X-men: Apocalypse - A Strong and Fitting Finale

The following is my review of X-men: Apocalypse, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Within the ever-evolving standards by which superhero movies are gauged, the X-men franchise has been on every end of the spectrum in terms of quality and relevance. This is fitting since, in many ways, the X-men launched the modern era of superhero movies in 2000. That first X-men movie acts as a bridge from the era of excessive camp in Batman and Robin to era of unshakable charm in Iron Man. For that reason, the X-men franchise will always have an important role in the history of superhero movies and cinema in general.

However, the standard that X-men sets in 2000 is not a standard that can apply to X-men: Apocalypse in 2016. Over a decade-and-a-half of maturation, evolution, and even regression at times makes a movie like this difficult to assess. On its own, it’s the capstone to a trilogy that began with X-men: First Class. In terms of the bigger picture, which encompasses the superhero genre as a whole, X-men: Apocalypse enters an era of cinema where the deck is stacked and the standards are exceedingly unfair. However, even within these circumstances, X-men: Apocalypse finds a way to succeed.

X-men: Apocalypse doesn’t attempt to reinvent the superhero movie. It doesn’t attempt to radically alter the formula for making a movie that entertains, inspires, and delights. It simply takes the formula, follows it to the letter, and lets the results speak for itself. Those results, even in a crowded market of heroes fighting heroes and villains acting as heroes, show in both the quality of the movie and the foundation it lays for the future.

Those who saw Captain America: Civil War and Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice will have a very different cinematic experience in X-men: Apocalypse. In 2016, it might be jarring because there are no heroes fighting each other and no Deadpool poking fun at overplayed superhero themes. In nearly any other year, going back to the Richard Donner era, this movie would check all the right boxes for a superhero movie and wouldn’t need to be graded on a curve. Even with such unreasonable standards, X-men: Apocalypse doesn’t shy away from the challenge.

It starts with a daunting threat in En Sabah Nur, the titular villain played by Oscar Isaac. On paper, he’s not a very complex villain. He doesn’t have the charisma of Tom Hiddleston’s Loki or Heath Ledger’s Joker. He’s basically the personification of Social Darwinism, the belief that the strong will survive and the weak must perish. It’s a simple personification and one that leaves precious little room for Isaac’s charisma, but it’s also perfectly consistent with every single iteration of Apocalypse, from the classic X-men comics to the ‘90s cartoon that inspired generations of X-men fans.

What X-men: Apocalypse does with its primary villain is the template for how the rest of this movie unfolds. It doesn’t try to reinvent Charles Xavier, Cyclops, or Jean Grey. At times, as is the case with Hugh Jackman’s brief cameo as Wolverine, it takes iconic moments right from the comics and brings them to life. These are moments presented in a way that has a distinct impact, even for those who have never read an X-men comic in their life.

It’s the complete opposite approach that Josh Trank used in the latest iteration of Fantastic Four. For X-men: Apocalypse, Director Bryan Singer and Producer Simon Kinberg focus on the elements of X-men that make it so iconic. It shows in everything from Apocalypse’s over-the-top personality to Jubilee’s sunglasses and yellow jacket. At times, X-men: Apocalypse feels like several episodes of the old ‘90s cartoon come to life. However, it manages to avoid falling into the same trap of excessive camp that destroyed Batman movies for a decade.

That’s not to say everything in X-men: Apocalypse stays true to the source material. Certain elements are entirely disconnected from the comics and have been since X-men: First Class. Jennifer Lawrence’s Mystique and Evan Peters’ Quicksilver are nothing like their comic or cartoon counterparts. In fact, they’re so different that they might as well be different characters altogether. Remarkably though, this actually improves the tone and themes of the movie.

The past 16 years of superhero movies are fraught with instances where following the comics storylines doesn’t always work. Technically, Roger Corman’s maligned and unreleased Fantastic Four movie is quite true to the source material. However, there are just as many instances, if not more, where ignoring the source material is detrimental, as every Deadpool fan who saw Wolverine: Origins can attest. The key is knowing when to deviate and X-men: Apocalypse follows the same deviations that the previous two movies established.

This means that Mystique is a complex character with motivations that don’t involve tormenting the X-men for reasons she never even tries to justify. This means that Quicksilver is a fun, entertaining, and likable character without a false accent. This means that Quicksilver can follow up follow up his show-stealing, speed scene from X-men: Days of Future Past with another show-stopping spectacle in this movie. These are elements that are entirely absent from the source material, but they work in X-men: Apocalypse because they provide something that the X-men mythos needs, but isn’t present in other mediums.

Singer and Kinberg pick and choose the elements of the source material to highlight and the elements to reject and overall, they choose wisely. The cast in X-men: Apocalypse is much richer than previous X-men movies. It doesn’t rely heavily on more obscure characters like Azazel, Darwin, or Angel Salvador. It reintroduces the X-men’s heavy hitters in Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Nightcrawler, who are given fresh life thanks to the acting talents of Tye Sherriden, Sophie Turner, and Kodi Smit-McPhee.

These are core characters to the X-men mythos. Without them, the X-men are missing a vital piece of their soul. Their presence and their portrayal help give X-men: Apocalypse the sense that it’s a complete X-men movie, not lacking in necessary elements nor trying to make up for them in other ways. It has all the ingredients and it makes use of them.

These ingredients include the continued dichotomy between Charles Xavier and Magneto, which retains the same complexity and constantly-shifting depth that began with Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen back in 2000. Both men have a vision for the mutant race. Both get opportunities to realize parts of that vision with Apocalypse acting as a catalyst. The clash of those visions, which forms the core of nearly every X-men movie that doesn’t involve Deadpool, brings out the core of what makes X-men work.

