to say how they feel about a world without the Fantastic Four. They don't need Reed's vast vocabulary to make clear how much that world is lacking.

That sentiment starts as simple longing on Ben and Johnny's part. There's this underlying sense of solemn, but uplifting kind nostalgia. They both handle it very differently, though. Throughout the story, Ben is more resigned to the idea that Reed, Sue, and their kids are gone for good. It still hurts, but he's trying to move forward with his life. He even has a chance to make an important life decision with Alicia. From Ben's perspective, the best way to deal with the lost of his old family is to build a new one.

That's not Johnny's approach, though. In fact, he's downright offended by Ben's methods. Johnny, being the literal and figurative hot-head of the bunch, isn't inclined to move forward. He resists any inclination to just accept that the Fantastic Four are gone for good. He clings to the idea that Reed and Sue will find a way, as they often do. Considering that these two can outwit Galactus, navigate the negative zone, and resist Namor's efforts to undermine their marriage, his faith in them is not entirely misguided.

That doesn't make it any less frustrating for him, though. To some extent, Johnny's anger towards anyone who accepts that Reed, Sue, and their kids are never coming back reflects that of every other Marvel fan who misses them. It goes beyond the comics themselves. The marginalization of the Fantastic Four is hard to miss, even for those who don't follow news about mismanaged movie rights. Given their importance to the history of Marvel and the way the landscape of Marvel has unfolded without them, a little frustration is more than warranted.

It culminates in a powerful moment where Slott captures that feeling perfectly through Johnny. Rather than celebrate the progress Ben makes in his personal life, he lashes out at the stars where he and the First Family got their powers. He says what so many others have thought, felt, and articulated in fan mail. Reed Richards is one of the smartest beings in the Marvel universe. No secret war, incursion, or Disney lawyer can keep him and the Fantastic Four apart. He shouldn't need a reminder, but Johnny gives him one anyways.

He does it in a way that almost makes you want to shout with him. This isn't just another superhero team that can form, dissolve, and join a super-powered civil war within the same week. The Fantastic Four are a family. No matter how many planet eaters there are, family finds one another. That's something that no Avenger, X-men, or Champion can match. In the end, both Johnny and those who share his frustration get a welcome and overdue answer. It's both a sign and a gesture of reassurance. The Richards family is coming home. The Fantastic Four will be whole once more.

That sentiment, built around the affirmation that the First Family is coming together again, is Slott and Pichelli's most important achievement with Fantastic Four #1. This isn't just a team reforming after a dramatic schism. This is a family finding itself after being torn apart by forces that literally ripped apart the multiverse. Regardless of how much or how little you missed the Fantastic Four during their prolonged absence, it's easy to appreciate that longing these characters feel to be whole once more.

Slott and Pichelli evoke the right emotions throughout Fantastic Four #1, but the story isn't without shortcomings. As a whole, it comes off as more of a prelude rather than the first issue of a larger story. Even though Reed and Sue make an appearance, there are times when the story feels more like a movie trailer than the start of a new chapter for the First Family. The inclusion of a flashback sequence didn't seem to contribute much to the plot, either.

That doesn't make the emotional weight of Fantastic Four #1 any less impactful. It still sends the message that Fantastic Four fans have been waiting to hear for years. The First Family of the Marvel universe is coming back and they've been sorely missed. While they probably won't solve every lingering problem with superhero civil wars and pushes for diversity, they'll still be together. For any family, that's the most important part of any challenge.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Half-Fantastic and Full Heart: Marvel Two-In-One #1

The following is my review of Marvel Two-In-One #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Like most ordinary people, every superhero has bad days. Some of those bad days are worse than others. Some of those bad days make for iconic stories, as well. Events like The Phoenix Saga, Secret Wars, Civil War, and House of M often start with a particularly bad day that spirals out of control, sometimes leading to retcons, wars, and clone armies. Short of being trapped in a cage with Deadpool and an unlimited supply of tacos, a bad day for a superhero often becomes the cornerstone for a major upheaval in Marvel's over-arching mythos.

While every major superhero and their assorted teams have bad days, few have had more or worse days than the members of the Fantastic Four. No matter how much Peter Parker complains about not catching a break or how much the X-men complain about people hating mutants, they can't deny that the Fantastic Four have it much worse.

It's not just that they've been victimized by horrible movies, so much so that Pixar's The Incredibles is often cited as the best Fantastic Four movie. Despite being Marvel's first family and one of the most pivotal creations of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, the influence and prestige of the Fantastic Four has never been lower.

The events of Secret Wars effectively shoved a wedge the size of an entire multiverse between the team. Reed, Sue, and their children are no longer playing an active role in the Marvel universe. Ben and Johnny, conversely, find themselves relegated to weak supporting roles in books like Inhumans and Guardians of the Galaxy. Their struggles are often a punchline within Marvel, but Chip Zdarsky and Jim Cheung look to get serious with what remains of the Fantastic Four in Marvel Two-In-One #1. While Marvel's first family may still be split, Ben and Johnny keep the spirit alive in a story that's as compelling as it is heart-felt.

