New Dynamics with a Familiar Face: Invincible Iron Man #7

The following is my review of Invincible Iron Man #7, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

From a purely pragmatic standpoint, creating a compelling Iron Man story creates a unique set of challenges. A writer has to make a rich, good-looking, genius playboy likeable without turning him into a Charlie Sheen archetype. Needless to say, this is not as easy as Robert Downey Jr. makes it out to be.

Tony Stark does a lot of things that would earn plenty of scorn, criticism, and negative hashtags in the real world. He's profited from the sale of deadly weapons, he's chased beautiful women to an extent that even Hugh Hefner would find excessive, and he's carried himself with an ego that is almost on par with Kanye West.

Despite these challenges, Brian Michael Bendis has succeeded in rising to the occasion throughout the course of Invincible Iron Man. He doesn't just put Tony Stark in a position for him to show off his unparalleled tech-savvy or his Robert Downey Jr. type charisma. He puts him in situations that reveal his insecurities.

As hard as it might be for anyone outside the top tax bracket to contemplate, even billionaires have insecurities. Even a billionaire that hangs out with Captain America and full-blooded Asgardians struggles with it. Bendis even makes the case that billionaires in that position struggle more than most. It certainly doesn't help when demons, vindictive women, and Dr. Doom enter the mix as well. There is a limit to how much his obscene wealth can mask such vulnerabilities.

Regardless of how well they're masked, these vulnerabilities have helped create a narrative in Invincible Iron Man that makes Tony Stark a genuinely intriguing character by doing something that isn't easy to do with someone of his wealth and resources. It humanizes him. As this series has unfolded, Tony has humbled himself in ways he doesn't usually show unless Thanos has him under his boot.

His battles against Madam Masque and his uneasy team-ups with Dr. Doom add plenty of spectacle around that humility. Invincible Iron Man #7 attempts to add new dimensions to this spectacle. Unlike previous spectacles, this one involves Mary Jane Watson. As Spider-Man fans can attest, she's a spectacle unto herself and one that might seem out of place in Iron Man's world. However, Brian Michael Bendis makes the case that Mary Jane isn't just qualified to navigate this world. Her ability to handle this world and look good while doing it might as well be a superpower.

It might not sit well with Spider-Man fans. It might not sit well with Iron Man fans either. This is because Mary Jane Watson has been built around a certain set of assumptions. She existed for many years as a love interest and someone who attracts pumpkin bombs almost as much as she attracts men. She only ever seemed to exist as Peter Parker's wife/girlfriend/love interest. Her growing beyond that role is a very recent concept. In fact, there are terrible reality shows that have existed longer than this concept.

It's because of this concept, building Mary Jane Watson up as someone other than a love interest for Spider-Man, that she fits into Tony Stark's world. A good chunk of Invincible Iron Man #7 is spent establishing just how comfortable Mary Jane is in a world where bombs, be the shaped like pumpkins or something else, are likely to go off at any given moment. At no point is she overwhelmed, intimidated, or even anxious. She survived dating Spider-Man. That makes her more qualified than most women. Gwen Stacy can attest to this.

Beyond Mary Jane's ability to handle the pressure, she is never bedazzled by Tony Stark's wealth, charm, or brand. She never carries herself as a rich man's groupie whose primary job is to exist as arm candy. She certainly could if she wanted to, but she doesn't. If this had happened 20 years ago, it would've been shocking. Since it's 2016, it just feels overdue.

Instead of being arm candy, Mary Jane relies on her wit and personality, which make her immune to Tony Stark's charms while making him vulnerable to hers. Even for a man in an iron suit, it's another vulnerability that Tony isn't used to dealing with. For the narrative that Invincible Iron Man has established, it's perfectly in line with the Tony Stark that Bendis has been developing. It's still hard to feel sorry for a man who can fly to Tokyo without dealing with the TSA, but he's still painfully human in a way that's easy to respect.

With Tony and Mary Jane, Brian Michael Bendis dedicates significant, albeit excessive, time and energy establishing a unique dynamic. It's a dynamic that is the very antithesis of 50 Shades of Grey in that the handsome rich man interacts with a beautiful woman in a way that never becomes romantic, sexual, or abusive. It might come off as jarring that a man like Tony Stark can exercise such restraint, but it feels like it shouldn't be in an era where movies like Mad Max: Fury Road are an unmitigated success.

As well-developed as this dynamic is, it doesn't do much to move the narrative forward. So much time is spent bringing Mary Jane into Tony's world that it's easy to forget that there's another ongoing story where bombs that are definitely not pumpkin shaped started going off. War Machine doesn't get to fire a shot in return. Iron Man doesn't even get a chance to make it up to him. It almost feels like there was an extended commercial break that makes the story feel choppy.