This core, along with the characters and themes around it, comprise only half the ingredients, though. The rest of X-men: Apocalypse succeeds or fails based on how those ingredients mesh in a plot. In this respect, the movie succeeds in every necessary way, but those looking for more advanced forms of success are just setting unreasonable expectations for a movie that doesn’t try to be more complex than it needs to be.

Apocalypse is the very antithesis of cunning and subtle. He doesn’t try to infiltrate or subvert his enemies. He’s the oldest, most powerful mutant who ever lived. He doesn’t have to resort to the tactics utilized by Hydra, Loki, or the Joker. He only has to use his power to influence and manipulate on a terrifying level that manifests in a massive spectacle that simply cannot be matched by civil wars or superhero brawls.

There is destruction. There is devastation. There is a conflict that consumes the entire planet, not just some airport in Germany or one generic American city. It’s over-the-top and excessive at times, but it’s also entirely appropriate for Apocalypse. What makes it work are the details behind the destruction. The way the young X-men get caught up in this conflict, the way Charles Xavier and Magneto’s visions clash, and the way the final confrontation unfolds all forge a plot that is concise, quick-paced, and coherent.

Not a frame is wasted. Every scene has a purpose. Every moment aids in the progression of the story. While that progression is rushed at times, the plot never gets derailed or chaotic. It never becomes overly elaborate or excessively dense. In a superhero movie built around destruction and spectacle, this is both an accomplishment and a necessity.

That’s not to say there aren’t some elements that slip through the cracks. X-men: Apocalypse employs a long list of iconic X-men characters. Not all of them get a chance to shine, but even those who don’t, such as Psylocke and Angel, don’t have their potential wasted or nullified. For these characters, X-men: Apocalypse is a teaser of sorts, showing off what they can do. For the brief moments they have, they do it well and leave the door open for future opportunities in other X-men movies.

It’s because of these elements that X-men: Apocalypse is unique in that it will confirm the bias of anyone who sees it with a specific intent. Those who are eager to hate it or are burned out on superhero movies can find a reason to not enjoy it. Those who are eager to embrace its excessive fan service and over-the-top spectacle will be able to do so. However, to hate X-men: Apocalypse requires a certain amount of short-sightedness.

What makes X-men: Apocalypse a landmark accomplishment for the X-men franchise has little to do with how it puts together a story and more to do with avoiding mistakes. When assessing the movie in this respect, there’s a certain context to consider when comparing it to other movies in the franchise. Those considerations include the following:

• Does this movie callously kill off major characters off-panel and never mention them again? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie include plot details that are wholly inconsistent with the timeline established by other movies? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie make egregious changes to a character, such as sewing Deadpool’s mouth shut? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie completely undermine iconic moments in the X-men mythos, such as Rogue choosing to cure her mutation or Jean Grey forcing someone to kill her instead of making a heroic sacrifice? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie attempt to hide the more colorful visuals of the mythos by making things more real and gritty? No, it doesn’t.

While the lack of flaws don’t necessarily make a movie great, they certainly give a movie a level of polish when seen in the context of its predecessors. X-men: Apocalypse has a level of polish that no X-men movie has achieved to date. It tells a concise, complete story with beloved, iconic characters through a cast of talented, charismatic actors. It checks all the right boxes and even includes a few bonuses, despite leaving a few holes for the cynical to exploit.

Even without the context of other X-men movies, X-men: Apocalypse stands as a complete, concise superhero movie. Singer and Kinberg finally assemble all the right ingredients and cook them in all the right ways. It’s fitting that a franchise built on the concept of mutation must undergo the chaotic and unforgiving process of natural selection to find something that works. X-men: Apocalypse, both as a superhero movie and a cinematic spectacle, works in ways that even the most ardent Social Darwinist cannot deny.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Avengers: Age of Ultron Review - Flawed Yet Still Awesome

Having great expectations is usually the first step towards being more disappointed than your typical Chicago Cubs fan. We know crushing disappointment hurts. We get reminded of how much it hurts on a regular basis every time we play fantasy football. But we’re still gluttons for this soul-crushing brand of punishment because the reward is worth the risk. Like having a shot at copping a feel from that cute cheerleader, it’s worth the black eye and the restraining order.

Avengers: Age of Ultron couldn’t possibly have greater expectations. The first Avengers movie set the bar so high that Willie Nelson, Wiz Kalifa, and Snoop Dog combined couldn’t smoke enough pot to reach it. This movie can’t just be awesome. It has to somehow become a religious experience. It has to inspire Scientology level awe to the point where Joss Whedon starts harassing the IRS for tax exempt status. It was bound to be weighed down the moment fans came out of the first Avengers movie craving Shwarma. So how can Avengers: Age of Ultron possibly measure up?

Well I saw the movie. I had a chance to give it my full sober attention, something I usually don’t give without a judge’s order. And after having time to digest the movie and pick my brains up off the floor, I can offer an assessment. The short answer is yes, it does measure up in most respects, but not in some. The long answer requires more than a few beers to make sense of.

Tis a worthy answer indeed

Avengers: Age of Ultron is a fun, wildly entertaining movie. That’s something most everybody can agree on. It hits the ground sprinting and it keeps moving at a blistering pace from start to finish. There’s action, drama, intrigue, heart, and humor. It has everything the first Avengers movie had. It just isn’t as polished and not just because of the impossible expectations.

