Unforgettably Unforgotten: Fantastic Four #1

The following is my review of Fantastic Four #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

What is the Marvel universe without the Fantastic Four? That's a difficult question that many fans have had to answer since the conclusion of Secret Wars in 2015. Since then, Marvel's First Family has been absent, scattered, or a solemn combination of both. The reasons for their limited status are many and prone to speculation, ranging from bitter disputes over movie rights to simply not having a place in Marvel's ever-evolving landscape. Whatever the reason, there's one inescapable truth. The Marvel universe just isn't whole without the Fantastic Four.

Their absence is a glaring flaw in a world that was built on a foundation that Reed, Sue, Johnny, and Ben helped forge during the golden age of the Stan Lee/Jack Kirby partnership. While many other Marvel heroes have seen their star rise, the Fantastic Four only ever seem to decline. Regardless of which hot new superhero emerges or who gets an overdue overhaul, it's never a matter of whether the First Family will ascend once more. It's just a matter of time, opportunity, and vision.

With Fantastic Four #1, that moment is here. Dan Slott and Sara Pichelli are poised to reaffirm the Fantastic Four's importance to the Marvel universe. Overall, they succeed in almost every meaningful way. The most important thing they do is demonstrate how much the Richards family is still missed. It's not just Ben and Johnny who miss them, either. Many of their close associates, including Medusa, Crystal, and Luke Cage, all get a chance to say how they feel about a world without the Fantastic Four. They don't need Reed's vast vocabulary to make clear how much that world is lacking.

That sentiment starts as simple longing on Ben and Johnny's part. There's this underlying sense of solemn, but uplifting kind nostalgia. They both handle it very differently, though. Throughout the story, Ben is more resigned to the idea that Reed, Sue, and their kids are gone for good. It still hurts, but he's trying to move forward with his life. He even has a chance to make an important life decision with Alicia. From Ben's perspective, the best way to deal with the lost of his old family is to build a new one.

That's not Johnny's approach, though. In fact, he's downright offended by Ben's methods. Johnny, being the literal and figurative hot-head of the bunch, isn't inclined to move forward. He resists any inclination to just accept that the Fantastic Four are gone for good. He clings to the idea that Reed and Sue will find a way, as they often do. Considering that these two can outwit Galactus, navigate the negative zone, and resist Namor's efforts to undermine their marriage, his faith in them is not entirely misguided.

That doesn't make it any less frustrating for him, though. To some extent, Johnny's anger towards anyone who accepts that Reed, Sue, and their kids are never coming back reflects that of every other Marvel fan who misses them. It goes beyond the comics themselves. The marginalization of the Fantastic Four is hard to miss, even for those who don't follow news about mismanaged movie rights. Given their importance to the history of Marvel and the way the landscape of Marvel has unfolded without them, a little frustration is more than warranted.

It culminates in a powerful moment where Slott captures that feeling perfectly through Johnny. Rather than celebrate the progress Ben makes in his personal life, he lashes out at the stars where he and the First Family got their powers. He says what so many others have thought, felt, and articulated in fan mail. Reed Richards is one of the smartest beings in the Marvel universe. No secret war, incursion, or Disney lawyer can keep him and the Fantastic Four apart. He shouldn't need a reminder, but Johnny gives him one anyways.

He does it in a way that almost makes you want to shout with him. This isn't just another superhero team that can form, dissolve, and join a super-powered civil war within the same week. The Fantastic Four are a family. No matter how many planet eaters there are, family finds one another. That's something that no Avenger, X-men, or Champion can match. In the end, both Johnny and those who share his frustration get a welcome and overdue answer. It's both a sign and a gesture of reassurance. The Richards family is coming home. The Fantastic Four will be whole once more.

That sentiment, built around the affirmation that the First Family is coming together again, is Slott and Pichelli's most important achievement with Fantastic Four #1. This isn't just a team reforming after a dramatic schism. This is a family finding itself after being torn apart by forces that literally ripped apart the multiverse. Regardless of how much or how little you missed the Fantastic Four during their prolonged absence, it's easy to appreciate that longing these characters feel to be whole once more.

Slott and Pichelli evoke the right emotions throughout Fantastic Four #1, but the story isn't without shortcomings. As a whole, it comes off as more of a prelude rather than the first issue of a larger story. Even though Reed and Sue make an appearance, there are times when the story feels more like a movie trailer than the start of a new chapter for the First Family. The inclusion of a flashback sequence didn't seem to contribute much to the plot, either.

That doesn't make the emotional weight of Fantastic Four #1 any less impactful. It still sends the message that Fantastic Four fans have been waiting to hear for years. The First Family of the Marvel universe is coming back and they've been sorely missed. While they probably won't solve every lingering problem with superhero civil wars and pushes for diversity, they'll still be together. For any family, that's the most important part of any challenge.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Half-Fantastic and Full Heart: Marvel Two-In-One #1

The following is my review of Marvel Two-In-One #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Like most ordinary people, every superhero has bad days. Some of those bad days are worse than others. Some of those bad days make for iconic stories, as well. Events like The Phoenix Saga, Secret Wars, Civil War, and House of M often start with a particularly bad day that spirals out of control, sometimes leading to retcons, wars, and clone armies. Short of being trapped in a cage with Deadpool and an unlimited supply of tacos, a bad day for a superhero often becomes the cornerstone for a major upheaval in Marvel's over-arching mythos.

While every major superhero and their assorted teams have bad days, few have had more or worse days than the members of the Fantastic Four. No matter how much Peter Parker complains about not catching a break or how much the X-men complain about people hating mutants, they can't deny that the Fantastic Four have it much worse.

It's not just that they've been victimized by horrible movies, so much so that Pixar's The Incredibles is often cited as the best Fantastic Four movie. Despite being Marvel's first family and one of the most pivotal creations of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, the influence and prestige of the Fantastic Four has never been lower.

The events of Secret Wars effectively shoved a wedge the size of an entire multiverse between the team. Reed, Sue, and their children are no longer playing an active role in the Marvel universe. Ben and Johnny, conversely, find themselves relegated to weak supporting roles in books like Inhumans and Guardians of the Galaxy. Their struggles are often a punchline within Marvel, but Chip Zdarsky and Jim Cheung look to get serious with what remains of the Fantastic Four in Marvel Two-In-One #1. While Marvel's first family may still be split, Ben and Johnny keep the spirit alive in a story that's as compelling as it is heart-felt.