While the ongoing plot with War Machine slowed, it didn't stall. Mary Jane Watson's introduction to Invincible Iron Man did help move this plot forward, albeit indirectly. Invincible Iron Man #7 as a whole succeeds in introducing an important new dynamic into Tony Stark's life, but does little to explore the latest challenges within that life.

At the very least, Tony Stark can say he has another beautiful woman helping him organize the growing list of vulnerabilities in his life and as Peter Parker can attest, this can be a very good thing. He just needs to stay away from Mephisto.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Invincible Iron Man #6: Nuff Said!

Let’s face it. We as a society are totally schizophrenic with our attitudes towards billionaires. On one hand, we hate their guts for buying gold-plated toilet seats and paying migrant workers 15 cents a day to wipe their ass. At the same time, we adore and emulate them in every way we can. We strive to be them, as though we wish we could afford to be the assholes we know we are at heart. It’s a disturbing attitude, but it has made Iron Man the most important character in the Marvel universe.

To be fair to Tony Stark, he hasn’t carried himself with the kind of assholery we associate with billionaires. Brian Michael Bendis has started his run on Invincible Iron Man by fleshing out the vulnerabilities of Tony and not just by making him drink again. He’s become a more compelling character and the pride with which he bears his facial hair is respectable. But now he’s got Mary Jane Watson in his corner. That’s like giving Bill Belichick 10 first round draft picks. It’s an embarrassment of riches. But I’m going to explore these riches as I review Invincible Iron Man #6. I’ll try to keep my own schizophrenic attitudes in check, but I can’t make any promises.

Like many obscenely rich people, Tony Stark often sends others to do his work for him while he enjoys his obscene riches. This means sending War Machine out to Osaka, Japan to investigate some more bloody shenanigans by Madam Masque at a Stark Industries facility. There’s not much hint as to what she’s up to, but she caused another big bloody mess and probably got horny while doing it. That’s reason enough to send a walking War Machine to deal with her.

War Machine enters to find a distinct lack of homicidal women, which I guess should come as some surprise in a building owned by Tony Stark. He does encounter some unexpected surprises though. Sadly, it’s just a terrified, underpaid maid from the janitorial staff. War Machine gets a wet sponge to the face. But given the women Tony has dated, he might as well have gotten off with a free puppy.

He basically comes up with nothing. It’s at this point Tony tries to fill him in on all shit Madam Masque has been putting him through. It’s not enough she likes to steal his shit and bust his balls. She’s starting to dry-hump demons as well and after what happened with Illyana Rasputin, he doesn’t need that. He needs a way to find her without terrifying underpaid janitors. And Tony wants War Machine to do the heavy lifting.

Why is he doing the heavy lifting, you ask? Well, like I said, rich people like to pay others to do their shit for them so they can enjoy being rich. And in this case, Tony is completely occupied by the intimate company of Dr. Amara Perera. Apparently, he convinced her to let him into her panties and they’re in the middle of the morning afterglow. So yes, he’s in no condition to hunt down Madam Masque. The man does have priorities.

Now is it a typical dick move for Tony to send someone else to do his shit while he bangs hot women? Sure. However, Dr. Perera is not just another pair of tits and a hot ass that can be found in nearly every hip hop video ever made. She’s actually someone Tony has connected with in recent issues. And yes, I said that with a straight face. Bendis has gone out of his way to have Tony connect with someone who isn’t a machine, an alien, or an underpaid assistant. It may be shocking, but damn if it doesn’t work.

Tony continues to stake a permanent claim in Dr. Perera’s panties by buying her breakfast at some hole-in-the wall diner that he randomly decided has the best waffles in the world and thinks its cute to be so rich and eat there. Those are her words, not mine. They start talking science and progress, the kind of shit Tony Stark lives for. It’s a beautiful moment for a man whose character is indistinguishable at times from an overly elaborate porno.

Then, Dr. Doom shows up. No, I don’t mean that he attacks New York City with an army of Doombots. I mean he actually shows up at the diner, wearing a nice suit, and carrying a cup of coffee. He has no mask, no Ultimate Nullifier tucked in his pocket, and no dead Avengers under his shoes.

It’s not as fucked up as it sounds. In wake of Secret Wars, Dr. Doom has a new outlook on life and he’s been exploring that outlook in this series. He’s been aiding Iron Man in his battle against demons and mystic forces. And he’s done it with a style that would make Don Draper’s dick shrivel. Tony still doesn’t trust him for obvious reasons. He might still be evil, but now he’s a real smooth motherfucker kind of evil.

Not going to lie, I think this new Dr. Doom is more interesting than Tony Stark has ever been.