This is one of those stories that reflects a particular sentiment at a particular time in the history of a franchise. It's not unreasonable to say that, in wake of the failure of Josh Trank's Fantastic Four movie and the subsequent cancellation of the Fantastic Four comics in 2015, these are the darkest of times for Marvel's first family. Reed, Sue, and their children are gone. The Baxter Building is gone. On top of all that, Dr. Doom isn't even acting like Dr. Doom anymore. It's as though everything that makes the Fantastic Four endearing has been lost.

Marvel Two-In-One #1 acts as the first beacon of light within the darkness that has shrouded Fantastic Four for years. The first family is still not whole, but Zdarsky and Cheung make it a point to show that the heart and soul of the Fantastic Four is still there. Not only that, they make the case that there's still a place for them in the Marvel universe and by nearly every measure, they make that case well.

The foundation of the story is basically the remnants of the first family being at rock bottom. Neither is in a particularly good place with Johnny being especially broken. Ben, true to his rocky nature, acts as the last remaining anchor of the team. He carries himself as the only one with the strength and fortitude to carry on the legacy that the Richards family left behind. He doesn't have much to begin with, but he gains a lot over the course of the story.

What he gains and how he gains it doesn't feel cheap or contrived. In fact, it makes for one of the most heart-felt moments the Fantastic Four have had since the events of Secret Wars. Zdarsky and Cheung don't discount the events that tore the first family apart, nor do they make light of just how much those events hurt Johnny and Ben.

Part of what makes the Fantastic Four so compelling is that they're not just heroes. They're family. When one of them is lost or gone, it hurts. That pain in Marvel Two-In-One #1 is undeniable. By the end, though, there's a sense that the time for healing has arrived. Even though the memories of bad movie adaptations still linger, the darkest hours of the Fantastic Four are behind them. Now, they're ready to move forward.

Moving forward, however, still means confronting the less-than-ideal situation in the present. That involves Johnny revealing a distressing secret about his powers and Ben having a productive, but messy conversation with Dr. Doom. It's dramatic and overdue, but the fact they're finally confronting the situation is probably the biggest sign of progress that Marvel Two-In-One #1 can have. Overdue or not, it's still refreshing.

More than anything else, Marvel Two-In-One #1 is a clear, yet poignant reminder of what the Fantastic Four stand for. They're not just a family with superpowers. They're not just heroes either. They look beyond the horizon and dare to go farther. They seek to explore, learn, and grow together. That's how they often end up encountering beings who ride cosmic surf boards, giant world-eating beings, and shape-shifting aliens. The heroics are often secondary, but still just as important.

There's a lot to be said about the current state of the Fantastic Four, how they got there, and why they've struggled to remain relevant at a time when every superhero seems to reinvent/reboot themselves every other week. There are still plenty of ongoing issues with that state that can't be easily resolved over the course of a single issue, let alone several. However, Zdarsky and Cheung take the biggest, and arguably most important, step in that process.

Marvel Two-In-One #1 is one of those books that will give a certain segment of fans a genuine emotional uplift. It's as though someone finally comes to their front door, gives them a reassuring hug, and lets them know they haven't forgotten about the Fantastic Four and everything they stand for. It may have taken a while. It may not undo all the damage that the first family have suffered over the past several years. It's still a first step, but one that feels like a giant leap in the right direction.


Final Score: 9 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #12 - Innuendo and Awesome

Sex. Now that I have your attention I'm ready to begin my review of yet another issue of Uncanny X-men. Now I didn't just say sex to get your attention. I may have said it because I just finished watching three hours of anime porn and my dick is still hard or maybe I'm trying to set the tone for what this issue has in store. Or maybe I'm just a little drunk. Well, I'll leave it to you the reader to figure that out and save the rest for my parole officer. My point is that comics are full of sexy, ridiculously proportioned men and women. Why not celebrate it every now and then? When you have a great writer like Kieron Gillen and an artist like Greg Land who probably uses porn stars as tracing material, you're bound to do a little titillating and make some 13-year-old boys that haven't gotten around porn filters on their computers yet very happy.

You may think that there isn't much time for wanking and hanking in the pages of Uncanny X-men and you would have a valid point. Uncanny X-men is in the midst of Avengers vs. X-men and who has time to get their freak on when two superhero teams are mashing it up? Sure, beautiful women can get into those sexy uniforms with ease, but getting out of them to do a little boinking is just too much. But like every tie-in linked to Avengers vs. X-men, Uncanny X-men has it's own style and it's own theme. So far the tie-ins for Avengers vs. X-men have been above average. Most tie-ins are hit or miss with more misses than hits. Marvel seems to be getting it right this time and Uncanny X-men is one of those titles they probably don't want to fuck up.

Uncanny X-men #11 was the first tie-in and it didn't try to use sex to sell the story. It was essentially an extended recap, covering the points of view of several characters as we relived the events of Avengers vs. X-men #1 and #2. It's about as gripping as it sounds, but it did offer some intriguing new insight. However, it didn't really move the story forward in the context of the overall struggle between the Avengers and the X-men. Uncanny X-men #12 is poised to take a different approach and hopefully one that doesn't just act as an extended reminder. This is the 21st century. We have apps for that shit.