First the good. Avengers: Age of Ultron hits all the right notes in terms of theme and scope. It puts the Avengers in a high-stakes conflict that’s every bit as dire as Loki’s invasion of New York. That conflict takes them to multiple corners of the world. It’s not just restricted to New Mexico or New York. It truly feels like a global conflict that only the Avengers can handle. No amount of diplomacy, drone strikes, or bribery can stop this threat. It’s a tense, engaging conflict that keeps fans on the edge of their seat and tests your bladder in ways few things can.

The key ingredient here is Ultron. As a villain, he’s right up there with Loki in terms of charisma and presence. He shows up on screen and he carries himself like he’s got a 13-inch cock and a 10-figure net worth. He’s not just some mindless robot. He’s not a wannabe deception and he’s not an overly subtle version of Agent Smith from the Matrix. Ultron feels like a truly refined character, one that sees the world through a strange lens that leads him to conclude that he’s right in destroying it. He’s also able to manipulate and coerce, but without having to rely solely on mind control. Sure, he does take advantage of it the same way any competent villain would take advantage of a weapon that was readily available. But he doesn’t rely on it completely and never fails to seize the moment. He is, by far, the best part of this movie.

He'll make you terrified and horny at the same time.

Other characters shine as well. Some characters who didn’t get much face time in the first movie really got to let their nuts hang. Hawkeye was by far the best example. For one, he was among the few Avengers who didn’t get mind-fucked at one point. After the first movie, that’s a hell of an upgrade. We also got some extra insight into his life and he actually comes off as the most likable character in the Avengers. Sure, his only powers involves a fancy bow and being friends with Black Widow. But he’s the kind of guy you root for and you root for all the right reasons.

Captain America and Iron Man shine as well, but only to the extent that we’ve always seen them shine. They’re pretty much the same characters we know and love from previous movies and that’s a good thing. Those movies fucking worked. There was no need to change it in this movie and it didn’t. What helped them shine was how they constantly argued. It’s an argument that lays the foundation for Captain America: Civil War and it’s one that’s actually compelling.

There really is a lot to like about this movie. I could do several blog posts of all the things Avengers: Age of Ultron did right. But being a drunk, I do have to highlight the flaws here and this movie definitely has some.

The most egregious flaw has to do with the shallow romantic sub-plot between Black Widow and Hulk. I know this was already teased in the trailer. I wasn’t against it. I’m of the opinion that any relationship can be made to work if done right. I mean fuck, the comics had Iceman hook up with Mystique at one point. But this was one romantic sub-plot that failed at one too many turns.

It’s not that they didn’t have chemistry. They had some. It just never felt wholly believable. It felt like it was just a way to add some romantic element, as if there needed to be some in a movie about a killer robot. The end result was very damaging to both characters. Bruce Banner came off as the kind of vulnerable dork we’ve seen in every episode of the Big Bang Theory. Black Widow came off as a character whose only purpose is to flirt with a guy when she’s not fighting. For someone like Joss Whedon, who claims to be an ardent feminists who hangs out with uber-feminist ball-busters like Anita Sarkisian, it’s dangerously close to hypocrisy.

Hell, he actually turned Black Widow into a damsel at one point. Seriously, the Hulk had to rescue her in a cage like she was fucking Princess Peach. I’m okay with that in a Mario game, but this is a fucking Avengers movie and this is fucking Black Widow. She could cut a man’s balls off with her eyebrows. And that’s what she got reduced to in this movie. If it came from Michael Bay, I wouldn’t be surprised. But Joss Whedon? Dude, you’re supposed to be the kind of evolved man that feminists don’t bitch about.

A male feminist shouldn't have such a creepy gaze.

Speaking of bitching, that’s a good summation of the second most glaring flaw in Avengers: Age of Ultron. That has to do with the Maximoff twins. Now ignoring for a moment how Marvel had to probably blow several lawyers to get away with using these characters, they basically tried to work around these limitations in the sloppiest way possible. They gave them new backstories that didn’t use the M-word, they tweaked their powers, and they gave them shitty accents. But that’s not what made them insufferable.

Spoiler: Quicksilver does NOTHING this awesome in this movie.

From the moment they were first introduced, the Maximoff twins were basically motivated by a desire to bitch and moan. Everything they did was to bitch and moan about Tony Stark and all the weapons he made. Never mind that he wasn’t the asshole that fired them. Blaming them would make too much sense. I don’t blame Miller Lite for my shitty liver, but that’s what these two basically did the entire movie.

That’s not to say they didn’t have their moments. They did. In fact, Quicksilver played a part in the movie’s most emotional moments. He and Wanda still came off as heroes, but they were fucking annoying little brats who essentially gave Ultron exactly what he needed to fuck everything up. A big chunk of this movie basically involved the Avengers helping the twins clean up their fuck-up.

Bryan Singer is still probably laughing his ass off.

There are other smaller flaws. It’s a bit jarring how the Avengers essentially come together in the beginning, as though the events of Iron Man 3 and Captain America: The Winter Soldier were essentially shelved. But after the action gets going, it’s hard to really give a shit about these details.

And that’s the biggest takeaway from Avengers: Age of Ultron. It’s strengths are much greater than its weaknesses. They more than make up for them. Even if you’re going to be a petty douche-bag, you can’t deny that the movie is fun and delivers the same brand of awesome that its predecessor offered. I know it’s easy to find flaws in every movie, but you have to make a real effort to find flaws in the first Avengers movie. You don’t even need to be sober to find flaws in this one. It’s just that Avengers: Age of Ultron works well enough to the point where you can overlook these flaws, with or without the aid of alcohol. And if you can use both, all the better.