While Tony Stark is protecting his girlfriend and his balls from Dr. Doom, War Machine continues his mission as James Rhodes. Since he didn’t find anything in Stark’s building, he hits up a shady Japanese gambling den run by Yukio. If there’s anything involving demons and cybernetic ninjas in Japan, she would know about it. This is the sort of thing she used to deal with every Thursday after banging Wolverine on Wednesday night. And wouldn’t you know it? There is some hulking asshole with two beautiful women on his arms who might know a thing or two. Because people who know shady shit tend to attract beautiful women. I don’t think it’s fair either.

It’s official now. Tony Stark’s breakfast date with his girlfriend is ruined, but not because Dr. Doom brings a bomb with him. He just continues to being a smooth motherfucker and making Tony look like an ass. He doesn’t even flinch when Tony has his Iron Man suit on standby ready to blow his head off. It makes me think this Dr. Doom would be the ultimate poker player.

But he’s not just there so that Tony can make an ass of himself, although I’m sure that’s a nice bonus. He’s there to convince Tony he’s on a new path. That path doesn’t involve him going to jail, standing trail for his crimes, or dedicating the rest of his life to hugging puppies. But it’s a path that doesn’t involve conquering the world every other week so it’s still an upgrade.

Doom’s main concern also has to do with Madam Masque. She’s rubbing elbows with demons and that concerns him. He already helped Iron Man stop her from tearing the demonic realm a new asshole. However, he’s not content with just sparing the world from one too many Exorcist sequels. He wants to be more thorough and efficient at containing threats. And damn it, I want to cheer him on.

Tony still isn’t buying it. He’s still looking for any excuse to kill Doom and dance on his grave. But Doom never gives him one. He just claims he’s trying to reverse some of the damage he’s inflicted and maybe take down a few demons in the process. He also wants to look smooth as fuck while doing it. Even Tony has to respect that on some levels.

With all the smooth-talking, it’s easy to forget that this issue hasn’t had much action that didn’t involve underpaid janitors. Well, that finally changes when War Machine decides to put on his armor and track down the hulking asshole with two beautiful women in his arms. He’s not subtle either. I think Tony Stark requires that he not be while wearing one of his suits. It’s a standard Iron Man style traffic stop, complete with a gun fight and abrupt adjustment to car insurance premiums. It’s not as epic as a battle against the old version of Dr. Doom, but at least no underpaid janitors were harmed.

However, the battle takes an unexpected twist when the hulking asshole reveals a trick. Remember those two attractive women he had in his arms? The arm candy that makes irritable feminists everywhere want to neuter the nearest dog? Well, it turns out they’ve got fancy glowing swords and decide to join the fight. It catches War Machine by surprise and it should. This is 2016. Mad Max: Fury Road has been out for over a year now. Sexy badass women should no longer be so shocking.

So...is it awesome?

In the sense that it has no noticeable flaws other than making hot blondes everywhere want to sleep with Dr. Doom, yes. It is pretty damn awesome. This is the most polished, well-developed portrayal of Tony Stark with his pants on in quite some time. You can practically hear the charismatic wit of Robert Downey Jr. coming through every word. And if that doesn’t make hot blondes horny as well, then something is inherently wrong with human biology.

Invincible Iron Man #6 was fairly light on action, but heavy on everything else. Tony’s personal life got some added depth. War Machine got to flex his guns in a way that has nothing to do with dick jokes. And the All-New, All-Different Dr. Doom continues to upstage Iron Man in the best possible ways. At the rate he’s going, I might be inclined to polish Brian Michael Bendis’ head if I ever get the chance to meet him. This new path for Iron Man couldn’t be better without getting a supermodel involved. Wait…he hired Mary Jane Watson in the last issue? Never mind!

Final Score: 9 out of 10

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR - Official Trailer #1 (2016) Marvel Superhero...

Let's face it, Disney owns our ass. They have Star Wars. They have Marvel. They have Frozen. They might as well buy their own mint at this point. Well, like a rich douche on Instagram, they insist on flaunting how much they own us every chance they get. Enter the first official trailer for Captain America: Civil War.

It's a movie that's not nearly as hyped as Age of Ultron and maybe that's a good thing. Besides, why does Disney need hype at this point? They have a fucking Star Wars movie coming out in a month. I think they're worried about frying our brains with pure awesome at this point. Having fried my brain enough by sitting through shitty Batman movies in the 90s, I'm okay with letting some hype build for this one.


Will this movie be as big as the original Avengers movie? Probably not. Will it top Star Wars? Definitely not. Will it still be awesome? After seeing this trailer, I'm going to go off on a limb and say fuck yes!

Invincible Iron Man #2: Nuff Said!