This is one of those stories that reflects a particular sentiment at a particular time in the history of a franchise. It's not unreasonable to say that, in wake of the failure of Josh Trank's Fantastic Four movie and the subsequent cancellation of the Fantastic Four comics in 2015, these are the darkest of times for Marvel's first family. Reed, Sue, and their children are gone. The Baxter Building is gone. On top of all that, Dr. Doom isn't even acting like Dr. Doom anymore. It's as though everything that makes the Fantastic Four endearing has been lost.

Marvel Two-In-One #1 acts as the first beacon of light within the darkness that has shrouded Fantastic Four for years. The first family is still not whole, but Zdarsky and Cheung make it a point to show that the heart and soul of the Fantastic Four is still there. Not only that, they make the case that there's still a place for them in the Marvel universe and by nearly every measure, they make that case well.

The foundation of the story is basically the remnants of the first family being at rock bottom. Neither is in a particularly good place with Johnny being especially broken. Ben, true to his rocky nature, acts as the last remaining anchor of the team. He carries himself as the only one with the strength and fortitude to carry on the legacy that the Richards family left behind. He doesn't have much to begin with, but he gains a lot over the course of the story.

What he gains and how he gains it doesn't feel cheap or contrived. In fact, it makes for one of the most heart-felt moments the Fantastic Four have had since the events of Secret Wars. Zdarsky and Cheung don't discount the events that tore the first family apart, nor do they make light of just how much those events hurt Johnny and Ben.

Part of what makes the Fantastic Four so compelling is that they're not just heroes. They're family. When one of them is lost or gone, it hurts. That pain in Marvel Two-In-One #1 is undeniable. By the end, though, there's a sense that the time for healing has arrived. Even though the memories of bad movie adaptations still linger, the darkest hours of the Fantastic Four are behind them. Now, they're ready to move forward.

Moving forward, however, still means confronting the less-than-ideal situation in the present. That involves Johnny revealing a distressing secret about his powers and Ben having a productive, but messy conversation with Dr. Doom. It's dramatic and overdue, but the fact they're finally confronting the situation is probably the biggest sign of progress that Marvel Two-In-One #1 can have. Overdue or not, it's still refreshing.

More than anything else, Marvel Two-In-One #1 is a clear, yet poignant reminder of what the Fantastic Four stand for. They're not just a family with superpowers. They're not just heroes either. They look beyond the horizon and dare to go farther. They seek to explore, learn, and grow together. That's how they often end up encountering beings who ride cosmic surf boards, giant world-eating beings, and shape-shifting aliens. The heroics are often secondary, but still just as important.

There's a lot to be said about the current state of the Fantastic Four, how they got there, and why they've struggled to remain relevant at a time when every superhero seems to reinvent/reboot themselves every other week. There are still plenty of ongoing issues with that state that can't be easily resolved over the course of a single issue, let alone several. However, Zdarsky and Cheung take the biggest, and arguably most important, step in that process.

Marvel Two-In-One #1 is one of those books that will give a certain segment of fans a genuine emotional uplift. It's as though someone finally comes to their front door, gives them a reassuring hug, and lets them know they haven't forgotten about the Fantastic Four and everything they stand for. It may have taken a while. It may not undo all the damage that the first family have suffered over the past several years. It's still a first step, but one that feels like a giant leap in the right direction.


Final Score: 9 out of 10

Role Reversing Recourse: Infamous Iron Man #7

The following is my review of Infamous Iron Man #7, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When it comes to comic book rivalries, Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom are akin to Coke vs. Pepsi. They are so bitterly opposed to one another that their conflict has shaped the world as we know it. Just as the cola wars shape our economy and the kinds of Super Bowl commercials we see, the war between Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom shapes the foundation of the Marvel universe.

Going all the way back to the of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, Reed and Doom embody two extremes. They are both brilliant minds who seek to shape a flawed world in need of guidance. Reed seeks progress through enlightenment, using the power of discovery and knowledge to unite a conflicted world. Doom seeks a more direct approach, using his natural brilliance to impose progress through force. These are not methods that can be resolved through compromise and a friendly chess game.

These two opposing views are what led to many of the iconic clashes between Dr. Doom and Mr. Fantastic. From cosmic powers to soul-stealing demons, these clashes have taken both characters in many different directions. That's why the situation that Brian Michael Bendis and Alex Maleev have created in Infamous Iron Man is so compelling. They essentially flip the script, putting Victor Von Doom on the opposite end of the spectrum. It shows how he goes about doing what Reed does, but without ever admitting he was wrong. For someone like Doom, that's pretty important.

Some aspects of the script are somewhat different. Dr. Doom, even if he is reformed and that's still a big if, isn't going to conduct himself like the thoughtful and studious Reed Richards. He's going to do things his way while ripping off Iron Man along the way. Unlike Reed, he's not above usurping someone else's brand. However different his approach might be, Infamous Iron Man #7 offers insight into the effectiveness of Doom's new Reed-like methods. By and large, the results are pretty impressive.

Dr. Doom playing the role that Tony Stark and Reed Richards once played is still an uncomfortable novelty for some. Those, such as Ben Grimm, SHIELD, and every Marvel superhero who ever existed since the Kennedy Administration, are rightly concerned about Doom's sincerity. There are so many occasions where Doom has revealed a hidden agenda that even Reed Richards couldn't surmise the breadth of his agenda.

For the villains now in Doom's cross-hairs, though, the novelty is far more distressing. These villains, which include the likes of the Hood and the Wrecking Crew, are used to dealing with a specific kind of hero. Namely, they deal with heroes who follow Reed's script, working within a set of parameters and operating by a set of principles that is fairly well-understood. With Dr. Doom, however, there is no more script and even for hardened villains, that's genuinely terrifying.

This is what makes the narrative within Infamous Iron Man #7 so uniquely compelling. It doesn't just involve Dr. Doom fighting villains in his own unique way. It explores the larger impact he's having on the greater Marvel landscape. The past few issues spent a great deal of time touching on the reactions from those are still skeptical of Doom's intentions. With villains like the Hood, there's much less skepticism and a much harsher impact.

Unlike every other hero these villains have faced, they know what Dr. Doom is capable of. They know how skilled he is. He can create world-ending technology on his lunch break and spend the afternoon taking on Mephisto. Unlike the Reed Richards of the world, though, they know he's willing to go much further than any card-carrying Avenger would ever dare. That ends up being Doom's greatest weapon and for a man with a functioning time machine in his closet, that's saying something.