Uncanny X-men #12 picks up shortly after Avengers vs. X-men #3. It catches up with Cyclops and the team of X-men that slipped out of the Avengers grasp courtesy of a little trick from Magik. They've since surmised that Hope may be in the Savage Land, Tabula Rasa, Latveria, Wakanda, or Wundagore. Since the Avengers have sent teams to each location, the X-men are obligated to do the same less their collective dicks not measure up. Namor leads a team consisting of Sunspot and Hepzibah, two characters that have been in the pages of Uncanny as many times as my Aunt Pumpkin O'bigtits. It seems like a random team, but Kieron Gillen has fun with it by showing that Hepzibah clearly didn't get laid enough while she wasn't a major character because she hits on Namor from the get go. To be fair, he's a fucking king with the body of an Olympian. He is to women what Pamela Anderson is to men, minus the silicone.

Their chosen battleground, Tabula Rasa, should be familiar to anyone who has been reading Uncanny X-men for the past few months. Unless of course you smoked more weed than me, then you're lucky if you remember how to wipe after taking a shit, but I'll assume your dealer isn't that stupid. The X-men have been to Tabula Rasa, but the Avengers have not. So when Luke Cage, She-Hulk, and Thing show up they might as well be a transvestite hooker in Pat Robertson's church. They find out that the landscape is not very forgiving and while it may make for a good post card, it's like those berries you end up eating while stoned. They turn your insides to molten magma and give you diarrhea for the next three days. So they're already at a disadvantage.

This would be difficult enough, but for the reader it's a point of confusion. I'm not talking about the unforgiving landscape of Tabula Rasa. I'm talking about She-Hulk's presence. Now I understand why the Avengers would want a super strong woman with green skin that looks great in skin tight outfits on an unforgiving landscape like Tabula Rasa, but she was already playing a major role in the pages of X-men Legacy by making Rogue sexier with green skin. Now maybe this comic takes place sometime before or after the events of that comic, but it isn't very clear or very logical. I know tie-ins sometimes result in the writers or publishers just saying "fuck it, let's show heroes beating each other up" it's still one of those little things that make's it look like Marvel isn't trying as hard as they need to.

Inconsistencies aside, the Avengers quickly find out that the so-called intelligence they're relying on to find Hope is about as reliable as stock tips from Bernie Madoff. They make their way to a nearby cave and as anyone who has read more than two comics will tell you, caves in comics either contain unparalleled treasures or a horrific monster or both. Let's jut say that when Thing comes out of the cave, his net worth is the same. Tabula Rasa hasn't become any less forgiving since the last time Kieron Gillen and Greg Land visited it and many fans will probably appreciate that.

Unlike the Avengers, Namor's X-men team has it much easier. During the X-men's last trip to Tabula Rasa, Namor couldn't keep it in his pants and ended up fucking an alien underseas queen that looked like an overgrown tapeworm. Say what you will about Namor's inability to stop himself from humping anything that has a fuckable hole, but he knows how to make an impression on a woman or woman-like creature. That queen was nice enough to escort Namor's team through Tabula Rasa. It's the least she could do for getting freaky with a king. Hepzibah is even lurid enough to ask for details. She can't speak the language, but she can probably assume that whatever this creature considers multiple orgasms was a significant factor.

This time it's the X-men that get the drop on the Avengers. Namor lands the first blow, hitting Luke Cage and going right for Thing since their little scuffle during Avengers vs. X-men #2 didn't exactly go his way. The battle plays out with varying degrees of action, but the main factor here is the effectiveness of home field advantage. The X-men know this territory and it shows. They clearly seem to have the edge, but the Avengers do put up an admirable fight. Sunspot certainly shows his youth in his inability to hold up against She-Hulk and Thing. Hepzibah shows she may have skills with her guns (and I'm not referring to her boobs), but that only goes so far against three Avengers with bullet-proof skin. If she's trying to get into Namor's pants, she might have to plan on getting fresh batteries for her vibrator.

Despite some of these setbacks, Namor shows that he's still a freakin' king and he knows how to fight dirty. He goes so far as to grab Luke Cage and use him as a bat to knock around She-Hulk. I'm a bit surprised that he didn't offer to make She-Hulk die of multiple orgasms, but I guess he's not turned on by a woman that isn't a tapeworm queen or has blonde hair and big tits. Luke Cage and She-Hulk are definitely roughed up and it's a pretty satisfying way to see them defeated. Namor hasn't had a chance to shine in a way that doesn't involve making Emma Frost's panties wet, but this definitely helps.

He then turns his attention to Thing, the everloving asshole that was able to get the better of him back during the early parts of the Avengers vs. X-men brawl. This battle is much more thorough. They lay into each other like a drunk Ohio State alum against an equally drunk Michigan alum after a football game. As they're going at it, they're being watched by another familiar face from Uncanny X-men. His/her name is Apex, the lovable yet twisted creature that is the last of his kind in Tabula Rasa. He shows that despite having too much free time and no females to hump, he finds ways to get aroused. He actually goes so far as to stop Thing and Namor so he can get a better seat. He thinks this is a mating ritual for humans and as creepy as that sounds, he's still as lovable as he is perverted.