It's a new era for Tony Stark. If by new you mean he's got another new suit of armor and he's making yet another attempt to be less of an arrogant prick. By that standard, it's a new era for Tony Stark every other week. But this time, he really, really means it. Sure, he's ditched Pepper Potts and alienated damn near every friend he's ever had. He can still cry himself to sleep on top of a pile of money while banging supermodels.

But Brian Michael Bendis is doing his best to make this version of Tony Stark as charismatic and likable as Robert Downey Jr. is in real life. It's a tall, if not impossible order. He laid the foundation in Invincible Iron Man #1. He tries to build on that foundation in Invincible Iron Man #2. Does anything he build last longer than freshly painted wall in Downtown Detroit? That's what I hope to determine and I hope to do so without sobering up.

So now Dr. Doom is no longer a god. He’s no longer wearing that badass armor and cape. He now looks like a model for Jos. A Bank. And what’s Iron Man’s first instinct? Shoot him. Can’t say I blame him. Can’t say I’m surprised that Doom blocked it without breaking a sweat, courtesy of magic. He may look like an extra on Law and Order, but he’s still Doom. And he’s remarkably calm about it. He’s gone from looking evil and imposing to looking refined and well-dressed, but still evil as fuck. I say it’s an upgrade.

Tony Starks’ next instinct…attack with the Hulk Buster. All he does is ruffle up Doom’s die. Now, Tony just looks foolish and it’s entertaining as fuck. Sure, he doesn’t shoot a cosmic entity with a giant gun, but he might as well be that kid in gym class who pissed his gym shorts one day. Not gonna lie. I enjoyed this.

There’s still the matter of why the fuck Tony came to Latveria in the first place. Short of an orgy involving Emma Frost clones, there’s not much that could draw him to Latveria. But Madam Masque apparently is kicking up some shit and Doom doesn’t want to get any stains on his fancy new suit. Can’t say I blame him.

We don’t really learn much. And Tony retains what’s left of his dignity by not attacking Doom again. He opts to follow him into the ruins of his castle. I guess Doom takes pity on those who make an ass of themselves. He says Madam Masque is after some dangerous artifacts. They’re the kind that can tear the world a new asshole and on a planet that routinely attracts cosmic forces, alien invasions, and Thanos, it already has enough as it stands. So he’s going to help Iron Man. I guess if anyone is going to tear new assholes into this world at this point, it’s going to be Doom and he’s doing to do it in a nice suit, damn it.

Enter the Wand of Watoomb. It sounds the Voodoo name I would give to my penis. It’s a painfully generic mystical artifact. So of course Doom has one and being the nice sociopath he is, he lends it to Tony. But there’s another and that’s the one Madam Masque is after. And he trusts Tony to take care of it. That or he’s just expecting Tony to make an ass of himself again. Either way, Doom wins.

There’s a lot more talking. We don’t learn much else other than Madam Masque stole a fake wand and Dr. Doom isn’t in a hurry to rule over Latveria again. Hell, he was a god for a while. After that, ruling over a country would be like going from drinking imported vodka to expired light beer. We really have no fucking clue what Doom is going to do now other than look good in overpriced suits. He seems content to let his country fuck itself while he watches Tony Stark make an ass of himself.

Whatever his reasons, he makes sure Tony Stark leaves with a deflated scrotum. When Tony gets all cranky and paranoid around Doom, as most reasonable people in the Marvel universe are one to do, Doom just shrugs his shoulders and teleports him across the world and in a fucking zoo no less. And he does it without breaking a sweat and with more swag than three Kanye West albums.

Not gonna lie. I enjoyed that too. And now I kind of want to read a comic about this new Dr. Doom. Marvel, if you’re reading this, get on it before Fox makes another shitty movie about it!

Finally, we get to Madam Masque. So far, she’s done nothing we haven’t seen in a shitty Robert De Niro movie, stealing fancy shit and shooting people along the way. She finds the woman who gave her the location of the Wand of Watoomb, says his info was bullshit, and she shoots her and the guy who thought he would be getting his dick wet tonight. I feel bad for the guy’s dick, but not much else.

Since there are no more people left to kill, Madam Masque decides to shower. It’s barely as sexy as it sounds. Then, being the kind of guy who sneaks up on naked women, Iron Man shows up in the room. He’s not in his armor. He’s just there to ask questions. Madam Masque is understandably pissed and wearing just a robe no less. I’m sure Tony has confronted many pissed off, minimally clothed women in his life so there’s really nothing special about this scene. Angry, half-naked women as common as hangovers, minus the fun of being drunk.

They barely talk about the people she just shot. Tony tries to ask questions as calmly as he can in front of a half-naked women. Madam Masque responds with generic bitchiness. She claims to know nothing about what’s going on with Dr. Doom. For some reason, Tony thinks this is terrifying because it means Doom might actually have told him the truth. And that’s more horrifying than Thanos on crystal meth. Can’t say I disagree. But beyond the bitching and confusion, there’s nothing all that exciting other than a beautiful woman in a bathrobe.