How can anyone stay mad at that face?

It’s hard to really rate this movie without rating it in the context of its predecessor. But I suppose if the first Avengers movie was a perfect 10 out of 10, then Avengers: Age of Ultron would be an 8 out of 10. It fucks up in some ways, but not to the point where it derails the whole movie. And the things it does well will give fans wonderful feelings in their hearts and in their pants. There’s little doubt that Marvel has found a winning formula and they’re sticking to it, for the most part. Now if only DC had the balls to copy it. Nuff said!

Avengers Movie News: Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch Joining the Cast?

I know this isn't a site people go to for movie news. This is a site where people go to so they can see a semi-functioning drunk review comics. But every so often, some news comes along that I feel is worth reporting because it is either so big that it deserves to be reported on no matter how drunk I am or it's just so WTF that it must be brought up. This is the latter.

Spinoff: Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch Confirmed for Avengers 2

In case there was any doubt that writer/director Joss Whedon was referring to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch last week when he teased there’s “a brother-sister act” in The Avengers 2, we now have confirmation.

According to Entertainment Weekly, an unnamed source states the twin children of Magneto will indeed join Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in Marvel’s 2015 sequel. When the question was posed to studio President Kevin Feige, he would only say, “I’m not confirming or denying. The draft could change six months from now.”

Of course, that does confirm Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch appear in Whedon’s first take on the script, which the writer acknowledged is “an evolution, and that goes on in editing,  it goes on all through shooting and it never stops. [...] You do come to a point where you all agree, OK … I’ve got these two characters — my two favorite characters from the comic book, a brother-sister act, they’re in the movie, that’s exciting — you lock certain things in. But then, there’s a certain fluidity …”

Judging by Whedon’s enthusiasm, it seems likely Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch will be among those things locked in throughout the development process.

While Fox owns the film rights to the X-Men franchise, Feige indicated in April 2012 that, presumably because of the characters’ long histories with the Avengers — they joined the team within a year of their introduction as X-Men villains — Marvel could use Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch as well.

“It’s a little complicated,” he said, “but if they [Fox] want to use them in the X-Men movie they could, [but] if we want to use them in The Avengers movie, we could.”

The Avengers 2 opens May 1, 2015.

Make no mistake. Avengers 2 has the capacity to set a standard of awesome that would make the universe shit itself. Marvel Studios has a wealth of characters and history to draw from, even with many characters belonging to other studios (fuck you, Fox and Sony). Yet they're risking multiple orgasms from lawyers by bringing in Quicksilver and the fucking Scarlett Witch? Two characters who for the past decade are best known for fucking things up with the Avengers rather than helping them? And then there's the incest. By Odin's divine shit, the fucking incest.

The image this panel burns in your mind will never go away. EVER.

How the fuck did someone wake up one day at Marvel studios and say, "Gee, you know what would be awesome? Putting two characters with incestuous tendencies and a knack for fucking up reality in our biggest franchise!" Anyone who said that should have either been fired or drug tested.

Now I have nothing against Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch. I understand they have a history with the Avengers. But throwing them in a movie where lawyers make sure that the X-men (which Fox has the rights to) never dare touch Marvel's greedy hands just seems needlessly complicated when there are already a long list of Avengers characters to explore.

Is anyone out there really going to argue in a sober state of mind that Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch are bigger names than Miss Marvel, Black Panther, Wasp, Ant Man, or She-Hulk? There is way too much fucking material for Marvel to work with on a movie this big so they have no fucking excuse. Now don't get me wrong. I am going to be among those waiting in line to see Avengers 2, but it won't be for Quicksilver and the Scarlett fucking Witch. If decades down the line Marvel has sodomized enough lawyers to get the X-men rights back from Fox, I would fully support a bigger crossover. But not like this. Nuff said!

Wolverine Trailer - Blood, Babes, and Ninjas

I have a love-hate relationship with the X-men movies and by that I mean I love it when I'm not reminded of how much I hated how these movies were butchered. Of all the comic book movies and yes, I'm including the Dolph Lungern Punisher and Nicholas Cage's Ghost Rider, I found the X-men movies to be the most disappointing. It's one thing to be underwhelmed by a movie. It's quite another to feel like you just had a quart of molten iron shoved up your ass. That's how I feel about the X-men movies.

And I'm not just talking about X3 and Wolverine "Who the fuck came up with Barakapool?" Origins. It's blasphemy among some fans, but I think Singer fucked the dead donkey with his approach to X1 and X2. His approach was basically fuck the comics. Just make use the characters and try to leech off the inherent awesome of Patrick Stewart and Hugh Jackman. As much as I love those two, that shit only goes so far in a movie. You actually have to have a fucking story and unless your Michael Bay, that story has to have some sort of meaning to it. The X-men movies didn't really have that. Wolverine just falls in love with some chick he knows for less than a few days, Nightcrawler completely fucking disappears after one movie, and Rogue proves that you can solve all your problems with drugs. Real fucking genuine, Singer! Maybe you should piss off Spider-Man fans by having Doc Ock take over Peter's body! Oh wait...bad example.

But like a guy who keeps waking up hung over at an S&M club in Amsterdam, I keep coming back for more. Matthew Vaughn's X-men First Class actually proved that an X-men movie can still work. It took a novel approach of actually telling a story that the comics never even bothered to tell until recently, namely the history of the friendship between Xavier and Magneto. It still had some pretty fucked up twists on certain characters, but it also had Emma Frost and a naked Mystique so that's a win in my book. Now Fox hopes to capture that same magic with The Wolverine.