Now do you see why I opened this review with jokes about sex? First we had Hepzibah looking to jump Namor's bone. Then we have Apex trying to study the mating rituals of superhumans. Even though this is a serious tie-in that shows the Avengers and X-men fighting over who will possess Hope, there's still some room for dirty humor. Leave it to Kieron Gillen to make readers think superheroes fighting counts as foreplay. But in this day and age when you can get a boner from damn near anything, it's not as ridiculous as it sounds.

Before the battle ends with more awkwardness, Magik shows up to teleport Namor's team away. At this point the timeline catches up with the events in Avengers vs. X-men #4 where the X-men found out where Hope is going. That means Cyclops is recalling the Extinction team so they can take a quick trip to the moon. If you read Avengers vs. X-men #4, you know how that shit ends. For Uncanny X-men #12, it represents a nice ending that fits the events of the Avengers vs. X-men mythos into a much more complete picture. While some details may have been messed up and laced with sexual humor, it still feels satisfying and enjoyable in the end.

I once tried on a pair of nearly seamless underwear. My balls thanked me and my penis smiled. That's because a seamless piece of work is to be celebrated. Avengers vs. X-men is a big motherfucking event and it's full of a shit ton of tie-ins. They don't have to fit together perfectly. They just have to fit together. Yet Marvel has found a way to make it as close to perfect as possible without making my penis smile again. I say it's close because there are still some inconsistencies, but in the end it does succeed in doing what a tie-in issue is supposed to do. It tied in the events conveyed in this issue to the events that would later play out in Avengers vs. X-men #4. I know that may not sound like much. Hell, it sounds like wondering what the movie "Snakes on a Plane" is about. But it's remarkable how few comics get that shit right so that makes Uncanny X-men #12 special.

It's not without some concerns. The presence of She-Hulk on Tabula Rasa after her presence was such a big spectacle in X-men Legacy is confusing and a little fucked up. So is Hepzibah's sudden appearance after being MIA so so fucking long. Someone like Sunspot is acceptable given his role in other comics like New Mutants, but Hepzibah? How she entered the fray would have made for a nice aside, but she just happened to be in a position to get her panties wet around Namor. I'm all for throwing in a hot alien chick, but a little explanation here and there goes a long ways. But I guess that's just me.

Uncanny X-men #12 is still solid all the way through. It doesn't just recap shit like the last issue did. It actually takes one of the many battles currently unfolding in the Avengers vs. X-men conflict and expands on it. Moreover, it takes events from recent issues of Uncanny X-men and incorporates them into the conflict. Throwing in a little sexual innuendo along with some dirty jokes also really helps and Kieron Gillen's mastery of dialog is just icing on the crack of a strippers ass. I give Uncanny X-men #10 a 4.5 out of 5. Tie-ins are pretty erratic, not unlike Charlie Sheen when he hasn't had his daily helping of cocaine and hookers. Avengers vs. X-men is actually bringing some consistency into the mix. It feels like it should've been done long ago, like withdrawing from Iraq. At least this time we didn't have to elect a Black President to do it. Thank you for saving us the campaign ads, Marvel! Nuff said.

Fear Itself #5 - Big Brawls of Awesome

There's an old saying about big comic events. The bigger they are the easier they are to bash. Okay, it's not old. I just pulled it out of my ass while high. That doesn't mean it's wrong though. Whenever Marvel, DC, or anybody who pays a metric fuck-ton of money to marketing firms to hype up a product, it raises expectations so high that the flaws stand out like Snooki in an abstinence convention. You have to have balls of vibranium to hype up an event like Fear Itself, putting that big target on your ass and daring the haters to kick it. Marvel spared no expense in saying this will be the greatest story you can read without the aid of LSD. And for the most part, it's delivered.

I don't hide from it. I was one of Matt Fraction's crazy drunken critics while he was writing Uncanny X-men. I bashed everything from his characterization to those goofy glasses he wears at comic conventions, but I'm willing to take all that and shove it up my own ass for what he's done with Fear Itself. It's the kind of event I haven't seen from Marvel in years. It's big, it's explosive, it's dramatic, it's heartfelt, and above all it's fucking awesome. It has gods fighting superheroes, family secrets fucking up lives, giant Nazi killer robots, and Tony Stark getting shit faced. It basically has all the trademarks of a great Marvel event. It hasn't been perfect. At times, it has been a little mindless and low on depth. However, the sheer scale and impact of the story has more than compensated.