It makes for a pretty lopsided battle when Doom shows up. For once, though, that battle doesn't feel bland or boring. It's very much a spectacle, akin to watching the Hulk in an arm-wrestling contest. Seeing a powerful hero take down an entire contingent of villains is nothing new. Seeing Dr. Doom be that hero is still new for many and the sheer efficiency with which he works sends a powerful message, both to the villains and Doom's former enemies.

Doom does more than just defeat a bunch of villains. He genuinely scares them. For once, they don't stand on a pedestal, laughing manically and twirling their mustache as they insult or mock the hero. They understand that this is not Reed Richards, Spider-Man, or Squirrel Girl they're fighting. This is Victor Von Doom, a man who can do things that make every one of those heroes violently ill. When someone can inspire that level of fear in villains, then that's a clear they've found a new method and it works.

Even the likes of SHIELD and Thing end up acknowledging Doom's efficacy. They're still understandably skeptical. They still debate just how much they should trust Doom's new endeavor as Iron Man. However, they clearly have it easier than the villains for once. They're still genuinely terrified, so much so that one member of the Wrecking Crew turns himself in rather than facing Doom. Even Thing's Aunt Petunia would be impressed by that.

Infamous Iron Man #7 offers a greater insight into a new narrative for Victor Von Doom, one that he handles as masterfully as anyone would expect of someone who regularly frustrated Reed Richards. It also continues the evolving narrative surrounding Doom's evolving relationship with SHIELD, Thing, and other established heroes. Bendis takes the long road, letting those relationships develop slowly and steadily. As effective as Doom is, they're still a long way from giving him his own Helicarrier.

Between the character relationships and the methods Doom utilizes, Infamous Iron Man #7 gives polish to the overall narrative. It also sets up some new challenges that will test Doom's overly-efficient methods, as well as his commitment to being a hero. While stories about heroes becoming villains is nothing new, a character like Victor Von Doom requires a certain level of refinement. For the story unfolding in Infamous Iron Man, Bendis and Maleev continue to deliver. Terrifying hardened villains is just a nice bonus.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

The Catalyst of a Genesis: Secret Wars #9

The following is my review of Secret Wars #9, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In physics, every major reaction requires a catalyst. Some require a light tap. Some require a metric ton of TNT. When it comes to re-shaping their entire comic universe, Marvel likes to ramp it up to a cosmic scale and then ramp it up a little more for good measure. Secret Wars certainly succeeded in establishing itself on this scale. But that was the easy part. Like making a cake with a nuclear bomb, the narrative got messy at times and subsequent delays didn't help.

However, the various elements that emerged on this massive scale are finally set to converge in Secret Wars #9 and the final product promises to be as succulent as all the cakes ever baked by Willy Wonka. Every issue and the tie-ins that spun out of these issues have been converging, setting the stage for a final battle that even Peter Jackson would find impressive. The main challenge is conveying the impact of such a battle without making it feel like Mythbusters rerun.

Secret Wars has had its flaws, but nobody can accuse Jonathan Hickman of not being thorough in establishing Battleworld and the god-like power of Dr. Doom. Between his attention to detail and the sheer breadth of the conflict, Hickman has channeled his inner Stanley Kubrick in crafting the perfect narrative.

So much of the narrative has been built around the scope of this world that Doom created and just as much effort was put into upsetting that order. It's been brewing in various forms through various plot-threads. Now, it all comes together in Secret Wars #9 to end Battleworld and foster the creation of a new Marvel universe. And the impact of this creation is akin to the aroma of freshly baked cookies on Christmas Eve.

Hickman dots the last of his I's and crosses the last of his T's. The big epic battles that unfolded in the previous issues set the stage for the final showdown between Dr. Doom, Reed Richards, and the few remaining characters who have survived to this point. Nothing is rushed. Nothing feels contrived. It's like pure spring water that hasn't been processed and package by a soft drink company. It's as refreshing as it sounds.

The fighting itself is visceral, but not just because of Esad Ribic's fine artwork. The drama, which has been marinating this story like a premium-quality flank steak, makes every word, every punch, and every off-hand comment by Spider-Man feel meaningful. Despite the delays, the teasers, and the trolling at various points, the impact is there and undeniably potent. It's not on the same level as the impact of seeing The Force Awakened after camping outside a theater for two weeks, but it's in the same time zone.

The primary source of that impact begins and ends with the classic clash between Dr. Doom and Reed Richards. It's one of the most famous conflicts in the history of Marvel and Secret Wars #9 adds another layer to that vast mythos. It effectively accomplishes what Tim Story and Josh Trank failed to do, despite having access to Rupert Murdock's pocketbook.

This clash, however, isn't just between two brilliant minds or two opposing philosophies. This is a conflict built around the core personalities of each character. Both are entirely convinced they're right. One of them just happens to have god-like power. That means this can't be a civil debate. It can't be something that's moderated by Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper. It has to come down to the core of both character.

It starts off lopsided. Reed comes armed only with the truth and his intellect. Dr. Doom has god-like power. That's like one side having a paper clip and the other having a nuclear bomb. But that god-like power ends up becoming a non-factor and not just because Reed subverts it. He doesn't even try to confront that power. He only tries to confront the man.

This is where the dramatic weight, along with Ribic's distinct art style, becomes the fudge icing on top of a plate of brownies. Take away the Doombots, the Fantasticars, the goofy costumes, and masks and you just have two personalities with the same goal. Both Reed Richards and Dr. Doom wanted to save a world that they knew was going to die. In their struggles, they reveal what drove them to do what they did. Neither comes off as inherently wrong, but Doom still comes off as exceedingly petty.

What makes the outcome satisfying is that neither side is humiliated or defeated. There's no scene where Dr. Doom vows horrible revenge on Reed, his family, and the next 10 generations of his descendants. Both actually manage to come out of the conflict better.

In the same mold, a renewed Marvel universe comes out of this conflict. It's not yet clear that it's completely free of incursions, retcons, and clones. But it's a world born from the clash between these two characters. It doesn't just feel like everything just snapped back to the way it was like the end of every sitcom made before 1987. This new Marvel universe feels like a beat up old Cadillac that got a much-needed makeover.