Granted, the bar is NOT that high. You could just have two hours of Hugh Jackman taking a shit and eating a burger and it would still be better than fucking Barakapool. It's based on one of the best eras of Wolverine comics, namely the Chis Claremont and Frank Miller run in the 80s that had Wolverine in Japan. It's a defining story for Wolverine and one that has everything you could want in a movie. There's ninjas, hot chicks, and more violence than a drunk Chris Brown at a strip club. It also has Hugh fucking Jackman. This movie has no excuse not to be awesome and this trailer shows that if Fox fucks this up somehow, then they're beyond redemption. Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man Movie Review: Unamazed and Underwhelming

I know this is later than Bristol Palin's last period. I know the Amazing Spider-Man movie came out a week ago and since then pretty much everybody, their brother, and their third cousin has reviewed or offered their input. I would have been among those, but this annoying shit called life got in the way. I won't say what it involved, but let's just say I wasn't in a position to make it to a movie theater last week and I may still have a bounty on my head in certain towns in Mexico. But I finally did manage to see it and since I have no other reviews this week, I figured I would at least let this horse finish the race.

Amazing Spider-Man was billed a fresh, juicy reboot. The first three Spider-Man movies with Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst made more money than the gross national product of Cambodia and earned more than its share of praise. I personally enjoyed all three of them. Some were better than others, but they were all movies you could sit through completely sober and still come out feeling good. Rather than risk making a Superman IV, Sony and Columbia pictures decided to just start from scratch again. This upset some people, but I thought it was a good decision. There's no use drawing out a series until it starts rotting like a cheese sandwich left in a parked car in Phoenix, Arizona. I think Batman and Robin as well as the X-men movies have shown how horribly that shit can go bad. Instead, Amazing Spider-Man was going to be different by keeping Peter Parker young and in high school while swapping Mary Jane for Gwen Stacy. It's basically a redhead for a blonde. Hugh Hefner would call that a fair trade.

Who needs redheads anyways?

Unfortunately, rebooting the series also meant retelling Spider-Man's origin story, which is only slightly more well-known than the story of Jesus Christ. It also meant watching the same growing pains we saw in the first Spider-Man movie, albeit without Toby McGuire posing shirtless in front of the mirror. I guess Sony and Columbia decided they weren't going to win over the 50 Shades of Gray crowd with Andrew Garfield, but even if they did retell the origins story that doesn't mean the movie can't be good, right?

Well I'm sad to say that if all reboots were graded on a curve, Amazing Spider-Man would be that drooling, paste-eating kid in the classroom that set it. This movie wasn't awful. I didn't vomit uncontrollably like I did when I saw the third X-men movie. But this movie had so many facepalm moments that even I couldn't get drunk enough to enjoy it. They had the right actors. Andrew Garfield has a good presence on screen and Emma Stone is among one of the best rising stars that hasn't been busted for cocaine yet. Dennis Leary even took a break from fantasizing about every member of the New York Yankees suffering from explosive diarrhea to play Captain George Stacy. They just had a horrible script and a horribly disorganized plot.

Still not enough facepalms

The biggest problem had to do with Peter Parker's portrayal. In the comics, the first three movies, and pretty much every other major incarnation of Spider-Man, Peter Parker has been a scrawny geek who would be the last man alive to soak the panties of any of his female peers. Toby McGuire captured that persona well in the first Spider-Man movie. You really did believe that he was a nerd. Andrew Garfield never at any point sold that vital part of Peter Parker's character.

Instead, they opted to make Peter cooler. He didn't wear glasses. He wore contacts most of the time. He didn't walk around and run to catch up with buses that left him behind. He used a skateboard. And I can't remember the last time I met a science nerd who was into skateboarding. I met one girl in college who had the periodic table tattooed on her lower back as a tramp stamp. That's about it. Also, Peter was often bullied and made fun of in the comics. That happens here, but only because he tries to fight back against bullies. At one point he tries to stop Flash Thompson, Spider-Man's everyday douche-bag, when he's picking on someone else. So he was basically trying to play hero before he got his powers. That may be admirable, but that's a trait of Captain America and not Peter Parker.

Moreover, when Peter finally does get his powers, he comes off as the least likeable hero since the fucking Whizzer. A single spider bite not only gives him spider powers, but it teaches him how to fight. With no training whatsoever, he starts beating up assholes on a subway. At least in the previous movie, Peter got some experience as a wrestler. He doesn't get any of that shit here. Suddenly, he's so incredibly competent in his abilities to fight, you almost can't root for him because it's an insult to every hero and villain that ever put themselves through hell so they could learn to kick ass.

Real heroics takes years of training and a multi-billion dollar trust fund.

In addition to Peter's skills being completely contrived, his interactions with Gwen Stacy were pitiful. I'm not saying the dialog between him and Mary Jane in the first three Spider-Man movies was fucking Shakespeare, but at least it was coherent. Here's how their dialog went.

Peter: So um you want to...

Gwen: Want to?

Peter: You know how...

Gwen: Yeah...I mean, sure.

Peter: So we can...

Gwen: Why not?

Gwen and Peter's conversations were so jumbled and retarded that I know kindergarteners that are more intelligible. Fuck, the Hulk was more intelligible in both his movies. Every time they were on screen together, I had to take a shot of bourbon that I sneaked into the theater (I can't be the only one that does that) so that my ears wouldn't start bleeding. Even at his most awkward in the comics, Peter is at least articulate when he's not making wise-cracks. He's supposed to be smart. He sounds fucking brain damaged in every moment with Gwen.