The previous issue of Fear Itself dealt with the death of Bucky Barnes. It was a powerful moment, one that led Steve Rogers to dawn his old Captain America outfit and fight in the name of his fallen friend. It also had Thor returning to the battle after Odin had been a divine sized dick and threw him back to Earth while he cowered from the Serpent, who was terrorizing massive amounts of shit from every bowel on the planet with his army of hammer-wielding minions. And as I previously stated, it had Tony jump off the sobriety wagon and hit the bottle again. That's three big name Avengers stepping up, allowing their superhero balls descend, and take on the Serpent in a battle that was as epic as it was flashy. There was a lot of style and a little bit of substance. I gave that book a high score because of how it came together. Now all that style continues with Fear Itself #5. I've already swallowed many a shit from what I said about Matt Fraction. I'm ready to swallow more and I had a light lunch! So here we go!

Fear Itself #5 skips needless banter and soap-opera bullshit and gets right down to business. By that I mean Thor is going hammer to hammer with Hulk and Thing, two old buddies of his who were air mailed a couple of the Serpents Asgardian hammers and like dip-shits they picked them up. Now they're not just mindless minions of the Serpent. Their mindless minions with god-like power capable of liquifying bones with their pinkie toe. And Thor has to take them both on. Needless to say, Thor gets hammered in ways you can only get in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.

While Thor is getting the kind of hammer treatment that only MC Hammer's bankruptcy lawyers could possibly comprehend, Captain America (keep in mind this is Steve Rogers and not Bucky) is facing off against Sin. The bitch killed his best friend so he's got plenty of incentive to fuck her up. Never mind the fact that she started this shit and is responsible for the Serpent in the first place. Just for killing Bucky, Captain America has plenty or reason to take her on. He skips the speech about how she killed him. He just lets her boast like Charlie Sheen at the bank and goes right after her. It's raw, it's basic, it's a little dumbed down, but it's still awesome.

But not all action need be mindless hammer bashing and revenge killings. Tony Stark got his ass kicked a different way. He picked up a bottle of booze again and went graveling to Odin, who is still hiding away and letting Earth get fucked worse than Bankok tranny on meth. In the last issue, Tony called him out in a very memorable moment that showed Iron Man at his most vulnerable. Odin heeds his call and it's here where Fraction shows some interesting characterization.

Keep in mind that this is a god and a man of science. One uses magic. The other uses machines. The contrast here is striking and it shows in how they carry themselves. Odin scoffs at the need for tools because he has magic. Iron Man scoffs at magic because he has tools. He doesn't ask Odin for help. He doesn't even ask him for a secret weapon. He just asks to use his workshop. That's it. He'll build the shit himself. That's like a guy saying "Fuck your fancy blow-up doll! Give me some silicone, a cow heart, and a car battery and  I'll build one myself!" It's one of the most powerful moments to date for Fear Itself and it sets the stage for a big moment for Tony Stark, hopefully one where he keeps his pants on.

Whereas Tony uses his words to get a message across, Thor still uses a more direct approach. And by direct, I mean he uses a big ass hammer. I can say from experience that a hammer goes a long ways towards winning a debate with someone. For a while, Thing and Hulk get the better of him. But Thor shows that he's more than capable of wounding his friends when he summons his hammer and it goes right through Thing. I'll repeat that. The hammer goes right through Thing like a fucking blast of buckshot to the chest. I don't care how much holy mojo the Serpent shoots into your ass. That kind of shit is hard to heal from. Not content with taking down Thing, Thor goes on the offensive against Hulk. There's no "HULK SMASH" or "HULK STRONGEST THERE IS" bullshit. Thor just lets his hammer shut him up and it's quite a sight to behold.

The battle against Sin and Captain America is also quite a spectacle, but it's somewhat tapered by the fact that Sin just won't shut the hell up. She keeps boasting about how she killed Bucky and how Cap killed her father. Granted, her father was a complete asshole AND a Nazi, but that’s besides the point. Remarkably, Captain America doesn’t seem to bring up how pissed he is that Bucky is dead. In fact, he doesn’t say much either. I don’t know if that’s because Sin keeps talking over him or if he’s getting his ass kicked that much. But this is where a slight problem begins with the book. After having such great dialog with Tony and Odin, he really falls flat here. Maybe it’s because he’s written Iron Man before, but he has to know that Cap actually talks when he’s kicking ass or getting his ass kicked.

It ends up making little difference because while Sin is talking Cap’s ear off, the Serpent shows up. And he’s not a grizzled old man that looks like Christopher Walken without the makeup. He’s actually quite dashing in a way that says nothing about my sexuality. That’s the result of all that yummy fear fueling his power. I can already some phony doctor trying to patent this idea and pay a supermodel in cocaine to sell it on an infomercial. Unlike their money back guarantees, this shit actually works. The Serpent lands next to Sin, proclaims himself to having the biggest most godly balls in the world. He’s basically like Donald Trump, but with slightly more humility and much better hair.

No matter how big his godly balls may be, the rest of the Avengers (at least their second stringers) show up to help Captain America. Unlike the Bush Doctrine, they don’t expect the red, white, and blue to do all the heavy lifting and be an asshole about it. So they all move in to attack the Serpent in what promises to be another epic clash. However, it’s over rather quickly. Not because it’s poorly done or anything. It’s because…well, the Serpent is THAT fucking powerful. He calls Earth’s mightiest heroes children. So with the godly equivalent of giving them the middle finger, he unleashes the kind of power that Kim Jong Ill probably masturbates to every night.