The rebirth of a new Marvel universe makes for a very satisfying conclusion, which has been the exception rather than the norm for man Marvel events. A story on the scope and scale of Secret Wars, complete with agonizing delays and multiple tie-ins, felt like one of those stories that could only ever have a forced, convoluted ending on par with the Seinfeld finale. But Hickman found a way to make it work and Ribic found a way to make it visually stunning.

In terms of accomplishments, this ranks right up there with revitalizing Robert Downy Jr.'s career as one Marvel's greatest. A year from now, nobody is going to remember the delays. Our collective attention spans barely last beyond a season of American Idol. The whole narrative of Secret Wars is now complete, polished, and worthy of its own trophy case.

Not every tie-in was satisfying. Not every character got a chance to shine. But the core narrative that culminated in Secret Wars #9 made it feel as though every character and sub-plot got a chance to contribute. Every moment carried some level of the dramatic weight. In the end, it made Secret Wars feel less like another event comic and more like a catalyst for the next stage of the Marvel mythos. The fact that it made readers feel better about forking over more of their hard-earned money to the Marvel enterprise is just a nice bonus for us and Disney's accountants.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Secret Wars #9: Nuff Said!

We don't like to admit it, but some things are actually worth the agonizing wait. Star Wars fans recently figured that out in the best possible way. The big difference with Secret Wars is that nobody is going to get shot over spoilers and Disney accountants won't be able to build castles of money from the sales. Due to all the bullshit delays that Secret Wars has endured, its ending can only have an impact comparable to prostate exam from a skilled, big-boobed nurse. If done right, it can be pretty awesome. If not, then the shit that comes out isn't going to be pretty. But even though it's several months overdue, I'm committed to reviewing Secret Wars #9 to determine whether the wait was worth it. If you're a Star Wars fan, I might suggest lowering the bar just a little.

Quick question, how do you fight a god-powered Dr. Doom? It sounds like a trick question, like how do you do the amount of blow Keith Richards does on a Saturday and survive. But it does have an answer. You use a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. That’s what Black Panther is packing and finally, it gives Doom a challenge. He can’t snap his neck like Cyclops or burn his ass to a crisp like Dr. Strange. He has to actually get off his ass and do something. I’m sure that’s a novel concept for any god.

Namor gets in on the action as well, throwing in a few punches. But seeing as how he gets his fucking head cut off after this in Squadron Supreme, it’s kind of bittersweet. At least he can die saying he banged Emma Frost and fought a god-powered Dr. Doom. A man who dies with that on his resume can die with some pride. That’s for damn sure.

But you don’t just need an Infinity Gauntlet to fuck with Dr. Doom’s perfect world. You just need to get into the head of the hot blonde he made his wife. Reed finally gets to confront Sue, who still believes Dr. Doom is her husband. She’s now insanely skeptical. To her credit, she doesn’t laugh or bust Reed’s balls with a ratchet. I tried telling a woman that I’m from a world where she wasn’t married to such a douche-bag. I got a kick in the balls and a face full of cheap beer. So no, it’s not an effective pick-up line.

Reed, being the super-genius he is, finds a way to make it work. He doesn’t immediately get Sue to call a heavenly divorce lawyer or anything. He just convinces her that this shit they call Battleworld ain’t right and he can fix that. The fact he says it with a manly fucking beard probably gives Sue enough reason to hear him out. And Reed’s balls are probably thankful.

With his balls intact, he ventures into the fucked up realm where Dr. Doom is keeping Molecule Man, also known as the source of Doom’s godly power. It’s not a pleasant place to be and Ultimate Reed doesn’t help. They come with the intention of ending Doom’s power. Ultimate Reed uses it as an opportunity for the Ultimate Universe to do one last dick move.

How fucked up is it that in a story where Dr. Doom has god-like power, Ultimate Reed is the biggest douche? It’s a testament to both his assholery and the shitty effect the Ultimate Universe has on characters. He thinks he can end his counterpart, take Molecule Man’s power for himself, and spread Ultimate Marvel’s shit to the omniverse. Molecule Man says, “Fuck that!” and turns him into a bunch of meat slices. It’s as satisfying as it sounds. It couldn’t be more satisfying if he turned his piss into vodka.

All this tampering with the source of Doom’s power is sure to get noticed at some point. It’s here where Dr. Doom realizes that as nice as god-like power is, sometimes god-like awareness is more useful. He finds out the hard way that Black Panther was just jerking him around and not in the fun way with the Infinity Gauntlet. He was just distracting him and it fucking worked. That’s right. He fucking outwitted a god-powered Doom. It’s not as impressive as Namor banging Emma Frost, but he’ll live after Secret Wars. He’ll have his chances to catch up.

After getting that cold glare from Sue, which only a hot blonde can deliver, Dr. Doom turns his godly capacity to get pissed off on Reed. And even the lawyers that work for Disney and Fox have to admit it. This is how Secret Wars had to culminate. And Molecule Man, sick of Dr. Doom’s shit, ensures this is an even fight. Dr. Doom can’t use his godly power to end it with the same ease as blocking an internet troll on Twitter. He has to do what most gods avoid doing and put some actual effort into confronting his failures. Somewhere out there, the ghost of Nietzsche is smiling.

This is the battle that everyone since Roger Corman has failed to put into a movie. It’s Reed Richards versus Dr. Doom, the Marvel equivalent of Foreman versus Ali. One is an egotistical dictator who thinks he can fix everything if only he had god like power. One is a super-genius who doesn’t need to be in order to point out how fucked up that idea is.

The clash here is epic, personal, and visceral. There’s no explosions. There’s no cute princess being held in chains. It’s just two men with decades of animosity, fighting in the most meaningful way that doesn’t involve a broken beer bottle. What makes it so satisfying is that in the end, even the god-powered Doom can’t deny it. Reed is still better than him. I don’t care how much godly power Doom has. That shit hurts him, but it makes fans like me squee like a John Oliver in a room full of kittens.

This final clash allows Molecule Man to deliver the final shot in this war, ending both Dr. Doom’s godly reign and Battleworld. He’s still the source of all the power. That means he can end this shit in ways that’ll make Michael Bay jizz his pants. In one big bang, he effectively ends Battleworld. It’s not like when Ultimate Marvel ended and it was more of a “good riddance, that shit was overdue” type feeling. This is more of a “whoa fuck, this deserve another beer!” type feeling. And for a series that has been subject to so many shitty delays, that’s saying something.