Eventually, Madam Masque gets pissed off enough to attack. It doesn’t work. Turns out Tony’s new armor has stealth mode because of course he does. He’s Tony fucking Stark. If he can build a giant gun to shoot the Phoenix Force, he can build a stealth suit to protect him from a pissed off, half-naked woman.

The problem is this pissed off half-naked woman has another trick. After failing to land her first punch, she does…something. It could be magic. It could be some fancy new weapon. I really have no fucking clue other than it big, flashy, and not in a Transformer movie. It’s just a generic spectacle, which pretty much sums up this comic in a nutshell…well, that and Dr. Doom looks damn good in a suit.

So...is it awesome?

Well, the new, less menacing version of Dr. Doom is pretty damn awesome. That's for sure. Everything else? Well, I'd need a more than a few joints to answer that question fully. For the sake of my lungs, I'll offer a partial answer. Yes, there is a fair amount of awesome in Invincible Iron Man #2. Granted, not a whole lot happens other than Tony Stark making an ass of himself and while he's sober no less. But there's still a story worth telling here involving Madam Masque. There are still too many blanks and nobody's going to get a raging boner waiting for the next issue. But still, it's Tony Stark making an ass of himself. Like the Indianapolis Colts special teams fuck-up last Sunday Night, some shit never gets old.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Vulnerable Invincibility: Invincible Iron Man #1

The following is my review of Invincible Iron Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Contrary to the belief of every hippie, communist, and Bernie Sanders supporter, the ultra-rich of the world have a vested interest in not destroying it. What's the point of having all that wealth and power if there's not an intact world in which to flaunt it? But unlike riots and petitions, the ultra-rich actually have the resources with which to save the world. They don't need superpowers. Sometimes, having the real-life equivalent to the infinite money cheat in Skyrim is just as good.

Tony Stark is the embodiment of this concept. He's unambiguous in his desire to save the world. He doesn't hide behind a mask like Bruce Wayne or Spider-Man. He makes saving the world part of his brand and from a pure business perspective, it's brilliant. What customer wouldn't respond to a brand that both claims to save the world and actually does more than fund Al Gore documentaries? Even if Tony Stark is an arrogant jerk, he's still an arrogant jerk who's trying to save the world.

It's the arrogant jerk part, however, that often undermines his goal and his competence. That's what makes Tony Stark such a compelling character. He's arrogant enough to flaunt his money and hook up with every stripper in Las Vegas, but he's also driven enough to use his resources to protect a world in ways that nobody else can. That imbalance has driven his story for decades and Robert Downey Jr. helped turn it into a billion-dollar boon for Marvel and Disney. Invincible Iron Man #1 probably won't make quite as much money without Robert Downey Jr. being involved, but it does offer a version of Tony Stark that's fit for any Joss Whedon movie.

Even before the events of Secret Wars, Tony was in an usual place. He found out that he is not the biological son of Howard and Maria Stark. He also pushed away his long-time assistant and friend, Pepper Potts, in a way that wasn't nearly as kind as Gweneth Paltrow's conscious decoupling. He's basically raw, like pro-bowl football player who just got cut because he screwed up off the field one too many times.

But he still has plenty of talent and potential to offer. He just needs to convince others he's still got it while not letting his arrogance get the better of him. And for a man who makes cute redheaded holographic assistants, that's a challenge.

For most of the story that plays out in Invincible Iron Man #1, Tony Stark is not in his armor. And having just created another new set, it's quite a feat for him to not take out for a test drive while the metal is still warm. Instead, he spends a good amount of time chatting with Dr. Amara Perera, a fairly run-of-the-mill beautiful female genius who sounds like a knock-off of half the female characters on CSI. While she does little to set herself apart, her conversation with Stark is pretty revealing.

It's this conversation that reveals some of Tony Stark's deeper insecurities. They talk about inventions that they dare not reveal because of the damage they would do. Unlike the inventor of the ski-mask, they know the dangers of being a genius. They can create things that a world full of non-geniuses world might not be ready for. And being able to surmise which invention won't do more harm than good takes a genius that Tony Stark simply does not possess.

Between Extremis 3.0 and the big gun that he used to fight the Phoenix Force, Tony has shown an uncanny inability to make this determination. It's his greatest vulnerability in that his genius tends to create as many problems as it solves. Creating a suit of armor that can save lives and punch Dr. Doom in the jaw is all well and good. But creating a giant gun to fight a cosmic force? That demonstrates that Tony Stark's genius has more than its share of flaws and as smart as he is, he tends to learn from it at a 4th grade level at best.