Now this show of force is pretty fucking awesome. However, there is a problem. It doesn’t kill anybody. Now how is that a problem? Well if he’s really that powerful, why the fuck wouldn’t he just wipe out all the heroes like a competent powerful asshole? Stalin didn’t have any powers and he did a damn good job wiping out pricks that annoyed him. It’s an age old flaw that so many comic villains make, but in this case it just seems way too fucked up. Not only that, the Serpent disappears afterwards. He doesn’t even stick around to wave his dick in their face. Again, it’s an old gimmick, but one that really comes off as cheap in an event that has done such a great job of balancing such elements.

Now the issue could have gone downhill from here, but Fraction does make up for it somewhat. While the Serpent is treating the Avengers the same way Colonel Sanders treats chickens, Thor is still battling Hulk. Remember, Thor was getting his ass kicked when this issue began. Well now he’s showing that being cast out by his own father has a way of pissing him off. He doesn’t take him down subtly either. When the time comes to deliver the finishing blow, he reminds readers that he’s the motherfucking god of Thunder and the Serpent could suck it! That last part is implied by the way.

As for the heroes who just got pwned by the Serpent, they wake up from the ashes with remarkably minor injuries. Considering the explosion earlier looked like something from the Akira movie, that's grounds for calling bullshit. What they say is even more shitty. They just walk around, talking about how powerful the Serpent is and how screwed they are. There's really not much drama here. There's no heart in their words. It's quite a change from earlier when Fraction demonstrated that he could write drama into a moment with Odin and Tony Stark. So this is quite a shift and it ends the comic on a bit of a bland note. Nobody's dying. Nobody's seriously wounded. They're just standing around, musing at how fucked they are. Not a good way to end the book, but at least the beginning and middle were decent. It's like a slightly better version of the Matrix trilogy that wasn't fucked up by Keanu.

It's a pretty bleak assessment. Marvel's mightiest heroes came together in their usual Rocky IV moment only to get bitch-slapped by the Serpent's inner Ivan Drago. This issue was heavy on epic battles. Hell, that took up most of the issue. You had Thor vs. Hulk vs. Thing. You had Captain America vs. Sin. You had the Serpent vs. damn near everybody. In the end, the Serpent proved he's the pimp and everyone else are the hos. The Avengers have thrown everything they could possible throw at him and they were brushed off like Tiger Woods's clean cut image. It's a spectacle, plain and simple. It fits the whole plain and simple model that this series has demonstrated since the beginning. That's still a major part of the appeal, but this time that fragile balance between awesome and mindless is somewhat upset.

The problem is the dialog. For the most part, it was decent. Odin's conversation with Iron Man was Matt Fraction at his best. His dialog towards the end was the kind of shit you pay a drunk hobo to say in exchange for a shot of whiskey. It got pretty bland. The Serpent just showed he's got the kind of power that would make Galactus piss his cosmic underwear and the best he gets is Captain America saying "We're going to lose"? The impact is completely glossed over. The sheer weight of the Serpent's power is understated if not in the artwork then certainly within the characters. There are no memorable lines at the end. Nothing ominous is said to soak the panties for the next issue. Everything from the beginning and most of the middle was wonderfully crafted. It was the end that just fell flat and it's a disappointing shift in the momentum of this event.

While the end was pretty weak, it wasn't weak enough to bring down the whole event. I'm not saying it was so poorly done that it warrants dropping the event. If you give up on Fear Itself just because of one weak ending, then you're just being an asshole. But the lack of impact and the underwhelming sentiment of the issue makes me somewhat less excited for the next issue. I'm not foaming at the mouth, punching myself in the kidney's in anticipation for the next issue like I was early on (speaking of which, anybody in the market for a slightly worn out kidney?). I'm still excited to see where Fear Itself goes. But for this issue, I can't be as enthusiastic as I once was. So for Fear Itself #5, I give it a 3.5 out of 5. It's still above average on most levels, but the end is disappointing. It's like a good meal followed by a bad shit. One overly compensates for the other. Nuff said!

Fear Itself #3 - Unamerican Awesome

Before I begin this review, let me start by saying I'm still a high after the announcement by DC Comics. There's just something wonderful about news that some of your favorite comics are being relaunched and given day-and-date digital release. It's almost as effective as a line of blow mixed with ecstasy. The prospect of a new era in DC almost overshadows what Marvel is doing using the old publishing methods that the interweb is putting out of business. But whether it's on paper or my new iphone, awesome comics are awesome comics and Fear Itself has been pretty awesome so far.

Marvel will have to put it's fingers in it's ears and sing Lady Gaga songs if they want to stay focused on this story. It is still billed as the biggest event of the year for Marvel and so far it has delivered. In just two issues, the story is doing some far-reaching damage. It's almost like when Tiger Woods admits he's banging a new porn star, but with more explosions. The Serpent, who Odin was kind enough to bury at the bottom of a fucking ocean, is back and he's pissed. In the last issue he triggered a new wave of hammers similar to Thor's to fall from the sky. From there, others such as the Hulk, Juggernaut, and Absorbing man picked them up and became hos while Serpent became their pimp. If that weren't enough, the Red Skull's daughter, Sin, unleashed a full on attack on Washington DC using killer Nazi robots. It's as awesome as it sounds, no more no less.