So Battleworld ends. That’s it, right? Marvel’s universe is over. They’re shutting down the comics and focusing only on movies, video games, and TV shows that rip off X-men, right? Unless you just came out of a 30-year coma, you have no excuse for being surprised when Black Panther wakes up in a new Marvel Universe. He had a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. Of course he survived.

When he wakes up, he arrives back in his home of Wakanda. The time period is unclear, but there’s no god-powered Dr. Doom in sight so something must have gone right. There’s no mud pit where Storm and Emma Frost are wrestling naked either, but nobody said it was perfect. He arrives just in time to see a vision for a new future for his people. For a guy who went toe-to-toe with Dr. Doom and survived, he’s earned it. I’m sure he still would’ve preferred that mud wrestling match between Storm and Emma, but what are you going to do?

Jump ahead another 8 months. Somewhere along the line, the entire mutant race got fucked over worse than anyone who invested in a Syrian time share scam. But also, some of the less shitty elements from Ultimate Marvel made it into this new universe. That includes, and is almost exclusive to, Miles Morales. He and Peter Parker can now rub elbows in a way that still pisses off racists on the internet, but just not as much. And since you never want to piss off racists too much, I’m going to call that a win.

But what the fuck exactly happened to create this new universe? Did Molecule Man always have the ability to just blow up Battleworld whenever he got bored with Dr. Doom’s shit? Could it really be that contrived? Given Marvel’s history, I certainly wouldn’t be shocked.

But praise Odin’s beard and Emma Frost’s tits! That’s not the case this time. We do get a pretty concise explanation for what happened, courtesy of Valeria Richards. Instead of using this power to make Dr. Doom a god-powered asshole, he channels it through Reed Richards to create entirely new universes from that power. He even is nice enough to heal Molecule Man in the process, something Dr. Doom never would’ve done unless it made Reed’s balls shrivel. They didn’t just fix the universe. They created new ones in the process. It’s like planting one seed and getting enough weed for 20 joints. It’s a beautiful thing.

It makes for a moment that’s actually happy and satisfying for the Richards family. Thanks to Josh Trank and a vendetta by Disney against anything they can’t exploit the fuck out of in their movies, the Fantastic Four haven’t had many. They’re a family again. They’re not dead. And unlike mutants, they haven’t been killed off, diseased, or sterilized. But they do have a new purpose now. Instead of just rubbing elbows with the Avengers and occasionally shitting all over the X-men, they’re just going to be a family and explore these new universes. Given all the ways they could’ve been screwed over by Secret Wars, this is the best thing they could’ve hoped for that didn’t involve puppies that shit chocolate.

But what about Dr. Doom? Did he get the divine screw-job he so rightly deserved? Nobody would shed a tear for his unholy ass if that happened. But those who picked up Invincible Iron Man already know this is not the case. In one last act that might have been an indirect middle finger from Reed, he heals Dr. Doom’s disfigured face. And he now wakes up in Latveria, looking far less menacing and much more fuckable. So in the end, everybody got a happy ending.

Except mutants. It still sucks to be a mutant, an X-man, or anything Bryan Singer and Brett Ratner have ever touched.

So...is it awesome?

Let me put it this way. That big-boobed nurse who gave that prostate exam I mentioned also had a nice ass. In another way, a simple fuck yes is appropriate. Star Wars fans might still scoff, but anyone who has endured the craptastic endings of Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men will take note. The delays, the tie-ins, and bullshit teasers that made the delays even worse became an afterthought in the end. And when you forget about that crap without the aid of a case of Jack Daniels, then that's how you know that Hickman and Ribic accomplished something here.

It's a classic clash, Dr. Doom and Reed Richards. At no point did it feel like Josh Trank and Tim Story were blowing each other behind the scenes. It's a culmination of a cosmic shit storm that might not have made all the shitty tie-ins better, but it made the end result pretty damn satisfying. The Marvel universe has been reborn and it doesn't feel like someone's grave got pissed on. Sure, the Ultimate universe died, but let's face it. That was a mercy killing at best. This new world may suck donkey balls for mutants, but the catalyst that created it in Secret Wars #9 is pretty damn awesome for all those involved.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Secret Wars #8: Nuff Said!

There aren't a lot of situations where I'm okay with delays. Whether it's my flight to Las Vegas or a traffic jam on the freeway or my latte at a coffee shop, I just have a low threshold for getting pissed. That said, I will tolerate delays to some extent in comics if the end result is sufficiently awesome. There just comes a point where that extent becomes so frustrating that I lose my capacity to give enough fucks.

Secret Wars #8 was supposed to come out three months ago. Fuck, it was supposed to be the final issue. Instead, someone at Marvel must have gotten some really shitty weed because their schedule has been more fucked than a Bangkok crack whore. But it's still a story that has been building and escalating in all the right ways. And damn it, I'm going to swallow my frustration, along with what's left of my Thanksgiving leftovers, to review this book for you lovely people.

You don’t need to know too much about the setup. There’s a big fucking battle raging. It’s Secret WARS, remember? There’s Spider-Man, Hulk, Sinister, Thors…pretty much everyone who can make a big fucking war and make it awesome. The last issue established the epic scale. If at this point you don’t appreciate it, you should probably lay off the Xanax.

That’s not to say there isn’t a larger strategy here. While the big ass war is unfolding outside Castle Doom, the two Reed Richards are trying to sneak in with help from Starlord. That goes about a s well as you would think. The fact they only got hit by a Hulk means they got off easy.

Speaking of Hulks, remember that big fucking Hellicarrier that arrived at the battle at the end of the previous issue? The one that, for a brief moment, looked like it was going to make Doom break a divine sweat? Well, it doesn’t matter if you forgot or were too stoned to care because Doom has something better than a Hellicarrier with Hulks. He has a giant fucking Thing to take them down. And no, that’s not a dick joke. But it ought to be.

The explosions, the destruction, and the fighting really don’t need much detail here. It’s like a big pair of tits. No words are needed to convey the awesome. And the arrival of a reanimated Galactus? I’ll let that speak for itself too.

It’s an epic battle on an epic scale that should give everyone an epic erection and/or pussy boner. But there are still a few finer details that ensure this battle will do more than just inconvenience Doom. The Richards duo and Starlord might have been hit by a Hulk, but when has that ever stopped them from landing? Like a North Korean airliner, they still get to their destination and crash in Castle Doom. Now they can fuck with Dr. Doom in a more subtle way. They can’t punch him in the balls, but they can give him a nasty rectal itch.