This vulnerability with Dr. Perera makes for some nice insight into Tony Stark, even if it fails to seduce her into his bed. It helps set a compelling tone for the kind of Tony Stark this series will be dealing with, namely one who can't seduce beautiful women as easily as flashing a charming smile and a wad of bills. But as compelling as this Tony Stark is, the conflicts surrounding him are less thrilling.

While Tony is enjoying his date, another sub-plot is unfolding with Madam Masque. It's as generic a sub-plot as can happen in the Marvel Universe. A well-known villain steals something valuable from a well-known location. In this case, it's Madam Masque and the well-known location is Latveria, the one-stop shop for every generic high-stakes theft. There's not much about this sub-plot to get excited about, but it is an excuse for Tony to test out his new armor so it more than serves its purpose.

Beyond that purpose, there isn't much progression with the story. Tony doesn't even get to shoot anything in his new armor, which for him is like driving a Ferrari under the speed limit on the highway. There's an effort at a shocking ending, but it feels forced. Without having much reason to care about Madam Masque or what she's doing, the only thing this conflict accomplishes is robbing Tony of a chance to score with another beautiful woman.

Even if Tony Stark does strike out in this issue, Invincible Iron Man #1 sets an intriguing tone for his character. His inherent vulnerabilities, coupled with his current situation, put him in a position where being a genius just isn't enough. No amount of genius will build around the revelations surrounding his parents or the extent to which he's alienated his friends. He's still arrogant, but he's trying to avoid instances where his genius does more harm than good. Compared to the man who invented ski-masks, he's still got a long ways to go.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Invincible Iron Man #1: Nuff Said!

What happens when Marvel’s biggest writer takes on Marvel’s most notorious billionaire, alcoholic, pussy hound, armored Avenger? That’s what Invincible Iron Man #1 attempts to answer. And as a service to comic book fans and nerdrage that sustains them, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a quick, quirky, spoilerrific rundown of what goes through the head of a drunk as he soaks in this latest effort to make billionaires more likable. So sit back, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, and follow me as I offer my own unique/fucked up interpretation of this comic. Enjoy!

So someone thought they could have a reasonable negotiation with Madam Masque and not get blood stains on the carpet. Who the fuck is that stupid? Seriously, this must be the same guy who thinks he’s friends with a Nigerian prince. He brings Madam Masque what she wants. He asks for money. She shoots him in the head. A guy dumb enough to make a deal with her deserves nothing less.

I guess we can completely throw out Superior Iron Man. The way Tony talks to himself, I guess that shit never happened. He’s eating a burger and not drinking a bottle of whiskey. Either the 8-month gap undid the inversion from AXIS or he’s already drunk and getting a head start on the hangover. If so, he’s the most productive drunk in history because he manages to make a brand spanking new suit of armor. There’s nothing special about it. The crotch bulge is a little telling. But then again, it’s not like the iPhone changes its design that much every year. That doesn’t make it any less awesome.

After he makes a brand spanking new set of armor, he goes on a date. He’s Tony fucking Stark. When he’s not building awesome suits of armor, he’s dating beautiful women and diving head-first into their panties. This beautiful woman’s name is Dr. Amara Perera. She’s apparently both beautiful and brilliant. I guess that’s standard in both the Marvel Universe and every CBS cop show ever created. She’s hot, but no hotter than any of the other women that Tony Stark bangs every other Thursday.

Tony Stark goes on a date. Madam Masque continues to shoot people who try to get in her way. Like a fat kid trying to get his candy bar back, she lets nothing stop her. She even manages to rob Stark Industries’ branch in Japan. That’s pretty brilliant because let’s face it. A supervillain crashing through a window and shooting masked ninjas isn’t even top 10 in terms of the weird shit that comes out of Japan. Look up one of their anime conventions and tell me I’m wrong.

The date with Tony and Amara is going surprisingly well. He doesn’t appear to be drunk and he hasn’t started waving his dick in her face. Instead, they actually have a serious conversation. What a fucking concept, right? They talk about how being geniuses and inventing genius shit can do more harm than good. While I doubt Dr. Perera ever tried to shoot the Phoenix Force with a giant gun, I’m pretty sure she’s created a few weapons of mass destruction during her down time. Apparently, one was a mutant cure. And she must have seen X3 because she understands how fucked up that can make everything.

It’s probably the most meaningful date that Tony Stark has been on in terms of him keeping his pants on. At one point, he does try to sneak into Dr. Perera’s panties. It doesn’t quite work. She doesn’t even let him cop a feel. I’m pretty sure Tony’s dick hates him. Then he finds out Madam Masque is on the loose and his penis gives him a pass.