Yet for reasons that make less sense than quantum mechanics, Gwen falls for him. There's really no reason or chemistry between them. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the fuck she would be into him. Even after he revealed that was Spider-Man (at this point, fuck spoiler warnings), her reaction and demeanor was pretty much the same. In the comics Gwen and Peter had chemistry because Gwen was a sweet girl who saw through his nerdy exterior. If you didn't now anything about their history, you would be confused as to why she would be into him. He didn't save her life like he did with Mary Jane in the first movie (at first). He didn't try to impress her all that much. She just fell into his lap. Unless you've got a $100 bucks hanging out of your zipper at a strip club, that shit doesn't happen.

There's nothing you can say or do that won't make me want to jump your bone.

Aside from bad characterization and equally bad jokes about PMS, the overall flow of this movie looks like it was organized by a fucking drunk with carpel tunnel syndrome. The whole movie was ridiculously choppy. It would go from scene to scene in such a chaotic way that you can actually tell that there was more that was chopped out to keep the movie from being longer than the last Lord of the Rings movies. I normally don't notice that shit in a movie because most movies are coherent enough to at least make it looks like they're not cut together with scotch-tape. But this one was so painfully apparent that no amount of alcohol could mask it.

Now I know I'm ranting a bit here, but that's not to say that this movie didn't have it's moments. It had a lot of solid premises that had a great deal of potential. This movie actually utilized the complicated history of Peter Parker's parents, which definitely added some family elements that weren't shown in previous movies. It also had a great villain in the Lizard. If there was one highlight, it was definitely the journey of Curt Conners as he became the big menace that Peter had to deal with. But good ideas are only as good as the way in which they're portrayed and they were portrayed horribly here. I can't overlook that nor drink enough to make me forget.

Amazing Spider-Man may have not been awful, but given the benchmark the other three movies set it was painfully underwhelming. Sony and Columbia had a clean slate here and they essentially cobbled together a bunch of Spider-Man associated imagery and packaged it as a movie without giving much thought to the actual story. I doubt they give three licks of a Lion's scrotum because this movie is going to make them a fuckton of money no matter what critics say. However, the tag-line of this movie (which was never even said out loud mind you) is that with great power comes great responsibility. The folks that made this movie had the power to do this story we all know and love justice and they were just flat out irresponsible. They may be able to sleep in a pile of money while supermodels suck their dicks, but they're no better than the Lizard in this movie. That's why I give this movie a 2 out of 5. It's not Batman and Robin, but it's by far the weakest comic book movie I've seen since Green Lantern.

There's still hope for this series. This movie wasn't so bad that I would not give the sequel a chance. But it needs to go through some major fucking improvements to make up for this shit. There's a lot of story to tell with Spider-Man. They got the reboot out of the way and now they need take it 10 steps further. There are any number of ways they could make this awesome. Given how badly this turned out, they have the responsibility to use as many of those ways as possible for the sequels.

When in doubt, add another hot chick.

Thor Movie Review - Awesome Worthy of Gods

The summer of 2011 has arrived and you know what that means! The women start wearing less, men start to stink more, and Hollywood unleashes an all our barrage of their biggest films. It's the time of year where all the big studios are like crack whore going through relapse and the only way to survive is to try and bilk movie-goers of every possible red scent. It's a time when us mindless consumers of pop culture enjoy an abundance of action, drama, boobs, explosions, bloodshed, monsters, comedy, and gimmicks and that's just from Adam Sandler movies. To kick things off this summer, Marvel kicks things off with a wad of C4 to ass with Thor. Since Marvel actually started making their own shit under Marvel Studios and not licensing it to asshole third parties like Fox, they've been hitting grand slams that have left comic fans more satisfied than a hippie at a hemp factory.

Last Summer they had Iron Man II. This movie took the star power of Robert Downy Jr., Mickey Rourke, and Scarlett Johannsen to deliver a satisfying if not somewhat predictable thriller. The predictability and gimmick aspects were countered by the overlying continuity the Marvel movies have established. That's what has set them apart from the other superhero movies of the past. These stories are all tied together and will culminate in a cocaine fueled gangbang of awesome, otherwise known as the Avengers movie. Thor is just the next step and it's a big step towards kicking more ass.

Like the Iron Man and Incredible Hulk movies before it, the Thor movie is set up so that the audience doesn't have to know dick about the comics in order to understand what's going on. It takes a similar formula from Iron Man II in that it uses some big name actors like Anthony Hopkins as Odin and Natalie Portman as Jane Foster. Because Hollywood has since realized that any movie with Natalie Portman is sure to attract any young man with a functional penis. There's even something for the Twilight crowd in Chris Helmsworth, who has a tendency to walk around with his shirt off. There are some scenes where all the Bella Swan wannabes out there will need to change their panties. But between the bonerific actresses and studly men, there is a story to be told.

The Thor movie does have the expected and somewhat eye-rolling origins angle. But you can't really roll your eyes this time because the visuals of Asgard, Earth, and all the vivid scenery that were once only depicted in comic books flashes across the screen (and in 3D if you're not a cheap bastard). It's far more stunning than anything in Iron Man or Hulk. The architecture of Asgard and the realm of the Frost Giants is so wonderfully rendered it feels like a comic book pumped with whatever shit Barry Bonds was on.

