Secret Wars #6: Nuff Said!

NOTE: This is a new review format I'm trying. Since I originally intended to stop Scanned Thoughts after Secret Wars, I decided to try something else to cover the rest of the event. It's much shorter. And it may only be temporary. Let me know what you all think.

What happens when a drunk decides to share his opinions of an overly ambitious, obscenely delayed comic? Well, if that question has ever crossed your mind, congratulations. You’re in the right place and you might need to lay off the weed. It actually happened. It took over two fucking months, but Secret Wars #6 came out this week. And in an effort to create a fun, spoiler-filled rundown of this comic, I’ve prepared the following drunken rant. Enjoy!

So the survivors of 616 and Ultimate are fucking up Dr. Doom’s divinely ordered world. They’ve already managed to get Dr. Strange killed. And for some reason, an army of Thors isn’t enough to take down a tiny team of survivors. Either Dr. Doom is really shitty when it comes to managing god-like power or he should stick to Doombots. They don’t have badass hammers, but they don’t hesitate to get the job done.

He might be able to deal with having an inept army of Thors. It’s still more effective than a competent army of SHIELD agents. But can he deal with Valeria starting to suspect that a world where Doom is god just ain’t right? It’s hard to say, but I think Doom is going to really appreciate his Doombots more by the end of this.

Valeria might be a cute blond, but she knows how to make trouble. And it’s not the kind of trouble that involves school girls uniforms, middle-aged teachers, and anal lube. It looks like she’s actively looking for ways to screw Dr. Doom over, or at least figure out how he screwed multiple universes over. It could be just out of sheer, scientific curiosity, which is not unreasonable for a character like her. But she could also just be looking to fuck shit up as only cute blonds can. I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence would give Valeria her seal of approval.

So in the time since the survivors arrived up until Dr. Strange scattered them throughout Battleworld, Reed Richards and Evil Ultimate Reed Richards found a way to meet up. That’s not a question. That apparently happened and I have no fucking clue how. Maybe I’m just that drunk or maybe after all these delays, I’ve stopped giving a shit about those minor details. All I know is that Reed Richards looks shitty with a beard and Ultimate Reed Richards looks like meth addict with a bad case of pink eye. Yet somehow, I’d rather be locked in a room with that meth addict than Ultimate Reed Richards. Is that weird?

Valeria continues to be a naughty yet lovable blond. It’s not enough that she’s searching for ways to screw over Dr. Doom. She helps Spider-Man from both 616 and Ultimate in their efforts as well. She knows that a grown man and a teenage boy are going to trust a cute blond, even if she doesn’t flash her tits. She lets them do the dirty work of uncovering Dr. Doom’s dirty secrets. That way if they get caught, she can just give him the puppy-dog eyes and get away with it. It’s a dick move, but a brilliant dick move.

Peter and Miles enter the realm from which Doom draws his powers. That’s where they find Molecule Man, who looks as approachable as Gary Busey on a crack binge. But Miles Morales has a burger in his pocket. That gives them the ultimate leverage. Apparently, burgers are just that valuable in Battleworld. Go figure.

Not saying it’s unreasonable. A good burger is almost as good as god-like power. But Molecule Man basically confirms what we already know. Doom is using him to channel the power of the Benyonders. He’s basically akin to the plug we use for our cell phones. He’s dirty and underappreciated, but his importance can’t be understated.

Doom still isn’t aware how Valeria and the others are plotting to screw them over. He’s all-powerful, but not omniscient. He probably wishes he was because he has to chat with his Barons from other realms. They’re basically about as helpful as Comcast Customer Support. One of them is even working against him. Somehow, Sinister tracked down Captain Marvel and convinced her to have a drink with him. Either he’s the greatest smooth-talker in the history of the omniverse or Captain Marvel just really needed to get drunk in a world where Doom is god.

Even in death, Dr. Strange always expected that he would have to screw Doom over. Let’s face it, Doom is about as fit to be a god as I am to be the head of Alcoholics Anonymous. With his dying breath, Strange somehow managed to get Black Panther and Namor to the Isle of Agamatto, which I guess is Strange’s mystical version of a porno stash. Because he’s got some pretty forbidden shit in here. And by forbidden, I mean the kind of shit that could make Doom divinely shit himself.

What could possibly be in his collection that could undermine a god-powered Doom? How about a fucking Infinity Gauntlet? Yeah, that would do the trick. I’m pretty sure any god or wannabe god would piss themselves at the notion of someone wielding that kind of power. Hell, Namor is lucky that Black Panther doesn’t test it by turning him into shrimp cocktail for laying waste to Wakanda during Avengers vs. X-men. I guess in a world where Doom is a god, they can’t afford to be petty.

I’d love to see how a god-powered Doom takes on a pissed off Black Panther armed with an Infinity Gauntlet. Instead, I get Sue Richards telling Franklin a bedtime story. It’s a lame bedtime story in that it doesn’t have any unicorns that shit chocolate, but it does offer some background into the history Doom has created in this world. There’s no Reed Richards, but there is a Fantastic Four. And Dr. Doom made damn sure it happened his way. It’s like a fanfiction writer making his story become reality. I admit I’d do the same thing if I had Doom’s power.

So at some point, Thanos managed to get himself imprisoned. Guess without his Infinity Gauntlet, he’s just a giant purple scrotum. But he happens to have a cell next to Ben Grimm. He also happens to know that Doom created this world with the sole purpose of screwing the Fantastic Four over. And he did almost as good a job as Josh Trank. That’s more than enough to piss Thing off. So now he wants to screw Doom over too in addition to Valeria. Pretty sure he’s going to be divinely fucked soon enough.

So...is Secret Wars #6 awesome?

If I were to sober up and offer my most sincere assessment, then I would say not really. This issue moved the plot forward, but not much else. And after over a two-month delay, that’s more than a little disappointing. That’s like waiting in line for eight hours to see a new Star Wars movie only to find out at the end that Jar Jar is the main character. While this issue didn’t derail the whole event, it did make me give substantially fewer fucks about it. Between being annoyingly incohesive and distinctly underwhelming, I doubt anybody’s panties are getting wet from this. At the very least, it moves the story forward enough to know that Dr. Doom is about to get divinely screwed over. And honestly, that shit never gets old.

Final Score: 5 out of 10