He finally gets to power up his new suit of armor. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, but Robert Downy Jr. has found a way to make it seem awesome while making a fuckton of money. It gives him an excuse to ditch his date and since she wasn’t loosening her panties, why not? Fighting Madam Masque gives him something better to do with his boner.

He ends up in Latveria because I guess nobody is stupid enough to look for a criminal in Latveria. It is the anal wart of the Marvel Universe. Nobody wants to go there, but nobody can get rid of it. So of course this is where Madam Masque goes to hide. And since we still have no fucking clue what happens after Secret Wars, we’re left to assume his downfall fucked his country over.

Those assumptions are somewhat questionable because Stark does encounter someone who might be able to help. And it’s…well, it’s fucking Doom, minus the badass suit of armor. He now looks like he’s the CEO of a pharmaceutical company or a Tobacco lobbyist. Gotta say this version actually looks way more evil, assuming this isn’t a Doombot. And that’s another big fucking assumption.

So...is it awesome?

For those who hear Robert Downy Jr.’s sexy voice in every word Tony Stark says, then yes. This is a pretty awesome comic. For those who enjoy seeing Iron Man flaunt his awesome suit of armor the same way Nikki Manaj flaunts her awesome ass, not so much. Most of this comic is focused on establishing the kind of Tony Stark that Brian Michael Bendis will be dealing with here. And so far, he’s definitely an upgrade. He doesn’t come off as the kind of Tony Stark who would shoot the Phoenix Force with a giant fucking gun. He comes off as a Tony Stark who is trying not to fuck up as much as he has in the past. He shouldn’t, lest he make Robert Downy Jr. less sexy and we just can’t have that.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Avengers: Age of Ultron Review - Flawed Yet Still Awesome

Having great expectations is usually the first step towards being more disappointed than your typical Chicago Cubs fan. We know crushing disappointment hurts. We get reminded of how much it hurts on a regular basis every time we play fantasy football. But we’re still gluttons for this soul-crushing brand of punishment because the reward is worth the risk. Like having a shot at copping a feel from that cute cheerleader, it’s worth the black eye and the restraining order.

Avengers: Age of Ultron couldn’t possibly have greater expectations. The first Avengers movie set the bar so high that Willie Nelson, Wiz Kalifa, and Snoop Dog combined couldn’t smoke enough pot to reach it. This movie can’t just be awesome. It has to somehow become a religious experience. It has to inspire Scientology level awe to the point where Joss Whedon starts harassing the IRS for tax exempt status. It was bound to be weighed down the moment fans came out of the first Avengers movie craving Shwarma. So how can Avengers: Age of Ultron possibly measure up?

Well I saw the movie. I had a chance to give it my full sober attention, something I usually don’t give without a judge’s order. And after having time to digest the movie and pick my brains up off the floor, I can offer an assessment. The short answer is yes, it does measure up in most respects, but not in some. The long answer requires more than a few beers to make sense of.

Tis a worthy answer indeed

Avengers: Age of Ultron is a fun, wildly entertaining movie. That’s something most everybody can agree on. It hits the ground sprinting and it keeps moving at a blistering pace from start to finish. There’s action, drama, intrigue, heart, and humor. It has everything the first Avengers movie had. It just isn’t as polished and not just because of the impossible expectations.

First the good. Avengers: Age of Ultron hits all the right notes in terms of theme and scope. It puts the Avengers in a high-stakes conflict that’s every bit as dire as Loki’s invasion of New York. That conflict takes them to multiple corners of the world. It’s not just restricted to New Mexico or New York. It truly feels like a global conflict that only the Avengers can handle. No amount of diplomacy, drone strikes, or bribery can stop this threat. It’s a tense, engaging conflict that keeps fans on the edge of their seat and tests your bladder in ways few things can.

The key ingredient here is Ultron. As a villain, he’s right up there with Loki in terms of charisma and presence. He shows up on screen and he carries himself like he’s got a 13-inch cock and a 10-figure net worth. He’s not just some mindless robot. He’s not a wannabe deception and he’s not an overly subtle version of Agent Smith from the Matrix. Ultron feels like a truly refined character, one that sees the world through a strange lens that leads him to conclude that he’s right in destroying it. He’s also able to manipulate and coerce, but without having to rely solely on mind control. Sure, he does take advantage of it the same way any competent villain would take advantage of a weapon that was readily available. But he doesn’t rely on it completely and never fails to seize the moment. He is, by far, the best part of this movie.

He'll make you terrified and horny at the same time.