If you're able to stop drooling over the visuals, the story hits the ground running by showing what an arrogant daddy's boy Thor is. He's not unlike Tony Stark in the first Iron Man movie, over-privileged and an overbearing dick. On the day he's supposed to be crowned king, a couple of sneaky Frost Giants manage to infiltrate the palace. Thor, pissed off that his coronation has been delayed, wants to silence the Frost Giants once and for all even if it means breaking that treaty that Odin lost his damn eye to forge. He manages to convince Volstagg, Hogun, Fandrall, Sif, and Loki to join him on a Bruce Willis style mission. To say it screwed the pooch would be like saying Word War II was a pillow fight. It leads to an action-packed fight, but Odin has to be the one to step in and he's understandably pissed.

As a result of his pig-headedness and douche-baggery, Odin strips Thor of his godly powers and casts him down to Earth. He also casts down his hammer, Mjolnir, but makes sure that nobody can lift it unless they are worthy. And for breaking a treaty, disobeying his father, and being a self-important jackass it's pretty obvious even to an inanimate object that Thor isn't worthy.

From here, Thor crosses paths with Jane Foster. In this movie she's an astrophysicists as opposed to an EMT in the comics. Now this seems a little off because I've met astrophysicists before. I've yet to meet any of them who looked anything close to Natalie Portman. I understand that this is a movie, but even the guys at Marvel probably understand that it's hard to make an astrophysicists super-hot without triggering a few bullshit detectors. But she's Natalie Portman. She won a fucking Oscar for crying out loud. She still fills the role, albeit in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way.

Foster and Thor hit it off immediately. However, Thor goes through some growing pains in terms of being a mortal. He seems to believe that all he has to do is go find his hammer and he can go home. He's willing to blow through SHIELD, giving our old friend Agent Colson from Iron Man I and II a few headaches. We even get to see Hawkeye for the first time. Granted, he's not given much facetime. This is Thor's movie after all, but it's nice to see a few other Avengers that Joss Whedon will put his golden touch on when the time comes. Even with his trusty bow and arrow, Thor still makes it to his hammer only to find out that he can't life it. He's not worthy yet. It's a very humbling experience and one that leaves him more frustrated than all the X-men fans who saw X3.

While Thor is being humbled, we also get another story surrounding Loki. There's a reason he's the God of Mischief. He's the kind of guy who will fuck with you in no fewer than ten different ways and even when it's painfully obvious that he's full of shit, he'll find ten more ways to keep the mischief going. That's what makes him a god. Without getting into too many details, his mischief is tied into every major mishap within this movie. However, what's really remarkable about it is Loki doesn't come off as a completely manipulative douche-bag. What he did was a simple trick that turned into something that even he didn't expect. When a few painful secrets come to light, you almost feel for the guy. It doesn't make trying to crown himself the new All-Father any less a dick move, but everything he does has a purpose behind it and it's not just to blow shit up (although that is a big part of it towards the end).

Loki's mischief eventually leads to an epic confrontation with Thor that goes from the deserts of New Mexico to the rainbow bridge of Asgard. There's action and heart every step of the way. Jane Foster, who seems so utterly obsessed with crunching the numbers when she isn't hitting Thor with her car, learns that there's some magic to the universe. It can't all have fancy names that guys like Albert Einstein can rub in everyone's face. There's something deeper and some of that extends to her attraction to Thor. And let's face it, the guy is a heavily muscled god. Any woman with a partial interest in men would find that attractive to the point of needing to change her panties again.

Overall, it's the most satisfying Thor experience you can get without having Odin himself cram it in your head. There's a perfect balance of the fantasy world of Asgard and the real yet less awe-inspiring world of Earth. You've got it all. Hot women, hot men, action, drama, romance, magic, technology, killer robots, plot twists, and mystery. If that's not enough for you, then you're just being an ass. It's a superhero movie. Don't expect it to read like some artsy foreign film. It's over-the-top, yet wonderfully balanced fun. Plus, it's in 3D! There really is something for everyone to enjoy. You couldn't ask for more if it came with a free joint with every ticket.

Oh, and you'll definitely want to stay till after the credits! Just like with Iron Man I and II, there's an extra scene featuring our old friend Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. It's yet another link to the upcoming Avengers movie that is poised to blow the minds of the next ten generations of comic fans. This comes in addition to the other hints that will likely come with the Captain America movie, which is set to come out later this summer.

Even as the first big blockbuster of the summer, Thor sets the bar ridiculously high. It does so much and does it so well that it's hard to imagine another movie short of Avengers ever topping it. I can safely say without a speck of bullshit that Thor is the best movie that Marvel has ever made. It's better than Iron Man or Hulk. I would put it right up there with the Spider-Man and Batman movies s well. Thor may not be a superhero that shows up on lunch boxes and T-shirts the same way as Spider-Man, Hulk, or Wolverine. But this movie demonstrates why he's one of Marvel's heaviest hitters both literally, figuratively, and everything in between. That's why I give it a perfect 5 out of 5. If you are a comic fan of any type or just a fan of big blockbuster movies, you should get off your ass and see this movie! Nuff said.

X-men First Class Details - Officially Shit

Well after months of speculation, some details about the upcoming X-men First Class movie have finally emerged. It's been a fucked up couple of weeks with new cast members being used that seem like someone opened up a Marvel Dictionary, got a secretary piss faced drunk, spun her around on a chair, and then had her randomly point out characters to use. That list now includes C and D-listers like Darwin, Banshee, Havok, Angel Salvador, and Azazel (Nightcrawlers father) along with more established names like Magneto, Mystique, and Professor Xavier. All the while there has been intense speculation on who will play Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Storm. Because seriously, you can't have a movie called X-men First Class with the characters most associated with the First Class right?