But who really wants to see two versions of Reed Richards get a rage boner for Dr. Doom? This is a Secret WAR god damn it! Let’s see some more war! A giant Thing and Galactus might make things too lopsided though. That’s why Thanos decides to finally join the fun, complete with the Annihilation Horde. This finally gets Dr. Doom to do something other than watch his world turn against him. It’s finally annoyed him to the point where he’s willing to get off his divine ass and act. Like having to take a piss during a football game, it’s annoying, but necessary.

It gets slightly less annoying for Doom when his pet Galactus makes the battle just a bit more uneven. It’s a little rushed, but not for the same reason a zord battle in a Power Rangers episode is rushed. When Thing finds out that it’s Franklin Richards whose piloting his Galactus zord, he’s no longer quite so eager to wreck Doom’s shit. In fact, he’s so un-eager that he lets Franklin finish him off.

It’s a powerful moment and there have been more than one in this series. Despite the annoying delays, this one still has an impact. Thing would rather die than take down someone he loves. That could be a dick joke as well, but it wouldn’t be a very funny one.

You know what is funny though? Starlord fighting the Black Swan. Why is it funny? Well, it’s not because Starlord has a lousy record in battles against sexy female villain types. It’s because he knows he’s outmatched. Hell, even his dick knows it. But he still carries himself with the kind of swag that makes him worthy of being played by Chris Pratt. Sure, he lets her kick his ass for a bit, but he’s got a plan and it doesn’t involve more dick jokes.

The non-sober crowd might not have noticed, but Starlord has been chewing on a tooth pick since this issue began. Since he’s neither a hillbilly nor a NASCAR fan, he has to have a reason for it. Well, that reason happens to have a name and he likes to remind people of that name. No, it’s not Kid Rock. It’s fucking Groot. You can just hear Vin Disel’s voice and how it soaks every pair of panties in a five-mile radius. On top of that, he grows to a level where he can do the kind of remodeling on Castle Doom that we don’t see outside of a Mythbusters special. It’s a very satisfying moment and I’d be shocked if this didn’t make Black Swan horny on some levels.

So Starlord is taking care of things on his end. He might even get laid if he’s really lucky. Reed Richards (at least one of them) might be able to say the same because while Castle Doom is crumbling like the Cleveland Browns’ season, Valeria manages to lead Sue to him. Now keep in mind, she’s still brainwashed into thinking she’s Dr. Doom’s queen and Battleworld is the only world that matters. Now, she’s face-to-face with Reed again. Not only that, he’s rocking an epic beard. I’d be shocked if even this version of Sue can keep her panties on for more than 15 minutes.

Sadly, it’s not the emotional reunion it could’ve been. It’s more of a teaser. And given how every issue of this series has been more delayed than a Guns N’ Roses album, it’s pretty frustrating. But it’s not completely shrugged off or thrown away off-panel. It’s not like this is an X-men comic.

There are some things that just can’t and shouldn’t be done off-panel. A clash between Thanos and Dr. Doom is one of them. Like a nude oil wrestling match between Jennifer Lawrence and Megan Fox, it cannot and should not be glossed over. Thanos has already annoyed the fuck out of Doom by breaking down the walls that separate Battleworld. And since he’s more merciful than most gods, Doom actually offers him a chance at redemption. If he just places faith in him, he’ll make him a new baron. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Well, Doom is not a Scientologist and Thanos is not Tom Cruise. So naturally, Thanos tells Doom to go fuck himself. That’s some pretty serious blasphemy and Dr. Doom deals with it the same way Saudi Arabia deals with it. He fucking offs Thanos with just as much ease as he offed a Cyclops-powered Phoenix. It’s every bit as badass as it sounds.

So again, the balance is now tipped in Doom’s favor. He’s the one with the god-like power. There’s only so much edge anyone can have over him. He’s now in a position to deal with this war the same way Bill Belichick deals with annoying journalists. He’s taken out Thanos and a giant Thing. With his kind of god-like power, what more can anyone throw at him that would be more than a mild cough?

Well, there’s always zombies. Never forget about zombies. Battleworld had a whole domain of them and as it just so happens, a portal opens that lets a whole fuckton of them come charging through. And if the Walking Dead has shown us anything, it’s that zombies make any fucked up situation more frustrating. A god-powered Doom isn’t immune to that.

But a portal of zombies alone isn’t enough to make a god-powered Dr. Doom worry. It’ll still annoy him, but not to the point where it’s anything more than extensive target practice. But that’s not all that comes through the portal. In addition to zombies, Namor and Black Panther show up and they’ve got something better than a trillion zombies. They’ve got a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. The list of things that’ll make a god-powered Dr. Doom shit himself is exceedingly short, but this has to be at the top, right along with an army of giant Hulks on meth.

So...is it awesome?

To this, I say a partial fuck yes! Any comic that has a giant monster Groot fight Galactus while Dr. Doom wastes Thanos like a fresh line of blow is awesome by default on some levels. Even shitty delays can't keep a moment like that from being pretty damn satisfying. But after the previous issue set up the kind of epic final battle that Peter Jackson probably jerks off to, this battle didn't exactly follow through. It didn't strike out, but it didn't hit a home run either. There's still plenty to enjoy. Like half a joint, it won't get you high, but it will put a smile on your face. Plus, the final issue still offers the possibility of a full-joint when it comes out...whenever the fuck that might be.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Secret Wars #7: Nuff said!

It's late as fuck, partially spoiled, and coming out at a time when some of us are still hung over from Halloween. But in the same way every mall in America assumes I want to do my Christmas shopping this early, I assume enough readers still give a shit about what's going on in Secret Wars. There are only a few issues left. Dr. Doom has already laid the foundation for screwing himself over. It's just a matter of actually getting there. But due to so many shitty delays, even a god-powered Doom only has the power to give so many fucks. I'll try to conjure as many fucks as possible as I review Secret Wars #7, but I'm not making any promises. At least not until I get the taste of Pumpkin Ale and tequila out of my mouth.

Right now, Doom is going to be the one who needs some ale and tequila of the very unholy variety. It's been brewing for a while, both in the tie-ins and in the main series. People are starting to suspect that a world where Doom is god just ain't right. And now, some of Marvel's mightiest heroes are channeling their inner Christopher Hitchens and rebelling against a god-powered Doom in ways that would make the entire Catholic Church shit themselves. One of them even has raised an army and marched right onto Doom's doorstep. Sure, it's only Maximus, whose about as menacing as a barista in a bad mood. But he's got a fucking army and people are actually following him. Now Doom is about to find out how Pat Robertson feels on an atheist message board.

