Thursday, October 8, 2015

Invincible Iron Man #1: Nuff Said!

What happens when Marvel’s biggest writer takes on Marvel’s most notorious billionaire, alcoholic, pussy hound, armored Avenger? That’s what Invincible Iron Man #1 attempts to answer. And as a service to comic book fans and nerdrage that sustains them, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a quick, quirky, spoilerrific rundown of what goes through the head of a drunk as he soaks in this latest effort to make billionaires more likable. So sit back, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, and follow me as I offer my own unique/fucked up interpretation of this comic. Enjoy!


So someone thought they could have a reasonable negotiation with Madam Masque and not get blood stains on the carpet. Who the fuck is that stupid? Seriously, this must be the same guy who thinks he’s friends with a Nigerian prince. He brings Madam Masque what she wants. He asks for money. She shoots him in the head. A guy dumb enough to make a deal with her deserves nothing less.


I guess we can completely throw out Superior Iron Man. The way Tony talks to himself, I guess that shit never happened. He’s eating a burger and not drinking a bottle of whiskey. Either the 8-month gap undid the inversion from AXIS or he’s already drunk and getting a head start on the hangover. If so, he’s the most productive drunk in history because he manages to make a brand spanking new suit of armor. There’s nothing special about it. The crotch bulge is a little telling. But then again, it’s not like the iPhone changes its design that much every year. That doesn’t make it any less awesome.


After he makes a brand spanking new set of armor, he goes on a date. He’s Tony fucking Stark. When he’s not building awesome suits of armor, he’s dating beautiful women and diving head-first into their panties. This beautiful woman’s name is Dr. Amara Perera. She’s apparently both beautiful and brilliant. I guess that’s standard in both the Marvel Universe and every CBS cop show ever created. She’s hot, but no hotter than any of the other women that Tony Stark bangs every other Thursday.


Tony Stark goes on a date. Madam Masque continues to shoot people who try to get in her way. Like a fat kid trying to get his candy bar back, she lets nothing stop her. She even manages to rob Stark Industries’ branch in Japan. That’s pretty brilliant because let’s face it. A supervillain crashing through a window and shooting masked ninjas isn’t even top 10 in terms of the weird shit that comes out of Japan. Look up one of their anime conventions and tell me I’m wrong.


The date with Tony and Amara is going surprisingly well. He doesn’t appear to be drunk and he hasn’t started waving his dick in her face. Instead, they actually have a serious conversation. What a fucking concept, right? They talk about how being geniuses and inventing genius shit can do more harm than good. While I doubt Dr. Perera ever tried to shoot the Phoenix Force with a giant gun, I’m pretty sure she’s created a few weapons of mass destruction during her down time. Apparently, one was a mutant cure. And she must have seen X3 because she understands how fucked up that can make everything.


It’s probably the most meaningful date that Tony Stark has been on in terms of him keeping his pants on. At one point, he does try to sneak into Dr. Perera’s panties. It doesn’t quite work. She doesn’t even let him cop a feel. I’m pretty sure Tony’s dick hates him. Then he finds out Madam Masque is on the loose and his penis gives him a pass.


He finally gets to power up his new suit of armor. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, but Robert Downy Jr. has found a way to make it seem awesome while making a fuckton of money. It gives him an excuse to ditch his date and since she wasn’t loosening her panties, why not? Fighting Madam Masque gives him something better to do with his boner.


He ends up in Latveria because I guess nobody is stupid enough to look for a criminal in Latveria. It is the anal wart of the Marvel Universe. Nobody wants to go there, but nobody can get rid of it. So of course this is where Madam Masque goes to hide. And since we still have no fucking clue what happens after Secret Wars, we’re left to assume his downfall fucked his country over.


Those assumptions are somewhat questionable because Stark does encounter someone who might be able to help. And it’s…well, it’s fucking Doom, minus the badass suit of armor. He now looks like he’s the CEO of a pharmaceutical company or a Tobacco lobbyist. Gotta say this version actually looks way more evil, assuming this isn’t a Doombot. And that’s another big fucking assumption.


So...is it awesome?

For those who hear Robert Downy Jr.’s sexy voice in every word Tony Stark says, then yes. This is a pretty awesome comic. For those who enjoy seeing Iron Man flaunt his awesome suit of armor the same way Nikki Manaj flaunts her awesome ass, not so much. Most of this comic is focused on establishing the kind of Tony Stark that Brian Michael Bendis will be dealing with here. And so far, he’s definitely an upgrade. He doesn’t come off as the kind of Tony Stark who would shoot the Phoenix Force with a giant fucking gun. He comes off as a Tony Stark who is trying not to fuck up as much as he has in the past. He shouldn’t, lest he make Robert Downy Jr. less sexy and we just can’t have that.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

3 comments:

  1. So what, did Kavita Rao have too much self-respect to go out with Stark? I mean how many Southeast Asian female scientists who developed a cure of the X-Gene ARE there?

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