WRONG SHITHEAD!

Those are Singer's (implied) words, not mine. With filming set to begin next month, Singer finally spilled on the details and some of them may disgust fans about half as much as X3 while requiring the others who actually see this movie to have a blood-alcohol content of no less than .15 in order to make it through. Here are some tidbits from an interview by Screenrant.

• X-Men: First Class is not like the “X-Men: First Class” comics, hence the significant character differences.
• It takes place in the 1960s where Kennedy is still president.
• Equality and racism are key issues with Martin Luther King and Malcolm X dominating mainstream media with the Civil Rights movement (foreshadowing (even mirroring) the mutant situation to come).
• Director Matthew Vaughn is very interested in the setting and what Singer describes as the “James Bond tech of the time”, as Harry puts it.
• Shooting will begin with Charles Xavier attending Oxford University.
• We’ll get to see classic X-Men costumes, much more similar to the comics than we’ve seen in previous movies.
• The movie will be the franchise’s most international yet, with shooting taking place in the U.S. and England, and the story also involving at least The Soviet Union as well.
• We’ll get a first look at some X-Men: First Class costumes within a month.
• Cyclops and Jean Grey are NOT in the movie. Havok definitely is and Lucas Till will be playing him.
• January Jones is Emma Frost and there’s no truth to Rosamund Pike’s involvement.
• Singer is excited about them getting Nicholas Hoult as Beast because of a fortunate delay in start date for Mad Max: Fury Road.
• Kevin Bacon’s villain is in fact, Sebastian Shaw. Yes, that means Hellfire Club is in X-Men: First Class.
• Singer explains the 1960s setting is perfect for the Hellfire Club, from the characters to costumes.
• There are other characters that will be in the film that they’re keeping secret. Could it be more mutant X-Men or more likely, other members of the Hellfire Club?

So here are a few highlights. This movie takes place in the sixties and Emma Frost is part of the Hellfire Club with Sebastian Shaw. Yet as some will recall, Emma showed up in the Wolverine Origins movie as one of the prisoners. And that movie took place in the 70s or 80s (it's hard to tell because the movie was so fucked up). Also, anybody who knows anything about the X-men characters knows that Havok, Alex Summers, is the younger brother of Cyclops, Scott Summers. Unless someone does a retcon of the Wolverine movie (which nobody will really give a shit if they do), something's gotta get fucked up here.

It's not that these ideas are inherently bad, but why the fuck would anyone call this movie First Class if it's an Origins movie? First Class implies that the story involves the First Class. That's Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Angel, Beast, and Iceman. No way around it. There was a whole fucking comic series about it for over a year! I get that movies take a lot of liberties from books, but you don't call the Godfather books Willy Wonka and get away with telling a completely different story.

Bryan Singer set his comic movies apart by essentially not paying much attention to the source material. This worked to some extent with the first two movies because he set it up to make it novel and fresh for both comic fans and non-comic fans alike. However, that kind of shit has a very low margin for error. It takes only one X3 to render this entire movie universe completely fucked. Add Wolverine Origins into the mix and it's essentially super-fucked if that were an appropriate term. What's the point of another origins story if every movie that comes after it is basically going to end up sucking anyways? Add to that, the assholes making it have the audacity to call it First Class when they could have just as easily called it X-men Origins and nobody would be bitching about it the way I am right now.

Even without Cyclops and Jean Grey in it, there's still a big problem with telling the story of Charles Xavier's origin with Magneto. In X3 Xavier is going to get fucking killed! So again, everything he does in this movie or whatever other prequels Fox shits out mean precisely dick. Because in the end, he's going to get killed by Jean Grey in a way that has no drama, no punch, no impact, and no redeeming qualities. It's not like the death of Darth Vader in Star Wars in that at least his death was a major turning point in the Star Wars movies. Xavier's death, like that of Cyclops and Jean Grey, is muddled in the fucked up horrors that is X3. Until that movie is expunged from existence, all subsequent X-men movies are shit.

There are only a few faint glimmers of hope with this movie. Director, Matthew Vaughn, stated a while back that this movie could draw parallels to the Star Trek movie that came out last year. That movie was not a reboot. It was in continuity with the other films, but the time line was essentially reset because characters from the future came back and essentially altered the past forever in what some call a quasi-reboot. If First Class has something similar then that may open the door for X3 at least being partially forgotten, but the fact it will still have happened requires that this and every subsequent movie be awesome on such great levels that it may have to date rape the forces of the impossible to stand a chance.

Perhaps I'm still overly bitter about X3, but as an X-men fan it's seriously disheartening when the X-men movie franchise feels like the most fucked franchise in all of comic movies. Hulk got a reboot after only one movie and now Superman and Spider-Man are getting reboots without the studios trying to salvage the shitty movies that came before them with prequels. Why is it that the X-men franchise has to go through four movies that imploded with two more in the pipeline (X-men First Class and Wolverine Origins II) to endure? It's like trying to cut your losses at a blackjack table by continuing to bet more and more despite losing with every possible hand.

The only hope for the X-men movies at this point is a reboot, but so long as the studio is obsessed with making prequels it may be years if not decades until that finally happens. By then I'll probably be dead from alcohol poisoning or I'll have long since been committed. And any fans who were hoping for redemption after X3 would have long since stopped giving a fuck. So I think it's safe to say that there's a 95 percent chance that the X-men movie franchise is completely and utterly fucked for the next decade. Nuff said.