It's not like Doom is twiddling his thumbs and laughing his ass off at idiots who write holy books in his name. He does see this shit storm brewing. He is aware that adherents are getting less and less willing to kiss his divine ass. But he still has god-like power and a smoking hot blonde in Sue Richards by his side. So he still has the edge. But even Sue suspects this isn't just Richard Dawkins publishing another god-bashing book. This is a real threat, right up there with the IRS threatening to audit a church.

While Doom is preparing his holy response, the battle below begins to unfold. It's pretty damn epic, albeit not on the same scale as the third Lord of the Rings movie. It still has battles that involve Sinister, Captain Marvel, and the Goblin Queen. To hell with elves and wizards. They don't look half a sexy as Madelyne Pryor.

Even without that epic scale, there are a few twist that will give Doom an even holier headache. Sinister decides he no longer has a boner for redheads and obscenely revealing outfits. He's now into blonds and with Captain Marvel's help, he turns on the Goblin Queen. I can't fault a guy for changing tastes. Goblin Queen might give you a good boner, but Captain Marvel will kick more ass. It's a hard choice for any man's penis, but in the heat of a battle, you go with the woman who kicks more ass.

But once again, a man who makes hard choices with his penis tends to get fucked over in the end. Sinister's betrayal doesn't go unnoticed. In fact, the end result is him getting his fucking head chopped off by one of Apocalypse's buddies. Now for Sinister, this is more of an inconvenience than a defeat. Granted, it's going to be a lot harder for him to have fun with Captain Marvel, but it still helps add to the visceral chaos of the battle.

That's really the point of this unfolding shit storm. This unholy order that Doom created in Battleworld is starting to fuck itself. His barons are betraying one another. Now, they're decapitating one another. That's not a formula for a stable order, no matter how holy you are. Doom may or may not realize that, but I imagine his ass is getting more sore by the nanosecond.

But Doom still has the edge, right? I mean it's not just that he has god-like power in a world that HE created. This guy snapped the next of a Phoenix-powered Cyclops. He also happens to have an army of Thors at his disposal. Surely ending an uprising like this should be as simple as ordering a pizza.

There's just one problem. Even the pizza boys are turning against him. Thor (the Jane Foster one) has been channeling her inner Christopher Hitchens as well. She's like Sam Harris giving a lecture at the Vatican, turning the Thor Corp against Doom. And if you read Thors #4, you know she succeeded and didn't even need to flash her boobs. Now, she's got the Thors going up against Doom as well. Surely, he can't snap all their necks.

The Thors add more chaos to the battle. There's hammers, explosions, firepower, and Sinister's head. It's definitely starting to escalate. It still doesn't feel quite as epic as it ought to. There are games of Starcraft that feel more epic, but not by much.

However, the arrival of the Thors does effectively nullify any edge Doom has with his barons. Apocalypse might have been able to end Sinister's treacherous ass before he fucked Doom's world up more than it already was, but can he do that against an army of Thors? Maybe the Thors are also mistaking him for Ivan Ooze because they think they can take his ass down. Sinister is still a useless head, but I get the sense he felt he made the right decision by not siding with Doom.

So now the Thors have turned against Doom. And his barons are cutting each other's heads off. He's still not completely fucked, right? He's still got godly power, a smoking hot blonde by his side, and armies of loyal minions. He basically has what the Vatican wishes it had back in the day before all this annoying enlightenment shit took hold. He's still got the edge, right?

Well if an army of Thors turning against him wasn't bad enough, how about an army of Hulks? That's right, the events of Contest of Champions did not come out in Doom's favor. Now, like a compulsive gambler in debt to Tony Soprano, they're coming to fuck him up and they're not just going to stop at breaking his legs. Any battle that has both Hulks and Thors in it is inherently epic. And at this point, no amount of godly power is going to keep Doom from shitting himself.

It's a hell of a battle that's unfolding. It has all the potential to be the most epic clash outside the new Star Wars movie. And it doesn't even involve Tony Stark shooting shit with giant guns...yet. But there are still elements of this battle unfolding behind the scenes that still don't think this is enough. Hulks and Thors are all well and good, but it's not going to kick Doom's ass in the way he deserves.

Enter Reed Richards...not one, but two of them. One is evil as fuck. One is pissed off to no end because Doom stole his wife and family. They're both working together with Starlord to cut off Doom's power and let all the people he's pissed off do the rest. It's not as brilliant as I would expect from Reed Richards, but I can't say I blame him for wanting to see Doom suffer.

And if all this isn't enough, because I guess there's just no such thing as overkill when it comes to a god-powered Doom, Reed is also coordinating with Namor and Black Panther. Sure, Namor laid waste to Wakanda while drunk on Phoenix power, but when they're facing a god-powered Doom, that's water under the bridge. They decide to take another piss on the foundation of Battleworld by blowing up one of the many barriers separating each domain. Why would they do that? Well it's going to piss Doom off even more so why not?

There's another reason why they do it. On the other side of this particular wall is a horde of zombies and dead heroes. Apparently, Doom is a Walking Dead fan and lets them roam in their own domain of Battleworld. They still don't like that though. There just aren't enough brains to enjoy in a domain like this. So when Black Panther and Namor show up offering them a chance to attack Doom and feast on his divinely delicious brain matter, they jump at the chance. Because he's already got Thors and Hulks opposing him. Why not throw zombies into the mix for good measure?

So...is it awesome?

That depends. Is it awesome for Dr. Doom? Well he's got Maximus leading an army against him. He's got the Thor corps turning on him. He's got his Barons back-stabbing one another. He's got not one, but two Reed Richards looking to fuck him over. And he's got a zombie army going after him as well. So for Doom, fuck no. This is shaping up to be as bad a day as any prostate exam or parole hearing. For everyone else, it's double shot of awesome that this overly-delayed event badly needed.

Given the size and scope of this event, it's hard to cover all the meaningful details. A lot of shit that happened in this issue unfolded in the tie-ins. So reading this issue without reading those is like watching only the second half of Full Metal Jacket. You're not going to get the bulk of the awesome. But it doesn't make the growing shit storm around Doom any less epic. So unless the delays have completely hindered your ability to give more than half a fuck, you'll enjoy this.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Secret Wars #6: Nuff Said!