The last issue was great in that it set the stage for a much bigger battle and then fired the first shots of that battle in the last few pages. Now this issue picks up from that battle, showing Captain America (the non-Steve Rogers version) leading the Avengers into battle. You might call it a bit cliched. Captain America fighting Nazi killer robots and the daughter of his greatest enemy sounds like a story that's been done before. It doesn't make the battle any less intense. There's plenty of room for terrified civilians to run around shitting their pants. That whole fear concept doesn't really seem to play out any different than it would if this story was just called Giant Nazi Robots and Pissed Off Gods. It's just what you want it to be and that's it.

The fight takes on a more personal touch with Cap (again, the non-Steve Rogers version) and Sin. They're basically legacies trying to finish what their predecessor's couldn't. Bucky has the advantage of the courage, training, and shield of Steve Rogers. However, Sin has the full power of the Serpent behind her. That's like bringing the Death Star to a knife fight. When they clash, it's not too surprising who hits harder. Bucky still fights admirably, but he might as well be fighting with a fly swatter.

While the world is getting fucked ten ways past the red light district in Amsterdam, Thor is in the slammer after he dared to question the firmness of his father's balls. The god of thunder is now the god of time-out. But he's not the only one who thinks Odin's balls have gotten too jagged for the cheap underwear he buys. Loki of all people uses one of this classic steaks-laced-with-sedative trick to knock the guards out. I used that same trick to get out of a few college exams with my professors. So I like Loki's tastes, although as the god of mischief I expect more from him. For some reason he has a problem with Odin taking a flamethrower to Earth. He probably doesn't want to lose all the people he loves to fuck with so much so he tells Thor that something has to be done and for once bullshitting him (or so it seems).

If family issues bore you more than a 7:00 am Economics class, a battle between Hulks tends to keep you awake. In the last issue, Bruce and Betty were working on their marriage and their anger issues that caused them to become raging monsters (not unlike me and my ex-girlfriend). Then Bruce became one of the Serpent's mindless minions, which is a little oxymoronic because Hulk was pretty mindless to begin with. So Red She-Hulk has to play hero for once and save people from her hubby's rampage. This is quite a change for anyone who has read her in the ongoing Hulks book where her sole desire is to have fun, look hot doing it, and force men to find creative ways to hide their boners. I've yet to discover one myself, but then I stopped hiding boners when I realized it kept me from pissing myself when I'm drunk.

Instead of channeling her inner Tanya Harding, Betty summons Tina Turner and tries to get through to Bruce. For a moment it looks like she's successful. It's a powerful moment because this is the first time someone seems to have resisted the Serpent's control. The hoes are trying to beat back the pimp. It's short lived though because the Avengers arrive and start attacking him. It's not shown how effective it is, but it shows that the Avengers can also have some piss poor timing.

This battle offers a nice variation from the beat-em-up that's been unfolding for most of the book. Betty and Bruce's relationship has been pretty rocky in the Hulk books. It's not clear when in the timeline this takes place, but then again the timeline in all comic continuity is so fucked that there are more holes than dicks to stick in them. So whenever it happens, it still offers a nice insight into Bruce and Betty's relationship. Their roles are reversed in that Betty now has to try and tame Hulk instead of obsessing over how hot she looks.

While some are trying to fight the Serpents growing army of superpowered hos, others are trying to study it. In New York City, Reed Richards and his FF (not the Fantastic Four anymore since Johnny bit the big one) are analyzing one of the unclaimed hammers. Now it's worth remembering that this guy is supposed to be one of the smartest men in the Marvel universe. He probably knows that everyone who picked up one of these hammers became a rampaging asshole. So when he suggests that Thing try and move it, it ranks right up there with the spiked dildo as the worst idea ever. The moment Thing grabs it, he joins Serpent's army. When he starts laying waste to New York City, it's hard to be surprised. I'm not saying Reed should be smarter than this, but seriously. George W. Bush would have given that plan more thought.

Thing's predicament sucks, now the victim of Reed's stupidity. Just as Thor's predicament sucks, having been a victim of Odin's douche-baggery. Having been sprung from his time out, he joins with Sif and his Asgardian buddies to figure out their next move. They all seem to agree that Odin is being a holy caliber dick. They also seem to agree that they're shit out of ideas. Before they can even brainstorm anything, Odin shows up. If they actually thought they could keep Thor's escape from the All-Father, then they might as well have shot themselves in the ass to begin with. It would have been just as productive.

Odin tries to make excuses. He uses the same tricks that child abusers, wife beaters, and OJ Simpson use. He claims that he's protecting Asgard and his children from a prophecy. He doesn't go into details, but at least he's making an effort to not be a massive tool. The Serpent genuinely scares the shit out of him and his son doesn't seem to understand that. Odin must be smart enough to realize that rationalizing with punk kids is like trying to take a shit upside down. It's bound to get messy. So when Thor refuses to stand by while Earth suffers, Odin essentially throws his hands up and casts Thor back to Earth with his hammer. It's not sure if he's just teaching him a lesson or giving up. Either way, it's putting Thor back into play.