Other characters shine as well. Some characters who didn’t get much face time in the first movie really got to let their nuts hang. Hawkeye was by far the best example. For one, he was among the few Avengers who didn’t get mind-fucked at one point. After the first movie, that’s a hell of an upgrade. We also got some extra insight into his life and he actually comes off as the most likable character in the Avengers. Sure, his only powers involves a fancy bow and being friends with Black Widow. But he’s the kind of guy you root for and you root for all the right reasons.

Captain America and Iron Man shine as well, but only to the extent that we’ve always seen them shine. They’re pretty much the same characters we know and love from previous movies and that’s a good thing. Those movies fucking worked. There was no need to change it in this movie and it didn’t. What helped them shine was how they constantly argued. It’s an argument that lays the foundation for Captain America: Civil War and it’s one that’s actually compelling.

There really is a lot to like about this movie. I could do several blog posts of all the things Avengers: Age of Ultron did right. But being a drunk, I do have to highlight the flaws here and this movie definitely has some.

The most egregious flaw has to do with the shallow romantic sub-plot between Black Widow and Hulk. I know this was already teased in the trailer. I wasn’t against it. I’m of the opinion that any relationship can be made to work if done right. I mean fuck, the comics had Iceman hook up with Mystique at one point. But this was one romantic sub-plot that failed at one too many turns.

It’s not that they didn’t have chemistry. They had some. It just never felt wholly believable. It felt like it was just a way to add some romantic element, as if there needed to be some in a movie about a killer robot. The end result was very damaging to both characters. Bruce Banner came off as the kind of vulnerable dork we’ve seen in every episode of the Big Bang Theory. Black Widow came off as a character whose only purpose is to flirt with a guy when she’s not fighting. For someone like Joss Whedon, who claims to be an ardent feminists who hangs out with uber-feminist ball-busters like Anita Sarkisian, it’s dangerously close to hypocrisy.

Hell, he actually turned Black Widow into a damsel at one point. Seriously, the Hulk had to rescue her in a cage like she was fucking Princess Peach. I’m okay with that in a Mario game, but this is a fucking Avengers movie and this is fucking Black Widow. She could cut a man’s balls off with her eyebrows. And that’s what she got reduced to in this movie. If it came from Michael Bay, I wouldn’t be surprised. But Joss Whedon? Dude, you’re supposed to be the kind of evolved man that feminists don’t bitch about.

A male feminist shouldn't have such a creepy gaze.

Speaking of bitching, that’s a good summation of the second most glaring flaw in Avengers: Age of Ultron. That has to do with the Maximoff twins. Now ignoring for a moment how Marvel had to probably blow several lawyers to get away with using these characters, they basically tried to work around these limitations in the sloppiest way possible. They gave them new backstories that didn’t use the M-word, they tweaked their powers, and they gave them shitty accents. But that’s not what made them insufferable.

Spoiler: Quicksilver does NOTHING this awesome in this movie.

From the moment they were first introduced, the Maximoff twins were basically motivated by a desire to bitch and moan. Everything they did was to bitch and moan about Tony Stark and all the weapons he made. Never mind that he wasn’t the asshole that fired them. Blaming them would make too much sense. I don’t blame Miller Lite for my shitty liver, but that’s what these two basically did the entire movie.

That’s not to say they didn’t have their moments. They did. In fact, Quicksilver played a part in the movie’s most emotional moments. He and Wanda still came off as heroes, but they were fucking annoying little brats who essentially gave Ultron exactly what he needed to fuck everything up. A big chunk of this movie basically involved the Avengers helping the twins clean up their fuck-up.

Bryan Singer is still probably laughing his ass off.

There are other smaller flaws. It’s a bit jarring how the Avengers essentially come together in the beginning, as though the events of Iron Man 3 and Captain America: The Winter Soldier were essentially shelved. But after the action gets going, it’s hard to really give a shit about these details.

And that’s the biggest takeaway from Avengers: Age of Ultron. It’s strengths are much greater than its weaknesses. They more than make up for them. Even if you’re going to be a petty douche-bag, you can’t deny that the movie is fun and delivers the same brand of awesome that its predecessor offered. I know it’s easy to find flaws in every movie, but you have to make a real effort to find flaws in the first Avengers movie. You don’t even need to be sober to find flaws in this one. It’s just that Avengers: Age of Ultron works well enough to the point where you can overlook these flaws, with or without the aid of alcohol. And if you can use both, all the better.

How can anyone stay mad at that face?

It’s hard to really rate this movie without rating it in the context of its predecessor. But I suppose if the first Avengers movie was a perfect 10 out of 10, then Avengers: Age of Ultron would be an 8 out of 10. It fucks up in some ways, but not to the point where it derails the whole movie. And the things it does well will give fans wonderful feelings in their hearts and in their pants. There’s little doubt that Marvel has found a winning formula and they’re sticking to it, for the most part. Now if only DC had the balls to copy it. Nuff said!