NOTE: This is a new review format I'm trying. Since I originally intended to stop Scanned Thoughts after Secret Wars, I decided to try something else to cover the rest of the event. It's much shorter. And it may only be temporary. Let me know what you all think.

What happens when a drunk decides to share his opinions of an overly ambitious, obscenely delayed comic? Well, if that question has ever crossed your mind, congratulations. You’re in the right place and you might need to lay off the weed. It actually happened. It took over two fucking months, but Secret Wars #6 came out this week. And in an effort to create a fun, spoiler-filled rundown of this comic, I’ve prepared the following drunken rant. Enjoy!

So the survivors of 616 and Ultimate are fucking up Dr. Doom’s divinely ordered world. They’ve already managed to get Dr. Strange killed. And for some reason, an army of Thors isn’t enough to take down a tiny team of survivors. Either Dr. Doom is really shitty when it comes to managing god-like power or he should stick to Doombots. They don’t have badass hammers, but they don’t hesitate to get the job done.

He might be able to deal with having an inept army of Thors. It’s still more effective than a competent army of SHIELD agents. But can he deal with Valeria starting to suspect that a world where Doom is god just ain’t right? It’s hard to say, but I think Doom is going to really appreciate his Doombots more by the end of this.

Valeria might be a cute blond, but she knows how to make trouble. And it’s not the kind of trouble that involves school girls uniforms, middle-aged teachers, and anal lube. It looks like she’s actively looking for ways to screw Dr. Doom over, or at least figure out how he screwed multiple universes over. It could be just out of sheer, scientific curiosity, which is not unreasonable for a character like her. But she could also just be looking to fuck shit up as only cute blonds can. I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence would give Valeria her seal of approval.

So in the time since the survivors arrived up until Dr. Strange scattered them throughout Battleworld, Reed Richards and Evil Ultimate Reed Richards found a way to meet up. That’s not a question. That apparently happened and I have no fucking clue how. Maybe I’m just that drunk or maybe after all these delays, I’ve stopped giving a shit about those minor details. All I know is that Reed Richards looks shitty with a beard and Ultimate Reed Richards looks like meth addict with a bad case of pink eye. Yet somehow, I’d rather be locked in a room with that meth addict than Ultimate Reed Richards. Is that weird?

Valeria continues to be a naughty yet lovable blond. It’s not enough that she’s searching for ways to screw over Dr. Doom. She helps Spider-Man from both 616 and Ultimate in their efforts as well. She knows that a grown man and a teenage boy are going to trust a cute blond, even if she doesn’t flash her tits. She lets them do the dirty work of uncovering Dr. Doom’s dirty secrets. That way if they get caught, she can just give him the puppy-dog eyes and get away with it. It’s a dick move, but a brilliant dick move.

Peter and Miles enter the realm from which Doom draws his powers. That’s where they find Molecule Man, who looks as approachable as Gary Busey on a crack binge. But Miles Morales has a burger in his pocket. That gives them the ultimate leverage. Apparently, burgers are just that valuable in Battleworld. Go figure.

Not saying it’s unreasonable. A good burger is almost as good as god-like power. But Molecule Man basically confirms what we already know. Doom is using him to channel the power of the Benyonders. He’s basically akin to the plug we use for our cell phones. He’s dirty and underappreciated, but his importance can’t be understated.

Doom still isn’t aware how Valeria and the others are plotting to screw them over. He’s all-powerful, but not omniscient. He probably wishes he was because he has to chat with his Barons from other realms. They’re basically about as helpful as Comcast Customer Support. One of them is even working against him. Somehow, Sinister tracked down Captain Marvel and convinced her to have a drink with him. Either he’s the greatest smooth-talker in the history of the omniverse or Captain Marvel just really needed to get drunk in a world where Doom is god.

Even in death, Dr. Strange always expected that he would have to screw Doom over. Let’s face it, Doom is about as fit to be a god as I am to be the head of Alcoholics Anonymous. With his dying breath, Strange somehow managed to get Black Panther and Namor to the Isle of Agamatto, which I guess is Strange’s mystical version of a porno stash. Because he’s got some pretty forbidden shit in here. And by forbidden, I mean the kind of shit that could make Doom divinely shit himself.

What could possibly be in his collection that could undermine a god-powered Doom? How about a fucking Infinity Gauntlet? Yeah, that would do the trick. I’m pretty sure any god or wannabe god would piss themselves at the notion of someone wielding that kind of power. Hell, Namor is lucky that Black Panther doesn’t test it by turning him into shrimp cocktail for laying waste to Wakanda during Avengers vs. X-men. I guess in a world where Doom is a god, they can’t afford to be petty.

I’d love to see how a god-powered Doom takes on a pissed off Black Panther armed with an Infinity Gauntlet. Instead, I get Sue Richards telling Franklin a bedtime story. It’s a lame bedtime story in that it doesn’t have any unicorns that shit chocolate, but it does offer some background into the history Doom has created in this world. There’s no Reed Richards, but there is a Fantastic Four. And Dr. Doom made damn sure it happened his way. It’s like a fanfiction writer making his story become reality. I admit I’d do the same thing if I had Doom’s power.

So at some point, Thanos managed to get himself imprisoned. Guess without his Infinity Gauntlet, he’s just a giant purple scrotum. But he happens to have a cell next to Ben Grimm. He also happens to know that Doom created this world with the sole purpose of screwing the Fantastic Four over. And he did almost as good a job as Josh Trank. That’s more than enough to piss Thing off. So now he wants to screw Doom over too in addition to Valeria. Pretty sure he’s going to be divinely fucked soon enough.

So...is Secret Wars #6 awesome?

If I were to sober up and offer my most sincere assessment, then I would say not really. This issue moved the plot forward, but not much else. And after over a two-month delay, that’s more than a little disappointing. That’s like waiting in line for eight hours to see a new Star Wars movie only to find out at the end that Jar Jar is the main character. While this issue didn’t derail the whole event, it did make me give substantially fewer fucks about it. Between being annoyingly incohesive and distinctly underwhelming, I doubt anybody’s panties are getting wet from this. At the very least, it moves the story forward enough to know that Dr. Doom is about to get divinely screwed over. And honestly, that shit never gets old.

Final Score: 5 out of 10