It's another break from the action in that it highlights the family drama between Odin and Thor. In a way, Odin is in a no-win situation. He knows he can't convince Thor to see things his way. He doesn't understand and maybe he can't. So rather than fight him or punish him, he throws him back into the destruction on Earth. It could be a lesson or it could be a shitty parenting move. Either way, it's divine mix of family conflict that has helped give Fear Itself a personal touch.

Thor's return is probably necessary because pretty much everyone is getting their asses handed to them on an Asgardian platter. In Washington DC where Sin is parading around like an Asgardian hooker, she bloodied Bucky to a point where he looks like a kid who just suffered an atomic wedgie. Black Widow and Falcon try to be the voice of reason, saying that maybe evacuating and regrouping would be a good idea. That doesn't fly with Bucky. Unlike Steve Rogers, he's more balls than tactician. As far as he's concerned, retreating from Washington DC is like admitting your dick is too short. He's too proud for that.

He puts up his best fight. Against the daughter of the Red Skull armed with Asgardian mojo, he might as well be trying perform open heart surgery with a spoon. Sin is too pissed to let that old American spirit from Captain America bring her down. The constitution is no match for an Asgardian hammer. She lays into him with a light show that even Chris Angel may admire if he could stop banging Las Vegas hookers for more than ten minutes. Sin doesn't just bloody Bucky. She rips one of his fucking arms off. I'll repeat that. She rips a fucking arm off! Granted, it's a mechanical arm. It's still pretty bloody. It would be even more powerful if he put up more of a fight, but it's one of the few scenes in this issue that leaves a decent impact.

Now having your arm ripped off will definitely fuck up your day. Bucky is in bad shape. The American spirit can do a lot, but it can't heal you when you get your arm ripped off. All the democracy in the world won't take the place of a skilled ER surgeon. The only positive here is that now Bucky knows who they're dealing with. It seems like a lot of discomfort to endure just to find out who's fucking the world over. He end scene implies that he's dying. That's not too surprising given the beating he took. But then again, this isn't Steve Rogers. This is Bucky. He's been dead before and dead quite extensively. The image of him dying really doesn't hold much weight. Nor does simply knowing who they're up against. The readers already know that. It seems like there's not much point to this scene other than to show Bucky looking like someone who forgot to pay his cocaine dealer. It makes the situation a lot more dire. It's presented in an awesome way, but it's not going to blow your mind. Even snorting the ink fumes only goes so far.

It's a pretty dramatic ending. It doesn't feel quite as dramatic as it should though. Not long ago, Bucky Barnes was in the same league as Spider-Man's Uncle Ben as dead characters who would not be brought back. He was part of the anti-Jean Grey crowd. Well when he came back, it was quite a spectacle. That's part of what made it awesome. So when he gets his ass kicked and it looks like he's going to die, it doesn't hit with the same impact as one would expect. So Bucky is bloodied and battered. If he dies, well then he was dead for a long time anyways. If he doesn't, well that's okay too because he beat the odds. I'm not saying that it's a bad idea, but it does feel a little underhanded.

The other major battles don't do much in that they basically just showcase Serpents destruction. It makes for some great battle scenes, but not much progression in the story. The battle against Hulk had a nice personal touch with Betty. And having Thing become a new ho for Seprent's army of superpowered hos added yet another battle to the conflict, which is always a plus. Odin was still a dick to Thor and pretty much everyone else in Asgard. Not sure if that's a plus, but at least he's getting Thor back into the action hammer and all. Between all the hammers showing up in this story it feels like a big advertisement for MC Hammers comeback tour.

This issue had plenty of action. However, it lacked the impact of the previous issue. At the end of the last issue we saw this cloud of fear engulfing the entire world. In this issue that cloud didn't seem to do damn near anything. It looked as though the battle would have unfolded in pretty much the same way. What happened in the previous book didn't seem to affect this book all that much. Even if the fight scenes were nicely developed, their impact was limited. It's the first time in this Fear Itself story that I finished a book feeling underwhelmed. It's not bad, but I'm not grinding it up and snorting it with meth.

Fear Itself #3 continued the story, but not a whole lot. It set the stage for some interesting conflicts. It definitely makes the next issue worth picking up, but you may find yourself less excited than before. In that sense it does fall a bit short and I can't start making comparisons to boobs like I do when I'm high on a series. So for Fear Itself #3, I give it a 4 out of 5. You'll get everything you want, but nothing more. There's no bonus here. There's just a solid story that moves things along. It could be worse, but it could be a lot better as well. For an event like this the standards are a lot higher. There are still plenty of issues for Fear Itself to spray brain matter on the walls of every comic shop before DC's deal starts closing them. So for that it's still worth getting excited about. To pass the time, there's always DC's ongoing Flashpoint event. Nuff said!